User deleted post
My(28f) boyfriend(32 M) said he changed his mind about wanting children, is this manipulation?
He's lying and whatever girl he was trying to get with shut him down hard and you're the consolation prize.
Yeah this screams “I didn’t commit because I wanted someone else more, fobbed you off so I could pursue her, it didn’t work out/she didn’t reciprocate so now I’m settling with you”
yes exactly
User deleted comment
26d
So... what if it is time that you want kids and he gets scared again. It is easy for him to say "yeah, i want children" since it is something in the future. It isn’t a commitment for him now. He can still try to change your mind. In the meantime he has a gf. When you come up with children, you will hear "oh, we first need to have a house, more savings..." and years after years will go by.
He couldn't even commit to have you as a gf after months of dating, you really thing he will commit to children?
Either way, go slow, like really slow. You have time, so don't be in a hurry to commit to someone you're not sure about. If he's being serious, you moving slowly will not bother him. If he pushes to move in, get married, get pregnant, meet his family, meet your family, etc and you're not ready, it could be a bad sign. So, just move slow and see where it goes. Building trust, real trust, in a relationship takes a lot of time. And consistency is the key to trust. So, go slow.
No nope noooooo
He’s saying this because he wants you back. 100%
There’s a reason he’s an ex. And I doubt he really has changed
I’d move on from Kevin and go back on the dating market. Look for men who are ready for commitment and looking to start a family
There’s a ton of them out there. You know and I know Kevin is not the only single guy in your area
But the reason he's an ex is that he was scared to commit to her. He has explicitly changed that. So you can doubt all you want but the evidence says otherwise.
It's also very fucking normal, especially for men, to be apprehensive about parenthood. Plenty of those people become excellent parents when the time comes.
It’s also “very fucking Normal” for guys to go back to girls they feel they can get once they bomb out in the dating pool
It’s also VERY normal for guys to say they want kids just to buy them time so you don’t leave them
He doesn't want kids. He "wants kids if you want kids" which is not the same as wanting kids. Do not have kids with a person who does not want them
This this this!
Kids is a huge thing esp for you the one who will shoulder 100% of the physical aspect. Why do you want kids with someone who gives such a wishy washy answer?
Having them bcs you want them 9/10 means you’ll be doing most of it
And he just had his fun and came back to see if you’re still around. You’re not his first choice
Ugh, I agree with you that I feel like I would do the work if we ended up having kids. I can totally see him saying, "well, you asked for them, not me!"... Hmm yikes well that isn't good.
He did say that he hasn't been with or even kissed anyone since we dated last, and I believe him because he is pretty socially awkward and I think I was one of the first girls he ever dated based on how awkward/inexperienced he was with kissing and sex.
When it comes to kids it’s just best to have them who’s equally excited, bcs it’s not like you can refund them and it ties you to someone for life. Only you know how much of his heart is in it
Sounds like he would be an awful father. Don’t waste any more time with him.
A lot of men don't care much about having kids, and will do whatever the woman wants.
This isn't because they're agreeable and a good guy.
This is because they always intend for the onus of child rearing to be on you.
You will be the one doing 90% of EVERYTHING for any child with him.
The ones who will be active fathers, are usually upfront about strongly wanting children. Not guaranteed, much more likely though
You have about 12 more years of fertility. Take your time. Be sure to procreate with someone that will be good for you and your kids.
He's just lying to get back with you. He probably thinks he can pretend and push it long enough that you'll be older and not be able to get pregnant easily.
Kids are not something you should have with someone who is only doing it to make you happy. That's a recipe for your partner to be unhappy and leave you to raise the kid as a single mom. Find a guy who actively WANTS to be a father for themselves, they are the only ones who will stick around during the hard times. Kids are not easy and they put massive stress on any relationship, add on that he is only doing it to keep you happy and all you'll get is misery.
He's not being completely honest. He's saying and doing whatever he has to to get you back and some day you'll be a single mom. But you will have children so it's not like that's a bad thing.
If you require him to be ready for children he'll keep putting you off until it's too late. Don't be his girlfriend and don't move in yet. Tell him you need to be married first and he's got 1 year to propose, plan a wedding and marry you.
He either knows your Mrs Right or thinks you're Mrs Right now. He's had plenty of time to think.
You’re stoked that he finally called you his gf? Girl, it’s been months and a break up and other relationship later. That would’ve been the bare minimum when you were dating. Move on.
Not really stoked actually. I'm pretty upset and confused and taking it WAY slow this time. I really want to relax into the relationship bc he is finally doing and saying all the right things and I am ready to commit to a relationship and settle down. But I can't get it off my mind that it took months of not having me for him to realize this.
Well he’s lucky he has you. Any other woman would’ve left him a long time ago. You seem fixed on seeing it through though. Good luck with that.
But he said that he would do anything to make it work if I wanted to have kids eventually.
My ex husband always said he would do whatever it takes to provide for his family. He did not.
What is your boyfriend's plan for being able to provide for kids in the future? He said he didn't think he could do that before so what changed? How has his life plan changed now that he's decided he would be okay with kids?
If he gets laid off, will he get any job to make ends meet, or would something be "too below him"?
Oof, this is a good point. Thank you!
Do remember to hold yourself to the same standards that the responses on this thread are demanding you hold this guy too though. It's OK if he doesn't have everything figured out at this stage if you don't either, especially as it doesn't sound like you want to make a baby tomorrow!
It's always a red flag when someone doesn't realize your value until they no longer have access to you.
Based on some of your comments, I don't think he wants children. He wants you and will say whatever he needs to in order to keep you.
I want to take him at his word but I am just not sure if he is being completely honest. I am worried that he is only agreeing to kids to get me to date him. I am genuinely worried that in 4 or 5 years, he will change his mind and say he doesn't want kids and I will be too old to meet anyone else and try for kids.
Start by telling him this, and see what he has to say in response.
I think I will, actually.
I have been pretty apprehensive to fully lean back into our relationship, and he knows this, because of his hesitancy to make it "official" last time around.
I think really interrogating him about this and getting him to verbalize how he feels about it will be good. I told him that my abortion was hard on me emotionally and if I got pregnant again, I definitely wouldn't end the pregnancy, and he said that we would figure things out together. So its def time for an in-depth conversation.
Don't just talk about feelings, though. You need to talk about the specifics. Who is doing which chores, will you both take parenting classes, how much time will you both take off after you give birth, last names, what happens if the child has special needs, how will this effect your careers, what are your childcare plans, etc etc etc. Does he have any idea what it takes to raise kids? "We'll figure it out" often results in "it'll all default to mom."
Lady, this guy sounds a bit shit. Forgot the fact that you even consider him capable of trapping you into a childless relationship. This early 30s man wasn't even mature enough to commit to a relationship. Like come on.
That man is playing games with you girl, and will continue to do so as long as you entertain it
Did he explain why he didn’t want a relationship with you last year and what changed between then and now? Does he actively want kids or is it just that I’ll make it work type of answer that he’s provided. If he doesn’t really, deeply want kids the way you do it’s highly likely he’ll get cold feet down the line, especially when the relationship isn’t in a honeymoon stage anymore.
That was the first thing I asked him when he said he wanted to commit to me this time around. What changed? He pretty much said,
"Once you blocked me and I realized how much I loved you and how much life sucked without you, I understood how much I fucked up by not locking you down"
He said he wasnt wanting to commit before because his last relationship years ago scarred him. Im not really happy w that answer but he holds firm on that explanation
Girl you know this is bullshit. There are billions of men out there, why do you feel stuck with a dud who already dropped you once?
You're standing at the edge of Relationship Cliff...
Do you want him to push you over??? 🤦♀️
Step away. For your own sake.
Men will say whatever they need to say to get you to sleep with/date/stay/come back/etc etc. Yeah it’s a manipulation tactic. You’ve known each other for less than a year and weren’t even together for most of it, but he’s so head over heels he is ready to commit to having children…and he didn’t want them months prior? Honey… this isn’t the man for you and I honestly do not believe in spinning the block for random short term flings where the guy ended it for not being ready to commit. You literally predict your own future in that last sentence if you let him keep playing in your face lol. Buck up and get higher standards and move on to date people who don’t make you feel uncertain.
What is so great and special about Kevin that you'd risk his wishy-washy behavior? The man is 32 and you had to break up with him for him to want to even be "official". You think a guy like that is going to want to progress through relationship milestones without you dragging him through them?
Why do you even want to go back to a 5 month not-even relationship that failed? As an adult, 5 months is nothing. But the amount of time you could waste on this guy before you realize he's full of crap is so much more.
Surely you know there are more than just these few men in the world, right? Go meet some more people.
Yep, things didn't work out with the other woman
Anyone could change their mind in 4-5 years. If you want to be with him and trust his word enough then I say go for it.
I believe you should never have kids with someone who is not enthusiastically committed to having kids.
There are other men in the world. Kevin isn’t your only option.
More importantly than if you should believe him or not, you should go to a doctor and get tested about your fertility. There are some easy as well as less easy tests than can do to give you an idea of your personal fertility timeline, and this will help with your desire to be a parent
Maybe go with your gut feeling. Or lots of women get donors and do it themselves or freeze eggs or whatever when they don’t meet mister right down the line… dunno if that would be for you..? You should totally get fertility tests done as well to see. As for him, maybe he had an epiphany or maybe he’s just bored… who knows.
You broke up for a reason the first time. He's not the one for you. If he were he'd have been willing to commit in the first place.
Not everyone may know this, but infertile is not the same as sterile. It just means it may be more challenging to conceive than for a person who is not considered infertile. The requirement for "infertile" is just not getting pregnant after one year of bare sex. Sterile means you actually can't conceive, or it is extremely unlikely.
That said, if this person changes his mind so easily and rushes in suddenly calling you his girlfriend after he couldn't do that being with you for five months, idk this feels fishy and I don't think you're wrong for being cautious.
Are you baby daddy shopping 😂
lol isnt that what dating is, low key lmao XD
Bout to ruin some guy so you can have a baby. 🤷🏾♂️
Do rekindled relationships ever really work out long term?
Anyone have the over/under on that?
Together with my wife for 10 years now after a 2 year hiatus following initial few months together.
People break up for reasons, but it's dumb to act like things are set in stone and that people and circumstances can't change positively.
For me, I wanted to travel and live abroad after university, my now wife and I were also both less mature and had growing up to do separately. If we'd tried to force ourselves together then we likely wouldn't be together today, but the absence afforded us both the room to grow into what works today.
Glad it worked out for you.
Thanks for sharing.
Even if he’s not lying in the sense that he will say ‘no’ as soon as you agree to go out with him, he certainly doesn’t seem like he he really wants kids; just that he’ll go along with it; which maybe sounds acceptable, until it’s time for a 3:00am feeding and he refuses to take a turn. (See any one of a million posts in this sub to read stories about moms at their wits end because their partner thinks the kids are her problem)
Who is WITH ME, I am on the GIVE "KEVIN" ANOTHER CHANCE TEAM!
Whatever happened between when you guys broke up and now must have scared him so much that he will say absolutely anything to get back with you. I don't know if he's running from a person. I don't know if he's running from loneliness. I don't know if he had a bad experience and figures you're safe? It could be any of a million things but right now he's acting desperately! And things people say when they're desperate aren't necessarily things that they really want.
So you can take him at face value, but I bet you anything he'll start to rethink this once you guys settle into a relationship. I think he's being as honest as he can right now, but he's desperate to get into a committed relationship with you So he'll agree to almost anything you say right now. It's not a true show of his feelings, it's a show of what he's willing to do right this moment.
Be very careful going forward because whatever happened in the meantime is going to fade into the background and whatever is driving him to you right now is also going to fade and if you didn't have enough for a relationship the first time around, you might not now and you might waste a few years trying to figure that out.
I’d believe him. It seems reasonable to be nervous about the financial side of kids.
It’s not automatically manipulation to just simply change your mind.
But I vote to ditch Kevin and move on as well. Things didn’t work out for a reason - has that reason actually changed?
User deleted comment
26d
“Your biological clock is about to run out”
Did you open a medical book from 1955? Women are having children in their 30s now more then their 20s
I got divorced 2.5 years ago.... So, I was busy being married and trying to start a family? lol
Kevin does have a trade job and makes good money, but this economy is tough so I get where his fears lay.
Things aren't the same as when you were younger, you know that, don't you?
She’s only 28 lol, her biological clock is definitely not “about to run out” smdh. 🙄
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