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My 32F husband 34M maintains a friendship with his best friend 32M who tried to physically assault me. How can I explain that this is a relationship breaking situation?
Setting a boundary requires deciding on the consequences you will enact if the boundary is violated and then enforcing the boundary by following through with that. Your husband has shown that he doesn’t care about putting you into situations that make you feel unsafe, what actions are you going to take as a result of that?
Thank you for this comment. It seems pretty clear that obviously there has to be consequences and I have to "stick to my guns" so to speak. but until you wrote it out in black and white I guess I just danced around that this is how it would have to work. Its really hard to commit to saying "if you do.X I will do Y" where Y is obviously leaving because its so hard to find housing with a large dog and my only family is over 3000 miles away. If I am going to set that boundary I will have to figure out a plan to leave beforehand so I am not left scrambling if he crosses that boundary.
I’d recommend consulting a lawyer about your rights to your shared home before talking to your partner about ending things.
Talk to a lawyer! It’s your house too.
You have to a make a plan to safely serve him divorce papers. He consorts with violent people who have threatened your safety, and he brings them around the house.
Are you safe from your husband? If you were, you really should say, “Brandon has violently threatened me, and he is not welcome in our house any more. If he comes here, I will call the police. If you consort with violent people, I will have no choice but to divorce you for my own safety.” But you aren’t safe, are you? You’re going to have to come up with a much more subtle escape plan.
Consider calling a domestic violence hotline so they can help you with your planning.
Good comment about showing her she is not safe with her husband
Any meaningful boundary has already been crossed! You know this fantasy obligation men constantly claim they have to “protect?” He failed miserably and now you think his failure can somehow be corrected??? Your choices are actually to live with it or leave. As I said in my original reply, the ship sailed on his having an appropriate reaction. If anyone ever raised their hand to my wife, they’d be wearing dentures today and barring that they certainly wouldn’t be coming to my house. This is outrageous.
Then throw him out, you dont have to leave. He is the one bringing a dangerous to you person into your home
LOL. That's not how homeownership works.
right....just plan it out first! The thing that stood out to me is that your dog was more protective of you than your husband!
I find the fact that he never confronted Brandon + your quote "James has indicated that he finds my inability to move past this situation childish and ridiculous." super concerning. I can think of 2 options : either he doesn't understand what happened, or it's not a big deal to him. Third option : he doesn't believe you, which isn't much better.
Exactly, she just was “overreacting…as women do…”.
I can guarantee you that if a dude even looked at me funny, and i told my partner i felt weird about it in my gut, my partner would end the friendship and trust me and respect that feeling. I can't imagine if a dude threatened to put his hands on me.
Op needs to find herself a husband who actually cares about her.
💯 My wife is uncomfortable with something or someone and it’s gone no questions asked and she does the same for my. So sorry OP that your boy (and I say boy not man for a reason) can’t make you feel safe in your own home
Yes! It works both ways here. We pretty much always agree about the gut instinct luckily too but we both trust each other and pull back. Then eventually there's the "oooooh I see what you saw" moment. I always tell him we are a team and thats that.
This right here. Your husband should have nipped this in the bud as soon as you got home. The fact that he didn't is a huge problem.
I think you're going to have to just say this, as clearly as possible. I would say something along the lines of:
"Brandon tried to hit me and that's a serious thing that has never been dealt with appropriately. I don't feel safe around him as a result and I need this to be treated with the severity that it deserves. I do not want Brandon in our home."
If he then calls the situation childish or ridiculous, I would call him out on that immediately. I would tell him that it's really inappropriate for him to be excusing assault because it's his friend committing it.
If your husband isn't willing to prioritise your safety, you're going to have to decide how you want to handle that. For me, it would be a dealbreaker.
If you don't feel like you can communicate this without it derailing, I would consider discussing it in a therapy environment.
This. 100% This.
UPDATEME
100% not this. None of this requires explanation to an adult. None of it.
How can I make it clear to my husband that this is a relationship breaking situation if he continues to bring this man into my home?
What do you mean how? Just tell him.
Sorry, I realize now I didn't make it clear in my post - whenever I bring it up my husband calls me childish and ridiculous for not letting it go, and I'm afraid if I draw a hard line in the sand that I don't want him in my home, my husband is going to just say "no" because "it's 50% his house".
You have a serious husband problem.
Then it may be time for a divorce
Okay, then if he does that you need to decide what you want to do. No one is forcing you to stay there. If he wants to keep bringing his friend around and you don't feel safe, then you leave. Do what's right for you. He will have to decide if his friend or you are more important.
At least, at very least, you could leave whenever Brandon arrives. or leave beforehand so you don't have to look at his ugly face.
But why do you want to pussyfoot around like this. Just go, or is the issue your share of the house or other property? If you are concerned about the financial ramifications of your behavior, you shouldn't be asking reddit---you should be asking a divorce lawyer in your own state. And use a divorce lawyer even if you are not actually married.
You are not his priority; his friend is. If you give an ultimatum, like him or me, your husband will pick him. Frankly, your husband has already chosen him. If you don't want to divorce, then leave to a hotel for the night whenever Brandon comes over.
Right now, there are 3 people in your marriage, and you are the third wheel.
Then it's not a matter of making him understand. He already understands. He doesn't care.
You're hoping that repeating the situation to him in some magical other combination of words will get you a different response, but it won't. Your husband has already explained his position: he knows that Brandon makes you feel unsafe, and he thinks that you are "childish and ridiculous" for not welcoming him into your home anyway. Your feelings are of utterly no concern to him at all, and in fact he is mocking you for them.
This is what you have to deal with. You have married someone who does not give AF that his friend nearly clocked you and has never even apologized for it.
The choice you have now is to stay and accept this status quo, to leave, or to ask him to leave (and I think we all know how that's going to go). At the very least, I'd be consulting a lawyer about your rights before you make a decision. You may not be able to make James leave your shared home, but it may well be within your rights to keep Brandon out, whether James likes it or not, given that he threatened you with violence.
He’s incapable of having an adult conversation about this which means he probably isn’t a good candidate for therapy even if he was willing. Literally the only leverage you have here is the threat of you leaving.
Only two options. Couples therapy and talk it out in an environment where he can see he is a complete asshat where you can decide you want to work through this
Or
Leave him. OMG your fucking husband doesn't take a man physically threatening to beat you and running off into the night seriously. WAKE UP!!!
For couples therapy to work he'd have to engage with it in good faith and effort. Right now he's not just ignoring her, he's literally mocking her and calling her 'childish and ridiculous' for not wanting a man in the house who nearly punched her and hasn't even apologized. I don't think he's a great candidate for therapy . . .
Yeah probably
OP the reason your husband doesn't believe it's a relationship ending situation is the same reason I don't believe you. You're not ending the relationship, which means it's not a relationship ending situation for you. You don't want to end this relationship even though this man has said openly that violence towards you is okay, and has belittled any ideas to the contrary. You remain with him nevertheless. This is his answer and what he really thinks.
You have a few options, they all are going to be hard but you gotta pick one:
- You accept defeat and try to move past it, which, from your husband's perspective, is what you're doing. Because you haven't done anything else, you just bring it up sometimes and get mad but nothing really happens. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is currently what is happening.
- You tell him firmly that you are sick of being afraid in your own home and the next time he brings Brandon over or otherwise makes you be in the same area as him, he can expect divorce papers. But you must follow through on this.
- The "middle ground" - or as close to one as there's gonna be - is making your ultimatum going to marriage counseling, with the goal of both of you understanding the source of the others' stubbornness. Then you can each make an informed decision about if staying together is right.
maybe the guy you married isn't your person, then
And that is when you start packing. Your husband is the AH here plain and simple. He has made it abundantly clear that his friend is more important to him than you are. Plan your future accordingly.
You can't explain something to someone who does not care. There is no amount of explaining that will get somebody to stand up for you, side with you and be protective of you. Your husband's loyalty does not lie with you, otherwise he would have already cut off contact himself.
When someone doesn't care about you or does not respect you, there is nothing you can do to explain to them why they should. It won't make any difference.
Your husband is also gas-lighting you. Why are you staying married to someone who doesn't respect you or care enough to protect you?
Brandon is not the problem. Your husband is the problem.
I'm shocked you've made it this far without losing it on his sorry rear.
I'm sure James and Brandon have both brushed it off as "they were drunk" and neither really remembers it. THe fact Brandon thought driving while drunk is problematic in and of itself. They don't see it as a problem because they don't remember how threatening Brandon was and I'm sure Brandon painted a picture of you acting like a shrew and him just telling you to back off.
The fact that you've let it go this long is a large part of the problem because to him you are just whining. Its not serious because you have not "done" anything about it.
As much as it sucks, its time to do something about it. You leave, you let it go, or you guys get into SERIOUS marriage counseling. Those are your only options.
The problem is your gaslighting husband. You are being abused by him and his friends. Wake up!
When he is over leave the room and do not speak to him or your husband. Start planning how you will leave now. My guess is as a prior victim of abuse you fell for another man. Thar sees nothing wrong with abuse. No one that loves you would tolerate what his friend did. Strangers on this thread are more protective of you than your husband
It’s because he is emotionally abusive, not because you have to explain better.
You can’t decide what your husband will do, but you can decide how you respond. You can’t tell him “do not have this man in our home” but you can decide “if he has this man in our home I will leave him”. That is the level this has got to, OP - you can decide this situation bothers you enough to remove yourself from it, or you can accept it and try not to let it bother you
"I don’t know why my husband doesn’t seem to understand that this man threatened me with violence"
He understands just fine. He doesn't CARE. Do with that knowledge what you will, but you are not safe with Brandon, or James.
Have you thought about going to see a couples counselor with him?
The hard truth is that you can't make him understand or act on it. It's so fucked up that your husband is still fine with this man even being alive. I cannot imagine being friends with someone who's tried to hurt someone I love.
All you can really say is "I can't be married to someone who is friends with my attacker." If he doesn't get it, he doesn't.
I see OP's husband as an abuser. There's no use at all in going to counseling with an abusive person, because they just weaponize whatever comes up in counseling. OP's husband is convinced he is right, probably about absolutely everything, but definitely about what happens between them.
What good would counseling do with a guy like this sitting across from you? It seems that OP has nothing that he wants. He probably gets drunk with Brandon and they both do some drunk woman in the bar. I don't hear any love in what happens between husband and wife. Which is why I think she has nothing to lose by leaving. Everything that was there is gone.
My ex once tried to make excuses for my brother almost drowning me as a child. He maintained that I should have just “said uncle” despite being underwater and unable to breathe, and that I was fighting trying to get up. Not of this mattered to him, because clearly I didn’t try hard enough to show that I was actually in danger. Surprise surprise, this man almost suffocated me once. If he can excuse it for others, he can excuse it for himself.
Idk, but he didn’t attack. And stuff happens when drinking is involved especially with someone that doesn’t drink much. In this situation it’s your partners best friend. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and move on. Unpopular opinion I know. I’ve been on both sides of this situation and have done some really dumb stuff. I’m glad people didn’t judge me in those terribly dumb moments while overly drunk.
Your dog was a better protector to you than your husband.
Your husband is a failure of a partner and doesn't really care about you. Someone threatening to strike my partner is something that is never forgivable.
You can explain it to him, but you can't make him understand, or care, or respect you. If it's a relationship-breaking situation, let the relationship break.
Brandon isn’t great but your husband is worse.
You married him after this, huh. After him calking you childish and ridiculous for not wanting to be around a guy who had to be stopped from hitting you by a guard dog. Big mistake marrying James anyway. Now's a great time to correct that mistake.
I’ll admit I wasn’t exactly nice in my demands because at this point I was wildly annoyed.
Can you explain this part further? What do you mean by "I wasn't exactly nice?" That's very vague and can mean anything from I yelled to I was physical with him.
My guess is screaming at him, which is obviously annoying (particularly for a drunk guy) but still in no way justifies threatening to smash OP's face in.
If she was yelling at him up in his face, especially if she made any threats, that is considered assault in many states.
Maybe it’s because I used to work as a bouncer in college and saw how violent women can be and think it’s ok because they are “smaller,” that I don’t believe her “I’m completely innocent” narrative.
I get the feeling that they were all drunk (including OP). OP gets upset that her BF is puking, and takes her anger out on the best friend. They get into a screaming match, offensive words are said and tempers flared, including the threat which is 100% wrong. Instead of all parties taking responsibility for their action they have dug in their heels, and no one is willing to apologize.
Yeah, I want the full story here, too. It goes without saying that threatening violence is never okay. That said, we don’t know what OP said or did prior to that, and how much her own behavior may have crossed the line leading up to that incident. What we do know is that no violence actually occurred, and we can’t know for a fact that it would have. All parties involved were drinking and at least 2 were very drunk. And I get the impression that OP was being really extra and intense for no reason — why was she so bent out of shape about stomach acid damaging the trailer’s plumbing? Why was she so worried he would choke? He was drunk and puking. Okay…? She admits she “wasn’t very nice,” but there has to be more to the story here. Was she shouting and screaming and calling him names? Bossing him around? Threatening him? Her husband is either a total asshat who doesn’t have her back and is dismissing and enabling the friend’s inappropriate behavior, or he knows OP and the friend well enough that he feels confident the threat wasn’t serious and/or that OP is being overly dramatic or aggressive in her own right. Would love to hear the other two sides to this story. Not excusing the friend’s behavior. Just wish we could see the full picture.
I'm so glad someone else sees this. Op's story comes across really sketchy and I've witnessed so much drunk behavior. I'm concerned that she cared more about the trailer cleaning fees than making sure her husband was ok. And after 4 years she's got no other bad stories about Brandon? Sounds like what you've described.
Nope.
First, Brandon waited until you were alone and James was defenseless to get aggressive that’s seems intentional.
Second, you told him his friends cocked his fist to hit you and you’re immature for not moving past an almost assault?!?!?
Your problem isn’t Brandon, he’s only going as far as your husband allows. James is the problem.
I think at this point you have actually discuss this with an impartial 3rd party like a therapist or counselor, which I think is necessary anyway since it very condescending for him to shut down any chance of discussion by calling you immature.
The fact is he wasn’t awake during the confrontation, and if he’s calling you immature, it maybe because he’s listening to Brandon’s version of the story.
I would first ask him what he thinks happened that night ?
Does he believe you when you say Brandon almost assaulted you?
If after having a serious conversation he’s still wants Brandon to come over , then you have to ask yourself how you will proceed knowing that James isn’t taking your concerns or safety seriously and what that means going forward, what will that mean for your relationship and future.
Op, I would also do a check into Brandon , does he have any records that support your claims, like a restraining order or arrest for DV .
Op, it maybe that your solution is when Brandon walks in your home, you walk out, it’s inconvenient but it will also show James how serious you are about him not being near you.
Brandon didn't wait until OP was alone to try and attack her. That sounds like it was some sort of premeditated assault. Per OP's story, he only threatened her after OP "wasn't very nice in her demands" to him. To me Brandon sounds like a guy who doesn't like being yelled at and may be a violent drunk, but not someone itching to beat OP up for no reason.
With that said, OP is certainly justified in not feeling safe around him and it's really shitty her husband won't confront Brandon about trying to get violent. There is no excuse for that, and OP should be willing to walk away if her husband sides with Brandon over her on this.
Agreed. And everybody is glossing over OP's behavior that she should work on, even if she leaves her husband and his friend behind. Getting verbally aggressive with drunk people is playing with fire. Eventually, one of them will pop you in the mouth.
And before reddit gets all worked up about victim blaming, I would say the same thing about a man in the same situation. Everybody should care about self-preservation. Being in the right is small consolation after taking a beating, or worse.
Well clearly it’s not. Because here you are four years later still irked about it and doing nothing.
I guess tell him once and if he blows you off, leave and file for divorce.
I mean there’s no magical incantation that’s going to change things now.
So figure out what your boundary is, and how you plan to enforce it.
If my best friend tried to hit my partner, we would have problems that's not even taking into account that my partner was physically abused in her last relationship and had trauma surrounding that. The only way that I would allow Brandon around you was if Brandon apologized to you and you were willing to accept that, if I knew that this was unusual behavior for Brandon, and ONLY if you "my partner" was open to give Brandon a second chance. There are few scenarios in which it is acceptable to put a victim in front of an abuser. It always involves a safe space and the victim's consent. If somebody tried to hit my partner, I would scorch earth. Not okay.
What's the point of having a husband if he doesn't even care about you?!
The first step is to go see a divorce lawyer. Don't hide it. Tell him he introduces a danger in your house. And since you can not escape the danger, you need to see how you will escape the house.
Years ago my ex husband’s bff talked to me wild disrespectfully in front of my ex and a group of our friends. I never forgave him and told my ex he wasn’t allowed in our home, which he understand and respected. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that moment when my ex saw me treated appallingly and did nothing? It was the beginning of the end. I don’t want to be with someone who’s lukewarm on his commitment to me and to our relationship. The way your husband is behaving isn’t an aberration or deviation from his true character; it’s a revelation.
Tell him gay marriage is still legal. He can marry his friend if he wants or he can stay married to you, but he can't have both.
Then remind him how bad the housing market is right now and how he can't afford to buy you out. Or if you want him gone, just force a sale.
Wow, you are way under reacting here, for years!!! Why are you tolerating this level of disrespect by both. Make an exit plan and go. This is not a partner who values you.
He's chosen. His friend, not you.
So, let me get this straight: 4 years ago you, your husband and your husband's best friend went camping. Your husband got sloppy drunk, the friend got sloppy drunk, and you were sober despite also drinking with them. Your husband started throwing up and you "weren't very nice" about asking the friend to help you move him. This led to an altercation in which the friend threatened you with physical violence. Then the friend packed his stuff and removed himself from the location.
In the years since then, has the friend ever threatened you again? Made you feel unsafe? Does he have a history if being arrested for assault?
I'm calling BS on this, you do need to get over it. It was a single incident years ago where nothing actually happened. He threatened you, yes that makes him a complete ass hole. And yes you have the right to draw whatever lines in the sand you want but at this point it's been 4 years and this just reads to me like you being controlling and using anything you can to justify making husband cut the friend off.
If it was an "end the relationship" big deal event it would have been that way 4 years ago. You're just deciding now that it was so severe it requires he cut contact with his best friend.
As to what you can do you have a few options. You can get over it, and accept that as a night of young drunk foolishness and stop this passing match you've created with your husband. You can refuse to accept it and continue to be miserable and pissy when the friend comes over. You can create boundaries around the friend coming over such as "if he is here i wont be". You can divorce your husband. There is no fifth option where you get to control your husband's actions or choices with zero consequences to yourself.
James has indicated that he finds my inability to move past this situation childish and ridiculous.
Girl, no. Get a divorce, please.
were u screaming at poor Brandon?
INFO: why has it only become a relationship breaking situation 4 years after the incident?
It's very valid that it is a relationship breaking boundary but it seems that it hasn't been for four years so what changed? Did you tell him for years it was but never followed through?
"You, my husband, are maintaining a friendship with your best friend who tried to physically assault me. This is a relationship breaking situation."
That's it
"I have always been upset and hurt at the way you minimize your friend Brandon threatening to punch me in the face, and it has reached the point where I cannot stand the disrespect of you bringing him into our home. I am asking that you stop bringing him here, as I deserve to feel safe in mynown home. If that is not something you can commit to, then we can plan to end our marriage. Can you commit to that?"
He will try to argue, blah blah. Just make it a yes or no. "What I am hearing is that you won't commit to keeping him away from me. That's your decision, but it is the end of our relationship as far as I'm concerned. I am texting you this as well so there is no misunderstanding, you are not to touch me, and we are not sharing a bed going forward. We will need to discuss how best to unwind our lives, so give it some thought and we can discuss this weekend."
Let’s reverse genders and roles here- you drank too much and are throwing up. Your boyfriend demands that you be dragged outside of the trailer into the wilderness, and aggressively demand that your girl best friend helps. Your girl best defends you despite being drunk also, telling your boyfriend to leave you alone, then threatens to punch him when he persists.
I’d say you at worst you sound like an ass, and at best there was miscommunication with the best friend due to his drunkenness and your admitted rudeness.
You were worried that stomach acid would erode through a trailer in a matter of hours? Because you have no past experience with human vomit? That was stupid. You wanted to drag a drunk passed out vomiting man outside in the wilderness? For the night? Are you serious? That was stupid. If you did not want to clean the vomit, understandable, and you felt outside was safe enough for a fully incapacitated person, you should have been the one to stay outside. Wanting to drag your man down steps was obviously unhinged. Of course his best friend intervened. Of course his best friend was frustrated with how stupid and dangerous you were being. We know he did not hit you. You think he might have if your dog hadn't intervened. But you are also a stupid person. I think your husband didn't cut off his friend because his friend stopped you from doing something awful to him. Maybe have a little think on that.
Yeah, I feel like there’s a lot more to the story here. It sounds like OP wigged out over something stupid and was verbally abusing the husband and the friend, and the friend in his drunken state snapped and told her to back off, and escalated when she wouldn’t stop laying into him. No violence actually occurred, nor do we know that it would have. OP’s husband is either a total jackass for not taking the threat seriously and having his wife’s back, or he knows his friend and his wife well enough that he believes there was no real threat and thinks his wife was being inappropriate / aggressive / childish and/or melodramatic. We can’t know which without hearing all sides of the story. At the end of the day, it’s NEVER okay to threaten violence. But if OP really felt unsafe, she’s had years to remove herself from the situation or bring it to a proper head. No violence occurred then or since. And the whole bit about admitting she wasn’t very nice, and freaking out about stomach acid (??) reeks of melodrama. Sounds like she went on the attack first.
Thank you for the common sense. This comment should be farther up
I think you need that ultimatumum - either him or you. And be prepared for him to.chose his friend. At leat then you know you were never a priority. Which I unfortunately suspect is the case, from his words and atitude...
Your husband doesn’t care that his friend threatened you. Your husband care more about his friend than he does you. Don’t walk run to the divorce attorney’s office.
No man that loves you or cares about you would ever behave this way. Seriously. The moment a decent man would find out that someone tried to physically assault you all hell would break lose and rightfully so. Your husband is a POS I’d leave him over this if I were you.
For years? What do you want us to do about it now? You've put up with it this long, if you even bring it up now you're husband is going to say just dragging up old stuff! The time to act was way back then!
I don't mean to be an asshole with this but the problem is you've let it go till now! You can't all the sudden mean business about something that you let go in the beginning. Just leave the guy if it bothers you that much.
I mean you seem to think this guy is the problem but the fact is you have a husband problem! He doesn't believe you or he doesn't care. He's probably said something to the effect of well he didn't actually hit you so what's the problem? And you're so afraid to lose him that you won't draw that line in the sand! But that line in the Sand is the only way you're going to get the results you want!
If you want people in here to have some magical solution that will get this guy out of your life without getting your husband out of your life too...That doesn't exist! You have to say that man is no longer allowed in my house! You have to say if you bring him in my house one more time you can leave with him and stay gone!
Maybe that will work. But again it's been years and he's been to your house how many times and your husband's used to just walking all over you and you accepting it, so you're probably going to lose your husband. But I don't really think that's much of a loss. I mean, he's okay with somebody threatening to knock you out... He can't be that good of a guy
Wow. So why are we dealing with this 4 years later?? There is only one clear and reasonable answer to this and that’s for you to end this “marriage.” His failure to sever the friendship let alone the fact that he has the man over to your house is just inexcusable. Honestly, what would you have him do now that’s actually meaningful? The ship sailed. The horse left the barn. There’s simply no excuse for him not ending the friendship IMMEDIATELY. None.
“If you continue to hang out with Brandon I’m divorcing you”
Dump the husband, move on with your life. You not supposed to be scared in your own house. If he doesn't believe it he never will.
Your husband is not on your team
I would let him know the next time Brandon comes over you’ll let him know he has to leave, and if he refuses to, you’ll call the cops because someone who has threatened you with violence refuses to leave your home.
Then you can deal with your husband problem.
If it was relationship breaking situation the relationship would have ended. The fact you are staying means he doesn’t feel the need to take you seriously
I don't understand your question. What do you mean, how do you tell him this is a deal breaker for you?
JUST TELL HIM. It's beyond disgusting that he denigrates your feelings about this. It's beyond disgusting that he cares so little about the way you feel.
But keep in mind that if you tell him it's a deal breaker and he continues to let his friend come over, then you have to divorce him. Otherwise you're only teaching him that you're a spineless doormat he can walk over whenever he wants to.
It has been several years and you never issued any ultimatums at the time nor have you said "Keep that fuck head who almost punched me the hell out of my house!"
... since you haven't made strong demands so far... I'm not sure how to help you.
Try this:
"The more I see Brandon, the more upset I get. He never apologized for scaring the fuck out of me by nearly punching me. I've been patient long enough. I don't want that guy in my home. If you want to be friends with him then meet him somewhere else. I'm done putting up with him."
only thing you can do is leave. if he cared he would show it
!UpdateMe
“If you continue to bring Brandon into our home while I am here it will become a relationship breaking situation. I know you think I’m over reacting, but I don’t care. I’m willing to die on this hill and I will leave you if you choose him over me.”
Just tell it like it is. You’ve explained yourself. He knows what happened. You just need to tell him your decision and stand your ground. You also need to be prepared for him to choose Brandon, and be willing to follow through on your promise/threat to leave if/when he does.
You also need to be prepared for him to choose Brandon
He already has. Time to end it.
Love is really all or nothing. All in or all out. Best friends aren't lifelong commitments. Marriage is. So...
All I have to say if I were James, Brandon wouldn’t be a friend and would be lucky if he had his front teeth. (Kind of joking). How can you trust your husband to protect you now?
If any friend of mine, even my best friend, threatened my wife with physical violence, we would no longer be friends, and I would never force her to spend time around him again. Your husband is not prioritizing your physical and mental health. He is failing in his role as a protective and supportive spouse. If you can't trust him to help keep you safe, why would you stay with him?
There are only two possible options, and neither are pretty: 1) He understands, he just doesn’t care. 2) He doesn’t believe you or assumes you’re overreacting. Either way, you have a decision to make.
What you allow will continue, what continues will escalate.
He'd have been dead the first time you brought it up.
Oh they talked about it. Brandon told him you were being psycho and yelling at him to help you get him out of the trailer. Him being the loyal friend couldn’t understand why his friend had to be carried outside. Why couldn’t we just get him a bucket or something. Why does she have to yell and scream at me? You might have to take that, but I don’t.
Your husband thinks you are as crazy as his friend. That friend is who he complains to.
This is so, so, so hard but you have to leave. And I’m saying this as someone who finally left, after 10 ten years of bullshit. And my life is now full of loneliness and my romantic future looks bleak. But I don’t regret leaving. It’s fucking insane that he is still friends with this person. You are not overreacting. He doesn’t love you enough to be protective of you. He cares more about validation and approval from an abusive male than he cares about you.
your husband doesn't give a shit about you
If you break the relationship, it will become quite clear.
He cares about his friend's feelings more than yours. Give him an ultimatum. If you ever see Brandon in the house again you're leaving. That's the only thing that will get his attention at this point. You can also kick Brandon out if he comes over. Stop being polite. Kick him the fuck out of your house. If your husband won't do it you have to to protect yourself.
You have a husband issue, not a Brandon issue. Why is your husband happy to invite someone round who physically threatened you? You need a serious conversation with your husband about it all, and you need to challenge him. What would he do if so-and-so threatened you? What would he have done if you’d actually been punched?
James knew he was wrong which is why he left and he still badmouthing you and your husband is doing fuck all.
Need to sort that husband out imo.
You can explain it til you’re blue in the face, but that won’t make your husband take it seriously. Hard truth is he doesn’t care
Nothing you did was unreasonable and the fact that your husband hasn't confronted his best friend and demanded he apologize to you is mind blowing. And that he's saying you're being "childish" for not being able to move past it?
I would have told him "Have a nice life with Brandon" as I filed for divorce. You deserve better.
Your husband is an asshole. You must set an ultimatum after you prepare for leaving, get all of your affairs and money in order to travel the 3000 miles to be with your family. You have to be ready to follow up on the ultimatum. In the mean time distance yourself when he is there.
Updateme!
Why would you want to stay with him? He understands exactly what happened and doesn't gaf. (And you still married this guy a year after the incident.)
I'm sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship, i'm gonna be honest, your husband doesn't give a shit about you and never will. He keeps in contact with the man that threated you to hit you. Please, have some self respect and dump his ass, in this case things are black o white, theres no in between.
Assuming you’ve already decided this is a deal breaker: You tell him “I need to feel safe with my husband, and that means I draw a boundary at you spending time with people you KNOW have tried to hurt me. If you do not prioritise my safety, we are not compatible and I will be filing for divorce.”
You need to be very clear on how important this is to you, and what the consequences will be if he breaks this boundary. And make sure you have a plan on how to leave/file for divorce BEFORE you start that conversation. Make sure you have an emergency escape plan in case things get ugly. Have everything essential packed, ready to go, and in a place where if you need to, you can just pick it up and run.
First off im sry that happened. That sounds like it could be very traumatic. Second its disappointing your partner can't see that and instead refers to it as you being childish and ridiculous. Im guessing hes chalking it up to its not his fault because he was drunk. I think if you're so traumatized and would rather not ever even see that guy again he should respect your wishes to at least not bring him over to the house anymore, whos more important to him, you his wife or his best friend? Plus he would still be free to hangout other places in that case but at least you wouldn't have to be around him. As for how to make it clear I would think to just have a serious conversation about it, making clear how serious you are, dont let him dismiss it as not a big deal when it is to you. If he cant see how serious it is after that, then i can only conclude he is purposefully not listening.
Fck no nd he wouldn’t be allowed in my home anymore
After 4 years your husband is not going to take you seriously. Now what?
If it was a relationship breaking situation, you would have broken the relationship. Your husband is not taking you seriously and has chosen his relationship with his friend over his relationship with you. If he valued your relationship more, he would have acted as necessary to your feelings even if he didn't actually agree with them.
He hasn't.
You have made it clear! There is no magic different language that will unlock a new level of clear - this is your husbands reaction to clear information.
The only way you can make it clear that this is a relationship breaking situation is to break this relationship. You have used your words already and your husband still keeps Brandon as a friend, showing you that this relationship is more important in his life.
You don't...your husband has clearly showed that Brandon is his priority. So since this is the case, you should make your own safety a priority and get out of that house, get out of this relationship. The level of disrespect being shown to you by your husband is staggering. His best friend physically threatens to assault you...and everything is supposed to be peaches and cream? Wonder what your husband will say/do when the threats materialize into action?
Nothing good will come of staying with your husband because he is aptly demonstrating that your safety--physical, mental and emotional--is not a priority for him.
Get out now and let the 'best buddies' continue to hang.
Keep the dog, lose the useless husband
I can’t get over that your husband got so drunk that he left you vulnerable to attack! He is supposed to be your protector!!! He makes me sick! He doesn’t get that women need to feel safe!
The thing is: you shouldn’t have to make it clear.
You shouldn’t have to worry how he would react to such a valid boundary, he should WANT to protect you and WANT to break things off with his “friend” because what he did was not ok.
Not caring about his wife in such a way shows a lot about him, you have to either accept who your husband showed you he is and live with that, or - like I would - break it off.
It seems to me he is gaslighting you by telling you not getting over it is ridiculous and cildish, no loving partner that truly respects you and has compassion for you would belittle you like that about being a victim and threatened. Even if the incident wasn’t that serious and the threatening not real - which I doubt - he should still be interested in making you feel safe and finding a compromise or somehow be there for you to bring this situation behind you, not shame you for your reaction to it. His behaviour disgusts me.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Please don’t let the guilt trip get to you. You are not overreacting and your feelings are valid. I hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done. Good luck. Sending love
So, this incident happened 4 years ago in 2020? Has Brandon done anything to you since that night 4 years ago? Has he said anything to indicate he will physically hurt you now or in the past 4 years? It seems rather unfair to now be setting a marriage ending boundary after you have allowed this man into your home and socialized with him for the past 4 years.
Brandon may actually have been mortified by his behavior, which is why he left. Maybe there was something personal going on at that time, and he snapped. I don't know. But it seems like it was swept under the rug and not appropriately adressed at the time of the incident. To them, it might have been a drunken mistake. Something that wouldn't happen under normal circumstances. But now they see it as something that happened 4 years ago and is no longer a relevant issue.
Instead of threatening and giving an ultimatum forcing your husband to cut off his friend. Try requesting a group counseling session for the three of you. Or have a sit down with a neutral party.to hash it all out. At the very minimum, you should get some marriage counseling before forcing your husband to choose. Good luck.
UpdateMe.
So he doesn't care that his friend assaulted you, what happens the next time. Instead of going to him call the cops and press charges. He's more concerned about his friendship than his wife. It's time to let the hole man go.
I don't think the cops are going to really care about this guy threatening to hit OP during a drunken argument in 2020.
How can I make it clear to my husband that this is a relationship breaking situation
I guess I'm just confused about the question. Have you guys just... never talked about it?
A tough lesson I had to teach my Daughter, is men will choose men, nearly every time. Your husband either doesn’t believe you or doesn’t care. In doing so he has chosen James. The only way he’ll listen is if you move out. Otherwise he’ll call your bluff.
!UpdateMe
My ex watched his friend and his friend's girlfriend jump me. He didn't do or say anything. I texted him the next day "you ain't shit." And I deleted his number and never talked to him again. That should have been your course of action as well. It's still not too late.
Are you sure your husband fully understands what happened that night?
How can I make it clear to my husband that this is a relationship breaking situation if he continues to bring this man into my home?
"Husband, if you bring this guy around me one more time I am leaving and filing for divorce. Please don't call my bluff."
Hmm something about the way you described the situation is a little funny. I'm not convinced James needed to be removed from the trail or at all. Choking is prevented by turning someone onto their side. Could the friend have been seeing you drag your husband out and think you are harming James?
You got yelled at and threatened by a drunk person because you were wildly annoyed with the situation and did a bunch of yelling at that person first. You didn't get assaulted. Sounds like the only harm done was to your ego, partly from the being yelled at and your husband's perceived apathy about it.
Sounds like you were rude, he was rude back, you're mad because your husband didn't take your side? You're going to end the relationship for that?
Seriously, this was four years ago. If this was so egregiously bad, why the sudden desire to force your husband to confront his friend now?
I sense that because she got called psycho, because she was in an abusive relationship, because her own husband can’t understand why she still clings to the abuse, it might be interesting to hear the other side of this story. It seems highly unlikely that the friend and husband didn’t discuss what happened. This could have been a psychotic episode, and there is a pattern. That’s the only way this guy wouldn’t have cut ties with the friend, unless the two dudes are doing it.
It’s because your husband is soft, you didn’t marry a main character, you married background guy #5. You would think that the situation would’ve at least been addressed as a group. This isn’t about being alpha or beta, this is just common decency and addressing the situation.
Dude what the fuck are you on about
Why is your husband asking you to change and not asking his friend to apologize to you? Is your husband always this unsupportive and dismissive of your feelings? Does he always value the needs and feelings of others over yours? I think it’s more than reasonable you do not force him into removing his “friend” from his life but to ask you to “move past it” is unacceptable. What needed to happen in his eyes to make him choose you his wife over his friend, should you have let him physically attack you? Would that have been enough for him to choose his love for you over his abusive friend? Where is the line so you know where you actually stand, where you are actually worth something to him? You need to just tell him, that this is your limit and his lack of belief in you and respect for you is a break in a marital vow worth leaving over if he does not find a way to respect your boundary over this individual. Good husbands choose their wife in these situations every time, are you sure he’s even worth this conversation at this point? If nothing has worked yet to make him understand for you, will he ever?
Im sorry you're going through this! The fact he never confronted Brandon says everything you need to know. My bf would have needed bail money if his best friend threatened to hit me. Thank God your dog was there to protect you. Be honest and firm . Give the ultimatum of its either you or Brandon. He will make his choice, you could try couples counseling maybe a 3rd person could get him to see how wrong he is
Tell him Brandon can't be in the house. You own 50% and that's enough to veto, no. Someone who was going to assault you cannot enter your home, end of story.
Then I'd make a fucked up friendship with a girl who was pretty obviously a bad influence and wait for your husband to object. And ask him what's the difference.
How does your husband not want to bash in Brandon's face each and every day? I simply don't get it how he can brush aside someone threatening to beat up his wife. I don't have advice since I cannot comprehend James' behavior. The dog, yes, I completely understand the dog stepping in and asking Brandon if he really wanted to do this.
Brandon tried to seriously assault you seriously, and your husband doesn't care. Your husband values his friendship with a violent POS more than his marriage to you.
Him maintaining this friendship is letting that bastard feel like what he did was okay. That assaulting someone is a good thing.
You know what they say “birds of a feather flock together”.
Please leave his toxic ass!!!!!!!!!!
!UpdateMe
He won't believe it until his best friend is in jail due to his physically assaulting a woman or any person. Don't make yourself a statistic.
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