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I (27F) am a recovering anorexic and my boyfriend (33M) makes fun of me every time I go to eat snacks. What should I do?
I think you need to get a new boyfriend… What he’s doing is emotional and mental abuse
Even being alone is better that being with someone like this. He's keeping you sick with his controlling behavior.
He knows what he’s doing OP. 105 at 5’5” is already concerning. Not surprised you haven’t managed to get to a much healthier 115-120 at least with this abuse constantly in your ear.
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I’m 5’8 and my healthy weight sits somewhere between 160 and 180 - 103 is probably underweight for you, yeah
I am absolutely not a doctor and it should be noted all bodies are different and some people do seem to naturally maintain much lower weights and they don’t even look super thin. I’ve also seen girls that to me look 130 pounds but are actually closer to 160. With my career I see a huge variety of different body shapes. It’s crazy how differently people hold weight.
All that said, I don’t know how much you eat a day, what your body image is, if you have any issues around food. It does sound exceptionally low, but if your doctors are saying you’re okay and you’re eating regular meals, it could just be your body. Might want to look into thyroid issues though? Can’t hurt to check, especially if you have other symptoms that are consistent with an over-active thyroid.
EDIT: as others have said, please don’t take some random redditor’s advice as gospel. Being underweight can be incredibly dangerous. People die from anorexia all. The. Time. Your life and health is so much more important than being thin. Get a professional’s opinion. Please, please, please.
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This isn’t something that Internet strangers should be able to define for you. If you’re questioning your health and mental wellbeing, do not ask strangers for permission to seek professional help.
Do not rely on Reddit to declare you mentally or physically fit.
Please.
Blood pressure and heart rate are not the only indicators of health. Go to a doctor and get a full blood panel (including iron panel and ferritin to see if you have an iron deficiency) and specifically ask the doctor about your weight and eating habits. You need advice from medical professionals, not reddit. The reason I mentioned asking for an iron panel specifically is because easy bruising can be a symptom of iron deficiency. Tell your doctor all your symptoms and ask them to include any tests on the bloodwork that could give insight into those symptoms.
edit: typo
You can have an ED and be threatening your health even with a regular heart rate and blood pressure. Will you only accept your diagnosis if you are literally dying? Im asking because it sounds like you don’t think you’re sick enough to have an eating disorder. Your low energy, bruising, lack of strength can all be symptoms of an ED, and you may also have unseen/unfelt symptoms in your kidneys/liver/digestive tract etc
Let’s say you do have an ED and you believe the diagnosis, what would you change about your habits? You deserve to live with more energy and strength, I hope you know that.
I have always been thin enough for people to make comments about it and have a very narrow and petite frame, and I once unintentionally dropped down to 103 at almost 5'4" (161cm). I had to make a big effort to gain weight, and I've hovered between 110-112 pounds for years and still periodically try to gain a little more to get up to 115, though I have trouble sustaining anything higher than 112. Unless you have a very unusual body type/no muscle/light bones, etc., I would be concerned about someone taller than me weighing 103. I definitely recommend asking a doctor about it.
You should break up with him. He is NOT supporting your recovery. Your boyfriend is the worst.
He might trigger you to relapse, which is the worst thing that can happen to you.
Sweetie, this is not what love and support looks like.
He’s not just not supporting OP, he’s actively working against her recovery. Drop him now!
This is SO dangerous. Boyfriend is playing with fire with no concern for how it could burn her. I would bet my left nipple that if she stays with him, he will escalate his abuse and control at some point.
I don't and never have had anything like an ED and this dude would annoy and infuriate the living hell outta me! I can't even imagine how damaging such words would be for someone who suffers!
He’s going to trigger her straight in to a hidden binge eating problem. I’m so worried because she’s already sneaking food, and it’s such an easy slope to slide down.
Being alone is bloody great. One weekend a few months ago, I had a Chinese takeaway on the Friday night and it was so good, I ordered the exact same on the Saturday night. My dogs had no judgy comments to make, though I did get some side-eye from my collie.
That's because you didn't share with the collie!
I wonder what her parents would say if they knew??
If I had a dollar for every relationship post I've seen where the OP has a history of ED and their partner is intentionally trying to trigger it, I wouldn't be rich, but wow would the amount depress anyone.
The partners are never stupid or clueless or naive or well-meaning. They are targeting someone with a history of ED intentionally. It's some really sick abuse.
In this case, I kind of wonder whether this guy also has an ED. She says he eats chicken breast and kale, and the way it's written, it sounds like he's actually alarmed at the notion of eating between meals. It just reads very different to me than 90% of the asshole husbands who end up on here.
Of course that doesn't mean it isn't abusive and dangerous; I think it would actually be much worse.
Oh yes, I definitely wondered about that too, I just didn't want to get into speculation on him.
Sometimes OPs try to excuse abusive behavior because of things like that; they're looking for a reason to not hold their partner accountable. Something that makes it "fixable".
Yeah let's not give OP a reason to want to stay. Grabbing a women's stomach because they grabbed a snack and suggesting they might be pregnant.. there isn't a silver lining here. I've been blackout drunk and didn't say shit so fucked up to someone. I've been kicked out of a museum for context 😂
There are so many 'fitness dudes' who have eating disorders. I had a guy get upset and reduse to eat because I bought pre marinaded meat one time. I was livid. It was from my favourite butchers 2 hours away.
It's time for OP to drop 180lbs and get rid of that dead weight of a boyfriend.
Yep. 180 pounds of ugly fathead.
Also sounds like her boyfriend has his own eating disorder. Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic at all
Please, please consider this advice very carefully. An annoying trait in an SO is leaving the toilet seat up. What he is doing is straight up manipulative abuse.
It’s this, OP. Just this. The things your boyfriend says are not “just a joke.” They are bullying, abusive, and cruel. You are dealing with lifelong health issues due to an eating disorder, and your fucking boyfriend insults you, demeans you, derides you, questions whether you “need” that, tells you you should not be eating when you’re hungry, asks if you’re pregnant, and stirs up all the ED hate voices in your head. And you’re asking what you should do?
You should dump him. Today. He KNOWS you have an eating disorder. He KNOWS you have health issues. He KNOWS you have been to in-patient treatment for your ED. And he KNOWS that you don’t like the comments because you have asked him to stop. And he still berates you for eating. He is a pig. A disgusting excuse for a man. Dump him and don’t look back.
I concur with this. You are in recovery. You are starting to have an appreciation for your body and food again which has taken a lot of work. Being with this man will undo any progress you’ve made. If you’ve told him to stop speaking that way and letting him know it triggers you, and he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t respect you.
Exactly 💯
Also her bf has disordered eating pattern as well....
I take EDs very seriously because of how deadly they are. You’re very seriously putting your life at risk by staying in this relationship IMO.
Just think about what this person brings to your life. Are you at risk for relapsing?
To be honest, the thought comes to mind a lot to just say fuck it and relapse completely to prove a point
And give this abusive jerk what he wants?
Girl, RUN! Cut ties with this jerk and focus on healing yourself.
Yes, please dump him! Honey, he is emotionally abusing you! I can’t put it any clearer short of writing it on the wall. He knows what you’ve been through, and clearly doesn’t care. He does not have your health any best interests in mind. Please, PLEASE end this relationship before you put you endanger your health any more. I’m very concerned for you.
Killing yourself isn’t going to prove a point.
But also, yeah, you need to break up. Clearly, this has gone too far if you’re having that sort of thinking. I fully understand where you’re coming from, but this relationship is unhealthy. It’s got to go.
But that's what he wants. He won't see the error of his ways, he'll probably be smug and all "I told you so!!!"
You're fantasising about torpedoing your health and all you worked for just to stick it to your bf. Do you hear how unhealthy that sounds?
Do you have a therapist or go to a support group? Tell them about your bf
Relationships are supposed to be about love and support, not sabotage. Being single is great. You can work on yourself and no one will make snippy comments about your food
& if you do relapse profoundly and are actively unwell for a significant period of time do you really think the person who knowingly loaded you into it is going to be there to love, support and help you?
What if he abandons you then?
Double the devastation.
Double the impacts of your ED and mental health.
You may never recover or injure yourself severely again.
Is he worth all of that!?
The biggest lesson I've learned - and the miracle in my cPTSD, insomniac, bipolar life - is when you break up with a partner that is abusive to you and your illness - YOU GET WELL BEYOND AND HOPE YOU HAD THAT YOU COULD.
My ex walked out when I was 54.
I was certain no one would find me attractive, let alone love me, and definitely not see me for every brilliant amazing thing I am.
I've found love & relationship better than anything that went before.
I am the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.
I'm the boss of me. I LOVE ME. I love my life.
I have AGENCY & no one will compromise that.
I have laughter and joy and sass and my brilliant brain. Never compromising that again.
Living my best life bc my abusive ex can't trip me up, deprive me of sleep or interfere w my reality or success and neither can my family or anyone else.
Everyday is a lesson in wellness. By me, for me, because I deserve it.
Wish I could like this a million times more! I’m proud of you internet stranger, and glad you’re in the place where you are now!
Oh, thank you lovely redditor!.
I share, especially in this sub/context bc I know how far from reality, cognition and any happiness one gets whilst under coercive control.
I too was certain I couldn't do anything. Although I had just started asking my therapist if they thought I should start to consider divorce.
Any way we can shine a light into that dark place and keep the conversation going to bring normalization that this abuse happens to humans.
So many different kinds of humans.
And is perpetrated by humans. Has been for a very long time.
People who get trapped aren't stupid or weak or anything less than.
This is abuse ED or not. It would cause anyone problems with food and you are vulnerable. Please stop spending time with him when he makes these comments.
But I know that’s my ed talking lol…when I was at my lowest (44kg or 97 pounds) I was not okay lol. Constantly fainting and nauseous and ruined my digestive system
Babe. You’re 7 lbs heavier than when you were fainting and ruining your body. You’re still so thin. Your ED still seems to be speaking pretty loudly!
This person does not love you. And I know sometimes you may not love you. But this is not the way. Talk to someone and cut this loser loose.
Heart sunk doing that math. She's definitely very much in the throes of it all...
Exactly! 5'5" and 105lbs can't be a healthy weight for a fully grown adult. You can't even donate blood if you're under 110lbs.
The bf is 100% trying to stop her from gaining any weight or it may be some other type of control thing but OP definitely needs to gain more weight imo. She should ask her doctor tho.
Either way, the bf is manipulative and knows exactly what he's doing. Even if it were "just a joke", you don't joke about food or eating with someone who's had an eating disorder. He's an asshole.
100% this! I’m 5’5, and I was told my target healthy weight should be between 125-135 (as a dancer and cheerleader, nonetheless). I struggled with malnutrition as a teen and young adult due to other health issues, and my doctors were not happy that I was staying healthy until I hit that target range. 105 is still severely underweight. OP’s boyfriend is a major health hazard at this point.
Such a great comment!
It's not just your ED talking, it sounds like he's agreeing with it.
Have you considered immediately improving your health and dropping a massive amount of (dead)weight by dumping your abuser?
I'm 5'6" and 140lbs. Just to put that in perspective for you. I've also recovered from anorexia, about 5 years back. I am a healthy weight, saw my doctor last month.
I get not eating too late, I also have acid issues and take meds daily for it. But honestly, if I'm hungry I'm eating! I'll just pop some tums and sleep on my left side.
Don't stay with this guy. I'm questioning if he's orthorexic.
Don't relapse prove a point. Dump the asshole causing your mental distress. Seriously, it's not worth it and I think you know that (former bulimic 👋).
He sounds like he wants you to relapse; don't stay with this guy. He is putting you down because he wants you to stay underweight
Oh my God, if you are having this thought, you need to get out immediately. That's self harm.
That could be what he wants though? I think about this as if it was my little sister and I would crush a man like this under my shoe as if he was a bug. I (very very luckily) didn’t grow up in a house where people made comments on what I ate but my BF did, and when we first moved into together he made comments when I was eating unhealthy things. I told him one time something along the lines of “I’m sorry you grew up in a house where you were judged based on what you ate, but I did not. I am an adult and can choose to eat whatever I want whenever I want. If you continue making comments it makes me feel bad so I will not go grocery shopping with you or talk to you whenever I’m eating”. He has not made one comment since
Don't kill yourself to spite someone else. You'll be the one in the coffin, not him
Ya, he wants you to be weak and controllable. He's not just trying to control your body, he's also intentionally trying to keep your self worth low.
If you were happy and healthy, you'd never even consider being self-destructive to try to get him to be nice to you. You'd know that it wouldn't work, and wouldn't be worth the sacrifice if it did.
No, that's not what you do. You stop letting him have this influence by separating yourself from him. How "wonderful" he is otherwise doesn't matter when he's abusive and trying to manipulate you into staying thin. His behavior is incredibly disgusting, selfish, and UNFORGIVABLE. It's not jokes. He knows exactly what he's doing. Get away from him before he actually does cause a relapse.
That’s what he wants- there could be lots of reasons for him acting the way he does that I do not have the extra letters after my name to diagnose but the end result is that HE is NOT HEALTHY for YOU. Doesn’t matter if you love him or not, if he’s usually a nice guy etc.
You should not have to hide your meals or lie about them.
You should not be made to feel guilty about eating.
This guy doesn’t actually care about you/your health, and he could have an eating disorder of his own. That is not your responsibility though, and you can’t change this about him.
"He's wonderful otherwise" girl no😭😭
Right?! They (abusers) are ALWAYS great "other than the abuse." That's like getting served a plate at a restaurant that is amazing except the steak is covered in maggots.
You wouldn't brush off the maggots and eat the steak. You'd leave and go to a different restaurant. Dealing with an abusive partner is no different. Stop brushing maggots off the steak, go someplace they would never serve you maggots!
I love this analogy and am going to respectfully steal it
This exactly! The red flags and abuse CANNOT be brushed off! There is nothing that makes abuse stomachable, nothing. The only way to tolerate abuse is to NOT, and cut it out of your life.
"But it's a great car except that the brakes don't work!"
If the only thing that's wrong is a danger to your health and safety, that one thing is enough! How would you react if you heard someone else's bf talking to someone recovering from an ED???
Just go. Find someone who supports your healing and wellbeing and leave this guy behind.
The dude just sounds like an asshole to be honest. The history of anorexia he is aware of just makes it so much worse.
You're nowhere near in danger of becoming obese, and in fact your weight is scarily low still. 47kg is actually below the healthy weight for your height still and it is an appropriate weight for primarily school children. According to BMI standards, 50kg (110) is the absolute minimum for your height that is acceptable.
You need to eat way more to go back to a healthy state and leave the guy if he shames you for eating.
An asshole who has no problem potentially causing a recovery relapse for OP with what could be a potential fatal eating disorder.
Despicable.
sounds like he wants her to relapse
I'd be checking his browser history for eating disorder porn. It's fucked up but there's no experience in humanity that hasn't been 34rd into something so vulgar and disgusting for the purpose of making sickos nut
Then I bet rather than be supportive it’ll be “told you so”
Asshole is too kind. Abuser is correct. He knows exactly what he's doing, it's intentional.
And 110 as a minimum is still tiny. I'm 5'5 and the lowest I have ever been at this height is 130 and that was when I was 14 lol.
"Secretly I think he knows that it triggers my ED and he just wants to keep me thin"
That's exactly what I thought at well. At the bare minimum it's disrespectful and abusive to constantly try to control your partners eating like that. I think if you took a step back and actually looked for red flags you'd see that he's a bad partner for you.. At the bare minimum he's not being nurturing and loving and helping you heal from your previous health and mental struggles. You deserve someone who adores and supports you and someone you feel completely comfortable and unjudged by. This dude is no good for you and could push you into relapsing. Is this someone you really want to "grow old" with? It sounds like he'd dump you once your body changes with age or child birth.
My boyfriend is a super health conscious person, he eats chicken breast and would rather eat kale than anything else.
I might be wrong but this reminds me strongly of an old BF years ago. His obsession with fitness and appropriate foods can be an ED in itself. Your own ED is in the open: his is somewhat hidden and the visible part is socially acceptable. To me it sounds like he's projecting his own issues around eating on to you.
What happens if, say, there's a family celebration and has to eat a heavy meal at the wrong time of day for him and can't exercise. How does he react?
I suggested the same thing. Sounds like the boyfriend is orthorexic.
Abusive people always try to play off their abuse as jokes. This is really not the right man for you.
Please get out of this situation OP! Eating disorders are notoriously easy to slip back into, especially if you're not surrounded by people who are supportive and encouraging you to eat intuitively. If you're going for a snack, YOU know for yourself that you want to eat, and you deserve to eat when you feel like it. It's not up to anyone else to decide if you've eaten enough, only you know that. It sounds like he's trying to keep you in a place where you feel insecure and scrutinised. This is dangerous and unhealthy. Please ditch this A-hole.
He’s evil. Let’s just call it what it is. He is an evil little man.
Please get as far away from him as possible.
I’m in early recovery for what I believe, reading this, is a similar pattern to your own.
Part of how we have to recover is learning to eat food again. Learning to enjoy snacks again. Learning that we can eat like that and be healthy.
To be around someone actively making fun of you for your choices? What a dick. I have no polite words for him. Part of my own recovery is learning I can eat late.
It’s amazing that you managed to eat at 7pm after not eating all day. Truly, amazing. And you should be proud of that.
It sounds like you’re with someone who does not want you to recover. You deserve so much more than that.
Every day on reddit, I read some story of a horrid, hateful, nasty person who emotionally and verbally abuses and tears down their partner and it's always followed by "he's wonderful/perfect/so amazing," otherwise.
You mean other than this massive, glaring personality defect of being a total degrading AH.
He is not wonderful. He's a god-blessed bag of trash wrapped in clothing.
No decent partner who gives any kind of shit about you would be speaking to you in those ways. He uses your, very severe, issues to control you and get you to do what HE thinks is right. He tears you down and makes nasty comments and has you actively thinking about relapsing. Just. To. Stick. It. To. Him. Do you realize how bad that is?
That's not a wonderful person, that's a scumbag loser person who needs to make you feel bad to make himself feel better. Ditch the trash by the curb.
You put it very eloquently. I always roll my eyes so hard at the last line reading ”apart from the fact that he's abusing me, he's a wonderful person". Like, really? Maybe these stories are written by AI, cause I can't imagine how people live with these mental fractures.
Eat the snacks, ditch the bf.
He is trying to control your food intake when he's been told repeatedly to stop. This isn't just disrespecting a very basic boundary, but your recovery. His comments could lead to a relapse.
You shouldn't eat meals in secret or feel you have to just to avoid his shitty commentary.
Good luck on your recovery journey.
Dump him and leave. He’s not healthy for you
Darling, you need someone that says things like “did you eat enough today?” “What can I do to help make you feel comfortable in your own skin?” “Want a snack with me?”
Part of being a health conscious person is understanding that you need ENOUGH food to sustain your body, and deprivation and discipline are two very different things.
Honestly, I suspect that your boyfriend either has an eating disorder himself OR he’s an absolute dick who is doing exactly what you suspect, and wants to keep you sick. These are not jokes.
Either way, he’s not the kind of person you should be with because of your situation with an ED. Your health and recovery are so much more important than his freedom to say whatever the fuck he wants at the expense of those things.
Disconnect yourself from this toxic behaviour. This creep will send you spiralling towards anorexic behaviour again instead of encouraging you he's laughing at you ...what a pathetic excuse he is.
He cares more about his sexual gratification than you being alive. Please think about that and if he's someone you feel comfortable growing old (puting on weight as you age) with.
Whenever you are with a someone that you say, "They're wonderful except for..." then they're really not wonderful. Sure, your partner may do something that's a pet peeve of yours, but that's normal and being human. When there's one major thing they do, that's someone whose love really isn't good.
Your boyfriend is engaging in emotional abuse. Jokes are things all parties can laugh at, not just the person who does it. He may not realize what he's doing is harmful and that's part of the problem. If he refuses to change his behavior because he knows it hurts you, then it's his problem, not yours. You do not have to and should not stay with someone who does this. You have said it yourself, his behavior triggers your ED. How much longer until you let his "jokes" stop you from eating? Or do you see yourself at some point losing your cool and absolutely unloading on him about this? That, by the way, wouldn't be unreasonable, but what's not is how much this will upset you and how drained and exhausted you will feel in the aftermath, plus dealing with however he's reacting because I doubt it will be the come-to-Jesus moment it needs to be for him.
Thank you for your comment. The line “how much longer until his jokes stop you from eating” struck me.
I realized that I have already started to modify my eating habits and am currently on the cycle of restriction. I can tell that my ED brain is overtaking me again and is actually happy at the fact that he’s making these comments as they keep me “thin”
That's exactly what I was afraid of, having his "jokes" making you change your eating habits. You fought the battle with your ED before and won. You really shouldn't have to wade back into that fight because someone else is being a jerk. Even if he scales back on how often he does it, it'll never be ok.
"Secretly I think he knows that it triggers my ED and he just wants to keep me thin."
This is my thought, too, with a side of wanting to be able to control you. You're taking active steps in recovery (brava, btw) and probably becoming more confident and self-possessed as a result. Advocating for yourself, literally listening to your gut, etc. means you're more likely to "fight back" when he acts up. He wants you small - literally and figuratively.
Please keep us posted. Wishing you health and peace.
Hi, kindly, learn to spot abusive men and dump them. This is one.
Holy shit. Leave now! I am in recovery as well. I have fought so hard to find peace with food, and it still isn't easy for me. In my opinion, your relationship puts your recovery (your life) at risk. The fact that he knowingly comments about food is nothing but selfish and cruel. Girl - please, you are WORTH MORE <3 <3 <3 <3
Your boyfriend is an a$$h○le. He knows about the eating disorder yet still comments frequently on your eating habits. You've already talked to him about the issue and nothing has changed, except for you're now hiding/lying about things. It's all very unhealthy.
He sounds absolutely horrendous. Not only is this mentally abusive but I think it might be best for you not to be with someone health-conscious in general. It can’t be good for your recovery being around someone who is constantly counting calories and worrying about eating clean, never mind micromanaging what you’re eating too
Break up with him before he makes you sick again. I don't like to jump to breaking up as an immediately solution, but in situations where your partner is straight up jeopardising your health, just fucking bin him. You're secretly eating, dude. I'm pretty sure that is just disordered eating already. He's unhealthy for you.
Your boyfriend is a horrible person. Kick him to the curb.
He's not Wonderful, dump him.... He's gonna endanger your health and life.
Leave him, he is actively dangerous to your health
I don't like to jump into the "leave him" train, but you need to get away from this guy. He's disrespectful to you, and he's compromising your basic health needs.
Dump. His. Ass. His behaviour is crazy and horrifying. Not OK and I am sorry you have to hear that when you are eating.
Secretly I think he knows that it triggers my ED and he just wants to keep me thin.
Trust your gut.
Women need to stop being so nice and stop giving men the benefit of the doubt, think he's being well intentioned but harmless, or think he doesn't truly know how mean he's being.
When men are being shitty they know. They're shitty for a reason and it's not a good one.
Leave this man.
For the next man I always advise girls and women to never tell a man her vulnerabilities, mental health, or personal issues because it is always used against them. Every single girl I know who has an eating disorder and has told her partner has always been triggered maliciously for it. It's going to the point that I think men who date girls with eating disorders do so because they want a woman whose thin. 🫤
You break up with him and don't date any man that thinks it's okay to poke jokes about your health. Especially when in this case, it triggers you.
Eating disorders are serious. It's in VERY poor taste to even attempt laughing about it. It's not funny. Jokes are meant to be funny. He is being cruel on purpose. There's a difference. He's actually trying to harm your health.
Tell him that if he comments on your snacking one more time you will dump his ass, it's not a joke, it's not funny and he needs to stop because he's an asshole through and through. "It's not a joke, you need to stop or you'll find yourself single. You're hurting my mental health and physical health, you know damn well I have had anorexia and that means you shut your piehole on things or it proves you're just doing it because you're an asshole"
Find a better bf a good partner wouldn’t make jokes about anything like that
He is not wonderful. He seems very controlling to be doing this with full knowledge of your recovery.
When a significant person in your life attacks your challenges it usually means they feel threatened by you and have low self esteem. He is stepping on you to build himself up. Bonus points if you relapse or die; he becomes the supportive bf who really tried his best to help you but you just couldn’t overcome your ED no matter how he tried to help you. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS! Prove to yourself, him, your friends and family, even us internet strangers, that you are stronger than your ED and stronger than him. We all know you are, by the way. You must believe in yourself like I believe in you. I can tell by your post and your responses to comments that you are a strong, compassionate human being. Please get him out of your life. You can be alone and not be lonely; you can be surrounded by people and be the loneliest person in the world. Choose you.
My sister has been recovering for ED for years. Her husband never once judges what she eats.
You need to leave this man, he will not change
BREAK UP WITH HIM. I'm mad for you. That is utterly fucked up. And this man is in his mid-30s?! He has an ED and he's putting it on you. I would bet he's NOT wonderful otherwise, you're just used to it.
This isn't the relationship for you. At. All.
Leave him. For your physical, emotional, and mental health. He isn’t the one.
Girl, this is NOT okay. I know you love him, but his comments are so out of line. It doesn't matter if he's joking or not, those words are hurtful and can seriously mess with your recovery. You've told him how you feel, and he's not listening. That's not cool.
Honestly, if he truly cared about you, he would be more supportive and understanding of your struggles. It's one thing to be health-conscious, but it's another to shame someone who's dealing with an eating disorder.And the pregnancy jokes? Way out of bounds.
You deserve to be with someone who uplifts you and respects your journey. It's time to prioritize your health and happiness. Maybe try talking to him again, but if he doesn't change, you gotta ask yourself if this relationship is really good for you.
Yeah he WANTS you to stop eating and be skinnier. He’s not good for you.
I wouldn't be staying with someone who won't listen when they're negatively affecting their partners mental health
Make fun of your boyfriend while you are breaking up with him.
Not one to jump to the “dump him!!” straight away but honestly I think you need to get away from him. Don’t let him take the power from you over your recovery. It sounds like you’ve come a long way and the last thing you need is someone who is supposed to be your partner trying to push you backwards.
One thought that did cross my mind though is if he has a healthy relationship with food or not? Either way, I don’t think he’s good for you to be around. You’ve already asked him to stop and he keeps doing it.
“What should I do?” Get a new boyfriend who’s not an asshole.
You need a partner that encourages you and supports you.
He needs to make you feel safe and secure.
He is the exact opposite, you know what you have to do!
Cut the people out that makes you feel bad or be negative towards you.
He sounds completely disrespectful. Seriously think about why you’re with him & how much more your self worth is than being with someone like this.
Leave!! He knows exactly what he's doing.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has orthorexia which is another ED. You need to get away from him before you relapse, because that is what is gonna happen if you keep him in your life.
Good luck, OP. You deserve so much more than what he can give you. He needs to get his own help for his ED.
He wants you to relapse, it's painfully clear. Don't let him take your recovery, run away from that abusive shit stain and run far and never look back
So you have to eat in secret but he’s wonderful. FFS
This is the kind of crap that triggers an eating disorder in the first place.
P.S. He’s not wonderful. He’s an AH.
“What should I do?”
You should realize he’s doing everything in your power to make you relapse. This isn’t accidental, dear, he’s trying!
I expect you look very thin to most people. Therefore, it’s unreasonable for him to ask you if you’re “sure” about eating. It’s clear to a reasonable person that you need to eat more, not less. There’s no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Instead of watching your weight, he should be asking how best to support you.
It’s not reasonable to stay in a relationship with someone who bullies you about a medical condition. It’s dangerous to stay when bullying can trigger a relapse, and threaten your life.
Secretly I think he knows that it triggers my ED and he just wants to keep me thin
I think this is likely accurate. In any case, it' not normal behavior, especially if you have told him repeatedly that you have an eating disorder.
Are you secretly keeping this man around because he is the personification of your ED? Or your inner voice? Selfhate? And you want the confirmation around you that something is wrong about you?
Look deep inside, so you can rule it out or act upon it. Get rid of the guy.
If you have expressed that his remarks aren't welcome and in fact hurtful, and he plays it down, he's not a good companion for life.
He's 33 and doesn't consider how his words are hurting you.
You understand your illness and your thinking is amazing.
Find someone who'll eat with you, not shame you.
He sounds controlling and manipulative, and you should trust yourself. Not him.
Go be happy somewhere else where you don't have to worry about the next snide remark.
It is similar to “he beats me time to time but otherwise he is wonderful” I mean WTF. Abuse is not just on the physical level. Either he is stupid as fuck and doesn’t realise what he’s doing or he’s an asshole. Next time he says stupid shit like that I would get really vocal and make sure he is fucking aware of the boundary and most probably I’d pack my stuff and leave so he can contemplate.
He is trying to make you sicker. That’s disgusting and abusive.
Secretly I think he knows that it triggers my ED and he just wants to keep me thin.
Oh honey . . . it's not even a secret.
You are TINY (and I say this with all the love in the world, because your size in general does not matter, only your health and happiness), and he is trying to limit your food intake. And as someone who has struggled with eating disorder AND has a severe GI issue as well, I totally understand that there are ways you can't help but have to be careful when you eat (like being cautious about triggering acid reflux), those are for you and your doctor to decide and practice, and not for him to interfere with or even comment on. Any partner of someone with ED or in recovery should know above all else never to comment on their food.
It doesn't matter if he tries to insist it's a "joke" or he's "just asking". The fact is that he has taken way too much interest in what you eat. Worse I suspect that he may have an ED himself (people who like to eat genuinely healthy understand that that means moderation, not restriction) and is trying to pull you back in so he is not restricting by himself, and that makes him even more dangerous to you.
You are a very low weight for your height, and again, by itself that is not necessarily important, but you really can't lose more, and you know this, and you're doing so great in your recovery by learning to really enjoy food again. Please break up with him. This isn't about him being "not nice". He is a real and immediate danger to your well-being, and the longer these interactions go on, the worse it's going to be for you. You are already eating in secret, and shame around food is a good way to end up restricting again.
You deserve so much better than this. You deserve someone who will enjoy food with you in a TRULY healthy way, not someone who shames you.
He sounds terrible, he is deliberately going for your triggers and ignoring your warnings. This is not the act of someone who is kind, thoughtful and caring. I would give him one last warning, tell him to find something else to joke about or you are done.
In case you need one more person to say it LEAVE THIS MAN IN THE TRASH.
Just think about it for a moment. You are recovering from an ED. And if you had someone you cared about recovering from an ED, would you ever behave how your soon-to-be-ex is behaving? Would you say any of these awful triggering words to someone you care about? You deserve better. Happy recovery- you got this.
Sometimes, the weight you need to lose is not on your body!!! Make that your daily mantra...
Didn't need to read this. The answer to your question is to get rid of him.
It's not a joke, he wants you to relapse. Do not stay with this man. Btw, he is not wonderful if he is actively sabotaging your recovery-- and he is.
Read that last paragraph again. You are eating in secret to avoid his comments. That’s not at all good for anyone, let alone someone with an eating disorder.
You’ve spoken to him several times. He’s aware of your ED. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and he’s given no indication that he’s going too. I’d leave over this.
Congrats. You’ve picked the one guy who will aggravate your anxieties about your eating disorder. You can do better
Secretly I think he knows that it triggers my ED and he just wants to keep me thin.
Even if he's not doing it on purpose he has not shown the capacity to take your feedback to heart and make a change - but I think you're right and he's using this information to hurt you. Either way, intentional or unintentional, he's not healthy for you.
He is not wonderful if he's a grown 33 year old man who doesn't understand why this is triggering for you and continues to do it. At this point it seems like he's deliberately trying to trigger your eating disorder because if he wasn't then he would have stopped when you told him. He knows the impact it has on you, he just doesn't care.
He doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Don’t stay with someone who is manipulating and mean
Nope!
Every steamed chicken guy i know hates themself and is lonely and bitter, and they have to tear you down. That might be their spice of life, because i know it ain't Lawry's.
Seriously, this man feels small and insignificant and tries to shit on you to make him feel in control of something.
Leave the loser behind, he's obsessed with monitoring you and that constant spying and admonishing is soul-crushing.
What you should do is leave his ass. It’s supposed to be a joke? Well then explain to me how it’s funny. No, your partner is supposed to be your happy peaceful place, not a dick who is literally a danger to your health
Tell him how he makes you feel. If he fluffs you off or continues then he doesn’t care- get a new boyfriend who will care.
As someone who is 38 and suffered from Bulimia for like 15 years - leave him. He will end up making you relapse which is probably what he wants. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t care that you’re recovering from such a deadly illness and thinks it’s amusing to trigger you back into it?
You deserve so much more ♥️
Lose the boyfriend. That’s psycho behavior by him
Yeah hun, a wise person once told me people date, people who they think they deserve. So you dating someone who is “health conscious” and continue to date someone who is actually a manifestation of a person of your disease means you are mentally not healthy to be dating.
You need to go be single and go work on your mental health, you keep being single till you can teach yourself what is love and leave to actually love yourself enough to not choose people who are also mentally unhealthy and physical manifestations of your disease.
Break up and block him. Be single for a very long time and stop allowing someone to treat you this way.
EDs are a serious health problem. He’s an AH and certainly doesn’t have your best interests in mind. No loving partner would behave this way. You and your recovery are far more precious and important than your relationship with this arsehole. X
Actually issues with stomach acid can be helped by eating frequent small meals and snacks. Eating when you’re hungry is kmportant. You should be eating frequently actually. He’s being a dick.
Hun, I've been where you are. Like seriously I related so much to your post it is scary.
He's an arrogant piece of (insert profanity here). Dont put up with it, all it does is hurt you.
I've have bfs who cheated on me who weren't that ****. Don't hurt yourself for their ego or how they think you should eat...he's literally disregarding your mental health and even when you told him to stop, he intentionally chooses to ignore your wishes.
Honey you’re being emotionally and mentally abused. Get out.
Leave him. I’m not gonna waste my time reading of this . A partner who doesn’t fully support you in anything, let alone the journey to your HEALTH is a bad partner.
I hate to say this but he likely partly got with you BECAUSE of your ED history. Whether that means you’re easy to control, his little pee pee prefers underweight women, or he himself has an ED, or some combination of those none of us can say. But he’s a very unhealthy partner for you to have.
Some guys intentionally date girls with history of eating disorder because of low self esteem. He is totally doing this on purpose. Leave him, it's not worth your mental health.
Oh come on, OBVIOUSLY he’s toxic and he’s struggling with his own eating disorder and he’s in denial about it. You cannot stay with him. Next boyfriend: end the relationship the instant he makes any comments about your food or eating habits. EDs are no joke, they can be fatal, you need to take care of your self.
This is abuse, period. You need to move on, abusers don't change.
It's abusive for him to shame you like this for eating, especially with your ED history. Think about the kind of future you'd have with this guy. Would you hide your meals forever? How would he treat you if you actually were pregnant? Or treat an impressionable young daughter? What would you do if you couldn't hide your meals, like if you were on vacation with him? I would be a lot more concerned about a partner who was regularly missing meals than one with an increased appetite.
He would rather you be rail thin than alive. 105 lbs at 5’5 is tiny! Even 125 is very skinny at that height.
You are correct in thinking he’s triggering you on purpose to keep you thin. A key component of jokes is that they ARE FUNNY. Nothing is funny about this. Even if he found it funny, you very clearly have communicated that you do not.
Many men think they can get away with saying whatever vile thing they’re thinking as long as they say it was a joke. Sounds like he’s one of them.
Get a new Man !
Dump him.
I'd give him an ultimatum, confront him about it again, tell him his comments hurt you and everything you said here and tell him to either stop these comments or pack up his things and get the hell away from you.
Get a new boyfriend is the only answer.
0/10 do not recommend continuing this relationship. This is gross behavior and will only get worse.
End it
He is showing you an extremely high-level of contempt. Contempt is the leading predictor of unsuccessful relationships.
Why the absolute fuck are you asking for advice?! Leave!
You should drop his stupid ass.
Op I would bet that you lost weight since starting this relationship. He is going to lead to a relapse and is not going to support you into stopping again
It's never funny if it's at your expense. Nobody that truly loves you will target your insecurities in order to amuse themselves, or in some cases, try to establish some sort of control over you.
Eating disorders are very complex and it is difficult for those who have never had one to understand. However, you made it very clear you are uncomfortable with those comments. Full stop. It's a reoccurring issue, and he will likely be a detriment to not only your mental health, but also your physical health if he contributes to a relapse in the future. Causing you to change your eating habits is already beyond bad.
You made a point that your relationship is good aside from this. As much as I would love to hop on the bandwagon of saying to leave him, I think it is a bit unjust to recommend that without insight on the rest of the relationship (but what he is saying is fucking awful, I'd of left for that alone). Men can be fucking stupid, even more so when it comes to mental disorders. I'd recommend a serious conversation with him about this. Maybe something along the lines of "I understand you're "joking" with me, however it makes me feel unsafe. I need your support right now so I can become better and healthier, something that should be desirable for the both of us. Any comments on my eating habits feels detrimental to my progress, and while I understand that it's not your intention, it's something that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable."
If he gets defensive about it, I would begin thinking of an exit strategy. If a man cannot handle a direct and mature conversation about a subject like that, it is not worth it. Nobody is worth sacrificing your health and happiness for.
Get out of this relationship before your boyfriend ruins your mental health and your physical health. This guy doesn’t give a damn about you.
Lose 200 lbs of extra weight and dump him. He doesn't respect you, or your journey.
Get a different boyfriend. I’ve been a recovery for years and your food disorders like alcohol and stuff it remains for life. You don’t need to be made fun of for how you eat.
this is emotional and mental abuse. that is not an exaggeration. he’s mocking and trying to manipulate you. trust your instincts. this is life or death.
Get away from this guy, he’s absolutely terrible for your mental health.
Break up with him
Dump him immediately! It is a huge deal that he KNOWS about your eating disorder and still makes comments. If he didn’t know and was just a health nut… I’d say at least try to keep explaining… but no this is super toxic and this man could really do damage to you. 105lbs is really underweight for most people unless you are about 4 feet something tall. As a nurse I’m worried you still might not be eating enough honestly
Leave him. This is not supportive and I agree he sounds like he is trying to trigger it to keep you thin.
There are much better people out there who will NOT trigger you on purpose.
Why would you want to stay with someone like that? You can’t change him, he’s not going to stop. This is what you think you deserve? This is what you’re okay with dealing with indefinitely?
As someone who recovered from extreme anorexia as well, I cannot express enough how dangerous a person like this is to your recovery. I also want to congratulate you, not only does your recovery journey, but your ability to recognize his behavior is wrong and not lean into your disorder.
Your boyfriend sounds like an absolute jerk. It's sad how he reacts knowing your history. Also sounds like some projection on his end. I think you need to sit him down and have a stern conversation with him. Tell him you are fed up with his triggering comments, and if he has at least an ounce of respect for you and your recovery journey, he'd stop. If he doesn't after you set a very firm and fair boundary, I think it's time to rethink the relationship.
Obviously, I want to say break up with him and leave him regardless. I couldn't imagine being around someone like that during my recovery while I'm fixing my relationship with food & my body/mind. But I know it's not always that simple!
Please tell me if nothing changes how do you see your future together? Is this what you want your life to be like?
You have expressed how you feel and he’s choosing not to make any changes. I think you have a spot on intuition that he likes you small and wants to keep you that way.
If he sees no wrong, and he doesn’t want to change, the only control you have here is over yourself. You need to take yourself out of this situation before it triggers you deeper and stops your recovery.
This is so damn abusive it makes me a bit angry tbh. Two of my best friends have eating disorders (recovering anorexic and binge eating) and I wouldn’t even THINK of saying something like this to them. It’s insane to me that he sleeps at night.
If you love someone, you support them. Not tear them down or manipulate them to stay skinny. Dump his ass girl
He is harming your recovery, which means he is endangering your life. You need to get rid of this person in your life; he doesn't love you or care about you. He is trying to hurt you on purpose. You know how deadly eating disorders are, so this is a type of abuse.
Incidentally, he may have orthorexia, but it doesn't justify what he's doing to you.
He’s wonderful otherwise
Except he wants to kill you by keeping you in a deadly mental illness. What possible wonderful aspects trumps that?
Easy. Dump him. This is absolutely a great reason to kick him to the curb. He is a sick man.
Leave him
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