Why is my(m37) wife (f30) jealous that my ex-wife has found love?

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In her head your ex wife is a hag that couldn’t keep her husband, she thinks she’s the upgrade.

Someone falling in love with and committing to your ex doesn’t fit her narrative.

Your ex was meant to grow old and alone in her mind, your new wife isn’t a good person

If this is true, this is wild behavior.

You seem healthy and well adjusted at least. Only thing I can think of is she has some irrational need to feel superior to your ex wife? Maybe she is in constant private competition with her?

Info: is your ex’s new man “better” than you? I.e. richer, better looking, nicer car, better job?

I'll be blunt. How did you and your current wife get together? Did you cheat on ex with her? If so current wife might have felt she "won" against your ex. And now there's someone new to compete for. Hence the friend request to the new man.

Maybe she thought she had won a prize (you) but now realizes that your ex might be the actual prize.

Your current wife has some very serious problems. She IS obsessive, jealous, has total disregard for the well-being of your own children if she cannot see that silver lining, and a whole other host of personality flaws. Did you not see this behavior prior to marriage? What is their history, and how has she treated your ex-wife to her face in the past? DO NOT have children with this woman. You will create a much worse family dynamic than you have now, and she will elevate her children above your own, and it will be a constant battle.

It’s jealousy, she’s jealous that your ex had you before she did. Ridiculous, childish behavior…..good luck with that.

Soo your wife said who in their right mind would want her? Well you must not be in your right mind cause at one point you wanted your ex…

Good God, what did you marry? Yikes.

My ex husbands wife was like this, right down to the attempting to contact my partner on social media. Did you have an affair with her while married to your ex by any chance? It’s incredibly strange and unhinged behaviour, my only theory is because she ‘stole ‘ him from me I now had no right to move on in her eyes, I don’t really know. Thankfully she seems to be over it now, but I know she’s made cutting remarks to my ex about the fact my partner is much taller than him.

It’s really odd and not nice to deal with, I’m thankful my kids are older now and I don’t have to deal with them so much. It’s up to you if this is behaviour you are willing to tolerate, I personally couldn’t.

My gut reaction is: Does your current wife also seethingly resent your children for their mannerisms and resemblance to their mother?

You may very well be the parent who's brought a toxic adult into your children's sphere.

Your wife is insane because none of that concerns her , sounds like she wanted her to be alone for the rest of her life .. u need to put her in line and tell her enough is enough

Your wife is extremely jealous of your ex wife. She’s also emotionally immature and it sounds like sort of a psycho. Big downgrade for you there, bud.

Sounds like your current wife gets off on the idea of your ex wife being jealous of her and her (your current wife) having what the ex wants and now that that’s definitely no longer the case, she’s pissed.

I don't know you, your wife or your ex apart from the few hundred words you used to describe them. From your post it sounds like your wife was glad she "took" you from your ex (the bad guy) because, well, she's a bad person, but with a new guy who seems nice showing interest in your ex, your wife is feeling jealous.

Is there anything you're leaving out in your post? Like any bad blood or something between your ex and your now wife?

Wow. You kept the WRONG woman this time buddy.

Just a complete stab in the dark based on limited info. But since you asked, I would guess it's immaturity and also internalized misogyny that a presumably woman who is older than her and divorced w/ kids would find a relationship. Begs the question why she dated and married a guy who was married and has children? It's a big enough age difference where those subtle differences in maturity now show but there probably were small signs you missed but obviously you can't ignore this level of jealousy and immaturity.

You are going to have a wild ride with your wife. She needs to get some help.

Jealousy at its finest. Kids are involved here, I would put my foot down and tell her it's A. None of her business and B. Creepy/weird how obsessed she is. If she's still choosing to be delulu, I would leave. 

Op genuine question and not trying to pry but did you ‘cheat’ on your ex with your new wife? Whether that’s emotionally or physically or both? I can sense from the subtext that there’s some weird competition going on with your current wife. When you’re content and emotionally secure and stable in your self, you don’t go around trying to wish bad towards the mother of your husband’s kids. If anything you should be wanting the opposite. Her also trying to add the new partner of your ex makes me feel that your wife was trying to get him to accept the request to see him ‘slip up’ or catch him out. It gives me the sense that you started out your relationship with your new partner not being wholly honest with your ex…

I don't have anything to add except I'm mindblown by how astute and quite likely right on the money a lot of these comments are. There's some smart people here.

Buddy here’s the thing:

Your wife’s behavior, if ever found out by your ex, is reason to sue you for full custody because no one in their right mind would want their kids around stalking and obsessive behavior.

Her behavior could endanger your relationship with your kids.

Wowww your wife is evil! Who in his right mind would want your ex? Well, YOU! once upon a time. Jesus she is so jealous and she hates your ex. I bet my money on the fact she wil go after the partner of your ex. 

Because some people think happiness is beating others.  Since your ex remarried she is questioning if she now lost to this woman.

Whether or not you consider it cheating, she had her sights on you when you were married to your ex-wife and she has spent the last few years feeling like she won. Now the ex that she thought was older, bitter, and alone has been happily falling in love with an attractive man with money for the last 2 years and is making him a permanent part of her life.

Her image of having "won" is shattered, and she'd freaking the F out. Keep her away from your ex, do not let her ruin this or your amicable co-parenting, and get to marriage counseling ASAP if you want to make this work. This is a woman who is desperately going to be looking for attention elsewhere for the ego boost.

Was your current wife an affair partner? Because she seems unhinged like an AP. She got off on an ego trip that she stole someone’s man and that she was picked over the wife. Therefore, she has this mindset that she is better than your (ex)wife. She wouldn’t be happy knowing that your ex is doing better than her and happier than her. Looks like you married down than up. If she is that hostile towards the mother of your children then she shouldn’t be around your children either.

… I have some less than good news for you…

This woman that you married… she isn’t healthy and I’d be asking your children if she has hurt them. Hopefully she hasn’t, but she hates the woman you once loved so much she may hurt her children to hurt her.

This is a HARD boundary that you need to reinforce with steel armor.

“That is the mother of my children. Once upon a time, I loved her. Who the hell do you think you are to be disrespectful of that role in my life? If she has found someone who is loving and kind and brings her happiness, then I am overjoyed for that. I thought I had found that happiness for myself. You are currently making me question that belief.”

If you don’t want to live with a hateful woman and have your children fear the person you married, grow a spine really fast and insert yourself between your wife and the mother of your children.

Your wife needs therapy. After an outburst like that, I wouldn’t trust her around my kids or my family for along time.

She needs therapy. I would recommend couples therapy as well.

I am wondering why she needs to demonize your ex as not worthy of love.

If your current wife is an affair partner- that destroyed your relationship with ex- then, her reaction is rooted in feeling like she will always be in competition. —- nothing you said makes me conclude that, but it is the only thing that would make sense to me in similar relationships that I’ve seen unfold this way.

Random curiosity, was bashing your ex ever a part of your relationship with your wife? Maybe even earlier on, when attitudes were different?

Well now you know your current wife was never really into you and didn’t marry you for love. This whole time this was a game to her and it was always about your ex wife, not you.

You say in the comments your wife is pleasant and other nice things about her… your current wife simply wanted whatever SHE HAS. She saw your little seemingly perfect family and wanted it so she took you from her.

And now your ex wife has another “perfect” set up and she’s angry about it. She’s angry about it because she thought she destroyed your ex wife. It’s about keeping your ex wife humble.

Your current wife is very catty, calculating and loves the long game. This is about wanting what your ex wife has.

Don’t be surprised when she forms a relationship with the new man.

What is your wife’s obsession? Did you cheat on your first wife? Is that how you got your second wife. That might explain it either that or she’s just a very insecure woman.

Good for your ex-wife. I’m glad she’s going to be happy.

Treating the children well was part of the game. To make sure she took everything from the ex wife. Now that the “game” is over you need to keep a close eye on how she speaks to the kids.

Does your current wife know your Ex's fiancé"? Sounds like she wants him. Want's to get to the bottom of this by talking to him?

Oh man. I know one story similar to this where the wife was so intent on winning the competition with the ex wife that she went after the ex wife’s new man relentlessly. Sending him social media follows/invites, messaging him, and just trying to create opportunities for him to “realize” that she was the superior woman.

Looks like you’re gonna have a 3rd wedding, bud.

Your wife is insecure because she was your affair partner. She was competing with your ex-wife, and she was insecure about it. She's still competing with your ex in her head.

Your current wife thinks she "won," like you are a prize instead of a human being. Now that she sees her "competitor" doing well, she's not feeling secure in her "win".

My sister’s now ex cheated on her with a mistress he got pregnant. Ex left my sister for mistress. He and mistress got married & had more kids. Former mistress now wife dedicated her entire being to trying to destroy my sister’s life for close to a decade after all this went down. Identity theft, death threats, you name it. I don’t have a good reason why but in my opinion, cheating ex got what he deserved - he has a batshit crazy wife now. Sounds like OP is in the same situation. Good luck with that!

Yeah I think you have left a lot of details out. I have seen such cases before and this is what usually would have happened :

1. You cheated to some extent during the marriage. I saw in your comments that your wife was one of the reasons why you didn't put in effort into your previous marriage. You were emotionally cheating to some extent. And to your wife, it seemed like she won you so she's better than your ex.

2. Your wife must come from a dysfunctional family- either her mother wasn't emotionally available for her or she had to compete for her father's attention.

3. You must be speaking highly of your ex and still like her which shows in your body language and interactions with her. I'm pretty sure your wife would have noticed it. So now she must feel you are stuck with her.

4. The new guy is better than you financially and lopks wise- which you have agreed to in other comments. My friends get jealous when their ex moves on and finds a good girlfriend.

5. Life with you isn't exactly how she pictured it to be. Seems like she's a bit dissatisfied with her married life.

6. If she has siblings, then she may not have a good relationship with them and be competitive and jealous of them.

7. In her eyes, she's young and childless for now so she is worth more than your ex. How can someone 10 years older, being a single mom of 3 get a better person in terms of looks and money. She's unable to take it and maybe second guessing why she ended up with you instead of doing better. I really feel she has some issues with her father.

8. It shows that you have gone through some serious discussion about your feelings and the different phases you've gone through in therapy. Because your comments contain clarity and are unbiased. I hope you find happiness along with this clarity. Kudos to your therapist and you for working through emotions of regret, hindsight, and acceptance.

How is your marriage with YOUR wife? I think your wife maybe wanted your ex wife to be miserable and alone for the test of her life. Her behavior is very concerning IMO. God forbid she gets pregnant by her new husband and your wife flies off the fucking rails.

Can I point out,  that from this, you chose poorly when picking a stepmom for your kids. If she's being this disrespectful about their mother around you, what is she saying to or in front of them when you aren't there to see. This is a very unhealthy dynamic for your kids to be in. Maybe ask her if your next wife should be obliged to hate her as much as she hates your current ex. Okay, that was petty, but do you see my point here?

So I read most the comments here and formed my opinion.

Your new wife got a thrill going after a married man (you) and she won the prize when you left your wife for her. She got off on the competition.

In her mind the only way she still ‘wins’ is if your ex is suffering. So for your ex to now have ‘upgraded’ she’s now in first place. Your new wife is showing her true colors. This was always more about ‘winning’ to her than it was creating a mutually loving relationship. She doesn’t care about anyone’s happiness. She cares about winning because it’s the only way she feels good about herself. In reality, she’s toxic AF.

I had a childhood friend who was the same way. She’s now in her late 40s and on marriage 3 which all started with married men, one who used to be married to her sister. She has no more friends because eventually people started to see her for who she really is.

Don’t think this is the last of it, she may ramp things up, contact the new boyfriend, try to turn the kids against the new boyfriend. Heck she may even throw herself at him. All because she needs to ‘win’. She also might lose interest in you because you are no longer a prize, you sparkle has worn off.

Why is your current wife giving side piece energy? No offense but that's what it sounds like.

Your wife is unhinged as everyone else is saying. She just wants to see your ex-wife unhappy which is truly pathetic. She actually wants to see your ex-wife have an awful life. Your wife is a disgusting person who needs therapy. Who acts like that? Oh that’s right… children.

Your wife sees your ex-wife as an old lady who deserves to be alone for the rest of her life? Why? For having you first? It wouldn’t surprise me if your wife was trying to get into your ex-wife’s finance’s pants just so she can “stick it to her”. What would you expect from someone as charming as your wife?

The important thing you left out is you “fell out of love” and waited until you were officially separated to pursue your current wife, who you knew and were interested in…so “technically” not cheating but guarantee your wife feels like she won- in her imaginary competition with your ex. So now she wants to be sure you are still the prize- that she is still better.

Jealous bitc*. Why are you with her and not your ex?

You’re over your ex. Your wife isn’t.

I think it’s as simple and as complicated as that. Your wife is in a one sided competition with your ex, and your ex has wisely decided that the only way to win that one is not to play.

Honestly- this could potentially go very poorly unless you put your foot down. Either your wife starts acting like an adult, for the children’s sake if nothing else and stays out of your ex’s relationship and away from her new man, or you leave. 

Dude, your wife needs therapy. This is not normal.

Well if i had to guess, I’d say it’s because your current wife is a narcissist. They are hollow people who feel jealousy for those that actually do possess empathy and real kindness, not fake kindness to convince other people that they are good.

Narcissists are very good at convincing people that they are normal and fun and good, and will oftentimes play the victim, even when they are the instigators. They play on people’s sympathies that they themselves do not possess. So they can fool you, they are very good at it. You might not have married the type of person you thought you were marrying. You might have been fooled.

Alright, judging from your comments, you did cheat. Albeit emotional cheating with your current wife. But cheating nonetheless.

So, logically speaking it appears as if your wife enjoyed "stealing" you from your ex. She won by stealing a married man so she's felt superior because of that. Now finding out that your ex has dated happily for 2 years shocked her and she's upset because she's not supposed to be happy. She's supposed to be sad and lonely and old because she lost her husband to a younger woman. She's supposed to be miserable in your wives mind. But she's not. Your ex is happily in love with what sounds like a great guy.

Her sending a friend request to him shows that she's found a new target. Because she can't stand your ex being happy and appreciated.

That's on her though. She seems unhinged and obsessed over your ex. I don't think yohve done anything wrong and I doubt there's anything wrong with your marriage at all. She just can't be happy unless she steals the happiness from other people. And you missed all those red flags in the beginning because of the excitement of having something new, younger and exciting.

I'm not even sure she ever loved you. And that's up to you to find out really. But you can easily see where her priorities lie. Stay back and bit and observe how she acts and talks. See what she does and pay attention to details. Is she still sweet and loving with you, initiating intimacy and hugs? Lovingly hanging out? Or are those things starting, but ending with comments against your ex?

Your wife has low self worth and got a self esteem boost when she thought she was "better" than your ex. She's nuts. She clearly pitted herself against your ex and felt like she "won" because you wanted to be with her and not your ex. So in your wife's mind, that made her better than your ex.

That world view crumbles when your ex meets and falls in love with someone new and great. That means, your wife is not "better" because you chose her over your ex. It means that the ex is actually a great person, and your divorce and remarriage wasn't about you "trading up".

Your wife is absolutely bonkers.