My mom called a wellness check on me.

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My husband's mom called the police on us several times to report abuse/neglect of our daughter. You can explain the situation to them. Eventually they threatened to charge her with calling in false reports or harassment if she kept it up. Good luck and I'm sorry. It's frustrating.

I guess I just need advice, should I just rip the bandaid off and block her?

Yes, because it's not like you're killing her. You can unblock her again an hour later if you wanted to.

What if she tries to show up at my house

She's never put forth that kind of effort before, so I wouldn't worry about it.

or sends the cops again?

(Shrug) You just say, "Hi again, Yes, I'm fine.... you want some coffee?"

My Nmom loved to pull this shit on all of us. She’s an alcoholic and drug addict and she will get ideas into her head that are so off base it’s scary. Last year she decided my husband was abusing me and our son out of nowhere because he finally had told her off one day due to her drunken behavior at our house. She decided that if I didn’t answer her calls in the middle of the night that meant he had killed us and he was going to run. So she began calling all my siblings and calling me at 2am etc which we all pretty much ignored because it was the middle of the night, were sleeping.. she left voicemails threatening to call the cops to make sure we were alive (also we live in the same area, she’s a 20 minute drive away) and then later she kidnapped our son while we were out of town from the babysitter. We told her she can’t just up and take him, she tried a second time and we told her again she can’t just take him we never asked her to take him and we never would. She flipped out and threatened to call the cops and CPS and lie saying we both were abusing our son so we warned her, you do that and you’ll never see him or us again. Sure enough she called, we got a visit, they assessed that nothing was wrong with us or our son and left us alone. We proceeded to get a permanent restraining order on her using the voicemails as harassment, texts and also the babysitter and her mother as witnesses. The judge gave it to us and now she’s no longer a problem and we’re happy safe and comfortable. Peace. If your mom decides to escalate by harassing you and if she gets violent or anything you keep record of everything and you take it to the courts. If the judge can assess that she’s a danger to you or stalking/harassing they can help. Get some cameras set up and don’t block her. Gather all of the evidence you need and if she escalates continue gathering the info till you have all you need and then block her and take it to the courts.

This internet stranger is giving you permission to rip off the bandaid and block her. It sounds like it's time. Just understand that she might play reindeer games. She'll borrow other people's phones and call you, or she'll get other people to reach out FOR her. Please get in the habit of letting every call go directly to voice mail. You can screen accordingly.

Also, if she deigns to show up at your house, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LET HER IN. Keep your doors locked at all times, even when you're home. Install a Ring camera, if you haven't already, and call the cops to have her removed.

This happened to me. 

It made me feel unbelievably trapped. I felt like I could never get away from her, and she'd follow me forever forcing her drama down my throat.

You can absolutely go NC. It doesn't have to be forever. But you might like it so much you just... keep going. It really freed me from that trapped feeling and it's been 5 years now.

You deserve to live without harassment, whatever you choose.

When she does it again, because she will, use the phrase “she is of diminished mental capacity”, which is cop speak for bat-sh!t crazy.

I used it once when a family member called in a wellness check on me. Their eyes got really big & they started nodding. They understood I was perfectly fine and that said family member was actually harassing me. At 2 AM! Less than 24 hours after my husband passed away.

Oh my goodness, I feel for you and can relate. My parents went on a vacation awhile back, and I was required to housesit for them (I don't live at their house, and am a completely independent adult - but I wasn't yet ready to risk standing up for myself by saying no. It was a HUGE favour to do so, as they live quite far away).

They told me to pick up their dogs from the kennel the weekend of their return. The kennel closed at 6; my work shifts end at 3 typically and it was an hours' drive away. I was asked to cover an extra hour of my shift, so went to pick up the dogs at 5 instead of 4. There was no expectation set of what time they expected me to pick up the dogs.

When I got back to their house with the dogs, there was probably 100 missed calls and angry texts asking where I was and accusing me of abandoning their dogs, that I was a lazy POS, that I was worrying them on purpose, etc. In that HOUR, my mother had sent all of those texts/calls, called the kennel multiple times when I didn't arrive exactly 1 hour after the end of my shift, AND called the police. A cruiser abd two cops showed up saying my parents said I'd gone missing and was up to something. I was interrogated, the house searched, and a police report made. All punishment because I worked an extra hour and didn't meet their uncommunicated expectation. Again, all of this happened during the hour that I was driving so I wasn't checking my (silenced) phone.

Anyways...just wanted to share that you're not alone, and I understand. You 100% have a right to feel angry over this; it's a huge violation of boundaries because an unhinged parent didn't immediately get their way. This isn't your fault ♥️

Some phones give the option to mute a person. So you are not stressed by the texts. I do think at this point if you’ve cut her off then keeping her unblocked will only give you stress.

Block her. I quit responding to my families drama. It wont stop them from creating drama but at least you don't have to live it.

I'm pretty sure your mom got a reprimand from the sherriff for doing this. They don't appreciate people wasting their time or resources.

A simple response to your mom can be like this:

"Today I received a visit from the local sherriff to check on my well being. He said that you called him because I had not responded to your messages after 2 hours. This experience was upsetting to me and very disruptive to my day.

You message me constantly about my brother's health, and most of the time it is not serious enough for my concern. Even the most serious of cases have never been concerning enough to expect a prompt response to your messages.

I have a busy life that involves my husband and children, and am not always able to return messages promptly. And based on your history of reporting my brother's non urgent health problems, I have no reliable way to determine what is a real emergency from what is a cry for attention. Have you ever read "The boy who cried wolf?"

After speaking to the sherriff, I have come to realize that I no longer can be in any contact with you for any reason. You have abused my trust by creating false emergencies and involving law enforcement to get unwarranted attention from me. This is your notice that you are not welcome to contact me for any reason, and any attempts to do so will be considered harassment.

I strongly suggest that you speak to a therapist about your behavior so you can learn to get your needs met in a productive way that is in harmony with others."

Advice - block her. Everywhere. Mine still internet stalks me. File an order of protection if you can, just keep documentation of her efforts to harass you so you can seek remedy in the court if you need to.

These people are not mothers. I call mine what she is to me now

She's my spawn point. Simply where I came into this game of life. Nothing more.

Ugh. It was hard to Blick at first, but I finally did for my family. I would get so anxious and upset every time I got a text/voicemail, that it was affecting my family for days. Choose your real family you made. It's totally worth it.

Same happened to me. My Nbio mother did this shit.

Use the police to your advantage - I've been in contact, she is just pulling her BS, act completely sane, not angry/screaming but calm, collected and annoyed at YOUR mother.

This is total BS.

I would be looking into how to press charges for filing a false police report. People like this only understand real consequences from someone they can't bully (like authorities).

I told mine that sending third parties to harass me made her look stupid and wouldn't get her the results she wanted and that slowed her roll some. I would let the police know that she's filing false reports about being concerned about your wellness and you're fine and you don't want contact from her. Then let her know you did that and that she "may" be subject to a fine if she's wasting police resources. I also sent her a DIY Cease and Desist but you could have a real lawyer send her one too, and then say all contact has to go through the attorney like they do in contentious divorce cases and that she will be financially responsible for her interactions with the attorney.

I seriously have to thank each and every one of you for the advise and support in this thread. It seriously has been so great and overwhelming to see. Although I do still have a lingering fear of things to come, I find that that is normal especially in this situation, but the encouragement I’ve received is so empowering and solidifying in what my next steps should be, I again cannot thank you all enough.

Contact the sheriff’s office directly.

File a report with them on the harassment and especially mention she already used the agency to further that harassment.

You may need to talk to a lawyer on what would be necessary for a restraining order or other no-contact court order.

Set boundaries for yourself and maintain them. Otherwise, they just keep doing this shit over and over again.

NC, or LC + Grey Rock, is really the only way to manage them. But it takes practice and consistent strict enforcement on your part to get it right. Good luck.

Talk to the police, and file an order to stop contact and if she continues, then it will turn into a restraining order for harassment, since she clearly didn't respect you (and police) telling her no more contact. You've got the messages to prove it. My brother had to do this to my mom. If she contacts him (and his family) or even his in laws then there will be a restraining order filed.

Consider a restraining order.

Talk to a lawyer. Record everything.

Yes. You may have to change numbers too. I had to because my mom used my number for telemarketing( and would ask for her name )

My mother is like that. Extremely manipulative and controlling. She clearly doesn’t respect you and it’s time to protect your peace and block her. It’s exhausting to deal with this type of BS. Protect your peace.

If you can't block yet, maybe just mute.

About the blocking thing? You have a wound, ok? Every time she calls or texts (even if you don't read them), it is like pulling the scab off your wound. You bleed again and have to start healing from square one again. So, of course, it's totally up to you if you want to block her or not, but you're only going to get the space you need to heal once the scab isn't being ripped away every day. Also, a lot of phones these days still accept texts from blocked numbers, you just don't get the notification and it's stored away from your regular texts.

Block her. She knows she’s lost control over you and this is her extinction burst. And now the sheriff knows she’s full of shit.

Coming from someone with experience, send her one final message saying that you find her behavior unreasonable and threatening, tell her explicitly not to contact you again, and then block her. Save copies of that message, and on maybe a monthly basis, check your spam folder to save any texts or voicemail she sends you to an external storage device.

When she inevitably ignores that and tries to contact you again, get a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter, and inform the police that you are being harassed.  Show them the evidence that you would hold her not to contact you again, and she's ignored.

The reason you do this, is so that if necessary, you can get a restraining order and take other steps to protect yourself. If you think her behavior might escalate into violence, or manipulating other people to harass you, you could take the nuclear option and move, getting a PO box to protect your privacy.

These are all legal steps you can take to protect yourself and pave the way for taking more drastic action if you need to. However, this doesn't address the psychological and emotional aspect. Ask for your partners help in this. If you're worried that you'll break down in contact your mother, ask them to maybe hold on to your phone for you, or check in with you at a specific time everyday to make sure you're sticking to your plan. Talk to them about what you will do if your mother shows up at your house and causes a scene, how you will protect your children, anything you can say to the neighbors to make sure they don't give her information or letter in, etc.

Your mother is harassing and stalking you.  Keeping yourself safe and your sanity and tab will take work, but it's doable. And if you ever feel guilty, remind yourself that a loving mother does not behave this way. She should feel guilty for how badly she's treated you, no amount misguided guilt or obligation on your part will fix that for her.

I'd go one step further and change your phone number entirely, honestly, and maybe install a ring doorbell camera for your front door (assuming you don't already have security cameras on your property), because you'd better bet that your mom will suddenly find the time/ability to come to your place once she realizes you've gone NC.

Rip the bandaid. This is insane behavior and you need to block her for your peace of mind.

I’d make sure she is told anymore “wellness checks” of a 30 yo will be met with harassment charges. Then stick to that.

I asked him to tell my mom not to contact me and that I would no longer be in contact with her [...] Since then, I’ve gotten a text from her every day.

Yeah, just block her. This is legally helpful to show that you have done everything reasonable on your end to try to prevent further contact.

Make sure that your home is ALWAYS ready for a CPS visit as well as police. She has proven that she WILL weaponize law enforcement to punish you for ignoring her and not letting her control you.

Your mother appears to be escalating. Go talk in person if possible, to the police. Ask for their advice. See if they are willing to stop these false welfare checks.

Consider a pre-emptive call to CPS. Explain how your mother has weaponized law enforcement and ask if they would like to visit as you are expecting her to make a false report to harass you.

Keep in mind that the Sheriff is not "available" to your Nmom to just come bother you over and over. They have a public safety function -- once convinced that there is a possibility that someone is in danger (sick and unconscious, etc), they check it out.

They are not likely to do it twice and certainly not a third time -- they keep files, too. Many of their policies are "is she a danger to herself or others or incapacitated in some way?" That can be solved in a couple of minutes as you have already experienced.

The NC mindset is that what she does has no effect on you. You are an independent adult. The person selling perfume at the mall wants to affect your life, calls out, might even step in front of you. You just walk on by. And blocking is a reasonable thing to do.

That's the advice -- what can you do to put your Nmom into your "perfume salesperson" category?

Hoping she'll change isn't going to do anything. It's uncomfortable, but yeah, you're going to have to take some action IF you want to do anything. Sometimes it's hard to work up the stamina or willpower to do something, which is okay too if you're not quite there yet. I advise not getting in an attempt or last word or anything, but picking a time frame for yourself that you won't look at or respond to her communications. You're in charge of this so you can decide. A week? Two? A month? Two? Forevermore? You are actually in charge so if you decide to unblock later you can. But I would try it on for a bit, and try to be as non reactive/boring as possible as you can with everyone else. "Yes, it's really unfortunate that she involved the police, I've decided that I'm going to separate for awhile." "Oh, how interesting. Did you have another topic to talk about?' 'Hm, I'm comfortable with my decision and it's not open for discussion." "Looks like our conversation has run its course. Thanks for calling, bye now." If people are texting you abuse, it's okay to block them too. You're in control of that, so you can remove it or not as you wish.

I find that my narc parent really tends to test and try in bursts to get an emotional reaction out of me, but it extinguishes quickly when I am bored and also very boring, and also very consistent. I don't even remind of my communication expectations now. When she violates them it's automatic no response whatsoever for six months. After about 6 years she doesn't violate them in ways that hit my boundaries, but that was not super stressful because we were out of contact for half that time. :)

Yes just block her. When she tries to harass you, ignore her and do not reward her abuse with attention. She wants attention. She does not care how you feel and is a bad mother. Stop putting yourself, partner and children through this.

I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to just block her.

When OP gets over this stumbling bock and initiates full No Contact, all this nonsense ends.

I guess I just need advice, should I just rip the bandaid off and block her?

Yes. All this manipulation, control, abuse, and "wellness checks" end when you go No Contact.

What if she tries to show up at my house or sends the cops again?

Never open the door without identifying who is outside demanding entry. If it's dear old Mom, you don't have to open it. You don't speak to them through the door. You call the police and tell them someone is trespassing and you need them removed. If she's sent the police, inform them she is not your next of kin, and you have gone No Contact with her. Ask them to tell her you want to be left alone.

How would I address her if she’s tries to guilt trip me like she always has?

This becomes a non-issue after you go No Contact. If you don't read her texts, emails, letters, cards, gifts, etc., and if you block her number and don't answer calls from unknown numbers, she has no way to guilt trip you.

Stay strong, OP. You can do this. Peace, healing, and recovery hang in the balance. Good luck.

text back. New phone whos this?

Can I clarify this: your mother has never met your school/age kids? Is that what I just read? I would have blocked after my child’s first birthday! You are too kind and complacent. Block her and never speak to her again! Prioritize your nuclear family. Good luck!

This is such a terrible red flag OP (of course there were multiple RFs in the story). I’m sorry this happened to you. I had a similar case where my fraternity called the cops on me told them I was acting psychotic due to drugs even tho I had just thrown out all my drugs because I had started believing in God finally and I realized drugs were wrong for me. They really do whatever they can to ENFORCE their fear driving strategy. They have all these tactics you never knew they were capable of turning on you so hard. Then you realize the whole time you were just a toy puppet plaything and really this thing that happened to you is terrifying. Your inner child could be really scared, ya gotta protect your inner child so you know you’re truly safe. NC is a good idea, you mentioned. It’s hard to cut off family because they brainwash you to think you owe them. That’s really terrifying the sheriff came a few hours later. It sounds like your nmom/neggdonor really thinks she has you by the nape

I somehow did like the opposite of this. My mom’s insane sister couldn’t get ahold of her, and got my cousins (who I actually will talk to) involved who live in other states and they wanted me to go check on my mom who I am very low contact with. I was at the pool with my kid and his friend and not near my mom’s house, and she has some health issues so I called in a wellness check for her. She was fine, at work not even home, just stopped responding to her sister because she’s nuts.

I felt like such an idiot for wasting the cops time and of course I’m a decent person so I had to apologize to my mom for calling the fucking cops over her idiot sister losing her shit. For some reason I didn’t even think to text her first, I just kind of panicked when I saw all the missed calls from my cousin and called her back and it was the first thing I thought to do.

Not the same as what your mom did, that’s nuts and ill spirited.

I totally hear you not wanting to block her number, I understand the attachment to the sliver of hope she dangles. But I’ll tell you the truth, the weight that lifted off my shoulders when I blocked my ndad, just knowing I wouldn’t have to feel that hollow pit in my stomach when I see his name pop up on my phone.. that is immeasurable. Highly recommend. You’re not alone in all this sis❤️

Think about what you are about to do as a process, one that may take several steps to achieve. While going through the process, you may discover that NC is not right for you, and there's nothing wrong with that, either.

You seemed concerned about her histrionic calls to family and law enforcement. Annoying, but so what? She exposes herself to family when you have to explain to them why she's harassing them, which is not a bad thing for you going forward. As for LE, they will quickly tire of her antics and deal with her directly, again exposing her to outsiders.

Now is the time to pull the trigger on blocking her, while the sheriff event is still fresh. See how it works out before you reject it entirely. You may find it freeing.

Block her and be happy.

Restraining order tell the police that she's not well and they should ignore her request for checks I'd do a full cut of lock the doors and then sit back with noise canceling headphones and find your true self.

My understanding and unconditional love to you.

Send one last text stating you want no further contact with her and all further attempts from her to reach out/contact/visit will be considered harassment. Screen shot the text and save it. Put her on do not disturb so that you can document her crazy - you may need it if you need to pursue legal action against her. Start a binder where you file all the screen shots of her texts, emails, letters. Get a doorbell camera if you don’t have one already and make sure your family knows not to open the door if she were to show up.

Block her everywhere and go on with your life.

If she shows up at your house, do not answer the door and call the police.

She's not going to learn, she thinks she can break you and you are hers to control.

/raisedbynarcissists 

Block. And don't look back. Maybe consider getting a new number.

Block your mom & brother and "change your number." Get a Google Voice number or two and give them to your understanding family. If your mom or brother text/call one of them, block & cut that family member too.

Actually change your number after that.

If this doesn’t show you what you’re buying into by not cutting her completely off, nothing will. But you have to get there for yourself.

Block her and get a restraining order for harassment

After my mom tried this, the police followed up with her, and informed her that she could be charged with filing a false police report if she tried that again.

Send one last text telling her not to contact you anymore, screenshot/save it, then block. If she calls another wellness check you can report that as harassment and show them the text.

Preempt the police by letting them know about this. Include any family that may help her.

Therapy. ❤️

Yesterday, my toddler was being particularly horrendous until I laid down with her and got her to nap. I ended up napping myself. So, for me not to have responded to a text for 2-4h is totally not unheard of. If I and my kid had been woken up from our nap by the sheriff because I'd simply not responded to a text during this time, going NC with that person would be one of the nicer things I would consider doing to them...

At the end there before I cut contact my mom was threatening a wellness check on me weekly just to scare me into texting back. If you don’t block her now, well, that’s the future you’re headed for.

I'm going through a similar thing right now... NC with my family but haven't blocked their number. In your case, I would let her know that you're blocking her number and block it right after. No need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). I would be cautious about adding anything to the text about 'dont come over'. I wouldn't want to put the idea in her head.

If she shows up at your house, tell her through a window that she needs to leave or you'll call the cops. That's it. If it gets bad enough, a restraining order might be necessary... If she calls for another, numerous wellness checks. File a police report. She can actually get in serious trouble for fraudulent police calls.

Overall, don't let her guilt trip you. If she shows up to your house, screaming through the door that she "drove all this way because she's worried", do not believe her lies. She's throwing a fit because she's not getting her way. She needs to know and learn that there are consequences for her actions.

My sibling called a wellness check on me when I blocked her phone number. The worst part is that when I actually was feeling suicidal several years ago, she knew bc I had told her & she did nothing. But fast forward a few years when I simply didn’t want to speak to her anymore bc she’s out of touch & causes drama, she called the cops on me. I’ve never been able to see her the same way since.