Newbie Struggling with Partner's Insensitivity

Advice

I'm new to poly, about 6 weeks into dating a partner that I think has taken on too much too soon. My partner Cinder is a lovely person who I've been friends for about 10 months. They're partnered with a married couple, Rio and Tea, for 3 months in addition to having a boyfriend, Kanvas, of 5 months. It's a lot to adjust to, but I really care about them and I'm down to try. I interviewed my poly friends, took notes, read a lot, watched some videos, and prepared myself as best as I can.

This weekend, the entire cule went to an event 1.5 hours away to support Cinder. They'd said they would be going back home alone that night, even though Tea and Rio wanted to spend the night with Cinder, in an attempt to avoid showing favoritism. We had lunch, dinner, hung out, and at the end of the night, Cinder invited all of us back to their apartment. I was a little surprised and confused. Kanvas had to leave, but Tea, Rio, and I expressed interest. I thought it could be good for us, enjoy talking with Tea, and if I'm honest, would've felt left out if I just went home. Before plans were finalized, Rio declared they wanted to go and didn't want to stand around the parking lot any more. We split up to drive home, Cinder getting a ride from the married couple back to their car.

I drive for over an hour without hearing about the night's plans. I gave Cinder a call. They answered laughing with Tea and Rio in the background. The call ended mysteriously for some reason. They called back. They were still in the car at the parking lot more than an hour away. They confirmed that I was alright and after listening to Rio go on a laughing rant about how they thought I hung up on them and were so worried I was mad, I gathered they'd had a big relationship talk and arrived at a better place which was good. I frankly don't care much for Rio but was glad they were feeling better and that the cule was more stable, but also felt pretty uneasy that plans had changed and that I wasn't told.

I told them all to drive safe, went home, and sat awhile trying to process my feelings. Cinder let me know they were on the way home and I told them to drive safe. At 2 in the morning, they texted "I is home safely." I was in bed and didn't reply.

This morning, Rio messages me on discord that he'd gotten food poisoning from dinner and thrown up a bunch, especially at Cinder's apartment, which means they'd all gone home together. I think he was trying to bond over humor.

I was pretty hurt and angry. Cinder invited me to go out today and I declined politely. They've got a performance improvement plan scheduled for tomorrow and I don't want to stress them out while so many things are falling apart in their life, but I feel like this was a breach of my boundaries. I've emphasized several times to them that I don't need to be #1 in their life, but especially won't be deprioritized for other relationships except in cases of emergency, or if there's communication beforehand. I feel like I was underhandedly disinvited and neglected, and possibly misled on purpose.

Thing is, if they'd told me what they wanted to do, I 100% would've been in support. I've told them if they need to dedicate time to their partners, I can be flexible, but giving me a heads up about plans and expectations is important. What hurts is that I don't think they even considered my feelings, and am afraid that they were intentionally vague about their return journey home, or that they had gone back with their partners. It feels like a secret, and I don't know what to make of Rio's random discord message this morning.

6 weeks in, I have a feeling that poly is actually doable for me, and that I've been able to overcome jealousy and maintain good communication, but this relationship just isn't going to work. I love Cinder for sure and many of their actions show they deeply care about me, but I'm consistently getting hurt in ways that seem avoidable from a thoughtful partner. I don't think Cinder has any idea I'm upset. I'll talk to them about it this week when things are a little calmer and they don't have this PIP looming.

It just fucking sucks, feels like this might just keep happening forever, and eventually I'll exit the relationship for my own wellbeing.

TL;DR, hinge partner invited entire cule back to their place after an event, stayed behind with a couple, didn't communicate changes in plan, and went home alone with them after and didn't mention it.

in polyamoryby slowjamzintheevening

89%

14d

13d

boredwithopinions

14d

That's a lot of new relationships to throw into one blender of an event.

slowjamzintheevening

14d

Indeed. The day itself was emotion-stoking enough without the finale.

dangitbobby83

13d

Your partner isn’t stable. 3 or 4 new relationships, especially a triad with a married couple, smacks of lack of impulse control.

Honestly, this entire event shows you they don’t really have the ability to offer a relationship to you.

The way they were acting, how Rio is, the fact it’s a married couple, it’s all hitting my alarm bells. Sounds like they purposely ditched you, probably at Rios request and your partner just went with it.

I’d be out. It’s not worth it.

slowjamzintheevening

13d

That's more or less the feelings I've had this weekend thinking it over. I feel like they had no idea how much energy and time tending to partners would require and just blindly pursued all of us and now they're getting pulled in multiple directions. They're also very bad at saying no and disappointing people.

The married couple I liked initially but I've soured on them since then. I'm preeeeetttyyyy sure they're unicorn hunting Cinder for sex and really want them to be in a closed triad. I have a feeling Cinder is acquiescing to their desires and incapable of enforcing boundaries or speaking up for themself or other partners.

wandmirk

Lola Phoenix

13d

I'm a bit confused as to what's going on here. Is there a reason you didn't ask more questions when you were confused at Cinder inviting you all back to the apartment?

Do you have personal individual time with Cinder that's scheduled? Or do you find yourself having to tag along to other things?

slowjamzintheevening

13d

Well, we were all together, and while that wasn't the original plan, I wasn't upset by that idea. I didn't really have questions about it that seemed important at the time. If we'd all gone back to their apartment to hang out as suggested, that would've been fine. It was that invite being shifted into just them hanging out and leaving me hanging with no communication that bothered me.

I don't make requests for Cinder's time and haven't for weeks. Cinder's expressed feeling overwhelmed by time requests from other partners and I've taken a low-expectations approach, but Cinder initiates plans with me of their own volition that satisfy my time and energy needs with them. I rarely tag along to other things and only when Cinder invites me to. We don't have any specific time scheduled at the moment, but they typically stay over Friday night and into Saturday afternoon.

wandmirk

Lola Phoenix

13d

It doesn't sound like the low expectation approach is working for you. I think it would be good to have scheduled dedicated time together. If you had specific time with them, then my guess is you wouldn't be so bothered by sudden changes of plans or them not communicating fully in situations where they may be caught up by social stuff and forget to communicate. I think if Cinder is going to have that many partners, Cinder should really learn to deal with requests from partners and learn how to manage their schedule better.

slowjamzintheevening

13d

I can see how you would draw that conclusion and it makes sense, but after reflecting on my feelings, it's the feeling of being sidelined and forgotten that evening and catering to Rio and Tea that bothers me. I feel content with the time and attention I get from Cinder otherwise.

I'm fairly certain that if they'd given me a heads up or checked in, I would've been in full support of them taking care of that relationship and encouraged it.

wandmirk

Lola Phoenix

12d

Fair enough. From what it sounds, it doesn't sound like Cinder did this intentionally. It seems like they're just a bit all over the place and maybe a little on the people pleasing side.

BetterFightBandits26

relationship messarchist

13d

It’s been 6 weeks.

Cinder’s a fucking mess.

Dip out. This is absolutely sub-standard behavior (unless you’re all under like 25yo).

slowjamzintheevening

13d

Cinder’s a fucking mess

That has become increasingly clear to me lol

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14d

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Here's the original text of the post:

Thing is, if they'd told me what they wanted to do, I 100% would've been in support. I've told them if they need to dedicate time to their partners, I can be flexible, but giving me a heads up about plans is important. What hurts is that I don't think they even considered my feelings, and am afraid that they were intentionally vague about their return journey home, or that they had gone back with other partners. It feels like a secret, and I don't know what to make of Rio's random discord message this morning.

It just fucking sucks, feels like this might just keep happening forever, and eventually I'll exit the relationship for my own wellbeing.

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14d

polyamory-ModTeam

14d

Your post has been removed for trolling.