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Something isn't right in this story.
If Apple has a decent tolerance to alcohol, one drink did not threaten their ability to stay awake. Was there another chemical in the drink? Or is Apple making up stories to be a wedge?
Giving someone an intoxicant, including alcohol, with the intention of overdosing them into unconsciousness is an extremely big accusation. This isn't a small deal by any measure.
If this is indeed what happened, Birch should be ejected from your lives before they do even worse and more dangerous things. If this isn't what happened, then Apple needs to be reigned in for their overreaction about a heavy pour for someone who is known to have enough experience with alcohol. And, I'd recommend explicitly exploring why Apple jumped to such a catastrophic accusation, because this has every opportunity to escalate and cause harm to Birch, who may not deserve it.
While Apple is mad at you about you saying something to Birch, they still felt comfortable accusing Birch when talking to you. Are they comfortable with other people they might confide in? Will Apple tell Cedar? Who will Cedar tell?
Allowing Apple's insecurities to create extremely damning false stories about Birch is also not OK.
Regardless of which of these stories is true, you have a much bigger problem here than whether or not you should have said what you said.
The thing that really makes this fishy is your response to another poster.
I would agree except Apple does want to hang out with Birch again
Something isn't right here. Why would they want to hang out with someone who intentionally overdoses them to get them to pass out so they don't have to hang out with them??
This is a glaring inconsistency. Apple should want to avoid people who attempt to poison them...
Yes exactly that's what I thought!! It doesn't make sense why Apple id so caught up in my betrayal if they are ok hanging out with Birch doing that to them. And what if they dose me up and I'm unwilling to sleep with them? It's not quite right is it.
'If you are accusing my partner of intentionally overdosing you on drugs, I need to know if that's what happened so I know if this person should be thrown out of my life. You wanting to hang out with them again is making this a very confusing situation. Did they poison you? Or are they cool to hang out with?'
And then watch Apple scramble to make up a hodgepodge of conflicting excuses for this as your confidence in their story drains away.
My money is on Apple hoping this story would work as a wedge between you an birch, slowly prying you away from them. They're willing to keep hanging out to look for more opportunities to make birch the bad person here. That you told Birch means Apple's plan is not only not working, it's backfired. Now Birch is going to also feel untrusting of Apple and Apple may have actually just made a wedge between you and Apple.
Apple wants to transfer blame of this to you so that your guilt papers over your brain's analysis of what actually happened and how we got here. Overdosing Apple wasn't a big deal? Telling Birch is the real problem here?! Please...
Thank you...yeah I know there are other perspectives but thank you for this because genuinely I felt like this was a HUGE deal re knocking someone out with alcohol so you can have sex. So yeah you're 100% right the reaction to me taking it seriously and trying to do something about it doesn't make sense...
Also I did apologise but Apple still sort of stonewalled and stopped talking about it and just wanted to stop talking and go to sleep.
Apple still sort of stonewalled and stopped talking about it
Step 1: distract from and hide your guilt by blaming someone else for something else.
Step 2: get angry and refuse to discuss anything, making it impossible to undo the blame transfer AND avoid all future questions about their own behavior.
Step 3: be willing to move forward and not hold things against people so that they also let it slide and move on
Thank you for this ❤️ I'll see what happens I guess, at the end of the day I can't control anyone other than myself. I guess we're up to step 2 haha can see what happens next
Is Apple generally on the jealous side? I ask because it feels like a bit of a leap from "my drink is strong" to "they purposely made my drink very strong in an attempt to knock me unconscious so they could sleep with you".
I agree with the other person that compartmentalizing in general is a good practice, but something about Apples reaction sits wrong with me. That feels like a fairly serious accusation; having a response of simply "I don't want to be around them" without expressing greater concern about essentially drugging a person seems odd.
Yeah that's what I thought...tbh generally though Apple isn't very jealous at all. They still want to hang out as well, just don't want Birch making them drinks or doing a lot of drinking next time. I guess I take it seriously because Apple generally isn't like this and there no malice or anything. I guess I was underthinking it, but if I were Birch I guess I'd want someone to let me know if I was pouring very heavy.
Another way you could’ve addressed this without mentioning Apple or how they felt was: “Hey the drinks you poured were really strong that day. Can you can make them lighter next time?”
And moving forward just consult Apple before you speak on their behalf. Now that you know everything they share isn’t free for you to share, don’t be afraid to ask directly: “Would you like me to say something to them about it?”
Actually that would have been a good way to say it yeah, thank you!
This is a weird story.
Apple mentioned it a few weeks later not a day or two. On the surface it’s both accusatory and vague. I think they made me drunker than I wanted to be for their own reasons.
I wonder if Apple has a bad feeling about Birch, can’t place it and got this idea from someone else. Or if they have concerns about their drinking and are projecting?
No matter what I absolutely would not hang out with them together again. If you can trust Birch fine. Maybe Apple is acting weird. But don’t make Birch vulnerable to other accusations. Or if your own inner voice tells you Apple is right somehow then don’t make Apple vulnerable to manipulation by Birch.
Intuition seems to be what this is leaning on. It’s not something I would ever have repeated. It’s not that intuition is always wrong. It’s just there is no effective way to use someone else’s intuition as a half hearted tool.
Heavy pour is not a concrete thing. People drinking need to take responsibility for their own alcohol intake and stop when they feel off.
Thank you yeah I feel like my emotions are kind of all over the shot with it as well hey...there's something not sitting right here. But yeah agreed I shouldn't have them hang out together again if it's clearly unsafe for one reason or another.
The people in my life with high alcohol tolerances enjoy heavy pours. They don’t sling accusations the next day that someone had done something to them. They might say something like, “Birch? Yeah he’s cool but boy does he make a mean drink!!”
Apple’s decision to assign ill intent, and then whisper in your ear about it, smacks of trying to ‘poison the well’. Now you have questions about what kind of person Birch is, when all we know is that he poured a strong drink for someone.
Nobody forced apple to drink a strong drink. You’re responsible for your own consumption. Like if you’ve done any drinking at all this is baby behavior.
Exactly! The response of anyone I've ever known who drinks with company and has a good alcohol tolerance to receiving a heavy pour would be "thank you"!
i don’t think you did anything wrong, personally. if one of my partners accused my other partner of getting them “too drunk” on purpose, i’d be having a conversation with said partner too because that is a serious accusation to make and if it were somehow true, it would be grounds to break up.
it’s possible your partner drank too fast, got a bit too drunk, and is placing blame on your other partner for making the drinks. you said yourself you tried the drink and realized it was strong, if that’s the case, your partner would’ve noticed too and they decided to drink it. maybe they are embarrassed and didn’t think you’d actually take it seriously and talk to your other partner so they tried to shift blame onto them.
but it’s a pretty serious accusation to throw around and hopefully a simple misunderstanding. there are things you keep to yourself but certain things (like this) have to be talked about.
Thanks, yeah it is a weird situation to be in...
Also questioning why Apple didn't say anything about this in the moment. It is totally normal and acceptable to say "whoa, that's a little strong for me, I might need to add a little more mixer/make a new one".
"I said to Apple after that maybe a boundary for me going forward is that they don't tell me things about my other partners if they expect those things to stay a secret between Apple and I."
Tbh, I actually think that's reasonable if you know you can't keep your mouth shut ;P I'll suggest my NP say this to their next partner, as they've already discovered they can't keep comments about me to themselves. At least not weird comments, like when the toxic unicorn who tried to date us both told my NP that she wasn't attracted to me anymore since she decided I was definitely a trans man in denial. I'm a femme cis woman, so the accusation was exceedingly odd :P (She's also a cis woman, so no trans-dar.)
My NP's inability to keep things from me is definitely a sign that we're overly enmeshed, but on some level I also think it's just who they are. They're incapable of dishonesty & holding things back. (& yes, they do have AuDHD ;P)
Thank you for this, it felt very validating.
Yeah I think that I'm definitely some type of AuDHD variant. I can't abide lying or dishonesty in any variation and I am self aware enough and like that enough about myself to kind of be okay with keeping it?
I also almost exclusively only date other neurodivergent people who are generally pretty understanding which helps.
That sounds fine to me! I think it's best to know yourself well, & to trust that people (including yourself) will continue to act according to their nature. My GF also has AuDHD, but whereas my NP is inattentive, she's hyperactive. She loves to gossip (in a positive way) & overshare about her other relationships, mostly good stuff, & occasional drama. I genuinely do not mind (or at least I didn't, until her BF started treating her badly, & now I don't like him anymore.)
Now, I could demand that she start abiding by poly social norms, & work on maintaining better relationship hygiene. (She could also demand that I work on my time management so I'm not late all the time.) But I'm not very confident that would work. Instead, I just assume that she also overshares about me to her other partners, so I make sure I don't tell her anything I wouldn't want them knowing, & I try not to give her too much to complain about ;P I also don't complain about my NP to her, as I don't want their struggles spreading around the polycule.
You aren't hinging very well. All you needed to say was Apple isn't wanting to hang out right now. Why would you give those details and expect no drama?
'I said to Apple after that maybe a boundary for me going forward is that they don't tell me things about my other partners if they expect those things to stay a secret between Apple and I.'
No, learn to not blab everything to everyone who tells you anything. That's the hinges job. To tell one partner they have to pretend the other exists is kind of crap.
I would agree except Apple does want to hang out with Birch again
That doesn’t mean you should agree to that.
That may be unfair to one or both of them.
Which ever, but you need to step up and learn some discretion.
These are the sorts of things you learn by doing and unfortunately that involves screwing up and learning to do better next time.
If I were you, I hope I would have ...
Birch, the drinks that night were a over the top. In the future, let's all mix our own drinks so we can each control the strength.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can find one here. The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Hi u/RoseFrosting thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hello! I am in a long term relationship with Apple but have been seeing Birch for a few weeks. We are a V and I am the hinge. I went away with Apple to the beach for a few days and one of the days Birch came over and we had drinks and I slept with Birch in their bed (preplanned).
A few weeks after this Apple said to me that he wouldn't be comfortable drinking with Birch again because they thought that Birch had intentionally made them a very strong drink to 'knock Apple out' and therefore sleep with me sooner. Apple has a relatively good alcohol tolerance and he says he had this drink then felt really drunk really quickly and passed out. I didn't think about it at the time but I did try a bit of Apples drink that Birch made and it was pretty strong.
So I was very concerned about this and I told Birch that the drink they made Apple was too strong for them and Apple wasn't sure if they'd be comfortable drinking again so if they still wanted to hang out with Apple (and I specifically said zero pressure to see him again at all etc) could they make a weaker drink next time?
Birch apologised straight away and said they still wanted to hang out with Apple but wouldn't mix drinks.
So I told Apple about this and they were really upset with me and said they felt really betrayed and even thought they didn't say that the conversation was confidential that it was implied. We talked about it for a fair while and sort of worked it out but Apple is still really mad at me and says they don't know if they can be open with me again if I'm going to go off and tell other people things they meant to be private. They said it made them feel really anxious and it will affect their relationship with Birch and they'll feel awkward around them now.
I guess I can be a bit direct at times, but I also think that it's concerning and a big accusation and I thought that without putting a suspicious theory into it but just delivering the facts it would give Birch a chance to correct course while also ensuring Apples safety. I am a pretty transparent person with my own feelings and life so I generally always opt to try and fix things early and well if there's been a breach.
I said to Apple after that maybe a boundary for me going forward is that they don't tell me things about my other partners if they expect those things to stay a secret between Apple and I. If they want to share information with me I'd like the autonomy to act on it, especially if it's a safety issue.
But I throw myself on the mercy of the community - what does everyone think?
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