Moderator removed post
We noticed that this post/comments may pertain to safer sex practices, STI exposure, and/or STI testing. Let's everyone make sure we are not using problematic or stigmatizing language around this topic. Please refrain from using the words clean/dirty when what you really mean is STI negative/positive. Members, please feel free to report any comments to mods that are adding to the shame and stigma of being STI positive.
For more information on destigmatizing STI's by changing your vocabulary please see "CLEAN OR DIRTY? THE ROLE OF STIGMATIZING LANGUAGE" as well as the article "Having an STI Isn’t Dirty or Shameful, and Acting like It Is Hurts All of Us"
It is the stance of this sub that even the term "STD" is problematic language as "disease" is a stigmatizing word, whereas infections can be treated. Also, not everyone with an infection develops symptoms, and since there is technically no disease without symptoms, STI is the more scientifically accurate term.
advice and opinions about STI's shared by community members is not medical information and all posters should refer to their primary care physicians as well as trusted sources such as the CDC, WHO, planned parenthood, or other available resources.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Hi u/SnakeX13D thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey everybody. M37 here, never been with a poly/ENM type before, met an F30 on a whim a few weeks back. Saw her profile said ENM/Poly, didn't care figuring at the most I'd be a side guy for fun to her. She made sure to ask if I was aware that she had a partner and if I was cool with it, and I affirmed as much.
From that point, things kicked off and we got straight to brass tacks FAST. All manner of dirty talk, pictures and video being exchanged, lots of texting. Mutual attraction assured, we were both into each other, and it was fun. Two days of that, we make plans to meet, and when we do I can succinctly describe it as the best sex either of us have had in a long time, with plans to do it again without question. 12/10 performance on both sides.
She'd mentioned that she's been with her partner for ten years, and that they'd cheated on each other in the same weekend, and that the ENM/Poly lifestyle was their solution to save the relationship, and that because of this things had been rosy between the two of them since then. I had a hunch that, given the circumstances, the two weren't actually in love but it was just easier to do the ENM thing after being with the same person for ten years, rather than ripping the bandaid off and starting over-- that they were essentially roommates that shared a bed.
She then clarified that her "partner" was actually her husband-- they had eloped less than a year ago, and their wedding party to celebrate their union with family and friends was coming up in a week or so. She said that they're a team, he's her person, but when she's with me, she wants to make me feel like a man-- like a KING, no less, but that she can only share so much of herself with me even though she trusts me a lot and trusts me with a side of herself that not many have seen; up front she'd even said how she never uses tinder to find people and when she found me she had turned on her account on a whim, seeking a sexual partner to balance out the fact that her husband himself had a partner and since I did such a good job and she clicked so well, her search was over-- she then later claimed to have deactivated her tinder account.
I had asked her how she avoided catching feelings; she said something to the effect of she would back off if she felt like that's what was happening, and if I thought she was doing that also, I should do the same.
Now, in the days leading up to and immediately following our physical encounter, everything was fun and bubbly and moving back and forth at a pretty decent pace-- everything seemed good. 😘 emojis and ♥️ reacts back and forth, "I love it" or "I love that" in response to things we'd said to each other, talking about how much we wanted each other and what we wanted to do to each other, things like that. Otherwise, I understood the implied parameters: While she was at work or away from her husband or up late at night was when she'd speak to me, but when she got home and was with him, she was all about him. Cool, no qualms from me.
But I say IMPLIED parameters because beyond what I've described already, nothing was ever laid out or set in stone as far as expectations go. How I behaved and responded towards her was a reflection of how she behaved and spoke to me, all the while I was never really sure what I was supposed to be or how I was supposed to regard her in light of how things between us were playing out; Should I be more present, or less? To what depth? Should we talk regularly on a day to day, or should I only wait to hear from her when she wanted to get laid? I was basically playing it by ear and going with the flow at that point.
A week passed and by then things started to seem to taper off; she would respond slower, or not at all. It got to the point that if I heard from her once in a day it was a lot. We had to cancel our next meeting because she had a lot of prep stuff for the wedding party to do, and she claimed that it was all stressing her out and she wouldn't feel like her normal self again until after it came to pass (which was yesterday). All the while I was frustrated because I didn't know how to ask her about what she expected of me in totality without sounding like I was catching feelings and consequently push her away-- I didn't want for that. This was when I noticed she disappeared on tinder.
One day during good morning small talk, I asked if she was okay. She said yeah, and asked if it didn't seem like it. I said I knew she's been feeling stressed so I was following up on that, but also that she seemed distant lately (I never said it, but I didn't know if I had done something to cause that). I also asked if she deactivated her tinder. She said she did, and thanked me for checking in on her, but she also said that when she went on tinder she was looking for a casual fling rather than something serious, and she felt like things between us got serious fast and she couldn't be looked at as a girlfriend and didn't want me to get the wrong idea because she had her hands full with the relationship she was already in.
I told her, I'm glad you mentioned it because I wasn't sure how to broach the topic; I wasn't sure what she expected of me in terms of what I was supposed to be to her beyond sex, but the bottom line was that I really liked having sex with her and want to continue to do so, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't neglecting her or being all up her ass (in a bad way lol) either way. Since she mentioned casual, I asked if that made us friends with benefits.
She said she understood my position, and that we don't really have to put a label on what we are. I said okay, and asked if we were good. She said, "Yeah last time I checked!" I said "Lol perfect 😘" and kept the conversation going as normal. I sent a meme I thought she'd like, she laughed at it, I told her how my day was going, and... that was it.
It's been two days, I haven't heard a word from her. I HATE when this happens with women where we hit it off mutually to the point that I think of them so often, and they start to flake and back away for reasons unexplained. I figured I'd give her her space to be all lovey dovey with her husband and get the wedding party out of the way so she could focus on friends and family and being present in that setting. But I can't tell if I've been slow ghosted and cast aside, or if it's just me dwelling on the situation so much and wanting something I don't currently have access to BECAUSE I don't know whether or not I'll have access to it.
I've asked a few friends about this, three of whom have experience with ENM folk. I asked them independently. All their assessments match: That the girl wasn't mature about how this was handled both in what her expectations were or how she behaved one way towards me, pivoted, and then did a 180; that between that and her backstory, it seems like commitment is an issue that she avoids. That it wasn't me reading into anything more than how it'd been presented, and that I acted accordingly.
What do you all think? Is this normal? Was it me or was communication not all that it should have been from the beginning? Should I wait and hit her up at a later point and try to salvage or pick this up where we left off, or just take the experience and the memory for the wins that they are and move on, searching for a replacement?
I don't want to forget she existed; I told her we fit together, physically and in personality, like puzzle pieces, and she agreed with that. But I also feel like an idiot to keep sitting here wondering what's going on or if I've been ditched entirely with no closure.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.