Non Nesting Partner Blues

✨ Sparkle Princess ✨

5mo

Hey friend, can I access what kind of time you spend with your partners?

Because I do get those kinds of things from my partners, just not as often as their nesting partner might.

Is it access and time and amount? Or a complete lack of things like overnights, long date durations and casual non-sexual interactions?

5mo

Excellent questions! Things vary as I’m just now done with a commitment that tied me up 2 nights a week, but generally we aim for a weeknight hang either all together and / or she and I will get together (our dynamic is much more cozy / platonic, I like to call him our sexual detonator lol), and sexy times tend to be Saturdays or sometimes Fridays - I’d say those dates are currently about 75% me and him; I was brought in initially because her energy and libido have dipped recently and this works just fine for all of us.

Whenever sex is on the agenda there is still a nice long date / visit and lengthy cuddles and chats after. We’ve all had a bit of a pre checkin chat separately and together and more sleepovers is going to be on that agenda which is already making me feel better but I’m not sure what that will look like till we talk it out.

Thanks for replying, I hope this helps :)

✨ Sparkle Princess ✨

5mo

How long are the dates?

Hourwise?

Overnights?

5mo

Edited to clarify: I’d say weekends are probably in the 4/5 hours range - definitely a solid chunk of time as a general rule. They know I need more sleepovers but scheduling has been a nightmare and we’re doing our best. At the beginning, she wasn’t comfortable with having him sleep over with just me - these things take time and I absolutely get it, and it sounds like that will be changing but as to the frequency I just don’t know yet where we’ll land. I’m hoping to figure out what’s fair to everyone for me to ask for. We all work hard at looking out for each other’s needs, as well as our own but i think I’ve been better at speaking my needs then they are just yet so I try to regulate and not be too demanding while still being honest about where I’m at.

5mo

The fact that you aren't allowed to have individual sleepovers is a pretty big red flag to me.

Have you looked into poly unicorn hunting? I think that would be beneficial for you.

5mo

I have and this isn’t that. Solo sleepovers are going to start becoming a thing, and I respect that this stuff has to move at everyone’s comfort level. It was always meant to be a short term boundary while they got comfortable with a massive change to their marriage. I definitely appreciate you looking out for me tho <3 trust, if it was a never thing I wouldn’t have accepted it. All relationships are a progression, and going from zero to everything is a red flag in its own way.

5mo

I don't think a sleepover with your partner is going from "zero to everything" but I wish you happiness.

Are you allowed to date other people or are the three of you in a closed relationship?

5mo

With all due respect, you seem to be gaslighting yourself into thinking they are “doing their best” when they are actually not treating you well at all. If they weren’t ready for individual sleepovers they had no business getting involved with you. It actually is legitimately terrible for them to get involved and offer you crumbs while they “get ready.” You should not accept this treatment and you should end the relationships unless it changes immediately

✨ Sparkle Princess ✨

5mo

4-5 hours is far short of a “decent chunk of time” in my world

5mo

Fair but my schedule has been just as limiting, if not more so than theirs.

✨ Sparkle Princess ✨

5mo

Availability isn’t something I feel comfortable assigning “blame” or “fault”.

It is what it is.

Fact is, all the things you want are probably available to you, (maybe not from this partner, or the other, and/or at this time) because these are normal relationship asks, given time and temperament.

My partner of 9 years has the keys to my house.

When he is in town, he often stays for days, or gets us a hotel for a few days, or we travel together for a few days.

My other partner also has keys to my house. It’s not unusual for him to already be at my house, horror movie picked out and cued up on the tv and dinner waiting on date night.

Overnights are a must for me. 🤷‍♀️

If they don’t happen, I keep it casual, and they usually fizzle out.

And when my time is limited, or theirs is? We make sure that one on one time comes first.

I don’t know how many of these asks your partners can accommodate, but honestly, there are other possible partners out there.

You don’t have to dump anyone, but if you are viewing this person as your only source of these things, your current feels seem pretty valid.

You should have those things.

5mo

I think everyone agrees these are reasonable asks, my partnerS included. This is a throuple, I am not only involved with him. They actually do currently have my spare key - last Saturday my theatre group put on 2 shows, then I had a long dinner with my family, and he came over late, cuddled with me till I fell asleep, and let himself out. You can’t say we aren’t making the best of what our schedules allow. We’ve only been together for a couple months which is always how long I like to wait before giving a new partner a key and carte blanche access to my home anyway.

As I said, more sleepovers are definitely on the agenda. What I was asking for was advice on how to push through this miserable month till everything loosens up after the holidays and suggestions for talking points tonight. Please don’t try to say we aren’t giving each other as much as any of us can.

✨ Sparkle Princess ✨

5mo

I mean, like I said, your feels are valid.

I also will reiterate that only answer I know is to make the asks, plan for the implementation of the asks, and keep your eye on when the things can happen, and hang on until then.

Brushing these needs to the side isn’t possible, so you use all the coping skills you need, and bring them to the table.

If you had time, which is doesn’t sound like you do, there would be a million things, short term you could do, but time, just in general feels short for you.

If I had time, I would:

Make sure I was not isolated. I would meet a friend after work, head home with them, spend the night watching movies and host casual, low impact platonic sleep overs with my close friends and chosen family.

I would make sure that I was well cared for: eating as well as I could, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep.

I would probably journal around relationships in general. Am I planting my seeds in fertile soil? What can my partners and I do, long term, to make sure droughts like this don’t happen in the future, at this severity. Maybe we all make less commitments, maybe we spend a long weekend together somewhere before the holiday season, maybe we make sure our partner is seeking help for their seasonal depression, (guilty as charged).

But for a lot of people during the holidays (me included) are stressful busy times with extra commitments, and not all of those commitments are optional in our late capitalist landscape.

My busy time of year was Oct. 15th to Jan 1 in my former career. It wasn’t optional because I like to live in a warm structure and eat food.

I want the same for my child and my pets.

But I did start saying “no” to events and invites that didn’t bring me joy, and I used that time wisely, to sleep.

Which made coping much easier. And when Jan 1 came, we all spent more time together.

Edit: even when I was in my triad, individual time reigned supreme. One on one connections took on more, not less import when we were busy, especially when one leg of the triad was less connected.

5mo

Thank you for this - it’s incredibly helpful. And validating because I’m already doing a lot of what you suggested in terms of self care - saying no to events this time of year is particularly healing and empowering, and I work hard to make time for my other friends. It sounds like my plan for our talk lines up with what you’re suggesting too. The timing of us getting together was a bit unfortunate because we all already had things on the schedule that kicked a hole in our ability to have those super long visits and more sleepovers. I really like your idea about a long weekend together before crunch time too - I think I’ll suggest one for January. Better late than never!

I’m grateful to hear that I AM right about making these asks. Depression lies and mine tells me constantly that I’m asking too much and in fact just AM too much. I know they want to give me everything which makes it scary to ask for fear of burning out the people who mean the most to me. I think we’re in for a loving and productive conversation tonight. And a delightful dinner at one of my favourite restaurants, AND a sleepover, and it feels good to know it’s fair to think of tonight as a template for how I want more of our time together to look once we get out from under this godsforsaken month. Tonight is the first time in a while that we’re able to do date night properly, so thank you for helping me see this clearly so I can bring my best to it.