hello. so i’m really uncomfortable and wanting to make sure i’m not overthinking this. anyways, i met a couple here on reddit about a week ago and they started courting me. they both took me out out to eat and drink on 2 separate occasions. anyways, last night (12/8), the guy wanted to come please me orally. i was almost down but i wasn’t for sure i wanted to because 1. i prefer to plan things out in advance and 2. i had to deeeep clean my apartment because i’m having a photoshoot at my place today, so i really wanted to focus on cleaning and not half-ass it or whatever. i took a 35 minute break to freshen up and grab food and he called once while i was in the shower. i obviously didn’t answer. as soon as i checked my phone, i see he’s texting me telling me he’s on the way even though i never fully agreed to having him over and the only reason he has my address is because i gave it to him at our date (obviously a big mistake) because we were going to get together that same night but things came up on their end. i’m truly uncomfortable with him just telling me he’s on his way without actually confirming it with me. i feel like he crossed boundaries and i don’t think i want to continue talking to them. however, i am open to insight and opinions. OH and it’s important to not that this kind of stuff (polyamory + being a unicorn) is very new to me. thank you.
Yeah that’s a control / power move on his part and is 100% Not OK. He’s acting like he owns you and you’re right to feel icky about this. Trust your gut, love. You deserve better.
thank you for your kind words. i realized this lifestyle isn’t for me. he made me way too uncomfortable. question, would it be weird if i texted them both and let them know that i’m no longer interested? or, do i just ghost? idk :/
Personally, I like to button things up with a Thanks but no thanks, lose my number message but with boundary stomping bullshit like this, do what you’re comfortable with. IMO when someone stops respecting boundaries they forfeit the right to any kind of courtesy and it comes down to what will leave you feeling the most OK about how you handled it.
i’m saying this:
good morning.
i’m messaging you both at the same time because i feel it’s best that you both hear this from me.
jake - last night, i felt very violated by you in a way. we had never agreed on a set time, so for you to text me that you’re on your way to my place made me extremely uncomfortable. in fact, i stayed up a lot of last night just thinking about that. it seemed invasive, aggressive, and really selfish on your end. i understand you “wanted to spend time with me” but that was NOT the way to go about it. i felt a little forced, in all honesty.
to be honest, driving to my house without definite confirmation of time shows a lack of judgement when horny AND also a lack of impulse control. neither of those are traits i am comfortable having in my life.
i’ve picked up on a few little red flags and this one was just way too much for me to overlook. that said, please delete my number and my address, as i no longer want to pursue this in any way whatsoever.
—— thoughts?????
You’re giving him too much information to try and defend himself with.
“I’m not interested in this going any further. Please don’t contact me again”
I think this is a great text and I think it's important to give feedback on her reasons for calling it off so that they (Jake especially) can reflect and improve in the future.
Nope. Don't tell unethical people they are being unethical when disengaging. They will just hone future manipulation. Just set a boundary and leave.
Add https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ to the above text if explanation is needed about why unicorn hunting itself is unethical.
Boundary pushers like him don’t want reflection for betterment.
If they’d known each other for a while and had developed layers of intimacy, maybe, but no, he’ll likely use her emotional vulnerability to either try and manipulate her more or to manipulate someone else in the future.
Some of his traits sound pretty consistent with NPD. You gray rock people like this and then block them forever.
WAY too much info- you can just say to both of them:
Folks- I appreciated meeting you both, but this situation ship is not for me. Take care, please do not contact me again.
AND BLOCK. Ghosting is fine- it's been 2 dates, you were not in a relationship that earned closure, etc. And in fact their behavior is gross and boundary crossing enough that even if you had been together years, ghosting would be fine. Ghosting keeps us safe, physically and emotionally.
Looks good! I really like your use of the words “invasive and aggressive” There’s a power in naming the shitty thing someone did. Not for their benefit, but for your own. Now block these asshats so you don’t even feel tempted to indulge the bullshit defence they may or may not come up with and move on with your own bad self and awesome life 🤘
Y'all are assuming that these asshats will respect her boundary? It's a great clear text- but it provides all kinds of places to ignore her NO. Which they have already done.
No is a complete sentence- and frankly, if you ever learn about aggressive sales tactics, the ONLY response that they can't twist into manipulation to try for a yes.
But OOP should do what they are comfortable with. I am cynical and have had my good nature abused enough that I tend toward the easiest for me emotionally and physical safety wise.
Good for you for listening to your instincts and being so clear with them!!
Perfect. Can't write something better.
This isn’t part of ‘the lifestyle’, this is full on abuse of boundaries and isn’t acceptable in any type of relationship, poly or not. Personally I’d let them know he’s crossed a red line and you’re no longer interested, but if you’re not comfortable with doing that, just block and move on.
i sent them a long text explaining why i’m no longer interested
Please don't ghost. I know it's so easy to do. But I beg as someone that was ghosted recently for the first time. It hurts so much.
They had like 2 dates. They were not in a full blown relationship. Op barely knew these people.
The man in the relationship was outright creepy to come to her place without having prior consent. You do not reward creepy violating behavior by insisting that the person who was possibly victimized give respect and decency to the person who exhibited controlling and aggressive behavior towards them.
i texted them