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Happy cake day!
Woah, I don’t use Reddit that much but today is my Reddit birthday?
Yup!!
Sweet! Well, thank you and hope have a great weekend!
You’re welcome, and thank you! You have a great weekend too
Yeah my dad and mom unfortunately are like this. So I get your pain. I really hope life just gets better for you. Pain from the people that were supposed to take care of you is the worst kind of pain. Please don’t give up. You got this
I hope you're in a good place. Caretakers being the cause of your pain really messes you up
That's karma, don't reply to him, just block him like he did for you.
Or write out a big angry cathartic response and DON'T SEND IT. Burn it or shred it, get all those feelings out and sorted. He doesn't ever need to hear from you though.
My father did sort of the same when he was diagnosed with liver cancer (he'd been an alcoholic my entire life) and then suddenly wanted to make amends on the condition of me "letting bygones be bygones".
Yeah. No. He died a couple of years ago (don't know exactly when) and I have no clue about where he's been buried either. 👌👌
Once I heard of his passing a giant weight fell off my shoulder. I hope the death of your bio father will do the same.
I know it will lift a heavy weight. I always thought it would be easier if he was just dead, as I wouldn't have spent my life wondering why he wasn't there. I hope you're doing well
Now that I know that he's not stalking my social media (or can show up unannounced), I'm way better than when he was still alive.
You'll be ok, and better than ok once you don't have that immense weight holding you down. :)
Your father is one bully you can ignore. Take the letter and burn it. Make a ceremony out of it if you want. That is one POS you can keep out of your life. Your mom pursuing and contacting him is between her and him. You no longer need any contact with him since you are an adult. Therefore, your mom does not need to provide him any personal information about you. He doesn’t get the privilege to know you or about you. The best thing you can do for yourself is work and go to school. You must learn to depend on yourself. It is very freeing and it will make you a stronger and better person when you are older. You don’t see it now but you will. It takes time. You do have tomorrow and every tomorrow after that to look forward to.
Write a response to that letter and burn it as well.
I will go with you to spit on your father's grave and you can come with me when I piss on my father's grave. Then we'll go out and have a big F U party.
Sound good?
I'm down, I'll bring the drinks 🍸
Alrighty! Gonna be one helluva party!
It sounds like he can't find anyone to take care of him and now he remembers he has a child who he neglected and expects she will forgive him and take him to his appointments and become his caregiver 😂 I hope he has fun suffering,
Don't spend rage or anger on him. Save your energy for people you care about, and who care about you.
Your mother sounds like she has been fighting for you every step of the way. Treasure this. You have at least one person on your side, and who has your back.
If it would help you gain some sort of closure to meet with this man then do so. But it sounds like your life is better without him being part of it. Don't reply. Treat him as a nothing in your life. Not worth the mental space.
Hug your mother, and know that the world is a better place because you are in it. Glad you are still here. Stay.
It's ok you feel this way, it's so much better than if you were still craving his love. If it helps you to heal, then I think you SHOULD totally spit on his grave! And maybe write him back and give him a piece of your mind would be really cathartic for you.
I'm sorry for what he did to you...what a lowlife. I hope you on and have a great life; that's the best F.U. you can give him!
Hugs!!
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. They both remarried within a year of each other. My dad was mad he had to pay child support and ended up taking it out on me and my sister. My grades suffered and I was at risk of not graduating HS on time. Which my dad didn't like and he constantly would let me know that and how I was a disappointment. I managed to bust my ass and graduate on time. We were low contact at that point but I saw him at a gas station pumping gas so I went over and invited him to my graduation, letting him know I really wanted him to be there. He told me he'd be there but then he ghosted me day of. I tried calling him after I got home from graduation but he refused to talk to me.
A couple years later, I ran into a coworker of his that was doing work on a house that my company was also working on. Didn't even know if my dad was still employed there but ended up asking the worker if he knew a guy with my dad's name. He lit up and went on and on about how great of a guy my dad was but then got confused when I told him that he was my dad and that I got a new number and hadn't had a chance to give it to him yet and asked if he'd pass it along. He was confused because he had no idea my dad had a son. But he agreed and seemed eager to pass it along. I never heard a peep from my dad and I decided that I was done trying.
I didn't see or speak to him for around 13 years until my grandma died. Me and my sister went to her funeral and of course he was there. It was awkward but he just looked so old and frail, whatever anger I had just left and was replaced with pity. There was a family lunch at a buffet after the funeral and we agreed to go. He lasted maybe 10-15 minutes once there and then said he couldn't stay any longer and had to leave. Against my better judgement, I followed him outside and tried one last time to have some kind of relationship by giving him my contact information.
It's not quite been a decade since then and I haven't seen or spoken to him once. About 2 1/2 years ago, my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. I know he was told about it but he never once tried to reach out to me.
This past week, his wife died and the funeral was a couple days ago. I'm not expecting to ever hear from him again but if I do, I expect it to be a similar situation to OP's where he's realized his time is short and he fucked up and is looking to clear his conscience before he dies.
I hope he doesn't try to contact me now because these past few years have been really bad and I'm at the lowest point I've ever been at. I don't know how I'd react and with my current state of mind, that's not a good thing. I don't think I'd attack him but I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue much either and if he ended up killing himself over what I said....I don't want to see how that would send me spiraling further. And the scary thing is what if he did kill himself because of me and if it didn't bother me at all? What would that say about me and how broken I am?
Sorry, I just started typing and didn't mean to go this long. I guess I needed to get it out.
Sorry your dad was a dud. That’s on him. You sound like a very nice man that he would be privileged to know. He doesn’t deserve you to bite your tongue if you ever do see him.
Wow. ❤ all the best
Have a similar biological father, fuck that guy, just sue him for unpaid child support and go no-contact. He's not a father, he's a sperm donor with legal obligations.
I feel this to my core. I'm truly sorry you have to deal with this kind of crap.
Similar situation with my father, had to go no contact, and from what I'm told it really threw him for a loop - he apparently doesn't comprehend or believe that I actually went through with it. Though only about 35 minutes away from him, he's just another face in the crowd of humanity - we haven't seen or spoken to one another for two years.
He publicly called my one of my kids a whigger on Facebook and used several other racial and other slurs against my other kids. When I stood up for them, he took to referring to himself in the third person as Mr. Last Name, putting his malignant narcissism on full display. The final straw was threatening to shoot and kill me for having an argument and daring to disagree with him.
He'll tell anyone who asks that I'm the bad guy for not being there for my mom before she passed away and that I'm somehow ashamed or regretful about it, but I'm not. To see her, I had to go through him, and that was something I could not and would not do. It was a harsh but necessary sacrifice.
I don't waste time or energy hating him. I got the best revenge you can take on a narcissist - I simply "nothinged" him and don't give him any audience at all to perform in front of...I have a gorgeous wife, wonderful grown kids, and since letting go of him for good I've been a much calmer and peaceful person.
Best of luck and may you find peace and happiness in your situation.
Good for you.
You should respond with how you feel, and he can think about that as he's dying.
Give your mom the return address to serve him for unpaid support, if that's a thing in your country
He declared himself super poor (insolvente is the word in spanish), so we can't ask for money because, legally, he has nothing. So laws won't help me. This is Spain :/
Omg, same thing happened to me too. My dad basically declared to be unemployed, when in fact he was working illegally (in Italy we call it "lavorare in nero" = "trabajar en negro"). How low can a person go to prevent any father duties to child support?
I'm sorry this happened. It's absolute shit.
I just want you to know that his ghosting and overall assholishness as a parent is not a reflection of who you are as a person. It's a reflection of who HE is as a person - someone who clearly needs to do LOT of internal work because he sounds like he's in perpetual "victim" mode and doesn't know the first thing about taking responsibility for his actions. That's a reflection of him, not you.
I know it doesn't make it suck any less or erase history, but I hope it helps in some way. <3
I remember a response to a post where someone was asking for forgiveness for years of being a horrible person.
The suggested response was along the lines of if they wanted forgiveness they could/should go find a priest.
In your case if you respond at all you could note you couldn’t possibly forgive someone you don’t even know after 11 years of no contact.
Live your best life OP and let this man who was your father deal with whatever his life has brought him.
I completely understand. I reached out to my mother on TikTok after finding her page and told her i didn’t need anything from her but and i wanted to tell her about my daughters and how i almost died with my youngest who is named after her. And i wish for my girls to know her if she’s open to it. She read it then a few dats later blocked me. Sometimes you just gotta live your life knowing that you tried and you don’t have to try now that someone is dying. I’m sending you hugs and well wishes.
All the hate you are directing to him is a poison you are drinking. He doesn’t deserve it, but for your own sake try and forgive him. The forgiveness is not for him or that he deserves it, but if a gift you give yourself so you can move on.
The best revenge to him will be a happy life and indifference to him.
Dile que hay un lugar especial en el infierno para los malos padres!!! Que se vaya a la mierda!!!
Hello stranger,
I can relate to the estrangement and pain that it brings. My dad left when I was around 10 or so and as an adult my mom has stopped talking completely. My father was very apologetic when he tried to reunite with me and we are fine now.
I never tried to contact him before he contacted me. I HAVE tried to contact my mother, much like you tried to contact your father. I do not know that I can offer forgiveness if she seeks me out at this point.
These people made these decisions as grown adults. They may have had trauma or difficult situations to overcome...but if they are coming at a place of "woe is me" instead of first acknowledging what they've done to me...it's just excuses.
It's unfortunate that sometimes the people who should be the most important will treat you the worst... I hope you are able to move forward with your life and find joy on a daily basis.
You don't and never will owe that piece of garbage anything. Your feelings are deeply valid. There's so many other people who actually love you and are worth your time and love. YOU are worth your love. Treat yourself, reward yourself for getting through reading that guilt trip trash you had to sign for. You're worth the time, effort, energy and ALWAYS will be
In the same boat. Both parents are terrible people individually. Stay strong. You're better than your roots. You don't owe him anything. It's his fault the relationship is bad - let him stew in the misgiving.
You and me dude. When my dad dies ima pop a bottle
Que le den! Bien por ti por desahogarte aquí, pero no pierdas tiempo pensando en él. Es energía malgastada. Espero que te vaya bien.
Gamemaker make valid points and I will add more. Another point is why hang to the "hot coal" of anger? All this will do is stress your body. Forgiveness is not just saying I forgive or you forgive, but is letting go of the negative emotions that are being held. Seriously, learn to laugh at life.
People misunderstand forgiveness, it isn't saying what the person did was okay. It's mostly about letting go of the anger that makes you want to see someone suffer. It doesn't mean you like them or that you will go see him. It's something you do for yourself and your own well-being so you can leave it behind and go on with your life.
Anger is a negative emotion. David Hawkins book "Letting Go" is a good book about this.
I don't understand why people want to hang onto that "hot coal" of negativity that causes stress on the body. Further studies have shown stress to cause various diseases.
Yeah why am I getting negative 57 downvotes lol! Everyone has bad fathers…
That's Reddit. A lot of unforgiving and negative accounts. Bots?
I doubt it. I was worried that was going to be the post people hated before I posted it. Besides, how would the bots know what to down? (I’m a programmer) Still think it’s the best, fastest way. You don’t have to have a relationship, but holding onto hate isn’t going to help. It’s possible he could truly be sorry now.
lol I wish you could see the ups and downs separately. It’s fluctuating, yours too, you were at +4, now 0 haha
I went through much much worse than you. Father eventually got cancer and I looked after him for 3 months before he died. I went from tolerating him for my mother’s sake to totally letting go of all the anger I had for decades. From the time he got sick until he died I let all go and to be honest, I’m glad I could do what I could to help. On the day he died, he cupped my cheek and said to me “I’m sorry” After his death I realised that all of the anger I had for so long was hurting me and not him and I realised I am at peace. I only wish that I had realised this sooner. What a waste of so many years of bitterness.
I’m sorry your father wasn’t there for you. Everyone deserves a father. Being mad at him and holding a grudge forever isn’t good either, he still has the power. Try to forgive him if you can eventually, it will make you feel better. People can change, it’s possible you could have a father in the future if you want one.
You absolutely don't need to forgive someone to feel at peace. I wish him to forget him, instead. It will happen, slowly.
Forgiveness isn't about the person who hurt you. It's about trying to let the hate go before it consumes you. Hate is a rot that will slowly but surely eat you alive.
OP's dad isn't worth hate. He's worth nothing So give him nothing. Grey rock. Indifference.
Forgiveness is absolutely about the person who hurt you.
What you're talking about just next is just what OP's need : indifference, leaving him behind, yup which isn't forgiveness at all.
forgive him? really? he deserves nothing
You’re right, he doesn’t deserve it. But doesn’t she deserve a father now, someone to walk her down the aisle? Does she deserve to be angry forever?
she deserves good people that love her. not this..... "man"
Is it impossible for him to love her now?
I truly hope it is possible. But after all this... I'm sure it isn't. He didn't even ask about my well-being. Luckily, I have a mother worth her weight in gold. I hope one day, she walks me down the aisle
and i hope you will be happy, with your mother and all the people who really love you
Yeah that’s probably a red flag if he didn’t ask about you. Do you have anything to lose by writing him back? Could you hate him anymore? Send him all the stuff you wrote here and see if he says he’s sorry or asks for money…
it is impossible for him to do it now with a sincere feeling. he does this now because he needs. selfish... again...
Been there and done that. I realised once my dad got sick that all the resentment and anger I had in the past was doing me harm. Once I let all that go it was so liberating and I finally found peace.
That’s awesome! Do you have a relationship with him now?
Unfortunately he passed away 3 months after being diagnosed with cancer. He said to my mom often that he would never have believed I would be there for me when he needed the help. He sang my praises to his family overseas as well. Even though prior to that I only had a relationship with him because of my Mom. He was a good grandfather though. He loved my children and helped out a lot with their needs. He relied on me a lot during his illness. If I had harboured hate I doubt I would be so at peace now. That’s my story and I know all other in same situation might not be so lucky. I could tell you some horrific stories, but only 2 friends and 2 family members know the whole story. He could be so good and then so awful. Most probably had his own demons. I chose not to hate anymore. It changes who you are as a person and letting go is so liberating.
Aww that’s so terrible. Glad you got some closure and it sounds like you were able to move on!
Send him a letter back telling him u need funds to travel to see him, then take the money n go on vacation
Live a good, happy and godly life. Forgive him. Send him a certified letter and LITERALLY forgive him. Then wish him well and go NO CONTACT. God will bless your life and heal your pain but more importantly it puts the issue to rest- for you. His forgiveness from God for having lived his life the way he did and done the things he's done is between him and God. I wish you true peace❤️🙏👍
I mean you could always show up at the hospital and drop the "just wanted to make sure you die" bomb on him
Sound’s like your dad is trying to, “Grease his way” through the Gates. (Pearly Gates)
The same exact thing happened to me. Exactly the same. Crecí sin padre.
I forgive him for everything: for leaving me and my siblings and mother, for neglecting his children, for not paying for my university fees and living costs, for not caring about whether I'm alive or dead. I forgive him, truly. But I will never allow him back into my life. Punto.
If I were you I'd want him to know I got the letter by sending him back one that just says "okay"
What a spoiled brat. Very entitled.
You know what the best revenge is? Accomplish the opposite of what he expects and live a happy life. Live your best life and leave him in the past. Move forward with positivity and the knowledge that there’s one less drain in your life.
Be happy knowing what you’ve already accomplished you did yourself and you didn’t need him.