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Husband admitted he's been withholding his real feelings in arguments and placating me for years
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Both of them are using abusive communication tactics, honestly. He's stonewalling, which is considered to be just as ineffective and harmful in communication as yelling. I feel bad that folks have turned this into being entirely op's fault. Hopefully, they can both get some help working on their mutual communication. Lying about how you really feel for seven years is unacceptable even if your partner is difficult to talk to. Write a letter. Do something to try to communicate so that things can be worked on. I like the comment above that acknowledges the communication challenges both people have and establishing rules of engagement.
Stonewalling done with the intention of ending the conversation on your terms is abusive. Stonewalling as an organic response to being flooded from being yelled at is unhealthy, but it’s not abusive.
That's fair. Unhealthy but not abusive. You could say the same about the yeller, though, right? They are also flooded with emotion and manifesting that emotion in an unhealthy and ineffective way.
I grew up in a family where conflict went straight to yelling, physical aggression, intense silent treatment after, and then rug sweeping. My husband describes his parents as having never raised their voices, never arguing at all, but never showing any kind of affection (they slept in separate beds, didn't hug or kiss, etc.). He swears his parents never had disagreement, but that's obviously not accurate (as a newcomer to the family, I could feel the deep resentment his mother had for his father). Anyhow, my husband and I both need to work on how we manage ourselves when conflict arises. I don't get physically aggressive at all, but my voice and intensity notches up the more frustrated I get. And his stonewalling really gets me, honestly. It's a push/pull dynamic. I hope we can get better. 🤞
I would not say the same about the yeller, no.
Why?
Stonewalling isn’t threatening. Yelling is.
Stonewalling is passive aggression. The other person can feel the threatening "backed into a corner" vibe.
OPs husband wasn't stonewalling though - he wasn't refusing to talk. On the contrary - it sounds like he was engaging, but not being honest about his own feelings.
Stonewalling is an attempt to manipulate the other person into conceding defeat through silence or frustration. It is a tactic to "win" an argument, at least in their eyes. That is passive-aggression.
Shallow engagement (gray rocking) or "telling OP what she wants to hear" in order to avoid conflict isn't passive aggressive, and it isn't threatening. If you feel "backed into a corner" by that, it's not because of how the other person is behaving; it's because you can't handle not being in control and on top.
“Backed into a corner” by…nothing? You said it yourself, it’s passive aggression. PASSIVE. Not active aggression. I’m not saying it’s good. But it’s definitely not threatening the way yelling is threatening.
What you are not getting is that passive aggression is obvious to the other person. They still feel the angry vibes.
That’s not the same as being actively threatened. It’s not inherently abusive to convey to another person that you are angry with them. The method of conveyance is very relevant!
Using the silent treatment is either due to manipulation, which means you have unhealthy communication skills, or doesn’t involve manipulation, which means you have unhealthy communication skills.
These comments are really harsh against OP, because it takes two for things to land where they have.
It’s also important to note that whether manipulation is involved or not, the person on the receiving end will still be impacted the same. This is all a cycle, with one triggering the other; round and round.
The silent treatment can literally make you feel like you are going insane, especially when there is repeated, ‘I don’t know what you mean?!? Everything is fine!’ It’s no surprise someone would react, and pretending like that’s unreasonable is ludicrous!