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Husband admitted he's been withholding his real feelings in arguments and placating me for years
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I was in a similar boat as your husband...for years and years. (decades, really)
My wife came from the type of family that would scream, yell, throw things, etc. My family almost never raised our voices. My parents would go outside when they argued.
Neither of which are necessarily healthy.
Some of our arguments early in our marriage set a tone that she was clearly better at winning them than I was. She was no-holds-barred and I felt like I needed to comply if I wanted a chance at keeping the peace.
On top of that, I was always afraid (irrationally) that if I set my wife off that it would just lead to her resentment and eventually she would leave me. That the argument would be the beginning of the end... so, if I could just stuff it all down then we could stay together. (crazy, i know)
So, I just really had no idea how to argue with my wife. My anxiety would skyrocket the moment I thought she was angry. Plus, my wife can get cold when she's mad or hurt. It scares the shit out of me. I just can't turn off my emotions like she can. Which compounds my anxiety and fear that she'll leave. In general, if an argument started I would shutdown and usually run off. "I'm going to the store. I need time to think and cool off." I was always so afraid I'd say something that would be irreparable.
On the flip side, my wife thought all these years I didn't care. She thought that I didn't think our marriage was worth fighting for.
About 18 months ago... we had a huge fight and a bunch of things came pouring out from both of us. One of the things we did (when we were calm) is come up with some rules of engagement. We calmly sought to understand the other persons perspective and reasoning for how we "fought." The big things were: - We assured each other we don't want a divorce - Unless the argument is about something divorce-worthy (like cheating) then we don't need to worry about our marriage ending - we just need to work through the issue - She won't yell and scream, etc - I won't run away - We'll both have the opportunity to (safely) express how we feel - We'll work to resolve the issue ASAP so it doesn't fester
We have gotten much, much better at arguing and resolving conflict. We've had more "arguments" these past 18 months than the previous 26 years, combined. We learned to just try to nip things in the bud and deal with them than let it fester.
My wife got very explicit in our arguments since then. "Is there anything else you'd like to say? Are you sure?" "Are you satisfied with this resolution?" "Have I been fair and understanding in hearing you?"
It's been tough. But we're both much happier, now.
I hope that helps. I hope you two can work it out.
This is helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to share. You and your spouse sound extremely similar to us. I like the idea of setting hard rules for engagement, although I imagine it's so hard to stick to in the heat of the moment. Especially "I will not yell". It's encouraging to me that you've been able to have some success. Gives me some hope
You do not have the right to yell.
Both of them are using abusive communication tactics, honestly. He's stonewalling, which is considered to be just as ineffective and harmful in communication as yelling. I feel bad that folks have turned this into being entirely op's fault. Hopefully, they can both get some help working on their mutual communication. Lying about how you really feel for seven years is unacceptable even if your partner is difficult to talk to. Write a letter. Do something to try to communicate so that things can be worked on. I like the comment above that acknowledges the communication challenges both people have and establishing rules of engagement.
Stonewalling done with the intention of ending the conversation on your terms is abusive. Stonewalling as an organic response to being flooded from being yelled at is unhealthy, but it’s not abusive.
Agreed. It’s not abusive, it’s the fight, flight, freeze response. He does need to work on a healthier solution, but I doubt that could be possible unless there is room for him to do so.
That's fair. Unhealthy but not abusive. You could say the same about the yeller, though, right? They are also flooded with emotion and manifesting that emotion in an unhealthy and ineffective way.
I grew up in a family where conflict went straight to yelling, physical aggression, intense silent treatment after, and then rug sweeping. My husband describes his parents as having never raised their voices, never arguing at all, but never showing any kind of affection (they slept in separate beds, didn't hug or kiss, etc.). He swears his parents never had disagreement, but that's obviously not accurate (as a newcomer to the family, I could feel the deep resentment his mother had for his father). Anyhow, my husband and I both need to work on how we manage ourselves when conflict arises. I don't get physically aggressive at all, but my voice and intensity notches up the more frustrated I get. And his stonewalling really gets me, honestly. It's a push/pull dynamic. I hope we can get better. 🤞
I would not say the same about the yeller, no.
Why?
Stonewalling isn’t threatening. Yelling is.
Stonewalling is passive aggression. The other person can feel the threatening "backed into a corner" vibe.
OPs husband wasn't stonewalling though - he wasn't refusing to talk. On the contrary - it sounds like he was engaging, but not being honest about his own feelings.
Stonewalling is an attempt to manipulate the other person into conceding defeat through silence or frustration. It is a tactic to "win" an argument, at least in their eyes. That is passive-aggression.
Shallow engagement (gray rocking) or "telling OP what she wants to hear" in order to avoid conflict isn't passive aggressive, and it isn't threatening. If you feel "backed into a corner" by that, it's not because of how the other person is behaving; it's because you can't handle not being in control and on top.
“Backed into a corner” by…nothing? You said it yourself, it’s passive aggression. PASSIVE. Not active aggression. I’m not saying it’s good. But it’s definitely not threatening the way yelling is threatening.
What you are not getting is that passive aggression is obvious to the other person. They still feel the angry vibes.
Using the silent treatment is either due to manipulation, which means you have unhealthy communication skills, or doesn’t involve manipulation, which means you have unhealthy communication skills.
These comments are really harsh against OP, because it takes two for things to land where they have.
It’s also important to note that whether manipulation is involved or not, the person on the receiving end will still be impacted the same. This is all a cycle, with one triggering the other; round and round.
The silent treatment can literally make you feel like you are going insane, especially when there is repeated, ‘I don’t know what you mean?!? Everything is fine!’ It’s no surprise someone would react, and pretending like that’s unreasonable is ludicrous!
Yelling is verbal aggression and abusive. Withdrawal (as opposed to stonewalling. which is a manipulation tactic) is a coping strategy.
Doing anything to avoid being yelled at by your partner is completely acceptable.
Doesn’t sound like anyone can share their true feelings with OP without a debate or being told how you’re wrong.
What about doing anything to avoid being shut down, rejected, and lied to by your partner? What choice does she have at that point other than stuffing her feelings down and faking it (as her husband did)? At least she's acknowledging her own ineffective ways of dealing with conflict and actually trying to work on it. Her husband just buried his head in the sand and let shit fall apart while he lied continuously. What work did he do for his marriage?
She only acknowledged it (kinda, in a round about way but not really) when he was honest with her.
She also argues why every single suggestion isnt a good one.
He was trying to keep the peace.
You don’t have to share every single emotion and thought you have, even with your partner.
I've not argued why every suggestion is not a good one. Not in the slightest. There have been many helpful comments of which I have expressed gratitude.
But also wrapping that up with why it doesn’t work/that’s not what you do/you can’t do that/you’ve tried that or something else.
Or why its not you arguing. Lol
I’ve yet to see you say, “you’re right. Thank you.”
You don’t have to use a lot of words all the time.
I’m just saying, from this small slice that you yourself have shared, I don’t think you are an easy person to communicate with, especially if you have a differing thought or opinion.
I will admit, I could be absolutely wrong. Buts it’s all I have to go on.
Well you need to read the whole thread before claiming that because I've literally said "you're right" and "thank you" at least a half dozen times...
Ok.
Is this you just letting something incredibly irrelevant, go? Just let it drop?
OP does not describe her husband as stonewalling.