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Husband admitted he's been withholding his real feelings in arguments and placating me for years
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Damn the first part of your comment felt very personal and unnecessarily mean. A lot of incorrect assumptions. But I do appreciate you actually breaking down the mechanics of a healthy conflict conversation- What is and isn't acceptable, and how to react in ways that will be productive rather than harmful. It's not something I learned growing up or had modeled, so it's something I will need to actively figure out and practice.
OP please save and re-read the above comment, over-and-over-and-over until you can finally see your responsibility in where your marriage has landed. It IS a personal comment, but not mean. These are facts being laid based on what you posted and the context you laid out. You are not a victim here, you ARE the culprit.
Get counseling.... For YOU! and if he's willing, as a couple once you are able to take responsibility and make amends for your part.
I truly wish you all the best, your children are counting on you.
I hear what you are saying and I'm not even trying to say you are wrong, but damn, the way some of you feel qualified to make these confident, sweeping accusations based on a few paragraphs-long snippet of two whole ass lives is a bit much.
We’re going off what you described to us