Is it okay to ask someone if they’re trans?

Need Advice

I volunteer at a place and my manager (with whom I have developed a decent relationship) uses pronouns that I could not remember. So instead of asking what their pronouns were, I first asked if they were trans. I figured this would be a good introductory segue into asking their pronouns without coming off as unvaryingly forgetful.

However, at the time they kind of stayed silent and walked away. Later they texted me that it was not okay to ask people stuff like that. They also noted that it wasn’t okay for someone in my position to ask anyone that (I help manage a team of people as well), and that with someone else the conversation could have gone way worse. They punctuated by saying that while it’s fun to joke around, I need to learn boundaries because that’s dangerous.

How was what I did wrong? I’m genuinely asking so I can adjust for the future.

Edit: I feel the need to specify something to add to the context. This wasn’t my shouting in a crowd of random people in a country that doesn’t allow it, this was a private exchange between me, a openly trans person, and them, someone who others have referred to as trans before (I assumed because they were also open about it).

I also don’t get a lot of the language in the comments. I was trying to find out how what I did was wrong but a lot of people just said that it was very wrong and then insulted me for not already knowing why. I didn’t know. Please be forgiving about this stuff especially because I’m trying to get better about it.

Thanks to those of you who were kindly trying to explain. I put them in a position of outing themself to me or staying closeted on my terms, which is a dick move.

in lgbtby Cesh1001

1.5K

90%

7mo

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Guy_Gin_Smash

1.5K

Bi-kes on Trans-it

7mo

Outing yourself as trans is different than answering the question, "What were your pronouns, again?" Cis people can have varied pronouns ("he/they" and "she/they" are becoming more popular), and a lot of trans people see visually passing as their gender as a big milestone. (Some don't, but many do!) When you ask a trans person to out themselves, you're pushing them backwards in that regard, and making them undo their progress and hard work themselves.

It's also just not safe in a lot of places to be known to be trans. Saying, "Yes, I'm trans," can end up putting them in danger.

※Important but often goes without being said: It's okay if you forgot and needed to ask again. And also, it's okay to make mistakes and learn.

Rachel_Silver

7mo

Do you know why some folks prefer she/they or he/they? I just don't understand why someone would want a mix of gendered and non-gendered pronouns, at least not when the gender or lack there of is based on the part of speech the speaker is using.

EDIT: I just want to be clear that I asked the question out of genuine curiosity, and I did my best to phrase it respectfully. I'm concerned that some of the people upvoting it did so because they thought I was mocking people who use he/they or she/they.

I'm an ally, and I always have been. And that's not out of altruism; I'm still trying to figure out exactly what sort of specimen* I *am, but so far my working title is genderfluid. So I totally understand why the pronouns used for different people matter.

I'm too obsessed with "correct grammar" to ask people to use anything in particular for me. Most of the time, I present as male, so the he/him people are used to is fine. When I go all in on presenting as a woman, I like hearing people use she/her for me. But I haven't been able to do anything about my voice, so I don't get upset if people use male pronouns after hearing me speak.

RandomHuman77

222

7mo

Some people prefer they/them pronouns but don’t want to constantly correct people so they add the pronoun corresponding to their AGAB as a compromise.
Some nonbinary see their gender as “an excess of genders” rather than an absence of them (agender). So they are not bothered by using the pronouns corresponding to their AGAB, and might resonate with the use of multiple pronouns for themselves.

mountainking

108

7mo

I also like using He/They (like in an email signature, or Zoom name) in the professional world as a kinda queer bat signal so people can see that I'm a safe person and part of the community. I'm a Cis pan man (Maybe kinda Gender Queer? idk) but want to make sure my trans/queer siblings can be themselves around me.

RandomHuman77

7mo

Cool, I had sometimes wondered why some cis people use AGAB pronoun/they. I like the practice because I think it also helps normalize the use of they/them pronouns.

Meanwhile, I’d feel more comfortable with they/them but never say it because outing myself as nonbinary terrifies me. I filled out a form for a conference nametag and freaked out when it wouldn’t let me leave the pronoun section blank.

It’s silly because many people assume I’m queer based on my gender presentation, no one is gonna be surprised to see “she/they” as my pronouns in like a month.

xopher_425

Progress marches forward

7mo

I'm a gay, cis man, and I do the same thing for the same reason. I was talking to a lawyer that I really liked, a feeling confirmed when I saw her emails had 'she/her' as part of her signature - I assume for the same reason.

mountainking

7mo

I'm a little more skeptical of cis she/her he/him because some companies really push it as a DEI thing, but someone who has he/they or she/they is more clear to me who they are.

xopher_425

Progress marches forward

7mo

Well, that's a good point, and she works for herself, and I worked for a small, independent retail space (and do it in personal emails, too), so it wasn't a DEI thing. (And I think I'm okay even if it's done as part of a company's DEI policy.) She had started in law with civil rights and housing discrimination, so I knew it was who she was, and I hope people think the same of me. I want my trans sibs to feel comfortable being themselves around me.

I think it's something that should be normalized by cis persons, so that the ones who need to use it can feel comfortable doing so. I have a neighbor that I know is trans, but my partner is not sure of their pronouns. I haven't met them yet, but my plan is to mention I'm he/him, so they can let me know what to use without me having to ask. Saw this tip recommended on this subreddit, and then did it and was later told how much it was appreciated. We should be normalizing this.

funk-engine-3000

7mo

Assuming that a person using they/them pronouns is “a safe person” is kinda wierd to me. Neutral pronouns does not guarentee that you’re a good person. Sure, it signals you’re likely part of the community, but it says nothinh about you as a person.

mountainking

7mo

In context, it assumes you won't be hate crimed for being trans

funk-engine-3000

6mo

It assumes, sure. Ive met multiple cis he/they or she/they who have made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. If you think hatecrimes are the only thing trans people have to look out for you might need to broaden your horizon. It still does not assure you’re a safe person. Just how being lgbt+ does not automatically make someone a safe person. You’re not better for using he/they in your email signature.

I knew a transfem she/they person who would say the most fucked up things about me (trans man) like how sex with my girlfriend “didn’t count”, how “it’d be funny if a straight guy at my uni realized i was trans and then wanted to fuck me”. She then later physically abused and raped her girlfriend. I’m sure she puts she/they in her email signatures, and i really hope no one makes the mistake of assuming that makes her “safe”.

I’m not saying there’s something wrong with adding a they to your pronouns to signal to others that you’re queer, but i wouldn’t ever assume a person was safe/ less safe to be around based on their pronouns.