Should I ask for child support?

Around July of 2021, I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t in a serious relationship with the guy. We had only hung out a few times. When I told him, he tried to convince me to get an abortion, but that is something I was not willing to do. So we came to an agreement that I would raise the child and make all of the decisions and he wouldn’t be involved whatsoever. That was his choice. He had told me at the time that he didn’t have the money to be able to afford child support so I told him that he didn’t have to so long as he wasn’t involved. I felt as though it would be easier to basically have him vanish than to have a stressful relationship with him forever. So, 2 and a half years later, I’m raising my boy by myself. I do not make a lot of money. I’m also in a lot of debt from medical bills and general baby things. I live paycheck to paycheck. Come to find out, my son’s father is actually a research scientist with a PhD and working at Northwestern University. Part of me is furious because I feel like he could be helping out with child support, but the other part is wondering if I should just leave it alone. What are my options? What should I do? Please be nice.

UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who has commented and given their opinions. I have decided not to ask for child support. I spoke with him, and he’s an incredibly mean and hateful person and I don’t want my child to have any part of that. I didn’t mention this before, but I am in a relationship currently with a very wonderful man who cares for my son as his own. And while he’s not financially responsible for the child, the love he has for him is enough. That’s all I want for my child. We will get through this tough time.

in familyby orangecatvibes23

81%

bonzai113

absolutely put him on child support. he has an obligation to provide for his child. take him to court and get your son what is rightfully his.

NextDoorBrother

-35

Why? He requested for abortion.

DBgirl83

That's not how this works. Having sex means you can get someone pregnant. He has the right not to be a parent, but he doesn't have the right not to pay for the child.

Devi_Moonbeam

Because it's not fair to the child. It's all about the best interests of the child. It's not enough he wanted to abort. He shouldn't have had sex if he wasn't prepared to help support a child that might result. You play, you pay.

Your-Cousin-Larry

No. Just no.

He had no problem having sex with her. That comes with consequences.

Your attitude and response is why society is going down the shitter.

NextDoorBrother

-30

The sex was a mutual decision. The child is just a mistake and both parties should have a say in whether they want this child or not. The guy made it clear that he is not ready for the child so it's her fault that she decided to give birth to this child.

She is responsible for that child because she decided to give birth to it.

bonzai113

It’s sad really, that people like you still believe it’s all the woman’s fault. He bears equal responsibility and obligation.

Consistent_Ad8575

23h

No, he does not. As per their agreement.

Sad thing is when people make an agreement these days and then life takes a turn and they don't want to honor it.

The guy knew that a child would be bad for his life at that time and look, he's doing good.

She chose to keep the child, has debt and is living paycheck to paycheck.

Mabye she should have listened.

NextDoorBrother

-12

I m not saying that it's her fault that she got pregnant. I'm saying that it's her fault that she decided to give birth to the kid when the father was clearly against it.

Devi_Moonbeam

Well Skippy, that's just not how the law works even though you want it to.

WSMoonStone

He also apparently lied about his (in)ability to pay child support. He could, just didn't want to. Guess what, he doesn't get to choose when it comes to this.

Mindless-Cupcake-113

He had the choice to nearly eliminate the chance of an unwanted pregnancy but decided to go for the "eh that's not my problem" route instead. He doesn't get to actively make poor decisions and then walk away with no consequences. That's not how life works.

bonzai113

Not his choice to make.

NextDoorBrother

But why?

mermaiidbitch

Oof. Here’s hoping you never procreate. But if you do - EVEN if you WANT the mother to have an abortion, you are financially responsible for that child’s life. And how you can’t seem to grasp that concept is ridiculous.

meatball77

Child support is for the child. They deserve it.

If he wants visitation that's fine and would be good for your child.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

Here in Michigan, (I don't know about other states) child support and visitation are totally separate issues. If the father is safe for the child to be around, then he can get visitation. If he's not safe, you should definitely express that to your caseworker at Friend of the Court. Keep a close eye on anyone who takes care of your child. We've had some unpredictable things happen. Speak up right away.

172947fuebxy

I could be totally wrong and this may be something that varies state-to-state, but won’t filling for child support also establish his parental rights? That is, unless his name is already on the birth certificate.

I can’t offer an opinion, because I don’t know what that dynamic would look like for you, but I can offer advice from personal experience on the medical debt front-hospitals are required by law to offer income-based “charity care.” To apply, you contact the billing dept and tell them you’re having a hard time paying, and you’d like to apply for financial assistance. Sometimes they ask for a letter explaining your circumstances, but they always ask for you to list all debt+income to see what % of a discount you qualify for.

I also recommend calling 211 to apply for assistance in your area. No matter what you decide to do, these are all slow processes so the sooner you apply the better.

Good luck, you got this.

SalisburyWitch

Usually, they do DNA to be sure you have the right guy.

Psychological-Pea863

Assistance requires child support and no he doesn’t have custody rights in many states unless he’s married to the child’s mother…even if paternity is established

172947fuebxy

Huh? When I said “assistance” I was referring to the 211 resources like WIC or other food benefits that definitely do not require that OP file for child support. I offered that information because she will likely be waiting awhile for all of the steps involved (paperwork, court dates, etc.) with child support.

I mentioned the establishment of parental rights because as of right now, it sounds like OP didn’t put “sperm donor” on the birth certificate if she planned to raise the baby alone. If she filed for child support, she would have to prove paternity. Once she does that, and files for child support, sperm donor would have some legal ground to stand on if he wanted to be involved. Again, not something I have an opinion on either way, but definitely something to consider-especially since OP anticipated a stressful relationship from the get-go.

172947fuebxy

I also want to add that 211 might offer affordable or free legal help if you need it

SalisburyWitch

In some states, the non-custodial is responsible for paying back benefits. I’m in Delaware, was on assistance for 2 years to be in a program. I had minimal SNAP, WIC, and AFDC. The state arrested him for not showing up for court for their arrears. He thought it was for MY arrears and said he didn’t owe. Well, the bench warranted him. I didn’t find out until his mother called to cuss me out. I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. His arrears were over $10K and that’s just for THEIR arrears, didn’t include mine. They are STILL taking his tax returns.

Mindless-Cupcake-113

211 is a directory. They don't have any part in assistance outside of having a list of resources. WIC, SNAP, TNAF, etc will absolutely have you go after the child's other parent BEFORE providing assistance. They will ask for proof of an agreement or court order before even processing anything. Without that proof, they don't have the full picture of a person's financial situation.

orangecatvibes23

Actually, we do have WIC and he isn’t on the birth certificate. They said it wasn’t an issue

172947fuebxy

So glad you’ve been able to get some assistance. I know WIC doesn’t exactly make ends meet, but it’s definitely better than nothing!

I’m not sure if your state also offers the farmers market programs, but you can see which food benefits are offered locally by going to fns.usda.gov and filtering by state. My 211 representative was able to help me navigate all sorts of services like rent assistance, childcare assistance, food benefits and also food banks.

Also, totally off the wall suggestion- if you have a local Buy Nothing group, it might be worth it to post and ask for help (you can do this anonymously too). I have been amazed at how helpful my community can be, and hopefully yours is too!

I know you didn’t ask for all of this info, so I apologize if it’s unwanted or overwhelming, but I know how hard it is to raise a child on one income.

orangecatvibes23

I really appreciate it! Thank you so much!

172947fuebxy

My pleasure! 😊 you got thisss 💪

SalisburyWitch

It’s ok. You can still go after him for support. Check with your social worker because social services can help but they also have rules for those that get services, such as you have to turn over your child support to the state if you’re on benefits. I’m not sure about just WIC, but they can help. And they can also help you get that support.

My ex was unwilling to send support, worked for Atlantic Richfield whose HR told the State of Delaware attorney that they don’t recognize Delaware Child Support requests. The state attorney asked them if they were incorporated in Delaware, they answered yes. He asked if they wanted to keep it. We got child support the next week.

172947fuebxy

I’m confused, was there any point in my comment that I mentioned that 211 did more than offer resources? 🥴

Also, I’m speaking from personal experience. I personally utilized the resources offered by 211, and was unmarried while doing so. I was never required to obtain any court order, or file for child support, or prove paternity to utilize those benefits.

Benefits like WIC are based on household size and income. WIC is even available to pregnant people, and foster children. I’m not sure where you sourced your information, but it seems you’ve been misinformed.

pate10

If you so choose to break your original agreement and seek child support just be prepared for him to seek shared custody as well. If he’s got a good job as you make it sound at that point he might be willing to fight tooth and nail for shared parenting just to spite you for breaking the original agreement

EddAra

Isn't it a good thing for a child to have both parents in it's life? (If both are stable and competent). Doubt he would seek custody because of resentment, parenting is hard lol. Well some people are stupid and probably might do that but he would see quickly how hard being a parent is.

-PinkPower-

It is but if it’s something she isn’t ready for she should avoid seeking child support. A lot of parents in her situation wouldn’t want to be forced to give 50/50 custody to someone they do not know anymore.

pate10

Exactly!

No_Inspection_7176

People absolutely do seek custody out of resentment or trying to lower child support obligations. There’s also the possibility of once the father’s family members find out they may push for a relationship as well knowing they have a grandchild/nephew/etc out there.

My dad paid barely anything in child support because he mostly worked under the table and still tried to wiggle out of it by trying to take majority custody when he was obviously unfit and the judge saw right through him but still, he had every other weekend under the supervision of one of my grandparents and later his wife because all of those people loved me and wanted a relationship with me.

EddAra

It sucks, parents have such a strong rights to their children, even if they're awful. You were lucky to have supervised visitation, not everyone is that lucky. The thing is jerk or not, this man might decide one day that he wants to be in his sons life. Then they have been going threw hard times for nothing. When men like that meet women that like children or cant have kids he might decide that now would be a good time to get his son.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

To me, the worst things about visitation was how my ex spoke so bad about me to my son. He always complained about paying child support and told my son what a "B" he thought I was. It made my son lose respect for authority. Later on, my ex was the worst influence on my son - giving him his first cigarettes, marijuana, and alcohol - maybe other things. I didn't find out about that until later. I think they should deny those kind of dads visitation which can't be regained until they go to family counseling and learn how to behave like a responsible father.

EddAra

I never understood parents that do this to their children. It has been shown to be very damaging to the child. Unfortunately it's very hard to proof that they are doing so it takes a lot to change visitation and custody. The thing is, jerk or not, this man could decide to get a visitation anyway later.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

Thanks for your understanding. It was a struggle.

EddAra

I'm sorry you had to go through that. They think they are harming the other parent but the ones who are harmed the most are the children.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

I definitely agree with that. Thank you for saying so.

pate10

In my opinion I think having both parents in the child’s life is imperative. I was just outlining a possible scenario by seeking child support. Also agree with the parenting being hard part!

Zestycorgi1962

Not if one of the parents is not interested and resentful. I wouldn’t want to subject a child to someone who doesn’t want them around.

pate10

Completely understand that point as well. Again, another reason to be hesitant to go after child support.

Psychological-Pea863

Unmarried parents in most states the custody solely belongs to mom and he can seek visitation but not custody. He cannot claim she’s unfit when she’s done it all regardless of income while he hasn’t changed a single diaper

OutdoorsyFarmGal

In Michigan, the custody usually goes to the mother. As long as she takes good care of the child, they don't often take the child away. If anything, sometimes they give divorced couples joint custody. The father gets to see the child a lot more often and sometimes gets to take her or him for the summer. They don't like disrupting a child's schooling.

They also made my child's father pay half the medical bills and maintain medical insurance on him. My son had a snow sledding accident and had to be hospitalized once. Wow! Did that ever get expensive! But between my insurance, his insurance, and us both paying half of the deductibles, it became doable. I hope OP asks for help with the medical bills. You never know what might happen.

AlaskanIceCream

Go for it because it’s for the kid, but also, I would not expect that he’s loaded. Post doctoral Research scientists at universities are not paid a ton usually unless he’s leveled up to a more senior researcher. Researchers are paid somewhere between 40k-80k depending on where they are working and where they are in their career. Most researchers do it purely for the knowledge.

trees-and-almonds

Right? Like I know that dude isn’t making much

msmicro

Unless he is doing more than 50% of the parenting every day then get child support

tehdanerer

PhDs do not necessarily make lots of money, especially if they work in universities (unless they are professors.) Should your baby Daddy be responsible and pay child support? I would think so, at the very least it would help the baby out, which is his. Just be prepared for him to to not have any money, like he told you.

Grimsterr

Go for it, your child deserves it.

No_Football_9232

You should absolutely ask for child support. You should demand child support. If he was so worried about an unwanted pregnancy he would have worn a condom. It takes two people to make a baby.

orangecatvibes23

We did 🤦‍♀️we were just that lucky small percentage where it failed

No_Football_9232

Well it’s still his responsibility as well as yours.

Financial_Health4830

🍰

-11

Nope he cleared mentioned abortion

Psychological-Pea863

He mentioned it but didn’t offer to pay either and then said he can’t afford child support. He decided the minute he engaged in a sexual relationship with someone he wasn’t serious with

Financial_Health4830

🍰

-4

Niether was she serious for him. She wanted to keep the kid ,she did now why demand money when she clearly said she won't ask for it

mermaiidbitch

Because that is his responsibility. There is no defense of ”no take backs you said I didn’t have to pay and I didn’t wanna have a baby anyway!”

This is not an elementary school playground game - this is a human being’s life that he co-created. The moment that child was conceived was the moment it became the financial responsibility of both parties.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

Young women with a history of blood clots aren't allowed to take the pill or anything with that hormone in it. It's known to cause more blood clots. Plus, antibiotics are known to interfere with them as well. There are a number of ways that birth control can fail us. None of them are 100% effective.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

Thank you!

Careless-Horse9800

I agree with that, she coulda been on the pill or had him put a condom on, he straight up didn’t want it, I understand it’s his responsibility, dude sounds like a piece of shit. Peace over money any day

No_Football_9232

Apparently they did use a condom.

Careless-Horse9800

I mean that shows the guy didn’t want a kid in the first place then, then he literally said get an abortion, that’s his choice, her choice was to have the kids.

glantzinggurl

You need child support. It’s not a question of if you should ask for it, you have to have it and should be legally entitled to it.

Zestycorgi1962

And in my state, if a mom requires and qualifies for financial assistance, the state wants help in providing that assistance from an able bodied father. They will want his DNA.

Spiritual-Hand-3228

Always. Get. Child support. It doesn't matter. The details and background are of no consequence. That man had a hand in creating the life. He should have a hand in caring for it.

TheDevilsAdvokaat

Yes, you should ask.

(a) You need it

(b) The child needs it

This may mean you need to give him some access though.

orangecatvibes23

I’m just scared how that will work because he moved out of state.

TheDevilsAdvokaat

I don't think that will be your problem.. You're just living where you always did; if he wants access he will have to solve that problem himself.

I'm a single dad myself; just want to tell you really he should be paying. The child needs it.

Also, the dad seems like he might a bit too clever...is it possible he moved out of state specifically to try to avoid any entanglements?

orangecatvibes23

It is very possible, yes.

leadingdate

The decision to pursue child support can be complex and emotional, especially given your circumstances. Here are some legal and practical insights to consider:

Legal Right to Child Support: Regardless of your initial agreement, the legal system recognizes that both parents are responsible for the financial support of their child. This means you have the right to seek child support from your son's father, regardless of past agreements.
Child’s Best Interest: Courts typically prioritize the child’s best interests. If you are struggling financially and the father has the means to contribute, the court may view it as beneficial for the child to receive support.
Financial Situation of the Father: Given that the father is a research scientist with a PhD, it’s likely that he has a stable income and can afford to contribute to child support. The court can assess his financial status to determine an appropriate amount.
Process of Seeking Child Support: You can start by contacting your local child support enforcement agency. They can help you file a claim for child support. You might also consider consulting a family law attorney to guide you through the process and ensure your rights and your child’s needs are fully represented.
Retroactive Support: In some jurisdictions, you may be able to seek retroactive child support for the period since your child’s birth. This could provide significant financial relief given your current debt and expenses.
Impact on Relationship Dynamics: While pursuing child support can alter the relationship dynamics, it’s important to focus on what is best for your child. Ensuring that both parents contribute financially can provide a more stable and supportive environment for your son.
Documentation and Evidence: Gather any evidence of your current financial situation, medical bills, and communication with the father regarding his income and employment. This documentation can be crucial in court proceedings.
Emotional and Mental Considerations: It’s natural to feel conflicted. Seeking child support doesn’t negate the decision you made earlier; it reflects your current circumstances and your son’s needs. Consider speaking with a counselor or support group to navigate the emotional aspects of this decision.

Ultimately, the decision to pursue child support is yours, but remember that seeking financial support is about ensuring the well-being and future of your child. Taking action now could significantly improve both your and your son’s quality of life.

M3rcilyss

Yes.

Psychological-Pea863

Child support isn’t selfish or about parents. It’s about the child. He doesn’t have to be in the child’s life but he does need to support in part that child. It doesn’t matter he wanted you to abort the pregnancy. He should have considered the consequences before the pregnancy occurred. You’ve been the adult and sounds like he might be married and avoiding an uncomfortable conversation with his wife

VerbalThermodynamics

Yes. Use it for your child.

New_Communication184

Absolutely, you have a right to that. But don't be surprised if he later on wants contact with that child.
You could be bound to him for the next 18 years or more (contact-wise).
If you really don't want to be involved with him again, I would strongly advise against it.

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djsuki

It’s a very personal choice.

He may have moved on and is living life childless. And happy with that choice. However, once he has monthly checks to you, he’s going to be acutely aware of the nuances of you and your child’s life.

If you truly want him out of the picture to make coparenting easier, then collecting monthly bills will keep him in the loop much closer than you desire.

I would expect him to want contact with the child, and not just pay to sit on the sidelines. He’ll follow his money into your lives.

Think about if you want that before pursuing. There’s no turning it back off once you proceed.

Good luck.

OutdoorsyFarmGal

I went through something similar, so I understand how you feel. I remember working 60-72 hour weeks just to stay one step ahead of welfare. As a woman, I got paid a lot less than my male counterparts did. Looking back now, I realize that my kids needed me even more so when they were teenagers then when they were little.

As a child starts growing up, they start getting more expensive. Teens have more needs. Other kids at school have things that are popular, and of course your child is going to want it too. Later on, they need a vehicle for driver's training, and then you have to worry about college after that. Yep, you're going to need that child support for them. Save it up if you can for some of those bigger things when they're older.

Neither one of you planned this pregnancy. It's true, but he had a choice too. He could've played it safe and wore a rubber - no chemicals, surgeries, or shots required. Back in the 80s, they put all the blame on us women when it actually didn't all belong there. Then when we tried to work, they paid us considerably less and allowed us no room for advancement.

Do you live in America? Look up your local "Friend of the Court". They should be able to help you out. They'll set up an appointment and send him a letter. They'll probably charge him back child support. That might help you start saving up for those bigger things. I don't recall actually going to a courtroom. The caseworker just set it all up for me. She asked about my income and any information I had about the father. In this case, they'll probably take a DNA test. Both of you will have to fill out a questionnaire about your finances now and then. That's about it.

MrsButtercupp

I don’t know where you live or what the rules are there. But going for child support may also open up other doors that you may not be ready for? It may grant him access, shared custody, out of state visits etc.

I would think hard about what the other consequences could be from seeking child support and figure out which is the lesser of the two evils.

Also a PHD doesn’t necessarily mean he will make a lot of money, but every little will help a lot given your current situation.

What ever you decide, I hope things get a little easier for you.

Hang in there mumma, you got this!

Careless-Horse9800

Idk you seem at peace, he did say he didn’t want the kid, and you said you did, I agree with your body your choice, but he straight up didn’t want anything to do with you or the kid, he sounds like a piece of shit regardless, if it’s less stress on your life ghost his ass, shit will sort itself out

This_Strawberry_1064

I'm going to probably go against the grain on here and say no, he asked you to abort, you chose to keep him, you knew he didn't want a child, and that he couldn't afford a child either, you knew you'll have to do it alone, you accepted that. You chose to have the child, and it's not the fathers fault you live paycheck to paycheck and that you have medical bills and other debts. If he was flaunting his money or whatever in front of you, then that's a different story. If he wanted to be involved, then that's also a different story but he made it clear from the very beginning he didn't want too, like I stated you knew you would have to solely provide to this child with 0 financial help from him. Just my opinion though

Amalas77

Wait, what? He also knew he didn't want a child when he made one.

FaultSweaty9311

We really don’t know if birth control failed or wasn’t used.

FaultSweaty9311

I’m thinking this way too. He was very clear about not wanting children. It seems like OP wanted money after she found out his profession paid well for herself. I feel for everyone…mom needs money, child needs to be fed and dad wants nothing to do with them. None of them are wrong.

YogurtclosetOther921

I get it takes two to tango and make a baby. But you said so yourself in your reply here that he used protection, which means he really was avoiding and took precaution so you wouldn't get pregnant. Unfortunately for him, he was part of the (un)lucky ones of the small percentage of a cond*om not working. Honestly, I find it a little unfair you will disturb his life again after agreeing you will raise the child yourself alone and he wouldn't be involved whatsoever. He was upfront to you he didn't want anything to do with the child and even asked to have it aborted. Your body, your choice and you chose to proceed with the pregnancy. It was your choice to raise the kid despite knowing and agreeing the baby's father will not support you and despite fully knowing you're also living paycheck to paycheck. Also, just bcos he has a PHD and a professor at a university doesn't mean he's swimming in money. He told you he didn't have the money for child support. I don't know y'all ages are but I assume he has student loans to pay and other financial obligations. And what if he already has a family of his own now? Are you going to disrupt his life for your poor life choices? Again, you chose to proceed with the pregnancy and raise the child yourself, so live with your decisions. If you are not able to raise the child by yourself then maybe you should give the baby up for adoption instead. Also, knowing the baby's father never acknowledge responsibility for the child must mean he wasn't registered as the father on your baby's birth certificate right? Are you also gonna ask him for a paternity test as well?

Psychological-Pea863

The child. It’s about the child and what’s fair to them not some random agreement after sleeping with an acquaintance

YogurtclosetOther921

Nah. If she was truly thinking of the child's best interest then

She shouldn't have pushed thru with the pregnancy from the start
Give the child up for adoption after she delivered him/her
She can give up the child now for adoption

She's got 9 months to think this thru and think of what's actually best for the child.

She knew full well from the beginning the child's dad said he's doesn't want anything to do with the baby. She knew and agreed to it. She knew she didn't make a lot of money but still decided she wants to give birth and raise the child on her own, emphasis on HER OWN. Now that the going gets tough she's going back on her words and is now trying to possibly derail the life of somebody else bcos of her poor life decision.

From the beginning, OP has been selfish. Only thinking about herself. She doesn't want abortion. She wants to give birth and raise the child herself. She agreed to the arrangement at the beginning with the child's father bcos she doesn't want stressful relationship with him and thought it would be easier. Easier for who? Not the baby but for her. Now that she's finding it hard to provide for the baby herself so she's trying to get child support from the man who said he don't want to just so it would be again easier for her. I refuse to believe she doesn't know even an inkling of what it'll take to raise the baby on her own. It was already foolish of her to think she can raise the baby herself knowing she's living paycheck to paycheck. She made the bed, she should lie in it.

cardinal29

-1

Wow, you're so concerned about this guy, is he a relative or something?

But I noticed that you're not at all concerned that an innocent child has a safe place to live and food in his belly. That's gross.

Shame on you.

glantzinggurl

I was disappointed with this comment too - like, whose best interests does this person have? Obviously not the child. Let the generational curses continue!

YogurtclosetOther921

what generational curse are you talking about? Is it the selfish thought of a mom she thought she can raise the kid on her own and didn't give the baby the chance to live with a family who'll be able to better care for him properly? There were other ways if she did thought of the child's best interest. She knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to give birth and raise the kid on her own bcos the dad didn't want anything to do with him, with her meager income, against all better judgement. I refuse to believe no one adviced her otherwise. Now everybody will be calling the dad absentee and irresponsible all bcos the mom was 'responsible' enough to give birth to him. If she was poor or does not have enough to raise the kid properly, then the kid shouldn't have been in her care in the first place.

YogurtclosetOther921

If that was her concern too, then she shouldn't have pushed thru with the pregnancy or gave the baby up for the adoption knowing full well she's not making much money on her own to provide for a safe place to live and food in his belly herself.

And i do know the implications or what it's like living in a situation like this like the child bcos I was also that child. My mother and father were only casually dating, nothing serious. My mom said she was on birth control. She selfishly thought she could raise me herself despite advice and warning from her family and friends. My father also said he doesn't want anything to do with me then bcos he was still struggling financially as new uni grad. My mom was too prideful refusing to hear reason. It was my mistake I looked up my dad when i got older and foolishly thought it was ok to tell my mom. When she knew he was already married with kids and has a now stable income, she thought it was ok to disrupt their lives and ask for child support for a kid he hasn't even met in 16 years. My dad got divorced bcos of it, but I am thankful he, his ex wife and half siblings doesn't blame me, at least they never told me or made me feel that way. Although I am thankful my dad is a good man and we have a relationship even now when I've got a family of my own, it still bothers me to think my existence broke up a once happy family and my half siblings were in a broken home. To this day, I still didn't understand why mom did what she did. She said he owe it to her for raising me by herself. She demanded child support when she didn't even let him meet me until then. It's weird and it hurts to think about but I didn't chose to be born. My dad also at the time didn't want me. My mom was the one who decided on her own despite everybody telling her not to. So yeah, I know what I am talking about. I am a living example. I am lucky to have a good man as a father, but that kid might not be as lucky as me. What if that father would resent the kid? Do you know what it'll do to him mentally and emotionally having a parent blame you for ruining their life? Or have a parent hate your existence? I hated my life and struggled emotionally and mentally for years when I wasn't even resented or hated. I do hope for the well-being of the kid. I truly do. But rather than risk the child's future, OP should have given the baby a chance to live in another family where he'll be loved and well-taken cared off.

Stralecia

I understand that he didn’t want a kid but the only fool proof birth control is abstinence. You can have a condom and female birth control and still get pregnant. Get child support, your son deserves it.

ThisGenuinelyIrkedMe

you’re insane

orangecatvibes23

Cool story. Tell it to someone who cares.

ThisGenuinelyIrkedMe

You asked, I answered.

orangecatvibes23

I don’t believe I asked if I was insane. I believe I asked for options on what I should do.

ThisGenuinelyIrkedMe

Have my opinion on you. You don’t have to like it.

orangecatvibes23

Your opinion means nothing to me.

ThisGenuinelyIrkedMe

Means something if you chose to reply to me out of the other hundred comments.

orangecatvibes23

Most of them weren’t blatantly rude like yours and didn’t provide any context.

ThisGenuinelyIrkedMe

I commented the first thing that came to mind. Not my problem you don’t like it lmao

orangecatvibes23

Then maybe keep your mean unnecessary comments to yourself since they provide no value to the conversation! K bye!

Continue thread...

Zladedragon

That depends on if the integrity of your word is worth sacrificing because you're struggling. If you told him to disappear and he doesn't need to be involved you shouldn't go back on that because times are tough. You could have adopted out the child, you could have aborted, you could have had him pay child support up front. But 2 and a half years later wanting to make him pay up seems more like you being angry that he chose a life that you didn't.

At the the of the day you have a child to take care of. But you also told him he could choose to not be involved. So is better life circumstances worth going back on your word?

Euphoric_Ad_9821

It wouldn't even be better. Op doesn't realize that HE WILL HAVE A CLAIM TO CHILD CUSTODY if she puts him on support.

As a mom who is divorced from my child's dad I wish every damn day that I didn't have his father on the birth certificate and that my son's dad would just walk away already.

She will regret it if she does this and only gets $300/ month or even less. AND has to give her child to a stranger who wanted to ABORT the baby before it was even born.

Just leave him alone and get on the state programs till you can survive without them.

Euphoric_Ad_9821

Child support = he's on the birth certificate, you are no longer your son's only parent, you have to settle custody, he gets visitation, he can take your son out of state and country as long as custody says so.

He asked you to get an abortion. That was his BIG way of saying "I do not want to be a dad" you choose to be a mother.

Do NOT put him on support or bring him in your son's life.

Edit: y'all even used a condom. This was a "your body, your choice" moment and you CHOSE to keep the baby and to not put it for adoption. It's time to put on your big girl panties and survive or fake it till you make it. Leave the sperm donor alone and do it yourself to provide for your son, your child, your baby.

Patient-Display5248

First, ignore the men on here. They’re defending him like they know him.

Child support in most states is a constitutional right guaranteed by that state. This is because a 2 income household is supposed to stand to raise a child.

He chose to move states, knowing that the condom failed. He didn’t want the child. He should have had the sense to have an early vasectomy.

The issue here isn’t a morality clause or whether or not you should be “keeping your word to this dude” have you seen the inflation in the last 3 years!!!

Child support will help. Go get it mama

SalisburyWitch

You can still ask for support. This is to raise your child and he should be providing something. If you want to maintain him staying out, ask your lawyer to see if he’s willing to pay a lump sum instead of monthly support.

PhoneTree4Ever

100% you should. This is not the time to play martyr because "he didn't want". This is the time to think selfishly. Think of the better life you can provide for your child, not just materially but also because you will be less stressed. Doesn't your child deserve to have the opportunity to one day be a PhD scientist?

If you have a hard time thinking selfishly, which many women are conditioned to not do, think about it from a societal perspective. We have the laws we do because absent fathers are not allowed to skip the bill and pass it to the taxpayer. You could apply for aid from the state, and the state will go after the father for it.

At the very least speak with a family attorney. It should be easy to determine how much he owes because he cannot hide income based on the nature of his job. It's not like you'll be bankrupting him. It will just be a fraction of his disposable income. Do not continue crippling yourself financially for some guy you owe nothing to. He had sex with you, he knew the risks. Your child is legally entitled to support from both parents.

AlexandraDoupi

This gets under my skin- women having babies without the consent of the man that shoots HIS SEED into YOU! He asked you to have an abortion- you should have done this within 3 months- now your going to ruin people's lives including the babies. You are selfish and you are what is wrong in the world today.

dailysunshineKO

-1

If he’s smart enough to get a PhD, then he’s intelligent enough to know that sex can cause pregnancy, even when birth control is used.

PearlFrog

-1

Yes. He made a baby with you. The child deserves his support.

AlexandraDoupi

No he does not need to give her anything it was unprotected sex- Use protection! More kids in the world for tax payers to look after- not to mention the poor guy you're with now- who you're asking to bring up a child that's not his? Are you serious? That's a big major ask of someone. I think you are selfish & it would be in your best interest to have an abortion.

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