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Yes, because usually the “best practice” is to not bring up ex’s at the beginning of a new relationship. It also asks them to reveal where they’ve had challenges in the past, which is a big ask of a stranger and someone who is trying to put their best foot forward.
Instead you could ask “what are you looking to develop in your next relationship?”
This focuses on the positive while still seeking what they see as their role in building a relationship, and opens discussion on what type of relationship they want.
It might still be an “intense” question topic for the first few messages.
Thank you for sharing this! I see your point. That's a good way to phrase it. And I can certainly let these questions simmer longer before bring them up.
I'm also someone who wouldn't want to talk about ex's before the first date. Interestingly, though, I find that guys like to talk about theirs. They usually talk about how awful their ex is, which is a turnoff for me.
The fact that you make a point to ask a question at the end of each message seems like a sign that your conversation might not actually flowing naturally. The question asking is like an assignment you've given yourself to complete, whether it's appropriate to the course of the discussion or not.
It could make the other person feel like they can't go ahead and say whatever they naturally would have said in response to you if the question weren't there, and now they have to answer the question instead.
For example, let's say you told them you went to see a great movie last night. Then you described the movie in a couple of paragraphs and ended with, "What was the last movie you saw?"
Maybe the woman was going to respond by saying, "I saw that movie too! I thought (actor) was amazing in it..." But because of the question, they now feel they have to answer that instead and that pulls them out of replying to you in a more natural way.
I only text with people I know well and prefer to talk on the phone for most conversations so that things flow better. I also text in multiple paragraphs like you do, and notice that others send short, choppy, multiple texts.
That can cause me to not see parts of their messages sometimes and not even be aware that there were other texts preceding the one I'm looking at, so I might not address something they mentioned. That is annoying to me, so I've wondered if my writing in paragraphs could be annoying to them since it's the opposite of what they do.
Thank you for sharing this! I'm really glad I posted this; learning a lot about how this communication is received.
I always thought "I'm not going to be one of those people who responds but never asks a question." To me, that seems rude or disinterested. But I can see how I'm totally overdoing it. The questions come naturally to me (it's definitely not an assignment so much as other things I'm also curious about in another person). But they can be overwhelming, too.