I am in my 40sF, I am quite attractive - I am in great shape - I work out 4 times a week. I get a lot of attention from men, many people at work tell me I’m beautiful, I dress well and I look great- one guy at the bar told me very loudly - wow u r beautiful ( I said ty lol). Here’s the but- I never get asked out, I never get hit on - I do get guys holding the door open for me, being polite and courteous. What am I doing wrong ( and no, I don’t have a RBF, lol) or what should I do to talk to more guys. I do keep my headphones on a lot. I’m also very confident of myself - is that making guys not approach me ? I have never had to do this since I was 18, a recent divorce has me wondering new dating rituals/ approaches . I am trying to meet people the old fashioned way and stay away from dating apps for now. Any suggestions? How are you all, out there, meeting other people conventionally ?
Which is funny, because men have approached me a lot more in the gym AS SOON AS I STARTED USING HEADPHONES lol I’m flabbergasted
Yeah, I wear headphones everywhere and that’s never been a deterrent.
And many are really bad at reading signals 🤭
I have often got very clear signals from women....but pretended to completely miss them, as I didn't want a relationship with them and/or don't find them attractive.
Tell me more about these clear signals
When I met my bf I was 40- we made eye contact t a few times and then my sister pointed at him and then gave him the come here waggle and it’s been 10 years. Get a good wing woman but make a lot of eye contact.
Hmmm, I’ll work on that.
Do you talk to guys, show you're interested in them and in some cases even ask them out?
Are you in or near a major city? Try meetup.com...
In my area there's a meetup group that organizes mixers for singles. I've been to 3 and I'll be going for a coffee with someone from the 3rd mixer on Monday.
Excellent
I did and do- a lot of much older men and some creepy - I’m going to a group tomorrow Infact
The quite attractive gets many men stirred up...im not sure why as I'm a guy and don't act like that. But, when a good looking lady is around...its like the dummie switch gets turned on. Attraction should have a guy interested in you...instead of just that one thing.
I read people pretty well, see how it goes.
Update us on how it goes....I'd be interested
😃That kills me- I love talking with guys and I hold great conversations - I work with men and I can hold my own - what a waste that these guys aren’t making a move - I will update 🙏
What a waste that you’re not making a move, if you love talking with guys.
I think I will. Ty for that.
Sounds great on the update, good lk
Ty!
Saying help and introducing yourself is a very clear signal.
I think u meant hello, and yes, will do. Ty
This. This allllllllll day long. It sucks.
Lady, if you see a cute guy, woman up and go talk to him. It’s 2024, women have agency, why the fuck is there this idea that we can use it in any area of life EXCEPT dating?
Hit him over the head and drag him back to your cave. The sweet ones LOVE that.
lol. I’ll try, remember- I haven’t dated since I was 18 - I am starting all over again. And I hear u.
Please do. I am one of the clueless ones. Like 20 years later while reflecting it dawned on me that this girl in college was giving me signals constantly. I want to go back and beat up my younger self.
I would smack the shit out of my younger self for so many reasons. He's lucky that he'll never meet me.
In addition to the headphones, are you making eye contact and smiling? Initiating light conversation?
No, no and no lol. I get what u r hinting at though
I don’t find pretty all that unique. There are so many beautiful women, and the women that show interest or initiate a”love your shoes” do very well. Even if they aren’t the most beautiful. Also remember, that looks are subjective.
This is so true. The world is full of beautiful women.
It sounds to me you are unapproachable. Maybe don’t have the headphones on and engage in a conversation or start one with someone who you’d be interested in.
Honest to God, attractive only gets you so far. Every time I hear "I'm so attractive" I'm immediately turned off.
I hosted an event the other night. It was full of wealthy, attractive men. I could barely tolerate any of them.
A coworker and I were talking about it. It should have been the perfect event to drip some honey, get a number or two, and maybe a date. I didn't want to.
The most interesting guy there was a funny looking. Like in a Stave Buchemi kind of way. No joke. I'd take him up any day over ever single wealthy, single, attractive man there because he was kind, funny, and smart. (He was a vendor in the event, so not one of the paid participants)
My point is, if you think your looks are all that matters and still can't get a date, look at yourself. Maybe you aren't giving people a reason to like you.
U know u may not believe this but I said that in my OP to paint a picture to know what the dating scene is - I think exactly like u said- I’d rather be with someone who I can talk with and share mentally than someone who has looks without material to offer. But I need to start somewhere and attraction is a part of it. I love Steve Buschemi - I’d date people with something to offer in a heartbeat plus guys are only handsome when they have depth , not because they look good on the outside . One of the reasons I don’t approach- I get too heady - what if it is not what it appears to be- what if he doesn’t like things I like or most importantly is a jerk…
Literally all you said was how beautiful you are. Not ons word about anything else.
So no, I don't believe you. Try talking about something other than that.
Anyone who leads with "everyone tells me how beautiful I am," thinks thats all there is to attraction.
I just said in a room full.if.attractive men, I had no desire to talk to any of them. Not a single one. They had the personality of wet cardboard. Maybe think about changing your attitude about how you think being beautiful entitles you to being approached and look at your personality.
U r right- I’m trying to paint a picture without a photo to ask a question- why am I not being approached - can’t do it without making a case for myself- having said that- I hesitate to approach good looking guys for that reason coz they are too wrapped up in themselves - that’s a different topic - I’m just wondering what am I doing wrong coz I’m new to dating. Also, I do work out and it’s a lot of work so it’s not bragging if u back it up- I’d like to be with someone who believe and practices in fitness. My question was not about my other qualities - it’s about opening the door- having said that, I volunteer, more than most people- I bike, kayak, hike, play in a band , read, work with children and the elderly - my other thing I want from my suitor is be nice. My question is not about my qualities - it’s about what am I doing wrong - I can’t go advertising who I am if I can’t even get approached
None of that is a personality.
It could just be that no one finds you interesting, kind, funny,.smart and therefore approachable.
None of the other stuff entitles you to being approached. I don't know why so many people don't understand that.
If fitness is important, go hang out with fit people and talk to them.
Fitness isn't a personality, though.
We all have superficial things that are important. But without the personality to back it up, no one cares.
I love this. It's amazing how much someone's looks change in my eyes from when I first see them until when I get to know their personality. Most of the guys I had serious relationships to even my ex husband weren't people i thought were attractivwe when I first me them. Their personalities made me love them and made them so attractive to me.
I think fitness speaks volumes - it speaks about dedication, commitment, healthy living and healthy eating - it’s a way of life and often people who prioritize health don’t sit at bars drinking or smoking - no offense to anyone who does. But healthy living is a mentality - with 72% of the country over weight/ obese - health is utmost important - so I think. It’s like a club- people who pursue this lifestyle knows who u r .
I still don’t understand how my personality can shine through in places like the gym, in festivals or gatherings where people are mostly meeting and chatting - maybe when I volunteer yes - but while I’m working out or out on a hike or biking or reading a book ? How, that was what my OP about.
Based on your answers, I know exactly why no one approaches you. You sound judgmental, dull, and stuck up.
Maybe you aren't. Maybe you like to talk to people and get to know them. Maybe you're in a hiking group and invite people out with you. Maybe you organize group runs and get to know your members. Maybe you're in a book club and meet once a month and talk to people.
But all you sound is entitled. "I'm beautiful and fit. Why doesn't anyone appraloach me? Anyone not at the gym is in bars and smoking."
I am also a forty year old female and while I wouldn’t describe myself as a model I am fit and appear many years younger than my stated age
I wouldn’t engage with the trolls which I think the person claiming you have no personality is doing.
I don't know if she has a personality. I know she's gorgeous in her own eyes. And fit. And why aren't men approaching her?
My.point is that there's more than being beautiful. And if that's all she leads with -- that's the picture ahe wants to paint -- maybe she should look at what else she has to offer.
I don’t really need having a personality to be patronizingly explained to me either.
She mentioned having quite a few interests and hobbies.
At least her personality isn’t trolling someone who has confidence in her appearance.
U win- u r absolutely right about everything you know and think.
If being attractive is all someone has to offer in their 40s (male or female) they are in trouble. When I hear: I’m attractive, I immediately think the person is not as attractive as they think they are. Idk why! Ha.
where are you going to meet people? Just wandering in public, esp if you’re wearing headphones, isnt going to get the job done most likely. Go to bars, or go out dancing, or join groups/activities where men are. You are going to have to do some of the work most likely, in terms of smiling, being interactive, even initiating conversation with men.
I have joined groups - lots of men way over my age - great guys too- considering their qualities, loved talking with a lot of them - but I don’t want to date them - I’ll keep trying - no one I met that I’ve been interested in, but I get into a conversation with some guy or the other right away in these groups - just no love interest on my part. At the gym is where I’d like to approach a lot of guys I’m attracted to but don’t know how to approach plus what if doesn’t work out ( then I have to see this person or persons on a regular basis )
That’s the same thing men are dealing with (not wanting to approach because what if it doesn’t work out) but you don’t have to walk up and ask them out right then. You can smile, make eye contact, and maybe initiate a convo about something- the machine he’s using, asking a question about it, etc to break the ice.
If you’re getting out and meeting guys but you’re not interested in any of them just keep trying and doing what you’re doing. This is why I don’t get why people are so against dating apps honestly, it gives you the potential to connect with lots of different men in one place. Rather than bouncing from club to club hoping one of a relatively small number of people will be it. Especially at this age when the pool is so much smaller and so many people you meet are going to be already married. But to each their own.
For most men it's not so much "what if she says no". We're used to it. These days it's much more "what if I come over as a creep". Like my current partner just messaged me out of blue. She could do it safely. I would never in my life do it, not because I could be rejected but much worse.
So ladies, it's your turn now.
Thanks for the encouragement , I’ll keep trying. Reg dating apps - I will try them - I understand that they are a dedicated source for what I’m looking for- it’s just I haven’t ever been on one.
All those reasons you listed are true or you too: people aren’t interested in you romantically, they don’t know how to approach you, they don’t want to have to see you again if you reject them.
The Meetup group I joined has people late forties to early sixties, so perfect for someone my age. I can't believe my luck. Now all I have to do is not be so incredibly awkward...
That’s awesome ! U got this - don’t worry about being awkward - be yourself !
I've been pretty much a Hermit for a long time, but I'm going to Toastmasters, Taking a few Dance Lessons. I'm working on things, so hopefully myself will be more engaging... that's the plan anyway.
I think I'm interested can you put me on in meeting any of these guy ?
Just join any of biking/ hiking or singles meetup group. I have met someone at each of these meetings but everyone was either too old or I am not attracted to them- great guys though too bad the age gap was too big .
Getting attention from men is very different than being asked out. The attention is definitely nice and helps confidence but they don’t go hand in hand. Unfortunately. Getting asked out takes a little more engagement. I think eye contact is a great place to start.
Ty for the insight .
Lose the headphones and report back
lol 😂 yes boss. I do listen to and play music - it’s gonna be hard but I’m willing to try it
Men have been repeatedly told over the last several years that, if a woman is wearing headphones, it means she does not want to be approached or disturbed. So this isn't being bossy, it's telling you that you're more likely to be approached if you aren't wearing a "KEEP AWAY!" sign.
I see that now. Ty for the comment .
Then just keep one in if you need a soundtrack
Interesting - good idea
If you want things to change... you need to make changes.
As others have mentioned - drop the headphones. Make eye contact, smile, open up your body position. Also, start asking people out.
Even better - start talking to people. Talk to people you have no interest in asking out just to talk to them. It has huge benefits to you too. If you have always been the prize, you may not be familiar with being just a regular person.
ETA: I do think that very few people ask others out anymore, so it's best to do it if that's what you want. Odds are that people our age are married, at least it feels that way.
Have you tried asking out men? It’s 2024 already,
Also, if you are unapproachable ( attitude, energy) men can be nice to you but not ask you out .
Men today are told not to intrude upon women busy living their lives. That is why men out number women on dating apps. Even on the apps we need to be careful not to ask questions that might inadvertently reveal a woman's identity and I personally never asked any women out when I was online dating but fortunately half of the women I matched asked me out.
Good to know. Ty for that.
How about you approach them? Times have changed, get out there and put in that work if you want it.
Yeah, times have changed indeed, it’s been a looong time since I had to look for a suitor .
Here's a thought, take initiative and approach the men if you are so confident as you stated. 😆
Yeah, honestly, I some days feel like, fuck it, I’m gonna do this and some days I want to mind my own business- I’ll try though. Ty
Multiple Reddit Personalities Disorder (MRPD)
"I am in my 40sF, I am quite attractive - I am in great shape - I work out 4 times a week. I get a lot of attention from men, many people at work tell me I’m beautiful, I dress well and I look great- one guy at the bar told me very loudly - wow u r beautiful ( I said ty lol)."
DOF bingo - you forgot "I look younger than I am"
I know. Lol. I think confidence is healthy and important but some people on here, maybe OP, could benefit by not walking into every room thinking about how awesome they are.
Ikr this sub is FILLED with them. The younger than I am. Lmfao. Best one.
I’ve been told that before many times - now I don’t mind smiling , but waving, can’t work my courage up to do that - good for you to pull that off.
But you expect other people to work up the courage to initiate a conversation when you can’t even be bothered to wave?
If you get a lot of attention from men where are the dates?
Wearing headphones = leave me alone. Source? a 49M who often wears headphones. Bonus points if you have on large over-the-ear headphones.
lol. I have large over the ear noise cancelling headphones
From your description you pay a lot of attention to how you look, your figure. I understand it is a great opening, but what comes after?
I personally don't really get much with looks, I'm a sapiosexual. Talk to me about science, politics and finance and I'm in...🤓🫠🫠
Hey! Guess what? You can ask THEM out too! If you reciprocate their enthusiasm or initiate it AMAZING things will happen. Try it on me 😉
How many times does one try this ? Also, Hey AxeMcFlow, would u like to go to a metal show with me? Or we can bike or kayak - u pick lol
Yes to all the above - and try it as often as you wish. Rejection is normal, but it gets you one step closer to finding the right one
Your confidence is refreshing. Bravo to you ma’am. We’d be friends :) Wing woman is the way to go. Where you lack the energy to put in the effort - your friend will give you that boost.
Ty. I will try and keep trying
I am on a metal band group- I am a metal head and I play in a band - and I’d love to meet someone from this niche
Girl there are tons of guys at metal shows. You just must not be trying at all.
Lose the headphones, make lots of deliberate eye contact. Give guys the glad eye, look them up and down, admire them, look at them like they are objects of pleasure, then admire them again, laugh to yourself a bit and smile. They love that shit.
Come on now. Don’t give away the entire playbook lol. She’s going to herd us all like Peter Piper!
😂
What’s glad eye
Why don’t you make the first move and ask the guys out?
I can, few things, what if I move on and I share the space with this person on a regular basis- don’t want things to get awkward, also I wonder who should I approach if I have a few in mind
It's rare for men to ask women out because the odds of success are low (e.g. lack of mutual attraction, availability or just misunderstanding) and the risks are especially high if related to work networks. Handsome men likely find it easier just to use dating apps. Even when women have tried to ask me out (e.g. suggesting a coffee or drink) and I've found them attractive, I've erred towards politely avoiding because there are easier ways to find a date and avoid misunderstanding or hurting someone I may need to see again.
Where I think you have opportunities are in those courteous, polite moments. Be gregarious the next time a man opens the door or is polite to you. Say something like "oh it's so rare to meet a gentleman..." or more flirtatious like "do you get tired of holding doors for all the attractive women around here?". Or just "thanks, I'll get the door for you next time!" Men sometimes think they're the ones asking women out, but it often follows some groundwork laid by women.
Good luck!
Great points. Thanks for that. I think I’ll do that. I gotta try these dating apps sometime soon. And like u said - my biggest worry is the common grounds where I may have to see these guys again in case it doesn’t work out. I’m a very friendly person and even if it doesn’t work out doesn’t mean we cannot talk with each other …
Guys don’t approach women 🤷♂️
Given the current state of things, I wouldn’t expect that to change. There is way too much risk for a nearly zero chance of reward.
That’s too bad. I would love for a guy to confidently ask me out . ( not here pls)
And this is it, right. You want the exact people you’re attracted to to ask you out without you having to tell them you’re attracted, and you want them to do it in the way you prefer without you telling them what that is, and you there are times you don’t want people to ask you out but no one but you knows what those are.
Bingo
Rather than having the mentality of trying to get every guy to hit on you, you should look for someone you like and focus on giving signals to that one person.
I’m having a hard time narrowing my choices down - I think I need dating apps
Ehhh….headphones are a sign that the store is CLOSED. :)
Look, back when I was dating after my divorce in my early 40s, I learned something pretty neat.
If I went out to a coffee shop and read a ebook on my phone or Kindle, nobody talked to me. If I read a paper book, lots of people would talk to me.
It’s not because paper books are quaint or cool…it’s because the nature of a paper book means everyone can see the name of my book: it’s on the cover that faces the crowd. I’m basically putting skin in the game…letting everyone see what I’m into. It’s not a full online dating profile, but it’s something. I mean, if I’m reading Mein Kampf or Ayn Rand or Fight Club or American Psycho….thats gonna say something about ME and people can judge and decide whether to talk to me or not. If I’m a white guy reading a history book about the Roman Empire, that says something. Or a foreign language book because I’m traveling soon…it says something.
So do you see how earbuds are an absolute, negative 100% never if you want people to talk to you? Nobody knows what you’re listening to. Might be death metal? Might be country? Might be Taylor?
One….online dating is the best way to meet people. What you’re complaining about it like me complaining that nobody has offered to buy my car that’s parked in the driveway. Two…if you want to meet people in public, you need to be attractive AND but our some skin in the game. Something that will make 50% of people say “Nope!” and 50% say “I’d like to talk to her.”
I’ve tried putting skin in the game - bookstores are actually a second home and so are libraries to me - but don’t find many attractive people there- I will drop the headphones and use more open body language, eye contact. But I think I gotta try these dating apps that a lot of the people have mentioned they don’t sound as scary as some other people mentioned . Ty!
I mean, you meet assholes on dating apps…but it’s really the best way to meet a great person too. Like, if you wanted to buy a used car, you’d use cars.com, right? You wouldn’t just wander onto car lots and ask what do they got.
Yeah, I gotta shop better lol
Most men in your age range are either married/in relationships or on OLD to be honest. I am out and about all the time and yes I have met/been approached by plenty of people - bars/brunch/coffee/gym etc but none of them were in their 40s.
Too bad. I want someone still in the game and ready to get out there and take a chance ( no married or involved men oc )
Good luck!
🙏
I would never approach a woman in person. If I thought she was attractive then I’d assume she was way out of my league and already with someone. I’ve been rejected enough and I’m not willing to subject myself to the public humiliation at this age.
Interesting. Rejection sucks - and one of the reasons I hesitate - idk if people are married or single to start with…
Maybe they sense that you are pretty sure you’re all that and a bag of chips and it’s a turnoff?
ONE - I had a friend who was INCREDIBLY attractive, fitness model. She never got approached by guys because they assumed she was with someone or that she was "out of their league". A very beautiful woman can be quite intimidating especially if she knows she's beautiful.
TWO - If you have your headphones on/in the you're signaling that you don't want to be bothered.
THREE - Women have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to be approached. The worst that can happen is not that she'll say "no".
Me too! I should have mentioned that but the thing I’m wondering was why are the guys I’m attracted to staying on the side lines
Interesting. Thank you for that
You have described my girlfriend. When we started dating I of course, asked about her dating history and was shocked to hear that I was the only guy to actually ask her out in the four years after her marriage. I think a lot of guys live in fear of rejection
Thanks for that. I am leaning towards that
I get ask out all the time in real life. I am never in bars.I'm in pand sometimes in the supermarket. I met somebody at church.Imet someone at the library. I make eye contact and just say hi. Wearing earphones people will think you want to be left alone
U r right , I suspected that my aloofness is part of the turn down.
You try hinge
9 out of 10 times, a lot of guys are intimidated by good looking women. They’ll automatically assume that you’re with somebody or will think you have multiple suiters vying for your affection. Has a lot to do with each and everyone’s self esteem & insecurities. I wouldn’t take it as there’s something wrong with you. In this case, I’d say it’s everyone else that has an issue from what I gathered. Confidence goes a long way. Ever wonder why the ugliest guys you’ll see with beautiful women? They had something everyone else did not. They projected confidence which I’d argue most women are attracted to. It’s a certain balance though. If you don’t have enough confidence or too much, it’s No Bueno! I hope giving you this little insight works. I’m in my early forties & have been raising my only child (son) for at least the last decade. I shut off this part of my life, so I had no distractions raising him (I know me 😏). He’ll be 17 before the years out & more than likely off to college a year or two afterwards. After all the sacrifices I’ve made for everyone else, it’s starting to become the time to open this part of my life back up. I’m a little nervous about my prospects. Never really thought about what I’d do when he is grown up. I wish you luck! I know I’m going to need it!
Bingo I’m right there with u- my one kid is starting college and second will be in a couple years and I didn’t want to take all this business of dating up- so this is so new to me - but I think we got this !
Original copy of post by u/ComplexRide7135:
I am in my 40sF, I am quite attractive - I am in great shape - I work out 4 times a week. I get a lot of attention from men, many people at work tell me I’m beautiful, I dress well and I look great- one guy at the bar told me very loudly - wow u r beautiful ( I said ty lol). Here’s the but- I never get asked out, I never get hit on - I do get guys holding the door open for me, being polite and courteous. What am I doing wrong ( and no, I don’t have a RBF, lol) or what should I do to talk to more guys. I do keep my headphones on a lot. I’m also very confident of myself - is that making guys not approach me ? I have never had to do this since I was 18, a recent divorce has me wondering new dating rituals/ approaches . I am trying to meet people the old fashioned way and stay away from dating apps for now. Any suggestions? How are you all, out there, meeting other people conventionally ?
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If you’re uncomfortable asking a man out. Start with just asking something.
My go to is asking about anything relevant to the environment that anyone would question. Something intelligent or thoughtful enough to be taken seriously and not viewed as a dinky damsel in distress. Or, if I’m lucky enough to be in a store or restaurant, I ask for help to attain something out of my reach or for their opinion.
This way, I can quickly gauge a bit about his conversation skills, personality, and possible interest in me with little muss and virtually no fuss. If things go well enough for the preliminaries, I just ask if they’re single and open to a real conversation. If yes, I give them my number. That way they can make the next move if they so desire.
If I’m feeling particularly and inexplicably forward, I just walk straight up, compliment whatever caught my eye, ask if they’re single and for their number.
Sometimes, I just give a dude my number and go if it’s inconvenient to have a short convo. The last time I did was at a nice Japanese spot, the guy ended up being gay and out on a date with his boyfriend (whom I thought was his brother 😅)… Apparently, he was mesmerized by my kid’s (6 at the time) chopstick skills and stealing our food choices instead of guessing from the menu. But, they keep in touch and have recommended awesome new places to meet more guys, have fun, and eat great food.
So, now, I’m also hoping to gather a herd of “wingmen.”
I will not (and advise all women to take this into consideration) limit myself only to men that approach me. If I want a man, I go get one like everything else I want. I can’t let a man’s insecurity, hesitation, or momentary distraction get in the way of the mission.
Great to hear that. I love the story at the Japanese restaurant! I have a great story of a guy I picked up last March who was from Switzerland and gave him my number - it went very well- it was like that movie Roman Holiday. Here’s the thing-most men I eye are at my gym and I don’t want to muddy the waters by asking too many men at my gym and going back to workout there so I have to be smart about this - coz it’s not a situation I can walk away from easily
Oh! When you mentioned the gym, I was thinking if it has multiple locations, you could visit another one. Or get a day pass somewhere else once a week or month, so you don’t smear your favorite spot…
I have been thinking about that- real seriously too. I think I will try it
I think the real issue may be that the men at your gym like it too and have the same reason for not wanting to possibly mess up that sacred space.
Good luck!
True
I have a hard time hitting on woman... It may be you are so attractive and confident that guys feel like there's no way you're not spoken for or they may think they have no chance... You need to advertise...wear a shirt that says... I am single.. yada yada
lol. Nice.
I did like the fact that you are committed to the 'ole fashioned way.... I recently put myself on a dating app and I don't like it... I've been single 4.357783 years and celibate... With no dating ... Recently invited a girl over from work... We made out... Everything but sex and now I feel like I need that part of my life back ....being with someone.. it's bad to now bc I'm craving that.. plus I'm OCD....so ...fun times.
Hang in there. We r in it together. U r way ahead than me in that dept - u got this.
At 40+, it's safer to assume your contemporaries are either married or in a relationship.
Wearing headphones projects that you want to be left alone.
Many guys have received the message that women just want to be left alone.
When you see someone you want to talk to, smile, make eye contact, take off the headphones and say"hi".
I am trying to meet people the old fashioned way and stay away from dating apps for now.
Try both. Dating apps are just a way of finding other people open to dating. It just concentrates those people in one place.
I will drop the headphones and be more open. Ty for your answer 🙏
I think you need to lose the headphones. I purposely don’t approach women in the gym because there’s so much buzz about men harassing women by talking to them and that women in general don’t want to be talked to at the gym.
You don’t need to necessarily ask guys out, but if you make first contact by saying hello that could go a very long way. The very last thing I want to do is be thought of as someone who harasses women so by you taking the first step it alleviates that at least a little.
Good to know for a man’s point of view. Ty!
After reading OP and scanning some of OP's comments, I think OP solved the mystery.
I made some assumptions about, and my assumptions were correct. Disappointed.
If you want to meet men, you should introduce yourself to men. Sitting in public places looking busy and like you don’t want a conversation isn’t going to cause people to think you are free and want a conversation.
Got it. Ty!
How recent a divorce? Even if you’re not aware of it, you may be giving off a vibe that throws guys off (the ones you actually want to date, anyway).
I think that a lot of people just expect to be cold approached in public which is kinda weird to me. Back when we were in our teens and 20s, we met more people who were potential dates because we found ourselves in natural social settings where people are already mingling and talking. Like school, sports, parties, etc. So I think you have to get yourself in as many situations like this as you can. Take classes, join groups, go to your friend’s baby shower or kid’s birthday party even if it sounds boring. Do this with the goal of expanding your social circle, not just for dates. Because maybe you’ll make some new friends and then one of those friends hosts a party or invites you to an event where you meet someone. And even if you don’t get a relationship out of it, having more friends, especially at our age, is a blessing and leads to a more fulfilling life :)
do keep my headphones on a lot. I’m also very confident of myself - is that making guys not approach me ?
Naw, we like confidence as much as anyone
But a woman wearing headphones seems 100% shut off to talking to people. It says "leave me alone!" more than anything else can.
What are we supposed to do, risk annoying you in the middle of your jam just to say Hi?
👍
I think eye contact means a lot. Especially in this day of approaching.
👍🙏
Why not ask a guy out?
I hear you.
Are YOU approaching men?
Don’t wait on them. If you’re interested make the move.
I am gonna try that. Ty!
At our age people don’t just hit on each other in public like you may have been used to in college. You need to go to singles events, join a singles meet-up event, go to a singles bar or speed-dating event or bite the bullet and go online. You also need to offer something more than just looks. Like a resume, looks might get you the interview but you need the other skills to land the job. Good luck!
ETA: in reading some of your answers you put a lot of emphasis on body shape and equating thin to “healthy”. Most women are way off on predicting the body shape men prefer. Women are their hardest critics and think men want Kate Moss whereas studies show most men prefer Kate Winslet. Most of my full figured friends have better sex lives than the super thin ones. For one, they aren’t afraid to eat steak and laugh and second, they do things that guys are interested in instead of doing cross-fit and eating quinoa to excess. Being thin isn’t the end all be all. And before you think I’m sour grapes I weigh 125 pounds but dating isn’t any easier than if I weighed 160. Good luck to you though!
It's because you're "too pretty". You're too pretty to be single. You're too confident to be approached by men who think you're out of their league. When you're confident in who you are and really pretty, and you don't have that desperate to find a man attitude, you're not going to be hit on. Not to mention, this day in age, in person interaction is on par with needing a root canal.
So, you're going to have to be the one to take the initiative.
(M44) Park your car in the shoulder of the road, turn on your hazard lights and stand there looking helpless. This strategy has never worked for me, but you might have better luck.
Just don’t interrupt this guy 🤣🤣🤣
You DOG!
TIL I’m part of a community
Feeling humble - might let someone finish their thought later
Hahahaha I’m in the bay too. I thought I might know you so I took a peak. 😂 as far as I know I don’t
Fair enough
Im in NorCal. Not the Bay Area ;)
Well shit. lol I’m from NorCal, long time SF resident
Ah. Mendo county since 2007! Still living up here even though legalization killed all the fun
Ahh yes. My family is now in Sonoma. It’s nice up there but yes legalization certainly changed things.
Are you going for a casual dating time or something serious?
Casual, but open to long term relationships
Do you have any children and are you divorced or separated?
Great questions btw- separated, will file in a month for divorce - yes to children ( almost in college)
Thanks. I've also been looking for a long term relationship. Never married and no kids but I don't mind seeing someone else with children.
Children and marriage brings a lot of lessons and experiences that they teach u
That's why I don't mind being a stepdad. A lot of people at this age are divorced and have kids. It would be easier if the kids are older teenagers or young adults though. Younger children still require more responsibility.
Absolutely - that’s why I waited - children come first always. U sound like a great step dad. I recently signed up for big sister program - can’t wait to be paired with my first kid- kids are the best . So thankful to have them and I also am gracious to be able to work with autistic children - takes a lot and I learn a lot
I'm not a stepdad yet but I want to be.
I wish u luck
Why not try the apps? A lot of the time men who hit on women in public are a bit sleazy anyway.
I will in due time - I just have never tried dating apps before that’s all. Also, someone told me a lot of married men pose as single guys on apps
Yeah they do for sure. But there are a lot of nice men on the apps too.
To answer your question about meeting conventionally though, I met my partner at a festival. We kind of made eye contact and approached each other at the same time. There was a lot of social lubrication involved though lol
See that’s great. And a good venue to start out. May I ask what what was the social lubrication( the fact that u were surrounded by people)?
Alcohol 😂 not the healthiest option, but it does decrease inhibitions
Aaah - got it lol. Well it works when it works
It’s just been my experience, sorry.
I’ve been in a similar boat. I get told constantly how attractive I am, and yet I don’t get asked out, asked out very often. I never get approached to the gym. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I started dressing a touch more purposefully. More dresses, heels, etc., and I also will be friendlier with men whom I would like to be friendly with. It has worked pretty well for me so far.
They’re intimidated by you or afraid that they have to fend off men for you constantly
What should I do? I want to be myself …
Guys aren't going to ask you to remove headphones to ask you out.
Add in men are told to not bother women without very clear signals from them they want the guy to approach.