How late to a date is acceptable?

Question ❓

I had planned a first date around this guy's schedule, he already pushed back the time an hour. We agreed to get there 8/8:30. A 30 minute window. I arrived 8:10, waited until 8:45, no text so I went back to my car. Got an "oh shit!" text from him on my way out of the parking lot, kept driving.

Apparently he didn't arrive until 9:15. Called me twice. At that point I was pissed.

I think 5-10 minutes late, is fine, not a dealbreaker. 10-20 without a text saying you're late is inconsiderate After 20 minutes late, I'm out. In this case, I held judgement until the end of that window, but I had let him know when I got to the bar.

What is your scale? How late would you wait for a date to show up?

in datingby HoneyMadeSS

96%

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Opening-Ad8073

That's frustrating! I usually give about 10-15 minutes grace period, especially if they let me know they're running late. Anything beyond that without a heads-up feels disrespectful of my time.

Acrobatic-Wedding-31

Agreed, 10-15 minutes with a heads-up is reasonable. After that, it's just disrespectful.

TheFunkytownExpress

Even if it's an emergency they can probably take a second or two to tell you that unless they're in the middle of giving grandma CPR or some shit, lol.

Puzzled-Plantain9391

Agreed! Unless the place is very difficult to park or you can easily miss the entrance. Then I'm a little more 5-20 minutes.

LoverOfSportyLace

Personally, I think a 5-10 minute window is understandable and not a big deal. Beyond that, especially without a heads-up text, starts to feel inconsiderate. Waiting until 9:15 without any communication would definitely frustrate me too. Communication is key, even if it's just a quick message saying you're running late!

waterontheknee

Yup. I would've just taken off at 845 and deleted them.

Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss

Fifteen minutes, if you haven't heard from them in any way.

If they do text, call, email or message you that something's going on (traffic accident, flat tire, etc.), up to thirty minutes.

If they tell me it'll be any longer than thirty minutes, I say let's reschedule...and put the ball in THEIR court to make the plans for the rain-check date.

Should I text the person once I've arrived at the date location on time, and they respond, "OK, I'm leaving now", that is an enormous red flag for me unless they live next door.

R10L31

Totally reasonable, I agree. Unpredictable delays happen like your examples but it’s very rare that, with effort, communication is impossible. If there’s communication, an entirely personal choice depending on circumstances. If (I) can’t at least make the effort to be on time I’m not respecting you.

TheFunkytownExpress

I know this is all down to personal preference, but if someone got held up by something I dont think waiting an extra 30 with a heads up is unreasonable or cause to call a raincheck.

Unless you're the kind of person who has to precisely schedule every 15 minute block of time in their lives then yeah it's really NBD if you ask me.

EggplantHuman6493

I have been 30 minutes late because I had problems with the trains and my card not checking in. Life happens. But give a heads-up, you know? Not all transportation is reliable, and sometimes you randomly have a 30-45 minutes delay if you're unlucky.

Shout-out to the time I technically missed my incredibly important appointment at school because the trains were out and I had over 45 minutes delay

TheFunkytownExpress

Exactly. Being late is fine, but leaving the person waiting on you in the dark is disrespectful and shitty.

MyOthrCarsAThrowaway

Life gives you 5 mins. As a procrastinator I don’t even look at the clock before this mark. Another 5-10 is acceptable, without warning. I’d say anything more requires communication. 45mins-1hr, and you’re toast. Better make it a a great date if I waited that long.

wateraerobics_

Handled appropriately. Screw that. If you can't at least call or text to tell me you're running late, goodbye

elgrn1

I wouldn't have agreed to a 30 minute window in the first place as I can't imagine how or why a person would need that much flexibility to know their arrival time.

The only exception would be when you agree to meet at a particular time and the other is stuck in traffic or public transport is delayed and is trying to guess when they might arrive.

Furthermore, agreeing to a 30 minute arrival window means that the additional 15-20 minute leeway most people would give means, as happend to you, that you could be waiting 45 minutes for someone to not show up.

The fact that he seemed to "forget" you were due to meet and wanted to delay by an hour beforehand suggests he already had plans and didn't want to cancel them to meet you.

He should have been upfront and arranged the date for a day when he could priorise each engagement without being disrespectful and over an hour late for the date, given than he was meant to be there at 8pm to begin with.

I wouldn't give him a second chance.

Science_Broad

I agree with how you handled it.

JackooUR

15 minutes after the date time without a reasonable notice...a call/text saying I'm on my way, be there in 5, I'm ordering food or leaving. Now with that said, I don't schedule anything past 7:30pm, especially dinner dates. 8/8:30, was this a meet at a bar date? I don't really care for late dates and bars on first dates. Women really need to reconsider their stance against coffee and tea dates. This isn't about being cheap, its about first impressions and being able to talk without loud noises and your mouths full of food. Keep it short, doesn't matter if you really like the guy, keep it to 30-45 minutes. Skip the life story, talk about their days, the weather etc, get a feel for who they are without the rehearsed resume. Then you do like the guy, go for the dinner date...no bars and certainly no sex the first 3-4 months. I know, boring, not exciting, I mean if all you want is a fwb or ons, go for it.

Piper6728

10 15 minutes

Giving a 30 minute vague meetup time is asking for issues, it comes off as not taking the date seriously

theFrenchBearJr

Being late needs a proportional heads-up. Five minutes late needs to be a heads up 15 minutes beforehand. 20 minutes late needs to be an hour or two beforehand. 45 minutes late needs to be given as a heads up the day before. (Not hard and fast rules, these, just general guidelines I use myself). No warning? You were right to leave, that isn't courteous behavior and it speaks volumes about this person.

MakingMoves2022

Five minutes late needs to be a heads up 15 minutes beforehand

Are you crazy? Or maybe German? 5 minutes is within any reasonable grace period for any appointments or meetings, including dates. Someone could easily be 5 minutes late due to natural traffic variation that they wouldn’t even know about 15 minutes ahead of time. How much notice do you require for 2 minutes late? 7 minutes?

KimJongYoul

"Or German" You made my day :D

1Hugh_Janus

I died at this part lolll.

My wife was 1h 47 mins late to our date. I was already driving the hour to our date location when she let me know she was stuck at a work thing. She offered to reschedule, apologized profusely… and instead I said I’ll see ya when u get there.

I never had the conscious thought of “holy crep i might marry this person” until I saw her walk in that place. So glad I stuck it out

R10L31

Point is she communicated and you agreed a mutual decision. Seems that it was indeed a good pointer to how you’d get on. Good decision!

theFrenchBearJr

I guess I was imaging instances of being stuck behind some stop-and-go traffic on the highway to the meeting place, this prompting a quick "hey, gonna be a few minutes late, traffic is crazy". I live in an area where most reasonable meeting places are between 20-30 minutes away if anywhere in the main city area, so 15 minutes is well within that time. I also wasn't speaking so literally that each increment of tardiness requires a mathematically reasoned grace period for giving heads up texts.

dented42ford

You clearly don't live anyplace with serious traffic and/or public transit issues...

theFrenchBearJr

Did you miss the part where I said "not hard and fast rules, just general guidelines I use for myself"?

wisely_and_slow

This is…an interesting guideline.

If you know 24 hours before that you’re going to be 45 minutes “late,” you’re not actually late. You’re just rescheduling.

And I’d you’re only going to be 5-20 minutes late, you may not know until a few minutes before.

theFrenchBearJr

Sure but isn't that a semantics issue? If I know I'm going to be later than expected, I am going to say something to my date. To be courteous, I try to do it as soon as I find out the delay.

wisely_and_slow

Right, but most people who are late to something don’t know they’re going to be late the day before. That’s just rescheduling.

Being late is hitting horrible traffic or shitting your pants and having to turn around and go home to change or a work emergency keeping you from leaving on time.

Obviously, with all of those, you should inform the person ASAP, but that will generally be around when you’re supposed to be arriving (say minus 30-60 minutes depending on the commute).

theFrenchBearJr

I can get behind that for sure.

FuelAcrobatic7050

You should always be on time

zonna2912

I don't blame you really. If a dude was late to our date without giving any notice or heads up, apology etc, I'd think he just wasn't that into me to turn up on time. I mean if there's a dream job you really want, you really gonna turn up late to that interview? Just my opinion

R10L31

Good analogy.

justMarving

not my ass waiting for a girl when she was 45 minutes late LMAOOO yeah I should take a page out of your book dude

KimJongYoul

15min late no text am leaving. Plain and simple.

dented42ford

I am ADHD and tend to lose track of time. I'm a creative, and a bit scatterbrained at times. I live in Madrid, where 30 minutes late can be considered "early" by some people. I used to live in LA, where being on time has more to do with traffic than desire...

And even I have my limits, both for myself and others.

For me, it is a hard 15 minutes without communication, 30 with, assuming control (ie, not transit screwups that are out of their control - common problem in LA). Anything beyond that just shows a lack of care and respect.

Art_Vand_Throw001

I think your times are more than reasonable. Would have been crazy to wait till 9:15 super disrespectful to you.

Moderator removed comment

LessThanLolita

I think 5-10 mins w no contact, 10-15 with a heads up that they are stuck in traffic or their bus was late, maybe longer if they tell me something really pressing happened and give me an estimate of how long and a valid excuse, but that long with no contact is not acceptable in my opinion.

dufus69

15-minutes

zoeydoberdork

You gave him a 30 minute window to meet, which is very generous. He finally texts 8:45 that he's late, no kidding. Shows up half hour after that which is 45 minutes later than the 30 minute window! Some people just want to play games. If you're to busy to meet you're to busy to date! I would never give someone a 30 minute window to show up! That's why we have time to narrow that down!

vegan_renegade

I go by waiting 15 mins. max whether there is no text at all, or if she texts she'll be late. If no text, I leave and go about my day after 15 mins. If there is a text and ETA is more than 15 mins of original date, OR still hasn't arrived after 15 minutes even if she texted, I leave and text her to reschedule.

Acceptablepops

20 mins is about all I can give you imo

RestaurantOk7593

I would have left too! It’s the no text thing, he should have let you know

this_Name_4ever

Idk never had someone show up late for a date with me..

Icy-Race2642

I’m okay with people being late. I decide on a case by case basis how long to stick around waiting. If I’m on a walkable street, I don’t mind poking about in the shops for a bit. I dated someone who was consistently a half hour late so I just told her to arrive to things a half hour earlier than I would have. I also didn’t, say, have dinner on the table until the time I really expected her there.

I think lateness gets to be a problem if it’s coming off as disrespectful of you (not just busy or bad at time management), or if it makes you miss important things (a boat, theater tickets, a party) and has a negative impact on you (which it does simply if it bugs you.) In that case it can help to decide on and share your boundaries, like, “I will leave after 10 minutes and see you a different time.” I have a brother in law who will be an hour late and WILL miss a boat or whatever, and I tell him I’m leaving at X time sharp and if he’s not there he can catch up with me. That works well. Sometimes he misses the deadline but there’s no drama around it because he knew what to expect if he missed the time limit.

Horrison2

Yeah I can understand if things came up, but.. you're supposed to be super excited about a date, it shouldn't be something that just slips your mind

Kay2Free

He doesn't respect you or himself in that matter. Biggest red flag, admit at all cost, especially wirkt a heads up.

SlyLilGirly

Arriving significantly late (30 minutes or more) without prior notice can be considered disrespectful and may cause frustration or concern for your date. It implies a lack of consideration for their time and plans.

start3ch

Why would you agree on a window? Just pick a time

start3ch

Why would you agree on a window? Just pick a time

notsolowbutveryslow

Being late more than 10 minutes without explanation or updates is a shit move. In my opinion especially for a date being there on time is very important because if youre late its a sign of bad manners, and low appreciation.

Glittering_Bug_6630

15min and then peace out

Smack_the_pony

I will wait 10 mins without a text call to say running late and then I’m out of there, I think the fact you already had the time changed to accommodate them and they were still late tells you all you need to know.

AuDHDcat

15 minutes and a heads up that they're running late.

Zubi_Q

Single

30 mins max

Sailorxena_

I would never schedule a date around a man’s time. They should be trying to impress you..

TechnologyBeautiful

For a first date where impressions really matter id give it like 15 min. After that I'd just leave. If we have been on multiple dates and they've been considerate of time in the past then I'd give them more leeway.

LeafInsanity

5-10 without notice I won’t bat an eye. At 15 I’m sending the “You on the way?” Text. If I get a response, go from there. If I don’t, I’m out.

wikedsmaht

This happens when a man double-books himself 2 dates in one night, and leaves you hanging because date #1 is going better than he expected.

FigmntOfMyMagination

0 seconds.

If you've got something scheduled like that, you should be early. No ifs ands or buts. [OK, maybe car accident, heart attack, but seriously, leave early enough to even accommodate possible traffic, be an adult].

If you've had a long term relationship that's one thing. You have understanding between you.

First date, or newer relationship, late at all is simply disrespectful. Unless it was discussed ahead of time. "Oh shit" shows that the priorities aren't there.

[48M, widowed after 23 married, now 2 years with someone]

RaleighlovesMako6523

You are doing the right thing. Some people are lack of time concept, lack of respect and consideration and they don’t value their time or others time but you are on the other side of spectrum.

Too far apart on one single trait is not going well in a relationship better to cut loss now in my opinion.

PepperyBlackberry

Your scale sounds about what I would consider acceptable as well. The only thing that I would add is that frequency is also a big factor. Being late once and apologizing (things happen sometimes) is different from consistently being late. If someone was more than 5 minutes late more than once, I’m out.

Upton_Sinclair_1878

It’s more about the lack of communication. No more than 15 minutes.

Difficult_Owl_1742

If it’s a first or second date I give no grace period. If there is no communication about the tardiness, I leave. It shows a lack of respect for another persons time, and I’m not interested in that kind of person.

SupernovaSurprise

I have no idea, but once I was like 45min late for a first date, I felt so bad, but it also wasn't my fault. It was a 1 hour drive, I even have myself enough buffer to get there 20min early. But between me leaving and arriving in her city, there was a major accident on the highway, like 6 cars at least. So that locked everything down and I was stuck. I was at least and to text her and keep her updated on my eta. But I felt terrible because the eta just kept increasing and increasing.

DesperateToNotDream

The fact that he didn’t even let you know he was running late until 8:45 is a deal breaker to me. Then he didn’t actually show up for another half hour. Nope.

Parking-Bluejay9450

15 min max. I'm more tolerate if there were a heads up text indicating he is running late by X minutes.

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