A therapist once told me that the reason people would always attack me and be outrageously rude and crazy to me all the time was ‘because of how I looked’

Well if the customer snapped at you because she knew you wouldn’t snap back, wasn’t she right? It sounds like you aren’t the type of person who will snap back. Do you think it’s true that people snap at you because they don’t think you’ll snap back? If so and if you don’t want people to snap at you, maybe be the type of person who snaps back.

Now I'm sooo curious what you look like. Can't believe a therapist said that though.

You either look young or meek I guess

Women are extremely hateful to women they think they can get away with mistreating.

Wow your therapist sounds absolutely terrible at her job. She couldn't think of a better way to describe what she meant?? Sounds like you need a new therapist

Your therapist sounds kinda rude. Commenting on your appearance and saying it's why you get treated poorly is just uncalled for.

idk what the therapist is on about, but in the situation itself it sounds like the customer saw you as less intimidating, since she only yelled at you after finding out you WEREN’T the one who was being rude to her. most of the time the way people act toward us has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them.

ok now I am realy curious to see what you look like bc I kind of understand what the therapist means. some people just look a way that gives off different kinds of vibes and yes it is pretty shallow

She's rude for putting it that way, but I think she meant it's because you look like someone who's not an asshole? In my life, I've experienced people holding me to a higher standard/ confronting me about things they wouldn't confront other workers about just because I'm known as a really nice person at work, sometimes I get really annoyed by it because often times these people doesn't even realize they're doing it. Like I was a couple of hours late to work the other day and this one lady I work with gave me a hard time about it even though it's literally the first time I've been late in months. On the other hand we have workers who are late all the time, but those workers are a lot more blunt and rude than I am, so they never get a hard time about being late. It's like being punished for trying to be a good person, a lot of people do it without realizing it.

Edit:On a lot of days I have a resting bitch face without even realizing it, I've found that a decent resting bitch face will repel a lot of people's bullshit before it even starts, and you don't even have to be an asshole to have a resting bitch face, sometimes I'm in a great mood but my face reflects the opposite. Maybe you can practice one?

thats innapropriate af, not to mention id lose my mind trying to figure out exactly what she meant by that. its pretty messed up of her to not give you more of a definitive answer

That’s a good therapist. She told you you’re a push over without telling you. She wanted to you to pushback not ask for specifics because guess what? There are none. You let things happen and don’t set clear boundaries. You said it in the beginning. Why haven’t YOU talked to your coworker? Tell her she’s being a dickhead because well…she is.

I'm going to say that it means that you look like someone who would not fight back, and perhaps in your teens or early 20's? Maybe you're a shy, quiet type who puts the vibe across through their body language, posture and facial expressions that you won't put up a fight. Others can target this and take out their frustrations on the 'easiest' mark.

Are you a confident person within yourself? Do you speak up for yourself on most things? Do you hold yourself tall (good posture) and speak clearly using eye contact?

If not, perhaps work on yourself in that way (self development)and gain some more confidence in yourself and who you are as a being so you don't end up being people's punching bags. Unfortunately, there are alot of bullies out there. Adults as well as children. When you get older , you automatically stop taking people's sh#t, but it's much better to make this your goal early on so you can enjoy your life better.

I went on a trip abroad for teachers. It was a group of mostly women. I was getting sexually harassed in the street. When I shared it bothered me, I was told by one of the women that it was “because of the way I carried myself.” She then went on to say about herself “ I don’t get harassed because of the way I carry myself.” People love hierarchy & they love putting you in a place. I think women are abused by larger society and they will absolutely project & scapegoat women that they view as different. In my case it is my autistic traits that cause women to abuse me. It sucks because I very much want friendships with women, but when you refuse to step in line to the hierarchy they are creating, they will abuse you & get their friends to do it as well.

It's hard to find the right therapist. A job doesn't make you a good or smart person. People fall into jobs they don't care about all the time and they fall apart and blame everyone else. Just know that person was a human with problems too. Don't give up on yourself, it's hard to find the right help but it's worth going through crap for. Don't let anyone discourage you. Their behavior is a reflection of their character, not yours.

It is not okay for a therapist to make this kind of a judgment and evaluation of your appearance. And then to not even substantiate when they make such a bold comment . I’m sorry you experienced that. I would say the fault lays with the other individual and their temperament and not you. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s my professional opinion as a Psychotherapist!

She could have worded it nicer but she’s right. And it was kind of a dick move to not tell you a reason why, it’s likely just because you look super approachable.

As others have said in the thread people usually won’t start shit with people they think won’t take it - 9/10 this is subconscious and they’re not deliberately picking you out they just know you’ll take it. Work on getting a resting bitch face if this bothers you

Wow I am shocked that your therapist actually said that. I don’t think it’s because of your appearance. Some people are just rude and confrontational. However, perhaps being assertive might help. I will admit that I have RBF. Resting B face. So I rarely get anyone confronting me but, I have had people try. I also have people approach me all the time at the gym to ask questions, flirt, talk chat. People are friendly nice and chatty. Maybe it’s because I am muscular and they genuinely have questions. But I always thought my face made me seem unfriendly. Strangely, I get approached ALL the time. Which makes me uncomfortable as I am awkward socially. So I don’t believe it’s a look. Some people are just mean and confrontational and awful. However I might add, I am the type to put someone in their place if they try ME tho. Lol Sorry for these awful people. But be more assertive and see if it helps.

Sounds like a bad therapist

And I think that customer was venting on you in that particular situation, making you her punching bag, since she was obviously put off and frustrated by the way her order was taken, and she probably would’ve gone off on just about anyone in that situation, except the person who was making her feel that way. Not fair to you, but probably not even about you. It was her issue, and it took you by surprise. If I had recovered from that shock, I probably would’ve just said sarcastically “have a nice day!” Or just answered her calmly “I didn’t take your order” or if you really wanted the co-worker to adjust her attitude, let the customer know to direct complaints to management. And this comes from my lifetime of customer service experience.

I don’t think you have a good therapist. Seriously consider whether you want her to keep on treating you.

Therapists love to belittle their clients from their high horse. Move on to a different therapist, she/he is clearly causing damage.

It's not a very professional way of saying it but it is true that people can look like victims.

E.g. if you have experienced trauma in the past it changes the way you act around other people, and makes you much more likely to become a victim again, because predatory people who enjoy bullying can sense that you have no confidence or are broken in some way, so they pick you

Dude people treat me like shit too. They snap at me because they know I'm a calmer person and won't snap back. They know me just by looking at me. People get in bad moods and need a place or someone to lash out to. I'm an actress/model. People tell me I'm pretty. It's most likely not the way you look, honestly. It's the way you present yourself. Like they know they can get away with being a bully, so they do. Also, your therapist sounds sus. Like I'd look into a new one. She was very vague with a major issue. If it's your grooming then she should have been more clear.

I wish a therapist would've said that to me.
Most of the time they say it's all in your head and won't acknowledge that humans will treat anyone poorly if they think they can get away with it.

You teach people how to treat you, if most people can treat you like shit and walk all over you they will. Accepting this killed some of my faith in humanity but it solved the problem.
I used to drive myself crazy wondering why people found it so easy to be mean to me. Therapists would tell me to go right back into the same situation but to be more mindful or use coping skills, but nothing helped. I was even asked to keep a journal of experiences and they acted like I was exaggerating with how frequent it happened.

Not giving a fuck and being more rude literally changed my life for the better and for some reason people I meet feel like I'm worth their kindness again.

people are afraid of me and think i am mean or will yell at them or hurt them. they avoid me and don't like to talk to me. The only people who talk to me regularly are people who don't have like an off button or seem to know when to shut up or when a conversation has stopped, like they have no sense of time or what they are saying.

ppl with a hard stare don't get messed with. you need to make a facial expression as if someone where to say the wrong thing you either fight them or shoot them.

If you have a squeaky high pitched voice and look like a people pleaser it would take a lot for you to adjust your body language and tone to challenge a rude remark. Most nice people just keep continuing their energy pattern. And people with dark energy can sense this and poke at you

Yes that is true. Especially if the younger woman is prettier and better educated. If she also looks younger than her age the women can be especially toxic. This was my first hand experience.

Ur therapist is probably being honest..not justifying her behaviour towards u at ur job, but how u present urself matters. Sadly that's how people are. I know people at my work who get put at different jobs based on the way they look..it's sad

Let me know if you figure this one out...

Therapist is right, I can spot a pushover a mile away.

Learn to stand up for yourself nasty people love and easy target!!!!!!!!they are jsut as scared as you it’s all a front that’s why they pick the most vulnerable person to go off on if they went off on someone else they might get consequences jsut gross people ignore them

People will treat you how you let them treat you. If you look/act like a pushover or wet noodle you will be treated as such by a lot of people. Not everyone is kind.

Def should have posted a picture of yourself to go with this

Sounds like she has problems with herself. It's definitely her, not you, OP. I've long since stopped caring about how people with issues treat me, because I know I've done nothing to deserve it.

They are saying you look like a push over, so people take advantage of your nice demeanor by being rude or blaming you.

You are too sexy for this world

Therapist should not have said that. I would think the right thing to do is work on how you can manage these types of interactions. People can be cruel and mean. I worked retail for years and was a server for like 8 months. The worst people were the ones I served food too.

Idk I feel like I have an oddly approachable presence about me. Often I wish that was not the case. Like why am I getting pulled into a 20 minute conversation with some random lady at my corner bodega? But I just focus on how I interact. You can’t control others behavior.

You might have a naturally open and friendly face, or a baby face, which some people take to mean young and naive, easy to push around. You could ask your boss what s/he suggests you do when a customer decides to take out their frustrations by raging at you. It's a fair question, and s/he might have some practical suggestions, or maybe there's even a policy about how to handle such customers.

Agreed; very unhelpful on the part of your therapist, and a bit bewildering.

Maybe its because people can sense you are a nice person. I feel like nice people get this more than others because they are more comfortable with them or they pick on nice people because like your therapist said they think you wont push back. Maybe not how you look but that you may seem nice in how you act and mannerisms?

Your coworker lied and is telling people they didn't take their order, because they know they're rude. This person was unhappy and your coworker passed the buck to you, to the driver, they know one of you is lying but they didn't know that until they got to the second window, which is why they blow up at you instead.

Find your center. Build healthy boundaries. Be strong and responsive, not fearful and reactive

You need a new therapist

Literally.

Your therapist sounds a bit rude but predators like muggers and rapists actually can look at someone and determine if they will put up a fight or not so there’s something to the art of body language. Frankly, as a hominid, you need to get better at this. Whatever it is you are, start changing it. Tilt those shoulders back, chest out, don’t look at the ground. Walk into rooms like god sent you….as a punishment.

So many therapists are terrible and making people worse 😣🤦🏼‍♀️

The reason this person snapped at you was because of THEM, their inability to control their rage, and was triggered by the order taker. Not your fault, not because of your looks, not because you are too timid or whatever. People are just nuts.

No one's appearance is EVER a reason that people take out their anger on them. Maybe that's their excuse, but whenever someone gets crazy at you it's their problem.

I feel like she means you look timid and like you wouldn't defend yourself. That being said, your therapist shouldn't have been so vague because this could really make a person feel even more insecure. Especially, if they have anxiety. I'm one of those ppl that "look timid" and ppl do the same shit to me. And then when I finally snap, I'm in the wrong or overreacting. People like to attack ppl that they deem weak bc they figure we ain't bout shit. Not only that but they like to insult everything about us when we don't ask because it makes them look better. But the minute we ask for honesty that may hurt our feelings they start lying about shit. All I have to say is to prepare yourself bc it will happen again and the next time someone tries you like SHE DID AT THAT COUNTER! I hope you knock their head off their shoulders.

Report your therapist to her supervisor. Word for word.

I’m sorry that this therapist attacked you passively instead of aggressively like the customer. She basically did the same thing , and you couldn’t even respond bc how the fuck do you?

Did anything happen figuratively?🧐

For real? I can’t imagine a therapist saying that as commenting in appearance is a no no

There are bad therapists out there just like there are bad roofing contractors. I suggest finding a therapist who can actually explain their thoughts.

u need a new/better therapist and to read the book "The 4 Agreements". seriously though... fire that therapist.

This is why I don’t agree with therapy.

I think your therapist is a jerk and shouldn't have opened their mouth if they didn't have a complete thought with a strategy to help. That said, I had a friend tell me something similar, but HE actually knew what he was talking about and had a solution. He said my body language screamed "victim", and to prevent it, I needed to change how I moved. He took me to martial arts classes. Let me tell you, after 9 months, I was so much better off. It changed my posture, my walking gait, and my confidence. You need a good instructor, not one of those chain places. I personally liked the Japanese martial arts, ngl, but any traditional martial art will have this effect. Good luck!

Coming from a woman who is short, skinny and has a baby face that makes me look much younger than I am, I kinda get what you’re saying. I don’t consider myself a pushover but there’s definitely been times where I also freeze just because a person was so nasty that it shocked me. I am willing to bet it is a combination of how you look (not intimidating) plus your body language.

I would focus on improving your body language + learning how to respond in situations like that. You don’t have to be combative and escalate fights, but you definitely need to set boundaries with everyone. If you have a customer/coworker who starts going crazy, I suggest you simply tell them “I am not going to tolerate this behavior” and walk away/grab a manager. I mean like as soon as they start raising their voice just completely shut them down and disengage.

Just a suggestion, and I mean this in the kindest way. Try to eliminate using “literally” as much as you do. I think you said it like 10 times in the entire post. You don’t even need to use that word; it’s all literal because it’s happening live.

While I don’t think the therapists feedback is necessarily helpful, I do know what she means. People have told me that I have a look that could kill… I never have people yelling at me.

Apparently my natural face is “scary” but I swear I’m the nicest person and would probably cry if someone yelled at me.

i think it means you look chill and or nice like just a better punching bag than the one who was the one dealing out all her shit

Okay please may I advise- try to train learn martial arts, and work on proprioception. If you have had some trauma in your past it communicates through your body language and you become a beacon for assholes and predators.

Hi, I noticed you did not post a picture of yourself. That's fine, but you must expect every response to be talking out of their ass right?

Sounds like a bad therapist who didn’t know anything else she could say. Not every therapist is good.

I would be skeptical of a therapist who makes that kind of deduction and isn’t atleast willing to explain why.

Why pay for that kind of advice, when anyone off the street could tell you such a thing. What I’m assuming she’s getting at is that you look welcoming, amicable, polite, inviting.

If that’s the case, that gives people with more difficult personalities the inkling that they might be able to get away with mistreating you.

There are people who do think like this, especially those on the psychopathy or dark triad spectrum. They utilize psychoanalysis and body language theory to choose their targets.

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through an experience like that. You got the short end of the situation and agreed that maybe looking into addressing what your therapist said was not helpful and almost too blunt. You're not alone, though, and I'm sure with this experience, you'll learn to cope or handle these situations. People will try you sometimes, but we have to handle what we can control in our behaviors. Also, that rude coworker should not be employed. She should have been reported to the manager or someone because it sounds insane. Maybe look for another job and leave this one ASAP. It's not a good work environment from what it sounds like.