Struggling to integrate

Vent

I’ve posted a couple of times along the same theme.

But basically, I (35F) have remembered a family member grooming, molesting and raping me multiple times at least ages 4-7.

I had no recollection of the abuse or that it was him until 6 months ago when I started making more serious strides in my healing. Although I had a funny feeling something happened to me that young and non-abusive memories that made me feel “icky”.

I have largely avoided him and the rest of my family since becoming an adult, but he is still in touch with me / was still around a lot when I was a teenager.

He was very important for me as a child, he lived with us at one point and was always the person to go places with me, my mum and my siblings (I was the only girl, not sure if he also abused my brothers). I was parentified and emotionally neglected, he was the only person who “understood” me.

I have 2 kinds of recovered memories, memories that feel like mine and memories that don’t feel like mine. Anything directly indicating sexual abuse by this abuser doesn’t feel like mine, but peripheral memories and memories of assaults by other abusers when I was older do feel like my memories (although I am aware of blanks).

It so strongly doesn’t feel like it happened to me but I have all of the reactions like it did. I know this means it must have happened, but I just can’t reconcile it. I feel guilty, like I’ve made up something disgusting and something that hurts him. Like I’ve made up a bad thing about a good guy. That there must be something severely wrong with me to have made it up.

I know logically that’s the trauma, that he groomed me and it’s natural for children to blame themselves and this disbelief is from childhood but it’s sooooo powerful.

When I remembered and it felt real, I felt sad for him that he must have been hurting so much that he would do this. I feel like that’s really messed up :(

Maybe I have Stockholm syndrome. Or maybe I’m psychotic?

It’s really painful to be living in this constant inner turmoil. My life is stuck, I haven’t been able to work for a year and I am in so much pain. I want to be able to face this but it’s just too painful.

in adultsurvivorsby One-Being-9174

97%

4mo

ThunderRumbled

4mo

I have almost the exact same story as you. Same age now, same ages when it all happened, same guilt of “how could I have a narrative so evil and disgusting around a man that helped normalize my sh-tty life so much as a kid?” You didn’t make it up, and likely he did it to other kids too, not just you. Gotta find a good professional to go through all this with. Even when I type about it now, part of me detaches and makes me feel like I’m just telling a story, not a real series of events in my life. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone and we’re on the same page.

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you for your comment. I’m sad you’ve lived through this but I’m really grateful for you sharing, I feel less alone in it.

I relate a lot to what you said, I feel like I’m lying to myself but know it must be true. It’s so heartbreaking, but hope I can face myself and move forward. I hope the same for you.

TAKG

4mo

I struggle with this too. I feel so guilty a lot of the time because of this but I read on either this subreddit or r/ptsd to not rely on the memories but to look at the symptoms. They can’t be made up (at least not easily or subconsciously) and they don’t appear out of nowhere.

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you! That is helpful. I guess that...I feel how I feel whatever actually happened. I'm sorry you also struggle with this, but thank you for your comment. It helps to not feel so alone in it, knowing others experience this is deeply sad but also very comforting. I hope the same comfort for you.

TAKG

4mo

It is a bittersweet comfort for me as well so I know what you mean. It’s nice knowing we’re not alone even though what we’ve been through has been not nice. I’m glad that I can help in some way :)

Kween_LaKweefa

4mo

What you’re describing is definitely dissociation during the abuse. It is a very common and natural way for the brain and nervous system to deal with traumatic times like this when you really didn’t have any power or a way to escape. You’re not alone in having this kind of reaction in this kind of moment. And you can still heal the trauma even if you don’t clearly remember it. I could elaborate more on that if you’re interested. Hugs and healing to you. 💖

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you, I really appreciate the information and the supportive words. It means a lot.

It's so wild that the unrealness of it all is a distinctive aspect of dissociation..so it's inherently not going to feel real and the unrealness is a hallmark of it being real.

Definitely interested in hearing more about how to heal without remembering. I feel myself beginning to remember more and I'm not sure if it's going to be a process of keeping on getting new memories or not. Right now, I'm not able to speak it (although my therapist knows that this is what I'm going through without specifics).

I feel like I want to know what happened to me, as not knowing is part of the violation, and to take my power back by being able to give voice to what happened to me. I don't know how essential that is for healing.

Thank you again for your support, I wish healing for you too 💕

WirtEye

4mo

I understand. It's like this for me too. Sometimes I allow myself to believe it's real for a moment, and I have a waterfall of emotions dumped on me. Then I must internally shut the door very quickly, because the waterfall stops and I am left numb until I allow it again. Every time I open the door, I believe myself a little more.

One-Being-9174

4mo

This is exactly what it's like for me. I'm afraid I'll drown if I let the door open and let the waterfall of emotions run its course. So I'm just kind of paddling in the water to survive.

blurrylulu

4mo

I just want you to know that you are not alone. Just today I took a leap and confided in a friend about my abuse by my father and while I think he was trying to be supportive, he asked me if I really believed what I was saying. Like, how could I have not known? I discovered my CPTSD and disassociation in trauma therapy, and with my therapist it’s one the only places I feel comfortable to do parts work.

The intense (intense!) shame, the guilt, and the unbelievable disbelief is overwhelming. How could this have happened? Why aren’t I angrier? Why do I love him? WHY did he do this to me? I guess I don’t have any advice, just please know you aren’t alone. It’s a horrible horrible experience to second guess yourself while knowing it’s the truth.

One-Being-9174

4mo

he asked me if I really believed what I was saying. Like, how could I have not known?

Oof, that's tough. It's such a big step to confide in someone, and it's so hard to then be invalidated like that. I was asked if it's possible I heard someone else's story and thought it was mine...well I wasn't worried about that before but now I'll add that to the list of things I'm worried about! I think people in general just really don't understand the reality of trauma and dissociation. Especially inter-relational trauma by caregivers of a child.

Given how prevalent it is, I wish people in general were more educated. Folks are quick to speak out angrily about 'paedophiles', but are shockingly bad at recognising and stopping abuse and even worse at supporting those who have experienced it. It's a real problem and says a lot about where we are as a species.

The intense (intense!) shame, the guilt, and the unbelievable disbelief is overwhelming. How could this have happened? Why aren’t I angrier? Why do I love him? WHY did he do this to me?

I feel all of this so strongly. I think all of these complicated feelings are a big part of why CSA is so terrible, children really don't have the capacity to make sense of it. It's so damaging for your survival and comfort to be linked to harm during development.

It’s a horrible horrible experience to second guess yourself while knowing it’s the truth.

Yes, it's so horrible :( Thank you for your kind words, I believe you and wish you healing. I think it takes time and is a very painful process, but I have to believe that self acceptance and healing is possible. I believe it for both of us.

BingPot2021

4mo

The memories and flashbacks feel like that because you were dissociated during the abuse. Your mind literally left your body, hence the peripheral views. I have the same. You are not making it up.

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you.

It makes sense that the memories are of a dissociated state, because I was in a dissociated state.

I just don't know how to make it feel real. I suppose it has something to do with internal safety and nervous system regulation and time.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel less alone.

BingPot2021

4mo

It’s also normal for it to not feel real 😉✌🏼

Comfortable_Golf_870

4mo

I’ve remembered my mom molesting me and it still feels like I made up part of it because I can’t see details. I just feel this enveloping darkness, or like something is sitting on my chest. Sort of like I’m blindfolded or looking through a semi-sheer fabric. I know it’s real though because she never really stopped requesting affection. I unlocked it because I remembered an instance where I was really little, and said no to affection. She shamed me saying I caused my twin sister’s learning disability to trigger a need for affection in me. Whenever I said no, that’s how she got what she wanted.

You’re not alone. I still sometimes feel like maybe she’s not so terrible, but then my fiancé reminds me that I have a story of my mom being a terrible human being for literally everything. She’d shame me for getting good grades because I was supposedly the reason my twin would never have the same success. I now realize that the reason she pitted me and my sister against each other was so that she would never question what happened to me as abuse and would never tell our dad what happened.

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you for sharing this and your supportive words. I do feel less alone reading yours and everyone's comments, and I hope the same for you.

I'm so sorry that this has been your experience. It sounds like you're right that she pitted you against each other as a means of control. I'm glad to hear you've reached this level of insight and understanding about your experience, I'm sure it's taken a lot of work.

I just feel this enveloping darkness, or like something is sitting on my chest. Sort of like I’m blindfolded or looking through a semi-sheer fabric

This is relatable. I think a lot of it happened in the dark, or with my face covered and therefore all I remember is the physical sensation which I dissociated from. They probably do that on purpose so you don't remember their face. I don't think I'll ever understand how someone could do that to a child.

This part should probably come with a trigger warning: I kind of have a memory of...being invaded and having to leave my body and wait it out. I also remember...heaviness. A lot of my flashbacks are of darkness > heaviness > pain > hard to breathe > escape (dissociation). Although, I do have more visual memories of body parts and "scenes".

Comfortable_Golf_870

4mo

That’s how my triggers are, too. Just a heavy out of body feeling. Probably because it’s a really young memory, and not one I had the capacity to properly process at that age.

Far-Contest683

4mo

I just want to say my experience of having memories and flashbacks come back from early childhood abuse is completely consistent with what you are experiencing. Every memory which has come back has felt unreal. I always go through a process of feeling like it is not real. That seems totally normal to me. To the child, these experiences were so painful that it must have seemed unreal. Usually for me, there is an (incredibly painful) process of remembering the feelings that go with the memory that takes place sometime after I become aware of the memory. They often hit like a ton of bricks so be prepared. I would try to get a support shyster in place. It is only after I have experienced the emotions that the memory feels real and I know it happened. It is an incredibly painful process, i truely wish you support for the journey, you are strong enough to get through it. None of this was your fault. None of it.

lilithandkit

4mo

This has also been my exact same experience. It's so validating to know how much this is common for people were abused.

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you so much. It is very validating to hear that our experiences are consistent, although I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s a terrible thing to live through.

Now I’m reading your comment, it does completely make sense that the memory would feel unreal if the experience didn’t feel real. Thank you for that!

I have experienced a bit of the emotions hitting me. I get a memory and then have really intense feelings, like the staring at the sun inside myself but it’s dark. Really bright darkness inside me. I’ll feel intensely sad and afraid. It feels a bit like a knife in my mind coming after me, sometimes I’ve kind of pushed it away (I wish I didn’t, as I’ve been stuck in limbo).

I think I can tell there’s more under the surface, I just can’t feel it yet. I think you’re right about the tonne of bricks. I’ll try to prepare.

Anyway, I have a lot I want to get off my chest and I guess it’s coming out here. But really I want to say thank you for validating my experience and making me feel less alone.

angelina-zooma-zooma

4mo

Hey I wanted to say that you’re not alone and I hope things get better for you really soon. I don’t think you’re crazy, psychotic, or dealing with Stockholm syndrome. I typed out a comment but deleted it because I struggle to be concise and usually don’t feel right to post most of the lengthy comments I write, and I still don’t feel safe to talk openly about most of it.

But I wanted to at least comment to say that I’ve worked with 3 different therapists over the years, over similar issues and questions, and they all independently told me in their own voices that it was healthy, allowed, justified, and safe for me to believe myself.

So many of the posts here resonate with me so deeply that it almost feels like some sort of absurd and scary prank at times, because I feel almost triggered by feeling connected, seen, and understood for once. And when I get past that shock, I’m really grateful to people like you for sharing your experiences, because since finding this support group, for the first time in my life I don’t feel alone in these issues. Some of your descriptions of your internal experiences with memory, feelings, flashbacks, and the blinding pain/fear/shame of it all are almost eerily familiar to me, and I just wanted to say again that you’re not alone, and for whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you’re crazy. And the books I’ve read by trauma experts and my therapists wouldn’t think that of you either.

Whatever happens, I’m glad you’re giving yourself the permission and time to take care of yourself, no matter what needs to be explored for you to be able to do that. That’s what I’m trying to do for myself, and it helps to see others leading the way. I’m also always happy to see my friends with similar issues give themselves that compassion and care, too. I want that healing and peace for them, and I want it for you, too! So thank you for sharing.

I’m sorry this is long and I’m sorry I don’t have more helpful advice. I was abused sexually and otherwise growing up, but one of the hardest things to survive is this lifelong struggle from having had signs, symptoms, and csa related issues long before the first instance of abuse that I do remember. So I can’t give better advice because I’m going through something similar, but you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. My therapist (indirectly) says so lol. She told me there’s no reason and no actual way for the kid I was to have made up struggling with age inappropriate sexual knowledge and trauma symptoms. And I don’t think you’re making up your struggling either. I hope you find peace and understanding very soon. 💙

One-Being-9174

4mo

Oh, thank you so much for your comment. I'm really glad you did choose to send it. Truly, your words and support mean a lot.

I'm sorry you're also going through this, but I'm really grateful for you sharing your perspective with me.

I know exactly what you mean, it is quite disorienting for your experience to be mirrored back by so many others but also feels so validating and comforting to not be alone in it. Especially when doubting oneself is such a core feature of it. It's so painful for external reality to not match internal reality. Knowing that others are experiencing the same is so helpful to reduce the feelings of self doubt and craziness. Now to find a way to actually internalise that haha

[deleted]

4mo

You aren’t alone. You are 100% right it’s the trauma and not you. There’s nothing you have done wrong I promise.

I’m in the same boat. Recently I began having memories and flashbacks. It feels like I’ve gone crazy. My mind has been totally destroyed and I keep second guessing my own sanity. My therapist told me that I’m not crazy, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I completely understand the self doubt that comes with this. It’s so horrible. I don’t know what to say to make it go away, but you are not alone.

One-Being-9174

4mo

Thank you for your comment, it means a lot.

What you said is super relatable. I’ve also been feeling really crazy and like my mind is not in a good place.

I’ve always relied on my mind to get me to safety (academic performance and professional success to get me far far away from my family and from being vulnerable), so it feels so scary and disorienting to not have that right now. My mind is so foggy and full of flashbacks / rumination / cognitive dissonance.

I think perhaps we have to…ride through the pain. I’m really trying to trust myself and to believe myself, my therapist said it’s the most important part of all this, it’s just hard to do so consistently. Especially when believing yourself means accepting this really unacceptable thing.

I really appreciate you saying I’m not alone, thank you. Neither are you.

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4mo

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