I messed up! I shouldn’t have married and now I’m pregnant

You need to fly home asap before the baby is born and you are trapped and can’t leave.

Flying is fine. I was taking transatlantic flights for work up until week 33.

Exposing yourself and your kid to abuse? Not so fine.

I'm no doctor but I think remaining with this abusive man, completely isolated in another country, is less medically advised than a plane flight. I'm serious, it is likely that he is a far greater risk to your health than flying pregnant. Please talk to your doctor asap about the abuse and isolation you are experiencing, it could very well change the risk analysis entirely. You are not alone! Reach out to a women's shelter for support to help you get through these next steps. You and your child deserve to be safe, heathy, and supported by your community of loved ones. 

Edit- international domestic abuse resource: https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations/international-organizations

I'm so sorry!  This guy is neither husband nor dad material sadly. 

Could you possibly break up your trip home into shorter legs? Maybe even with rest days in between?  

For example, if you're in Australia and are from the UK, could you fly from Australia to India, India to Turkey, Turkey to Germany, and maybe then take trains from Germany to the UK? 

Not enough people are saying it directly. The leading cause of death for pregnant women is murder by their partner. Get on a plane and go back to your country where you are safe and have a support system. Get confirmation from your OB about flying if you need to but even with a high risk pregnancy I was told no flying in the last 6 weeks only. Please don’t let him have access to you or your unborn child for much longer. All the other advice about divorce and custody are fine, but those are assuming you will survive him in the first place. You have to get away from him as soon as possible.

Can you go to a women's shelter or afford to live on your own or with friends? This sounds like a terrible situation and you should leave ASAP.

As long as you don't have medical complications in your pregnancy, doctors typically allow you to fly until the 3rd trimester. They encourage you to wear compression socks and walk frequently. You can still leave. It's better to leave while you're pregnant than to try leaving later with a baby, both legally and logistically. It's not going to get any better after you have the baby. Do you think a baby crying at least every 2 hours is going to bring out the best in your husband?

Unfortunately pregnancy and marriage all make abusers worse. Good you know early enough and none of it is your fault. You need to do the farts thing and leave. You need a plan and some supportive people in your corner and get away. You don't need to have it all figured out but there are some really good suggestions in other comments. Wishing you all the best.

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft pdf

it won’t get any better after the baby gets here, i can tell you that much. it also sounds like a potentially volatile situation. if you are content with being a married single parent, stay married to him. if not, go sooner rather than later. it sounds like he will lose his housing when you leave, so he will likely try to love bomb you into staying

Leave that country now. Just make it work. Go where your supper network is. It will get worse when the baby is here. I have a 1 year old. Trust me.

As others have said, you need to leave. I don't care if it's medically inadvisable. Thing is, if you go home and have this baby and for some reason want to get back with your husband, you can fly back with the child. Once you have the baby in the US however, you'll be trapped. Trapped for years upon years.

You still have time to get out of this but it's slipping. I was with someone for years who wanted me to have kids in his home country but I could see that what is happening to you would happen to me and I saved myself. You still can. Good luck.

You need to read this book.

You can not let him know you are planning to leave, that will make the situation very dangerous for you. Leaving is when women get killed. He baby-trapped you before showing you how abusive he is — this is sadly common. Throwing water on him is called “reactive abuse” (although that’s a very mild act) and it’s something abusers push victims into doing so they can point at you and say “she’s abusive too.” Do not let him find this thread either!

Pregnant in Feb? You are fine to fly. Airlines get antsy about 3rd trimester, but nobody will bat an eyelid at 5 months. Book flights now, deal with divorce later if necessary but get home where you are safe as a priority.

Don’t bring a baby into this hellish relationship - get out now book a flight today and don’t look back - oh - and for your own safety and that of baby - don’t tell him you’re going!!!!

As hard as it is, it’s much easier to leave before the baby.

Many abusers don’t show their true selves until they think you are trapped. This behavior always escalates. Always. You are not safe in this marriage. Can you really not fly or are you just scared to leave?

Go home before you get any further along. Don't tell him you are leaving until you have already made it home. Good luck

Hon, better to take the risk and fly than to stay with an abusive man.

L&D nurse with ten years of experience here—

The major reason you shouldn’t fly when pregnant is the risk of blood clots, which can be managed with compression socks, plenty of water, and frequent movement.

The most common cause of death in the US for pregnant women is intimate partner violence. In terms of risk, I’d take the plane, personally. Get out before he uses the baby as leverage to keep you trapped.

Tale as old as time. Which country are you in? There are lots of places that can help in situations like this.

RUN

LEAVE, right now. Do not cosy up, don't become complacent in relative comfort and thinking about all the effort it would take. You need to leave now, go back home. Your unborn baby will be better off and so will you. Just the fact that you're already under this type of duress and stress during pregnancy can have side effects on the brain development of the foetus (see Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté).

Abusers are often on their best behavior until they can get their victim isolated from support and resources.

This often means moving to a new location, and a pregnancy.

Go home 5 to 6 month along is safe enough to fly home safely and i would let the airline know when you get there they may offer accommodations and make sure you are okay there is never a reason to stay with a abusive man and he will not change fully the baby will not make him change you are putting yourself and your child in harms way by staying do not have the baby in the us and do not stay

I would fly home asap and after the baby is born see about child support and move on past him simple!

Update: I am overwhelmed by all the responses I received overnight. I can’t imagine so many of you took your time to help and provide your suggestions. Thank you!! Believe me I am reading all the comments, but I may not be able to reply to individual comments. We are staying in different rooms for now. He came to talk to me in the morning but left when he realised I didn’t want to, he looked sad. I am safe, I have spoken with my sister in the morning and let her know the situation. She thinks it can be resolved but is planning to visit me as soon as possible. A lot of you asked if not flying is my own wish or recommended by my Ob/Gyn, it is the latter. I’m high risk and that’s why. I believe having a family member with me will make a lot of difference. I really appreciate all of you for your concern and trust me I am taking them very seriously. Last night I was feeling very low and while it is true that I do not have family here, but my work colleagues and friends are amazing and supportive, so if I ever felt the need, I can stay with them.

For those who asked if I was after his green card or citizenship when I married, the answer is no. He is not a citizen himself! Also, I am a scientist who was invited here, I don’t need his financial support. I married this man because I love him and wanted to make a family. I could manage the house/chores very well on my own so this wasn’t an issue before pregnancy. His laziness bugged me at times but not enough I guess! Please don’t assume every asian woman is after US citizenship or is a gold digger. For those, who tried to understand my situation, I am truly grateful for the support.

Please, if you can, find a way to leave now. Because verbal abuse could escalate. The verbal abuse is bad enough, obviously.

I completely understand why you threw the water. My concern with that is if anything like this happens again, he'll throw something back at you. Like his fist. His foot. A heavy object.

Can you do the flight home in shorter flights? Can you stay with other family or friends? What are your viable options that don't involve staying?

And if leaving truly isn't a viable option, can you stay in a separate room? Can you ask for space and would he give it? I'm sorry that I don't have anything that's really helpful to say here. It's so easy for me to throw out suggestions but you have to find a way to get through each day until you can leave.

Going home may not be medically advised, but neither is living in an environment of constant stress and anger. You can take a short term risk of stress (flight) or a long term definite (staying). Get your tickets and fly before you get any closer to your delivery date.

You need to leave, he's repeatedly shown you he's not willing to put the work in to the relationship or has the care for you to pick up the slack now you're carrying his child. Abusers get worse the more they feel like you're locked in. Leave him and see if the reduced stress improves your health and if it does and the docs are okay with it, go home to your family. Lots of light and the best of luck. You can do this!

You need to get away, frankly a long flight may well be safer than staying where you are.

Pregnancy is a very, very dangerous time for women in abusive relationships, and from your post it seems like you are in danger.

Please get some help to get out of the country and back to a place where you are surrounded by people who love and care for you.

It may be safer to take your chances with the plane. Once the baby is here it’ll be a lot harder to leave, and verbally abusive people usually end up escalating to physical violence.

Contact your parents or other support asap, if you don't move before baby arrives - you will be stuck till baby is at least 2 y or so. While flying is not advised - it can be an option non the less, book sit with more legroom.

If baby is born in US, you'll have to split custody, which may be an option if you choose to have citizenship for a child right away. 

I can only agree to many of the other posts - don't wait too long and get on a flight back home where your family and friends can support you. Leave this situation asap before you're tied down due to being further along or then by a newborn. He won't get better. The more dependant you are, the worse he will get. This is an intolerable situation already. You deserve being taken care of during and after pregnancy. Please run back home as fast as you can and get the support you need.

You are going to need to take that risk to fly. It's much more worth it in the long run. You reduce risk by walking inside the plane for any blood related pregnancy disorders. Pack what you can while he is at work and go home to your family.

Fly home because you still have the opportunity to leave right now. Once the child arrives, you won’t be able to take them out of the country without the dad’s permission, then you’ll feel obligated to stay.

Maybe break the trip into sections? Travel by land to as far a point as you can, then go by air for one leg of trip. Take a break at that point. Then fly next leg?

Even if you have to fly from US to SEA, you can still break up the trip into sections so you’re not doing 16-18 hours in the air all at once - but it’ll probably be a weird trip. Or maybe is there a cruise ship you could take that would get you part way?

Please do what you need to do to get to your family.

I flew at 36 weeks pregnant with a clearance from my doctor. Go to your doctor if it makes you feel better and get medical clearance, then ask for a copy of your records and pack your bags. Make up a reason to go back home if you have to, but get out of there. Good luck.

Not being able to control your actions under anger is a red flag

Move back with your family so that you can be looked after (and be safe while you file papers).

Get a divorce lawyer and follow their advice

Go home, have your baby, keep his name off the birth certificate.

I just want to say that your rage is valid. You’ve gotten a lot of other really good advice and I hope you take it to heart. But I also really want to stress that reactive rage in the face of abuse is very common. My ex husband straight up insisted I go to therapy to help manage my anger because he insisted I was the problem in our marriage. Five sessions in, my therapist is like “yeah well here is the number of a divorce attorney because he treats you like absolute shit, and doesn’t respect your boundaries or personhood…no wonder you’re so angry all the time.”

The question you have to really ask yourself is if you want to continue to put yourself in a position to be reactive to his abuse. It’s only going to get worse with this man. It almost ALWAYS gets worse. Please don’t let your kid grow up in that environment. Children notice, they know, and they can internalize abuse.

If you’re in America: run. I’m dead serious. Run and don’t look back. If that baby is born here you will be tied to him forever and it will be nearly impossible to get your baby out. Men have been doing this a lot lately(I could say some but it’s not really the time to come at me for semantics, is it?) where they are trying to marry women from Asian countries because they believe they can have more control over her. He is showing you exactly who he is, please believe him.

Calling you names when he is upset is not OK. It sounds like his family agrees with you. Could you go stay with them? Would he ever agree to go to marriage counseling? He needs to learn how to speak respectfully to you and to his child or he needs to gtfo 

Start planning. Work out when you can fly with the baby. Work out how much money you need to save to get out. Look into the legalities of leaving the country where you are with his child.

Get prepared. Go when you can.

Get his money and divorce him. Before they try to find out if he’s been cheating or spending money irresponsibly. Try to find good evidence of him being a bad husband and future father so that you get good money out of the divorce and live comfortably. No woman should suffer like this in marriage

Can you break up the flight home? Stay a couple of days in places for short stops?

Tell your doctor that you have to get out of an unsafe situation, and this is your only way, so they need to work with you on a safety plan.

Get out now.

Have you the resources to hire help? Would he be willing to work more to afford that since he is t doing his share? Do you have any faith he’ll do his share of parenting, including losing sleep, changing diapers, and dealing with a screaming baby for as long as it takes to learn to quiet it?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, consider leaving now. Depending on your overall health, maybe flying is discouraged—but unless it is “forbidden” by your ob-gyn, it is probably worth it.

He isn’t going to change and there will only be more to do for the next 18 years.

You are 4-5 months? You should be able to fly. Do layovers if you don't want to do it all in one go. But just go.

Link to a free PDF of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Can you afford say 2 or 3 flights home instead of 1. Eg with stopovers for hotels to break it up. Or a relative meet u somewhere to help.

A long flight is a lot better than 18+ years with this asshole and a child.

Leave girl leave!!!! He is only going to make your lives harder and full of poison!!! It is easier to leave now than later 😩😩😩

Absolutely fly home before the baby is born or else you will be trapped in the same state as him sharing custody forever.

You'll have to determine if a long flight would be more detrimental to you as a pregnant woman or to your infant as infants can experience permanent hearing loss due to cabin pressure.

Go go go! Get on a plane and go home now!

Imagine this was your child posting this, what would you say to them? You’d tell them to run, and to go home.

Please leave and look after yourself and your baby - trust your gut.

Definitely get out of there. He's not going to change. And it's clear he doesn't actually care. He only promises to do better when you're upset, but then does nothing to change. He never actually does anything. That shows he doesn't intend to change at all.

Leave. For the sake of mental & psychical wellbeing. Leave.

I would recommend getting an IUD placed after the baby is born so this doesn’t happen again.

If you knew him to be a lazy bum for 3 years, why did you marry him in the first place?

Ok hun, you NEED to leave this abusive man and if you are able to support your baby in your home country you NEED to return to your home country BEFORE you give birth.

Please read about the international treaty called International Parental Child Abduction (IPCA). Basically once your child is born in the U.S., you cannot take the child out of the U.S. without the father’s consent. If the child is born in your home country, this will never be a problem.

Please leave this abusive situation asap. You can’t raise your child in a home like that.

What you are describing when you threw the bottle is reactive abuse. When you are in an abusive relationship, you learn that abuse is the only thing that seems to get results and begin mimicking the behavior out of desperation.

Is there a women’s shelter that can help you?

Depending on where you are in the US could you take a boat? Cruise ship your way slowly back home? Idk...

Leave. Do it as soon as possible. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE LEAVING!!! Like others said, break the trip up in parts if you have to. You and your child still have a chance for a happy life. If you stay with him, you will be miserabele forever. Leave. LEAVE!

OP - you need to escape! If the baby is born in your husbands home country, you will be trapped.

Courts will support his parental rights and you likely will not be able to leave with your child to return to your own home country. 

You need to leave asap.

OPTIONS: 

1)  Break up the journey by having multiple smaller flights home.   E.g. U.K. > Germany > Hungary  instead of U.K. > Hungary. 

2)  Or fly to the closest country and go to your embassy who may potentially be able to provide assistance with getting you to your home country  support / accommodation & resources. . 

3)  Get on the direct long flight home, you aren’t at risk of going into labour so should be able to board any flight.  

Even with health issues you can get your way onto a plane, avoid bringing them up or maybe if you aren’t showing much claim you had a miscarriage. 

Oy I’m so sorry. This is the beginning. Save yourself a lifetime of regret. If he will verbally abuse you he is capable of the rest.

You’ve got time to leave

There is no greater stress in the world than a newborn. Get out now.

Leave. Now.

Go home now.

How are you figuring this out after you are pregnant?

Leave now before the baby is born. It will be much harder to leave when you have a baby taking all of your energy. Get yourself set up and stable away from him so that you can be safe from his abuse and your baby is too. These guys never limit their abuse to just their partners, their children will see it too and its traumatic poison to them to see

Visit Mexico or Canada on a bus to see some tourists attraction and relax. Go to the women's shelter and get advice/support while you are there. The kid will always have American citizenship claimable if his dad is American and you can get chain migration later.

Or just fly home. An abortion is your best bet though because this kid and his tie to the man will ruin your life unless you are able to get away from the man in Asia

Ideally, your partner should bring out the best in you and vice versa. You're not proud of your own behaviour and that's okay. His behaviour is way worse.

And he won't change. Ever. He's shown you. Do you want this to go on for the rest of your and your kid's life? Is this the relationship you want to model for your child?

Divorce him now, before the baby comes.  It will be faster and cheaper 

leeeeeeave now

How far along are you? Unless delivery is imminent, flying is fine.

Some states might allow a late term abortion due to the circumstances if you wanted that option. Basically you're guaranteed to have a poor outcome now. 

Just take everyone's advice and fly home. Yes, it's dangerous for the baby, but you need to keep yourself sane.

This is the easiest it will ever be to leave. It will only get harder from here.

I think flying would be fine but I’m not a doctor so if you really think it’s a concern, what about doing an itinerary with multiple layovers? That way you’re never on too long of a flight and can get medical help faster if you end up needing it.

There’s no advice I can give here that hasn’t already been said. This situation is hard and I understand that taking such a big leap to go home might feel even harder. But, I also know that you can and will get through this - you are a mom and moms are tough because sometimes in life we don’t have any other option. You will look back on this time someday, when you are safe with your child and be proud of yourself for making it through. You will feel at peace. Hold on to that future for yourself. I really do believe in you. Take care of yourself. Reach out to the people who love you for support.

And when you say medically advised is that by your own doctor or just going by general idea? Many pregnant people fly all the time with some considerations like making sure to stand up and walk, wear compression socks, etc. But Id check with your doctor and have them understand it's an emergency situation to leave.

There's ways to split up the flight depending on where you're from in Asia. Maybe fly a relative to a meeting point like say LA to Tokyo and then from there to another country than a non stop flight. It's longer but then you get off a plane and can walk around a place or seek a doctor if you feel in distress between flight stretches.

You’re about 5-6 months pregnant? What are the specific risks of flying home now?

Can you break the trip into shorter flights?

Sounds like a charmer. I'm so sorry your body got involved.

I've been there. Wanted to run away during the pregnancy and did not. It got worse gradually but being on maternity leave with kid I was dependant on him. I managed to get away only when kid was 7 and I had my own income and some powers to break it off. Still regret that I didn't run away much before.

Keep the seed and throw the package away

It may not be medically advised, but you need to escape. I wish I knew how to help. :/

!UpdateMe

Give your baby up for adoption and start fresh without your husband.

Can’t fly? Take a boat. Just get away from that man child.

It's fine to fly in the third trimester but you're advised to do it before 37 weeks, or before 32 weeks in an uncomplicated twin pregnancy. That's because you could go into labour any time after those dates . Do still check with your specific airline before you fly though.

Go. Now. Before you and your baby get trapped in this situation.

Can you make it to a domestic abuse shelter? I can 100 percent understand your fear of flying home being pregnant. I would look around for resources in domestic abuse. In my country, there are flyers in bathrooms and information at city hall. I’m not sure about where you live, but I hope you can find them!

Try to save up some of your money now and keep it in a safe place . It’s better to not let him know your plans too. Hang in there..

Oof thats a big oopsie.

If your gut says you should leave, leave.

A wittle tip from an OCD type person with a very messy mate…. Try if you can to let the mess go.

I drove myself crazy for the first 5 years of my kids life… trying to keep the household clean…

FMPOV. if everyone works full time … and they have a man and children as roommates, the house will be dirty. And if you add animals, oh fuck it all!

make piles of things that need to be put away, they will eventually get done.

Take care. I wish you well.

www.heyjane.com

You don’t have to go through with this.

Did you marry a passport bro

Why do so many women not realize a guy is a piece of shit until after they've created another human being that is half him? And why is it always the guys fault? Both of you are assholes for creating a life when you didn't even know what was happening.

If, as a couple you can afford it, ask him to pay for a cleaning service.

Spell out his financial liabilities in a divorce. Ask him if his laziness is worth its weight in child support.

First, it doesn't sound to me like you are in immediate danger - but if you are, don't hesitate to leave immediately!

To me, it sounds like you are feeling extremely overwhelmed and unheard, and that he is not listening to what you asking. Your needs aren't being met, and he is draining on you. You should not feel bad about how you acted - you didn't hurt him physically or act violently at all.

The fact that he agrees to do better is a good sign, along with the fact that others will talk to him. But the fact he doesn't stay committed is not good.

Making a decision can be hard, but it is worth it, and it is far better to do it now rather than later!

If I were you, I would do the following: 1) Take some time away, go somewhere - go stay with family or friends for a few days. This is not to "leave him", but rather to give you time to decide what your rules and boundaries will be. Simply tell him that he has not kept his earlier promises, so you need to take some time apart from him and figure out what to do. 2) Once you have had some time to calm down and figure out what is not OK, what needs to be done, etc, then you can clearly communicate that with him and move forward based on his actions, holding him accountable (and asking others to do so) in a regular way. You may find the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay" very helpful for this. Counseling may also be helpful. 3) From there, his actionwill determine the future. Hopefully, he is willing to step up because he recognizes how serious this is. He may not, in which case you certainly would be better off without him.

Many people simply don't recognize how serious issues in relationships can be, despite it being brought up again - so be willing to speak up boldly, and stick to your boundaries. Good luck!

Can you get an abortion??? This kid will become like the dad. And also treat you and women like crap. Or if a girl becomes a victim like you. Can you run away and give the kid up for adoption? Can you leave and renounce your parental claim like guys do?

I'm pretty grossed out by all these people telling you to abort. Please don't. Your baby deserves a life. I would take that precious child if you want. I would be a great mother and I have no children of my own. Please message me if you want to talk.