Not having kids is NOT selfish.

I love kids, and I've always wanted them. But a few years ago I had to finally come to terms with the fact that my mental health just isn't stable enough. It most likely never will be.

How on earth would that be considered selfish? To not have kids even though you want them since you know you'd never be able to care for them properly...?

I've heard the take that it's selfish to your potential future children not to have them. Which is a batshit insane take since they don't exist.

But the “muh legacy”, “I want a mini-me”, “I want someone to take care of me when I’m old”, “I want someone to play catch with” types are not selfish? Hmm.

What really gets me is that the people who say “NOT HAVING CHILDREN IS SELFISH!” usually list selfish reasons why you should have children.

“Who will take care of you when you’re old?”

“You can’t TRULY experience love if you don’t have children!”

“Becoming a parent makes you a better person!”

Was talking to a conservative guy about not wanting kids, he literally asked me "who is supposed to hold the border when the Russians attack then?" I'm like, yeah, I totally wanna go through all the pain of having kids, loving them more than anything, just so I can send them to become war chow. Sounds like the dream. 

This so hard. It has always blown my mind when people say not having kids is “selfish.” And they only say this to women, of course.

Excuse me? Show me where your child ever asked to be born.

And then they have the audacity to think their children owe them. No one owes you anything for a decision you made without their input. No one owes you anything for doing the bare minimum for someone you forced to be here in the first place.

What they mean is, “how dare a woman decide what she wants to do with her life for herself, rather than doing what I told her to.”

My mom thinks I’m selfish I’m not having children because she wants a grandchild.

The hypocrisy, it burns.

How dare I deny a hypothetical man his "legacy"!

As a child I always wished that my mom had the abortion she wanted so that my spirit could inhabit a kid whose mom wanted children. I just want people to know that this was my childhood fantasy. I’m surely not alone on this.

That's pretty rich, considering what comes out of their mouths when you ask "why have children?"

"Who's going to look after you in your old age?!"

So you're having children so you have a built-in caretaker later?

"I have to continue the family line!"

What's so special about your lineage, Cleetus?

"Children teach you what real love is!"

You're forcing a child onto the planet to teach you lessons you should be teaching them?

If there's a truly selfless and altruistic reason for having a child, I haven't heard it in over five decades of life.

It’s always interesting when people say I’m selfish for not having kids and ask “who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” As if having kids for the sole purpose of having free help when you’re elderly is selfless.

Of course these people never consider the possibility of having an ill or disabled child and therefore can’t help them, or a child they don’t have a good relationship with, or a child which simply doesn’t want to spend their life caring for their parents in that way. Go and ask anyone who works in a nursing home how many people there have their kids come visit them every day, or even a few times a week. It’s not very many. Children are not a guarantee you’ll have it made as an elder.

I used to work with kids, and I’ve seen first-hand the effects of disengaged/resentful parents. It’s devastating, and children can sense it at very early ages. I’ll never understand why people wish children on people who don’t want them.

Paraphrasing a Tom Segura joke, but what's more selfish than creating a miniature version of yourself and loving it more than anyone else.

Many people feel like they have to have kids due to the societal norm, i suppose. That's probably why many say these kinds of things, and feel like you shouldn't have the freedom to choose whether or not

EVEN if I'm being selfish SO???!

I actually have to laugh because have you noticed the work and labor that goes into child reading that's mostly fine by girls and women FOR FREE everyday is never substantially acknowledged for how hard it is except for maybe one day a year BUT the moment women decide not to have kids the panic begins and we get accused of being selfish?? It's funny to me lol

I don't want kids because I don't want my kids to hate me for bringing them into a world that will ecologically collapse due to climate change and give them a much worse future than me. I think they would never forgive me and would have a tough future. I would love to adopt though since the child is already born. So no it ain't egotistical.

I never really understood the "if you dont have kids youre selfish" mindset. Its not like there's a pool of kids out there waiting to be conceived. Also one can argue having kids in todays society is in fact quite selfish. The people that argue the former probably are just regretting their own life choices.

As someone who decided not to have kids, for us, it was totally a selfish decision. We like our life, we like to travel, we like lazy mornings in bed.

Bless you for your 'selfishness'.

Signed, a selfish old lady.

Ergh! My older millennial coworker mentioned that it's selfish while talking to me once and I'm still mad. My husband and I don't make a salary that would support children (and if it did, it would be just barely). In my opinion, it's more selfish to have kids that I can't financially provide for and miss out than to focus on me and my husband. And this is coming from someone who wants kids, I just understand my limits.

That's not even including the environmental impact of having a kid.

There are more regretful parents than will admit desperately looking to find fault in childfree people in order to justify their own bad life choices.

I had an epiphany about this the other day!

Selfishness implies that you have an obligation to have children. If you don’t meet your obligation, you’re selfish.

You don’t have an obligation to have children. Only a choice: to have or not to have.

THANK YOU!!!

I'm super happy some boomer hasn't said this to me yet because I'd definitely make them cry.

I've always wanted to have children and have my own family. It's crushing to realize that it's unethical to have children. I really wish that wasn't the case, but that's the state of our world. The most impactful thing any individual can do for the environment is not have children.

My husband and I have discussed this topic a lot. It seems like a lot of people have children for their "legacy" and/or as an involuntary retirement plan. Those two reasons are incredibly selfish! Your legacy means jack-shit to everyone else, and saddling your children with your elderly care is downright inconsiderate.

My Trumper parents believe in the "Great Replacement Theory" (thank you, Tucker Carlson). Next time I see them, I'm going to tell them I'm not having kids because the Deep State contacted me and said that we've reached our white baby quota.

'every time you ask a parent why they had a child, the answer always begins with 'I wanted...'.'

Not having kids when you don't want to be a parent is the opposite of selfish. Children deserve parents who love them and are happy to be their parents. People who for whatever reason don't want to be responsible for an entire growing human being are valid.

I'm a happy mom, good for me. You're happily child free, good for you. People who try to push their beliefs on others suck. Don't let them make you feel bad for making the right choice for yourself.

It's only "selfish" if you truly believe that women's only value lies in birthing and raising offspring. Deciding to opt out of parenthood is the opposite of selfish if you have no interest in parenting ffs

This world is vastly overpopulated.

Having children is selfish, not having them is good for the planet.

It's literally impossible to take a lecture from a member of the most selfish generation in human history about selfishness seriously.

Having kids is selfish. Not having them is the real altruistic behavior.

I have kids, but every time I see or hear about people even being questioned about why they don't, it infuriates me.

When I was in my 20s, a co-worker who had no intention of having kids asked those of us who have them why we did. Honestly, my 3 were unplanned and it made me stop to think. I came to the conclusion that, for me, the reason to have kids should be a desire to raise good people who will make the world a better place. Rejecting the bad parenting you experienced and doing better for your own children. Raising better people to help create a better society, generation by generation, improving. Until she asked me that, though, I hadn't really given it much thought; it's just what you do. Yes, I know that sounds unbelievably stupid. I've also come to realize that a lot of people have kids as default as well.

My mother had 9 pregnancies, 7 births within 9 years, with the intention of tying my father to her. Married to a much older (she was 18, he 32) alcoholic with 3 kids from a prior marriage. Luckily for me, I was the 6th and they divorced when I was 4 so I have no real recollection of their marriage. Neither I nor my siblings are very well adjusted nor particularly successful. Of them all, I have the least fucked up life and they, to a degree resent that. They all pretty much perpetuated our parents' mistakes and live pretty much the same life of chaos and dysfunction. I pretty much rejected all of my parents' behaviors. I was,by no means, a perfect parent. But, after that girl's question and giving it some actual, conscious thought, at least had an idea of the gravity of being a parent.

My kids had a better life than I did, their kids are having an even better life than they. I got lucky with a wake up call. Without it, I could have easily slid into the same patterns.

I admire and respect the thought you've given it and your willingness to shut down people who question your decision.

Proud to be childfree

If you compare the “why it is selfish” of having-kids vs not-having-kids you can come up with a lot more reasons for the having-kids column. For most of human history children were considered one’s legacy, meaning they basically existed as an extension of the self into the future. What could be more selfish than dragging a being into existence solely to carry your name for you when you’re gone?

Some people act like having a child is a selfless act, so refusing to have one must mean you're selfish and don't care about anyone else.

Having a child is not selfless. It's the result of sex, which anyone can do. It's not a noble act, it's just biology. Childrearing requires a sacrifice of time and resources, but feeding, clothing, sheltering and supervising your kids is the bare minimum required by law that anyone not living under a rock should be aware of. You don't get a medal for not neglecting the child/ren you chose to create.

Not having a child is not selfish. True, you can dedicate more time and resources to your personal desires but the key is that no one is being deprived because the kids you aren't providing for don't exist.

Having a child and then refusing to care for them IS selfish. Unless force or control was involved, you decided you wanted a child for whatever reason. Maybe you wanted parent status, a legacy, a future caretaker, a picket fence fantasy, someone to love you 'unconditionally', someone to shape in your image, a living toy to play with, who knows? Maybe you were just really horny and didn't bother to consider what came after. If you had a child for any of these reasons and then resent your new obligation to see to their welfare at the cost of your social life and disposable income, you're a selfish parent. The same goes if you have multiple children but favour one because they look a certain way, possess certain talents or were born with a particular set of genitals. There's nothing selfless about getting disappointed because you're having yet another girl.

You know what is selfless? Fostering/adopting a kid with no expectations of getting something in return because they need a supportive home. Sacrificing your time and resources for a kid you didn't create because they need someone in their corner. How many couples refuse to adopt because they couldn't fully love a child that wasn't their own? Or because they saw foster kids as damaged goods compared to a shiny new baby? Of course, not everyone is equipped to adopt given the major trauma that can be involved but the sheer determination of some people to have 'their own' tells me it's not about the sacrifice of raising a child, it's about what the parents want and expect of their offspring.

Absolutely agree. One thing I've also noticed is some of the people amassing children don't seem to acknowledge that those children are actual human beings. They treat them more like accessories and points on their score card.

OP, I appreciate how focused you are and how unapologetically you've claimed your life choices. I'm so glad you see your truth and don't let a condescending comment throw you into a tailspin. Stay true to yourself!

God and Jesus are both, on record, the most deadbeat dads to exist so it’s real fun to have large parts of global fatherhood modeled around them for some reason.

love this! i've had some really similar experiences when talking to family, friends, and even some therapists. also, i love your username lol, let's go!

I've always wanted to be a mom. And the older I get, the more I feel like having kids is the selfish choice. Life is hard, and none of us got a decision in being here. As the world gets more complex, people need to be thinking longer and harder about their ability to raise kids into healthy adults. I know I'll be a great parent who can provide a good life and foundation for a child, and that's the only reason I feel comfortable with having kids. Max two, though, because I recognize my limits.

I have given birth to and raised (well I am still raising them) five children. The decision to bring them onto this planet 100% was WAY more selfish than if I had decided not to have kids.

LOL fr and then there’s people doing IVF and shit but no one ever comments to those people’s faces about how selfish & odd their choices are

It's super weird because I chose.to have kids for myself, and I consider what I did SO SELFISH. We added more people to the world that is already buckling under the weight of too many humans, and decided to do so biologically instead of adopting kids that already exist and who need homes.

All this more my own, selfish reasons: Raising a family is something I wholeheartedly wanted as part of my life experience, and I wanted to meet the people who would be a biological cross between me and my husband.

And they're lovely, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, and I NEVER forget that having them is a privilege, not the default life experience, and that their existence is overall a selfish decision on my and my husband's part.

Yeah the longer you think about the social obligation to procreate or carry on your family lineage the weirder it gets. Wouldn’t it be selfish as fuck to give in to that pressure and subject a child to this world?

You are also doing far more to combat climate change than foregoing the odd flight now and then.

Yeah the world is getting over populated anyways. Having no kids actually means one less selfish cuz they are choosing not go with that instinct to pass on the genes.

Yeah, I’ve never understood the argument that it’s selfish to not have kids, especially when most people either have kids to create a legacy, to not die alone, to have a living doll to dress up and create social media content with, to have a person to live through in areas they have failed (pushing kids into sport, etc) or all of the above.

I mean it would be pretty cool to say “my line ends with me”

For me, parents are the selfish ones. They literally create someone who now has to exist in this world.

Girl, preach! Sounds like we could be siblings in another universe. My parents also thought they were doing the Lord's work by populating the planet like rabbits. Result? A circus of dysfunction! They'd rather play Bible Bingo than show an ounce of real love or responsibility. Meanwhile, my siblings are like a walking PSA for what happens when you mix neglect with bad decisions. But oh no, choosing not to bring more chaos into this world makes us the villains, right? Like, sorry Karen, I'd rather binge-watch Netflix than raise mini versions of our hot mess family drama. Self-care, right? So let's raise a toast to breaking the cycle and reclaiming our sanity, one child-free decision at a time!

yeah some ppl dont care if the world turns worse as long as they get to fawn over the little babies in their little onesies

I've never understood how living your own life in the way you want to live it is "selfish", of course I'm "selfish", it's MY life for MYSELF.

isn’t it more selfish just to give birth to a whole-ass human just because you wanted one?

If anything, having kids is selfish af

It always seems the other way around to me. Having children can be entirely motivated for selfish reasons. Passing on their genetics, raising a mimi-me for their own ego, someone to clean up after them, someone to force into a specific path for success so their child can take care of them when they're old.

But IS selfish because who is going to pay for my Social Security?!?! 😆

Having a kid to have a “mini me” has always sounded pretty fuckin selfish to me lmao

I always ask….selfish towards who? I’ve got one kid but I wholeheartedly support people for not wanting to. Shiiit, I’ve gotten side eye for just having one before. Who is the selfishness effecting? The answers are also towards them, towards hypothetical kids. Neither of these things are answers that non-selfish people give.

Strange logic to think that bringing a person who doesn't even exist yet into this world is some selfless act. 

Selfish is more the opposite if you really think about it. Like, why was it ok for me to bring my kid into a life of human suffering because of some biological impulse or desire to "be a parent". 

When my second one came, I felt even more crippling guilt taking the attention that was much needed for a child away from my first and now subjecting a second child to this world. 

Now, I'm having a planned third child. Wtf is wrong with me? Is the real question here. 

No, I encourage not having children and I'm a mother. There's more valid and objective reasons why NOT to have children than there are to have children, which the latter is always subjective or just plain reckless. 

Yes in fact having kids is almost always a self serving decision. It was for my mom, and she knowingly risked making a person like me with the same debilitating health problems.

Well I must be “lucky” because I got hers and more and now I’m in my twenties with no hope of recovery, no ability to go to school or work, no way to make money ever and no support from the government (they don’t think my illnesses qualify)

I can’t participate in life at all. I have lived like this since I was a teen, 10 years of this shit and I’m like, no way am I staying for another 60 years.

Don’t be surprised if your kid ends up like me and resents you for bringing them into this world. There are a lot of people who genuinely don’t want to be here, for valid reasons, yet they tell us we are mentally “sick” and just try to drug us out of these feelings, without bothering to resolve the actual problems that are causing us to feel this way.

If you want having kids to not be a selfish decision, you have A LOT of work to do to make this world a hospitable place for children to live in. I recommend starting with the medical care problems first! And keep in mind any child will grow up and they need a way to survive on their own. The economy is getting worse with each generation. Can you really promise your kids a future where they can “make a living”? Last time I checked minimum wage hasn’t been a living wage in decades.

I agree, choosing not to have children is a personal decision and not being selfish. It is about recognizing your needs, desires and making a responsible choice for your self. Your experiences highlight the importance of thoughtful parenting and the impact it can have on future. It really takes courage to break away from harmful patterns. Just keep staying true to yourself. Always remember this YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, YOU ARE EMPOWERED.

I believe the decision to have a child is the most selfish thing (but I want one!) but then if you have one you need to treat parenting as the most selfless thing.

It is not selfish! It is the most thoughtful and mature thing you can do to realise that perhaps you need more time before you have a kid. The people around you have been abject failures because they didn't have your maturity or intelligence.

My kids don’t want kids and I’m fine with that. Yes, at first I was a little sad, but that was my issue, not theirs. I can’t imagine thinking that they are obligated to have children just because it’s something I want them to do. And I can’t help but worry what kind of world the next generation will inherit, given how much has changed since I was growing up in the 70s/80s.

My two adult kids are happy, well-adjusted and healthy humans with their own decisions to make, and I like it that way

Ironic too because it's the one thing you can do to help the environment the most... it's people like me who want kids who are being selfish lol

Most choices in life are selfish. That's just part of being a person. I've decided to embrace it. Whenever someone calls or implies that I'm acting selfishly I follow it up with, "yea totally, I always put myself first!" So few people admit to doing that or show jealousy that they can't actually prioritize themselves.

I've had a hard enough childhood that I'm fully aware bringing a kid to life without the financial backing is just fucking cruel.

I didn't even get to be a happy single digit child. My best years were wasted not experiencing anything good or fun. I don't even have pictures between the age of 2 and 12.

People who want everyone to have kids as if it's a must are fucking stupid.

I thought about having kids a long time ago, and apart from seeing the amount of dedication, time, and sacrifice required to give them a good upbringing I also realized that I genuinely prefer focusing on me, and enjoy having the freedom of movement to go anywhere, or do anything. I don’t make a lot of money but it is enough to give myself a decent lifestyle.

and acting like you are a messiah for half-assing (if that) a job that YOU SIGNED UP FOR.

Preach.

I think when it comes to America, often having kids is about not having options! So backwards. But yes, I agree, if you have a choice, having a kid you don't want is terrible

I have kids, I wanted them, when I didn't want any more, we went through the medical route to ensure there would not be any more. I'm sure some people you know would say that is selfish, and against God's will or whatever, but you can't please everyone so you should do what works best for you. It isn't selfish to not have children if that's best for you.

Having kids is selfish, I fully admit it

The only way I can think of to actually argue it being selfish, is that you aren't doing anything to balance out the quiverful 'raise 'em in ignorance' people. It is a gift to the world to raise sane, balanced, healthy, people.

Technically though, you don't owe the world shit so it isn't really selfish to say that you aren't giving any more.

I'd love to be a mother, but I'm in a wheelchair. Carrying a child to term would be difficult, then what happens when they grow up? I couldn't be the hands on parent I would've liked to be and there's a chance they'd be taking care of me while they're in their teens/early 20s. I couldn't do it to them.

My best friend and I have always talked about how we feel like choosing to have children is the more selfish decision. With overpopulation and pollution and the state of the world, how is having children the better choice? I chose to get pregnant. When I did, I felt that I was making a selfish decision. Maybe that’s an unpopular opinion, I dunno.

It sounds like there are a lot of problems in the family regardless of reproduction. Plenty of well off people do not have kids too, but they probably have savings. That said, the demographics in 50 years are going to be troublesome with so many older people and relatively few young adults to support them. I wonder how the political landscape will look like then..

I always thought it is a selfish choice to have children. It’s a choice merely based on what you want. I have a baby <3.

It can be and that’s ok. My wife and I are not having kids because we both realized we want our lives to be about us and the things we want to do versus caring for a living being. We want to sleep in some days, we want to take impromptu trips without having to prep how we will feed and care for a child during the trip. Romantic dinners by ourselves, music festivals, concerts… Simply put, we selfishly want it to be just us lol

I mean....even if people want to make the argument that it's selfish...so what? It's MY life! I think if I'm going to be selfish about anything, that's a pretty important thing to be selfish about.

If anyone makes this comment to me, I just lean into it and happily agree and it honestly throws them. Being selfish is sometimes a good thing and I'm not going to be demonised for it!

I‘m a dad and I think HAVING children is selfish. My son didn’t ask to come into this messed up world! He’s alive because we wanted a life with children. It’s not up to the unborn to clean up the mess we made it’s up to us

I’m a white woman. I have two kids that I grew and birthed vaginally no meds at all. It was torture the entire time of the labor birth process. I love my kids more than anything. 

With that said.

I’m extremely pro-choice pro female rights. Having been pregnant and giving birth twice solidified it for me.

I cant understand the fascination with thinking every born female should just have kids. wtf is that?? Why the fuck does anyone care ?? I won’t even get into the million reason why it’s none of anyone’s business. Why. Do. You. Care?? Is it your boredom asking that question cuz I just do not get it.

Both having children and not having children all have degrees of being selfish, and that’s ok.

Okay, but not having children IS selfish. But that's fine. Like, really. It doesn't make you a bad person. Having kids is also selfish. But again, that choice doesn't make you a bad person.

I say this as someone who is childfree by choice.