The doctor muffled his microphone and frowned and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“Mr Jones, as a publicly funded hospital, we are not permitted to provide life saving medicine or palliative care to adults of reproductive age who score below 75 points on their Patriotism Tracker.”
But I'm here because I can't move my limbs!
Yes, now we're getting into some dark shit.
Reminds me of that scene in (I think it was The Pianist) where the Nazis push the guy in the wheelchair off the balcony for not standing at attention.
How’s this one land? Any thoughts?
The part I liked the best was the last sentence, hope it worked the way I intended.
Anyway, open to all feedback and criticism!
Given that the country in question does not have free healthcare already, your horror is actually (somewhat) better than reality is.
Your story implies some significant share of the population gets medical aid for free, at least.
In real life, it’s either have a thick wallet, be extremely lucky, or die.
We actually do have some state-owned hospitals, they're just not free. The idea of those places turning people away for not being patriotic enough is terrifying.
Especially since what you define as patriotic seems to vary person to person. With some definitions very much would mean that only bigots in bedsheets and gun nut shoot first ask questions later a-holes would get healthcare in the USA.
Yep. This is a terrifying story that sadly highlights terrible aspects of our terrifying reality.
The fact that you didn't mention "of reproductive age" qualifier, it also has implications I suspect the that the care options for old people (which the state likely views as a drain on resources) will be much worse. And the state of peadeatric care exists to enable children to grow up enough to support the state
It may also imply that if the person needing treatment is a woman that not being pregnant would lower her patriotism score. As where else will the state get enough human beings to throw into the meat grinder of international war
Which country?
US. The Supreme Court is deciding right now if people have the right to recieve life-saving emergency care at hospitals.
It’s actually funny that since emergency care is currently considered a right, it is devastating the health care costs since hospitals have to provide emergency care but don’t get compensation for it. If the patient can’t pay the hospital ears the cost. And with lots of people under/not insured, a lot have medical issues so bad they have to go to the ER more with worse conditions.
It actually makes little sense to not fund any healthcare yet force doctors to treat emergency care for free. That is the most expensive and least effective method. That’s 1 reason why everything else in the hospital costs so much, they’re recouping costs of treating people who couldn’t pay.
Just letting people die isn’t any better of course but it’s like the abortion position of conservatives. Care about the fetus but once it’s born, it can be torture raped and killed and they’ll celebrate it.
This is why Romney and some other Republicans and conservatives were in favor of forcing people to obtain health care coverage, to help take the burden off of emergency rooms being used by the uninsured.
Then Obama took up the idea and all of a sudden they were opposed to it. Kind of like the border security law that was voted down.
User deleted comment
1mo
I believe frivolous tort claims are much rarer than you have been led to believe. Primarily by the companies that stand to gain by spreading this rumour.
See also: the woman who sued McDonald's for their coffee being too hot.
Against companies, yes, they're rare. In medicine they're more common. Former presidential candidate John Edward (D) is part of the reason we have no domestic manufacturer of flu vaccine from back in his days as an ambulance-chasing lawyer. It's pretty sad that corporations get more legal protection than our doctors.
We can provide better and less expensive healthcare if we limited the for profit organizations from profiting off of people's lives.
Healthcare isn't expensive because of malpractice insurance payouts, it's expensive because of people like Martin Shkrelli who think it's perfectly fine to charge 10000000% cost to produce lifesaving medicine because either you pay or you die.
Any company who provides medical care should be forced to be a not-for-profit organization, no more for-profit hospitals.
Any company that makes equipment needs to sell, not lease, that equipment, and have a max of 20% net profit from that equipment AS WELL AS release maintenance manuals included with the machines so hospitals can employ their own maintenance staff instead of paying $500+/hr to hire a company maintenance man for the machine. (Yes, this is the actual price for MRI maintenance in 2021. Keep in mind, the actual tech makes like $25/hr max.)
Pharmaceutical companies should not make more than 50% net profit on a drug developed in the past decade, and 10% on any drug developed more than a decade ago. And if they receive government grants to develop the drug, they should not be able to patent it.
If we enforce these three measures, healthcare costs in this country would drop more than 90%.
Edit: Please keep in mind I said net profit. Net profit is after all expenses for manufacturing such products are taking into account, including payroll for the employees, electricity for the building, cost of materials, and shipping.
I actually happen to agree with you on this. Add to all that the stupid regulatory costs that are cited as a reason for the hyper-inflated costs.
Does the drugs net cost include all the r & d work done before manufacturing can begin? Over how many years should the r&d costs be split?
That's the reason for the increased price for the first decade. Keep in mind that almost all pharma companies mostly subsidize the work with governmental grants.
Your edit is in direct contrast to the rest of your comment - maybe consider which is accurate to your beliefs, and sort out the cognitive dissonance.
Thank you, I didn’t know about that so was confused to the extra context! I know the US has a lot of problems with healthcare though of course.
That’s a horrifying new level.
Okay what the actual fuck.
That shouldn't even be a fucking debate. This country is fucking awful.
Blame Reaganomics; Hinckley should’ve been a better shot.
In real life
Not to be that guy, but countries with good healthcare systems exist. Though I guess being born in those countries could be considered 'extremely lucky', so nevermind.
Your story implies some significant share of the population gets medical aid for free, at least.
No it doesn’t. It assumes that they get cared at all. This story outlines that you will be denied care entirely. Not that it would be an option if you could pay for it, or even that it would be free if you were more patriotic.
Hadn’t thought of that….
At the very least hospitals do have to treat you when you show up to the ER, they can’t let you bleed out on the floor. The bill comes later but the debt collector isn’t allowed to kill you either.
Why is there a microphone?
I was trying to imply that doctor was being monitored too, and that his patriotism score would be negatively impacted if he didn’t seem to fully support the system.
Any advice as to how I could have clarified that?
Oh I see, I was thinking like an auditorium lol. Based on the comments I don’t think this detail was a big sticking point for people.
I think the story is very lore-heavy for 2 sentences. Which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just hard to cram in all of the information you want to get across. I’ve written a few like that and it really makes you hone your editing skills. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I think the upvotes on this are definitely deserved and proportional to the quality of the story, which is more than I can say for a lot of these lol.
Thanks for the feedback and insights, much appreciated :)
Maybe something like "murmured too quietly for the listening device/bug to hear"?
Maybe…
For what it's worth, it seemed pretty clear to me
Thanks
I really liked this one! Very Black Mirror
Thanks! Loved that show
Oh, I really, REALLY enjoy this concept. Particularly for me the horror of forbidding medical personnel from even expressing empathy or sympathy to those they are forbidden from assisting is very visceral! Would you be okay if I were to try and expand this concept into a short horror story at some point? If I do, I’d love to get your input on how I play with your idea! 😁
Thanks for the feedback and for asking!
Absolutely love that you picked up on that, I really liked the idea of sympathy being agains the rules, and the rules being monitored
Also, absolutely it’s fine with me if you adapt this into a longer short!!! I’m happy to have written anything that gives you inspiration.
I would love to see your take on the idea and look forward to the expansion :)
Please be sure to link it to me so I can read it!
Also, for what it’s worth, if you didn’t already have this idea (the concept) kicking around in your head before reading my twofer, I’d also appreciate a shoutout/ credit in the comments/ authors note :)
Oh, absolutely, credit for the idea is the plan, it’s why I wanted to ask so that I can be fully transparent about where I got the idea from! If I end up writing it I’ll tag you and link to this post 😁
Cool! I hope you do right it’s sounds great :)
Your second sentence is interesting, but makes it less scary. You could stop at the first one.
I disagree. I like the implication behind the doctor having to cover the mic
I just started reading the bobiverse books, and a scene like this happens early on. Once of the doctors (or scientists. The line seems a bit blurry) is treading a fine line between telling the facts as he sees them and getting sent for reeducation for the crime of criticizing the government.
That's literally as far in as I am, so far, so nobody tell me which some of the line he ends on
Do you have any recommendations for how I could show the doctor us also being monitored for compliance without sacrificing the horror of the first sentence?
"The doctor muffled his microphone with shaking hands"?
It's not very good, but maybe something like that could help show he's scared and as much under the governments control as the patient is
Maybe a nervous glance upward at the camera in the corner of the room before a whispered "I'm sorry"?
I like that, thanks!
You could make the second sentence from the doctors pov “this isn’t what I thought it would be like when I signed up for medical school, care rationed based on reproductive potential and allegiance to the party, but fudging the patriotism score could get me {insert whatever crazy dystopian punishment seems best}”… But honestly I like the premise, if this was the opening to a novel I’d keep reading :)
Oh, I like that. Thanks!
It lands like the system was taken over by Eggman.
It lands poorly for me, considering multiple people in my country go bankrupt for medical reasons every day. Losing your house because your kid got cancer is unthinkable in every other developed county.
America is a healthcare horror story as is.
I also live in a state where if I miscarry, I'll have to go septic because they'll perform an abortion. 🙃
Ah, makes sense
Should have kept it as just the first sentence
Appreciate the feedback
The sympathetic, but ultimately determined doctor was ... oof. That really sent it home.
Thanks, I’m glad it worked
For a second I thought the doctor was being denied care.
Is it clear enough or do you recommend changes?
I got it when I reread it. I'm assuming the doc is apologizing to a patient.
Perfect, thanks :)
I would argue that the second sentence is unneeded.
Kinda detracts if the Doctor isn't looking for excuses to not provide care.
Sounds like China.
I was worried only the Chinese read 1984.
With the mike still covered, he said my insurance wouldn’t cover it as it stands so for about ten grand he could personally record my scores at a sufficient level for providing competent and insured care.
First sentence is maybe a bit too long, but I like it.
Thanks, any suggestions as to how I could have trimmed first sentence?
I would mostly trim some words. "Mr Jones" doesn't add much imo, same with "life savings".
"As a publicly funded hospital, we are not permitted to give medecine or care to to adults who scored lower than a 75 on their Patriotic Score."
I get what you want to add, and your version would be better in a bigger context, I think. But in a two sentence, I think fewer words make more impact.
I disagree about the "life saving" being unnecessary. It makes it clear that we're probably talking to someone whose guts are hanging out of his belly, or something, not just a sprain
Thanks! This is helpful
I think your first sentence is a bit detail-heavy. I might cut the phrase "life-saving medicine" because I don't think the dystopia you've portrayed here would want to admit that the medicine could be life-saving. I think just "palliative care" gets the point across well enough while being closer to the vocabulary I'd imagine them using. Also, I don't think you need to include "of reproductive age" - unless i'm missing something, that detail doesn't add much to the horror. So the first sentence rewrite I'm talking about would look like this:
“Mr Jones, as a publicly funded hospital, we are not permitted to provide palliative care to adults who score below 75 points on their Patriotism Tracker.”
. . . which I think sounds a bit cleaner without losing the complexity of the situation.
As far as the second sentence goes, I really liked it once I saw your explanation of what it was supposed to mean, but I'll confess, reading it on its own I did not pick up that the doctor was afraid of being overheard. Reading the comments, it seems like I'm not the only one who didn't quite get it. I might actually add more detail to that sentence for clarity's sake. The rewrite that comes to mind for me is as follows:
"The doctor muffled his microphone, casting a fearful glance around before daring to whisper, “I’m sorry.”
. . . which I think does a better job emphasizing the doctor's fear without becoming too wordy.
(Sorry for the formatting - I'm on mobile - and also for writing a damn essay. I hope some of these suggestions were helpful. Fwiw I thought your story was excellent.)
Dunno ... Cutting it to only palliative care kinda implies they're just refusing pain meds. If I was going to trim it down, I'd go with "we are unable to provide emergency care" or something to that effect. At least if the intent is to convey that they're literally going to let him die on the front step because of his lack of patriotism
Good point! That version adds a lot more urgency. But I think refusing palliative care is its own, subtler kind of horror.
I picturing hospital wards with the workhouse moan echoing through the halls.
Speaking of workhouses, I'm now picturing the grandchildren as indentured servants to cover Grandpa's pain medication.
Dang, we're starting to get a detailed dystopia here
Amazing how two sentences can imply so much! I was imagining the government using medical care (and other publicly funded services, really) as a lever to keep the public in line. Speak out against its actions too much? Your Patriot Score goes down, and then you can't receive medical care, send your kids to public school, etc. People are kept in line by the knowledge that too much rebellion means slowly being cut off from society's essential services. And of course the idea that the government can keep a Patriot Score to begin with implies a very disturbing level of surveillance. I would happily read a longer story in this setting - there are a lot of possibilities.
This sounds a lot like the most hideous applications I've heard for China's social credit system
The most disturbing horror parallels reality :/
This is legitimately great feedback, super helpful. Your rewrite is excellent, thanks!
You're welcome, I'm glad you found it useful!
:)
Honestly, the first sentence alone tells enough of a story
I appreciate that, thanks
It's cute. Thing is, the system we have now is worse. There are people with full insurance coverage who are opting out of critical treatments because they can't afford their deductible. A lifetime of limited mobility, pain, or increased chance of just dying is better than guaranteed bankruptcy and burdening your family with insurmountable debt.
In your fascistic dystopia, it's suggested that as long as you're willing to play citizen and wave the flag, your country will take care of you. That sounds like a pretty good deal, comparatively. I would fail, but at least I had the choice between towing the line and being a bit of a rebel. Right now I can do everything right and still not be able to get the care I need.
Ironically, the real horror here is that a fascist system was able to come to power by promising healthcare to its citizenry, and that despite decades of lambasting such a thing as ‘communism’, people just happily went for it. Entirely realistic.
Oof, good points. Hadn’t thought of that
Of course, from the point of view of a nation with public healthcare, what you described would be a nightmare.
"now please use this cloth to wipe up your blood on the way out"
I think it would be more horrific if the doctor wasn’t apologetic.
/r/Helldivers is leaking
FOR LIBERTY
[Comment under investigation for treason]
Gotta agree with others saying this is actually better than American healthcare currently. And that sir, is the real horror.
Ah, the glorious super earth healthcare system.
[Comment under investigation for treason]
So much world building in two sentences. Well done
Thanks :)
“No worries,” said notorious hacker Dan Jones, a smile appearing on his face, “thanks for the info and see you tomorrow!”
Is this a reference to something? I don’t get it
Hacker plans to hack into the system to give himself enough points to qualify for healthcare.
Ah, I see.
Oh, yay, a creepily realistic depiction of the horrifying possible future of the United States.
Wow this one’s really good, I love the kind of futuristic but realistic look on it, great job OP
Thank you!
The best horror accurately represents reality. Two thumbs up 👍 👍
Thanks :)
Seems like that’s the way China and their credit score is heading. High scores really don’t get anything of value. Low scores are publicly shamed, denied access to loans, blocked from buying cars, renting homes, etc.
Wouldn’t be surprised if they started doing this too in the near future.
I actually really like the idea of a social credit system, but of course it has too much potential for abuse.
Had an idea a while back for a social credit style of dating app, where people who confirmed in person meetings could then rate eachother on a couple social measures
Not really horrific.
Would make a good premise for a short story (in the lines of f 451 or brave new world)
Pretty sure this is how some Russian and North Korean hospitals already operate lol
Why is it not really horrific lol
Because it's something that is pretty much the case as "the norm" in quite a few places today already.
And depending on your viewpoint, it could be spun that contributing members of society ARE getting all the care they need...
Some would even view a sense of patriotism as a "good" thing.
And even if the story was real, the patient is obviously an idiot of they couldn't fake some sort of support of the system to get the care needed.
Any suggestions as to how I could ramp up the horror or is the concept jsut a flop in this format?
There's a military recruiting station set up in the next room. Sign up for a tour on the Canadian Front, get an instant boost.
Ooh, damn
Not apologizing would ramp the horror up a notch or two. This is one of those where all you need is the one line.
Thanks!
My personal feeling, is it would be better fleshed out in a short store format.
However, getting rid of the patriotism aspect, and making the test about a gene or racial profile might up the ante.
I did like the pallative care aspect as the person would be doomed to suffer for the remaining time. It's tough in 2 sentences though to follow through on this one.
Where is the twist?
The dr would love to help but can’t
This reminds me of that Black Mirror episode with Bryce Dallas Howard. Love that
What was the episode about? I loved black mirror but I don’t know who Bryce Dallas Howard is
It's the one where everyone rates everyone else on a 5 star scale. The people can't get any of the perks unless their rating is high enough. The episode is called Nosedive
Oh, thanks
Helldivers moment
What is that? somebody else mentioned it too
Suddenly, Indy found the strength to stand up, walk up to the stage and sucker punch the doctor so hard that he blacked out, much to the amusement of every other person who was denied life saving medicine.
Social credit deducted for sadness
At least anyone can show patriotism and they’ll get free healthcare
Your social credit score has been increased by five points for this post comrade
😅
r/unexpectedpeoplesrepublicofchina
IS THAT A NEVERMOOR REFRENCE?!?!??!?!,
Nah, not a deliberate one. I don’t know what nevermoor is.
Geez, the public hospital in the neighboring Blue state just turned me away because my Woke Score was too low.
5 missing replies
and whispered "You scored a 74, you should have stood and saluted me when I entered the room."