I am extremely disappointed in my therapist. I started working with a therapist 3 years ago, my ex husband started working with her first and felt she was a top tier therapist and since I needed considerable help (according to him), only the best of the best therapists could heal me. We did both individuals counseling with her and also couples. Seemingly, the couples therapy just didn’t get us anywhere. I wanted to continue it but my ex husband fell off the wagon since he felt that my issues were more individual problems than couples problems. So anyway, I continued working with her. During this 3 year period, I felt that I voiced many concerns about my ex’s behavior towards me and my daughter, questioned his mental health and the therapist always validated me and confirmed that his behaviors were abusive and he potentially was going through psychosis. I was under the impression that everything I was telling her was being addressed with him as well. However, nothing was changing in our relationship - things just progressively got worse. The other day, I was dropping my daughter off to my ex’s place where my ex got extremely aggressive and intimidating towards me. This was the first time I could describe him as a complete monster. I called the therapist right away and shared my concerns for my wellbeing as well as concerns for his mental state. She assured me she would check on him and at this point tell him straight up that he needs medication and to see a psychiatrist. I felt relieved that she was finally going to be direct with him. Coincidentally, after the interaction with my ex, my ex for some reason sent me the recording of the therapist talking to him. I was completely blown away that the therapist did NOT advocate for me at all in front of him, let alone mention anything about suggesting him to take medication or see a psychiatrist. In fact, she validated his getting in my face, raising his finger at me and his voice and said that it was my responsibility to leave the situation if I felt it was unsafe and that she had NO concerns about my ex being a threat in any way. The rest of the convo my ex was calling me a effing bitch, how I was a diseased woman, that he just want me dead, and at no point does the therapist call him out on saying any of those things. I feel extremely gaslit by both my ex and now the therapist who I trusted was helping me for the past 3 years. I want to confront her about this but don’t know how without sharing that my ex sent me a recording of their conversation and that I will likely be made out to look like the crazy one in this whole mess. Am I misunderstanding the therapist’s role here or is my disappointment justified?
Has my therapist been gaslighting me for the past 3 years?!
AdviceWhile it’s not illegal therapist who works with couple and individual people in that couple for me is a red flag. That therapist cannot remain objective and they cannot discuss what you told them with your partner! So she was lying. Everything you have told her cannot leave the room and she cannot discuss anything you said in your ex therapy. But overall - ditch the T. She’s unethical and never ever go to the same individual therapist as your ex.
I really didn’t want to work with her for this long, but initially it started as couple’s therapy and then my ex became demanding that I only see her if I wanted our marriage to work. I also understood the implications of her working with both of us, but my ex was/has not been entirely honest with her about our circumstances and his mental state - so I thought by having my perspective as well, she could better help him and guide him to the right support. But I don’t understand why she couldn’t hold him accountable for the things he was saying about me during their conversation. It’s all such a mess and I am shocked that she was misleading me this whole time.
You seem to be still thinking she should be on your side as your therapist but she is also his. And as his therapist she has also obligation to him - also positive regard and validation to an extent. That’s why it’s such a bad idea to have the same therapist for both of you. You seem to be thinking she’s aligned with you but she does not represent your interests there. She also represents his.
I understand that but she is making strong enough claims to tell me that he is possibly schizophrenic or in psychosis? Who is going to address that with him if not the therapist? I am not saying she completely agree with me on everything or take my side, but when there is ongoing abuse, a child involved, I am isolated from sharing his behaviors with anyone - I only had the therapist as a support to help me navigate co-parenting with this man? I mean, she’s ultimately just telling him what he wants to hear, she is doing the same thing by telling me “he needs a psychiatrist, he needs medication” but she can’t bring that up to him, why?
Why are you isolated from telling anyone else about his behavior? Don't hide his abuse. Tell every friend and family member you have. Shout it from the roof tops that your ex wants you dead. Let them listen to the recording he sent you.
Abuser's get away with a lot because no one talks about it.
I moved countries to be with him. He has cut off all his immediate family members and I am not allowed to be in touch with them. He has delusions about his family members abusing him, out to get him etc and has convinced the therapist that his family is abusive and he is the scapegoat. I have tried to tell the T that while his family isnt perfect and have had some issues with him, his portrayal of them isn’t accurate. The T does not believe me and feels his memories cannot all be false but then at the same time has told me he could be schizophrenic as well. Anyway, when he cut his family out (2 years ago) he said he would divorce me if I made any contact with them, out of fear of this, I stayed loyal to him. But he left me regardless. I haven’t reached out to his family because the T has continued to advise me against reaching out to his ‘abusive family.’ Other than that, I don’t have any close family or friends in this country. I have only disclosed all this info to the T thus far hoping she would help me resolve this mess.
Time to stop giving in to your ex husband’s unreasonable demands.