I am extremely disappointed in my therapist. I started working with a therapist 3 years ago, my ex husband started working with her first and felt she was a top tier therapist and since I needed considerable help (according to him), only the best of the best therapists could heal me. We did both individuals counseling with her and also couples. Seemingly, the couples therapy just didn’t get us anywhere. I wanted to continue it but my ex husband fell off the wagon since he felt that my issues were more individual problems than couples problems. So anyway, I continued working with her. During this 3 year period, I felt that I voiced many concerns about my ex’s behavior towards me and my daughter, questioned his mental health and the therapist always validated me and confirmed that his behaviors were abusive and he potentially was going through psychosis. I was under the impression that everything I was telling her was being addressed with him as well. However, nothing was changing in our relationship - things just progressively got worse. The other day, I was dropping my daughter off to my ex’s place where my ex got extremely aggressive and intimidating towards me. This was the first time I could describe him as a complete monster. I called the therapist right away and shared my concerns for my wellbeing as well as concerns for his mental state. She assured me she would check on him and at this point tell him straight up that he needs medication and to see a psychiatrist. I felt relieved that she was finally going to be direct with him. Coincidentally, after the interaction with my ex, my ex for some reason sent me the recording of the therapist talking to him. I was completely blown away that the therapist did NOT advocate for me at all in front of him, let alone mention anything about suggesting him to take medication or see a psychiatrist. In fact, she validated his getting in my face, raising his finger at me and his voice and said that it was my responsibility to leave the situation if I felt it was unsafe and that she had NO concerns about my ex being a threat in any way. The rest of the convo my ex was calling me a effing bitch, how I was a diseased woman, that he just want me dead, and at no point does the therapist call him out on saying any of those things. I feel extremely gaslit by both my ex and now the therapist who I trusted was helping me for the past 3 years. I want to confront her about this but don’t know how without sharing that my ex sent me a recording of their conversation and that I will likely be made out to look like the crazy one in this whole mess. Am I misunderstanding the therapist’s role here or is my disappointment justified?
Has my therapist been gaslighting me for the past 3 years?!
AdviceWhile it’s not illegal therapist who works with couple and individual people in that couple for me is a red flag. That therapist cannot remain objective and they cannot discuss what you told them with your partner! So she was lying. Everything you have told her cannot leave the room and she cannot discuss anything you said in your ex therapy. But overall - ditch the T. She’s unethical and never ever go to the same individual therapist as your ex.
I really didn’t want to work with her for this long, but initially it started as couple’s therapy and then my ex became demanding that I only see her if I wanted our marriage to work. I also understood the implications of her working with both of us, but my ex was/has not been entirely honest with her about our circumstances and his mental state - so I thought by having my perspective as well, she could better help him and guide him to the right support. But I don’t understand why she couldn’t hold him accountable for the things he was saying about me during their conversation. It’s all such a mess and I am shocked that she was misleading me this whole time.
You seem to be still thinking she should be on your side as your therapist but she is also his. And as his therapist she has also obligation to him - also positive regard and validation to an extent. That’s why it’s such a bad idea to have the same therapist for both of you. You seem to be thinking she’s aligned with you but she does not represent your interests there. She also represents his.
I understand that but she is making strong enough claims to tell me that he is possibly schizophrenic or in psychosis? Who is going to address that with him if not the therapist? I am not saying she completely agree with me on everything or take my side, but when there is ongoing abuse, a child involved, I am isolated from sharing his behaviors with anyone - I only had the therapist as a support to help me navigate co-parenting with this man? I mean, she’s ultimately just telling him what he wants to hear, she is doing the same thing by telling me “he needs a psychiatrist, he needs medication” but she can’t bring that up to him, why?
Why are you isolated from telling anyone else about his behavior? Don't hide his abuse. Tell every friend and family member you have. Shout it from the roof tops that your ex wants you dead. Let them listen to the recording he sent you.
Abuser's get away with a lot because no one talks about it.
I moved countries to be with him. He has cut off all his immediate family members and I am not allowed to be in touch with them. He has delusions about his family members abusing him, out to get him etc and has convinced the therapist that his family is abusive and he is the scapegoat. I have tried to tell the T that while his family isnt perfect and have had some issues with him, his portrayal of them isn’t accurate. The T does not believe me and feels his memories cannot all be false but then at the same time has told me he could be schizophrenic as well. Anyway, when he cut his family out (2 years ago) he said he would divorce me if I made any contact with them, out of fear of this, I stayed loyal to him. But he left me regardless. I haven’t reached out to his family because the T has continued to advise me against reaching out to his ‘abusive family.’ Other than that, I don’t have any close family or friends in this country. I have only disclosed all this info to the T thus far hoping she would help me resolve this mess.
Time to stop giving in to your ex husband’s unreasonable demands.
You are definitely misunderstanding the therapists role here. AND you are justified in feeling disappointed. The therapist mislead you and should have set firmer boundaries about their scope of practice, which from my understanding is far away from what you're describing. The therapist should probably have been feigning ignorance about even still working with your ex when speaking to you, and vice versa.
Thank you for clarifying this.
We did both individuals counseling with her and also couples.
Each of you should have had your own therapist.
the couples therapy just didn’t get us anywhere.
If he was abusive, she shouldn't have offered couple therapy. It is well known that abusers in couple therapy manipulate the whole situation.
he potentially was going through psychosis.
This is a dangerous situation.
it was my responsibility to leave the situation if I felt it was unsafe
Wtf!!! Victim-blaming.
Am I misunderstanding the therapist’s role here
This therapist is terrible. Are her qualifications even real? Did you verify that she is even registered anywhere?
Please find someone with experience in domestic abuse and who is trauma informed. This therapist is causing harm. She is not helping anyone here.
As someone who just left (in the last 3 months) an abusive marriage, I truly don't think couples counseling can do anything to remedy this. Couples counseling is for couples who are both ready to show up and heal the relationship. Your relationship didn't need healing. Your ex needed therapy and consequences. You need a safe space to heal from your ex. I wish your therapist had been able to see and advocate for this, but I'm willing to bet they lost their objectivity in the mix of it. I hope you are able to seek individual support now as you process!
That recording? You should send it to your regional ethics board with your complaint.
Because any T that says get in your partners space and its not your responsibility is she feels unsafe is dangerously unhinged and unethical.
She didn’t say that he should get in my face and yell at me, but she definitely didn’t tell him that it was wrong or inappropriate either. He told her that my fear for my safety had to do more with my abusive and violent father and I was projecting those experiences on to my ex, and she validated him on that. Honestly, after that recording, I really thought that maybe I imagined that whole encounter on my own and maybe my ex was right all along in that I am in need of severe help.
I am too scared to send that recording to anyone. I think it could have extreme consequences for both him (given that he is saying things like he wants me dead) and the T.
Hmm, I would say they both deserve extreme consequences, but if you're afraid, that's legitimate.
Make sure you don't lose the recording and avoid both of them. They both sound pretty crazy.
I also have no idea why someone would send a recording like that?! The kind of mental torture it is to listen to someone say awful things about you and another party just be complacent about it…I can’t shake it off. The only good thing that came out of it is that I now know that working with the therapist is going to be of no benefit to me moving forward.
So... essentially, the recording in itself led you feeling like you imagined the entire thing.
But in the post above, you mention how your last interaction with him is the first time you can truly say he behaved like a monster - and now, in this recording, you have proof that he is discussing harming you to a professional who is legally obligated to report his behavior and doing nothing about it (showing no proper concern, etc)?
You aren't crazy.
Keep the recording. Next time he acts out, record him, too. Build your case. Cover your bases. Think about how all of this is affecting your child, not just you.
I was raised under the thumb of such a man, and we felt like we couldnt do anything about it either for the longest time. They were wrong. This has nothing to do with your upbringing, or the past. This is happening in the present. This is your child's life. Their childhood.
Do not let him inflict upon them the same things we went through. Get a fucking restraining order. You, and your baby, deserve better than this. Fuck him. Fuck that therapist. Make them regret mistaking you for someone they can push around.
This isn't just you they are messing with, hon. It's your child. Think about that. Don't let him darken the brightest years of their life.
Maybe the reason he dares to bring up your old man is because he knows damn well he's acting like a Bad Dad himself, and treating his child's mother the same way.
He is your ex for a reason. Stop worrying so much about his wellbeing. You and your child come first. Stay safe, first and foremost.
I appreciate you understanding my perspective. I completely agree that I should no longer be in touch with my ex or the therapist. I have been trying to be civil and considerate of his mental health issues and didn’t want to deprive him of his daughter. He has voiced to the therapist and myself that he has suicidal thoughts, so I really didn’t want to cause him further stress by getting the court or authorities involved. I figured if he does have schizophrenia or something of that nature, then the therapist and I should be actively working to get him help. But this whole thing has turned on me. Now that I have some more clarity that the therapist cannot effectively provide me (and him it seems) the help we need, I need to figure something else out, like get lawyers involved so at least I can continue to be sane enough to raise my daughter well. So sorry for your rough childhood as well 🧡 your comment has been extremely helpful. Thanks so much 💕
I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best.
You aren't responsible for his wellbeing. That's between him, and his care providers. If anything, his instability is an unfortunate circumstance that he needs to understand is a negative influence on his child's life. He needs to get his shit together, rather than shift the blame onto anyone other than himself. Disorders are not an excuse to act disorderly.
He won't learn without something happening that makes him realize he is in the wrong. From what I can see, thus far, his behavior has only been enabled.
You've got this, girlie. Show your daughter what it means to be strong in the face of adversity.
I don't know how old she is... but speaking as a child (now almost 30) who went through similar, if she ever asks about what's happening, don't lie. Maybe sugar coat it a bit, but be honest. Use it as a learning experience to help her empathize and appreciate not only her own self worth but also recognize red flags she needs to avoid in the future should she ever come across similar situations.
This isn't to say yall need to stay away from him forever. There are such things as supervised visitation, where an officer or social worker are present for the sake of safety or some such. My dad had that with me.
I'm no longer in contact with him of my own volition, but it was my choice. If you want to do that until your daughter is old enough to guage the situation herself and take her stance, then go for it... but I will say that I was wise enough to start trying to cut my dad off when I was six. I gave him plenty of chances over the years, and he butchered it every time. Children are more intuitive than we give them credit for, even if they don't know how to articulate those complicated feelings.
You can keep a line open for her. Let it be her choice. Know that the fault, no matter what he says, is never yours if they ultimately lose contact.
My mom struggles with blaming herself to this day, and my dad still accuses her because he cant look in the mirror. That's why I share this with you.
Their separation will never, ever, be your fault if it comes into reality. It is your job to protect her, but the choice to truly leave him behind is hers - especially given the ease of communication in this day in age thanks to technology. He's only ever a phone call away, if she wants to talk to him.
You need a lawyer to help you protect yourself and your child.
There are no consequences for wishing someone were dead unless they have an actual plan and intent.
Isn’t this situation a conflict of interest ? Should she be seeing both?
You can report this therapist to the licensing board in your state because ethically there is a dual relationship here and it’s not appropriate what this therapist is doing. There are also issues with confidentiality. I recommended reporting them.
She needs to be reported to her licensing board, with the recording as part of the evidence. She should never have been seeing both of you individually, ever.
You’re allowed to contact whoever you want, including his family.
I’m so sorry you went through this.
So she’s an extremely reputable and well-known therapist in the area. I don’t want to reveal too much about her identity but she has been in practice for over 40 years, has a huge client base, has been a professor of psychology at prestigious universities/institutions. I am not equipped mentally or emotionally to go after her. I am just thankful for the clarity and validation I have received on this post so I can steer clear from further engagement with her.
Also, in her defense - I think she was really hesitant to take me on individually but she knew my ex had set an ultimatum that either I see her or leave the marriage. So in some way, she felt sorry for me and took me on, I think?
You have a pattern of excusing bad behavior. This is a chance to break that pattern.
It's not "going after her." It's making a report to the licensing board about unethical behavior. It doesn't matter how long someone has been in practice or how "reputable" she is. Do you want her to continue to do this to other clients? Causing harm? If she has poor boundaries (which this is evidence of), she needs supervision and/or therapy of her own to manage it. If she was seeing your ex, then she could have told him that she couldn't ethically see you (true), so there was no point in making an ultimatum. She could have offered to give you referrals to other therapists that she knew. There was an ETHICAL way to handle the situation, and she didn't choose it.
So unethical. Terrible.
Yep. He was wrong. Then she was wrong. Then go on Reddit.... Really.
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