Update: I asked for a phone check-in because I found it too distressing. She said we discussed it in session that she does believe me. I feel crazy because I was really trying to listen for it and never heard it. But I’m also relieved.
Original post:
So. I have a relational psychodynamic trauma therapist who I generally liked for the first year of therapy. We've had a rockier second year (half way in, give or take), but she is good at a lot of the basics and I usually think she's pretty great.
In December I decided I would try to get into some childhood trauma in January, as there are some current life circumstances that have brought issues up. It's been tough, but in most ways she has been helpful. She's a good listener, she helps me ground when needed, etc.
I have some memories related to the CSA, but more memories around it that point to it (these are firmer and corroborated by family members, and include physical evidence that was noticed by multiple adults in my life at the time). Based on the evidence reported to me by adults, there is more that happened that I don't remember, although again, there are a few things I do remember.
So early January, I was gearing up to work on this and had a really strange somatic experience that may have been related to a CSA experience, although it's not one I recall. I told my therapist about it, had a panic attack in session. In talking about it, I got really panicked about whether it was real or not. There's obviously no way to know. But then I started to panic about whether all of it was real or not. My therapist reassured me that this is something that can happen to survivors. She told me it's OK not to know and we will just gather more data to figure it out.
I have this awful feeling now that maybe my brain made a lot of stuff up. I mean, I don't really think it did. But what if it did? Memories of abuse, memories of conversations with my parents/my doctor -- what if I made it all up? I get this overwhelming feeling in session that I'm doing something terrible by trying to talk about these things when I might just be making everything up. It feels awful to talk about it in this state.
I explained this to my therapist and she said this is all normal. I still hate the feeling of doubting myself, so I wrote up everything I could remember. Tons of stuff I have never shared with anyone, and at the next session I read almost all of them to her. In writing it up, I had gotten myself to a place where I did feel like I could say *something* happened, for sure (again, this is odd to write, because in my normal life, when I am not actively working on telling someone these things, I do feel like they happened). I was hoping since I got to that point, my therapist would kind of meet me there, and say it made sense to say *something* happened. She did not. She said again we can't know and invited me to just wait before drawing any conclusions.
It's really hard for me to distinguish between this and not being believed. I told her this, and she said that's not what it is, but I cannot make sense of it. I'm not saying I necessarily trust every memory 100%, and I don't have a clue what to do with this new somatic experience, but I feel so uncomfortable that she can't say that she sees what I shared as legitimate signs of CSA. I went over the whole thing again today and she again won't say she doesn't believe me, but also said we have to wait and "gather more data" before being able to say what it all means.
I feel so confused and upset over how confusing this is. Can someone help me make sense of this please? Preferably a therapist or client with experience doing trauma therapy from either side.