When your spouse tells you you're "not good at being a parent."

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I think this is a tough place to be for you both. 

You got frustrated with your kids, and then your spouse got frustrated with you. I would not totally dismiss what he said in the heat of the moment - do you feel like he had a point to make (that he could have maybe made in a nicer way)? Do you think it's possible that he's tried and you haven't heard him? 

This is a great opportunity to chill, reconnect, and make it an "us vs. the problem" moment. Are you feeling frequently overstimulated? Do you snap at your kids more than you'd like to? In general, are you receptive to suggestions from your husband or do you get defensive? 

It's worth a conversation when everyone has calmed down. Not a fan of any partner saying "always" or "never" in conflicts because hyperbolizing is the same as demonizing.

My own mother was constantly yelling and frustrated with us. I often wondered why she had kids or was a teacher. My brothers and I are fairly low contact with her. 

Being a mother has made me understand her more. She was actually a great mom. There's a lot of my childhood I want to recreate for my child. 

However, I put in a ton of work on myself when I was getting divorced and when I'm not sure I'm handling myself well with my child, I definitely seek out help. She has a very challenging personality (much of which I share) and I want to do better. Some of the reason I do that is because I want my child to be more emotionally intelligent so that she doesn't make some of the choices I do. I married a real jerk and excused most of his behavior because he was so much like my mom that I thought it must be normal. 

Some other commenter's also make a good point about whether you're sharing the responsibilities with your spouse. I've personally experienced that life is much harder when you're expecting to share the load with someone, but you're really carrying the whole load. I've never been lonelier than when married. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

I think it’s hard on the end that it gets overwhelming, but I try to remind myself that I am my children’s safe space and they naturally want to be close to me, and one day they won’t. They’ll have friends to go see, regular plans that don’t involve me and their own homes. It really helps me to think about that before yelling at them to “go away” and I try to tell them “Mama needs 5 minutes by herself and then I will be right back!” And if they ask why… tell them! I say “sometimes grown ups just need a few minutes alone, but it’s not your fault” which helps because we try not to yell at them, they’re just being kids! I would let that sit in the back of your mind for a couple weeks and just pay attention to the things you say and see how truthful it is, if it’s not then have a sit down talk with your husband.

A different perspective… I’m VERY LC with my own mom because of the constant yelling. I couldn’t stand it. She yelled at us 24/7 and told us all the time to get away from her, that we stressed her out, etc. It really caused me to emotionally shut down because unless I caught her in the perfect mood, she was clearly very annoyed with me or my siblings even if we wanted to talk about our day or we wanted to show her things. She juggled practices and showed up for us, but my siblings and I always knew “don’t talk to mom” and “be extra good so she doesn’t scream” and it sucked. My parents divorced because my dad couldn’t take it anymore and we all lived with my dad full time… he took time to listen, to play and never really yelled. Hes a great “talker” and helped us actually understand things. I’m an adult now, married with kids and the years of yelling and being so mean… I have no desire to rebuild a relationship with her.

Personally I would listen to what he said and audit yourself over the next week or so to see if there is merit to what he is saying. 

He could have said it nicer but it’s true if you consistently treat your kid like that, they won’t want to spend time with you. 

How you talk to your child becomes their inner voice. You shouldn’t yell and send your child away all the time. But was he helpful or take some of the stress off of you. Idk

Listen to what he is saying and evaluate if there is any truth to it. We rarely hold up a mirror to ourselves.

He didn't say you weren't a good mom in ANY capacity. He said you were good at the responsibilities and less so the emotional stuff.

I grew up with a parent like that and it fucked. Me. Up. I carried that forward and realized I was doing the same thing and have had to make hard changes within the way I react. I have to apologize for HOW I get upset, not that I was upset, when I am imperfect and fuck up.

No one is a perfect parent, but I would encourage you to consider if you are mirroring the behavior you want your kids to exhibit in their own lives when you interact with them.

I totally get it. My husband is such a great dad and always makes time for the kids. I struggle with my loss of freedom and have a tendency to disappear when things get hairy. I think it’s worth a long (or several) conversation with your spouse about expectations. Not just that, but get to the root of what he’s saying. If my husband says I’m being a B, then he’s probably right. It hurts to hear what he said, but if there’s any truth to it, u have the power to change. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Being a mom so so fucking hard. Good luck.

As an older mom I look back and wish I would have had more patience with my kids. We don’t always see that though. Try asking nicely can you keep it down mommy needs some quiet. Or implement quiet time.

My mom often told or yelled at me to be quiet. She'd often send me away to my room, or outside wheb I was trying to spend time with her. She was a single mom so I'm sure she just wanted time to herself but that definitely has caused issue in my adult day to day life I'm still working to correct.

I feel rejected very easily when my spouse just wants time to himself. I constantly worry about annoying people because then they won't want to be around me anymore and probably more I can't think to list right now.

I'm not saying you're a bad parent, or your gonna ruin your kids or anything. I think maybe you just need to try to remember the reason they bug you and hang around you is because they love you and want to spend time with you. When you send them away like you mentioned in this post they may start to internalize that you don't feel the same.

It can be really hard sometimes especially if you are the one who is home with them more.

Talk to him and let him know that sometimes you just need a small break, my wife was a stay at home mom for a few years and I had to tell her to go out for lunch or dinner or even just go shopping alone.

Getting time away from the kids can really help reset you. As the one working it may not have been a brake from anything really, it was not having little people up in my shit all day.

Sometimes dad forget that moms a lot of times can’t even poop with out little people talking to you needed your attention or whatever. Let him know how you are feeling and let him know you just need an hour or two once a week or every other week. Really whatever you feel you need…. To reset.

Was your child making age-appropriate noise? How old is he? Did you tell him to be chill in a constructive way, e.g. redirecting or supporting him if he was struggling to follow that instruction for whatever reason? When you say you snapped at him, what exactly does that mean? It could mean anything from saying his name in a slightly impatient tone of voice to completely losing your shit.

Your partner obviously feels you're falling down in this regard, and it sounds as though he's generally complimentary when you do things right, so perhaps this merits a conversation about what's going wrong and why?

Kids are loud if that bothers you often and you end up snapping at them you might want to look at noise reducing earplugs. They decrease the level of noise. My autistic friend uses them to deal with crowds you can still hear people talking to you and such it’s just not as loud.

Um… that was 5 very big statements from him all At one . Ouch. Has this come up before or he unleashed a beast ? I’m noise sensitive and about to order Loops for myself. I too have a partner that is able to tune out sooo much noise from hyperactive kid that I am not able to do

I don't think you are a bad mom.

But I think what your husband said about being overstimmed might be very on point.

I might be wrong, but have you ever considered that you might be on the spectrum? Many adults don't know they are. It seems that noise and likely bickering and stress might be when you struggle. ( I think it's very hard for all parents to deal with ) But if you are finding it harder to deal with then you think most people would or you feel you behave or think differently while under that stimuli, you might want to consider if you have some neuro diversity.

If you think you do, understanding neuro diversity and identifying what you struggle with might help you make meaningful changes.

It might not even be neuro diversity, but I think try identify the source of the feeling about why the noise and fighting is so triggering for you.

Having kids is great, but it also REALLY sucks sometimes. What you need is an escape. When you're feeling overstimmed, you need to leave the room quietly, and go do something else. Go on the porch and read a book. Go into your bedroom, put on headphones and listen to something. Do a chore or work on a project. Anything to calm your head space. Then return to the room when you're able. If the kids ask where you went, just be honest and say "sometimes mommy gets overwhelmed when there's a lot of noise" and leave it at that.

Remember, this is YOUR issue, not theirs. Every time you snap at them or tell them to stop they internalize it, until they start believing that they're "bad". Let them be them, and you handle your shit like an adult.

Sounds like he’s been holding that in and finally had to tell you. He’s being protective of his kids. Also sounds like you are probably burnt out and you need to figure out how he can better support you so that you can be the mom you both want you to be.

I don’t think the rest of us can tell you. Maybe ask your kids how they feel or check in on yourself. Your husband might just be a total d*ck. Or maybe he is right. Some of the comments are eye roll inducing. Moms are entitled to say they need some me time without their kids saying they were emotionally damaged. But yah, screaming or raging is not good. Modeling being a parent who knows how to make space for themselves is a good thing. I have lost it on occasion, but I self correct, tell the kids I will try to do better, and admit when I am feeling overwhelmed. That way they know how to do the same. But I also say, honestly, when Mom has a lot to do and it is making me stressed out. I used to not. I used to try to be perfect. But my ex was not helpful and now I am a single mom and it’s even more on me. I won’t raise my kids to think moms are perfect and unbreakable. We are not and that’s really unfair to put mothers on some kind of pedestal. So when my son is a husband he hopefully will be more of a partner. When my daughter is ready to marry, she will make sure to choose a real partner and won’t hold herself to unreasonable expectations. All that being said, if you are raging a lot, your husband AND you should figure out the root causes and address them together. He shouldn’t just attack you out of nowhere. But my ex did have legit rage issues and was MEAN at times. So I can’t tell. Are you cruel or mean? Are you yelling or just kind of having a mom explosion? A sitcom moment with love or like you want to hurt your kid with words?

In my experience, the parent that’s constantly yelling, in a bad mood, irritated is because they’re overstimulated and stressed out. Why? Because they do more work.

Why are the “mom responsibilities” on you? Is your husband doing his fair share of those?

It’s easy to be the fun, kind, patient, gentle parent when all you have to do is play with your kids. It’s harder when you’re also the only one managing night wakings, early mornings, drop offs, pickups, packing diaper bag, packing lunch, groceries, meal planning, dinner, dishes, laundry, bath time, bedtime, extracurriculars, summer camp registration, appointments, birthday parties, play dates, etc.

My husband sends him away and then immediately lays into me.

Listen to him.

Don't be one of those parents who in 18+ years wonders why the kids call/hang out with their dad but never come home.

He didn’t insult you or try to turn the kids against you. He straight foward told you what he has observed, and that you didn't deny.

Being yelled/screamed at is traumatic OP. Especially when you are a helpless/powerless child.

It stings I know, but I prefer people like you husband who kindly and privately tell you something.

Listen and work on it.

If you are struggling with emotional regulation, then that's a valid concern for a parent to have of their partner. Not only can that potentially hurt your kids in the moment, but it provides a less than ideal model for your kids to learn from.

My guess is that you are probably a pretty good parent overall, but this is definitely something you should consider working on if what your partner said is true. If not for him, for your kids.

It sounds like you need to up your parenting game, and he needs to up his partnering game.

It sounds like the two of you need to come together and figure out how to parent as a team. 

If he says you are being too snappy with the kids then it’s probably true, but he did not approach it as a partner. He should have let you know it is an issue and asked how he could help. 

One thing to consider is that it's not whether you need them to adjust behavior, but how you ask.

Kids, in general, are happy to make us happy. They are oblivious little twerps that have no concept of personal space or natural empathy (they notice but have no idea what it means. Or they just don't notice. Depending on age/personality.)

If we provide them with the information that they need to understand what they see, they will usually adjust behavior a whole lot more gracefully than if we tell them what to do.

I have to say that i understand perhaps that he shouldn’t have told you this at this time but it seems to be something that he’s noticed and it just spilled. Yelling and screaming at your kids is not normal, if you are having a hard time regulating your emotions than yes you do need to work on this/get help. This does not make you a bad mom but if you continue to do nothing about this issue i would say then you would be one because you are subjecting your kids to this behavior that they would eventually find acceptable too. I think your husband also needs to find a better way to communicate about what is going on in the relationship. Always tackle problems with kids as an “ us” mentality.

When my son was 2, I tried telling my wife: if she keeps treating him like she was, she's going to damage that relationship. When he was 6, I filed for divorce. We had 50/50, but my son hated being with her. He eventually started running away from her house to mine (less than a mile). He's 7 now, and I have full custody. Neither the police nor the courts will force him to spend time with his mom since he doesn't want to be there. I try to help that relationship. A boy needs his mom. My wife is the only one not in therapy, and she needs it the most.

My point is, listen to what your kids and partner are telling you, even if they're bad at saying it. Once the damage is done, it takes years to undo (if it's even possible to fix it).

Question: is your husband hands on or is he a complainer?

This conversation is one thing if he's hands on and trying his best to be involved, but if he's just critiquing and not helping (I'm wondering how much *he* asked the kiddo to be quiet here or what he did to help out) then it feels shitty and judgmental.

I kind of agree with him, but I'll admit my reasons are a little biased. I'm sure you're not a bad person, but the mother of my kids actually is.

When we were together she would SCREAM at them to shut the fuck up and to leave her alone when they were distracting her from playing around on her cellphone.

My mother was also a screamer and I hated it as a child so i had absolutely no patience for this and told my ex that our children are allowed to play and want their mother's attention, and she was not allowed to raise her voice and curse at them like that.

Of course, then she would start throwing dishes and smashing stuff, so it kind of gives you an idea of how emotionally unstable she was.

After we seperated, CPS wanted to talk to me and they told me that there were currently 3 active CPS investigations/reports against her for things like pulling my daughter by her hair in public and hitting/shaking me son(1year old at the time).

Now again, i just want to emphasize that i'm not accusing you of doing the same, but simply that i agree that when it comes to children we need to learn to have more patience and not raise our voices and scream at them. It shows a fundamental failure on our parts as adults to control our emotions.

I've always talked calmly, quietly, politely, and softly to my kids and as a result they respect me and are very well behaved when they are with me.

If they don't listen for whatever reason i'll simply speak more stern and with more authority, but never with emotion. Punishment is never enacted in anger, but as a matter of fact.

You did not behave, you have now lost your privilege for this set amount of time. If you would like this privilege back you best show me that you can improve your behavior, and if you don't you will lose another privilege.

This can range anywhere from taking her electronics to being grounded to her room, with the exception for outdoor play with her friends. I don't take that away because i believe outdoor exercise is important to a healthy mental/emotional state of mind as well as burning the excess energy that caused the bad behaviour in the first place, but also because it help develop her social skills which can also be beneficial.

My son is a bit younger so time outs still work on him, which usually results in him coming to give me a hug after 5 minutes with a complete 180 from the tantrum that got him there.

If i show emotional instability by getting angry at him, it'll only show him that anger is a valid tool to use when he's upset. Instead i try to display the kind of calm demeaner that i want him to emulate.

Well, I think that we are not born a good parent. I think the maturity as a parent and becoming a good parent is a gradual process. An uphill battle also. It's not easy. But I think it helps to get books out of the library or access information online that inspires us, so that we can take the situation as we don't handle very well and study and learn how to improve at them. When we get better at having a really good tool box of resources for initiating in responding and addressing issues with our kids and our own challenges We become more patient and resourceful, because we have more ways of dealing Instead of just pushing them away, and leaving them on their own Regardless, one of the things that motivates a lot of us, is that if we do a good job as a parent, then they have more of a chance of growing up and flourishing and being functional. And if we suck as a parent, they have less of a chance of doing that, and then the probability of us, suffering for many many years with a dysfunctional kid who didn't get what they needed from us is greater.

Parenting is so hard and so triggering. I hold my temper well and I’m patient but even I snap at my kid from time to time. However if this is a more regular thing and you’re finding that you can’t control it, it may be time to seek therapy. My husband is in therapy for a variety of reasons but one of them is definitely to work on his reactions in general to stressful or anxiety-producing situations. It’s working!

I’m a highly sensitive parent and get over stimulated often. Being a mom is a lot. Whenever I am feeling like I’m going to lose my cool I take my daughter outside. It is instant relief for me. The noise of children is diluted outside. Maybe try to schedule breaks (whether it be your husband or someone helping or the tv) so you have a set time that you can have 10 minutes of quiet. Meditate, take deep breaths when you are starting to feel frustrated. And always repair with your children.

I don’t think you’re a bad mum, but I would take very seriously his comments because if you are overstimulated and yelling and unkind, you need to fix that quickly.

I think your husband’s approach was wrong; there’s a lot that goes into being a mother, and because of the instincts that babies come out of the womb with, their reliance on their moms is usually much higher than it is on their dad. However, I don’t want to take the meat away from the criticism that your husband gave. If you are frequently snapping and not communicating, which while understandable, isn’t sustainable for you or your children, then your husband’s approach shouldn’t be to jump to asking you why you’re being a btch, but rather ask: what can he do to make sure that *you’re alright?

What can he do to make sure that your tension isn’t so high that you feel like snapping?

What can he do to make things easier for you?

How can he help you navigate the issues that may arise?

Again, sometimes we have to check ourselves: get a break when/if you can, but his choice of communication in this instance will only breed resentment. No one takes kindly to being called the b-word, especially not by their SO.

My suggestion is to talk to him about finding a sitter or having a trusted family member watch your children, and taking a “reset” day at least a few times out of the month. I would also encourage you, if you haven’t already, to have a conversation with him that breaks down how overworked you feel, and how he can best support you and your kids moving forward. Truly express to him that your intention is to be the best mom that you can be, but that you’re also only human and his criticism is counterproductive.

Your husband should be your partner, and to foster that partnership, his commentary means that you need to lean on him a little more and see what happens.

Being told you're "not good at being a mom" cuts right to the core, especially coming from the person who should be your biggest supporter. However, some underlying issues here need to be addressed more calmly.

From your post, it sounds like you may be dealing with overstimulation or feeling overwhelmed at times, which is incredibly normal for parents. The constant noise, demands, and lack of personal space can really take a toll. It's okay to need breaks and alone time - that doesn't make you a bad mom. Recognizing your limits and taking care of yourself is crucial for your mental health and ability to be present for your kids.

That said, snapping at the kids frequently or shutting them out isn't an ideal pattern either. Have you looked into techniques for managing overstimulation, like noise-canceling headphones or creating a "decompression" routine? Set aside particular one-on-one time with each child when you're feeling calmer.

As for your husband's harsh words, it's possible he's also feeling stressed and lashed out in a hurtful way he may now regret. The best thing is to sit down together, outside of an emotional moment, and openly discuss supporting each other as parents. Suggest counseling if needed to improve your communication.

You know your heart and how much you love your kids. Don't let one (admittedly painful) comment make you question your worth as a mom. We all have room to grow. You've got this with some self-care strategies and teamwork with your spouse. Wishing you all the best.

People have given you a lot of emotional talk, but I want to focus in on the overwhelm.

"Why are you always overstimmed" is a good question! If it's noise, earplugs might help. If it's noise and light and touch - have you tried magnesium supplements? Also, are you neurodivergent?

"All I know is right now I'm just feeling like I want to go rent a studio apartment and just send a check."

The fact that you're even mentioning abandoning your family says a lot.

Gonna guess you’re the default parent and he never interferes because “they want you.” He could have stepped in before you got overstimulated but watched your son annoy you to the point of you snapping THEN sent him away and called you a bitch. Sure, you may need to work on your triggers, but you could also use support and understanding from your partner.

Maybe consider therapy and whether he is right. I had a lot of kids close together. I would put myself in time out when I felt frazzled. Maybe a little self-care?

Hi. I am a preschool teacher with two young daughters. I delt with a lot of undiagnosed postpartum and until just recently have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. My soon to be ex husband told me this constantly yet would never end up giving me the emotional support or duel parenting support I needed. For as long as I can remember having children of my own has been an inner fight . Angry irritated while my children r literal angels and unfortunately I have given them their fair share of trauma memories. On the flip side I’m a good teacher and do what I gotta do amazingly ud never guess. I’ve started therapy have gotten on medication and leaving my situation. Get help ask for help leave reminders on ur mirrors tht u r ur child’s inner voice , children deserve respect. Or they won’t know anything else. set a times and spend an intentional 15 min a day with each other child this will likely repair damage done. All we can do is try to be better every day. Apologize to your kids do redos . Model what u should have done and speak to them about mistakes. Forgive yourself bcuz the shame will get u.

Where is your snappiness truly coming from? The noise? Or are you just tired of your son not listening to you? You said you wanna leave and send a check? It seems like deep down you dont want to be a mom anymore, and maybe your husband can sense that.

It's okay if you dont like the job anymore. Being a mom sucks sometimes... or most of the time. But if thats the case, maybe your husband is right and "you're not a good mom" because you simply dont enjoy being a mom right now. It's ok to admit it.

But whats the definition of "good mom" anyway. No one is perfect. Don't take it to heart. Your husband could have picked a better way to phrase it. When he has a rough day, you tell him hes not too good at being a dad and see what he says. Maybe he'd agree with you. And maybe he wants you to agree with him that youre not at ur best right now and pledge to try doing better.

At least he sent your son away instead of shaming you and belittle you infront of the kids. Please try talking to your husband about how you feel. If you two cant communicate and come to an understanding about this simple issue, then thats the bigger problem.

I don’t think you’re a bad mom, I think you are not getting enough time to recharge your batteries and do some self care which leads to burnout. No one is going to be fully engages and cheerful when they are running on empty. Instead of jumping on your back, your husband should be making efforts to make sure you get some time for yourself and time for the two of you as a couple instead of constantly momming and dadding. I suggest reaching out to your support system for a day off or maybe getting kiddos involved in a class or club. I am a fan of martial arts classes as it instills confidence and non- confrontational problem solving as well as activity. Swimming lessons are good too for both exercise, learning water safety and mellowing kids out. My kids never slept better than they did on swim class days. They get some activity and socializing and you get some time to breathe.

Something I've learned throughout all my years in therapy as a teen/adult & parenting is the power of breathing. Anytime I get overwhelmed I take a deep breath (or a few) before I react. That usually clears my mind of my knee-jerk reaction/response to overstimulation and lets me react in a calmer, more appropriate manner. This is not exclusive to parenting either, I use this in any situation where I am overwhelmed/overstimulated/frustrated/anxious, etc. It's okay to say "I need a few minutes to process" or something to that tune. This will also model that behavior for your children that could be beneficial for them to learn how to handle big emotions properly. I taught my son the breathing thing from a very young age because I only wish I had been taught that as a young kid and now he's almost a teenager and he does the breathing thing on his own when he is overwhelmed and it makes me proud that I was able to give him a tool like that to handle big emotions without losing his cool.

As an easily overstimulated parent, I got noise dampening ear plugs, which are actually comfortable, silicone and not those icky foam ones. They have been a GODSEND.

That's not kind of your husband. Moms carry a lot of mental load. It's perfectly okay to tell a child that you already reminded them to be quiet once. My son yelled in my ear after his two warnings. My husband told him " she already warned you twice", when I sent my 8 year old to his room for ten minutes to think about yelling.

It's okay to set reasonable expectations to follow directions. Is your husband going to call his teacher and say that they're a bad teacher for taking away a privilege after warning your son?

It sounds like your husband was trying to hurt you. I'd sut down when the kids are in bed and discuss how that affected you. It's understandable for a mother to become overwhelmed and need a minute of quiet.

I stand in solidarity with you mama! Between an active 9 year old and 18 month old some days I just want complete silence. I get so overstimulated. I’ve found it’s helpful to stick to the “I” statements. “Mommy(I) is very overstimulated by all the loud noises and needs a break.” It’s so fucking hard to do in the moment but if you make it about how you are the “problem” then it tends to go over smoother. When you can, remove yourself. When you can’t, give them suggestions on how to help you out (their bedroom/outside)

Wow. I am appalled by these comments. Could your husband's statements have a kernel of truth to them? Absolutely. But his delivery was absolutely horrendous. What kind of messages does it send for him to snap at you the exact same way he claims you snapped at your child? What kind of message does it send for a father and husband to call his wife and the mother of his children a bitch?! Not appropriate at all! If he wants you to be better about communicating, he should check himself first. Sounds like you all may need to evaluate your environment and communication styles. Sounds like a counselor/therapist would benefit you both

If he saw you getting stressed and your son continuing to make noise, why didn't he step in earlier?

Info: how old is the child?

I’m a single mom to 3 and I already lost my shit this morning and got snappy. I have a desk in my bedroom with a hanging organizer and all my nice pens are GONE. I needed one and they’re GONE. Goddamnit I’m still mad about it. No matter how many times I tell them to leave my stuff alone I can’t have anything nice that doesn’t gradually disappear. At this point I want to hide out in the garage.

Your spouse is an AH. He should be asking what you need to lower your stress level. It’s obvious that you need a little more support in order to regulate your emotions and as your partner he should be the one providing it. Calling you a bitch is also way out of line.

I snap at times but way less than when I was married to my useless ex - he was like having a 4th child.

"always" and "never" language in an argument is a hard pass for me. I'm assuming from this exchange that your husband has a tendency to put you down, because no kind spouse says "you are always such a bitch to the kids!"

Only a sith deals in absolutes, and from this I'm worried your husband is an agent of the dark side.

It seems like he was trying to hurt your feelings, and that behavior has zero place in a relationship.

Has he considered being helpful and taking anything off your plate, or does he just cause more work and then bitch at you for not being a robot?

That's a serious question. We need to know a little more about the dynamic to help, but regardless what he said wasn't helpful.

He's wrong in the way he's talking to you about it, that's for sure!

Does he usually talk to you like this? Is this the first time he has? To me it would be more helpful for him to take their son out for a little bit and say he was going to give you a break then bring it up later in conversation.

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation. It can definitely be overwhelming when your kid is being loud.

I feel like you’re burnt out and don’t have the capacity to deal with some situations - like fight or flight mode. Obviously everyone says therapy but the thing that worked the best for me was divorcing my husband, this gave me some time to myself and I also had less work to do because most of it was cleaning up behind him. Now I’m enjoying the outdoors and some time to myself, getting into fitness and going on walks and hikes or whatever works for you.

Just stings to hear my spouse tell my I'm not a good mom in any capacity

That’s not what he said though.

You're good at mom responsibilities, but you are not good at being a mom

That’s what you said he said. Between that and everything else you relayed from what he told you, it sounds like you do some mom things well, but you don’t treat the kids well because you let yourself reach your boiling point around them and blow off at them instead of being able to recognize you’re getting close and calmly stepping away to cool off. Kids take a lot of patience, and certain ages take a lot more patience for different parents. Every parent is going to get frustrated and loose their cool sometime. If it’s a habit, that’s bad. It sounds like that’s a habit for you. If you very often tell your kids you’d rather be alone than spend time with them, that’s also not very good. If you think there’s some mental health issues you have that are causing you to have more trouble with this, then go to some doctors ASAP and get that sorted out.

Let me ask you how you feel about the topics that were brought up. Do you think you snap and yell at your kids often? Do you think you tell them you don’t want to be around them often? Do you actually want to spend time with them and make sacrifices for them, or would you rather be alone and not have that responsibility?

Dad can take over then.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be trying to keep your cool, I’m just saying that you would probably snap less if your husband did more.

He's not exactly helpful. What he tells you are things you know for yourself. If he wants to help you, he takes over the kids and relieves you for a few minutes at least.

It's a good thing to tell your spouse what you see in their interaction with the kids. But not in a heated situation, and not with them listening.

Please invest in some noise minimizing earbuds. I am extremely sensitive to sounds, and I was causing my son a lot of uncessessary stress simply because kids are loud. There's normal noise that's appropriate for development, exploring sounds and things in their environment, and excessive inappropriate noises. The problem is, I couldn't stand any sound some days, and i snapped a lot. I have a pair I found on Amazon, they just muffle noise. I can still hear, especially if someone is trying to get my attention, but the sounds themselves are just softer and less jarring for me.

I'm not saying your partner was right in the way he spoke to you, but there is some truth. His delivery was poor, but snapping at them regardless of the reason(or how valid it may be) can still cause psychological damage. You're not a bad mom, but those are negative traits you have to work on. At the very least, you recognize them and are trying to improve. Noise canceling buds are a lifesaver when you can't get away from the noise. You might want to also start setting a schedule time aside for just you. Whether that be 20 minutes, or 2 hours, or more, depends on how much support your partner will give. You sound absolutely burnt out, and that's normal!

The bit about your medication history is a little concerning. If you were advised to stop your medication for "situational depression" then go off. But if you felt better and stopped taking it, this can cause issues to your mental health. I stopped cold turkey on antidepressants after my son was born because I thought "Things are better now. I don't need this" and i was /so/ wrong. I ended up cycling through several more SSRIs until a therapist suggested I pursue a MMJ license after I hit a massive wall with meds. Things will not always be "better", life can change very quickly and suddenly, you need a long term plan for managing stress and anxiety. If you're not a fan of the pharmaceutical route, you can look into supplements, meditation, yoga, etc, but you should never stop treatment all together unless under close medical supervision. It's the same reason you have to finish ALL your antibiotics, not just when you feel better. You felt better because the medication did it's job. Taking it for less than a month and stopping can chemically alter your brain in negative ways.

Please note: your diagnosis is not the last step. It will not make everything click and suddenly be fine because now you have a piece of paper stating your diagnosis. You will need to constantly work on your triggers and your regulation skills. It's possible, not always be easy, but you can do it.

You are your children's only view of the world for years upon years.

As frustrating as they can be...what feels like eternity at times... everyone needs to force themselves into the idea that they are building an entire world to their little ones.

When I'm frustrated at my daughter and snap I HAVE to take a step back and apologize and hug her, because I am providing her only window to the world at the moment

Sounds like he could be trying to hold a mirror up to you.. definitely should have said it in a nicer way but maybe worth having a think about what he's said over the next few days and see if there's any ways you can change. Sounds like you need a bit of a break and a recharge! Could you go away with a friend for a night? Or even just a kid-free day out? So hard not to burn yourself out, sending hugs!

could you be a better mom?

I hope you can take his words and try to improve. Having an angry and unhappy mom can fck you up in ten thousand ways.

Yeah, I would listen to your husband before it's too late.

Signed,

an adult kid who dropped her mom for this very reason

hes probably right.

if youre yelling its not helping.

We eventually divorced. It was impossible to actually be a good parent with a partner who spoke to me that way.

I get overstimulated easily and I've had to develop coping skills for it, but I think your spouse is seriously acting inappropriately by calling you names. 

🚩I can’t be the only one seeing these. I can’t imagine saying ANYTHING remotely degrading to my wife. We’re a team.

When one of us needs a little bit of help, we don’t mind giving that extra little bit to compensate.

I pray your husband heals soon. Sounds like he has been dodging Therapy? IDK 🤷🏻‍♂️

You have to be accountable for your own emotions. If you’re not you can’t raise your child to be emotionally and socially well-adjusted. Get some therapy.

Yea, it's not great to be overstimulated and snap at your kids but your husband's behavior here is also extremly problematic.

It's not healthy to fly off the handle and tell your wife that her kids will not want to speak to her beucase she snapped at her kid once. How would that be helpful if you are already oversitmlated OP?

If he has a habit of building you up and cutting you down you need to take a look at his other behaviors and see if he has patterns that would suggest he is a narcissist or controlling.

You both need to learn to communicate better, and counseling can help. If he’s frustrated with the way you spoke to the kids, he should say “hey, I love you but I really don’t like the way you said X. Can we talk about it?”

Instead he jumped to name calling, “why are you XYZ” (never a productive way to communicate) and over generalized to you being a bad mom. That’s like calling your kid a bad kid instead of saying “we don’t hit other children in the sandbox”. One is a healthy way to communicate and one is not.

A good counselor can get you out of this you always/never cycle.

Well on the same hand, why didn't he try and make your son be quiet, since he was ignoring you?

A parent who is always overestimated always has too much to do, or too much distracting them.

All I know is, there’s a difference between calling someone in vs calling someone out. Did your partner really think that response would help or hurt the situation? There’s a dozen better ways that discussion could have been approached

If he said it there maybe some merit he is seeing. We as parents get caught up in our parenting style that sometimes we don't see what it looks like from 3rd person and need to be "checked".

No matter what, he said something cruel and in an unhelpful way and at an unhelpful moment. That being said, figuring out how to self-regulate around our kids is literally like the number one key to parenting. Losing your cool doesn’t make you a bad mom. But being unwilling to try again every day to be better might.

Well… If someone saying you’re doing it wrong makes you want to ditch the family and send a check…. That maternal instinct just may not be there lol. External validation isn’t really the path to, or signs of, good parenting ya know?

That’s definitely something you can work on and nurture, but you have to accept that nothing about your life is about you anymore and move on.

And as always. Therapy, talk with you spouse, etc.

He’s definitely right, you need to treat your kids better sis 🤷🏽‍♀️

I think my question for you is: why isn’t your husband helping you when they aren’t listening and it’s become you yelling at them? If he can hear that they are frustrating you, and you need a moment to chill, he is also a parent. And he should be backing you up. Your his wife. He should be speaking to the kids and telling them to listen to you the first time.

So how is he helping ? That’s the question, why isn’t he stepping in to help you?

why are you always overstimmed and in a bad mood?

He said you are good at the organizational aspect of being a mom. But if you get overstimmed easily, figure out why or what you can do about it. The earplug idea could help. Or play your favorite music in the background. I played Taylor Swift so much all my kids know many of her songs. Get you odd into quiet activities. Art or drawing or board games. Or get them into regular physical sports or martial arts or tumbling. Things that will get them tired.

He definitely could’ve said this nicer and should not have snapped at you.

I agree about taking a serious inventory on whether there is any truth to this or not. Ask if the kids are saying anything to him. We all have strengths and weaknesses and it might just be best to excuse yourself from the situation and go close a door somewhere if you need a breath. Talk to your husband because he can help with this if he’s not just being a jerk here and take over things if mommy needs a couple of minutes. What you don’t want happening is the kids thinking “why is mommy so mean all the time” and then your relationship with them suffers because they feel like they can only talk to or be themselves with dad.

It’s hard to give you definitive advice without seeing things first hand. I can’t tell if your husband is just a jerk but he could have noticed a real problem and just is bad at communicating it.

From where I stand, it's always easier being the other parent in these types of situations - by that, I mean he has a different perspective, a different level of involvement, a different energy level... My husband and I tap the other out if we feel like the other parent is escalating to a point that we feel we could tackle it more gently/appropriately. Of course, it's imperfect, but it helps us recognize that we need a break.

I work from home full time and am Mom to my 2.5yo from home full time and I am chronically exhausted... I don't have anyone to tap in during the day so I am pouring from an empty cup. It's hard to be nice to yourself, but it's also hard to be as level-headed when you're that tired.

I'd take this conversation at face value. You're cooked. Time to take a Mom night off. When you're calm, have a real conversation with your kid. Tell him you're genuinely sorry and show him you have to change. Be honest with yourself and with him. It's not his fault you're out straight... But whatever you do, follow through. Perhaps you comment when you're playing "you have my full attention until dinner time".

And then I would try to address your husband's use of absolutes like "always" and "never". I try and use "I feel ..." statements when talking about these things. He's trying to protect his child, but he can learn to communicate his perspective without blanket statements.

Sounds like the kids need a sleep over at a grandparents house, while you two go out, have a good night, come home (NO ALCOHOL), and sit down and have a conversation over this. Don't yell, don't get offended or in your feelings, just be honest. And ask your husband what you can do better from his perspective, ask him what he can do better, explain why you get overstimmed, and how he can help. Ask him how he copes with it. Ask him for advice.

Let me ask this: Does your husband trying to fix everything? If the answer is yes, tell him you don't want him to 'fix' it, but you want his help trying to work through it. This isn't a leaky pipe problem where you apply a fix and it's done, this is an ongoing regular maintenance thing. It will require, time, patience, and care to fix.

Y'all need to not act like the very kids you're trying to parent. This isn't to insult you, but to be brutally honest with you. Me and my lady are both brutally honest with each other. It hurts at times but we sit down and talk it out. If we start getting heated, get up, walk away, come back when we're calm, and continue to talk, even if it is the next day.

Do you yourself constantly wonder if you’re a bad mom? Because if you do then you are really a good mom. My daughter is 4 and last summer my mother repeatedly called me a bad mom all because I thought my daughter was getting over being sick so I didn’t take her to the doctor like a normal parent. I also get overstimulated by my daughter she’s a handful and I do yell at her (it was worse when I had a different job) but I tell her all the time I love her and I am sorry for yelling and I will try better. You may need to sit down and have a talk with him because he may just be tired and frustrated with things.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated as a parent. Being a good parent doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being loving, supportive, and willing to grow and adapt. Your self-awareness and willingness to improve already show that you care deeply and are dedicated to being the best parent you can be. Don't let one difficult moment define your entire role as a mother.

He said you’re not a bad mom, you do the mom things good. You NEED TO WORK on you.

If he's using the term "overstimmed," that has to mean he understands what overstimulation is and that he wants you to figure out strategies to avoid getting triggered in this way.

He said it in a blunt way but if you take out the hurt part of it (And I Know that's really hard), it may be that he's right in that you need to get better at self-regulating.

I was pulled aside by my kid's preschool teacher and she gave me, in a very kind and gentle fashion, some strategies and ways to get my kid in the car without losing my shit. I'm still a bit embarrassed when I think of the careful way she approached me.

Anywho, he said it badly but that doesn't make you "a bad mom," it's just that you're having a tough time being a gentle kind mom at this moment. I am telling you I really struggled with this. Absolutely no judgment. (Oh, also I figured out I had PPD and got medicated for that, which helped a lot.) I just heard a voice like my mom's come out of my mouth and I was like "Oh HELL no."

First, he better be a flawless dad or at least willing to call out his own flaws. However, I don't necessarily disagree with the premise. My wife is better than me at certain things with the kids, I'm better than her at certain things. All of it falls under the umbrella of mom/dad responsibilities. In the end my kids are good, well-behaved kids, happy, healthy, safe and they seem to like us.

I think things like this are difficult to swallow and although your husband could have communicated it more sensitively, it is both his and your responsibility to advocate for your children even when it is against each other.

Consider if you are providing the the gentleness and understanding to your children that you are longing for from your spouse.

Treating your children like they're a bother regularly and snapping is a sure fire way to mess their little heads up forever. I hope you get some help

So, this is a tough one… Because it’s been too long now to properly teach a man a lesson, I don’t think it’ll do anything but next time; immediately, punch him in his d, and tell him how killing any potential future kids would make it so much easier for you to be a good mom. Then punch him in the face, while explaining that this is for the last time you said it but it was too late to hit u when I had the idea.

I just yelled at my daughter 10 minutes ago… I feel awful about it, I’ve been trying to reverse how I learned to parent for over 8 years… We definitely are not perfect and we can be hard or ourselves as well as our partners at times.

Why do you think you are always feeling over stimulated/overwhelmed? Are you feeling burnt out? Do you get enough time to yourself and do things to fill your own cup? Are there ways you can address the sensory overload (like wearing earplugs when the house is loud).

If you told him to do it repeatedly and he continued, all he learned was that he did not need to do what he was told. You did not follow through. Then you got irritated and snapped at him, which still did not stop his behavior either. Nothing you did was effective.

You need to stop whatever you are doing and get up and stop his behavior and redirect him, and follow through if you want him to stop. I'm not trying to be mean, but do you want to be an ignored and grouchy parent or an effective parent?

My mother would nag continually and then yell and then get resentful and blame us and then get quiet and ... none of it helped. It did give us low self-esteem, though. She meant well. I know that.

You are not a bad mom, I am sure, and your husband is rude how he worded it. Most likely, you are preoccupied with something. However, from my experience as a mother, you need to stop whatever you are doing and pay attention long enough to ensure your son does what he is told. And then reinforce him doing so by telling him thank you. This builds self-esteem where snapping at them reduces it.

I am ADHD I get hyperfocused on things, but I have to make this my priority. I do not yell and I try not to repeat myself. If speaking once does not work I must try another method. I do not want to repeat my mother's mistakes. It is always best to learn from others and consciously choose how we want to be.

Your relationship with your husband is another topic. I don't envy married people😂 you snap at your son... he snaps at you... he's no better and very rude

Double down on the toxicity and just gaslight him into thinking he’s a bad dad, maybe your kids can grow up to be comedians then

He calls you a bitch and you're like, 'ah geez is he right?' Get some self respect. Get a man that honors you as a mother and as a human being.

It sounds frustrating. I think the child needs more discipline. I'd get "overstimmed" too if I had to tell my child something 15 freakin times LOL

My dad did have anger issues yet he never beat us... how? The 3 strike rule. Say it once, say it twice, if it has to he said a third time there will be consequences. Maybe it's being grounded or having a toy confiscated... some form of discipline was to be had.

I use the same rule with my daughter. There has to be order. The only person that can make your child respect you is you. Set the rules and abide by them.

You're snapping at your child bc you're letting it build up. I imagine you're actually trying not to snap but it happens bc you've already said several times to behave to settle down.

One of you has to be the disciplinarian. If your husband is laid back and nothing bothers him then I guess it's up to you to make sure there is order.

What is your husband doing while you're correcting your child? Is he backing you up? It doesn't matter if he necessarily agrees with your parenting style, he needs to be backing you up so your child respects you when you speak.

If you have different parenting styles then a sit down needs to happen to figure out a system you can both implement. If not then the kid will play you against each other and neither one of you will have the power, the child will.

Tell them they should buy some memecoins instead