All of my partners have told me this, and sometimes it shocks even myself. During one such time I accidentally let out an SBD on a plane, and within 60 seconds, the stewardess went over the intercom to let everyone know that the restrooms were open. I shit you not, I’m not being dramatic. It’s bad. I’m currently sitting in the restroom, shocked at the wickedness that has just come out of my asshole, fumigating in my own death stench, repugnated by my bowel movement, wondering what the hell is wrong with my digestive tract.
I swear to god, I have some of the worst smelling farts and shits on earth. What am I supposed to do?
Ok we're gonna need to know what your fart-based nickname was
It’s been rectified :D
Captain Thunderpants
brap superstar
Due to an unfortunate naming system for highschool computer accounts and my first initial+last name, I had a shart-based nickname all through HS
I have to work with a B. Lumpkin from time to time.
The [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) that guy has slays me
We have firstname.lastname but also an 7-8 character systems ID (as well as a 9 digit ID number). Best one I saw was COCKBUM. Poor Mr Cockburn.
I hope it wasn't related to your current username in any way
The closest thing to that at my highchool was a teacher whose account name would have been "ANess[RestOfTheAddress]* if they hadn't let her use her full first name in it instead.
I would bet 100 bucks on "not producing enough enzymes". Also.. what way your fart based nickname?
Gassius Clay, the smell will knock you out
Bloat like a pregnant guy, stink like some cheese
The fart of war
Send me that 100 bucks and it's yours
Fart Simpson
Similar story except it's IBS in my case. I rarely fart if I control perfectly what I'm eating but it's terrible if I cheat.
What do you eat? There are a lot of foods that create a lot of sulfur, which increase the likelihood of your farts stenching. A lack of fibre in your diet can also cause your farts to smell real nasty. Maybe you also might have some sort of chronic inflammation in the gut (it can be asymptomatic), that could also cause really smelly farts.
If it's a steady diet of hard boiled eggs, broccoli and coffee - we might have a diagnosis.
throw in a handle of whey isolate and we have a pressure-pack anal aerosol ready to go
That reminds me, the most vile one I ever let rip. We were on vacation in Norway, and had breakfast at this place known for fancy egg dishes, and it was a buffet. So I went a little overboard trying to sample everything. Then that evening, we were talking with some locals, and I had a SBD, it was vile, made me tear up a bit. Surprisingly they were polite and didn't say anything. 😂
I get the giggles so bad every single time I try to sneak one out and can’t keep a straight face. I might as well just announce it was me 😂
It's actually Lupus
Also, an over abundance of protein or if you have issues digesting proteins. Makes for smelly everything.
Protein farts are nasty.
Protein farts are so bad there have been multiple threads on bodybuilding's forum of dudes posting skibbies with holes where their asshole makes contact and asking if it's from their protein shake.
God, you just gave me flashbacks to my old gym bathroom. Sometimes I’d think to myself, “Whoever you are in that stall, you don’t need that much protein. Your body took all it needed to add muscle and it’s just letting the rest fall out of you.”
Or lactose intolerance, too much coffee, there are a whole bunch of foods that cause lots of farts. You can do the elimination diet where you start out only eating one food, then slowly add others back into your diet til you find the problem.
It's WILDLY telling that OP doesn't even touch on their diet. Like just trundles past the topic.
It's wildly telling that OP doesn't respond to nearly any answers or asks for clarification of his "question"
My guess is that this post was made up by someone trying to be funny. Therefore, there is no need for further elaboration.
This, absolutely.
As a random example, I don't usually eat pork, and whenever I do, my gut becomes a bit of a bioweapons factory for the next 24 hours... but I can mitigate it by eating a lot of fruit the same day, then it's just "bakery dumpster on a mildly hot day" quality. Gut flora can be weird!
It’s a common myth that a lot of fiber causes smelly farts.
What does cause smelly farts is eating a generally low fiber diet, then randomly eating a high influx of high-fiber foods like beans, greens etc.
If you consistently eat a high fiber diet your farts will become less and less odorous over time.
That’s what they said “a lack of fiber in your diet…”
Well, it appears I can’t read.
My point still stands 😉
«Let me explain to you why you’re absolutely right!»
Lmao
They said "a lack of fiber" not "a lot of fiber".
Water. Water. Water.
Talk to a doctor.
Perhaps also to a nutritionist.
Friend does not have a gallbladder. She has IBS, GERD, and 3 other stomach and gastric conditions. She has been to so many drs and guides, only to find out there is literally nothing she can do, either with medication.
We also have weaponized her farts in certain situations for fun, but she still wants it fixed. Some people just are naturally a walking biohazard of fecal crop dusting and lingering remnants of the vocalised screams of trapped digested food.
ETA: Thank you for the awards
This might even be too much for r/brandnewsentence
Your last paragraph is so fucking hilarious and such a masterful use of words. Thank you. I feel so bad for your friend though. I couldn’t imagine living that way and not being able to fix it! It’s the 21st century for Pete’s sake! 😖
Was just in a group chat with my friends and the one works with a mysterious shitter at work. Once a week it’s just awful - like the worst period shits smell imaginable.
Our bodies sure do suck.
Over the last 13.5yrs since she lost her gallbladder, we have had many moments pondering if it was period based, but she doesn't get them on her BC, and she has gone vegan, which caused her to rival the Bog of Eternal Stench, so she came back to omnivore eating, which was less gassy and less smelly, but even a gastroenterologist said some people just are mini nuclear Hindenburgs, while others are just a popped helium balloon
ETA: Thank you for the award
You know your farts are peak level when the dog leaves the room in both disgust and defeat.
I've let some loose that have caused the dog to sneeze and bark at me. Dogs have sensitive smell, no doubt, so if they're offended you know that something gnarly is bubblin' in your guts.
Absolutely -- these are animals that will happily eat any kind of poop, roll on rotting corpses, et cetera so, if they run away from the smell of a fart, then it must be truly awful...
Popped helium balloon. I can’t. Hahahah
It was “Bog of Eternal Stench” for me 💀
Omg I love the way you write lmao
I was fortunate enough to go into remission for colitis. During that remission stage though my farts were weapons grade. Friends and family used to call upon me to do a crop-dust-as-smoke-bomb exit for undesirable social situations. I can totally relate.
The most perfectly timed use of her farts was on a girls' night. There were 5 of us, and we were celebrating one of the other ladies getting her paper published in an Engineering Journal. When the Chadtastic Five rocked up trying to join us.
Between the negging and implied sexual prowess of these guys, my friend got my attention and did her usual one ear wiggle to indicate she was locked and loaded, and silencer mode was ready to be activated, so I nodded to tell her to go ahead. That day, she had a vegan burger, so I knew it was going to be bad.
As soon as the first guy smelt it, and vocalised he smelt it, we ladies did that "eeeeew gross guys" face at them and walked off, we did notice they left the premises after that....
ETA: Thank you for the awards
S tier fart deployment.
My brother's farts are absolutely deadly and we weaponize them against him for fun xD
We ended up warning his fiance to beware of what's going to brew on their wedding night because he was in charge of the food, she shook her head and said "I know"
lmao, she's a keeper if she's willing to deal with his deadly ass.
Madam you have a way with words that has left me gasping for breath at 2 a.m. bravo, truly
If it's that bad op should talk to a priest
God created the world in 6 days but took 5 Billion Years to perfect this man’s fart. Be proud my son and live long and stay the fuck away from Heaven.
You know… the rainbow is symbolic of God’s promise to not fucking drown us all again. But there was no promise about gassing us.
And that’s why we have OP. ;)
"Bless me father for I have flatulated,
It's been five seconds since my last flatulation,
I beg you lord,
STOP THE FARTS"
Farter, why have you forsaken me?
God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten shit,
That's not gas, that's concentrated evil coming out your ass.
1% evil, 99% hot gas
"we have the popular, 'everybody poops,' the slightly less popular, "nobody poops but you,' and the Catholic book, "you're a naughty child and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you."
-librarian from Family Guy
The power of my farts compels you
In the name of the father, the son, and the holy shit.
Would farting in a confessional count as confessing your sins?
Well, it is just blowing hot air.
No, that's just murder
Penance for the priest.
Oh my god. I am dead rn. I really feel really bad for OP, yet this thread is hilarious.
In the name of the fart, the shit and the holy shart.
I love reddit comment chains.
Yea though I walk through the cloud of the shadow of death…
Yo thanks for the tip…from now if I have one of those cacophonous mostly-air fart, afterwards I’ll always say IT IS FINISHED. Id prefer to even say it in Greek for added drama but then no one would get the joke
Say five Hail Mary’s and crack a window.
Say five our farter's and light a candle.
For the love of all things holy don’t light anything near this fart!
Forgive me Father, for I have singed…
Our father who fart in heaven?
Fouled be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy fart be done.
In my underwear as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily fart and forgive us our stenchyness as we forgive those who fart against us
Ahem
And light a match!
Just go into the confessional, stay silent, and let the fart out.
Username checks out
Our farter who shart in heaven...
Father? Father?
*beep beep beep*
Yes, hello, 911, it's me. Yeah I've knocked out another one. St Matthew's this time...yes I'll open the windows while I wait.
As he's saying that he's patting the droplets of sweat from his head with a handkerchief as he holds in the farts
More like:
"Bless me father for I have flatulated....."
(VOICE DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS): WE KNOW
Everything happens for a reason
Thy holy ghost runs too strongly through my being. Though I am thankful, the winds of thy spirit doth overwhelm the flesh and they burst forth to create a distraction for the other followers who are unable to avoid breathing in the spirit remnants from below.
I laughed so hard at this i fell off my treadmill bc i immediately pictured OP ripping one right as she said "Forgive me father for I have sin---* (while SHE was making) COLLAPSING DIRIGIBLE NOISES
Damn those enchiladas!
I’m honestly the same way. I’m not proud of it but I had to drop one in a public restroom one specific time.
The stench was unbelievable and I mean something that no one should ever have to smell. As in it could be compared to a rotting deer corpse on the side of the road with a nice dash of sulfur.
I could hear the door open and in walked a few guys chatting about something followed by an instant silence.
Knowing how bad this smelled I knew instantly that it had hit them like a wall when they walked in.
Meanwhile the guy in the next stall had been forced to smell my overpowering putrid shit. All I could hear the guy say was “You need prayer because the devil just came out of your ass”
The bathroom had become uninhabitable as I could hear small comments outside the stall like “WTF” and “Holy shit that’s bad”
I'm crying laughing. Happy cake day 🎂
That reminds me when I unleashed a shit so bad in a public restroom a guy walked in and screamed at the top of his lungs how bad it smelled and then wanted to fight me afterwards because he had to smell it.
Im laughing so hard rn.
Omg dying hahaha
I haven’t laughed this hard at a Reddit comment in ages
Had me in tears.
Like the other guys in that restroom probably were.
Are you related to my dad's side of the family? Lol
I have never laughed so hard to a Reddit post. Thank you! Crying now!
Agreed.
Worked with a fella that had real foul smelling bowel movements. I was young and never thought anything about it, just avoided the restroom after he used it. About a year after I left the company he was diagnosed with end stage colon cancer and died within a few months.
OP, go talk to a doctor; just in case.
One of my colleagues came out of the faculty restroom one day and the custodian went in shortly afterwards to do her routine cleaning. She came out saying "there's something wrong with that man, he needs to see a doctor 'cuz it ain't s'pose to smell like that."
That's how he found out he had a GI cancer.
Holy fucking shit. I am now trying to imagine it and at the same time stopping myself from imagining the smell. I’m sad.
Seconding this. I had really bad gas and smelly poops for several months, then I was diagnosed with colitis.
[didn't mean to worry anybody, just saying don't be afraid of your doctors. They're there to help despite also having human challenges. ] On top of nutrition maybe it can be a whole more serious issue.
Want to add don't be ashamed, just pull the band-aid and know that the professionals care for you despite their physical reaction. They'll try their best.
I know a guy who had it so bad he only got diagnosed when he let one go during a check up. While he was waiting, the central desk called a specialist in necrosis to talk to him.
All said and done, the smell and his general issues were a caught fish bone and meat rotting inside. Don't literally rot from the inside out because you're ashamed.
I have no words. Thanks for that nightmare fuel.
Wait, where was the stuff caught up?
Probably a gastroenterologist rather than a nutritionist.
A lot of symptoms to diseases can be "foul smelling stool" so I 2nd this.
I worked with a guy with terrible toxic gas and he died of colon cancer somewhere around age 30.
If you're in the US, go for a dietitian. Dietitian is a legally protected term and you have to be licensed, but anyone can call themselves a nutritionist. Not saying that there aren't good nutritionists out there, but if this is of medical concern, you probably want a dietitian.
Yar, could have lower bowel infection, diverticulitis maybe or another issue.
Yarrrrrr matey!!!!
I think I read one time that there undies you can get that have charcoal filters in em’ to minimize the stink factor.
Well, if talking to a doctor and nutritionist doesn't work, I guess I'll just embrace my newfound superpower and start charging admission for people to experience the smell!
“Nutritionist” is a title with zero meaning. Anyone, with no training, experience, or knowledge can call themselves a nutritionist. Dietitian is a title that requires training and credentials. They’re the ones that potentially can help if the issue is related to what they’re eating
Yar, could have lower bowel infection, diverticulitis maybe or another issue.
Buddy of mine was like this. Talked to a doctor and it turns out he was full of shit.
Literally.
Went on stool softeners for a few weeks to clean everything out and that solved the problem.
Yes, this is the same thing I thought of. He may not be cleaning out his bowels completely. More fiber and water will help him poop often and get it out of system.
Honestly, if you had just left it at the one sentence, that joke would've made my day.
Buddy of mine was like this. Talked to a doctor and it turns out he was full of shit.
They said one sentence.
Buddy of mine was like this.
Good work 105. You bring honor to the username.
Reminds me of the time a doctor had to do an x-ray on me to see what was causing my abdominal pains and sudden weight gain. Turns out I was also literally full of shit.
Great thing about the internet is no one knows you're a dog
Oh god thank you for that laugh
Lol! “Umm, the restrooms ARE OPEN, btw.”
"For those of you who mistakenly thought you were on a Greyhound bus, this is in fact an airplane. We have working toilets. No need to shit in the aisles. Thank you."
“Just in case one of y’all thought you needed to shit your pants right now, we do in fact have bathrooms”
Honestly if your farts are that bad it’s bad courtesy to not go to the bathroom if you can feel one coming on. Choose an aisle seat
I can't digest dairy. When I consume dairy, I get the same thing.
Luckily, there are some over the counter pills that you can take before you consume dairy that will help you digest it.
It's not even a drug. The issue is that I'm missing an enzyme that breaks down dairy. The pill is the missing enzyme.
That's the same reason some people can't get high from edibles. A missing enzyme that is needed to digest it properly
This... this explains so much haha.
Floored my friends when I ate 5 cheeba chews and said I didnt feel anything. Thought I was just a pothead with a high t tolerance. I mean... I am a pothead with a high T tolerance but that explains why they have ZERO effect on me.
Ugh, I have this too. I get so jealous of people who can eat a 10mg edible and be zooboomafooed. I tried a 1000mg one time just to see. Fucking nothing. Had to give up and stick to good old fashioned bong hits
Edit: also, not sure if it was just the article I read but they called it having the “bummer gene” lol
So do they make a pill of that enzyme to ingest with your edible so it works?
That’s a million dollar idea right there
i really fucking hope so cuz this is me
TIL…
I’ve tried Lactaid many, many times, never worked for me. But A2 milk (which is missing a specific protein that many people are sensitive to) digests perfectly for me.
OP, legit sounds like you have food sensitivities. I have a ton, and some cause bad gas, while others cause worse symptoms. I cut out gluten and recently reintroduced it, and found out while I’m not allergic, I am sensitive, and it does bad stuff to my gut.
Work with a doctor if you can, but at the very least, play around with your diet and eliminate things for a while until you see what is doing this to your body.
Make sure your family never breeds with the "poop knife" family
The area I moved to, (rural small town kind of place) poop knives are UNIVERSAL. Worst culture shock I’ve ever experienced.
Try that in a small town.
Oh god :( Please say you're kidding.
I wish. It’s an old town that was started by a handful of German immigrant families, and people very seldom move here unless they have family here.
Genetic diversity has to be low considering there with every person you meet, there’s a >60% chance they’ll have one of those original surnames. Lots of very similar German features like dishwater blonde hair, and everyone has blue eyes.
My reasoning is that the “needs poop knife” gene has managed to hang on because of this.
Part of me wants to know immediately, the other part of me absolutely never wants to find out 👀😅😩
You're welcome.
No no... you have to Google poop knife reddit. It's a reddit classic. Oh God. I'm going to Google it right now since it's been a while since I've read it.
You absolutely do wanna find out
See a doctor. I’m not trying to freak you out but it could be something wrong with your colon. I’m 99.999% sure you are fine and just like smelling your own farts lol.
Be sure to bring a sample to your appointment
I hear most gastroenterologists actually prefer if you fart while in the room with them so they can attempt to diagnose based on the smell.
I imagine it like a wine tasting - a lot of lip smacking and wafting involved. “Ah yes, I’m detecting an earthy, rustic aroma. Are there sprouts in this sample? What a rich bouquet, mmm” wafts
I refuse to believe there are people.. professionals.. out there going about their daily life cool about sniffing strangers farts lol
You probably are intolerant to some food stuff. Try an elimination diet where you go for several weeks without common digestive troublemakers like dairy and gluten.
No, go to a doctor first. They will likely recommend an elimination diet, but for some illnesses there's more to it, for example with celiac disease you need to get a blood test done while you have been eating gluten to get an accurate assessment. Cutting it out in advance will cause a false negative, and if a person does have celiac and reintroduces gluten after a period of abstaining, there can be more severe rebound symptoms.
Also a biopsy to confirm, sometimes just the blood test isn’t enough. I got misdiagnosed as a young kid with celiac because it showed up in the blood test, but my parents didn’t get me a biopsy. It took about 12 years before we figured out I wasn’t actually celiac.
My younger brother is like OP and an elimination diet is what finally fixed the problem. Unfortunately, it took him years to get it well and truly sorted and he has to be super strict about what he eats. He's vegetarian now as well.
I feel bad for him, but whatever unique combination of bacteria thrives in his gut requires taming. The man cleared out the dressing rooms at a Men's Wearhouse with a nuclear fart when we were picking him a suit for grandma's funeral. Grandma would have taken the wooden spoon to him had she been there!
It can go way beyond dairy or gluten. OP - Talk to a doctor, don’t just eliminate on your own. Save yourself the time and heart ache. I got put on a fodmap diet by a doctor recently and can’t eat things like onion, garlic, broccoli, apples, honey…the list goes on. I wouldn’t have figured all these triggers out on my own without guidance.
Talk to a doctor
My husband is low FODMAP also. It wasn’t even just stinky farts, he had PAIN. Went his whole life eating onions and garlic, now all of the sudden he can’t. But he feels so much better avoiding them. And yes he worked with a doctor.
Important!!! I was studying dietetics for a long time, and whenever there was a case study about somebody with disrupted poos (which was often) 😅 one of the *first steps was always to do an elimination diet, and see what the person might be allergic or intolerant to.
I had a friend who I played magic the gathering with for a few years. Super cool dude, any time o would have him over to my house, any time he ripped a fart. We would all literally have to leave for 30 mins or so to let it clear out, made all 4 of us throw up, even my dog and cat threw up smelling it…. Every week same thing, he ripped a fart, we would all die.
About 4 months later he went to the doctor and found out he had type one diabeetuz he never knew about.
As soon as he started treating it, farts went away
Lmao there is no way your dog and cat threw up after smelling ur buddies fart
Just thinking about that guy's fart gave me the shits and made me hurl. Still dry heaving typing this. My dad asked me what's wrong so I told him and now he's throwing up all over the place. Brother walked in started blowing grits on the dog. Cat saw everything and shit itself through the ceiling like a roman candle. No laughing matter.
Please see a doctor. Especially if you're over 40. My husband died of colon cancer in April and refused to go to the doctor, even when I begged. His farts and shit were the worst ever. I'm not saying that you might have cancer but please get checked out.
How much alcohol do you drink, and what kind? I’ve noticed my farts are horrible after some craft beer.
Beer normally doesn't do that to me but one time I drank a six pack of Guinness Over the Moon Milk Stout. The next morning was the most wretched, vile and revolting toileting experience of my life. Never. Again. I've been waiting for the right time to tell this story, and here it is!
Could be a gut flora thing. You should probably see a doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You might be allergic to dairy. My nephew has a dairy allergy but because my brother and sister in law are morons they let him eat it anyway (he's only 5) His shit absolutely reeks. Maybe get tested for allergies?
Lactose intolerance is very common (and is not an allergy), and does exactly that. Loose stools, smelly farts and other unpleasantness. I am fairly certain that I have always been lactose intolerance, and drinking milk products only affected me sometimes, but as I got older sometimes became almost always.
if you sit on your wallet, at least you'll always have gas money.
You might be eating something you unknowingly have an intolerance to. Eggs give me REALLY foul gas, but I thought everyone had that with eggs. Turns out, I had an egg yolk intolerance the whole time
Does your poop stick to the toilet bowl? Does it float on water?
From what you tell, it's highly likely that you are either unable to digest fats or absorb them. Go to the doctor.
Get a dog and blame him.
Fiber supplements and a better diet. Also, you might want to be check for one of the bowel diseases.
Let that be your mantra: “I shit you not.”
A friend of mine used to take a protein powder twice a day for body building. Holy mother of Jesus he could clear a room!!
Maybe you need a probiotic. My dogs had toxic farts until I put them in a probiotic. It works surprisingly long. If they go more than a month without one tho, they start smelling bad again.
I've had terrible farts most of my life that even included a fart based nickname in school. I was diagnosed with a low functioning pancreas which meant I wasn't producing enough digestive enzymes and placed on tablets for this. Apparently it's very common, but you'd only know through testing. It hasn't fully rectified my gaseous nature, but it's certainly calmed it down.
Tl:Dr go see a doctor, it could be something easily fixable
Edited for atrocious spelling