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So I asked my husband why he doesn't treat me better and he can't treat me in the loving way he wants to because i "let" guys in the past treat me like trash and if he treats me better that makes him trash. Is that a common thing guys believe in?
So this thinking is common among a certain crowd? He says if his friends found out they would mock and gossip about us. So im guessing his friends think similarly? I basically want to know what he means by this simp thing and is there somewhere I can ask to get more clarity on that.
To some people "simp" just means a man is nice to, supportive of, cares about (and shows it), and generally respects his wife. No man who uses the terms simp, alpha, beta, etc. is actually anyone I would take relationship advice from. This is your husband saying that he cares more about his friends' perceptions of his manliness than actually treating you, his wife, like a human being deserving of his love and respect.
yes, he talks a lot about how if his friends found out or if people we knew found out about my past or about the fact he treats me lovingly despite it, they would make fun of him and call him a simp
Sounds like he needs better friends or you need a better husband.
Probably both.
Agree
Or both?
Your comment is spot on. Say it louder for OP!
He needs better friends or you need a better husband.
He needs to make a choice. If he keeps those friends, I’d leave the relationship.
He doesn't like you nor respect you as a person. He is literally telling you his friends are more important than his relationship and marriage with you. That he is more than willing to treat you like garbage to look cool to his friends.
Exactly 💯 This right here is the best advice 👏
How old is he? 12?
The average mental age of the alt right man
You didn't list your ages, but this is something my wife would hear from the middle schoolers she teaches.
This mindset is ridiculous. A husband loving his wife, caring about her, focusing on her is only a positive thing. The whole "simp" thing online is for lonely/red-pill men
It's sad how often you read about men who have a wife (or girlfriend) who still fall into this manosphere trap. It always ends in divorce. Even if only half of those stories here on reddit are true, it's still an alarming amount.
The whole simp thing is just another attempt at excusing being g abusive towards your partner
Real men don’t mistreat their partners or stand by and let others mistreat them.
Your husband is not a good person and you deserve to be treated with kindness and love at all times.
So yeah, time to kick him to the curb. Life is too short to keep toxic people around.
That’s the most childish thing I’ve ever heard from a husband here. WOW.
So that's more important to him than you and your feelings. You understand that's what he's saying right? Because a real man who loves you would 1) tell his friends to fuck off or 2) not be friends with people who don't respect his spouse.
I had an ex tell me I should not talk about certain topics around his friends because they just wouldn't appreciate it. But, of course I love you baby, you're amazing, my friends just don't get it. Fuck that. I wasn't wrong, but dear goodness, his boys couldn't deal with a woman talking about sports. So I needed to change. A person who loves and respects you would never let other people demean you like that.
You should make your husband a part of the 60% of men who “didn’t see the divorce coming”. Redpillers love to talk about how wives divorce “good men for no reason”. As long as you stay with him, your reinforcing the bullshit him and his friends are consuming. If you’re on tiktok do a search for “decenter men” you’ll find a lot of support from women who men like your husband are terrified of. These are women who have no problem being alone and actively choose that rather than staying attached to men like your husband and they are living their best and most fulfilling lives. They have more money to themselves and substantially less household labor to contend with.
Is he 15? Your husband has a bunch of assholes for friends and he should also be mature enough, since he's married, to know that his marriage is the priority, not his immature friends with their sexist and misogynist ideas. Plus if he has those ideas I'd insist on either therapy or divorce. Life is too short to spend it with a misogynist.
Do you honestly think people make fun of men who treat their wives respectfully? If he feels like your past means he can't treat you with love and respect, why is he with you?
He is manipulating you into thinking you deserve to be treated bad. You don't.
People who will ridicule others who have good relationships skills are clueless and jealous, because wives who are treated well are motivated to return the favor.
I thought marrying a child was illegal.
Left a 6 year relationship with a man over his manosphere nonsense. it's emotional abuse. My two bfs before him were sexually and physically abusive. The red pill shit did more damage to my psych than getting punched in the head. I don't know the depths of that else he's saying or doing to you, but my experience was absolutely dreadful. I hope you can get through to him.
So he cares more about what his friends would think of your marriage than he cares about how you, his spouse, think about how he treats you? His priorities are screwed and tbh, he should not be married to anyone, much less you. Why does he care more about what his friends might think over what you think?
The use of the word "simp" implies indoctrination of incel or black/red pill ideology. Those who subscribe to such are awful partners. I doubt all of his friends feel the same as him, but his concern and reasoning that it's ok for him to treat you as such, just bc he thinks his friends would gossip or make fun of him, speaks to his immaturity.
I am not going to tell you to leave him cuz that's the typical Reddit response, but I will tell you that you need to dig deep, find strength, and refuse to accept his childish logic. The way he thinks and reasons? He's not mature enough to be in any kind of relationship, much less married, and you don't need this crap either. If he honestly thinks it's ok to justify treating you less than bc of his incel rhetoric and blames it on his friends, then you don't need to be with him. It will not get better, it will only get worse.
Your husband sounds like a loser.
Who TF puts how his douchey friends would respond over his wife?!? You should come first. He is a simp, but only because he is slave to his loser friends.
So he is worried that his friends might find out that if he respects you, they will make fun of him?
Does this sound like a man that you would enjoy growing old with?
You need a better husband. You are allowing him to treat you like trash, you deserve more than that
In my books that makes him a massive loser.
For me, a simp is someone who goes out of the way to be a people pleaser. This is different from being supportive, but it could be that some influencers are messing up all the terminology and our youth smh
To be honest, he seems insecure as a man and therefore has to put you down to feel superior to you. His appearance in front of his friends is more important thank having a strong family core with values.
There are men out there that support their partners and help them be their best version.
The question for you to answer is what type of life and family you want and figure out if this person can meet that. If not, stop wasting your time. You only get one life; don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t care about you in the ways that matter to you.
There is no "could be" about it, simp is a huge term in the red pill / Andrew Tate / etc. communities.
It’s a damn shame all these kids follow someone who doesn’t serve them. It’s a virus
Yep, and that's where it came from. I wish non-fascists would quit using it, tbh--it just mainstreams the bullshit.
Yea, simp always meant someone who was allowing themselves to be used, an important component being that the other person doesn’t reciprocate. But there’s a poor strain of thinking out there that a guys are more successful with women when they don’t treat them well or even treat them poorly. Those people use it to describe anyone who’s not a douche.
And while there are women out there that this works on (usually young, inexperienced, & lacking self worth) I can’t think of a better ingredient for a toxic relationship than this kind of attitude.
Guys with this kind of mentality like to drop all those words you mentioned.
Edit: Yikes on bikes! Read post& comment history and it’s so much more complicated than her post makes it appear.
My updated take https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/TqIeCxVkhG
...
Well that escalated quickly
For what I have seen in that comment I wouldn't consider it cheating. She didn't do a porno behind his back for her pleasure.
She did it because they needed the money and he knew she was going to be in that movie.
Porno films tend to do that kind of thing all the time, its a really abusive industry.
I wouldn't call it common, but it comes from a warped and misogynistic ideology that is mostly targeted towards lonely, single men who can't get laid as a way to teach them how to be a "real man" and get women. But it sweeps up some married guys as well.
Your husband needs to get better friends if that's the crap they are feeding him. I can tell you that me and my friends wouldn't want to be friends with a guy who treated his wife like that.
I never heard the term "simp" before until he started recently bringing it up in our arguments, i been trying to find out more about it this morning but r/simps doesn't seem like it would be helpful
How old is your husband? A "simp" is guy who is basically excessively down bad for a woman, and who is submissive to her/lets her walk all over him. But this slang mostly used by teenagers/people on the the dark corners of the internet. It's not something a grown, adult, mature male should be saying about his wife.
hes about my age, in his thirties
Way too old for this nonsense. Tell him he's simping for his fucked-up friends.
He's totally been red pilled by the internet, his friends, or both.
Simp is a wild word for a man in their 30s to openly be saying to his wife in very serious context
He’s basically following people like Andrew Tate
It seems like you’re focusing on the wrong things. You should be focusing on ending this relationship and getting yourself into therapy. I just read a couple of your past posts and the way he treats you is absolutely not okay. There is no excuse. You’re raising your baby in a very unhealthy environment and it’s time to end this. Get committed to healing yourself so you don’t have to keep repeating this lesson. Good luck, OP.
His friends will mock him for treating his wife nicely?? He’s a simp for being kind to his WIFE?!
This is absolutely insane and all a LIE. I firmly believe your partner should be getting the best of you, and you should be treating them the best of anyone you know - because they are your PARTNER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
Sounds like your husband took the alpha pill. Not actually a pill, just a nasty misogynistic way of thinking. It's really turned a bunch of men back 100 years. Where women don't matter , they are there for us to use and control. Bet he listens or listened to Andrew tate. Saying that to your wife is disgusting and so disrespectful. I personally wouldn't put up with it.
there's actually music that pretty much people so i tossed her like trash and you wifed her, type thing. theres that view in society too
Find a better husband. Please choose self respect and don’t allow someone to treat you this way. People treat you as you let them
Yes, this is a red pill thing, look it up if you want to be disgusted.
And the fact that his friends are like this as well does not speak well for the future. He's not just some rando who fell down a rabbit hole, this is clearly who he is.
Sorry, your husband is a chud. It probably won't get better. You have some decisions to make.
Don't have kids with him if you haven't already.
Either his friends are also in the wrong crowd, or he's projecting. Are those friends married or in relationships? How do they treat their partners? Honestly, if you do think that any of them are decent people, I'd outright ask this same question to them. Bet he'd get shamed not for the reason he's stating.
So i actually asked about my situation to on askmen and i got flamed by a bunch of people. Like a lot of people held his view. Like this comment - https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/1c9iqzh/comment/l0lmvie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Reddit is filled with a bunch of sad incel men. Half of those "men" responding to you are probably 14.
Half of those "men" responding to you are probably 14.
Maybe not physically but they are mentally
So there are two separate issues:
You had a past before, he knew, and if that's what he can't get over, 100% on him.
Going through with a hardcore scene when that's not what you two had previously agreed on is an a boundary issue you violated. Certainly the situation is more complicated because you felt pressure to provide money for both of you. Did you have some extenuating circumstances, yes, but ultimately that decision and responsibility fell to you.
This second point is what many of the comments are latching onto there. What you've presented here is mostly the first point. So you'll get the split response depending on the details you provided.
That said, if he considers that cheating and isn't willing to forgive and get past it, then I don't see a future together. Maybe he's too comfortable to actually leave you but as you can see, if he's not getting over it, the resentment only builds up and gets worse over time.
I see
This is Reddit. Half the men on here are manosphere content guzzling depressed burnouts. Of course they agree with him lol
Those comments are gross. They're essentially blaming you for your husband's shitty behavior. Do not listen to the BS about men being "shamed" into accepting women's past sexual history. Your husband chose to accept yours. Even if he's not totally comfortable with it, it isn't an excuse to treat you poorly. He should move on with his life if he can't deal, not treat you like trash.
He has red pill brain.
If you want to learn more about these things from men's communities that are supportive of women I'd check out r/exredpill or r/menslib. Most of Reddit is trash but those communities are pretty good at helping women navigate situations with their sexist partners.
There are a lot of men who hate women. This isn't the gotcha you think it is.
Baby... his friends opinions of him are more important than treating his wife kindly. He can get his friends to suck his dick.
He is already trash. Please leave him and get therapy as to why you keep repeating a pattern of abuse with garbage partners.
How have you married a man without knowing his personality? He sounds utterly horrid.
It's common among a small percentage of single/divorced unhappy angry man-childs.
His belief is quite possibly the dumbest thing I've heard in years. I don't even comprehend the logic of it.
Genuine question. Why did you marry someone that treats you like trash and thinks they're justified in doing so?
No. Your husband is treating you the same way as the ones that treated you like trash. He’s therefore also trash.
Agreed. Steamy pile of trash that needs a kick to the curb.
"let" guys in the past treat me like trash and if he treats me better that makes him trash.
Are you sure you're explaining his perspective correctly? Because this makes absolutely zero sense to the point where I'm assuming there is a communication error.
What isn't clear? He is arguing that i "let" other people treat me like trash and if he treats me lovingly he's a simp or trash himself. My question is how common is this view.
Has he always been like this or did he just discover Andrew Tate or some other BS redpill podcast.
Either way, in a messed up way, you do have a choice, continue to endure this or actually take a stand and consider separation. Let him know he isn't going to get to treat you anyway he likes
He always held resentment and anger about my past but he's been using terms like simp more recently, which I didnt even know what that meant until i had to look it up
He's an abuser with an excuse.
It's sounds like he lead himself to what he wanted to hear. You need to leave him.
What does your past have to do with anything? The past is the past and he should be worried about treating you BETTER than the people in your past, not worse. You need to pick your standards for men up off the ground and divorce this guy. Marriage is not a competition for who can care less about the other.
It’s not the past when it happened in the relationship
So he resents that you were abused and claims that this justifies his abuse. This man is going to abuse any children you have and you'll tell them they deserve it. How very fucking sad and sick.
If your past is a problem, why did he start a relationship with you. Think about it...would you be with someone if their past bothered you that much?
There’s not one bit of logic there.
In 56 years and 26 years of marriage and knowing lots of married friends of all ages, I’ve literally never heard anyone say anything close to this bullshit.
Yea, unfortunately this marriage isn't going to work out. I know you said in a previous post he knew about your past sex work. But sounds like his resentment is growing. That doesn't usually get better with time. You can't change the past but deserve to find someone who accepts it for what it is. His resentment has become abusive. Its only going to hurt you more mentally with time. You shouldn't stay. I wish you the best, OP.
So his logic is that he should lower himself to asshole level so that he’s NOT TRASH? That makes zero sense on any level
It's not a common view.
Hes right you do, you are literally letting him treat you like trash. And making excuses for him. Go to therapy because you clearly arent listening to us.
uncommon and you shouldn't be with him
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24d
🤣 Gd, I hate to laugh when there’s serious abuse at foot, but that sent me.
Eh what? I call bs. No, its not a common thing among guys. Its a common thing among POS.
OP is leaving out important info.
Years ago when engaged they agreed she’d do a soft core porn scene (simulated sex like a Hollywood actor/actress might do) because they needed the money. When she arrived the producers told her it was going to be hard core, with penetration, etc. she went through with it.
They were likely desperate for the money, but the difference between simulating and penetration is huge.
The agreed boundary was blown past in spectacular fashion, and he rightfully feels like he was cheated on.
Years of resentment over that along with the recent growth of “the manosphere” has him feeling like are fool for what he agreed to and what he swept under the rug when boundaries were thrown aside.
This situation is so much more complicated than the post makes it appear.
OP, I believe you two need marriage counseling and individual therapy if this marriage is to be saved. Neither the way he’s treating you, nor the actions and decisions that brought the two of you to this point are ok.
This should be higher. The amount of comments I had to sift thru to try and figure out what was clearly missing in the OP was a surprisingly high amount. Thanks for the context.
ffs, are you married to a teenager?
Context:
OP did a porn before meeting husband.
Husband found out when they were engaged, not married.
Then OP did one more porn again.
Maybe he thought he could get past it, but he can't. It's on him but this marriage will not healthy.
They were both when we were engaged. He knew about them, but neither of us knew the details of the second one like specifically how it would be.
But you did a porn after meeting him.
Did you discuss it with him before doing it. Did he agree with it? Did you keep him dark or went ahead against his opinion.
Yes he knew about it, but like i said the second shoot they misrepresented themselves and did not respect boundaries. When I came home and told him, it was already too late and done. He went ballistic throwing things and has been growing resentment since then
Did you discuss it with him BEFORE doing it. And did he agree or disagree with it
Yes but like i said NEITHER of us knew about how the second shoot would be and i didnt have a chance to tell him because i already traveled to the studio then. by the time i realized what was happening it was too late
Were you forced? Could you not complaint against them to police.
Because something happened to which he didn't agree. So maybe he doubts you did it willingly.
He should not have married you if he couldn't handle it.
Curious: did you sign a contract that says you couldn't back out? If I went for a job and saw that what was advertised is not what they're doing, I'll leave. So, couldn't you leave?
What do you mean the second shoot and by the time you realized what was happening it was too late? Were you subject to non-consensual sex? That’s terrible and your husband’s response is also abusive knowing what he knows. Girl you’re not a bad person but you’re in a bad situation, get help and get out. I feel for you.
So people took advantage and abused his wife and his solution was to get angry at you?? That’s absurd, what an asshole.
“I wouldn’t have gotten with you in the first place if you believe how I was treated was acceptable. I deserve kindness and common human decency. I thought you were different. It turned out you were trash, too. We need to discuss divorce, now, because I will not be treated like this going forward.”
This! He’s excusing the other people’s behavior by victim blaming, simultaneously telling you that you deserve it because of the way you are. Disgusting behavior.
You really buried the lede here by not mentioning that the bigger issue is that you did hardcore pornography in the past:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/1c9iqzh/how_much_do_men_really_care_about_their_friends/
I'm not saying your husband is correct, but there's a big difference between 'my husband doesn't like my past' and 'I did hardcore pornography and anyone can watch videos of me having sex for money'.
Is your "man" 12 ?
Being good to your wife makes you a simp? Looool how old is this dude?
I'd tell him if he hates women so much, he needs to go marry a man and be happy. Because clearly he has an issue being married to a woman.
ETA: I just read your other post about this all began after you told him you shot a video for Facial Abuse. First and foremost, I'm so sorry you experienced that. They truly are abusive and awful in their videos.
Secondly, he doesn't have to accept your past. This should have been something you told him prior to marriage. That being said, he should be getting the divorce that he clearly wants instead of degrading and verbally abusing you. This was a deal breaker for him and he doesn't have the maturity to deal with this in an appropriate fashion. Get out while you can.
Normal, healthy, fully-functional, adult men who respect women as actual human beings and especially love, care for, support, and respect their wives as important people in their lives worthy of their love and respect do not think like this. This is only "common" in the loudly and perpetually online red pill/incel community.
Your husband sounds like a psychopath.
I mean he should love you and cherish you of course as a husband, that should be a given. You may have simply selected the wrong individual for yourself. Especially in relation to your past activities. I took a peek at your post history. That has to be difficult for any man to get past. Some men will find it harder than others. I think you just have a man who has particular difficulty with it, yes probably because of ego and mistaken ideas about masculinity, but nonetheless, this man doesn't sound emotionally suited for a woman like you. My opinion.
a woman like me...he calls me damaged goods
You're worthy of love, you just need the right guy
That sad excuse for a man will put you down every day because he knows if you one day realize you deserve better you will leave him.
So instead of showing you that he loves you and treats you better, which means he has to become better, he will beat you down mentally and emotionally because he's afraid of being alone.
This is how weak men keep women in relationships with them. Through abuse. And they disguise it as "alpha male" energy because they align themselves more with an animal than a person. (And is also silly because it's been proven there are no alpha and betas in the wolf world, so they're also stupid on top of being terrible people.)
You deserve better. And there are better men out there. He's below the average man with the way he treats you. So trade up.
You’re not damaged. He’s trying to “neg ” you so you never leave him. He’s pathetic.
and also not "goods" lol
OP you're a human person, and your husband is treating you like someone on the playground was playing with his toy
Alright, that’s straight up emotional abuse. OP I’m sorry you ended up in this situation. But for future reference, anyone who tells you they love you but treats you like this is lying.
Disrespectful. If he actually believes this, why did he marry you?
Typical woman hater. They all say shit like that.
GIRL. Leave!!!!
DONT EVER BELIEVE THAT!! We all have a past as does he, and he’s using yours to hide behind it!! Some man will see you as a treasure as you should see yourself!!!
Woah. Babe, get OUT of there
I desperately hope this is a troll post.
If it's not, I'd work on quickly un-husbanding him. What an awful thing to say to someone, especially your spouse.
I actually tried to envision saying this to my wife and it made me cringe just thinking about it.
Your spouse has brainrot from too many MRA podcasts and may need deprogramming or be a lost cause entirely. You don't deserve to be treated badly, especially not by a partner who has made a lifelong commitment to you.
Nope. What makes him trash is treating the woman he promised to love, honour, and protect, like trash.
This is standard redpill/incel nonsense. A true man honours his wife and doesn't try to tear her down to make himself feel better.
I didnt even know this was a political thing, i thought it was just how guys see things in society
It's not political. It's an insecure man falling into an internet rabbit hole and thinking that there is some alpha-bro stereotype that he has to live up to.
I think he feels emasculated by being with me and it angers him everyday, like his resentment is growing
Okay so it sounds like you did two adult films while you were engaged to your current husband. He initially consented because you two needed the money at the time, but the second video wasn’t what was initially agreed upon and he has never let that go.
Here’s my take: you need to leave. This is not something he will ever change his mind on. Is it his fault that he cannot forgive you and holds this against you, when initially he consented? Absolutely. The problem is that he will continue to treat you like garbage because you’re allowing him to. You haven’t left him after all the demeaning things he’s putting you through and things he’s said to you. So, to put it harshly, that’s on YOU at this point.
The biggest glaring issue to me is that he was okay with you doing an adult film because HE also needed the money. He was fine with you potentially ruining your future reputation because HE also benefited from it. After the fact, he decided he wasn’t okay with it.
Girl, don’t walk, RUN. This will not get better.
I agree. He signed up for this and really didnt like it. It almost sounds deliberate... i can ask her to do xyz and i know she'll do it, and i get a wife out the deal who i really dont have to do much for.
The fact that he agreed to this thing (even if it didn't turn out to be what he thought) is just beyond the pale.
The better question is why do you allow not just your husband, but anyone, to treat you like trash? Set your boundaries and do not allow people to mistreat you. If they do, leave.
Absolutely not! I’ve been with my husband 12 years and he still treats me like a queen (I treat him well too!). It’s insane to me that “simping” on the person you’re supposed to love and be with for the rest of your life is something bad to some of these men out here. Sounds like he’s been consuming too much Andrew Taint bullshit. Throw the whole man away. He doesn’t respect you.
he said why should he treat me like a queen when i allowed other men not to and if i do what does that make him compared to the other men? a trash simp.
Your past is completely irrelevant to your current relationship. Thats just some cop out bullshit excuse. To that, I’d reply “I guess it’s time for me to find someone who will.”
When i was 22 I dated and had children with someone in the adult industry in 1994 in Toronto, Canada. I loved her with all my heart and treated her as such. What you do for a living has nothing to do with how your husband should treat you. I'm so sorry for your treatment. Truly. Your husband is dead wrong. If you were my wife and my friends disrespected you, we'll, they wouldn't be friends of mine. A husband's wife should be his best friend, first and foremost. Who needs anyone else when you have a friend like that anyway.
wtf? Most ridiculous bullshit I ever heard. He’s an asshole!!
I would begin saving money discreetly. A marriage needs respect, cooperation, kindness and effort -- and he's not showing he's husband material to you.
You have to know that this is wrong. That the language he's using feels hurtful because it is. A healthy marriage can't survive with a hurtful partner. A lot of others have commented on what his language comes from (misogyny, MRA, pick up artists.) But you need to also consider the purpose he has in telling you this rhetoric. He's degrading you.
You should consider that he may have married you so he could manipulate and abuse you -- enabling him to feel a sense of control over you. You deserve a functioning marriage with a partner invested in a healthy future.
Girl. You’re husband told you a reason he treats your poorly; he thinks treating his wife poorly is justified.
What are you doing???!!!
Lolwut?
No.
No!
What?!?
No!!
He's just a fucking asshole.
Don’t know if this is bait. But if it’s not, I’m sorry about your situation. From your comments it looks like you don’t think very highly of yourself or your past, and maybe part of you agrees with what he says to you which might be why you stay with someone who is putting you down. However, you do deserve better and the way people treated you in the past doesn’t reflect on your character it reflects on theirs.
I think his math is all wrong here: if guys in the past treated you like trash, and he is treating you the same way, then he is already trash.
Are you trying to understand your husband’s mentality over how you’re accepting to be treated? Basically it sounds like your husband is finding excuses to mentally abuse You and wants you to accept his reasoning and the abuse.
How do you feel about all of this? How do you feel about yourself? Have you gone to therapy to figure out what you feel, what you really deserve (better), and why you are part of this toxic dynamic in relationships?
To answer your stated question, no, I don't think this is normal or healthy. My husband has never asked me about how past partners have treated me to use a barometer as to how he should treat me. Also, he is a grown man with children and work responsibilities, as are his friends, and frankly it would be weird if they were all judging each other on how they treat their wives/spouses/partners based on history. I agree that it sounds like your husband has been consuming questionable content online and you should demand better.
Well even if we allow all his assumptions to be true, the logic makes no sense. If you 'let' something happen, but learned and grew and realized you'll no longer allow it happen.
Here's an analogy: When I was bad with money, I 'let' someone manage my money and investing for me. Turns out they were just taking advantage of me and giving me bad advice just to earn big commissions. I didn't realize this until I had learned and grew more. I fired them and found a new advisor. Do I have to 'let' my new guy treat me the same way just because the first guy was a grifter?
To answer the question: no it's not really common. Some groups of people try to push this narrative but it's entirely self-serving.
Did you tell him of the videos before the wedding or after?
He knew about them before we married.
Sounds like he thought he could handle but he can’t. Most men don’t want partner with a past of adult films/videos. Unfortunately he’s not going to change. I think you know what to do and again, like before, be upfront with it
So, he's using your past as an excuse to treat you badly?
Nope. Time for therapy and/or time to go.
So he admits he could treat you better, admits he doesn't want to, admits he won't treat you better and you think loves you? Your husband is trash, so take it out.
Absolutely not he is bonkers
That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. Have him read this post and that does not wake him up…move on. Life is to short not to get the respect and love you deserve. ✌️
Uhhh, it sounds like your husband is already trash.
I mean, is it common? Sure. It's also common for men to beat their wives and cheat on them. Doesn't mean it's normal or acceptable.
Your husband fell down the redpill pipeline.
It’s super misogynistic and borders on homoeroticism (while simultaneously hating gay men, weirdly)- everything they do sexually/romantically is about other men. Not women. It’d be a deal breaker for me. It’s like someone becoming a nazi.
If people treated you badly in the past, all the more reason to be loving and kind to you now!
Your husband is broken. Dump him and find a husband who loves you and treats you beautiful regardless of who you were in the past!
You need to leave him. Brain poisoned. Won’t get better. And an idiot to boot. Don’t waste any more time trying to understand him. Instead focus on getting away from him. He’ll be happier with his online friends.
Throw the whole man away. He should be proud and grateful for the opportunity to love and be loved.
Why are you married to him if he treats you like trash? Regardless of whatever bullshit reason he came up with.
That’s not normal at all… your husband has some serious issues. My SO is not a simp. He treats me as a man should treat his woman. He prioritizes my happiness, safety and he goes above and beyond to ensure he’s treating me in the best possible manner. He takes it upon himself to change aspects of his character that he thinks can be better. I got lucky af and I recommend not continuing to settle for this type of behavior if you want to be truly happy with someone you’re intertwining yourself with.
I don’t give a damn what my friends think when it comes to how I treat my wife.
OR if he treats you like trash that makes him trash???
What a vile man.
This is the weirdest thing I've seen on this sub honestly. It's not common, your husband is an ass and you deserve better.
You husband having this thought process makes him trash. He's already trash. So he might as well treat you well.
He's in some very toxic thinking. I'm sorry you are married to that. Get him into therapy to start deconstructing that crap otherwise you are in for a bad marriage. You deserve better than that.
You don’t have a marriage. You have a roommate who use’s you poorly, and only values the sex that you give him.
If you had any ounce of self respect you would pack your shit and leave immediately.
No one should ever be treated that way, especially a supposed loved one. However I am not sure you are telling the full story here - apparently you did two adult movies while engaged to him and he has been resentful ever since? This is still his fault, as if that wasn’t something.he could deal with, then he should have left back then. Some people can’t handle that. But if he continues treating you like this, then you should leave.
This is a fucked up train of thought. This man does not respect you and it kind of sounds like he doesn't even like you. You don't have to live like this. Get away from this man and find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
This seems to be a common point of view among certain men. Many women will even warn others to never share how your past male partners have mistreated you with your current one because he won't respect you. In my opinion, share away. If his response isn't compassionate or reassuring, run. Better to know than not know. However I've also had the experience where they don't react poorly, but they won't treat you much better because they think you're the kind of person who settles.
But honestly just don't date guys like this at all. Anyone who thinks less of you because you "allowed" someone to treat you badly needs to give their head a shake. Its giving victim blaming. As if its YOUR fault that your ex treated you badly.
To put it bluntly OP, your husband's pov makes him trash. He sounds like he has an abusive mindset. It's not your fault that men were shitty to you in the past, those men are at fault.
Any man who thinks treating his woman with the utmost love and respect makes him a simp isn't worth your time.
that is ridiculous. how about treating you with respect like a human being deserves?
it has nothing to do with what any "past partners" did. ffs why are you married to this guy? i'd divorce his ass in a heartbeat.
No person deserves to be treated like trash. If former BFs treated you that way, it was because they were assholes. Your husband is being an asshole too.
I have no idea what that means. That’s a twisted logic I cannot comprehend.
“People treated you like shit in the past so I have to.”
WTH. That’s messed up.
Your husband is a sexist dumbass who is probably hooked up to the red pill algorithm so it will only get worse.
As a husband I think your's sounds like a piece of shit. Is he one of those sad and pathetic tools that thinks he's an 'Alpha'? Do yourself a favor and kick his ass to the curb. Go find yourself someone that will treat you with the love, dignity, and respect that you deserve.
Either he changes his friends or you change your hubby. Not normal!
That’s ridiculous. Did you point out to him that you are no longer with those guys and maybe that’s because they treated you like trash.
This is stupid logically if that was his thoughts he should never have married you. Technically. The fact he thinks like that says a lot about him 😂 useless man
Why did he marry you if he hates your past so much that it prevents him from treating you better? That makes zero sense to me. And why would you put up with this?
No. Your husband sounds like a dipshit.
This is really problematic. I would want to ask some compelling questions. So you care more about what your friends think than being kind & loving toward me despite the fact that our marriages suffers? If you have to choose the acceptance of your friends or a happy & healthy marriage of two people lovingly serving one another what would you choose? This is behavior of a very young man. It makes me think of gang mentality & trying to maintain street cred by being mean to someone you love. Would you be happy if our daughter accepted a man whom treated her like this…
It sounds more to me like your husband is just trash. Why did you marry him if he treated you poorly?
Mature people don't think like this.
Sorry but that’s just abusive straight up.
Is that a common thing guys believe in?
"NO"
I'm 39M, my wife and I have been together for 17 years. Some of the guys she was with before we got together treated her pretty badly. She left those guys. We treat each other with respect and are partners.
A marriage is a partnership between two adults. Is he a partner that treats you in a loving way? Do you decide things together? Do you make choices as a couple?
It makes me truly sad seeing that people like this will do this. I am sorry, but you’re better off without him. It will just keep reoccurring. I don’t understand why people can cheat and do this to others.
What the shit? That's the dumbest "logic" I've ever heard. Sounds like he definitely found some red pill bullshit and swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
Babes, you need to leave that marriage bc wtf does that even mean. He basically doesn’t treat you well because he feels doing so would make him “less than” the guys who treated you poorly. Get some self-esteem and leave.
Idk if it is common but even if it was that doesn't make it right. Treat a person like you want to be treated.
You need to work on your self esteem. I’m reading your replies and I’m lost for words. He calls you “Damaged goods”. Why are you accepting that kind of treatment? Why doing you think you’re worth more? Lady, leave!
Huh? That statement doesn't even make sense. He treats you like shit because he's a shitty person. Period.
What the goddamn fuck no. Some guys treated my wife badly before I met her. And do you treat him better than any of his exes did? If every relationship means you have to treat your partner no better than the ones before then relationships would just be downward spirals of awfulness.
It took me 2 years and 4 therapists to finally get it into my head that I was in an abusive marriage. I asked for a divorce last week and the feeling of standing up for yourself is exhilarating.
Absolutely not. He sounds like a baby.
That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard LOL
He is already trash, so no worries there.
His response to
why he doesn't treat me better
Should immediately be " What can I do to improve?" Or something along those lines. If he loves you, what people have done to you in the past should be irrelevant. You two are now the ones in the relationship. There's a reason those relationships ended. His reasoning would be like a doctor repeating the same process other surgeons did that resulted in death.
I'm assuming the dude has other red flags
That is very sick and poor logic.
That man should be divorced sitting in a basement in his boxers playing DoTA, picking cheese from his belly button.
That is not husband material.
You're husband is a fucking moron.
He’s an idiot/asshole. Dump him Like the others.
What he’s saying is that you ALLOWED men to disrespect you. Did you share this information with him and did he treat you the same way before you got married? The point is, if you allow yourself to be disrespected the behavior will continue. He’s making a CONSCIOUS effort to devalue you and he told you to your face. Now the ball is in your court..From what you’ve shared it appears this man does not cherish or love you.
Your husband has almost certainly had his brain broken by some sort of manosphere Youtube/Podcast nonsense.
That type of behavior should make him divorced.