So an engineer dies and finds him self in hell, the devil welcomes him and sends him to his spot, the he starts feeling to hot….

Long

….. “it’s to damn hot in here” he says, he starts looking around and finds the air conditioning box, after a few minutes he manages to fix it and hell now has air conditioning, satisfied the engineer checks his phone only to discover there no cellphone service or internet connection, he looks around and finds the antena and proceeds to fix it as well and other stuff around in hell.

A week later God comes down to check on hell, and he can’t believe his eyes, “what is going on here???” He asks, the the devil appears, “oh hey dad, you won’t believe it we got an engineer down here, he’s been fixing stuff around here and everything is great!!”, “wait what?!?!, how can this be? All Engineers go to heaven! It’s in their contract!, if you don’t give him back I’ll sue you!!!” Says god angrily, and the devils shouts “ha! Good luck finding a lawyer”

in Jokesby luisp_frs

2.6K

92%

21d

Vree65

400

20d

Huh, I've heard a different version.

A couple dies before their wedding day, they ask St Peter if they can still get married in Heaven. St Peter says: Give it 1 year, and if you're still certain, I will help you.

1 year passes and St Peter shows up with a priest. He asks if they still want to go through with it, they say yes. "But if we change our mind later, we can undo it, right?"

"Are you kidding me? It took me 1 year up here to find a priest who went to Heaven, do you have any idea how long it'd take to find a lawyer?"

xiroir

20d

This is one is muuuuch better worded! It flows better and the punchline is a one-two punch.

cacheblaster

691

20d

As far as engineering jokes, I always liked “Why can’t engineers tell jokes timing?”

BigBobby2016

232

20d

The first company I worked for had entertainment at their xmas party called "Engineers telling Jokes." The joke was that we told jokes terribly. One year someone told OPs. It was so terrible

Plus-King5266

111

20d

A friend of mine who switched to accounting from engineering said it best; “I liked engineering, but when I realized that accountants are basically engineers with personalities, I switched.”

Euphoric-Fix1027

20d

And accountants have more authority than engineers; every engineer has an accountant perched on his shoulder like Long John's parrot, going "make it cheaper, make it cheaper!"

Plus-King5266

20d

Ahhh. I see you work for GM.

Dockers4flag2035orB4

20d

Or Boeing?

SumerianPickaxe

19d

I'll attend your funeral

Euphoric-Fix1027

20d

I get the joke, but when I worked in electronics it was the same. When the chief engineer/owner wanted the parts count reduced on a design, it went to my desk.

OldElvis1

🍰

20d

I joke here at work, "If the companies we deal with were to cut thier services to Free,you be pissed next year, cause they didn't cut it further the following year."

catty_big

20d

I thought it was the other way round, and that accountants were engineers without personalities.

Plus-King5266

20d

It gets confusing. Kinda like the whole tornado watch or warning thing.

nookane

20d

Being a New Englander who spent a lot of time in Oklahoma I finally got the watch/warning thing down pat. Watch means go outside and take a look warning means DON’T.

Plus-King5266

20d

🤣 Yep. Growing up in the Midwest/Great Lakes I got it too. It was confusing as a kid because I thought if there is a chance, warn people, if one is coming, watch out for it. Clearly I had it bass-ackwards, but I wasn’t alone. I have to educate adults on the real meaning to this day.

Orisphera

19d

Watch out literally means go outside and watch

Beautiful-Party8934

19d

I always thought "watch out" meant duck.

Orisphera

19d

Go out and watch ducks

Beautiful-Party8934

19d

No watch out and duck..... as in look out, think fast ..... although I saw a guy get a duck in the face at a golf course once .....

.... and two of us yelled "watch out." he turned to look, bad idea.

Had he ducked .... well, you get it, right?

Continue thread...

nomadic_memories

20d

Not enough time in Oklahoma then...

We had a watch party in the front yard during an F-4 back in 1993.

We watched it tear everything up.

FungalEgoDeath

19d

You guys do very different things for fun than the rest of us

psyco-dom

20d

That's not confusing when you replace tornado with tacos... A taco watch, we have the ingredients to make tacos, be prepared for if we have them. A taco warning, we have tacos that are made and ready to eat, hurry before they are gone.

Orisphera

19d

So, as I understand:

Watch means prepare to hide (eat). Warning means hurry up and hide (eat) now

That makes more sense than what Nookane wrote

johnpeters42

19d

If an accountant ever tries to tell a joke, run.

GreenWeenie1965

20d

Actuaries are Accountants with less charisma.

callmeishmael_again

20d

They're people who can't handle the excitement of accounting.

GreenWeenie1965

17d

Cheers for knowing what an actuary is!

kezopster

20d

That could be my brother. It never made sense to me. After a very promising start at a very good engineering school, in his junior year, he abandoned engineering for accounting. When asked why, he would reply, "I finally met enough engineers to know how boring they are." You know, because accountants are apparently party animals?

Plus-King5266

20d

We are. We’re just shy of at the company Christmas party you can always find the accountants. They are huddled in the corner daring each other to go talk to one of the marketing ladies.

kevronwithTechron

20d

Lol wut?

Substantial_Hand_100

19d

Happy cake day!

mcgarrylj

20d

Because he left his timing belt at work.

butterbeard

17d

How can you tell an introverted engineer from an extroverted one?

An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when he's taking to you.

mycatisgrumpy

251

20d

An optimist thinks the glass is half full. A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. An engineer thinks the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

johneboy32382

20d

An optimist thinks the glass is half full. A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. An engineer says to him self " yes more room for vodka"

spudsboy

20d

A glass is always 100% full. Clearly there are no scientists on here.

Orisphera

19d

But sometimes it's full of/with

kublermdk

20d

A Russian engineer?

User deleted comment

20d

Mysterious-Alps-4845

20d

Here I sit sphincter flexin just squeezed out another texan

Hot_Entrepreneur_128

20d

I saw that written on a public bathroom wall...next to a urinal...

2Old2BLoved

20d

100% safety factor...

EnglishDragon98

20d

Space engineers?

VegetarianReaper

20d

Sounds like it!

WestonABC

20d

The glass has a factor of safety of 2 against overtoping.

Fragrant-Dig-7791

20d

The glass is at 50% capacity

No-Raisin-6469

20d

With a tolerance

yIdontunderstand

20d

It's early and I read that as optometrist..

Confusing....

RohnekKdosi

20d

Perhaps it's time to see one

Illustrious-Way638

20d

My Grandfather always told me this He would say "u can always tell an engineer u just can't tell him much"

Major_Independence82

316

‎

21d

Satan takes him and shows him three rooms, and tells Dave (the engineer) he can pick the one he wants, but he has to stay there forever.

The first room has people lying on their backs in a pool of shit; the second one has people standing waist-high in rotting flesh; the third has guys standing knee-deep in vomit, but they’re also drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Without hesitation Dave picks room three.

Satan asks “You’re sure? You’ll be in vomit for eternity” but Dave insists, and walks into vomit up to his knees. Satan looks into the room and says “Everyone, here’s Dave, he’s joining you for eternity”, then Satan looks at his watch. “And break is over. Everyone back on your heads.”

*corrected spelling

JollyOutcome88

201

21d

A lawyer dies and goes to hell. He is given a pick of his room. First one people are lying on shit. Second one has people hanging above hot oil. And third one has a girl giving a guy a BJ but he is hanging from the ceiling. Lawyer picks room 3. Satan says “Monica you are relieved”.

AppiusClaudius

115

21d

You can tell this is modified from a bill Clinton joke

JollyOutcome88

20d

Indeed.

SternePolizei

20d

Between lying in shit, boiling in oil fumes and getting my degree in linguistics, I'm definitely choosing to become Mister Tongue Twister

Orisphera

19d

Why does she use her mouth if she has a vagina? (Also, the concept of childbirth in the afterlife seems weird to me)

dlowbeer

20d

Hey, it's Dave

Orisphera

19d

I think they would have asked if they'd be always like that if they had known. But personally I probably wouldn't care because I wouldn't be able to do anything (such as making a game engine and launcher or a programming language or writing a book or making cartoons or making suggestions or reporting issues) anyway. The lower levels may still be desirable, but I see no point if I can't do anything good and preferably creative later (or as a means to it)

cat_police_officer

15d

Don’t worry, he will be fine, I’m pretty sure god knows Dave.

dumbassname45

20d

But I heard there was one lawyer that went to heaven. He was driving to work then suddenly died and appeared infront of the pearly gates. He turned to St. Peter and asked what happened? St.Peter replied he died of old age. The lawyer said that couldn’t be right. He was the youngest partner in the law firm, he is only 35. He drives the most safest car in the world. He doesn’t drink and eats only organic food, and exercises regularly. He couldn’t have died.

St.Peter said yes that does seem funny so he agreed to take a better look, and disappeared back into heaven and was gone for several hours. On his return he said that he had checked every record and definitely the lawyer had died of old age at 103 year old. The lawyer retorted back that they must have bad records or something else is wrong. He was only 35.

St.Peter replied, you are a lawyer correct. I think I understand why you are confused. Here in heaven we calculate age by billable hours.

Ok-Commercial3640

21d

god replies "Easy, all the good ones found a loophole"

MajorHowes

20d

‘It’s too damn hot…’ to be correct.

ManticoreMonday

20d

Kiss me Kate.

CrewSwimming8084

20d

Two in one joke! 🤣

No_quarter_asked

20d

How do you know someone is an engineer?

Just wait a few minutes, they'll tell you...

And Yes, I am...

luisp_frs

20d

As an engineering student I can confirm this

luisp_frs

20d

And I just proved the point

Beautiful-Party8934

19d

So basically, an engineer is a vegan with mad math skills.

No_quarter_asked

19d

The question is: if you're a vegan engineer crossfitter from Texas, which one do you brag about first?

Beautiful-Party8934

18d

With that ..... " I'm a Texan crossfitter vegan engineer" or shorten it to

"hey look at me"

momentimori

21d

God brings out St Thomas More.

DrMux

21d

It was between him and some guy named Lester.

More or Les.

luisp_frs

-7

21d

Thank you for ruining the joke dude

No_Reputation2120

20d

Reminds me of an epitaph

"Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a .44, no Les, no more".

link to the story https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/19899/lester-moore

Cute-Perception2335

20d

Many years ago, when I worked in a university, I told that joke to an Engineering Dean, who gave me the stink eye until the punch line! Timing is everything.

tumunu

19d

The way I heard it:

So one day a not-particularly well known lawyer dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, and eventually they get to this really extravagant mansion, and St. Peter tells the guy this is where he's going to live. The lawyer is amazed the he, pretty much a nobody, gets such a luxurious place. So he asks St. Peter who lives in the ordinary houses in the area, and he hears back "oh, this guy was a saint, this guy a pope, this guy a president of the US," and so on.

The lawyer is amazed and asks why he, a nobody, has a such better place than all these exalted people. St. Peter says:

"Look, we got a lot of saints up here, but you're our only lawyer."

ungnarly

20d

“What the HELL is going on here???” - God

Missed opportunity 😂

fuzzbox000

20d

“What in the HERE is going on here?”

doc_nano

20d

Ha! Lawyer joke disguised as an engineer joke.

Emotional_Anteater74

21d

Good one! 🤣

208lostinseattle

21d

Well written! Just the right pace.

luisp_frs

21d

I didn’t come up with the it but I don’t remember if I heard it at calculus class or what

CrudelyAnimated

20d

"too"

TechnoDudeLDB

20d

How do you know when you're talking to an extroverted engineer?

They look down at YOUR shoes

TheRichTurner

20d

Why does the Devil call God Dad? Is he Jesus's brother? I'm not up on Bible stuff.

luisp_frs

20d

I think so, since angles are not brothers of god, technically they are his children and so was the devil before he betrayed god, but just remove the dad part if you are not sure

BeyoncesThirdNip

19d

So was he acute or obtuse?

No-Raisin-6469

20d

One of my dads favorites

bubblehead685

20d

Bam!

JackdelaHaze

20d

Then the electricty company came to warn God He did not pay the bill so electricity will be gone soon. Real, fake, gone!

Enough-Orchid4662

20d

And All lawyers go to Hell. So they won't find a lawyer in Heaven

luisp_frs

20d

Yes, you got it, instead of the guy that randomly pulled a lawyer that was a saint out of his ass

Worried-Session-4437

20d

Turn about is only fair play....

Okay, so one engineer went to hell...it can happen...

So God goes back up into heaven and rings the bell for Clarence....( yes, there's a pun there)

Clarence Darell appears, gladly takes on the case, and then will be representing God in the civil suit.....

Ya think it will be another trial of the century?? Or millennium??

angrybison264

20d

Engineers deserve to go to hell.

TnBluesman

16d

I resent that. Mostly because since I have 2 engineering degrees, logic dictates I would have to go to Hell TWICE. After being married 3 times, wouldn't that make a total of FIVE??

Vree65

20d

"Dad"

Jesus'd like contest the claim, he doesn't want to split the inheritance that he already promised to the meek among a million siblings

14 missing replies