Jokes: Get Your Funny On!

Being quiet about it.

HDMI

"Don't worry, " said the father. "This is a good learning opportunity. We'll just shoot in the air three times. That's the universal signal for help."

So he shot in the air three times. They waited and waited, but no one came.

"That's okay," said the father. "Nobody was around that time, so we'll just try again. Why don't you shoot this time?"

So the son shot in the air three times. They waited another hour, but still no one came.

"Let's try one more time," said the father.

"Okay, but it better work this time! These are my last arrows."

A large scientific organization in the US decided to pose the question to its computer. "Is there a God?" They fed in all relevant information available and waited.

After a lot of hard disk searching and the checking of all drives, the computer went into an eerie silence for a few hours and then started printing.

Insufficient data

Not satisfied, the scientists started gathering information on God from the world's libraries, archives, and archaeology institutions. They assembled so much information that they realized that one computer could not handle it all.

So they linked all large computers in the country for the operation. They fed in all the information that they had gathered. Again they asked, "Is there a God?" After three days of communication between the computers, and a full twelve hours of eerie silence, the printer revealed the response.

Insufficient resources to compute

The scientists were frustrated, but they were determined that nothing would stop them. After months of negotiations with dozens of governments, they were able to link every computer in the world together to produce the ultimate network.

Just to make sure they fed in all information even remotely connected to every religion around the world, past and present. Finally, they entered in the question, "Is there a God?" The computer whirred into action checking all its drives and then linking with all the other computers. After seven months of activity, and two weeks of eerie silence, the printer finally revealed its conclusion.

THERE IS NOW

The psychiatrist devised a simple test to see which patients had recovered enough to return to society. He assembled all patients and drew a door on a chalkboard. He then announced that whoever was able to open that door would be released from the asylum.

Chaos broke out! The patients began running and fighting to be first to the chalkboard. They began to push, kick, scratch and even bite the door.

Disappointed, the psychiatrist was about to give up when he saw a patient calmly standing next to the wall. Hopefully, he approached the patient and asked him, "Why aren't you rushing to the door?"

The patient replied, " I'm not so mad as the rest to rush to it. There's no way they can open it."

The psychiatrist asked him, "Why's that?"

"I have the key!" the patient replied

Iron Man stops the bad guys, Aluminum Man foils their plans.

an iWitness?

They called themselves The Loggerhythms

The sergeant shows him around, it's a quick visit since there's only barracks and nothing else.

The officer notices there's an enclosed parcel of land with camels in it, and asks what that is about.

"Well, says the sergeant, they have two purposes. Carry supplies on our exercises, and relieve us sexually when we get too frustrated. Luckily they're all female camels."

"why don't you ride them to town and go see a prostitute?" Asks the officer, aghast

"it's a three-day trip one way, sir. Just wait a couple of months and you'll understand."

"well I'll never!" Fumes the officer and he storms away.

Couple of months later, of course, the officer is getting desperate. So on a dark night he sneaks to the field, picks the first camel, drops his pants and go at it.

Once he's done, he realizes the entire camp is watching him, pointing at him, snickering and shaking their heads.

Afraid he's just been made the butt of a practical joke, he musters whatever dignity he has left and yells at the sergeant:

"Sergeant! What is the meaning of this, you told me everyone was doing it!"

"Sir, we do. But of the whole herd you picked the ugliest."

When I wanted to fire the pool boy, she said, "You just feel threatened by young virile males because you're getting older and you're coping with your own mortality."

And my argument was, "We don't have a pool."

Sunak looked at Starmer, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw £1,000 out of the window right now and make somebody happy."

Starmer shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw twenty £50 notes out of the window and make twenty people happy"

Hearing their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot, "I could throw both of them out of the window and make 64 million people very, very happy!"

Because then they'd be contractors.

A Norse hoarse horse course, of course

Jose and Josb

are all their forecasts partly cloudy?

Turns out that only animal he doesn't mind killing is himself!

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Things have …been a little Rocky between us ever since.

The Pope’s favorite sandals were in need of immediate repair, so he took them to an old Italian cobbler who had a reputation for working miracles with footwear. Pope: “Can you repair these?” Cobbler: <Nods up and down> Pope: “Praise the Lord. My heel shall be soled!”

All the villagers rushed to get their boats down in order to float safely above, but the village priest climbed upon the roof of the belltower and started praying.

After some time, after the river has flooded most houses until the roof, a fishing boat comes nearby the belltower and its owner shouts "Father, come with us, we will save you!". The priest responded with - "No, I will pray to our lord, and he shall grant me divine salvation"

After the river has flooded even the tallest houses, leaving only the watchtower, belltower and city hall somewhat above the water, a second boat sailed past the belltower, and one of the boys inside it shouted to the priest "father, the flood has almost overtaken the village, come with us to safety", to which the priest shouted back "No, Jesus ourpp saviour shall grant me safety for my piety snd devotion, go, save yourselves!"

As the flood has overtaken the entire village, only the tip of the belltower remained, with the priest holding onto the cross and praying. A final, large fishing boat approached the tip of the tower. "Father, we are the last, jump over, we will bring you to land". The priest, unfazed, told them "No, go, our father from the heavens shall pull his hand down and bring me with his divine force to land, go, await me at the meadow"

Eventually the river floods the entire valley, the father, unable to swim, drowns, and wakes up on heaven being greeted by St Peter. After entering the gates, he goes straight to god, miserable and angry, and goes off at him "I was your most loyal, most devout servant , never broke your commandments or laws and always lived by your word, and inspired others to do the same. Why didn't you save me?"

God, with an a smiling irritated face turned to the priest and said to him "Motherfucker, I sent you THREE fucking boats, THREE! WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ON THEM?"

It was time consuming

Just one.

She holds onto the bulb while the world revolves around her.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.