Except Fire.
Fireworks on July 4th.
A piano player was taking requests. So I asked him, “Can you play a sonata by Mozart?”
Him: Sure. Which one?
Me: The composer.
My dad told me, “Find a girl with a horrible tattoo and try to see if she would marry you.”
Me: Why?
Dad: It means—- she makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.
I called the pizza shop and said, “Can I get a medium pepperoni pizza?”
Pizza guy: No problem.
Me: Will that be long?
Him: No sir, it’ll be round.
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
Me: Well,….that makes two of us.
I just finished a book about a middle aged dude having trouble with computer coding.
The Old Man and the C.
At dinner, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us”.
Me: Why?
Her: For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I see. And for the main course?
My son said that he wanted a porcupine without quills as a pet.
I said, “That’s just pointless.”
TIL: In most African countries, the only way to order at a McDonald’s is to dine in.
Except one.
Togo.
For all the single people on this feed thinking of getting married, here are the pros and cons.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
I told my wife, “My favourite condiment has to be Worcestershire sauce.”
Her: Why?
Me: Well, it’s….hard to say.
I don’t usually make mathematical puns unless I’m desperate.
But I’ll make one if I half two.
I asked the IT guy at work, “How do you make a motherboard?”
Him: I usually tell her about my job.
I asked my wife, “Did you know that Old MacDonald got replaced by artificial intelligence?”
Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.
TIL: Amazon has come up with a new service where they’ll deliver custom made suits to your house within 24 hours.
It’s called… Tailor Swift.
When I was in college, I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.
He was..high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
Netflix is coming up with a realistic documentary about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale….will be shot in front of a live audience.
LPT: An easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon in fancy suits.
It’s like…shooting fish in apparel.
Last week, my wife got a miniature Sylvester Stallone doll and put it in the middle of the bed.
Things have …been a little Rocky between us ever since.
All the comic books that I inherited from my brother are missing the last page.
I ..had to draw my own conclusions.
I asked my wife, “Where did all the butter go?”
Her: I made it into ghee.
Me: Thanks for clarifying.
I asked my wife, “What’s a three letter word for eggs?”
Her: It’s ova.
Me: Why? Because I suck at crosswords?
Man: Your honour, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets.
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. I want to contest half of my parking tickets.
I sat next to a baby on a 10 hour flight. I had no idea it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed at me pulling it off.