Whether it be a unpopular opinion, a certain thing your attracted to, or something you wish that people knew
Ages 20-25, what is something about dating you wanna get off your chest?
DiscussionDating is fun when yall both have strong similarities in personality and interest. Opposites don’t attract in my opinion.
This is my experience as well. Without similar interests, we never had anything to talk about.
I personally think it’s more about similar personalities than similar interests.
This exactly, similarities in interest come and go, but personality makes a world of difference. Yes there can be similar interests, but it's about finding stuff in common in general beyond just interests, but personality too.
Compatible personalities, not necessaily similar.
For example, I'm a massively introverted hermit. I like a partner that pushes me to get out and do things, not one that will enourge my relusive nature
I'm the same way. Also I'm more quiet, focused on very specific things, and stubborn. If I had a girlfriend who was the female version of me, I doubt either of us would be happy with the relationship. As an example of the friction I could expect (not exactly the same, but it is a rough approximation), my personality is pretty similar to my mom's. And she and I used to butt heads constantly. She correctly noted that if I dated a girl like her, I should expect the same thing to happen. And that I should seek someone more extroverted and agreeable who will better balance out against me and keep me from becoming too much of a hermit.
My parents used to say “You should have similar foundational beliefs and lifestyle needs (money, marriage/family goals, religion, politics, relationship boundaries, etc), complementary differences (like what you’re talking about), and you just have to truly like each other - everything else will usually work itself out if you have those to fall back on.”
I haven’t figured out yet if it’s overly reductive or not, but it seems to generally hold true.
I would even rephrase it a bit. Not similarities in personalities but "compatibility of personalities".
We are pretty different with my girlfriend. But she likes my qualities and I do like hers. And I would call it compatibility.
You are all wrong, and I say this as someone who has dated a lot and finally found the one and got married:
It’s about similar and compatible values.
Millennial popping through, common interests are AMAZING. I’m so grateful my wife and I are both into swimming, playing musical instruments, and learning foreign languages!
I wonder where this came from that opposites attract when it is total bullshit. With my girlfriend we are literally same and we are glad that we dont have to change anything. We can grow and learn things together at the same pace which is very nice.
It's a shallow observation based on seeing people who are superficially different getting along. Think metalhead dating a swiftie. Superficially they're different but if they're gonna last they likely share a lot of core values and beliefs
Because you need balance. I’m pretty introverted and need someone else to help carry a conversation. The worst dates I’ve been on is when the girl is less talkative than me. I have way more fun with a girl who’s more outgoing and can bring me out of my shell.
I think it may make sense in a Disney movie or in terms of sheer sexual dimorphism but as for a relationship no opposites don’t attract at least they don’t stay attracted for long
I just finished my psychology degree. the overwhelming consensus in literally all research is that opposites DO NOT ATTRACT. No idea where that idiotic saying came from but… go for people who are similar to you.
I remember in psychology covering how opposites DO attract, but “birds of a feather flock together”. In other words, being different can pique your curiosity but long term success requires similarity for real compatibility
Opposites can attract, but they usually don't last in the long run. Been there done that
Which is why I never understood the relationship between Chidi and Eleanor in the good place. It felt too forced, but maybe that was the point
Yes! Their relationship always felt weird to me. I felt like Chidi's emotions would more likely be hurt easily than blunt outspoken Eleanor.
People need to lower their standards. I believe a large percentage of what people interpret as a dating crisis or loneliness could be solved if people were more self aware of what they bring to the table physically/emotionally etc. and were able to intuit what they feel they deserve, instead of being perpetually lonely and hateful because their standard are not met.
Edit: To be clear, I’m not saying people should settle for less in terms of how they’re getting treated by their partner. Everyone deserves respect and healthy love.
My comment is more referring to things on a more superficial level. I have a very diverse group of friends, and many of them are simply not that attractive yet have their standards of what they need in a woman in terms of their physical looks very high.
You’re more than welcome to spend your life looking for Mrs. Perfect, and good luck in doing so.
And the “emotional” part I mentioned was a bit of a poor choice of words. No one should settle for how they’re being treated. However, if you’re a nasty person with a miserable personality, I’m not exactly surprised that you’re perpetually alone.
I disagree. I think more people simply need to get their shit together tbh. The amount of outright undatable people with unhealthy, unresolved issues is off the charts these days
I think two things can be true. There are a lot of poor dating options out here, but at the same time social media has some people thinking that a man should pay all of their rent and give them lots of money. I've had male friends tell me that women have expected them to help with rent before they're even exclusive
It could be a per area or selection thing, but I've never had any woman I've dated "expect" me to pay...even though more often than not I'm the higher earner.
If anything the women I've been with more often than not have an ex who was quite frankly, a deadbeat and she was the sole earner.
Not sure how common women like that are in real life but as a man I wouldn’t be surprised if I came across one like that and I’d encourage more men to be aware that women like that exist so it doesn’t negatively effect them.
The one I see more is women who seem to have infinite ambition wanting/needing a man with infinite ambition.
I got female friends who work so hard and spend all their money on nice cars, nightlife, and travel. Why not save? Cuz they think/hope they’ll be making more later. I do cut them slack though - they do work hard and one of them makes over $100k.
So when a guy drives a Toyota, even if he has plans to buy a Mercedes later on in life, he sounds “unambitious” to them. He should buy it now and take on the debt because HE WILL make more money. If he doesn’t go into debt now, it’s cuz he’s operating on the thinking that “I might not make more money” and that’s not ambitious.
I blame reality TV and the Kardashians.
This terrifies financially sound men.
If all a woman cares about is money then she’s gonna leave as soon as a guy with more money appears. I wanna be with someone cuz we love each other, not cuz she loves my bank account balance
Also guys in general only seem to do this stuff to attract women. Those memes about how men would be much more likely to be happy living in a smaller home, even a studio apartment with very basic and sparse furnishings exist for a reason.
The car example resonates with me as a car guy. A good friend of mine owns 3 Benzes and maintains them all himself. It can be done for cheap, but it takes a lot of equipment and knowledge. For most of us, it's not worth the hassle and buying a cheaper car that gets the job done makes more sense and requires much less effort for something you may not care about. Even as someone who is very picky about what he wants in a car, creature comforts rarely factor into that, my fixation is cornering performance as an amateur racer. So I drive cars that are small, light, and basic since those give me the most of what I want (and as a welcome side effect, they cost far less to buy and maintain). I'm very ambitious with the competition I use the cars for, but not in the status the cars inherently provide. Something that can't be as easily seen or understood by someone who doesn't share the hobby.
You don't need to be a perfect specimen to be in a relationship. Growing together forms a strong bond.
We are just humans, not perfect logical beings. Even then it takes time to build yourself back up and it helps if there’s someone helping you.
I don't think it's an all or nothing expectation of perfection. But I can assure you everyone here has had an experience trying to date someone who frankly shouldn't be dating. There's a bare minimum level of self expectation and self reliance you need to meet when attempting to date around your own trauma.
Your partner (or even new date) isn't a substitute for a therapist nor shouldn't be expected to "deal" around your toxic behaviors
My partner and I are early-ish millennials surrounded by gen Z (restaurants and academia) and are consistently amused by the amount perceived "toxic" behavior that sound more like 20 years old being young human beings. Their own behaviors are trauma responses that deserve compassion and patience, while the slightest transgressions of others can all be reduced down to major red flags and early onset narcissism. It creates a needle that's almost impossible to thread. Their self-esteem and confidence are so low, while their expectations are laughably high. It's both sad and amusing.
This is an angle I don't see a lot of people looking at it from. And I think you're right. It makes a lot of people believe that their own behavior deserves more empathy, but are unwilling to extend that same olive branch to others.
For me personally, I know I probably have more than my fair share of problems (I was the shy, nerdy, and awkward kid in school who got extensively bullied to the point where my classmates typecasted me as a future school shooter. I had a lot of issues with low self confidence, anxiety, and anger that I still deal with to some extent today) and that I have a host of mannerisms that many will find strange and/or off putting (you don't spend as much time alone as I did and not develop some coping mechanisms that others would find strange). I know I'm like that, so I try to be less critical when meeting women and have put great effort over the years into improving my social skills to lessen the impact of my shortcomings (I'm still definitely a weird guy, but at least I'm somewhat capable of socializing on a daily basis without immediately spooking people now). But I find it hard to get the same consideration in return. I know I was always gonna have a hard time relative to most men given that I am who I am, so it's just something I have to deal with.
But I do find it questionable and laughable that more people than ever call themselves empaths and talk about how accepting they are, but in practice are much more shallow and narrow minded. Probably just one of those things where if you have to call yourself something positive, you're probably NOT that thing. If you genuinely are that thing, it will demonstrate itself through how you conduct yourself.
I agree with you and the guy you disagreed with.
A lot of people do simply need to get their shit together.
But what defines having your shit together? For a lot of people, that definition can be a bit unrealistic.
I think both them and you are absolutely right.
100%. It’s a harsh reality, but it’s just true.
Social media is very much to blame, the algorithms figure you out and all of a sudden your "type" starts popping up in your recommendations feed and now you have a 1000x inflated view of your options. Comparison is also huge, an average guy might post himself with a solid 9/10, and then all of sudden every guy that's above a 6 thinks he'll bag a 9 or 10 easy because basic Ben got one. Girls do something similar where they see a girl who's just as or less attractive getting more attention or more material items than them and now they have an inflated view of the type of attention and material items they're "entitled" to.
Generally speaking, people of similar physical attractiveness stick to each other, but you're spot on about how social media has inflated the egos and perceived attractiveness of many people.
Generally, yes, but Idk if you've been on TikTok, but there seems to be a mini trend of relatively average looking guys in high school and college getting with girls out of their leagues. But I also think in addition to similar attractiveness, people tend to date in similar socioeconomic backgrounds. Guys will complain that a girl is only with a guy because him or his family is rich, and most likely her family is also rich.
I've always thought lowering standards was a poor phrase for what it actually is; broadening what you value in someone beyond the most superficial features.
Also I think we'd be in a loneliness crisis regardless. the consequences of late capitalism on top of toxic gender norms won't be undone because you get laid.
Interesting. Luckily, my standards are as low as my confidence. 6ft under with some granite on top.
So you want a short(er) person with grey hair?
Idk in what way you mean standards but i rather be lonley then have a bad relationship.
Most likely they mean people expect other people to be hot, rich, responsible, funny, kind, smart, and emotionally well. To be fair, this is kind of one of the reasons dating apps suck. They do encourage a more vain assessment of ourselves and others. It’s not the only thing going wrong in dating, but it’s easy to let some opportunities wither on the vine when you think you have many others.
Instead of lowering our standards I think people all ought to ask what we bring to the table and work on ourselves to up that. Don’t settle or you’ll end up unhappy. Better to be single for a long while than drop your standards and be miserable. So many people don’t know how to be comfortable by themselves. Don’t lower your standards but be realistic about what you bring to the table.
I bring NOTHING to the table 😎😎🔥
That's something I've noticed too with younger people dating that struggle. Too many people, generally women, have this very high expectation of what quality man they want when they themselves are merely average. You can desire what you want, but if you're constantly shopping out of your price range, you'll most likely end up alone. It is what it is.
I mean I’m with you, but as a man whose friend base is mostly men, I see it so much with them as well. I definitely see girls around me stay single for a while until they finally lower their standards to a certain extent.
I’m part of an orthodox Jewish community, and I find it interesting that many girls within my community often do “settle” for more than men. When I go through picture of engagements in my community, I do think it’s the men that often “score” in terms of physical appearance.
There’s an Instagram page called Simcha Spot where you can see pictures of Jewish engagement throughout different communities, and I’ll find that in 90% of posts the girls are far more attractive than the guys. I’m not sure how this works outside my community though.
You are completely right. Everyone is looking for the prince/princess, even the toads. It’s been this way forever and exacerbated by dating apps.
If it makes you feel any better the ones that are really awful like this end up alone or so miserable they wish they were alone.
Source: I’m an elder millennial and have watched this more times that I can count
It feels so much harder than it should. I don’t think anything should be given or it should be easy. But in today’s world, speaking from a male POV, it seems quite to hard. In the past, dating used to be an accessory to life. In todays world, feels like it’s an entire new world your going after.
I’m not saying everyone deserves to date, but the average person simply does not seem to get as many opportunities as once received. That’s the issue. We love to talk about highs and lows, but what about the average person? When the average person is struggling, you know there’s an issue.
Also, for many in this age, I truly don’t see these relationships leading to marriage. Everyone older in my family decided by 22-23 their lives basically. In today’s world half the 35 year olds I know are single. Which is fine but it’s just a different world.
I agree. I'm 32. Dating for my gen is complicated. We learnt divorces and the impact it has. Like I have seen my older generation that are in there 50s carrying child support, wife takes half the assets from a husband, and worse the wife and new lover takes the business.
Now I have to hire two lawyers to deal with pre nuptials and post nuptials going forward. I have dated various women, its very hard to find compatibility. Finance is the main reason for incompatibility.
User deleted comment
13d
Finances were most certainly a thing in the ussr. Workers were paid salaries and were responsible for budgeting that money.
The big difference was that the economy was centrally planned (somewhat) and prices/wages were set by the state (kind of).
User deleted comment
13d
I'd also like to add that being ethnically russian was pretty important back then. And it absolutely effected your social status and chances of finding a successful partner. But, yeah, generally everyone had the same amount of money (almost no money at all). But it'd also depend on the historic time period.
And dating seemed easy because there was no dating. It was simply considered unacceptable to go on dates. You were expected to marry the first person you meet after a certain point in life. And I know from my family's experience that people just couldn't divorce. But they'd still separate, they'd just suffer a lot more.
But that's the experience for generations of Boomers and early Gen X, of course
It is very much a different world. As someone who is mid 30s I often tell my husband I am so relieved we found each other before dating had gotten to this point. It was hard enough back in my day and that was pre-hookup apps. People had to actually talk and interact
The amount of people in their 30s and 40s who say this is insane. Sad because I don’t even see how it returns to that ever
This is also complicated because I think our society is still trying to really figure out rules for when it is alright to approach someone else in a public / semi-public place.
Very simple, if attractive - approach freely. If ugly and poor - forget about dating altogether
Yup pretty much my experience in my 20s.i sacrificed my 20s thinking my 30s and 40s would make up for it...it did not.
It still exists for some. Most couples I know met at school, work, or at a party. I met my spouse at a New Years party. Another good place to meet people is at a shared interest group but, if I'm being honest, that's probably for older folks who aren't doing as much of the partying.
Pretty much. Im 28 and got married at 20 and coming back from a divorce has been damn near impossible, its COMPLETELY different now than it was before. And im still having so much trouble figuring out how to even begin navigating the new landscape, as someone who presents male most of the time as well it just feels super hard to approach people outside of apps. Idk its wild how much has changed
The reason dating sucks is because everybody wants to date their favorite influencer or celebrity, and if they're anything less than that, kick em to the side. Nobody accepts peoples flaws, physical or otherwise. On the other side of the spectrum, you have people willing to be in toxic relationships because it fits their storybook narrative.
the thing about dating influencer-types is that when you actually talk to them, they are the most milk-toast people youve ever met. i followed this model/influencer, ended up matching with him in hinge, truly just all looks, no personality. i always remember the advice my mom gave me: hot people are often not nice, dating a little below “your league” gets you funny people that genuinely care
agree w everything u said, just wanted to point out that it's milquetoast, like the character <3
I also matched with a few models on hinge and tinder- the stereotypes were indeed true. Egotistical, misogynistic, and brutally lacking in empathy and self-awareness. I have always gone for personality over looks. As long as baseline physical attraction is there, compatibility is determined entirely by shared values and interests.
Problem is no one knows their league. The average person rates themselves a 7/10
7/10, HA! I'm a 2/10 on a GOOD day
People get offended if you say they're a 5/10 because they genuinely think a 7 is the average these days.
I'm proudly a 5/10, maybe a 6 on the days I dress nice and a 4 if I haven't been taking care of myself.
milquetoast, not milk-toast
Yep, it's odd, but dating, especially in younger people, tend to feel that dating someone average is almost like a sin. Like when has average been something bad?
Don’t look for someone to date/flirt at work. Most people just want to get through their shift in peace and dating/flirting just creates drama.
Adds to the plot.
For real though, you’re right that you shouldn’t look. But if the right person shows up, don’t be afraid to date them just because you work with them.
It's shocking fact but the statistics show a ton of people meet their partner at work or work with their partners. You get a lot of benefits makes scheduling easier.
This is dumb
You're gonna spend most of your life at your workplace, so trying to meet someone through work is not that bad of an idea...
On the contrary, you're gonna spend most of your life at your workplace, so if you break up with that person then you still need to be around them every day.
Ehh I'd agree with this to an extent. Don't just start compatibility testing everyone at work but if you and someone become friends and hit it off, I see nothing wrong. Just keep it professional if there's a breakup.
"Most people just wanna get through in pea-"
Mfer that's like half the cause of the dating crisis: this mindset.
I'm not saying you should harass everyone you meet, just that you shouldn't be so afraid to try things out.
"Never talk to anyone anywhere were all trying to get through our day"
"Why is everyone so lonely?"
“Don’t approach women at the library/coffee shop, grocery store, etc. ”. “Don’t join a Pilates class in hopes of finding someone”. “The guy you met at the bar is not the love of your life, don’t take him seriously”. Like… how tf are you supposed to meet people offline then??
Dude people look at me like I'm an attacker for waving and saying hi on the FUCKING SIDEWALK why???
I was asked out by someone who I really liked and had a crush on myself. The only problem was while he wasn’t a direct report, I sort of was an approver for some of his projects at work so it felt, well, like I shouldn’t be in that position. I remember doing a whole HR training on why that’s also kind of a bad idea. He was a sweet person though, just I didn’t want to end up violating company policy or get in trouble so I had to make a decision to stay away.
I met my husband at work 😳
I believe scanning the area isn't such a bad thing at work. If you test the fields and get a somewhat positive response move it to online asap and dont interact much on work anymore but go outside with the person. No need for other people to mess up a good thing.
I wish I could just meet women at bars like all the boomers say. However 1) bars are way too expensive, unless the atmosphere and entertainment is amazing there’s no reason I’m ever spending $20 on one shot of whiskey. 2) Women don’t go to bars that often because assholes ruined it for everyone else. I don’t blame them, if there was even a very small chance that someone would put drugs in my drinks I wouldn’t go. Shit’s fucked.
That’s why ya gotta go to dives with a younger crowds. I live in a city so there’s a bunch of bars in my neighborhood but I’m in a more “working class” part of the city so the bars I go to cheap and young people flock there which is great. Always live music Thursday-Friday-Sat and a cheap beer like a pbr will only run you $4 and my city consistently reaches top 3 most expensive cost of living in the US. So I def lucked out with that but I’m sure there’s similar shit in your neck of the woods just got to know what the word is.
Okay, so here's the prob with that tho
Most of the dives for younger crowds in my area are basically clubs and it's impossible to talk to ppl there. To make matters worse, no girl goes in alone... They're always surrounded by 4-12 of their "closest friends" so unless I also have a friend or two with me to run interference or smth, I'm just gonna be single it feels like
And then you pull a „hello fellow kids“?
Dating culture sucks not because of dating apps, it’s because of how both genders give “advice” to people looking for advice
Women: “all men are pigs and you’re gonna get SA by them!”
Men: “every women has 10+ bodies, single mothers and you’re gonna finish last”
Great…
That's what it feels like on the internet, but if someone says that at a real social event, you're at the circus and you're speaking to a clown.
Hookup culture is a cancer
According to statistics the Boomers hooked up casually far more than modern youth.
They grew up in the "free love" hippie culture and casual sex wasn't actually that stigmatized in the 60s/70s. Rockstars hooked up a lot and they made it look cool. Older adults didn't like it back then, but boomer youth didn't care much about that.
Specifically those podcasts from both sides saying the most toxic advice
My insecurity rant: I really don’t like thinking about my partner’s past and it somewhat mentally ruins the experience of dating for me.
Because I’ve never had anything like a teenage romance or had any “first times” with somebody similarly inexperienced to me. That probably adds to why I feel shitty when I think of the fact that my partner has exes. I was never anyone’s first, and I’ve never had a longterm relationship.
I’ve always felt second-class or second-rate because of this, and I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t like knowing that whatever I’m doing with my partner, is something he did countless times before with someone else. While intimacy is relatively new to me, he did all of it with someone else plenty.
Idk anymore, but I think a lot of this has to do with the way 21st century dating is. It’s normalised to have a ton of hookups and exes these days. And it’s normalised to expect to have to deal with that baggage when you start dating someone. But instinct tells me there’s something a bit unnatural about all of that.
I get this so much. I'm 25 and very inexperienced. Even in my late teens, my first girlfriend was miles ahead in experience and it was an issue to her and she ended up not wanting to be intimate with me after she learned I wasn't experienced. She was my first kiss at 18 and we made out plenty but nothing more. It made me feel pretty bad when she talked about all of her prior boyfriends and what they did together.
I've always been the odd person out compared to friends and anybody i have wanted to date when it comes to experiences. "When was the last time you did X?" "Uhh... It's been literal years..."
I'm not a kissless virgin as I have a body count of 1. I am still not sure how to navigate any relationships at my age without having that heavy feeling of feeling compared to their past when I don't have much to compare them to. I think it's a complete unicorn situation to meet someone with similar experience as you at a certain point.
I hope you, me, and others with a similar feeling can find some peace soon.
100%
Ppl saying "you didn't miss out on much" when describing teenage romances or first times are soo full of it imo. There's obv something to miss smh
This is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has a past tbh... I couldn't live with that retroactive jealousy ruining the mood every other day.
I wouldn’t say I have such an issue with it that I think about it every day. But it does rear its head every so often, and when it does, it sucks
Good luck finding someone without a past
I'll probably have that issue too. I say probably cause thus far I ain't hit ANY firsts. That itself fucks with me, especially seeing pretty much all my younger relatives that have hit dating age pass me in that regard. It's kind of self-fulfilling at this point, I haven't properly socialized so I'm nervous to try.
Yeah, it becomes a vicious cycle and it sucks. At some points, it’s made me question the purpose of dating altogether
Retroactive jealousy is hell. I know the feeling. It’s part of why my last relationship ended a couple months ago. Funny thing is, here I am. I now have those experiences, with a “someone else,” that I can’t get rid of or should even if I could. Whoever, if anyone, I love that powerfully again may have to deal with those feelings, or may not have that issue at all and simply encounter them in me. I don’t know if there is a complete answer out there for it, except to be compassionate. I know how it feels to be in that position, so i can be considerate of future partners that might feel that way. I wish you the best, whatever that might look like for you. And maybe do try therapy. I’m trying to find a good therapist for me. Maybe it’ll help, the only way to know is to try.
You put this into words too well!
Totally relate to everything you said 😔
I’m a kissless, a-hug-lasting-more-than-4-seconds-less, 18 and a half year old male virgin and I’m so afraid this is going to happen to me. Even if I FINALLY find some romance with a girl… she’ll be miles ahead of me as she likely had like 5+ boyfriends already. Worst fear is that she’ll just leave me because ‘I’ve too little experience’ and thus is stay experienceless.
There are women who don’t care about that sort of stuff or would actually be flattered to be your first. Just hopefully you find them. 🙏🏻
You’re not insecure for caring about someone’s past, that’s a normal rational response as long as you’re not trying to date them despite that
Lmao what, that is not a normal rational response at all, total opposite
To make you feel better: in a room of a billion people, it’s possible for only 2 people to be each other’s first.
I’ve got a few things:
My experience on dating apps hasn’t been great. Being a woman(23), I fear for my safety at times. The guys I like don’t seem to like me. Also, hate the algorithm on hinge because I haven’t really met anyone I’m attracted to on there, and I’m starting to think it’s the app.
That sounds like I’m a pick-me, but whatever.
Lastly, my breakups with previous exes have been hell and I really don’t want to experience that pain again.
The people you like don’t like you, and the people that like you you don’t like. A never-ending cycle 😂
I have a difficult time standing how many girls / woman I see having this ‘problem’
Sorry I don’t necessarily mean that in a toxic way. But I see so many girls / woman saying things like “he treated me like this so where are the good guys at”. Well they’re probably - if they’re lucky - in your so called ‘friend zone’. And that is if you completely didn’t push / scare them away already with an ‘ew’ or something alike.
Im a dude and I do the same thing though. If you don’t tickle someone’s fancy, you just don’t. It’s unfortunate, but it’s life.
It's been my observation, as a guy, that the guys who complain about the "friend zone" and describe themselves as "nice guys" or "good guys" are very frequently actually creepy incels with ZERO self awareness.
I’m 30. Did my time on the apps as a guy. I’m no model but fairly attractive with interesting photos and commentary. It’s the app. It’s how people treat the opportunity of dating because it’s on an app. It’s the elimination of the small things that cause intrigue like a sly smirk or the subtle art of trying to fool the other person but not too well so it causes a reason to laugh, because the forum for romance cannot successfully be on an app. The apps are a black hole of mental energy designed to consume you entirely and never let go.
Around 25, I learned the necessity in this world of monetized attention that I must architect my social experience. Do yourself a favor and spend the time you spend on these apps on meetup.com instead or a local nonprofit’s learning event or action. River cleanups by kayak are so much more fun than hinge.
Apps are shit universally.
What are the type of guys that don’t like you back?
I think you have to be extremely picky to not find a single man you find attractive on the entire app.
I’m not saying hinge is perfect, but with the sheer amount of men using the app there’s no way you can’t find at least 1 person with an interesting profile.
Guys who are multiple points above her, this is pretty much the reality on dating apps, 80% of women are mostly only interested in the top 20% of men on there.
Sounds like the problem is you. Maybe you should start changing your preferences and not go for the "bad boys" if you need to be "afraid for your life"...
Nobody really seems to want to date long-term anymore and it's frustrating. I don't want a short fling or a hookup, I want someone who I actually have an emotional attachment to and it seems like I'm alone in that sentiment
It’s not true that “no one wants to date long-term”. At least within my social circle (friends, coworkers, relatives), actually, no one is looking for short term flings.
Are you looking for dates through an app? If that’s the case, then you’re gonna get more people looking for short-term relationships. Or maybe they’re still looking for long term partners but bailing after a short while if it doesn’t feel right or something
This is what I m looking for but all I find are people who want short term relationships.
I don’t want to invest time and energy into a relationship that won’t even last.
Dating apps will get you some dates, but they'll be much lower quality than dates you can get through organic life circumstances
Where do you meet people organically
I’m of the belief that proximity is the absolute number 1 biggest determinator of who you end up romantically involved with. And by that I don’t mean like, matching with a person 2 miles away, I mean doing activities that expose you to interactions with others often and consistently. I personally met my husband in our college dorm, because we just so happened to have mutual friends and got introduced to one another on a random night. Do things that you like that involve social interactions, and let it go from there.
Its overrated. Im single now and honestly, im fucking happier like that. So many young people get desperate and all sad when they’re single and they try hard to date someone but thats not good. True happiness comes from loving yourself and enjoying yourself. Live your life and do your own thing and eventually you might run into someone
FR same.
I would say don't settle because you don't want to be alone. Don't rush things, but when you think you like someone, take the shot. You might regret not doing so later.
I think that thinking of dating as something that you do just for fun is unhealthy and leads to people being taken advantage of and hurt.
I think it should be fun, of course, if dating someone isn’t fun it’s a sign they may not be a good fit, but people aren’t meant to just use each other for a good time- we’re meant to care for each other in a deeper way.
I agree. I'd love to meet someone who wants a deep and long-term connection instead of a shallow fling. It's so difficult to find someone like that in today's culture, though.
There are a decent amount of people out there with healthy values, mindsets, and boundaries. But a lot of them are already taken.
Imma just get a Ai GF.😂
I'm M26 but I'm also in this mess with you all.
We lack a social hangout spot that isn't some bar or club so that we can actually get to meet people properly, without using a soul-crushing app that's riddled with bots and horrible design features that make you pay their annual bullshit fee.
It's a part of a greater issue, the death of the "third place".
What's hilarious is that even stores like target are hangout spots for young people nowadays
I've recently deleted everything. The only times I've ever felt a real spark were friends-to-lover type situations. They've never panned out, but they've been the deepest romantic feelings I've had for someone else, so I figure the solution is to love myself, discover new hobbies, and make more friends. I'm convinced that the apps are cesspools.
People need to stop striving for Instagram supermodel qualities in dating partners. Also learn how to work through conflicts instead of dropping partners due to an "ick"
That's my biggest gripe, Mr/ Ms. Perfect don't exist you are looking for people not robots.
The robots are coming
If you don't like someone who clearly likes you (and I mean it's VERY noticeable), you don't need to be an ass about it and treat them harshly, picking on them, bullying them, etc., just for liking you. Just telling them "I don't like you back", "I don't feel the same way" and such works way better and saves us both lots of trouble.
And yeah, this is based on personal experience as the rejected party. And I'm a woman. I'd rather have a 100th explicit "no" and get over them quitely than an implicit no and a painful heartbreak with life-long trauma. Like, we're adults, we can clearly communicate!
I never bullied anyone for this, but I regret how I acted with some women who were into me. I was pretty immature.
It’s so much easier dating in college than it is post-college. I married my college crush after dating a bunch of subpar guys…it’s tough. I think sometimes in the digital age, dating doesn’t feel nearly as genuine as it used to be.
User deleted comment
13d
You're not doomed - it's just harder imo. In college you at least have a pool of people to "figure" out. Once you're out of college it feels a lot more rushed (especially if you're a female who wants kids) just because you have less time to get to know someone, to then date & your time is much more valuable (at least for me) than it was in college.
In college it was so easy to just go on dates to get chipotle or some fast food, go to a movie, study together, etc. whereas after college my time was so much more valuable outside of work and my own personal routine. Going on dates was a bit more of a chore/time dedication than I felt it was in college. It also didn't make it any easier that people were still trying to play dumb mind games or be little bitch boys about their feelings - I'd figured that got left in college/hs lol but apparently not. In short - I def wasted some time before I got with my husband...and I don't even really count that because we were friends/knew each other in college. Just happened to reconnect afterwards.
22 and never even been on a date. i know a large part of it is me not putting in the effort to put myself out there + freaking out whenever someone does actually show interest and ghosting them or turning them down but i think it’s a defense mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt before anything even happens. i do want to be in a relationship (more than anything in the world atp) but idk if ill ever be able to
It’s expensive to date in this world now
I have literally no idea how to even meet people nowadays.
dating is so damn hard when your country has shit public transport
Focus on yourself and the right one will come. Don’t chase
I don’t care if you’re bisexual. A lot of bi women I’ve dated apparently found it super nerve-racking to tell me they were bi. To be honest, I don’t really care. And I think a lot of other guys feel the same. You’re also into women? Alright, cool. I’m just glad you’re also into me.
I'm soo low maintenance that you forget your dating me. I've had my only ex say that.
Also I think I'm getting too comfortable staying single. But I always thought that staying single and waiting for the right person is far better than jumping from relationship to relationship.
This isn't at all exclusive to dating, but platitudes like "love yourself before you find love" and "be happy alone before being happy with others" are seldom helpful, and are often extremely harmful. IMO these platitudes heavily feed into a just-world fallacy that implies that people who suffer from loneliness and social anxiety are to some extent, inherently flawed as people.
Fuck hookup culture
all these dating rules are bull. "guys have to do this and girls have to do that"
I have no experience with dating in my adult life. I've approached men and given opportunities to be approached. Dating apps are trash for me. I'm the only single person I know and it's really shitty to deal with when 100% of the conversations I hear are other people's successful relationships.
Being below average height is one of the most negative traits a man can have in dating. Im fit, have clear skin, and have hobbies. Ive been rejected for my height before and was told by girls that I was 2 to 3 inches taller than that we are the same height
https://www.reddit.com/r/science/s/wYkEKlGngn
People judge you off of it by default yet everyone loves to deny its impact for some weird reason. Its not impossible its just way harder
I have never dated anyone. I don't even know how to start, do I even have the capacity to get that close to another person?
I’m just so scared to love again
Dating for me has honestly been fun and easy. You meet different people and see whether a connection is there or not, and could leave with a good friend at the end.
I do not want to sound like I’m discounting anyone else’s horrible experiences, but I think once you find confidence in yourself it’s easy to just let things go if things turn out bad. I don’t think this applies to cheating, obviously, but being ghosted really doesn’t bother me. If someone does that, that shows more about them than you! I guess I’m not in such a huge rush since I’m young, but I just have optimism love will come to you :)
(Also, I’m gay so I don’t have to worry about the “social norms” of ALWAYS paying for dates or crazy jealousy. Straight men really have it the hardest imo)
I'm bi and I second that dating has been a breeze. Not having to deal with all the social norm bullshit makes everything so much less complicated.
Time to go gay for a while...
I'm upset that I've never been able to find a girlfriend.
I don't really like using the apps when it comes to dating. I find apart from playful flirting and the occasional banter, 95% of connections I make on there are superficial and don't really go anywhere. And of course whenever I do have that rare spark with someone they're only visiting for a couple of days lol
I might just be old fashioned but I do prefer to explore connections in person, sure it limits your dating pool and you have to make more of an effort to put yourself out there but it's easier to gauge the vibe in ways you can't digitally, and I'm a vibes kind of person
People who have never been in a relationship before need to think very hard about whether they want to be in a relationship, or whether they just like the idea of a relationship and not the practical aspect. Luckily I realised that at about 13, but other people go into dating in their 20s whilst only wanting to experience what being in a relationship is like
I feel lucky, honestly. Didn't enter my first serious (or general) relationship until I was 23 (still going strong) and, by that point, I was genuinely content with the reality that I may be romantically or physically alone for the rest of my life. Now with experiencing what it's like, I don't think I hold the same sentiment anymore. Craziest part, I didn't need to endure the trial-and-error phase of relationships. I just maintained my patience and waited for the opportunity to present itself.
Even high functioning autism makes dating seem like the scariest thing.
The people who get married after a year and then complain that “marriage is hard” are just complaining about regular relationship cycles where the gooey honeymoon phase wears off and you start figuring out how to resolve conflict as a couple. It’s not necessarily MARRIAGE that causes this, it’s just time. Those issues still will come up even if you date a few years and then get married.
In my experience dating when your mentally unwell works out poorly, im not saying you need completely healed from your mental health like you are the most mentally well person on earth but if your not doing well mentally/ur mental health is extremely poor a relationship will never help, I used to think if I found someone they would “heal” me, like they were the missing piece that I was seeking for, but the reality is you are. No person will save you, as cliché as it sounds you can only save yourself, and having the expectation/intention that they will, I have found was selfish of myself, I was not in a relationship to grow & prosper, and I would attract people who were also toxic hence codependency, heal urself , save urself, focus on urself before you focus on another person so that when you do you will have the mental space and attention to care for them like they deserve. there will always be time for relationships, but prioritising you allows you to attract and seek worthwell connections with people who are alike on their own healing journey!
People don’t like it when you are forward with your intentions. I hate it so much.
Maybe I’m not a romantic person (23F) but I don’t think it’s normal to go on a vacation with a person at the beginning stage of two people trying to get to know each other. Cause what if you’re dating a secret murderer? People just don’t think deeply about the circumstances that could happen
Dating is more fucked today because of the internet, full stop. We just know too much. Our monkey brains have trouble remembering that ONE person's negative opinion about you isn't everyone's; now you have a whole feed.
It's like that episode of the show where the guy gets the ability to read people's minds. Pretty cool at first, lots of advantages, but now you know what people really think. All the time. Nonstop.
People are opting out easily because they've heard how bad it can be way too often. I think we got along better before we found out what we're really like. Now it's just a matter of how long it will take us to adapt because we're never going back.
When I forget about people I’m interested in or wanting to date someone I’m having the time of my life. And I want to know how to keep that as a constant thing in my life. it’s difficult when I’m surrounded with people that brag about their relationships or lament that they don’t have one.
I wish people asked out strangers like they used to; I understand why it’s died down, but so many people didn’t get the memo that it’s not a common practice anymore and think it’s their fault.
You’ll never find the perfect person, stop searching for perfection it’s unrealistic. You may get close of course but keep balanced standards. There might be a few traits or qualities that you will have to deal with but that is okay, lower your standards or you may never find anyone.
How the fuck am I supposed to meet women? I’m an introvert so I don’t just talk to random girls, online dating is incredibly superficial. I don’t look like shit, but I’m also not a bodybuilder. Hard to get matches. I’m just lonely af at this point.
People screen for the wrong things so much. All this ick crap is the peak of it.
Just feels like you are a lucky bastard if you can say things like tripping over and walking barefoot repel you from people.
I hate modern dating. That said, I'm v thankful for my partner and that I'm not having to wade in the dating pool anytime soon. There's sharks in there 😭😂
I want to approach and be approached without social anxieties or false pretenses. I want people to say what they mean, and be honest about what they want. No, I am not going to date you if you are 35 years old. I want to date people my own age. I am tired of attracting men I am not attracted to. I may not be the warmest, bubbliest female in the room, but please don't be afraid of me. Please don't make assumptions about me. I will do my best to extend you the same courtesy.
i was in a long term relationship for 5 years, i got so much attention and love. now i'm dating because things between the two of us just didn't work... and it's so weird how ppl just don't do that! like ur considered weird if u want attention or want someone to give u love out loud. i hate it so much and if it wasn't for the fact that my ex and i didn't work on a fundamental level i'd get back with him and say screw the world 😭
I’m tired of not knowing what I’m doing wrong when it comes to the constant rejections
it feels pointless, a lot of people in their 20’s still don’t know what they want (myself included) and in gay and popular culture cheating has become so normalized to us (don’t even get me started on open relationships, good for you if they work for you though)
I hate them all.
Too many people date to check off a checklist instead of dating people for who they are. I just got out of a relationship with someone that I truly thought I'd marry and that's my biggest fear moving forward. I don't think I'll have a problem having options because I'm working very hard to have a 6-figure job, be more attractive, have a better diet, exercise, etc. I worry that someone will choose me because I check off their boxes and they're ready to get married, rather than choosing me because they love me the most
stop assuming everyone has a daddy kink or wants to create that dynamic in their relationship
The majority of folks my age and in my city do not want a monogamous relationship, and it absolutely sucks. I detest LDRs, and I actually want something serious, but so many people do not. It’s all about ENM and situationships now. I miss how dating used to be.
Dating apps are nearly useless and us introverts have to suck it up and go out
What is dating? Is it a new show on Netflix?
Guys are super shitty 75% of the time and it’s best to just keep trying until you find someone who actually wants to buy a nice steak dinner.
Don’t have high standards at the beginning, you can grow together
I understand a lot of things women complain about. But even from the perspective of woman, I also understand a lot of the things men complain about. Everyone has very unrealistic ideas of relationships and standards in relation to what they actually bring to the table
I don’t know how to date. I’m a 23 year old dude. Never had a girlfriend before. I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to flirt with or meet women without looking like an absolute pervert/creep. Like, I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do to make it clear I’m looking for a potentially romantic relationship without sounding like some creep. Like, even asking a girl for her number/Snapchat/whatever people my age are supposed to ask for sounds super weird, like, why the hell would you ever actually give me that? Especially when we’ve only just met?
All I want to do is live on a farm with a bunch of other "femboys". Nothing sexual just being our cute selfs and not eating processed food 24/7, almost like the Amish, except we will hang anyone who sexuality assaults someone.
sometimes I really miss being single.
Got out of a almost 4 year relationship, but man I'm not excited to be back in the dating scene. Been on a few dates but so many times getting ghosted is fun.
I'm 27 and have been single for roughly a year now after a 7 year relationship. Since my relationship started when I was 19 I missed out on a whole bunch of dating experience. I have found that people can just not hold up a conversation anymore. I'm an active texter and am very extroverted. If the person cannot add to the flow of the conversation I have zero interest.
23 here. I think its rude that people are mean about online relationships or long distance relationships so easily. I get that they don't work out every time, neither do in-person relationships. We live in the age of technology, online relationships don't just stop at texting anymore. Not to mention it can be difficult to find other queer people to date in the area you live in, a lot of queer people have a better and easier time finding partners online. I lived in a red state and being disabled meant that I couldn't really drive around. I met my partner online almost 5 years ago and now we live together, we've lived together for a year now. The distance made things difficult at times and it was often a struggle to work through, we really had to get good at communicating. I love getting to be with her physically now, but I don't love her any differently than I did when we were online. She's the love of my life
It’s only easy to maneuver when you know yourself, have good hobbies (mine are gym/cooking/rock climbing/hiking) and know your tolerances (mine is little and idc for crowds) however I have found that the illusion of options with the combination of social media ruined the art of dating.
Met my now wife at work (our jobs aligned w our personalities) and never looked back since then.
I just want not one person to take on the responsibility of taking their mental health seriously, men counseling and mental health help are not dirty words for any gender. Dealing with our shit now in 20’s can help us correct the trauma and bs from the past so we can live fulfilling futures.
like normalize doing hobbies to help your mental health, taking self care days, bitching to your other friends it’s okay, breaking down, getting meds if that’s your thing exploring different methods of therapy
This is going to be chaotic and a bit nonsensical, so I apologize in advance. 24M. I would consider myself fairly asexual but quite heteroromantic, maybe a bit of a sucker in that respect (for those that know the lore, my favorite show is something called Insomniacs After School, and parts of that series showcase sort of what I want in a relationship).
First off, some people just don't know how to respect boundaries. Someone I was friends with was into me and despite me telling her I wasn't interested (we didn't click, it happens), she insisted on trying to move to the city I was doing my graduate studies and following me around. That type of shit is exhausting, especially since I get empathetic to those I befriend. Is it too complicated to accept an honest answer and either move on with your life or mature and remain friends?
Second, I fucking wish people close to me would stop judging me for not actively getting on dating apps and putting myself out there. Is it wrong to focus on my career and studies at this stage of my life? Mom, I have 3 siblings, you'll get grandkids from one of them, don't worry about me. Let me earn enough money so I can eventually get you a house in the East Bay when you retire. If something comes up, I will try and seek happiness.
Third, and I really don't want this to stand out, but please for the love of god, stop it with this "all men are fucking awful" bullshit. I am quite left leaning and very progressive, I stand with the feminist cause...am I part of the problem? If so, tell me how so and I'll try to be a better person, but don't scream these statements. Hearing them is fucking exhausting and doesn't make me want to even bother trying, especially when I can have more fun on my own. There are bad apples everywhere from all genders and sexes.
Fourth, our generation, and all generations before have seriously fucked over bisexual people and intersex individuals, and no one talks about it. I am not a part of either of these groups, but having really good friends in both categories has shown me just how ostracized they are simply for being who they are. Say you're attracted to a person who's either and you find out a few weeks into dating that they are that way, and you immediately cut them off because of that fact? Grow the fuck up, both those groups have enough bullshit to deal in their day-to-day lives and they don't need your prejudice when they're just trying to live their lives honestly.
Finally, people just aren't honest enough with one another. It's clearly leading to a general lack of trust in relationships and it's generally not healthy. Don't feel forced to date, don't feel forced to submit to things, either be honest and work things out with your partner or move on. I'm seeing way too many toxic relationships develop.
Did you know we have a Discord server‽ You can join by clicking here!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.