Music is my go-to medicine. It drowned out the noise from abusers as a kid. I had to hide my headphones so they wouldn’t pull them out.
I know my depression is at its worst when i can’t even listen to music. Anyone else?
Trigger Warning: Verbal AbuseSame. I have to be feeling at least "normal"/euthymic to get back into my music. And on paper, music is my lifelong passion, the only thing I care about blah blah blah (all the cliche stuff music fans say lol). But my secret is that I almost never listen to it anymore. I still pretend I'm this huge music buff/nerd. Which I am, but...people would be shocked to know I only listen a few weeks a year maybe. It's been shrinking every year since high school.
Lana in your pic. I always wonder if she has complex ptsd too. Her music is v relatable.
Oh big time. Former addict and probably borderline, too...has reported chronic illness type stuff too, and weight fluctuates a ton too. I have all of the above and more, so I really notice these things in other people, even someone playing a "role" as a performer like LDR.
I also notice her becoming more mentally stable over time, which tracks, because even the worst of CPTSD/borderline type stuff really does abate over time for many. I'm way more chill at 34 than I was in my 20s despite having 238749238x more problems and 0 healthy relationships. I think the brain finds a way to chill out somewhat...or maybe I'm just TIRED. Haha.
Wildflower wildfire on repeat 🥲
yes!! that’s my fav song from her latest
I don't listen to her, but she did a song with Mac Miller once called Numbness. Beautiful song.
I’ve been listening to her a lot often, I totally agree with what you’re saying about her tracks becoming more stable as well, she’s developing differently as an artist compared to her music ten years ago
Same I feel saner when I play music all day long. At least it is an upside to being stuck at home. If I get tired of music, I might as well die.
Same
Trigger warning: suicidal ideation
I feel that hard. Before I got medicated for my ultradian (ultra-ultra rapid cycling) bipolar, I had several very intense depressive and mixed-state episodes every day. They also triggered my CPTSD symptoms, so it just fucked me up hard. Night times were the worst. Almost every night I laid in bed picturing myself dead and listening to songs about suicide for a few hours before I could fall asleep.
When it got the worst, though, I couldn't think about suicide or listen to music anymore. The logical part of my brain would shut down and I stopped thinking entirely. Just felt too much raw pain to think.
Still need to work through the CPTSD, but thank fucking god for bipolar meds.
Exactly.
I thought this was just me because all the other depressed people I’ve talked to don’t have this component. Used to be a huge music nerd. Even dj’ed my uncles wedding. Now it’s been like 10 years since I’ve listened to new music and I can never bring myself to do it anymore.
Edit: I’m not totally sure why this is though. If anyone has any theories let me know.
It’s anhedonia
For me it’s because music is emotional and I go through phases where i’m unconsciously trying to shut out my feelings. I specifically stop listening to music when i get into a relationship. I finally figured out it’s because I’m so afraid of rejection. Expressing feelings as a kid would get me rejected by my parents, so I learned to shut down and stop showing my feelings. So now it’s automatic to stop listening to music when there’s a relationship that’s really important to me, just out of fear.
Whoa, this is crazy. Sometimes I'm just unable to listen to music because it makes me feel too much. I'll also intentionally trigger myself with it too if I'm feeling particularly self destructive that day. I thought it was just me!
I’ve used it to trigger myself too. When I used to use drugs I’d listen to pretty dark music and really ruminate in the feelings. A friend of mine at the time who knew I was semi-suicidal said “geez, if I listened to this music all the time I’d feel suicidal too”. I think I really wanted to force myself to feel pain.
Not exactly depression. But when music stops working so badly that I turn it off because it just irritates me. I'm in that space now.
Happens to me as well. It's a sensory processing thing in my case, I think.
Alexa, STOP
Some days this happens and it always makes me realize how triggered I am. Ques investigation for sure.
Not usually depression for me, but more of a stress reaction. Too much noise/static in my thoughts.
Silence is powerful.
been in this space too. it's like every single song i listen to reminds me of some trauma or other, even songs i didnt listen to when the shit they remind me of happened. pisses me off because i need to drown out my thoughts and i cant.
Songs that either are instrumental, or foreign with a strong beat about 60 beats/min help me most. But not all the time.
A few songs with lyrics can reach me. Right now, Enya, "Long Long Journey" and Garnet Rogers "Underpass"
ah im in a different boat. with me pretty much everything i listen to has lyrics and i catch lyrics really fast unfortunately so i can't even escape to metal or something, it reminds me of my teen years anyway. the instrumental songs that touch me the most are associated with some hard times
but right now i've been listening to a multi-genre playlist i made exclusively with songs that trigger my grandiose + my spitefulness for my situation because doing things out of spite motivates me the most but it also forces me to confront what i want to get over and it's hard.
only time by enya is a constant in my playlists haha
Sameee
Its the same way for me too. Used music to cope and drown out hearing abuse growing up.
Now when I'm in a really depressive episode I stop listening to music. I tried changing the type of music I listen to. So when really depressed I don't listen to music with lyrics.
Instead I try listening to lo-fi or ambient music..music that doesn't make me think of music I don't equate with an emotion.
But at the worst...I don't listen to music at all. And if I try I literally feel nothing.
This comment and post are really making me feel seen, tysm 😭
You're so welcome! I'm glad my comment was validating for you.We're all experiencing something similar it seems.....it's tough 😩
Woee that’s really good advice. Thank you for that.
You're welcome! I've found it helpful! Something about lyrics and singing makes it unpleasant when in depressive episodes but music with none of that is bearable and soothing.
I always hear people say "when you're feeling bad, just do something you enjoy or listen to music or something"
But I used to sometimes get to a place where if I did what I liked, including listening to music, my bad mood would just ruin it. Not just that time, but I would create a negative association where I would actually be reminded of my bad mood or whatever I was ruminating about whenever I did that thing again or heard that music again.
Yes. When I was at my worst I couldn't listen to music, it was too stimulating and just sort of painful to listen to. Now I'm feeling better and like it again. Its such a relief to be able to do the sorts of things I used to do, it feels amazing. Which is also why the advice to do things you like is such BS when you are depressed because nothing feels good anymore.
Omg exactly. It’s such bs
yeah and the rationale is that you’re making progress getting back to health by continuing to do the things you used to like even if they don’t feel good anymore but i question if there is any connection or if you’re just passing time until you have an upswing. i guess it could be both.
it was too stimulating and just sort of painful to listen to
yes, this is what I experienced not too long ago
Didn't realize this was a common experience
Music is HUGE for me. I partially deafened myself listening to music way too loud to avoid the chaos in my home.
For me it's when I listen to my Deeply list.
I like a lot of peppy music when I'm feeling good. Lots of reggae, lots of world pop music and lots of reggaeton and Turkish. When I switch to Gremlin or my Turkish anti-love songs I know I'm heading in a bad direction.
I don't ever not listen to music.
P.S. If any of y'all dealing with depression/anxiety or even addiction check Gremlin out.
Yes. I notice that I haven't listened in a while and that's usually when I notice that things aren't going so well. I love music. I play instruments, which I suck at, and I hate myself for not being an amazing musician. It bothers me more than it should. I see all manner of people just performing and I wish I could perform. I am way too self-conscious. Then I try to make music and I hate it, it comes out so amateur and stupid. I don't like my own music and that is so so hard.
I’m the same way 😢
Yes I thought it was just me that I can't listen to music when things are at their worst :-O
Yeah, but I associate it with the PTSD stuff, it’s too much stimulation and either it’s too loud in my mind and I need quiet or I’m hypervigilant and worried I won’t be able to hear someone coming for me.
That could be a part of it for me too. Today i was leaving my house wondering if i should bring my head phones or a speaker and immediately realized I’d be terrified to be wearing headphones.
Yes!! Holy shit. I was just saying this to somebody yesterday. When I don’t even listen to music, I know that’s when I’m past the point of no return, or at least temporarily til I can manage to get my head above water again. Music is the only thing I really love or care about in this world and keeps me alive, I always have something playing, so when I don’t even turn to that and choose silence, I know it’s bad. I’m basically going through that right now.
I’m with you on that. Falling in and out of that feeling by the hour which seems like progress for me. Normally ill be under water for days and not even notice.
Same here. Music is my lifeline for difficult moments but when even that loses its appeal, I know I'm in for a straight up zombie flat on the couch depressive episode and it sucks
Exactly
This is how gauge my mental stability! When I can listen to music I know I’m doing ok ! Currently unable to and working very hard in therapy to overcome my triggers and be back to normal
yes .. i get this.
i think i fear i will feel too much but that i cant do anything with those emotions
this is a really good way of putting it
I've pretty much stopped listening to music unless I'm on transit or something. my intrusive thoughts are too loud. I'd rather put on YouTube and hear someone blabbing about something to quiet the noise in my head.
YES. I used to love music more than anything in the world and now I just don’t “feel” it anymore like I used to. It’s horrible to not have that escape anymore. I’ve tried new music, old music, etc but just…nothing. Maybe I’ll kind of enjoy a song but get sick of it after a few days. Idk I hate it and I wish I had that piece of me back.
Yes absolutely. Only when driving or relaxed (usually by taking substances), can I listen to it.
Also I find most people like to listen to sad music when feeling down but I don't. I almost exclusively listen to upbeat feel good music.
My relationship with music is strange. I never listen to anything regularly. My own music gets repetitive, predictable, boring, and what music I do listen to I tend to internalize heavily.
I go through "musical slumps" where I just don't want to look for new music or listen to new albums from artists I LOVE. I try to make myself sometimes but I'll shut it off or won't absorb any of it.
You can't because you don't want to or you can't because you don't want to or you can't because you're scared to?
It’s just doesn’t make me feel anything, maybe irritation.
Anhedonia.
Ahh that’s exactly it! Thank you.
Ha, same. But also, it helps me to deal with overstimulation, since helps me to focus in one “good” or “positive” stimuli, which is hehehe music. But yeah, if I don’t listen to music I feel empty and no motivated to do things.
💯
music has been my one coping mechanism forever, too. I think it makes total sense that when you’re doing badly that you would stop using coping mechanisms (unless they’re unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, etc).
When I am doing badly I find listening to music at best disorientating and at worst a trigger for a dissociative episode. I’ll rip my headphones out mid walk and take deep breaths to ground and orient myself again. But when I have time to enjoy it I love dancing by myself in my room
That’s actually a sign for me. If I don’t want to listen to music, I know something is off.
Yep, I literally know when my lowest points were cuz it's when the music didn't work anymore
That is me right now, cool to see how many others experience this as well
Same….
Same, I’ve since turned to using some kinda audiobook instead but that’s also starting to feel eh for me
didn't listen to any nee music for a period of about 5 years to the point beyond belief
It only bothers me when PTSD specific symptoms get worked up, and then I just don’t think to listen to it. Recently I have been in a bad spot and realized I haven’t listened to music but maybe once in a month although I always have YouTube review shows on. I tried listening and it sounded very abrasive
I get this way when I get really anxious as well
Definitely. When I get into the car and don’t put any music on. Just driving in silence because I can’t handle listening to anything. I can’t bear any more stimulation
I had no idea this was others as well. When I get ptsd triggered my sensory issues will not allow me to quiet the hyper vigilance inside. Then also at severe abuse times when I felt this inside have to sing to feel thing where I would play the music that I was feeling and belt it w full dancing and almost like it had to come out of me. Thanks for sharing experiences ✨
Yes I have this too. I can’t process external sounds or light or noises when being depressed.
Yeah. We have the radio on all day at work and I can always gauge my depression level by whether or not I want to sing along to my favorite songs.
1 miiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllliooooonnnn percent
Yeah. It's a thing for me as well. I make mixes and play with music on my turntables and when i'm stressed or down it's one of the first things that goes out the window. I think its because music can allow access to emotions and feelings and can often make me feel good i usually don't want to go there as the change of energy would be scary and or exhausting.
Yes
I almost use this as a tool to gauge my depression, by how well I enjoy or feel good listening to music I would typically enjoy. I also feel like it helps me tell how my meds are working
Same. This started when I was 8, nearly fifty years ago. I’m very prone to songs that take me back, so I have to be in the right frame of mind to listen to oldies.
When my sense of taste gets muted and I no longer have an appetite.
In a sick way, i love that feeling. But that’s another sign things are getting reaaaally bad.
Same. :/
Yep. I was shocked when I realised how long it'd been when I started again. A few years.
when i no longer enjoy music, when i don’t listen to it when driving. when i’m no longer drumming along, humming or singing daily… that’s when you know it’s really bad.
Not the case for me. I am incredibly indifferent to music. Not to say I dislike music, but I'd rather listen to most anything else or even silence sometimes.
Yes! For me changing my meds helped (me enjoy music, I’m still depressed as fuck.)
Do you mind if i ask what you take? I’ve been hesitant to get on long term meds but i know i probably should…
I'm the opposite. I know mine is bad when I go looking for music. I don't listen to music regularly, it just doesn't fit into my life, so when I find myself doing one of my normal tasks and feel the urge to put on music, I know it's because Something Is Wrong.
Me too! ❤️
Oh god. Big relate!!
Same, it’s heartbreaking, music is such a beautiful escape, and was my go to usually. I hope one day to write about this as if it were a bump in the road, I wish the same for you, whatever your outlet be.
Yes! So much yes.
I know those feels, I go through genres of music I like to listen to but then when I'm extremely low none of them work and I just give up on trying to enjoy any music, other times it can drastically increase my mood
I just got out of this, only now I can’t listen to podcasts. I guess it’s because I rediscovered my favorite MCR album.
This whole entire post and comment thread makes me feel so much less alone.
I have spent many weeks just sitting in silence before it even dawned on me that my mental health had deteriorated to the point that I cut out music and tv. Good on you for the self awareness!
yes, music was always my escape route when I was growing up and I also had to listen in secret so no one ripped them out of my ears or (even worse) criticized my music taste lol. I know it’s bad when music either elicits no emotion at all or becomes irritating/overstimulating, and I’ve been struggling with that more and more as I get older. I feel for you OP :(
I listen to music pretty much at all hours of the day. It keeps my heart beating.
I drive to and from work every day in silence the last few months. So, yes :(
Also find it especially hard to find the right music to listen to when starting again, cause music makes me feel so much if I’m fragile
Feel this. Something is really off if I don't listen to music every day. I love music, it's my go to so I feel better/different.
Thats me
I hope you get better
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2.0y
Nice I’m glad psychedelics are helping. Psychedelics caused me derealization/ depersonalization so i stay away from it now.
If someone mentions buying psychedelics from an Instagram page and shares a link, they’re spamming.
Thought so, thanks. Idk how to delete it but I’ll block them
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Music is the language of the soul (hi, trolls :) . I've always been of the opinion that everything is better with music. It can make the most mundane tasks bearable, and it definitely has an effect on the energy in the room.
When I’m being hurtful towards my partner.
マイン イス アテ イツ ヲレセテ ウイン アイ テライ ト キレ マイ セレフ。
I didn't listen to music for a good 5 years my depression was so bad.
For me, I don’t eat
I know mine is bad when I resort to heavy metal
A million times yes!
Thing is, I don't realize I haven't been listening to music right away. When I notice, it is a revelation.
Yep I am the samw
I know I'm at my worst when I have no interest in doing anything (like listening to music, watching videos, tv shows, movies or playing games).
I know mine is bad when I start reading A LOT. I’ll be up all night and just like CANT get shit done because I just want to be living in a fantasy land.
I can’t go without listening to music, I have a playlist for every single mood, even sad ones for when I’m extremely depressed. Recently, for the first time I haven’t been able to listen to anything.
Spotify wrapped will be disappointed :/
Depression so bad I can't even listen to my favourite tunes anymore the end is nigh!
I know mine is bad when I stop listening to music.