What is the worst problem cptsd has caused in your life?
Mine is work and relationships. Made a little progress in career but having strong healthy relationships either friends or partner seems literally impossible.
I also think it’s robbed me of having children. If the abuse didn’t happen I’m sure I’d be a parent right now.
I didn’t even realise I had “fear” until recently. But I think that’s what stops me making deep connections.
Same.
I completely freeze with men. (I am a cis, hetero woman.) I turn into a robot and if I can bypass that, I start "interviewing" men in a completely non-fun way. I didn't know why TF this was happening until repressed early childhood memories emerged about a year ago, at age 43. NOW I know why (fear) and what caused it (you can guess).
Can i ask if anything specific prompted you to remember some of those things? I have cptsd from childhood abuse and have always had a sneaking feeling that there's something big I can't remember. But I haven't had those memories emerge yet
Unfortunately, no. The only thing I can point to is a longstanding, trusted relationship with my T (4 years, at that point), and that, perhaps, many of my "less intense" issues had been solved during therapy.
I imagine all my traumas lining up like toy soldiers and being sorted and quelled, one by one. After many, many items had been "tucked away safely," the biggie came out.
My T and I use IFS / parts, among other modalities, so she and I had the shorthand of "'a part of me' experienced XYZ." I "saw" (had an image in my mind) of a young part of me, sitting outside the bathroom at a neighbor's house. So strange! This felt to me to be a "mashup" of feelings and visuals -- not nesc a real memory.
Allowing myself (at home, before I spoke to my T about it) to experience that mashup led me to recover 2 definitely real memories. THOSE memories were not of abuse by suggested it. (At that point, I was constantly petrified of when the truth would emerge; it was only a matter of time.)
It was a year later that the actual memories emerged *at home* after EMDR. I also took mushrooms at some point, during which I "edged" toward learning the whole scoop. My T and I talked about that experience over several sessions but it wasn't until I "gave consent" to my mind to reveal the whole story, weeks after the mushrooms, that the full picture came into view.
Hope this helps.
This is super helpful and interesting, thank you!!
I feel like I'm in a similar phase where I've addressed sooo much of my trauma and am feeling myself start to feel... safe again and like I have more mental and emotional capacity for my day to day life. It's also allowed me a more grounded place to view my abuse from, and there are certain things that I've always technically remembered, but suddenly I can see them with more clarity if that makes sense? Like I had the memories but there was just a sort of dull, numb feeling around them. Now when i think about them I think about how scary it was for me as a child, or how sad it was to be treated that way. Like i've unblocked enough that I feel the sting, in a good way.
Through some of these re-remembering thoughts, there are some that suddenly to me feel a little bit like grooming. Or just, inappropriate and off. I've also just started EMDR and although I havent had any new memories yet, I'm getting a sneaking feeling that I might have some SA locked away in my memory.
I use IFS too! Game changer
For me it was a particularly vicious triggering of an adjacent trauma that I already knew about but it just wouldn’t stop. And then over a few days, one particularly it was like I fell backwards from that trauma to the memories I had locked away.
As a sequence of events I remembered I knew a kid in my class was being abused, then remembered nobody had seen it but I knew what had happened. I couldn’t reconcile how I knew in detail what happened but also knew no one had seen it. I couldn’t remember him ever telling me and then realised I didn’t remember ever speaking to him at all. Then I realised I couldn’t really picture their face at all clearly and then realised that kid was me. The memories themselves had been shunted into this half remembered / half made up kid who’d just been there and I hadn’t seen him.
I’d also gotten sober very recently and that absolutely contributed
I had 2 experiences as an older adult that made me realize my father didn't just abuse me physically and emotionally, but also molested me. They occurred while I was working with alternative healers. I felt the same way, there was always something telling me something sexual had happened to me as a young child.
I’m so sorry 🙏🏼
Absolutely, so much fear in knowing aspects of what people can be like. Marriage? Kids? Commitments that you can't run away from because you wouldn't want to have to, what if you have to, knowing life gets tough and people change like....after a rocky childhood with unpredictable people you can't wait to get away from that's kinda like...helllll no lol. Just turned 30. Turned down two engagements in the last 10 years. Wtf, came to the realization like wtf am I even dating for if when they pop the question I'm like oh shit oh shit you wanna be like official official...till death do us part oh shit 😂 I have a dark sense of humor I'm sorry. I was with someone from 13 yrs old to 23 and when he popped the question I couldn't imagine it all of a sudden. No dad to walk me down the isle...wife's family pays for a lot traditionally right? It just became real. I want intimate relationships but it's getting harder and harder to stay through thick and thin, I don't cope well.
I feel this. <3
I love meeting people but I push them away and ghost them. I can’t be a bother (´ー｀)
This is me AF. I love meeting people but I am so afraid of seeing them again and fucking everything up
Eek -- yes -- so much this. I prefer to hide when I need things, am sick, etc. No, thank you, sir/ma'am.
Yes, isolating is my way of
No judgement, I get it
Awhh don't be a ghoster, even if they hit you up a bunch of times to connect? Just curious
Sometimes they do reach out and I think some have just turned into distant friends that we only meet up once or twice a year. Some get worried. Some think I ignored them out of spite. I even ghosted my dad for about half a year. But I kinda don’t talk to my mom anymore, unless necessary, for good reason.
Conversations are weird for me. I don't know what to say, end up hating what I say resulting in hating myself more.
Not knowing how to be a functional adult. I don’t even know where to start on getting my life together.
It's killed relationships, possibilities, and time. I have the feeling I'll be in one form of recovery or another for the rest of my life at this point. It is what it is, but I'll always wish the kid in me was allowed a goddamn childhood.
same. even if i were to be more stable, i have a feeling that it's impossible to forget the pain it caused (and most likely the pain will come back when i least expect it). i also don't want kids now.. i know I'll treat them right so i know I'll feel bitter and jealous of my own kids
I honestly thought the same thing, until I had my son. I was terrified of repeating mistakes or somehow being worse. But I grossly underestimated how intense the love for a child of your own is - and I’ve healed a lot of my own inner wounds simply by loving on and treating my son far better than I was loved or treated. I’ve never felt bitter toward him for the love he gets from me. I’ve just poured all of the love and care into him that I so desperately wanted as a child. It comes easily as a way to protect him from what I dealt and still deal with. 💜
This is so beautiful!
Thank you 💜 9/10 times when I get frustrated with him or he’s being “difficult,” I try to ask myself what I would have needed and offer it to him. I know I’m doing something right because he constantly tells me how safe and loved he feels with me, and how he knows he can trust me. I don’t think I ever felt any of those things from either of my parents growing up. I love that he can be “messy” and emotional and feel alll of his big feelings around me, and that I can offer him safety and comfort and reassurance and validation that I so desperately needed. It proves to me that I’m capable of giving those things to myself as well. I try to treat myself the way I treat my son. It’s more difficult to do that, but I’m trying. And I know that the way he treats me and loves on me is a direct reflection of how I treat him. He’s an incredible kid and I’m very lucky. 💜
im glad it worked out for you! ❤️ i feel the same way to my inner child and plushies so i figured I'll just focus on that. ive been trying to make new memories with them (and with my girlfriend). theres so many things i wanted to do as a kid and i decided to fully dedicate my life into making those things happen. and also to show lil me that good things are happening and will continue to happen. healing is a wonderful journey and im glad we're getting there
Oof -- felt that last line.
I am sure my mother is jealous of her own kids. Her dad died when she was 3. Seeing us with my father really triggers her. Good times.
It just occurred to me when reading the word ‘recovery’ in your post that CPTSD is like a chronic illness. A debilitating illness that leaves you somewhat disabled in a way. People wonder why we don’t succeed - and it’s like how do you expect someone permanently on crutches to run like an athlete.
It does leave you very disabled. I'm a psychology student atm and the biggest discovery I've had is how much abusive childhoods actually affect the brain - cptsd is literally brain damage. Going through abuse as a child messes with brain development and causes abnormal brain functions. Realistically, that kind of brain damage is extremely hard to repair because it takes literally years of specialist therapy and holistic therapeutic interventions.
That's why cptsd is a form of neurodivergence the same way autism etc. is. Cptsd brains are just way too different in the way that it works.
Yeah. I feel like I've been getting out of a massive haze lately with the combo of right thinga.
But, even now, feeling better than I have in a long time, I'm feeling the goddamn weight of being grounded hard. Stuff is in focus, and and it's scaring me more and more how much I'm just going to have to crawl through recoveries. But it's either this or die.
this
Nervous system dysregulation which has caused like 100 physical symptoms
Yeah the chronic pain is the worst part for me.
I’m in chronic discomfort. Thankfully no pain anymore but now I’m hyper vigilant and always holding uncontrollable tension somewhere (thank god not the pelvic floor anymore 🤞🤞). Along with ibs issues
This
I've lost a lot of friends due to self-isolating, missed lot of opportunities in my life, and it's also made me my own worst enemy.
I can’t trust my own perception of events. So everyone walks over me and I let them because I don’t want to be hurt.
very nicely put. i´m either way to trusting or way to distrusting. no middle ground. also my perception seems to be very off sometimes. i´ll either see abuse coming from miles away or i´ll walk straight up into a trap. it´s very weird to be so vulnerable and closed off at the same time
What a great way to put it; so vulnerable yet so closed off. I completely relate.
Same, I'm constantly questioning myself. It's been suggested to me before to look at something "objectively" but, like I don't think I even know what that is. I can rationalize events in so many ways it's not fair :/
This made me laugh. My therapist called it "putting my thoughts on trial" and I straight up told her that I could do that but my brain has a really good prosecutor 🤣
Thats brilliant and I most definitely have the most amazing prosecutor in my mind too!
Sameee. The problem is that I’m aware my cptsd makes me sensitive and sometimes I overreact. So to compensate I ignore my feelings most of the time out of fear that if I say something it will be inappropriate or wrong.
Yes, yes and then the fawning. Thinking you must have done something wrong because you cannot trust self. I can read a room like Evelyn Wood reads a book. The hypervigilence is alive and well even though I try not to feed it.
my mom did this too! makes me not trust my own memory and prone to abuse now
Same. I’ve made a lot of improvement in that area, but still have a lot of work to do. Not trusting myself enough to advocate for myself earlier led me to losing my job (toxic non-profit bs). That was definitely a wake up call, but it’s a lot easier said than done.
constant dissociation has sabotaged pretty much everything. i can hardly function and get overwhelmed easily. i used to deal with constant flashbacks and i couldn´t resist the urge to replay painful situations over and over in my head but it has stopped for some reason. the biggest problem now i that i have cut off social contact to pretty much all of my friends once again and i´m bored. i don´t see away out of this. i have come to realize that i don´t even know what´s good for me and that everything i felt was good in the past turned out to be toxic in the end. my physical health is also fucked, so my life is fucked in every possible way and it hurts
The worst is chronically not wanting to live.
I feel like I died in childhood and now I'm just a shell that's straggling along. The person within is gone.
This is the best explanation I have ever heard for the way I feel. Thank you for sharing it. I wish you healing & happiness & sense of self.
damn
Probably spending money as a way to deal with things. As well as lack of self worth and trust in others.
I had the opposite problem and didn’t spend money when I needed to becasue I didn’t think I deserved anything
For me it wasn’t that i didn’t think i deserved it but more like "whats the point anyway when the world is the way it is and i can just end it all if i ended up having issues with money or debt" so why not just spend it on things i wanted just because
I relate so much ! Like I didn't want to spend money to take care of one of my teeth who was hurting sometimes for a few months. I thought that I was weak and that I didn't really need to go to the dentist. Well I ended up having a huge infection last weekend. I have gone to a doctor and I'm on medication right now, but I should have gone much sooner and I would have avoided the escalation.
Yes I went without things I really needed and I ended up going psychotic from stress
Probably spending money as a way to deal with things.
I'm feeling this extra hard lately.
Jobs and ambition. I cannot keep a job for the life of me.
However I DO have a lot of skills and talent that I could make a living off of no problem. Like singing, singing opera, drawing, painting, repurposing furniture, modeling, marketing, photography etc etc.but just have absolutely no drive to do it. Or wherrr to start etc etc. also having to please people to get where you want. Ugh it’s just a constant spiral.
Let’s just say it’s ruined my whole life. I’m literally paralyzed mentally from doing anything or becoming anyone. I have so much skill and talent but no confidence or I feel embarrassed like I dunno. I feel ashamed of my talents as I got bullied for them growing up by my siblings. Grgegrrr I hate it so much.
This is exactly me, right down to being bullied and singing.
as an artist i relate to this so much. i am skilled and so incredibly passionate about art but was mocked for it so often from peers + society that i am only just beginning to try to stop feeling shame over it. passion for something is beautiful and precious, its already admirable and worth giving yourself a pat on the back for being capable of such a lovely thing
I feel this so much, especially on the drive piece. I just am incapable of working towards the future because of my confidence and inability to be disciplined. Love to you.
Omg this is exactly me…. How do we fix this 😭
I don’t do people. My closest friend (and ex fiancée) also has CPTSD and has gone silent for over a month now after. We had a talk via text where he told me that if he ever came back to live with me he couldn’t just be friends even though I’m offering him a place because he very well may be homeless soon. He claims he still wants to be with me but when asked what the issue of being with me still is, he went silent.
I don’t know if he’s dead or alive and it’s awful. We’ve been close friends for almost 10 years now and had been there for each other through thick and thin but now he has chosen to pull completely away.
I don’t get close to people and he was one of my closest friends ever and it sucks. It sucks so much so that I don’t want to get close to anyone ever again.
Thanks mom and dad and all the bullies I had growing up, it really fucked me up.
that really really really sucks, im so sorry :( i know what that feels like and its such a devastating feeling. i know random words of comfort from a stranger can never replace such a close friend, but know youre not alone. sending love
It’s appreciated. I’m going to try to reach out again just to ask him to let me know he’s ok but I have a feeling I’ve been blocked as he didn’t respond to any message I sent him over the weekend, a month after our previous exchange.
I wish there was an irl support group for us all to meet.
We all have the same thoughts, feelings, issues. It’d be so healing to connect. But at least we have this sub.
I keep thinking this…I’d even try an online one…
Same. I wish I just had some people to talk to about it. Where I am there are just ones for regular trauma and they seem to focus on that. Didn’t sound helpful for me.
I used to be in some adhd discord servers back when I got the diagnosis which was pretty nice to understand it and talk to others about the experiences. Something like that would be really cool
My repulsion to intimacy is so severe that it has even caused me to be disgusted by my own anatomy and even the mention of anything remotely about intimacy or anatomy of the sorts sends me into a breakdown so bad that I’m hyperventilating for hours and practically comatose for days due to shutting down
Same here and it’s wild because there was a version of me that was deep in the kink scene, frequently naked in public, very loose even and now I can’t even THINK of OTHER people even TOUCHING without feeling nauseous
I’m so sorry that sucks. Somewhat related: I can’t be naked in front of anyone, not even my husband. It’s sad but I can’t shake it. My dad used to watch me secretly when I was naked 😞
The constant dissociated state and general numbness. It's helpful when stress happens because after the initial trigger I have no emotional reaction and get right to problem solving on it... But that also applies to any good event in my life where I'm left Wondering how I'm supposed to react to good news and largely fake it to not look strange. Ahedonia is a bitch to deal with
I'm often going through motions and taking safe routes to not trigger myself. I stagnate often and lose time without realizing it
I just posted about perpetual procrastination and what you have just said resonates a lot with me. Feeling numb to a lot of things good and bad. As you say when something bad happens I don’t react but also don’t deal with it in time.
Alienation. Either by choice or because i find it difficult to articulate my experience so friends/family understand. I never feel like i belong either way. I dont want to change to fit in or to put on a mask to pretend things are okay. But i dont trust anyone to let them know me or help me. Ive been traumatised by caregivers, therapists and doctors. If this hadnt happened, i feel like i could have stronger relationships with people and not be so alone. My family would love me. I could have a happy life
Feeling like I’ve made everything up and that I’m a terrible person who has allowed bad things to happen to me because I have a core belief that I am bad
Yep those core beliefs sure do drag us down :(
I cannot get over wanting to die. I have no hope for my future. I can't plan for a future that I fundamentally don't want to be alive for.
I have a partner that adores me, a young son that loves me and feels safe with me, and more friends than I ever would have hoped, all over the country. I've been in therapy for years. I finally accept that I am loved, and I feel safe. And yet, I cannot shake the knowledge that it's all tenuous, tissue-thin. Knowing that I have survived and overcome so much pain doesn't give me comfort or strength, because I know in a deep, elemental, and horrible way, that the hurt will always be there in my memory, poisoning every moment of joy that I have, and reminding me of how fragile and temporary happiness is.
I could have written this hug
Romantic connections. I get emotional flashbacks so easily when it comes to a guy I like. It’s so hard to stay regulated. Every other sector of my life I have learned to be functional in, this one feels like my kryptonite.
Same. High-functioning in every other aspect. In fairness, the damage was most extensive in this realm.
Yes, me too. :(
Exactly the same as you. I had many short term relationships and ons, never anything meaningful. I'm childless too. Had some great success professionally, now back to poverty. Most painful for me is the feeling of being extremely different from all people, life having no meaning, not knowing what my true values, goals and similar are, constant s...al ideation, lack of motivation and agency. There is however something, I don't know what, that keeps me alive and moving forward, probably the knowledge that it's not my fault, my brain plays tricks on me, it's all idiosyncratic for cptsd.
I’m glad we can all connect in some way here. It helps to know I’m not alone and we all face similar struggles. This horrible disease makes you feel like you’re the only one in the world who feels like this. Who is defective. It all feels so personal including the abuse which caused cptsd.
But after reading so much on this topic we are all normal and good and worthy and healing is possible :)
Could have written this. Hugs.
Wish you healing...
For me it's probably job and relationships too. Constant anxiety, being disconnected from myself and from others, lack of concentration and short attention span... Stress tolerance is 0%, and I guess I won't have a family (unless the family is my cat) because of everything.
Thank you, you too.
Sometimes I think I’ve made good progress in healing not other times I get so hopeless and helpless like I can’t even imagine feeling “normal”.
The whole feeling like a prisoner of war trying to integrate back into civilian life.
You're ill equipped, and you have nothing after your pyrrhic victory to keep the train running so you break tf down after a while. I was lucky so someone helped get me going again, but a lot of us don't last. We can't make it "on the outside", usually.
I can handle when I'm being napalmed half to death and I can deal with landmines (AKA, being physically abused for 13 years by my dad). Bring in the fucking air strikes and I'll last through every single one, and cuss at them as they're going to reload for the next one.
Can I keep a job and handle adult life? No way. Best I can hope for is the tasty annuity of his, but who knows if I'll make it that long.
Same here job and relationships, never really worked out well , too avoidant and in a strange way people pleaser. Nervous system too active get exhausted quite quickly. Very difficult
Yes to the exhaustion. Covid became Long-Covid due to nervous-system annihilation. Like, whoa. 18 months later, I'm ALMOST better.
I can't have loving relationships with men, because everytime they end, I have a massive breakdown (including wanting to unalive myself) due to my fucking abandonment issues. It feels like the world is ending. It's horrible.
And trauma affects my brain/memory. Can't remember half of my life and I forget a lot + can't concentrate. Regarding certain things like e.g geometry, math in general, physics, chemistry my brain instantly nearly stops functioning and I'm zoning out.
😑
Oh god the damn abandonment wounds. It literally feels like death. Like you cannot survive without that person. The panic. The fear. The desperation to get them back/stop this feeling. I guess it’s from childhood abandonment.
I’m scared to get in another relationship because of this.
Daily regulation for sure. Everyday I just feel like I’m spinning around, desperate to be home so I can dissociate into something. It’s very weird because I know in my community I’m well loved. I’m super empathetic and have developed a style of communication I’m really proud of because I come from a toxic family that could not communicate AT ALL. I know people care for me and want me in the room …but I can’t feel it though. I never trust it’s more than surface level, even though with a lot of people I’m aware that it is. I’m too busy spinning in and out of flashbacks, future worries, fatigue, and the awful sensation of existing in my body. I’m reaching for whatever works in the moment just to get through and get to my next sense of safety.
It’s really awful right now because I just lost my dog who was my protector and my entire sense of safety. I don’t know where/what to latch onto
:( I hear you :( so sorry about your dog. They are the best at protecting us and loyal, loving, dependable companions. I do believe it is honorable to adopt another pet, when the time is right and the process of finding the right fit can be so special. Animals are so healing. In my case, I rescued a dog who had been abused and we have both been “rescued.”
ive felt like i live behind a thick glass wall my entire life. i cant seem to understand people, and be it through my own isolation habits or my kind of abnormal personality, i have been set apart from the rest of the world. i feel like no matter how hard i try, i can never be fully understood, and ill never fully understand anyone else. its very lonely. i want so badly to understand and connect, but i feel like ive missed out on learning some kind of unspoken language. even though i know these beliefs i hold arent true, they feel undeniable. i still dont really understand what about my trauma has led to this, even though i self analyze all the time to an exhausting degree... so i think its probably mostly a product of my self isolation
also i constantly think everyone is mad at me or testing me. like in my head the world is a machiavellian game of thrones type of dynamic, even though logically i know most of the time its just random normal people being themselves and theres no way theyre upset or mad or annoyed at me, its like i can physically sense their anger beyond a shadow of a doubt, even though its not there. this aspect of myself has made it tough on my boyfriend, having to constantly assure me he isnt angry at me because he said something with a slightly different tone than i expected. i feel really bad for him :( but im getting better at this
also, being stressed all the time and unable to relax no matter how hard i try gives me migraines and makes me super tired all the time. i cant live fully
This is so relatable, I am sorry. Shout out to patient and understanding boyfriends though 😅❤️🩹
Loss of independence. My mind is constantly flooded with fear . I hardly leave the house and isolate instead . I no longer have a life .
Man fuck those people
I think the biggest thing for me is the general lack of life skills.
I don't even mean like not having a good grip on my finances, not knowing how to bake an apple pie. I mean it more like like, what the fuck even are chores? How do people clean their house on a schedule every week? How much is the right amount? What do you do every day vs. week vs. month? Or like on the emotional side: knowing how to get yourself through things you don't want to do, how to connect with other people, social etiquette - I'm totally in the dark.
There's so much that I just was never taught to do. I've got through life mainly by bruteforcing my way through things and fumbling around, but I really have no clue what a normal human home / work life is supposed to look like. More importantly, now that I can see that I was just fumbling through life, I don't want to live like that anymore, but I also have no idea how to approach life "normally", so I'm just left in limbo between.
I isolate and don’t connect with anyone on a genuine level, aside from my husband. I don’t trust anyone at all whatsoever, not fully. Probably not even him, if I’m being honest. I’ve been hurt so much that I automatically mask daily. I’m an entertainer, so I put on a performance when I’m around others. I spend all day being everyone’s mirror (essentially “being nothing” for the sake of “being something”), then sit in solitude at home and decompress. It’s exhausting. I want to stop. But every time I do, I’m hurt. I feel like I don’t even know who I truly am, because I’ve spent the majority of my life (30+ years) being what my narcissistic mother wanted me to be while enmeshed to her. I’m hoping now that I’m turning 40 this year, I’ll be brave enough to find out who that actually is.
Trust, being able to connect with other humans. I have basically zero trust in anyone anymore. I'm hyper independent as much as I can be.
What problems hasn't it caused😭😭
Self esteem issues for sure though. Not feeling good enough unless I'm validated by older men.
It makes me so mad because of a shitty person (parents in most cases) we have to suffer and do ongoing traumatic and difficult healing work to recover in any way.
It’s not our fault! Someone else fucked up so badly and we’re suffering the consequences.
Work. I cant. The idea of starting the process of having a career is daunting and terrifying when I think about all my fears and anxieties I would have to face just to get through the first part, like an interview. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life and I am scared I will never know but I don’t think I have the capability to figure it out. And relationships too. I am comfortable with being isolated and rarely get lonely but I do see other people my age with normal social lives on social media and it does hurt a lot but I am too scared to even start. I feel exhausted all the time as well.
It’s caused issues in almost every area of my life, but I’ve noticed recently that it affects just day-to-day stuff. I am constantly afraid that someone will hurt or torture me, even just strangers on the street. Also, the hyper-vigilance and insomnia is another biggie. I wish all of us lots of healing :)
I am also hyper vigilant. I didn’t even notice but I also think I’m going to be murdered/raped a lot of the time. Another thing to add to the trauma issue.
Yes I have hope we will all heal especially with support from each other :)
Career for sure (or the lack of one). And I think I also would have kids, but Idk.
It has driven me into poverty at an age, recovery will be nearly impossible.
I always dream of being able to have a modest income with enough money for therapy/healing without working (which is triggering). But then I think that would lead me to further self isolate and not “confront my triggers”.
Idk but I feel you. Poverty is a reoccurring theme in my life due to constantly changing jobs.
sounds lame but driving, as well as maintaining a job. i am intelligent and hardworking but i just get paralyzed into this state of feeling life-threateningly incompetent
I'm the same re driving so it's not lame.... For whatever reason, I just can't do it. Maybe lack of self trust or trust in others.
You feel like everything, just plain life, is triggering. I also mistrust people off-rip now. It makes it impossible to hold a job, much less build a career if you get dysregulated over the casual cruelty that everyday humans regularly and frequently dish out.
Big sex related TW but sex and connecting with others intimately.
Purity culture, enmeshed (arguably incestuous) abusive mother, and long csa from a peer that could have and should have easily been stopped caused this. On the one hand I was way more experienced than anyone (at least in same sex experiences) at a ridiculously early age because of abuse, and on the other hand I have barely been able to talk to women and look them in they eye.
I had consensual sex for the first time at 24 with another guy and I find that shameful that it happened this late. I was essentially raised by hypocritical born again puritans who said the only sex I could have was nonconsensual (even though their sexual development was normal I wasn't allowed to make choices). I am 25 and have a very aged look and started losing hair etc a long time ago. I'll never know what safe intimacy in a youthful body feels like and that kills me on the inside. I went no contact with the people that raised me because they are evil and I struggle to connect because of it. I'm trying to talk to girls. I spend time on bumble. My friends say I'm a catch but I think they just try to build me up. I don't victimize myself, I just look old on my face even if i do skincare and workout etc. I'd just like to kiss a girl one day.
When I’m not constantly doing something, I get extremely anxious and depressed. It almost feels like I have always had to distract constantly from life, for seemingly no reason. Sitting still in the quiet with nothing to do has always triggered me horrifically. And I think it’s because my CNS is so stuck in fight or flight that it’s convinced that staying still for any period of time with be the death of me. I used to drink or take meds or somehow force sleep whenever I didn’t have plans. It was compulsive, I couldn’t not indulge in something to essentially make me dissociate because I was so uncomfortable.
I just can't trust people
I just generally assume every human on the planet either hates me or thinks I’m annoying.
Sometimes I doubt I have c-ptsd and just think maybe I can snap out of it but reading these comments… I feel like Ive written them myself.
I didn't used to struggle at work with bringing things up or reviews or anything but ever since I began remembering my trauma, and subsequently went to therapy for two years, I still struggle and avoid things..which I know is self sabotage.
I tend to hide things, like what can be my true thoughts, or my relationships
Because what others don't know they can't berate me about, and it's another less reason to be angry at me and hurt me
Of course I'm working on it and try to be honest, but being transparent can be hard, feels like I'm vulnerable
Yes! I got punished for being honest and having feelings. So let's just hide that stuff away as an adult.
I would say severe exhaustion, dissociation and extreme alert and hypervigilence. I ruin the good out of the normal
Disorganized attachment. Having healthy relationships with friends but going absolutely crazy in romantic relationships
Social life has suffered greatly. I see through their masks and I can't help but call them out. Socially awkward after 10 years of Clonazepam and 8 months weeening myself off I have to relearn social norms from so much self isolation. I have lost jobs due to it as well.
I'm somehow married. My marriage is very important to me and I do put a lot of effort into maintaining my end of it, but I can't help but feel like there will always be a distance between myself and my spouse. He deserves better. I feel really guilty about it but I'm terrified to strengthen the connection. I consider this my biggest issue because I should learn to lean on him more or be more aware of the help he provides when I'm being less than a functioning adult.
Somehow married here too (together 18 years). I always worry my need for reassurance that I’m worth something will eventually drive him away. Statistically, it’s not a viable possibility given our relationship length, but it’s always in my head, haunting me. I want to believe him, but I don’t.
I feel similarly to what you said at the end there. I believe him when he says he loves me but there's always that voice in the back of my head that says "naw, he doesn't."
I recently got married in a fit of optimism that I had gotten better and I could be the partner I want to be. I tried to leave him once already during a meltdown and it has not been 6 months…. I try so hard but something will happen to stress me out and then my threshold drops to the point that one off hand remark will completely shut me down. And the knowledge he loves me gets thrown out the window. When the fear overtakes me, there’s just no way out.
I feel so ashamed of how I am which makes me want to isolate which makes him feel alone which then makes me feel even ashamed. I was so intent on using this lucky draw as an opportunity to rewrite the past. A year into meeting him I knew I wanted to do everything Ive got to make it work. I was seeing three therapists at one point. Now it’s like a joke to me how much work I can put into it yet it’s so quick how the trauma vortex sucks me in.
I’m all kinds of crazy, so it’s difficult to adequately separate one mental health issue from another well enough to attribute symptoms to CPTSD. I’m just not well.lol I don’t function as is expected of me, and I struggle to even pretend at this point. I still try to practice gratitude and find contentment in the life I live though.
Always "hiding" that you have CPTSD in the first place.
I'm not even kidding: Lots of people "accept" shit like Depression, but in their eyes, my CPTSD still counts as "clinically insane". So every day, I feel like I have to "split" myself into 2 diff. beings. Always "filtering" and "softening" the true feelings I might have about a situation.
Due to this, I can never truly connect with people. Simply cause I never truly say/act how I'd want to act. I feel like I have half a mind: People only seeing a "version" of me. I always feel so alone, even in a friend group. But if people knew "me" as a whole -incl. all the destruction that comes with it - then I'd be completely alone. And in a world like this, you need a safety net
It's hard to be close to people when I am triggered, and even if I am not, I tend to have an underlying mistrust for people's motives towards me.
It's very difficult for me to accept that people might just be being kind to me because they appreciate me in a healthy way, and not that they are about to pull the rug out from under me after going something nice and start berating me or manipulating me.
Also my body is really fucked up. I have awful gut issues, chronic pain, and I can't sleep very well.
But I heard someone say the other day that they try to transmute the toxic lead of child abuse into precious gold these days. I try this too, I do this through my art and through the healthy connections I have managed to build with friends and community.
Woof, this. I feel you.
"It's very difficult for me to accept that people might just be being kind to me because they appreciate me in a healthy way, and not that they are about to pull the rug out from under me after going something nice and start berating me or manipulating me."
Self abandonment. It’s almost like I didn’t even have a self.
I struggle to ask for help in any way shape or form.
Normal people think the worst that can happen when you ask for help is getting told "no."
My experiences taught me that you are likely to be publicly humiliated, have your task made harder, and be told "no." Or, instead of helping, the person will boss you around and criticize your entire approach (see also: humiliation).
No one is meant to be entirely self-reliant.
I have this stupid-ass injury I got from DV and it’s been almost a year and not only has it not healed but it actively starts hurting every time I think about it or have a stressful conversation (which unfortunately happens a lot due to my major being psychology related).
The lack of a safe childhood and nurturing adults, I think. That in turn has caused a whole slew of problems and I've been trying to grieve them.
I went to college right away at 18 and was in no way ready. This was the first time I was out of an abusive home but I was terrified of everything and in a deep depression. Never got the "college experience" and I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
I learned how to survive, work, function and live independently by cutting out huge chunks of my brain. I didn't realize that starting therapy and reintroducing diseased chunks of my brain would make it so much harder to do the everyday shit required for survival. I also didn't realize how much of my self-worth is based on that independent high functioning.
now I understand a lot more, and I can feel some of those old things improving in the moldy cheese chunks of my brain, but I judge myself on my old standards of survival - why are you struggling? why is this hard for you? you know how to do this shit. get off your ass, take care of business! but I cannot live like I used to with all these thoughts and memories and awarenesses.
Probably making it easy for me to fall into severe clinical depression because of how much I’ve been isolated growing up. Or hyper vigilance.
Addicted to my phone and socially anxious.
I have two, but they go hand in hand.
First is the crippling anxiety I have, and how it makes it feel so impossible to leave the house a lot of days. Sometimes I'm so anxious i have to push myself to let out the dog because I don't want to interact with anyone, especially not the neighbor next to me because we once got in a disagreement and she just tore apart my character the first chance she got. Driving some days sends me into a frenzy, close to a panic attack. I didn't leave my house for months when I first started my healing journey, everything was so scary and anxiety inducing. And the anxiety causes me to get so deep inside of my head, I make up so many things that aren't true. And then I carry them around with me, convinced this person hates me or I did something wrong to this person when that's just not true..
Second is not being able to stand up for myself or speak up without a panic attack, and usually I get this anxiety pit in my stomach that lasts for days. When the disagreement with my neighbor happened, I was sick and anxious over it for 2 whole months. I could barely eat. If someone does something that's hurtful to me or that I don't agree with, I just stop talking to them because I'm a coward and have such a hard time just telling them the truth. I get so terrified of their reactions. Growing up, having a differing opinion or speaking up for myself meant instant ridicule and punishments. Now I am so terrified as an adult, I feel everyone will react that way. And it doesn't help because I tend to befriend the wrong people, people who just want to take advantage of me. So the response is usually what I'm terrified of happening.
Existing is hard, and fuck the people who made it so much harder for us.
Memory loss and concentration.
Living in a state of constant fear
No confidence. No communication skills. No fight in me whatsoever. It’s like I walk around with “ABUSE ME” tattooed across my fucking forehead.
Inability to sleep properly. My immune system is completely shot, I can't focus during the day, my eyes hurt, and occasionally I chip my teeth from how hard I clench them during my nightmares.
I wasn't safe while sleeping as a kid and now I'm paying for that with every aspect of my health.
I'm always the distant one in the relationship (avoidant attachment style). Starts off good, then I get overwhelmed by the requirement to be consistently open and vulnerable. I shut down, they pursue me and get upset. I get more distant because I feel threatened. Rinse and repeat. I have a very patient partner right now, and we've worked through some of this and I've been able to be more vulnerable with her than anyone else. But I'm nearly 50 and this is still a real struggle.
Work and relationships and self confidence.
100% relationships i.e. work, personal etc
For me, taking chances at connecting with new people through social events. I hate how much I overthink about everything.
It made me a hermit. I still have a bunch of activities under my belt, I took improv and dance classes and martial arts - but I really don't care for riding horses or flying to faraway exotic places.
I just want to build fictional/virtual worlds, walk in a park, pet cats, that sort of thing.
people pleasing, perfectionism, phobias. triad of P’s lol
It just made me too different. I dunno, I suspect it may also be autism but my therapist insists I never learned to socialize or be a person right so now I'm just incredibly awkward, nervous, and uncertain at all times. I ask a million questions before I even start a new task, terrified of getting anything wrong, immediately spiral if I do, and will do as much as I can but also have a threshold of dear God I'm gonna die if I keep going. I feel like everyone has a better understanding of what's going on than I do.
Honestly the worst part is the memory loss. Even when I don’t want it. I lose so many parts of my life because my brain still thinks it’s protecting me.
Hyper vigilance. It's like at the root of a lot of problem areas. Because of course my husband is going to get mad when i overanalyze every little facial twitch or minute tone shift. It's exhausting and makes me more prone to an emotional flashback and makes me people please because I feel anger radiating off them. And while I've gotten better about "tuning it out" I can't seem to actually turn it off. It's like anti virus software on the comp -always scanning for threats.
Hyper independence, never wanting children and isolationism.
age regression. I think there’s been a lot of negative connotation with it. If I feel like i’m “in trouble” or “did something bad” idk how to explain it but i feel the same way i did as a kid whenever i was in trouble, fear, rocking myself. If i feel safe around people I also find myself regressing and acting younger, (higher pitched voice, changing my speech pattern, child-like mannerisms). And it’s not on purpose and i feel ashamed for it, but i can’t control it. it also feels hard to admit or talk about because i don’t wanna be seen as weird or something.
Inability to withstand persistent stress from life. My window of tolerance is blown out from the simplest amount of pressure.
My untreated CPTSD devolved into severe chronic pain, fatigue, GI issues, and many other Psychophysiologic problems.
Thankfully, I’m learning, with trauma therapy and many books, podcasts, research studies, a wiki, documentaries, massage therapy, physiotherapy, and 2 apps that I can get better.
I can't connect with people now I'm in my 30s. I have a partner and a best friend I've had since school but that's it really. I've tried making new friends as an adult but I can't get past small talk really
Relationships - I feel like none of my friends understand me, when I told them how I felt they would give me advice to try to fix me. So I friends started being more surface level and then I realised how selfish they were they wouldn’t want to hear about my life (fairs) but I had to hear about how great their life was going. I want a romantic relationship but I can’t imagine anyone ever understanding or validating my feelings enough to want to be around them. Most days I spend by myself which is not bad I enjoy my own company and it’s when I felt at my best but it has ruined my relationships.
Its so hard for me to work a 8-5. I can work a field day for 10 hours easy but if I have to be at my computer and do office work, my head just replays my stuff over and over. I can’t focus. I don’t have enough energy to take care of myself
Romantic relationship. I can be in a long term commited relationship with gf/bf labels but Im traumatize about marriage and children. Toxic scenarios from my mother about my dad and what marriage is suppose to be. The responsbility of taking care of a child if my partner/spouse was to leave.
Right on brand with being an over achiever, I have accumulated roughly 5 separate CPTSD revenue streams that are in various stages of healing.
The biggest issue currently is me trying to find and reestablish an identity 17 months having an episode of spiritual psychosis & enduring a forced chemical lobotomy.
Shit took me to the pits of hell. Now that I’m finally getting my feet back under me I’m speaking out about how fucked up, abusive, & traumatic the US mental health system is. It’s hidden. Nobody knows how fucked up it is til they go thru it themselves
impossible to build connections because i never think im deserving or worthy of it. lying, drug abuse the works.
An inability to connect authentically with people.
MASSIVE trust issues and attachment issues. Iv had to work really hard not to put so much strain and insecurity on my relationships and foster healthy attachment styles. It’s taken a lot of work and I still have problems, I know it affected me in different ways romantically and sexually and I’m just now trying to figure that out.
I don’t trust myself, or trust others when they want to be good to me. I feel I have to be productive or useful in order to have value.
forever stuck in fight and flight mode ❤️🩹
Im fearful of living. Truly living. To put it simply..
Two things. One, my abusive relationship with my ex ruined my ability to move out of my family home. I spent all my time and my money trying to build a life for us. I got us an apartment, and I tried my hardest to make us into a little family. I spent my 20s trying to make this thing work, and I wasted the time I could have spent into training and career building so I can finally leave home on my own terms. With inflation and the cost of rent skyrocketing after the pandemic, the idea of leaving home is fantasy at this point unless I date and cohabitate again.
Which leads me to the second thing... I don't trust any men. None of them. I used to love going out to the gay clubs, flirting, having a good time. Then, the relationship happened, and the abuse I endured as well as my sacrificing everything during such a crucial developmental time in my life has rendered me unable to trust men, and my dysregulation makes me unpredictable. Even when I like a guy, I have to take baby steps, and I'm not convinced there's any guy out there that will wait around as it takes me 2.5 years to warm up enough to even entertain the idea of a long-term relationship. I'm aware that marriage (again) is out of the cards... or at the very least, it will take me dating someone for a decade or more to decide I can trust them enough to get married again.
This disease has taken everything from me. I struggle to have sex without having automatic trauma responses, no matter how horny I am. I have no clue how to interact with people normally since all I knew was dysfunction and mistreatment. I can’t work at all, and I have a very limited amount of media I can watch because I have so many seemingly innocuous triggers. I will never have a normal life all becuz my parents abused me.
Ruining my romantic relationships. All of them. I’m 48 and amidst a new breakup after 8 beautiful months.
At first I’m very attractive to my new partners. Honeymoon phase is very beautiful. I have been told I am intelligent, funny, handsome, loyal, generous, respectful and a good lover. But I always get to a point where I constantly feel fear, shame, unworthiness. I become needy. I try very hard to hide it, but in time it becomes impossible. I’m not violent in any way, I am respectful and try hard not to control. But I become anxious, unhappy, whatever I’m receiving is never enough. My partners get tired I think.
And it ends.
I have a 10 years old son. He’s the best aspect of my life. Spends 50% of the time with me. People tell me I’m a great father. Divorce is still ongoing, and it’s a mess.
I know I’m convinced that I am unworthy and that nobody can be really trusted. I feel so alone.
Definitely the way it impacted my social life and self assurance, also how it can come back out of seemingly nowhere. I was an extrovert, outspoken, social and I like to think charismatic. I had a period of time between when CPTSD really started to effect me for the first time and my most recent struggles with it where I was doing alright. Obviously it was still a problem in that time, but I went from never attending school and loosing connections with all my friends, to starting at high school, making a vast connection of friends, gaining some of my confidence back and from what I could see, I was returning to who I felt like I was before any of the trauma really set in.
Then, a seemingly “tame” event in comparison to what started everything brought back everything. I didn’t leave my house for at least two months, not even to take my dog for a walk. I never left my room unless my house was empty, I didn’t speak for so long that I still have speech issues(When I used to be the kid who never shut up) and it caused me to drop out of high school. It started 2 halloweens ago, and honestly, half of my fear is that something that’s seemingly unattached to my CPTSD will re trigger it again to this degree and I barely made it out this time.
My childhood dreams are gone, I had such high hopes for myself and now I’m barely scraping through each week. My family once again terrifies me, even though they have apologized and tried to rectify the situation 2 years ago, I can’t go to family dinners, or even leave my room when guests are over. I don’t know how I’m going to live at all frankly, and I can’t get myself to move out because I can’t keep a job, and I’m scared I’ll end up on the streets if I don’t have this roof over my head, and my family to make sure I don’t loose myself to drugs and my own insanity. Even though they’re the cause of this, it’s complicated obviously, and they’re the only people who’ve been consistent in my life.
I have a beautiful partner who is helping me get my bearings back together, thank the gods above, who’s so insanely patient and loving and understanding with me, but even then I’ve had my CPTSD get in the way of our relationship (like not communicating when I don’t want sex, for a variety of reasons, which then made it re trigger my CPTSD slightly and we had to take a break because I broke down and snapped seemingly out of nowhere, separate incident to the one I mentioned earlier) and I’ll always worry they will pick up and leave for someone with less baggage, but so far, after 3 years knowing each other, and even still dating me even after the event two years ago. They haven’t given up on me yet.
Mine is I can never be happy. I would think I would be happy that I bought a home , I got married , my weight was ok, all the clothes I have , all the tattoos I have plastered on my body (31) there’s always something there . It’s emotional turmoil. I feel guilty for even being un happy. I always think about my child hood and my abuser . Why wasn’t I enough? Instead of seeing the people in front of me at times , I just see what’s not there . It sucks … I get clarity at times . Luckily.
Being absolutely terrified of what intentions strangers may have for me.
I can have a surface level conversation with them and even party a little as long as it's not only us, but as soon as we are alone together or have to be in a private setting, freaking the fuck out.
Even just private messages make me anxious, even friends. I had someone I was very close with turn on me after a decade of trusting them absolutely. How am I going to be able to trust anyone ever again? I try to, but cptsd won't allow it.
my health. i’ve been overweight my whole life. when i get too stressed out my body swells up causing joint pain. i have a skin condition caused by the inflammation. it causes these painful blisters. i have asthma and have a hard time not holding my breath. my nervous system is so shot that some days i panic about developing dementia or early onset dementia. i get headaches and stomachaches all the time. i could really go on and it’s just sad. i’ll keep working on myself though and one day i won’t be so scared of leaving my house.
I think for me, the biggest issue is that I feel like I can't trust myself, and if I can't even trust myself I can't trust anyone else either. I think because of this, I pretty much fail at everything now. I masked heavily for many years which included heavily suppressing my feelings and a lot of traumatic memories. Therapy has helped me recognize I was doing that. So now I have professional help (therapy) that is telling me more things I was thinking that I also can't trust. I haven't found anything useful to help with this yet. Everything I find basically says "you're wrong to think that. Think this instead." I find that unironically, difficult to trust.
Choosing an emotionally unavailable partner because they were „safe„ and now being stuck there - and not being able to connect to people and now being stuck with a bunch of emotionally distant „friends“ and no idea how to meet real ones.
Not being able to pursue any career because imposter syndrome and flashback responses to criticism of any kind.
cannot decide which one is bigger
My perception of reality feels very different compared to others. It makes it difficult to navigate anything, i second guess myself on if i shut the door too loud, to if i had yelled at someone even if i was just talking and it goes much deeper than that. Possibly plays into my disassociation and all the other things CPTSD (and the whole melting pot of diagnosis') have given me lmfao
I’m perpetually procrastinating on everything in my life. People have said they have never met someone who dies it so bad.
I didn’t realise it’s a form of constant anxiety. So I’m anxious but don’t feel anxious. I’m also quite good at self isolating.
Communication. Specifically communicating my needs to literally anyone or having an argument/conflict with my partner without completely shutting down and being unable to speak.
I will never have thick skin. Any wiff of disrespect and I crumble. I always cry in any form of confrontation, regardless of if I'm right or if my reasoning is sound, it makes me look guilty, but frustrates me to no end. I can't hold down a job long-term, usually 1-3 years, but after a while "the good employees" move on to better things, and I'm left with the new hires and half-asses, and I get upset I'm being used and not acknowledged for the value I bring, and just implode.
Finding your voice is hard. Finding a tribe that harmonizes your voice is even harder....
I'm a worthless hermit, live in perpetual fear.. Stuck in long term social isolation.. No way out
It’s robbed me of feeling like I belong anywhere, constantly waiting for it to come crashing down
Lack of self worth. Using unhealthy coping mechanism to feel something like sex. Mixing up abuse and love. And with BPD on top of it, a lot of attention seeking behaviors.
Im tired, sick and in pain almost all the time. Every day is filled with anxiety.
I think I'm trash. It doesn't matter how many friends and family tell me loving things, I just can't bring myself to believe them.
Here's the kicker, I know they're not lying to me, I have a great support system, and I work hard at cultivating healthy relationships. But every time I receive a compliment, it feels like a lie. It's all I can do to just avoid yelling no and running away like a crazy person when someone has something nice to say.
I've tried to work on it in therapy, but I can't shake the habit.
Anger outbreaks in my relationship. For some reason I haven’t been able to get to, my wife’s and I’s relationship can trigger intense feelings of rage that are horrible and embarrassing. I’ve never been considered or have been so angry at someone except her. It makes me very sad.
Scared of people I don’t even know. All the time. Thinking people are talking bad about me or following me.
I'd say relationships too. It's sad.
Same. Work a loser job and no relationships with anyone. Do have a wonderful child but that was the most abusive relationship and he is still abusing me daily utilizing the kids even tho we are divorced
My inability to regulate adrenaline correctly.
My CPTSD mixed with Schizoaffective B2 gives me a lot of issues as it, the inability to connect to people, lacking normal emotions, troubles regulating those emotions and percussion delusions based on past trauma. My anger surrounding trauma triggering psychosis.
Yet, the biggest is the adrenaline.
With my Schizoaffective B2, I have Catatonia which is directly triggered by stress and adrenaline. My CPTSD allows for my adrenaline to spike quickly, sometimes at random, which then triggers the Catatonia and I end up on the ground, sometimes for hours. This unfortunate combination has made me unable to function normally. I can get triggered by the smallest things and have collapsed at things as small as masking.
Woke up in jail with no memory due to a single dose of Xanex, one in yet another line of medications that spike me manic so bad I lose track of everything, and black out.
I am wired so badly, that normal medication breaks me. Nearly to death at times.
I don’t blame the PTSD, I blame the actual trauma that has caused it in the first place. I live it still, every single day of my life. I really have tried to help people understand what I’m dealing with, but that is really difficult when I don’t fully understand it myself. Over the past 14 years I truly have been living a nightmare every single second of my life, it’s not just something I’m joking about or because of the actual night terrors I’ve had over the years. I also feel like the people around me have treated me like I’m an object, lower than a dog that they’ll throw a bone to every now and again. I really wish I was kidding. It’s been like a cancer that just spreads through everything in my life from relationships, work, friendships, everything. The biggest problem I’ve had has been feeling safe and secure at all anywhere. I don’t really feel comfortable anywhere and if I ever do, it won’t be long before it’s gone. I most definitely have not been the perfect person, wife or friend in the whole world but I know I’ve not been the worst- I’ve been loyal to the point that it’s actually stupid, I will try to help anyone I care about and turn around to STILL get screwed over without even a thanks for thinking of me- I have had so many people take advantage of me now that I don’t want anything to do with anyone anymore too much. Ive been busy overlooking everyone’s flaws while they go out of their way to point mine out. It’s exhausting. I’m not made to entertain people, be fake or get a bunch of unnecessary attention. I hate it. When I’m out every day it’s like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole so to speak- saying anything online won’t help either. I’m pretty well aware of that i just always feel on defense.
Extreme fear of confrontation and an inability to speak up/stand up for myself.
I think it fundamentally altered how I perceived people which has given me a very 'not like other girls' vibe that people hate and treat me badly for. I just kinda wanna vibe over here but I feel like my existence and not being able to resonate with certain things leaves me targeted by people in my age bracket and same gender.
Same. I can't connect, too much fear.