in 2022, i was officially diagnosed with ptsd. i wasn’t sure what this meant, as i felt my childhood was pretty “normal” outside of extreme poverty; i assumed maybe the insecurity of being poor contributed to my mental health. i knew that my thought patterns weren’t typical, but i wasn’t sure exactly where my low self-worth stemmed from.

in early 2023, my diagnosis was changed to cptsd. it didn’t hit me how emotionally neglected i was as a child until much later, but ever since this moment, it has felt like things have been so much worse. i keep self-sabotaging in the most absurd ways; i refuse to let myself relax, to think clearly, to try and breathe. i can feel myself ruining my life, and it is not only hurting me but other people. i hate, hate hurting other people — i never want anyone to hate themselves the way i hate myself — but i am not sure how to stop hurting myself.

i guess this is more of a vent post than anything, but has anyone found out how to cope with these thoughts? how am i meant to stop doing this? i know it isn’t something that is going to happen overnight, but what steps can i possibly take? i really do not want to live like this.