I think this is the final no contact. The end. I had been doubting if this was the right decision. But after this text I received, I have accepted my fate. And I know I made the right decision.
M: your definition of my person? That I should realize I am a psychopath, who is unable to feel remorse on my own for all the pain I have caused on you in your 30 years or cease being a masochist who inflicts pain in you and others and potentially in your future children? Out all the hurting words you have said to me the last 15 years of your life, today’s are the most hurtful. You are sending me away, you are not forgiving anyone, and you do not have choices other than accept I am this psycho. I am in agreement with you, there is nothing left to say between us.
Me: I don’t have to set myself on fire to keep you warm. The fact that you sent this shows me you will never change.
M: And so you. Please stop lying to yourself, you are a bad daughter, who doesn’t deserve me as a mother, and you know it. All the life mistakes you made while you were in (university)- i just know of them recently- who is to blame? Your parents of course, never you, you choose to use drugs, alcohol, abandon your religion, blame God for all that went wrong in your life, and of course blame your parents. Never you. And please forget my stupid value to practice forgiveness. You practice eye for an eye and that works for you, great. And please stop believing I have approach you because I am in need of a relationship with a daughter. No. Do you dont want it. That is totally fine with me.
I’m crying because I am allowing myself to grieve for my inner child because I’ll never have the parents I know I deserved. No decent mother would ever say to their own child: you are a bad child. That is insanely messed up. And it’s ok to be sad over the things I can’t have. But I feel so hopeful and happy that I can just move forward with my partner who loves me and hopefully I can heal these scars so our future kids can get the mother they deserve.
For context: I was assaulted on public transit and reported it and pressed charges against the man. My mother has her own trauma regarding assault, which she never dealt with before having me. She got upset and shamed me for going down this route and actively discouraged me from pursuing justice. She refused to speak to me for almost 2 months and tried to apologize to me today. By saying how she misinterpreted my words and the only reason she didn’t respond to my texts (one which my therapist encouraged me to send), was because I told her I wanted space for a few months.
Except I never said that at all. And I pointed that out. And that she has done this before in other times in which I was assaulted. This was the 5th time I had been assaulted in which she literally shamed me and abandoned me when I needed support. So that was the final straw for me.