Did anyone here forgive their parents?

Not forgiveness but Acceptance, Acceptance that they were shit and misstreated me. Acceptance that they will never be there for me. Acceptance that their words are not the reality and that even tho they have many times said i mean the world to the them i have never felt it, seen it. They do not care no matter how much they want to convince me that they do so i can be their support animal.

Forgiveness is not something you choose, it's something that happens. Acceptance and work within that reality makes more sense for me

I haven’t forgiven my mom but I’ve been willing to keep the relationship at least. She hasn’t really apologized and will never fully acknowledge what she did but she’s genuinely tried to be better these last couple years. I’m already NC with my dad, plus I have chronic health issues that I’ll likely start needing help with soon, so at this point I decided it’s better to at least have someone.

Edit: Also I’m glad that your dad apologized. I don’t think anyone should ever feel obligated to forgive, and of course an apology doesn’t take away all of those things that never should have happened. But him acknowledging what he did and making changes seems to have brought you some peace and I’m happy for you.

I forgave my mother. I still didn't trust her. I wanted to use it as a stepping stone for a better relationship with her so that I could heal. She totally blew it. Sometimes it's just better to cut them all off.

My opinion is that forgiveness is not for the other person. It’s for yourself.

Forgive yourself for not doing what you know you should have done, or if you didn’t know what to do and stayed.

Forgiveness is to allow you to let go of the anger and resentment towards the situation and really allow yourself to move on.

But just because you forgive doesn’t mean you forget!!!!

And boundaries are sooo important!

Not sure about the wording but I understand they deff weren't fit to have children. I don't feel much love, I don't feel much hate. More indifference than anything, and now that I wrote it out I think man that's probably a sign of healing and acceptance.

Sure there's times I think about where I get angry at the manipulation and downright cruelty, but generally I think these are the cards life handed me, why I don't know but I've done OK considering, and now super blessed after all these years to know there's a reason I am how I am, and recovery is possible, I'm deff a LOT easier on myself than I used to be. I think gradually the whole self hate sell blaming is slowly fading. Honestly that's a great step and a great feeling...... I'm grateful for that although still dealing with a lot of negatives as well....

Thank you for the question I think it really helped me today. I sure needed a boost.

Merry Christmas/ Happy holidays to everyone. I hope you all find some kind of peace and love. The same I wish for myself...

❤️ 💙 💜 💖 💗 💘 ❤️

I forgave my step dad, I realised he was as much a victim as I was. When they divorced he called me cried his eyes out and we spoke about our relationship etc and he apologised. We have a good relationship now but i although I can’t forgive my birth mother I do hold an element of compassion because her life is miserable.

I feel that forgiveness is just a useless mental gymnastic. What is forgiveness anyway, but an insubstantial thought. If the injury is still in your body, neural pathways echoing cptsd, and you’re still paying a hefty price as an adult because of it, I see no point in “forgiving”. I think only forgiveness is when you heal enough to be free from the effects of trauma and can be your true/ best self. So don’t beat yourself up if you cannot forgive, you’re not supposed to.

I have only forgiven my stepmom. My stepmom sent me a lengthy email one day apologizing for the childhood I went through. She was the only one of my parents to actually approach me and admit fault. I actually cried when she sent me the email.

We still associate with each other to this day. I've come to the understanding that she too was struggling from my dad's abuse. My dad is a master manipulator, and he pushed her to think, say, and do a lot of the awful things she did because he was breathing down her neck and convincing her to do it.

I get that completely. My dad was always a master at manipulation and he knew how to paint himself as the victim/good guy. I look back, and I can see it now as clear as day.

I think it is very very rare that an abusive person stops doing that, says sorry for their mistake and tries to be much better person. I know how it is to bear the burden of child abuse with you as you continue to live as an adult, because my father was abusive too (and still is). I think you are lucky that your father admits his mistakes and becomes a better person. In most cases people don’t change. My father hasn’t changed a tiny bit. He had more chances but no. He can’t be phisically abusive as I’m an adult now, but he still does psychologically abuse me sometimes. He still lies about not being drunk and alcoholic, doing that being drunk in front of me. / So I think you should definitely forgive your father, respect his acknowledgement of doing wrong things and effort to become a good person. This is really rare. He tries to be good. It is not taken for granted. However, I really understand you that you still pay the price of his abuse. This is something that is really hard to overcome, because it shaped you as you were becoming a developed person. It had an impact in your brain developement. I have every reason to not forgive my father, I still have a lot of psychological consequences because of his abuse, it changed me as a person like forever, but I can not hate him for this. I accepted this as my life path which I can not change and hope I will struggle less and less in the future. At the end of the day, every person has some burden in his life - maybe abusive parents, maybe serious health issues, severe depression, abusive partner…no one’s life is just honey and milk.

I do not understand forgiveness honestly. I cut ties with my abusers, and I do not think I will ever get in touch with them ever again. I want to process the trauma and understand what I can understand from it then comepletly forget about them. But establishing a relationship with them in the future? No, if that is forgiveness then I cannot do that. But I aspire to think of them and not feel bad feelings; the resentment, the betrayal and all that pain. My abusers completely destroyed me, and now that I have grown up, I feel like I have the chance to build the life I have always deserved. It will take a lot of time, and it is mainly because of them. So when I figure my way out of this, I think I owe it to myself to never ever allow them into my life again. I also owe it to myself to let go of them and empty my mind of them. I hope I get there someday.

No, I just couldn't understand why they hated their own children so much or why the abuse was so entertaining for them. They couldn't understand why other parents where not tormenting their children. We other parents boosted about their children's achievement my parents would not understand. Being a parent is the best sadistic entertainment you can get. When I was being successful at something was a disappointment for them and my failures made them smile.

Yes I forgave my dad decades ago, that being said what he did to me completely ruined my life. Him n mom are both dead and I would’ve been homeless and probably dead without them, so I can relate to your post. I’m 63 with numerous mental and physical health problems directly from the abuse so it’s something I live with 24/7 but I also believe forgiveness benefits the person doing the forgiving. Also my dad yelled at me n mom every day until he died at 92 years old about 9 years ago, so it really hit a nerve like it did in childhood triggering me. I’m severely bipolar, on disability, and they let me live with them 23-30, 47-60, then I inherited the family home which I live in still, my brother n sister are both well off financially but still I’m fortunate to get it. I took care of them in their final years n they never had to go to a nursing home which they appreciated as well. I know some people are big on no or limited contact with their abuser but to me it’s still family and family is important. I never heard my dad apologize about anything, when he was needing to apologize he would yell “I’m sorry to hell and back”

Hell no. They’re still just as rotten as they ever were.

Yes mynfather is also supporting me, so i am respectful in some way, but i also not forget that he can't have an honest conversation about the family system and that he covered the truth for a very long time, and that has costed me my future.

He made me a scapegoat, that's sadly an indemiable truth, he forced this role on me using violence and that's something i can forgive. It's also truth that he did'nt know what to do and lacked the parental and manly skills to act.

kind of amazing that your dad actually changed. it's so rare. did something kick-start that process, if you don't mind me asking?

not that he's owed "forgiveness", whatever that is.

the question itself is kind of a non-starter for me... i think it's important and valuable to try to understand where an abuser comes from (did their circumstances contribute to their behavior). i think it's important to try to understand how you and your abuser's interactions might mesh into an unhealthy behavior in yourself (e.g. fawning).

but if i look deeply into what forgiveness is in this kind of circumstance, it all becomes very murky.

i can forgive a person a mistake, easily, if they don't do it again (and again). i can forgive a kid nearly anything, because they're kids. my dog has a 100% forgiveness card.

but an adult who has done a bad thing to a child over and over and over? one can understand them, one can lose the resentment and anger, one can let the past go (inasmuch as CPTSD allows)... but forgiveness in those circumstances just doesn't make sense.

If your abusers aren't n*rcs, they can change. If they sit down and listen and apologise and then actually do better you can have relationship with them. Even a good one. But they need to stop making excuses.

Family that is. Exes are exes for a reason.

I did... at first. I can only forgive if the things they did were mistakes, which sometimes they would claim. But I know when someone is lying to me, or lying to themselves to excuse behavior. I can understand, I cannot forgive that

Im a bit of a stickler on forgiveness I guess. I know they say its supposed to be healing, but I think thats were understanding comes in. I understand why people do the most horrific things you can imagine, doesn't mean its forgivable even if the person doing the harm has an extremely tragic story that makes their abuse or harm predictable and understandable.

I've been working on it. My mother was neglectful and emotionally abusive more than physically (tho controlled "disciplinary" physical punishments weren't uncommon). I moved out at 18 and went low contact for 5 years, then no contact for another 5-6. She did some self work in that time and recognized her mistakes, acknowledged that just because it was a part of generational abuse it didn't negate what happened or the trauma I hold from it, and has been trying to make amends.

We have nothing in common and don't necessarily get along, but I don't hold any ill will towards her anymore. She helps me how she can and leaves me alone most of the time. If I can't have a close loving family relationship, kind and beneficial indifference is good enough for me.

There was the cycle of abuse. I would forgive my parents then something would happen and I would set up no contact or boundaries them they would apologise and it would happen again. Once I had children I didn't want them exposed to abuse so I limited contact but it still happened. Eventually my mother admitted that she wasn't sorry and that she only sad sorry because she wanted me to talk to her. She said I deserved the abuse (mind you this was physical abuse into my early 30s while I was 8-9 months pregnant with my youngest).

I realised that she will never actually be sorry and did not deserve forgiveness. So I cut contact permanently.

My father who was also abusive took no responsibility and tried to blame my mother for everything. So I cut him out permanently too.

They don't deserve forgiveness. They are dead to me. I have mourned them and the fact I will never have the parents I deserve.

My dad was a violent alcoholic when I was a kid, and strangled my mom (nonfatally) when I was 9. He went to prison for 12 years, came out stone cold sober, and has gone above and beyond since then to repair the relationship with me and build a good relationship with my kids. I dealt with my own substance abuse issues (I'm 8 years sober myself) which gave me the ability to put myself in his shoes and understand him better. After getting to know each other as 2 sober adults, I've come to realize that we are actually a lot alike, and we deal with very similar mental health issues. Nobody just decides to be an abusive addict for funsies. Unfortunately he had a massive stroke last year and lost most of his faculties, but I'm glad I forgave him in time to have the relationship that we did when he was still himself.

not forgiveness, moreso acceptance. they both had trauma. i told them i'd been molested by two of my older brothers. they said they were very sorry it happened, and both of them disclosed back to me— it happened to my dad at 6, my mum at 4. they're csa survivors just like I am. i know how painful it is. i have so much compassion for it. they had children when they were in their early 20s. I'M in my early 20s and I could never raise a child.

All the things they did, they thought they were justified in doing it. they truly believed what they did was good parenting. it was NOT, not by any stretch of the imagination. it was abusive as fuck.

i'm still no contact with them, but in our last conversation I told them that I loved them, and that I knew they did their best. there was a lot of healing for me in that conversation. if i feel like i want to see them, i'll go see them. but i never get that feeling, so i remain no contact.

i still haven't forgiven them. I don't think I ever will. I have so much trauma to process. I used to hide under my bed and in my closet as a child to cry. I would hug my knees to my chest and bury my face into my legs and wish I could just disappear. i was saving money to run away from home at six years old, hiding my ten dollar notes and thinking that would be enough. I LOVE that child. im so furious for her.

and i'm so furious now, that I face so many problems in my adult life because of the trauma. i have no friends, no one to rely on, I'm completely alone. every day I deal with a new culture shock because things that were normal in my house are NOT normal in the real world and no one has any patience for it.

People who push forgiveness have no idea what is really is. I was being told to forgive my parents when I was 15 years old, stuck with my parents, actively being molested. forgiveness is one of the deeper emotions. it cannot be forced. it cannot be bargained with or negotiated. it's a free expression of the self. forgiveness is not a bandaid solution or sweeping things under the rug. i might never forgive my parents, and that's not wrong or evil.

I've forgiven my step dad for his abuse(not physical alot) but I want to move on my life. I didn't until late this year. I forgive my mom. I've forgiven how she always chose him and the stuff she has said. But the pain still remains, and sometimes I want to be alone. But it's better than before I was mad every day. It can happen but don't do it for them, it will happen in time. I just got tired of my literal chest pains from stress and shit. I deserved better, but it still happened in time, that can be months or years later.

I would have forgiven my father if he said sorry or showed any remorse.

Instead, he died and brought his narcissistic self to the grave.

I had a very complicated relationship with my mother.

I could go into how the women in my family have been treated by men through all the generations, touch on the sexism and abuse they all experienced, how they’ve all enabled the abuse and carried it on because of the various trauma bonds they formed, but I’ll keep it short.

I love my mother because I know she’s a good person who’s been abused all her life by the men in our family. She’s such a sweet and loving woman, she just can’t fathom that my father is horrible. She’s tried her best to raise me, and she did it on her own despite my father being there.

I love my mother because of her commitment, her love, and her genuine kindness. She is a good woman.

But I also hate her for how she’s enabled my father’s abuse, how she refuses to leave him, how she can’t see through the trauma bond and realize how horrible he treats her.

Have I forgiven her? Sometimes. Other times I haven’t. But all in all, I understand her. Through and through I understand. She’s just a woman who’s done everything in her power to make my life somewhat enjoyable despite the other factors. And I appreciate and recognize her efforts.

No, my father died three years ago and my mother is 91. Can’t wait for her to die. I still talk to her for but she is the same manipulative evil bitch. I just have found counselling and therapy, unfortunately my dead sister (died of alcoholism as she couldn’t deal with it) and my brother have/did not. Christmas is a tough time (hence me writing this at seven minutes past midnight on Christmas morning!

Incredible. My dad vanishes when he is needed. When I just think of it I have rage. I won't forgive, I am just trying to understand why it is possible to be as much debilitating.

Forgive, maybe? To keep the peace.

But I am changing my last name because I don’t want his anymore. I don’t even care if he writes me out of the will.

I have personally forgiven my parents for everything I currently remember. I’m only able to I feel because my parents have matured in their old age and have talked about things with me, expressing genuine remorse and we are all working on developing new relationships with me as an adult for the time they have left.

Even then, I was very angry with them for years after coming to understand things. It hasn’t been a quick process and I know I got lucky by having parents who were willing to reflect & realize where they went wrong.

To those who can’t get that type of closure, sending you love and peace ♥️ I hope you all find a way that works for you to be happiest.

I forgave my mother because she did the work to be better and truly tried her best when I was in my 30s.

My father is not sorry and does not want to do better, so he is not forgiven.

I'm on the path. I know they did the best they could with what they had, but both of them came from very controlling and intense households and neither of them are willing to admit they're traumatised by the things that happened to them. So it resulted in a lot of denial that anything about our lives was messed up, even though a lot of things were, when I look back objectively. So I'm there being like "why is no one willing to talk about how messed up everything is/was?" and they're like "talk about what?"

Ultimately, forgiveness will come when I'm ready, but I still know that the relationships are not salvageable. I've gone no-contact, and I'm at peace with that decision.

My mother sent me a message 'apologizing' on new years. I think I still have it posted on this account. Basically to sum it up all she talks about is memememememememememe. She's sorry, but I didn't make her life easy so it should even out ig. There is nothing that could happen where I would ever go back to her, and nothing she could ever say that would allow me to forgive her.

I didn't forgive, but I accepted it

Nope. Haven’t forgiven them, don’t intend to.

Yes, one of them I forgive them but I can't talk to them about it, because they can't face what they did. Still I see them trying to improve, they went through horrible abuse as a child, and they didn't let them get the help they needed for their disorder. Problem is, they still don't seem to get better. It's really sad honestly, I love them, but talking to them makes me freeze. We can only talk about certain things, any misunderstanding and things will go downrail.

The other was mostly enabler, although also had some times were they would insult me and other, I forgive them but I still get trauma responses with them too. It's a constant up and down of feeling I can trust them and then feeling I cannot trust them. I get angry at times and I try to understand the situation but I can't help but feel angry for what they allowed, said and did. It's complicated, but they have improved a lot, they have said sorry too, sometimes they do a step back and start saying again something wasn't as bad or didn't really happen, then they take some time and recognize it was bad and it did happen.

I remember this phase...you think it's better then you move out and relize it never was they just changed how they hurt you.

I forgive my mom. She was doing the best she could with the hand she was dealt. I do not blame her for what happened in my childhood but only hold her responsible for how she’s treated me as adult. Doesn’t really do any good for me to hold on to how people have treated me. Only causes me more hurt.

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services, or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I think I forgive my mother for neglecting me from birth but she died when I was young. Heard the story from my farther.. she isn’t here so I cannot dispute this with her.

I forgave my dad for being abusive after he truly changed his ways and it ended up working out for the best. He died a few years later though. RIP

my mom has done a lot of reflection on all the ways things went wrong and her place in that, be it her action or inaction. i have also take a lot of time and effort to do that. we see our family as a unit that didn’t operate properly for thousands of reasons both in and out of our control and she’s worked to acknowledge and be sensitive to that in our interactions. we don’t speak frequently because we live half a country apart, but when we do i know what to expect of her and what she’s capable of giving as a mother. i would say my relationship with her is one of my healthiest familial relationships today, when a decade ago we hadn’t spoken for four years.

My situation is a bit different from many people on this sub, as my parents were pretty good when i was little but failed me in my teens. I've got a good relationship with my parents now, my mom has apologized many times and clearly regrets how things went down. They weren't horrible people as much as poorly equipped people in a bad situation, getting terrible advice. While I really struggle to understand their decisions and behavior from that time, I believe they have learned and adjusted, and they've been supportive and caring since we came back from being low contact. It took a long time to trust them at all again, and longer to feel like they were family again, but they put the effort in and really earned our relationship back.

I did. I knew it was important to me to forgive my mother before she died. No judgment to anyone, but I'm glad I did it for me.

i’m getting there with my mom , and barely talk to my dad. for me it isn’t forgiveness but more an understanding of being able to put myself in their shoes as i’ve aged and realizing i probably would have fucked up too if i was that young. if they can start to take accountability and recognize your experience as an individual it usually goes better

I might have forgiven them if they'd actually acknowledged what they did and were actually willing to get proper help and all that. But they didn't. The refused to acknowledge anything, they deflected, they made it about them, they refused to believe any of the things I said. So I haven't spoken to them in over two years at this point.

my dad has changed a lot since he started therapy and al-anon. he has vaguely identified that he crossed lines with me growing up. so, i feel forgiving of him, if only to have at least one semi-honest parent relationship. however, he still manipulates sometimes, and will explicitly admit that he lied to get me to do something. it’s like he doesn’t understand it is wrong, which may be true, i don’t know. i am wondering if OP has any moments with their dad (like when he gets mad) that still crosses a line in some way.

I've forgiven my Dad, he sounds similar to yours. He's 85, healthy, but who knows how much longer he will be around? My mom is another story. She was very neglectful when I was young. Treated my brother and I just awfully. Would tell me that 'there is something wrong with you; you are a defective human being.' She has not really changed. She was not a good mother. She's also 85 and has alzheimers, I'm guessing she may not live another year. I can't help but wonder if I will feel a sense of relief when she is gone.

Forgiven-ish.

I have been able to piece enough together from some of my mom’s stories of her mom to know that my mom also has CPTSD. I also remember a time that admitting to going to therapy was something that was an offense worth ridicule and mocking, and it wasn’t that long ago. There are a lot of things my mom did very wrong, but there was a cultural acceptance to it that I am only just now starting to see changes for. How she treated me was not ok, but she didn’t have the tools to do better, the wide availability of therapy to turn to, the financial resources to try, or the slightest idea of what emotional regulation would look like. She was a product of what her mother made, and that woman a very likely product of what her mother made before her. I know now that my mom truly did the best she could with the piss poor coping skills handed down to her. So for that, I do forgive her.

I had to cut contact with my mom for 10 years before I developed the coping skills to be able to deal with her without getting triggered. I have less forgiveness for her current behaviors because she no longer has the excuses I listed above, but she flat out told me that she is too old to change now so she doesn’t want to try. So I work my boundaries and I remember what is and isn’t true about myself and her. I can see her for what she is now which is a very sad and scared girl trapped in a seniors body. She doesn’t get to treat me like she did before and if she ever tried to raise a hand to me again I’d lay her flat on her ass. Her power over me is gone, and I now have tools for if she ever does trigger me. And I can walk away at any time. She doesn’t get forgiveness now, but I also don’t have to tolerate it now and I can tell her so.

I have forgiven and accepted them because I came to the conclusion they did the best with what they had. My mom has tried super hard to improve, my dad is unknown.

I don’t know how I’d feel if they had committed worse things, like SA, so I can’t say that those are universal goals everyone should strive towards.

I feel very lucky to live in today’s world where we have language and the means to go about healing. They didn’t have that. Acceptance has been the biggest improvement for my symptoms aside from Bowen Family Systems therapy.

I do my best to keep contact with them. I understand where they are coming from, and what traumas they carry. But the things they have done to me I am still unpacking. They were absent from my life which is forgiveable if a little painful. But they have continued to hurt me throughout my adult life. I have been gaslighted for being practical and thoughtful towards them. I have been told that I have no common sense despite going out of my way to help them. They are still unable to change, whereas I have changed so much and I still accommodate them. I say I have forgiven them, but every time they hurt me, I still hurt, and I try to forget but I can't.

They never asked for forgiveness and if they had I would have told them what they told me. “You can’t just be whoever you want and act however you want and expect us to love you”.

I forgave my father. It wasn’t a decision and happened seamlessly after I realized how much he had changed. He learnt his lesson and made a great father to my younger step-siblings. My inner child healed with his new parental role and any traces of my prior father complex just vanished. Prior to this, I always thought forgiveness is a choice but in my case it just happened.

I couldn’t forgive my mother, though, and I doubt I’ll ever be able to. I accepted her, acknowledged her for what she is and by doing that I draw very stict boundaries, too. She’s a narcissist and can’t be held accountable for her actions. I “arranged” an intervention for her in 2018, a last attempt to make her admit her wrongdoings. She called me a liar and threatened me with a lawsuit. Since then she is “nice” but only because she doesn’t trust me anymore to show me her true self - I know her enough to know this. I went low-contact with her but I could go no-contact - if I didn’t cause a huge family drama with it - since she triggers the hell out of me. Even my voice lowers when I speak to her, it’s crazy. So yeah, if I could, I would already have forgiven her but since she doesn’t change, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her.

I've forgiven them, but I still am no contact with my mom, because it's not emotionally safe for me or my family to have any contact with her.

I had forgiven my dad as well, but the relationship was so damaged that there was no chance of reconciliation. When he died, I had no emotional reaction at all. As far as I was concerned, I had already mourned him years before that.

I forgave my father during his dying process - for him. I forgave him in my heart when I took a walk in his shoes, being married to a narcissist.

Yes! My mom is a complete narcissist, and really did mistreat me with a lot of parentification, emotional manipulation and physical violence that I still suffer from time to time of the consequences.

With that being said, she has genuinely apologized 5-6 years ago and I have noticeably seen improvements with her behaviour. (I'm not saying that she stopped being a narcissist since she sometimes do have those type of habits but from how much she has improved I think it's a miracle). I can tell that sometimes she genuinely tries to empathize but can't and it makes me sad sometimes, but also at the same time I can't hate her because she really does help me a lot for emotional turmoil I go through now.

Same with my dad, he was really avoidant and I realized while he might have not actively abused me, he was completely neglectful of my concerns because he was too busy. He's also apologized and told me he feels completely guilty about how hard I've had it, especially knowing that he really wanted to be a good dad.

I also realize that genuine apologies don't come by to most people grown up from abusive families, so am completely grateful I got that and was able to heal my relationship with them. We had many ups and downs and I still get triggered. But I realized I also need boundaries, like accepting that they are different people so it's not fair to keep talking about things that bother me from years ago because it's shame inducing, but also at the same time realizing that I still need time to heal because what I went through was truly traumatic.

I sometimes talk about it to my therapist, or if I feel like they're in a receptive mood I'll sometimes bring up the past and how it affected me and ask them that it would be appreciated if they just listened and tried in the best way to validate my feelings when I was younger cause it would make me feel loved and connect with them, and also adding that I'm bringing these things up not because I want to shun them and criticize them, but to express how I felt and want them to validate it. Sometimes, they really do come through and it makes me feel actually "healed", but also I always try to keep in mind that my feelings might not be well received because they could get defensive or dismissive on bad days, but I try to prepare for that too and also try to realize that they're not perfect and will set up high boundaries to emotionally distance myself from them if I am hurt.

Also, I realized that forgiveness is seperate from reconciliation because forgiveness is a choice that the individual makes on their own terms. So, I do want to reconcile with my parents because I still love them, but I realized I need to actually put in active effort to forgive them on my end too. It's not because it's my FAULT per se that I need to be putting in any effort, but moreso my responsibility since I did make the active and conscious decision to forgive them. So that's a consequence of my decision, and that's how I try to prevent myself from spiralling into a helpless person.

I struggle to because my mother’s way of apologizing consists of telling me to forget about it and live in the present and not the past. Yet, most of my mental health problems are all linked to my childhood and how horribly I was treated by every fucking adult.

I've pretty much forgiven my mom. And actually my step dad (who wasn't that bad) before he died. Both apologized (repeatedly) for the things they did, and decisions they made that hurt and scarred me. Not everything, but they came to their realizations on their own... and when I did bring something up, they owned it and I believe they were/are truly ashamed and sorry. But. I couldn't in any way be living under their roof. The damage is still damaged. My brain appears to have gotten permanently wired wrong, and I will always be medicated for working on repairing that damage. It does, however, make healing easier, I think, for me. But the triggers, ESPECIALLY if it was still the exact same home and my exact same room existed, would be way too much to navigate at all. Definitely space is a help, but it's also nearly a miracle to find and afford right now. Hugs, OP.

Forgive them? Yes. Both of them i forgive. I still talk to my mom but not my father because he has no sense of accountability, so I don't need or want to see/talk to him.

After i threatened to put im back in jail if he refuses to respect my boundaries, hes been respecting it despite his personality disorder.

I've forgiven my mom because she made a lot of self improvement. The way you describe your dad could be my mom now. She's medicated now and is more in control of herself, while also still taking responsibility for how she acted when it comes up. Now that she's holding her own mental health together, she's one of the kindest people I know all around and is always very understanding and empathetic. We can't undo the damage she did when I was younger, but because she's not that person anymore we can at least move on.

I think this sounds like real acknowledgment and atonement. However, living on your own (if possible) can reduce the reactivity to the past. I’m in DBT group and individual therapy. DBT reframes “triggers” to “reactions.” There’s a subtle difference there that I am still learning (it’s hard to define the difference to be honest).

Forgiveness isn’t a choice, it’s a reward after a certain amount of effective grieving. You still being triggered is a good sign that you still haven’t grieved the pain and losses of your childhood.

Echoing many others here by saying it's more of an acceptance than it is forgiveness !! My dad was physically abusive to my mom, sisters, and myself all throughout my childhood. It was a constant walk on eggshells to try not to set him off. We went through a major shift in my last year of high school after an incident transpired between my dad and I and he entered therapy and anger management issues. I like to tell my therapist that I have two dads lol one before therapy and one after. The latter being kind, and fun and the type of father figure I would have loved to have as a kid. Does this excuse the abuse and trauma we experienced as a family growing up? No, definitely not. I wish I could give young me the kindness and love that he gives now. But I also actively try to not hold resentment towards him because I know he experienced major generational trauma and didn't know how to effectively deal with his own mental health for so long. He still gets mad every now and then as every human being does but I can see he's healed and uses exercises to listen and control his anger. He is constantly working on not being the person he used to be. This doesn't excuse his past and honestly I still find myself feeling angry at him when he's done nothing wrong in the present. It's a choice I feel you make whether you're ready to accept them back into your life knowing they've done what they have done. Rant over sorry!

I completely understand. My parents are more respectful now, there is still some ab*se, but it's getting better. In the past few months, I've started to stand up for myself and things have progressed more. I think our relationship may be able to get healthy with some time.

To be honest, I don't know if it's about forgiveness. As Taylor Swift said you don't have to forgive to move on, and I agree. I don't know if your inner child could ever forgive that, I don't know all the details. That's more your choice, but I would say that it's not that much about forgiveness and more so about moving on. Not being triggerred anymore, feeling at peace, almost forgetting the tra*ma. With time, and some therapy, it can probably happen! I don't know which type of therapy you're doing but EMDR therapy is pure magic.
Anyways, I'm very happy for you!

I actually totally see where you're coming from, it's hard to find people like us, probably because most parents don't improve, or if they did, the kids cut ties and don't know about it. "Stayers" like us seem to be a rarity in the US, most instances I've seen are from Europeans or non-Western cultures entirely. Thank you for your post, it's interesting to see a perspective where one can forgive and even be happy with those you live with, but also not brush away the fact that there can still be lingering damage. Also, whether your dad was violent or not, it's possible to like living at home but also want to move out at the same time, lol.

It's the hardest thing to do, but you have to.

I'm 34 and only until this year yes

I wouldn’t say forgiveness but I understand why now.

I think understanding why is more important than forgiveness.

My sister d8d pretty terrible things to Mr. I sm not going to wish her happy Christmas this year Forgiveness dies not Jean that I let it go forgiveness means that I choose to have some empathy for then thenohys7cak abuse ny duster dumped on me. And she was particularly violent at Christmas is not forgotten I will never be on good terms with her. Civil And as far as #triggers# go I go out of my way to have boundaries. Being immersed in otsd is bad for my heakth. ..

My sister may be #civil# a lifetime of abuse is not something I can move on from. Forgiveness is not un the cards for her. I can live with that.

I forgave but I still maintained my distance, by that I mean I stopped holding emotions about the events but always remembered what occurred and made the decision to cut my mother off for good because she never changed, my dad seems to be changing gradually, slowly but gradually and his progress doesn't seem to be reverting over many years, so I can forgive and slowly let him back in, bit by bit, because mum has refused to do anything towards reconciling and stays the way she was and won't correct her issues, I've decided it isn't worth the risk to reconcile with her.

So they're forgiven but that doesn't mean I became complacent. Forgiveness isn't about those who wronged you but about yourself and allowing yourself to be free from the burden of pain and anger.

My father was a violent abusive man. I have made peace with what happened in my life. Forgiveness maybe but not on the way of everything okay. More that I’m not going to carry that burden anymore. I went no contact with him about ten years ago and I’m at peace with that. Everyone might now agree but I will not be the one to resolve his guilt. Iv made peace with myself and that’s enough for me.

My parents don't realize that what they did left a very big impact on me. They have not appologized and I highly dought they ever will.

I see it like I have started a new relationship rather than forgiving them. A relationship where we are all adults. We are all equal now. When they get older a third relationship type will start where my sister and I will need to take care of them.

This is my way of moving towards something better.

I forgave my Mom for her physical and emotional abuse, and severe neglect because over time I realized how mentally ill she was. Never really forgave my dad for abandoning me as an infant, not paying child support, then when we did meet, molesting me. His sister (my dear Auntie) pressured me to forgive him but he wasn’t actually sorry and I know that because he continued to lie and deny.

My parents weren’t the best but they were not bad either, of course most of my traumas stem from them, but they were also young and had little to no experience. When I turned 18/19 I admired my mom for being so brave taking care of me at her age (19) I was her first son so we grew up together, and she mothered my brother. It doesn’t take away the fact that I was traumatized but she did all she could do protect me

I forgave my mother for leaving me, but not the fact that she never made any effort the resort of my life

No. Never. They never once acknowledged what they did. Even when I brought up specific instances, even when I had friends and other family members back me up, it was still blaming me. As if I was the cause of their suffering and their endless abuse. I didn’t chose to be born. I’ll never understand parents when inflict existence on a child and then blame the child for it.

I just basically accepted it. As an adult; I said I’m gonna go live my own life and never talk to you fucks ever again.

if you forgive, your life will become a downward spiral. even if you decide to consciously forgive on a mental level, i can assure and would bet on everything in existence that the only thing you can see when you look at them is who they actually are even if they never do it again. it is an uncontrollable experience. your inner child, physical body, and eternal soul cant and shouldn’t be expected to forgive. the mind can say whatever it wants. and unfortunately, it can make decisions and call the shots. but we all know how often it can be wrong, to life-destroying degrees. please do yourself a favor and drop the expectation of forgiveness entirely. rather than the victim seeking to “forgive” (appease) literal fucking abusers, the abusers should be the ones feeling that seething guilt and shame, ceaselessly, until they die.

Nope

No. Not yet, but I've been working on it. My Mom was violent and incredibly emotionally abusive. My Dad was completely absent and not around, and chose to ignore all the abuse that was going on. My Mom is dead and never apologized or acknowledged anything. I tried to talk to my Dad about how horrible things were growing up, and that they're the reason for all my struggles and lack of external life success now. He just got mad and told me it was effed up to speak about things like this and I should be embarrassed and never tell anyone any of this about me! I've come to terms that I'll never get an apology or even acknowledgment of how he completely failed as a parent, too. But despite this, I am going to keep working on forgiving both of them because I don't want this pain to keep blacken my heart and soul. Sending you so much peace as you work on the same in your own ways, too.

Still working on it

I’ve stopped the endless fights and the lashing out (mostly). We’re never going to be close, but I can visit for a couple weeks at a time, go on trips with them without too much incident. It helps a lot that I now live 3 states away

Yes and you should too. I did because my dad isn’t the same as he was, he changed he barely yells and he would never hit me anymore I can tell he feels guilt by the way he talks. Also as I was doing some self-awareness and just journaling I realized that I also did some messed up things to people, and I’ve changed. I hope those people don’t hold it over my head, the way I held it over my fathers head when he has changed too. Maybe one way to see it, but this only works if your parent changed if they didn’t I’m not sure if I would’ve forgiven my dad, probably not.

Getting distance and setting boundaries made me able to feel like I'm forgiving a parent, even though for them it seems I have cut them off. To me, forgiving is more a feeling within yourself that its not affecting you as much anymore, rather than an outspoken conversation with the person. I've set stern boundaries after years of trying to communicate with them which they've gasslighted themselves out of. Saying its ok, whatever they say, belive and do is outside of my control, but I can set boundaries for myself and allow me to have peace, with that distance and feeling of safety that came along with having control of my own life, that's when I started feeling what I'll describe as forgiveness.

Absolutely not

Honestly, I’m not even sure. My mother, who was my main abuser, died this summer, and only after that, I felt at peace. Like I could finally stop being angry. Maybe because now no one who is to blame for all of this is alive anymore. I like to think, that my anger died with her. I’m still hurting, and frustrated, that she got away with abusing 3 of her kids and faced no concequences, but now, after her death, I think I will finally may be able to heal.

Not really. The physical and mental abuse. The neglect and betrayals. Eh, I can "learn to move on" but I can't ever forgive them. I am not that much older when they had my sister and myself but even I know that you never should do the shit they did to a child. I always think that if I ever forgive them, then whatever happened to me was my fault and it was justified, you know? We don't forgive dog abusers yet when we are adults we get told "they tried their best", pathetic

No. I've tried so hard to forgive. For years now. but I can barely accept everything they've done. It's a struggle.

I think I'll never be able to fully forgive them, first I need to heal and forgive myself.

No, but my demon units don’t give two shits about me so fuck em.

My dad didn't abuse me, but he neglected me emotionally which had an influence on how I am now. Despite the fact that he changed and kinda acknowledged his mistake, I still can't bring myself to forgive him. I dont think I will be for a good while.

I'll never forgive my mom. Not in a negative, self destructive way. What she did was unforgiveable, I only need to forgive myself.

No. Maybe... How do you define forgiveness? Is it not being angry at all or not wanting revenge, iIk?

My parents never apologized. I disowned my father when I was 10 and my mother barely changed her abusive behavior, even when I was an adult (at least the physical abuse stopped when I moved out.)

I came to understand that they were dealing with their own MH issues and it lessened the anger, but I'm still pissed off about it because I deserved a stable family and all of the advantages connected to that.

Your nervous system is still reacting like your a kid because that’s how it responds. Now that things are safe you are out of survival mode and can notice the triggers for what they are. I highly suggest somatic therapy!! That’s great that he’s changed for the better, you can feel better too!

NOPE

Dad, no. Fuck him

I'm pretty sure my mom is autistic. I don't know what to think of that.

I realized that my parents in my personal situation have their own trauma and patterns inherited from their parents, and I'm not a mind reader, so it's easier for me to just think that they're completely unaware of themselves and their narcissistic behaviour, so it's easier for me to forgive them that way. I do feel anger about how they treated and continue to treat me, but I kinda excuse them with ignorance, because I'm not sure if they know what they do.

​

If they knew what they did, then I would be more mad about it, but I think that I would forgive them anyway because they just don't know better. If they really knew better, not just cognitively memorizing "this is the right thing to do", then they wouldn't act this way in the first place. So I kind of see my parents as babies, or just immature and I think it's silly to hold resentment towards these kind of people because it's just not in me to do that.

I’ve tied forgiving my father for his violent past. Unfortunately he slips back into abusive tactics and doesn’t remember or take responsibility. So I have moved on to no contact and where I have to, I need to defend boundaries constantly. You can forgive, but you can’t forget.