What’s your experience dating someone who has had no trauma and a privileged life?

She told me I needed therapy like it was something to be ashamed of. I was already in therapy. I told her "same to you dear."

People you descibe usually don't want to talk to me even online, lol

He is very supportive and kind to me. He constantly validates me and my emotions and reminds me that I'm not crazy. It's pretty amazing really.

That said, everyone has had some degree of trauma, but obviously those on the very mild trauma end could never understand what it is like to be brought up in an environment that lacks the love he experienced.

I’ve noticed that typically, they’re not as privileged as they seem and there’s usually some weird trauma in there that they are actually in denial about. Typically it’s just that their family is actually quite toxic and has codependency problems nobody recognizes as that’s just how it has always been. I’m not shaming that, at all- but because the abuse I experienced was so obvious, usually you get to this point where they compare to continue downplaying their own issues, a sort of “But it was never that bad” but, you can see that they do have issues.

Edit: frankly it was an incredibly weird thing to discover as an adult because I spent so much of my childhood just wishing I could have a “normal” family only to discover that honestly, there’s no such thing.

His seemingly healthy mom got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few months into our relationship so unfortunately for him, he found out what trauma was all about pretty suddenly.

I wouldn't say he had a perfect life but definitely much better than mine. He has a good relationship with his mom, so he at least got to have a healthy parent. He doesn't understand my struggles and can't relate. I tried explaining briefly. He gets worried about me sometimes, but I really just got used to not being okay. He wonders why I have trouble making friends or talking to people. He assumed that I didn't like his friends when in reality I just got anxious around people for all reasons. I have to do some explaining sometimes. But yeah, seeing a healthier person makes me realize how unhealthy I am.

Sometimes he complains about small things and I am like why?? in my head. I don't intend to invalidate him, but he would get bothered by something so small when I don't get bothered by it cause I guess I have a high tolerance now.

I used to be insecure about it, but I learnt to accept that healthy people might see me occasionally as having not much of a life (despite me having hobbies and stuff) and doing nothing as opposed to how much they do and live. It used to make me sad until I accepted that well, my nervous system is not like theirs and I have to do things on my own terms.

I'm currently dating someone who has no trauma and a privileged life. Except.... Heh, I'm the eternal optimist somehow 😅

Him being emotionally well rounded is how our relationship was able to build. I was this ball of crazy, and he was this bastion of peace. Just by existing in my proximity, he showed me, without fear or shame, that I wasn't normal, that not all people were evil and crazy. This is what motivated me to heal.

Things weren't always sunshine and roses though. I had no idea what to expect, and what I could expect of him, in a "healthy" relationship, so in the beginning I expected nothing, but as I realized I could expect things of him, I overcorrected, and asked for too much.

He found ways to tell me my behavior wasn't, ahem, helpful, that somehow didn't make me feel like shit. I had this feeling, throughout my healing process, that I could, in fact, continue existing in my toxic, unhealed state and he'd still love me, and that's what really spurred me on to get better. Basically, he made me want to change, without making me feel like I had to.

I’ve met/worked with lots of people who’ve never experienced any serious trauma. They view people who experienced trauma as flawed/broken/difficult/unstable/different to the rest of society. If you’re ‘different’ then that’s scary to a lot of people and therefore people avoid you.

The majority of people who haven’t experienced serious trauma lack empathy, compassion and understanding towards those who have.

We never dated, but a guy that was relatively securely attached with no major trauma did romantically pursue me for quite a while. I think I may have been a bit of a mystery to him, as it always felt like he couldn't quite work me out. Admittedly, I found his stability to be really disconcerting because I'd never experienced a healthy relationship (by that stage of my life). So in that sense he was a bit of a mystery to me too

I was also struggling with a dissociative disorder that I had no idea about as the amnesia I experienced masked the more obvious symptoms. But there were a few moments when he'd say to me, "hey, who was that girl I was speaking to last night?" (Referring to my behaviour whilst in a dissociated state that I couldn't remember). My response to this was to completely freak out and run away from him. I knew something was "wrong" with me back then (but had no idea what), and the fact that someone else had seen it too made me feel extremely vulnerable.

Have been with my bf for 7 years. His only trauma that i know of was losing his father at 23 years old. It's challenging. Plus, I have 3 kids from a previous marriage we are raising together. My kids have their own trauma (biofather is on death row....long, long story that contributes to my cPTSD).

Just last night, I was sobbing because it's so hard. He's amazing, mostly. My pain is just so much, and navigating this complicated life is so fucking HARD. Sometimes I very much wish I could move out, but not only can I not afford it, I think that it would ultimately be worse for my kids.

He just doesn't get it, i dont think. Asks me if there's an end game for therapy. Like, 1. What difference does it make to you? Its 1 hr every 2 weeks during the time the kids are at school. Doesnt inconvenience anyone. 2. As much as I'm doing it for me, I'm also doing it to be a better mother and partner. Shouldn't you want that?

Idk. I'm so fucking tired.

I’m in this situation with my partner. He’s not eternally positive though, still struggles with some ~maybe ADHD and probably depression~ (he agrees but doesn’t want an official diagnosis). But he agrees that he had a great childhood, up until Covid when he was faced with how tough reality can be for the first time. I found that he is great to have around when I’m having an episode, as I can co-regulate with him and he’s good at calming me down and supporting me through it. And when stuff goes wrong for him and he needs support, I usually have practical knowledge or skills that I can share with him to help him through it. I think we make a great team, and honestly I’m thankful that I’m dating someone with a good childhood because it feels as though we have a genuine chance of building a lovely life together considering he has a mental framework for how a well-functioning household should run. He’s taught me a lot about love and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.

I don't know. But I don't want them in my life. They usually lack empathy.

Honestly I think most if not everyone has some sort of trauma. I have definitely met people who like you described seem super happy and like they’ve never had problems. However I always end up discovering that they most likely are lying and trying to portray and perfect lifestyle.

Small example was when I was in University I had this friend, I would talk about casual things like having a fight with my boyfriend or I got a low score on an assignment. She would always state she never fought with her boyfriend and they had a fairytale relationship. She got the best grades etc. I ended up finding out her boyfriend cheated on her, forced her to get an abortion and she got very low grades.

Some people can’t cope so they lie and make out like they never had to struggle. They create their dream life.

we were compatible in every other way, but he just couldn’t understand my trauma responses and eventually it became a dealbreaker. nowadays i don’t even attempt to connect with people who haven’t experienced trauma to the same degree i have

They live in a different spiritual caste I just ignore them and they ignore me. Try not to influence their lives because it causes weird and unpredictable outcomes which usually go bad for them in the long run.

Great question. I have experiences with long-term relationships at both ends of the spectrum, but both took place before I was truly aware of the effects of my childhood trauma, since I was still relatively stable during both times.

In my 20s, I got involved with someone that had a fair amount of trauma from their childhood. It was my mission in life to work with under-privleged kids (probably a trauma-response of mine) and help the down-trodden. I was attracted to her, but I think that part of me that wanted to "Save the world" was also drawn to her for her trauma. I bent over backwards to show her love and support and not hold her blow-ups towards me against her, and try to ask for little in return. I had been masking heavily my entire life, and when things turned difficult for me and I started cracking at the seams, I didn't see anything close to the support I provided her. That was the end of that.

In my 30s, I became involved with someone that came from a very privleged background, but she exhibited the punk rock aesthetic that often implies trauma, and which attracts me. She wore torn jeans, paint-spattered chucks, played drums, and performed comedy - and I was infatuated. I was shocked when we visited her house and it was an absurd mansion on a river.

We had two kids together while I was teaching math in the inner-city, and since that doesn't pay well, I took on test-prep and tutoring on the side so she could stay home with the kids. As I aged and pressures built, the symptoms of my trauma started to emerge more and more: chronic pain, chronic anxiety and panic attacks, executive funtions issues, etc. I received little to no support throughout, despite all I was doing financially, in addition to coming home and taking the kids outside to play, then helping around the house til I collapsed.

So, maybe getting support from a partner isn't related to their trauma or lack-thereof?

On the other hand: after separation, I discovered CEN (childhood emotional neglect) and realized that it's one of the causes of my adult struggles (along with severe sibling abuse). When I shared it with her, she suggested that it applied to her as well. I would have to agree. So, I guess she had her own trauma (despite the "privilege") too.

Here's the real issue, I believe: "Priveleged" people often have their own trauma (as someone else above said, "all people probably have trauma") - BUT they're less likely to be aware of it. The problem, then, is that when problems occur in relationships (and they will arise for all relationships, eventually), it's easier for them to blame the other person, because they're from a "good home" and their partner is from a "broken" one. I think this is pretty profound, honestly. I experienced it from both sides. In my first relationship, I probably took less credit for the issues that I caused or my role in the disagreements, whereas in the latter, my ex- put the blame on me.

What's the solution to this conundrum (since there will always be some amount of imbalances in relationships)? First, it's essential for people to be aware of their trauma and the effects it has on their personal relationships. Had I known of mine, I might've been able to salvage those relationships (which looms over me, heart-breakingly, every day that I don't have my kids with me) had I been self-aware and been able to convey how her behavior affected me. Maybe she would've been more willing to hear and understand the way her neglect was hurting me and been willing to change for our sake?

It's not an easy solution, by any means, but there needs to be some kind of awareness in relationships that both partners are broken in some respects, we all have our short-comings, and those are going to cause inter-personal problems occasionally. And that awareness goes both ways: (1) When a partner hurts your feelings, you work hard to be more understanding and not take it personally, knowing they probably didn't mean to hurt you, and (2) When a partner is upset, you recognize that it might be your fault and that you were acting our of an emotional flashback self-defense. If we see both ourselves and our partners and fallible, but in constant flux, and just wanting to be happy, rather than just bad people, we're more willing to work with them and have patience. Before my marriage disolved, it became painfully obvious to me that my ex- came to think of me as irrevocably broken, like it was just inherent to my nature. Why would she work on changing and being more compassionate and understanding if I was always going to be that way, in her eyes?

In sum, I don't think the amount of trauma they had or seem to have had, is less of any issue than whether they can accept that they also have issues, despite having more privilege, and if they can see as both fallible but redeemable.

Sorry, I'm kinda rambling here. It's something I've thought about a lot and thought I could articulate better, but not sure how clear I was. Hopefully, it made some sense.

So I have experience dating this type of person, although I wouldn’t go so far as to say they had no trauma.

But were they despite that, still extremely privileged? Yes. Their family was very wealthy and because of that they got set up with a career that paid them enough to live on their own, despite being a college drop out.

And they acted like someone who has privilege. They could not and refused to actually empathize with the shit I was going through and they ended up abandoning me during a time when I needed someone to be there for me the most. I grew up really poor and the poverty ensured that I was stuck with my abusive parent well into my 20s.

To this day, they are hands down one of the most self absorbed assholes I’ve ever known in my entire life.

And because of that, I just will not date someone from that kind of privileged ass background again and I will tell other abuse/trauma survivors especially those from low income backgrounds, the same thing. These people view us as fun, disposable little toys at best.

They can’t begin to understand me in the slightest.

My ex husband looooved talking about how he had the perfect parents and upbringing and would also love to point out how fucked up I am from my childhood. I believed him, I was still naive.

9 years and tons of self healing I was done looking within and started looking at him…..

Bro was a straight up narcissist, I was blind to it, because it was all I knew (my dad)! When I confronted him he lost it. He was diagnosed later and I hope he’s getting the help he needs. He refused to change, I was just his “supply”.

I kind of think people without trauma are boring as heck though.

I’m married to one and it is ROUGH at times. We’ve been married 27 years but he still doesn’t understand everything about my childhood. Sometimes he asks questions, I simply don’t have answers for. And a lot of times he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hang out with his huge loving family. I am still unfamiliar with an actual functional family.

Best thing that ever happened. She and her family gave me a basis for comparison that was absolutely invaluable. Major reorientation of what I thought was normal. We were young. We dated for years, had real love for each other, parted gently b/c of different life goals. I hope she's very happy and will always be grateful for the time we shared. Sweet, smart girl.

My wife / bff actually had it rougher coming up than I did. I was her leveling experience, I think. Or one of them. (We are very happy together :) )

I find it hard to relate to people like this beyond the surface level, which makes for bad relationships. What's worse is when guys try to act like they're super deep and sad from something that may or may not have happened to them directly, usually something that sucked but wasn't exactly ptsd inducing. I don't know if they're genuinely trying to be vulnerable with me or if it's some pick-up strategy because it often feels very insincere.

It's frustrating AF because they seem to always minimize or deny how much of an effect serial childhood abuse has on one's neveous system and mental models.

We never really 'dated' but it felt like talking to someone that was very inexperienced in life, like there was an age gap in our relationship... and that's weird and very incorrect. I'm not suddenly more mature and intelligent for being through a significant amount of trauma, but at the same time it's like they are missing a significant part of what makes someone an adult.

Maybe it feels like they are more naive? Someone might get this and have a better term for it.

Ngl, I don't like those types, as unpopular of an opinion as this is. They're like robots. My ex was one of those perfect homelife, never struggled in any capacity types. Him and his whole family refused to get help for his little brother who was carrying around bottles of alcohol and drinking from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. He also regularly told me I was "crazy" and made a lot of jokes about my mental health, that I went to therapy, etc., and his friends regularly said and did terrible things at my expense because it was "funny". (Thats not even touching how that ex told his friends about my past and they regularly made fun of me about it and regularly talked about how I made it up because "that stuff doesn't happen in real life. Would never recommend being attached to these fuckers, they're vile.)

At first, it was difficult because, me being his first girlfriend, he didn't know how to put me first in our relationship. I was always a last priority, but he still made sure to love me even if he didn't fully understand what I was going through. Then, six years into the relationship, we found out the hard way that his family were all narcissists when they decided that he was no longer allowed to date me and then went absolutely psycho when he defied them. He even helped them stalk me for a year before he finally got out from under their thumb. Then suddenly, all of the trauma came out, and he realized what it was like to be me. He became so much more compassionate and dedicated in our relationship and never put me last again. We're married now and couldn't be happier.

I’ve never properly dated someone like that, I have had crushes on some and acquaintances with others. For acquaintances I start to feel insecure, inevitably there will be some moment where they mention experiencing anxiety and I’ll be like “aha something we have in common” and then it will become clear that they do not even slightly relate to me. Makes me feel like some traumatised pariah

For crushes I feel like I can’t date them because I’ll corrupt their optimism with my sadness and mood swings and depressive periods. I’ve had men cry before when I’ve opened up to them and then I just feel horrible

My bf is one of those people who grew up with extreme privilege—I’m talking multimillionaire parents who top-notch and super supportive and should have parenting classes and books modeled after their parenting style because they’re so kind and non-toxic. He was raised with minimal trauma and was raised to be a kind a empathetic person, which is incredibly helpful. He has boundaries and communicates his needs effectively and it’s really helpful that he’s understanding of my trauma and he tells me when he’s not in the headspace to help me or be as supportive as he could he in a way that doesn’t make me feel rejected or unloved. It’s been almost 2 years and he’s incredible. Other relationships with people with privileged upbringings and no trauma haven’t lasted long because they always found a way to hurt me and make me feel rejected/broken without trying

i wanted to say that there are some special cases that have never experienced trauma and grew up in a healthy family and are still great partners. My boyfriend is one of those and although he can't ever understand what i went through, he is very empathetic and always validates my feelings and we got the hang of how he can support me. I really benefit from his motivation and positive outlook on life, i feel like this is exactly the energy that i lack and need from a partner

My first boyfriend was like this, it was awful. He had never met someone like me (he was sheltered and I had a rough childhood) so his first instinct was to tell everyone he knew about all of the bad things I've gone through.

His entire family treated me like one of those children on documentaries who survived years of abuse. Every single time I went to his house, they would ask invasive questions about my life and the trauma I went through while clutching their coffee cups and cardigans. It didn't bother me, I just thought it was strange. These people were so privileged that my lived trauma seemed like entertainment to them. Of course it was, they had only heard of those things through a TV screen or book.

The problems started to arise when my ex pressured me to go no-contact with my family. I was only 17 and still lived with them.. so I couldn't do that. His mother liked me, but she was genuinely concerned that her son was in danger just by association because of my family's criminal record. They tried to offer me a room in their house but I declined. As much as my family has traumatized me, I still loved them. My ex's family didn't understand because they were never put in such a difficult position where they had to cut off literal family members. Eventually, he gave me an ultimatum that was: cut off your family or break up. So we broke up.

It's called toxic positivity & I tend to stay away from people like that.

(Edit to add) As others here have pointed oit, I think it might be more realistic to say everyone has trauma to some degree, it's just people like you're describing have the privileges of being accepted by society on the scale they need & have lots of support systems. Basically they have the foundation & we don't 🌸

You guys are getting dates?

My boyfriend has a big, loving family, he’s stable, successful, and attractive, and besides a brief stint in uni, has never needed therapy. He’s amazing to me, incredibly supportive, and has made sure that his entire family would welcome me in too. We have a great relationship and he helps me stay stable and maintain boundaries with my family. That being said… it took about 10 years of therapy before I could be in this type of relationship with a person like this, I would not have been able to had it not been for the massive amount of growth I’ve had the last few years.

Yes I feel very uneasy around these types of people. On the other hand my husband and I both have CPTSD and it’s EXTREMELY challenging to navigate this relationship with all our traumas running around. We’re both currently in therapy which is great (took a couple years to get him on track 🙄). But now looking at things from a different perspective idk if two/or more partners with trauma is any better 😞

I don’t think I could even get to the dating stage with someone like that lol. Keeping a mask up in my work and social life is exhausting enough without having to worry about my partner not fully understanding me either. Now my partner has trauma, not nearly on the same scale as me, but enough to “get” it.

It ultimately didn’t work out. We were young though and tbf at the time I didn’t even understand how much my childhood affected me so I couldn’t really properly explain it to him either…but yeah he was one of those “being happy is a choice!” people and it drove me nuts. He just didn’t understand me, and now that I’m with someone who does understand me and fully accepts and supports me it’s so wonderful.

My ex, aside from being the “eternal optimist” was a good person and was not a bad partner, and I’d like to think by now he’s become a little more open minded, but I couldn’t date someone like that again. There’s other reasons it didn’t workout besides that so I’m not trying to say it can’t possibly work but I’m SO appreciative to have someone who doesn’t tell me to just think positive thoughts all the time

He tried to prove that he had it worse than me, while saying "it's not a competition!" If I tried to talk about my traumas.

He also said that me talking about my triggers made me look "clumsy" and that I shouldn't talk about it, because it made me look bad.

So clearly, the lack of empathy was there. I ran.

People who have never faced hardship don’t know how to deal with it when it comes their way. Also, smaller hardships feel bigger to them. They simply will not understand what those of us with complex trauma have gone through.

I have a hard time believing that there is anyone out there with no trauma, especially having survived through the COVID-19 pandemic. I don't know a single person who hasn't been impacted by the pandemic in a way that they felt was entirely out of their control. With that said, my first bf had the perfect upbringing and everything. However, he had commitment issues since his family would constantly pick up the tab for him, so to speak, so he never had to commit to anything. I grew frustrated and bored so it went nowhere.

My experience is different than most here. I have found my friends with the least trauma and the most secure attachment to be very empathetic and understanding. They don’t get it always, but they’re willing to listen if I call that out and they actually care. I also know people who come off as weirdly optimistic and usually it’s a weird relationship with a parent who was overly positive or comes from a place of repressed insecurity. And the people who think those with trauma are weak come from families that were dismissive and invalidating.

They broke up with me because it was too hard being the only person in my life who loved me. I have no one who loves me now.

I’m dating someone who is low trauma and privileged; however, he’s a good person who works to empathize with others. We’ve had to have a few tough conversations where I bring up how his over-optimism impacts me and I’ve also asked him to research trauma responses in victims of the crimes that have been committed against me, and he does so.

I think it really depends on the person. Some people just WON’T get it, but some people will actively attempt to.

It never went well. I hated feeling like a some Freak. They never understood and had issues dealing with my coping behaviors (for instance, panic and dissociating in clubs, crowded places, around lots of people). One time I actually told one why I can’t be in places like that and he said I’m always the victim. I guess he had heard enough about what happened to me.

They just generally don’t get it and lack true empathy. I always admired that they never knew what that pain was.

Being that I’m super high-functioning in a professional career, it was kind of hard to find a partner who didn’t come from a privileged background but who was also successful. I ended up marrying someone also with severe but managed cptsd. We support each other and take over if one of us is having problems. It’s actually quite nice. We recognize if the other is struggling and protection mode kicks in for both of us.

My partner never experienced true trauma until someone nearly killed him. Before that, he would invalidate my cautious habits as being too paranoid like locking the front door or crossing the street to avoid strangers. I felt like he’d humor me when I divulged some deeper issues but he’d never truly understood how much they weighed on me. He has always been very sweet and generous though, and helped me try to see the good in people instead of being suspicious of everyone. I was sad about feeling kinda isolated about my trauma, and I wished he could understand me better…. That is, until his worldview crashed and he became cynical and jaded. Then I realized I would have preferred my isolation if it meant he could have never been hurt the way he was. The new him def became more sensible, but it is really sad to see such a good boi go through that.

I can’t hold up the “positivity” mask for so long.

I fall into that same trap around my "healthy" friends and loved ones. The trick, I think, is to be yourself anyway. Good people can have empathy even without the experiences. And often it turns out they got their own stuff, still.

My boyfriend does, but he also has a nice, big, loving family. I definitely struggle with that at times, but I can talk to him about it and don't have to pretend to be positive, or like my own family is like that. If people ask, I'm open. I'll say we don't talk and that my dad was abusive. I used to try and hide it, tell the good stories I had of him.

I still do, but now it's bc they're good memories despite his abuse, not to hide who he is. It feels taboo at first, but after a while it made things much easier.

Every person I have met that claimed they don't have any trauma, was either lying to themselves or lying to me. I have had abusive people (even ones I didn't know were until many years later) that just used their pretend lack of understanding as weapons against me.

My DH would be that person for me. For 35 yrs he's been kind & patient, but he also minorities in "abnormal" (old term) psych ... so I didn't need to explain alot of my damage. It made sense to him, in tge sense of, ilC follows from B that follows from A. He helped me find the courage to heal. Tho til the day I die, I'll never understand WHY he loves me (a clear cptsd trait). I'm just grateful, and in honor of DH , I've never stopped learning about trauma & treating it so I could become a better partner & parent. But without DH I've no idea where I'd be.

But I disagree with an assumed premise, that he's "trauma free". We all have some level of trauma, and I think that's what made him empathetic to mine. Yes, mine was worse, but so what. That's the hand I was dealt, so I fight it. But I have alot of rare support.

Not well, honestly. In my experience, they've generally experienced enough trauma that they're triggered and shut down when I want to talk about mine, but not enough that they need to address it (like I do).

It’s honestly quite annoying. Like, I am genuinely glad they had a lovely adolescence, but they didn’t even attempt to understand me at all. Maybe it’s just because they can’t, because they don’t know how to, but 10/10 will only date someone with mental health issues. Idk how to handle healthy people 😂

Everyone has some trauma

I never have, it's uncanny how they've always turned out to have a similar family background with respect to having relatives with depression. My current boyfriend also had a parent who was hospitalised for it.

I feel like they'll eventually get it at one point in their lives, I dated someone like this and then turns out his dad was a pedophile

My trauma response to feeling in grave danger which may result simply from me not wanting what he wants is to freeze and fawn, which is absolutely dangerous because it may sound like I'm playing because my words match my thoughts which means said words won't be taken seriously. So unless the other person has empathy and understanding for that, i won't feel safe, and sadly enough the one person i kinda dated didn't, but it wasn't all too bad because i wasn't actually attracted lol

Tldr a lack of empathy and understanding for trauma responses

sometimes 'eternal optimists' can actually be very dangerous people

I think it can work but they need to have empathy and emotional intelligence. Some of them don’t.

Honestly I’ve found it comes down to empathy

I’ve had traumatized and non traumatized people in my life and those who have treated me the worst were not the non traumatized people straight across the board, they were the ones with entitlement issues who lacked empathy, regardless of whether their background contained trauma or not

Even the ones who weren’t traumatized but were capable of empathy and were not self entitled had no problem seeing me fully and understanding how what I’d gone through impacted me

Lol yes, once. He compounded my CPSTD from childhood and the 3 year relationship almost killed me. Abusive piece of shit.

i think there’s almost zero chance of a healthy woman dating a traumatized man unless i were dishonest about it and even then. so i just date also mentally ill women who at least somewhat understand me

I think someone can grow up in a good family/not have trauma and not necessarily be privileged in other ways. Just as someone can have trauma and be very privileged (bad combo).

While I sometimes wish my partner could relate more to my experience, intimately I am incredibly grateful for the stability he provides so that I can move through my own healing.

I had once such a guy and tbh I think he had mental issue himself, because he avoided every conflict like the plague and wanted everything to be nice, fun, good. I don’t think that this is a really healthy behavior. People without trauma that I’ve met know sadness, grief and other bad feelings, they just can deal with them

For me, it was honestly traumatizing, the constant expectation of social, to up keep the happy face, and to just passive aggressive, but never straight forward. And the judgement. When we are alone, everything was great. But whenever the friends and families come around, “why are you so quiet”, “don’t be a party pooper”, “why won’t you drink alcohol?” I guess all the good made me ignore all the red flags, on top of my upbringing making me prone to ignore it, and let people push my boundaries. I be working full time, and a part time, 6 days a week, on top of it, going to school full time, at home I have to play his mom role, cooking, dishes, laundry. I was pretty stupid working so hard for someone, without even been married. While he and his rich families just party everyday. And when I look tired, I’m somehow not a great supportive loving girlfriend. I was so burned, I thought love means give it my all. Until he dumped me.

Before I meet my current partner, I had a friend was talking about her love life, and I asked her what does she look for, she told me: It’s all about what you want to come home at the end of the day. What kind of home do you want to come back to. That really made me look at it in a different way, on how I make choices on the people I want to be with.

Now, I have find the person really do match my energy, he understands my mental health needs, and I understood his. We respect each other’s boundaries, we communicates, there are fights, but we always able to talk about it, and make a balanced decision on how to handle it forward. It’s a breath of fresh air, and the fresh air has lasted over 8 years, and still feels fresh and relaxing. His not rich, we are doing okay, and we have the most of fun just been with each other. And going out to hangout aren’t either of our thing, we both dislike the extravagant gatherings, we go travel to different national forests, and go on trips to historical places we want to visit. Life is so calm and peaceful now.

I just assume everyone has something a lil bit fucked up about their childhood. I really don't believe people can breeze through childhood without experiencing something traumatic. The people who say they had a wonderful childhood might be in denial. (Or not! Maybe some people have it good and I'm just traumatised). But it's so hard to admit/acknowledge that your parents weren't the best caregivers when you have a good relationship with them and you love them. This was the sentiment an ex-partner of mine had when he looked back on how his mother used to hit him. It's all there under the surface but I don't know if he'll ever open that can of worms, he certainly never did with me. I think the unsettling optimism is more likely a way that people protect themselves/their inner child. It comes off as disingenuous to all of us who are tackling our trauma head on and doing the work. Well done us and good luck to them in their journey!

Toxic positivity is honestly a trauma response in my experience. The person hasn’t done their “work” yet/effectively and likely has very big psychological walls up. They’re unable to regulate their negative feelings so they avoid those feelings with wishful thinking, blind optimism, and dismissive minimizing. Or worse, they codependently focus on trying to control how people feel around them so they never have to confront their own negative feelings. My parents were these types of people and totally the reason for my trauma. So now I find people like this triggering.

IMHO, Optimism and hopefulness can be useful for overcoming trauma and reminding myself that I’m working towards a better life, when I’m down in the dumps. But those are really only useful to me when I have my eyes realistically wide open on the problems I’m facing.

On the other hand, I have a couple friends who did not grow up in trauma and have lots of privilege. Luckily, they have developed empathy and are compassionate…never arguing with me about my experience. Sometimes it’s nice to hang with them when I want to escape my own terrible memories for a while.

Honestly I think everyone has a degree of trauma. The developing child brain is almost wired to be so easily traumatized

He was the best person I dated, but fundamentally we were different and never fell in love. I am grateful for him for learning how I should be treated and have been single ever since, because I refuse to date anyone who treats me any lesser than. But I still struggle knowing my family upbringing and their toxicity had a lot to do with our inability to truly be vulnerable and connect.

He doesn’t understand why feeling loved is such an important thing to me. Doesn’t understand triggers, lows and highs. Some of his jokes are not jokes to me but I don’t want to rain on his parade so I just suck it up.

Not dated, I been around people who exuded this energy. Ngl, it’s hard to not feel bitter and feel like they’re dripping with toxic positivity. I keep my distance because meanwhile it’s not their faults for having said privilege. It’s just not something I can relate or necessarily discuss things on a deeper level with them. These are the folks where only masking small talk comes a long way and that’s often times where that sort of relationship or friendship ends at.

Well my now ex had never been through anything traumatic and had a relatively normal life. We were together for a long time and in 2017 his friend was murdered. I’ve been through some shit but having a friend be murdered was fucking devastating. It changed both of us. Thankfully (and unfortunately) since I’ve been through traumatic stuff off and on my whole life I worked through it. I’m still not healed from it but I’m at a better place than I was.

Keep working on yourself, at some point you’ll understand the polarity between both and integrate the experiences

I don’t think I’d be able to date someone with so few important things in common. It would never occur to me.

I was just talking about this but not with dating. Everyone in my family has this weirdly optimistic and resilient mindset and they’ve all gone through the same or similar stuff from abusive men. My sisters even make fun of depression or think it’s “just negative” or stupid. I feel like they’ve gatekept the winners mindset from me while letting me be the loser. I’m confused how it ended up like this.

She was very sweet, but ultimately, it became very clear we live in a different universe. I couldn't understand hers, and she couldn't understand mine.

Happiness is like any other emotion. Healthy to have but if you stay in it too long it’s not good. My therapist said the reality is you want to shoot more for being “content”. That’s what your baseline should be. There is such a thing as toxic positivity. It makes it easy to not make yourself or others accountable for anything when it’s “all good”. Also personally people like that tend to be naive and don’t “get” the underbelly of the world that I see plainly daily if not hourly. It’s not normal to be bubbly at all times always and forever.

My partner is exceedingly normal and boring. The only trauma in his life was his grandparents passing of old age and his parents having an amicable divorce while both remained involved in his life. It’s bizarre. He was well loved and cared for, finically stable, healthy and educated. It took a long time for him to understand what it is like for us and we split for a brief period of time. He had some generalized anxiety and OCD which is irritating at best but otherwise doesn’t have significant impact on his life besides being a nervous-nelly. He’s been in therapy for a couple years now because we were fighting quite badly over his lack of understanding about how trauma effects people. We’ve come a long long LONG way and he’s quite empathetic now and his therapist is great and helped him with the tools to handle things. For someone like him it’s just hard for them to imagine even a fraction of what we went through.

When we broke up he said I hope you learn to be happy someday 🥲

Usually I avoid these ppl all together, which is sad cuz my childhood bestfriend was privileged and well looked after and over the yrs we grew distant because her life was normal and mine was an entirely different route, she got into stealing things when she had the money to buy them and I just morally find it wrong and would never associate with someone like that

I have an acquaintance at work who I believe is neurodivergent in some way. However, I do not know if she truly has CPTSD as she comes from a family of privilege with a long line of friends and a financially stable upbringing. Because of this, she may have had traumatizing events but supported by those around her. She openly recounts these with little outward signs of discomfort. She appears to have had more space to take on society's pressures when many of us were being actively traumatized within our own households. She and I talk pretty casually but whenever she shares parts of her life, she doesn't have the same type of exposure of interpersonal trauma from her family of origin. Because she appears to come from privilege and has a nuclear family, her anxieties may be more sociably acceptable.

She is a life-long performer and sorority girl who is self-conscious about how the world perceives her. She judges others pretty openly and is very aware of how she looks. I personally don't have the headspace to operate from that level of judgment as she does. Though my upbringing resulted in an element of self-criticism, it was born from attachment trauma, not from being involved in a group. I didn't have supportive parents providing life guidance or emotional support. No one planned family vacations or paid for my car, home, or college. I didn't have a group of peers to bond with over stressful group activities.

My acquaintance overthinks her life in a way that I personally never can. I think I am so dissociated and self-critical I just stay in my own little bubble. I don't care what other people do and I hate gossiping. I just can't connect with her in an authentic way because she judges not just herself but others. I cannot share my life experiences with my coworkers because they actually remember their childhoods and have very different types of trauma. Navigating a corporate life where people have had the space to have more formative experiences breeds a different type of pathology that makes you stand out like a sore thumb. People may not have CPTSD but they have had stressful life experiences that they are capable of laughing at because they come from a strong support system. Meanwhile, I'm barely holding on.

She broke it off 9 months in, as I was recovering from a mental health break (following my fathers death), she got burnt out. I'll probably never stop hating myself for the loss of her

I thought so but based on how detached he was from his own feelings I’m not so sure. He was very invalidating. I’d think someone without trauma may be more emotionally mature than that.

I honestly tend to feel like I don’t connect with them, or cannot be myself around them. Their positivity tends to also annoy me. Me and my partner both have serious trauma, but both go to individual therapy, and I love that I feel so understood with him. Like if I have a bad day, or cry, he is incredibly supportive and he is by far the most empathetic guy I’ve been with. He is also the most successful and longest relationship I’ve been in.

I tried to explain what my depression felt like and she responded by showing me an animated video of this person is light and keeps bumping into people filled with darkness and they take up all of her light and said this is how she feels. so, stopped trying to open up to her at that point.

I’m an eternal optimist and I have a lot of trauma and BPD lol. AMA I guess?? 😂

It's really hard. I tried it for 8 years and honestly, i didn't connect on a deep level because he just didn't have the depth of pain to relate to. It was refreshing to be with someone who had a healthy relationship with his family, but i couldn't relate, no matter how hard i tried. It did give me a better idea of what i wanted my future family to be like though.

Didn't last long. They couldn't relate to me or my problems, and I couldn't relate to them and their's.

If people haven't been through trauma they have a hard time understanding how it can shape a person's mind.

My boyfriend is exactly the type you described. It can be hard sometimes looking at his family and seeing how his parents love him and genuinely care for him. Also he has so much luck in his life that everyon tells him that he has to play the lottery. Sometimes it can be hard looking at that but it's better to live like that than like me and I would never wish him bad luck.

However, when someting does go wrong on a rare occasion, he can't really handle it well. He breaks down even at the tiniest thing. He doesn't cherish what he has. I (and everyone else) constantly tell him how privileged he is but he just doesn't get it. To him that is just normal. I admit, it can be frustrating at times.

That’s my marriage. I thought it would be good for me. I’m miserable and resentful.

Usually, they are kids in disguise. Adversity is what makes you grow up. No trauma is a trauma lol just a different form.

I'm dating such a guy. Well, i think he has had some uncomfortable times in his life as well, but probably nothing that would have really traumatized him. In comparison to my life, I believe his life has been privileged in many ways.

My almost whole childhood was somewhat difficult and traumatized me, and in my early 20's I experienced a very severe long term psychological trauma. Now I am 25 years old. So now I suffer from CPTSD. I was in therapy for several years and yeah it helped but all the bad and horrible experiences still don't go away and I still experience daily a ton of traumatic stress. Luckily I have a job and am somewhat able to work and I even do have a few leisure activities and friends, even though not many. So that is my situation.

My boyfriend is a really mentally steady and happy guy, he has a lot of friends, his childhood family is good and so on. Yeah I do feel a lot of jealousy and it feels very unfair to me, like why coulnd't I have those things that he got in life.

However, I am not trying to be fake positive with him, I do tell him about my positive AND negative feelings as well. And he is accepting me and is accepting also the fact that I experience a lot more negative and rough feelings than he does. I think that one should be able to express his/her own genuine feelings without putting a mask on, and the acceptance of my feelings is something which I wish especially from my life partner. So I totally get you when you say that you are sick of playing positive when you are not. I think the key is honesty. If your partner can't take it, then maybe he/she is not the right person for you?

So my nephew didn’t get a “gift” from his great grandparents before they move over seas. His dad got one. And I was like well he will get it when his dad dies at least. And they were like omg “we can’t say that it will traumatize him!” Keep in mind, it’s known my mom was murdered when I was 8….I said it would be fine and don’t make it weird. But I guess they get the option for trauma. Idk why the comment irked me. I’m like really? NO SHIT. But also pretending we all live forever isn’t realistic. Explain that’s why we have to treat our time together as special. Idk but WHATEVER bangs head into concrete wall also they just bought him a gold necklace to Also “have” something. He’s 5. Idk man… slams head again

I love ice cream.

I married someone with a normal upbringing and stable home who hasn’t experienced much adversity at all (but totally has family stuff and a few traumatic experiences of his own - I agree that no one is fully without trauma of some sort or another). I appreciate that he’s very supportive and attentive to my trauma. We’re in couples therapy - not because anything’s “wrong,” but so we can learn how to make sure to work at our relationship. I do hate that it seems like I’m the troubled one, and sometimes it’s frustrating when I feel like he’s not understanding me or what’s coming up. But he’s really focused on accepting and hearing me and trying to understand where I’m coming from and that makes all the difference.

Well maybe they have had trauma it just didn’t open their eyes. I find a lot of those optimists actually are doing that as a trauma response. Pretending everything is okay. The trauma usually isn’t sever enough for this behaviour not to be classed as delusional

He was very kind and understanding.

Not interested in very privileged people to be honest

Make their lives as difficult as I can /jk.

I deal with jealousy sometimes but I also appreciate how benevolent his love for me is. Sometimes I have to remind him of his privilege.

Don’t try to be anything else than what you are. Your past experiences inform your perspective.

Are you partners understanding when you talk about the things you struggle with?

Nope. can’t. I’m my experience They generally can’t comprehend the whole idea. I have a “friend” that supposedly has trauma and acts overly positive. he couldn’t wrap his head around my healing process. I agree that it’s not realistic to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. I think they’re faking.

Then I ask myself if, because of the positive childhood and support system, are these people really, truly just happy and positive?

Either way, I need a little more direct reality than unconditional optimism.

I’ve never dated or married one that was optimistic until after I got therapy. I realized I was trying to “win over/save my mom” both neither happened. My mom is a lifelong alcoholic who let her daughter be abused if not , she would abuse her grandchildren herself. My dad just wanted to support his kids. After going no contact and more importantly after SERIOUS therapy, I saw we were all meant to be treated like an orchid. Treat yourself as you would any other delicate child. Nobody knows where they’re going to end up do your best to end up being pulled up. Live by your best actions instead of crying over your closet ones. Now I know that all the work that I did was for me I wanted to work into a better relationship. I wanted to be able to know that I’m not crazy that I’m not stupid and I do have something to offer. I’m 43 and I’ve never been happier in my entire life. Honestly the only reason I think my husband understands me is because we grew up together and he saw what I was facing in my life. He saw that I pulled my child out of school for bullying that wasn’t being resolved. I resolved it. My daughter is at a higher level of education. than she would have if she had been kept in school. My husband is proud of me, it makes me giddy.I’m so very proud, but only because he understands me totally.

I was fascinated near the beginning of covid with how people without histories of trauma were going to handle all the time to think. I wondered what they would do when the novelty of boredom and social isolation wore off and they were stuck with people they realized they didn't like much, including themselves.

They're so sure, deep down, that bad things only happen to bad people. I really resent that they not only don't have empathy, but think badly of people who have been traumatized and don't stay quiet about it. They think nothing that bad would ever happen to them and they really don't want us making them think it's possible.

I resent the shit out of having to be careful around them so they don't get secondary trauma and also so they don't get angry about feeling uncomfortable or scared or squicked. I resent them not believing it and also thinking we deserved it. And them thinking we should just be over it.

The “why haven’t you gotten over it?” or “you have so many problems I can't deal with it” hurts. Or when I got triggered and freaked out loud tv gives me sensory overload before bed he said “you're just trying to control me.” “You always get what you want”I kept telling him I tried, I sat there for an hour and then I had an anxiety attack I tried…

Basically everyone has experienced trauma of one sort or another. Some people are simply unwilling or unable to admit it. And some people had actual support and connection so they were able to heal from it.

In my experience, being honest about suffering and struggling in general (not necessarily the details) often opens space for other people to be honest about what they've experienced (although it can also bring out the "my horrific ______ didn't impact me, what's wrong with you" denial responses).

Honestly I don’t believe anyone is trauma free. Some just are unaware or unable to accept it

It took me a lot of therapy to realize that it's really horrible of me (and you and most of us by extention) to, essentially, shame people for not having had to endure trauma. They aren't "privileged" because they didn't experience a traumatic childhood.

I saw a comedy sketch once that featured Kit Harrington, as Jon Snow, at a dinner party. Everyone is with the pleasantries and light conversation, & then they look to Jon, who mournfully describes scenes of exceptional violence, concluding with a dire “Winter is coming.” Total, awkward silence descends upon the party. And that would be me, if I talk about my life as it’s been.

People like that are scared of me and I am scared of them… for different reasons of course