First pages: share, read, and critique them here!

First Pages

Welcome to the monthly r/BetaReaders “First Pages” thread! This is the place for authors to post the first page (~250 words) of their manuscript and optionally request feedback, with the goal of giving potential beta readers a quick snapshot of the various beta requests in this sub.

Beta readers, please take a look at the below excerpts and reach out to any users whose work you’d be interested in reading. You may also provide authors with feedback on their first page if they have opted in to a first page critique.

Thread Rules

Top-level comments must be the first page, or a page-length excerpt (~250 words), of your manuscript and must use the following form:
- Manuscript information: [This field is for the title of your beta request post ([Complete/In Progress] [Word Count] [Genre] Title/Description) ]
- Link to post: [Please link to your beta request post so that potential betas may find additional information about your beta request, such as your story blurb and the type of feedback you're requesting. You may also link directly to your manuscript if you choose. However, please do not include any other information about your project in this thread; that's what your main beta request post is for.]
- First page critique? [Optional. If you would like public feedback in this thread on your first page, you may opt-in here (in which case we encourage you to publicly critique another eligible first page in this thread). Otherwise, you do not need to include this field; we understand that some users may not be comfortable with public feedback, may not want their first page formally critiqued outside of the context of their manuscript as a whole, or may not feel their manuscript is ready for a single-page line-edit critique.]
- First page: [Please include only the first ~250 words of your manuscript.]
Top-level comments that are too long (longer than 2,500 characters, all-inclusive) will be automatically removed. Please remember that this thread is only intended for the first 250-ish words of your manuscript. It's okay if your excerpt cuts off at an odd place: even a short selection is enough for most readers to determine if they're interested in your writing style (they'll message you if they want more). Shorter submissions keep this thread easily skimmable, so please, keep them short.
Multiple comments for the same project are not allowed in the same thread.
No NSFW content—keep it PG-13 and below, please. Excerpts that include explicit sexual content, excessive violence, or R-rated obscenities will be removed.
Critiques are only allowed if the author has opted in. If you requested a critique, we encourage you to publicly critique another eligible first page as a way of giving back to the community.

For your copy-and-paste, fill-in-the-blanks convenience:

Manuscript information: _____

Link to post: _____

First page critique? _____

First page: _____

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100%

1mo

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MkfShard

20d

Manuscript information: [Complete] [226k] [YA Epic Fantasy] Dragon Descent

Link to post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1dhoj1r/complete_226k_ya_epic_fantasy_dragon_descent/

First page critique? If you like!

First page:

The sky was never dark in Dormin. Sigils hung above the city, blotting out the stars with their light, looming, turning like great wheels. Each was unique, a different color and shape, bound by an outer ring that made them appear from below as vast, accusing eyes.

That night, they stared down at the streets of Dormin’s Lower Ring, where a monster lurked, and Dragonslayers hunted.

“It’ll lie,” Shel Baron said to his subordinates. “It’ll say anything to save itself.”

They walked down the center of a road cast in amber light, ostensibly an ordinary patrol of Dragonslayer trainees. A comfort to citizens, and a warning to visitors-- restricted only to this outermost Ring except with express permission-- to not cause trouble.

They wore only light armor. An unpretentious uniform of beige tunic, brown trousers, thick black boots, and a set of tassets around the waist. As a tradition, Dragonslayers tended not to wear much more.

Weighty armor, after all, hadn’t had much use against their namesakes.

“Don’t talk, don’t listen. No matter what it says. They’re good at sounding like people.”

Inhuman eyes. Staring from the darkness.

Shel paused. His head turned sharply to the left, red ponytail whipping with the motion. The mouth of an alley. On the street, the Sigil-glow was relatively soft and uniform, but in those closed spaces, the lines between light and darkness were stark.

Plenty of pitch-black places to hide.

gd2shoe

15d

A good start.

Pacing feels a little rushed. I could use a few more descriptions of the street and the houses or the stores alongside it. What attitude(s) do the trainees have? Are they nervous, bored, on edge? There's some tension here already, but it could use more.

exquisitecarrot

20d

I really love the tension that you create in this first page. The dialogue is very compelling, giving us a lot of information about the stakes ahead. I wish I had a bit more context about the dragon that I assume that they're hunting. How do they know it's there? Why were they selected to hunt it? I think the introduction to the action (I assume that's what the alleyway introduces) can wait a little longer to give us just a bit more context that would serve to prolong your tension.