18 Year Old OOP Asks For Advice On How To Tell Her Parents She's Seeing A 44 Year Old Man

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One of the saddest things I saw as a nurse was a young woman who was in her mid twenties married to a 66 year old man.

This poor girl had met him at 17 when he was in his fifties, they married, had a child together and at 66 he had a stroke. She was struggling married to a severely disabled man whilst bringing up 2 small children.

The sad thing was we could all see how creepy and manipulative he was but she obviously hadn't the life experience to see that.

Edit because I somehow put strike instead of stroke.

Damn so my friend was 17 when her ex husband started grooming her. He was in his late 30s. She thought she was more mature, more intelligent than her peers, and he used that to manipulate her. He got her go marry him and for 7 years she exp a terrible marriage. Midway thru when she got into her 20s and spent more time with friends again she realized what had happened. Luckily she got out and is now doing very well. Her ex btw is now under investigation for multiple rapes and beatings of his current girlfriend.

I just think "You have a right to be your age" is really important, for everyone, always and forever. But especially for teenagers.

I haven’t cringed so hard at a title in a while. Knew exactly what was going on from reading it. Very glad he’s out of her life.

Some people doesn't understand they are being Groomed but high five for OOP for taking reddit advice seriously

I hope the therapy is helping OOP make positive improvements in her life and her mindset honestly. And wherever that dude is, I hope he gets his comeuppance for gaslighting, lovebombing and taking advantage of an 18 year old. I gotta say, OOP is one of the lucky ones. There are some who are in her position who are not so fortunate, or choose to (or don't choose to but still) stay...

Also, if you didn't read down far enough in the post, here are links to to free PDFs of “Why Does He Do That?” and “The Gift of Fear”, worth a good read for those who think they may need it, or are interested.

I kind of laughed at OOP's post in r/Hairloss what a weirdo she was "dating"

Those spoilers couldn’t have been more spot on. Asgagasg indeed.

ETA I like these BORUs that also force us all to take a look at ourselves and how we treat people who are coming to us for help. I’m not even going to try to look up whatever nasties Redditors were throwing OOP’s way because I’m sure it will just make me furious, but it’s important to come down off our high horses and remember that we’re dealing with actual humans.

There’s definitely a lesson here about emotional intelligence vs book smarts. What an absolute creep that guy is, I was afraid he was going to show up at her house! I hope he goes to jail, but that would require him preying on another girl oof.

When I was 18 I had the worst most obvious crush on an older guy. He let me down kindly and gently and looking back was one of the most solid things someone has done for me.

Those books are incredible and SO IMPORTANT. Every single woman should read them.

Yikes yikes yikes. She might prefer older men but that guy could be her father! Grooming is just such a gross thing and I think people should be educated about it at a much younger age.

To him, she'll always be the 18 year old virgin he fucked and high five his male mates as he brags.

My best friend got groomed when she was 14, 11 years ago. She just passed away on Sunday due to the circumstances that man put her in.

My friends sister started dating a guy who was 42 when she was 16. He was on the state sex offender registry. She got pregnant and married him at 17. Her family suspected that she started seeing him when she was 15 (16 was the age of consent in my state). I think the marriage lasted about 4-5 years. It was physically abusive from both sides. He was only about 5'2 and she was 5'8"ish. She was pretty strong and broke his nose at least twice.

It was a pretty terrible situation for my friends parents and there wasn't anything they could do to help her. She threatened to go NC if they tried to meddle in her relationship, so all they could do was try to support her as best as they could and be there when it inevitably fell apart. The only thing that they were comfortable with is that she could kick his ass, so they weren't too worried about her physical well being.

What’s with the trigger warning and mood spoiler? It’s coming up with gibberish for me

When I was 27, I met someone who said they were 37. We dated, there were a few red flags but I figured they'd iron out. He and I moved from Seattle to Scotland together. Once there, I found out he was actually 47. Then all the red flags multiplied until I was shocked I got myself into such an abusive mess with someone who was incredibly controlling and manipulative. I left him.

If I had been 18, I think I'd have been completely screwed. I'd have been too young and inexperienced to get myself out.

I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 31. We started dating when I was 22. He was very concerned about it and would not have pursued me, I was aggressively pursuing him.

I was involved in a sex cult when I was 15, and had been raped and seen a lot of shit. That is quite literally the only reason we work. I couldn’t relate to people my age because i has already seen the darkness the world has to offer, and I couldn’t find pleasure in a lighthearted relationship. It was time for me to settle down, not because of my age but because I Was tired.

Meanwhile, my husband was in a state of arrested development. His mother dying when he was ten led to his father’s emotional and mental abandonment. He was physically and emotionally and mentally abused until he left home. He couldn’t relate to people his age, because his inner child was desperate to feel safe enough to express itself.

When young people ask me about age gap advice and hold my relationship up as proof of why it works, I explain all of that to them. How this is a perfect situation of two incredibly INCREDIBLY damaged people that couldn’t relate to anyone their own ages, and how the first five years of our relationship was solely focused on unfucking ourselves up.

We make a beautiful team and I love him so so so much, but we are not proof age gaps work. We are proof that damaged people looking to heal can do it together.

But 99.99% of age gap relationships are very much problematic. I’m so glad this girl got out before she committed too much.

I was in a relationship with a 5-year age gap when I was 17. Nothing my parents could do about it because they ALSO had a 5-year age gap and got married when my mom was 17 😅 They’re lucky, they’re fine. Me, I would have been divorced by now. The emotional manipulation I got from just a 5-year age gap is sometimes staggering. It’s a really vulnerable time of your life. One of the things that made me see it clearly, besides the Why Does He Do That book, was reading the novel Trust Exercise by Susan Choi (read the trigger warnings first). Seeing that kind of situation from 20 years later…. I just… flames, on the side of my face.

I had a friend who met and married a man 20 years older at 18. She never left him, but had a miserable life with a jealous man who never worked more than part-time fast food while she held two jobs supporting the family.

The dude doesn’t care. He’ll just find a new 18 year old to jet around and fuck endlessly until she breaks it off

I was 18 when a 28 year old took my virginity. It was awful. I regret it every single day. Im 27 now and I couldn’t imagine being with someone who is 18. I thought he was so cool, and exciting.

Glad she broke up with him. I was groomed by 26 yo guy when I was 14. He found me via facebook, we had mutual friend (he's my friend's church friend). I told my mom I was talking to this 26 yo guy and my mom looked so chill about it so I thought she was okay with it. When I told her I was gonna meet up with him in a mall, again, my mom looked so chill and said she was gonna buy lunch from a restaurant in mall so we went together. In the car, she asked me about this guy more like in friends way, not parent-concern-interrogation way. She'd ask "is he kind? What's he like? Come on tell me, I need all the gossip here."

My mom followed me by sort of teasing me and said she wanted to meet this guy who was interested in her daughter. I was annoyed but since I thought she was fine with us, I let her. We met him. He was shocked to see my mom. My mom changed 180. She was stern and didn't smile at him at all. She told him straight out in front of me, "Nosebear isn't allowed to date anyone for now. She has school and is focusing on that. You two can be friends, but if I hear you two together alone, or if I find any inappropriate text between you two, I will hunt you down. Friends, nothing more." I was super embarassed and was mad at my mom for a while. She didn't get mad at me once. She tried explaining to me slowly but I still couldn't understand her reasonings. Back then, it was one of those moments you feel as teenager when your parents tell you no, and no matter what you want, you have to do what they said. He left me alone after that meeting. His last text to me was "I'll wait until you're legal. When you're 18, come find me." Looking back now, I'm super grateful my mom became all mama bear on him. She protected me from a predator. Last I heard he moved church. The church found him having sex with another church member, a 15 yo girl.

always remember that it's not the kid's fault if they fall for an adult - it's the adult's fault if they let anything happen.

It's normal that young people, even kids younger than OOP, have innocent little crushes on adult figures in their lives. Its not normal that an adult reciprocates.

Those two books are the best advice and absolutely everyone should read them.

I'm so glad that OOP was able to escape what was clearly a bad situation, given her updates! She's someone who has a bright future ahead of her. Sure, Yale isn't a guarantee that she'll get a six figure salary, but it being on her resume will set her ahead of others applying for the same job. The creep likely would have gaslit her into dropping out.

Falling for an older man is exactly what any 18 year old would do. You have a right to be your age!

I like this. I feel like some times people get so hung up telling a young person they're on a path to some hurt that they don't consider how hurtful the way they word their message is. This commenter was kind in their message with respect to OOP's age and experience.

Ugh stories like this gives me heebie jeebies, I really hope the therapist can help oop after all this

This ending filled me with such relief.

I've been there. Except I was 17 and thankfully never got this far with the 45 year old man who pursued me before ending it. At that point, you're truly eager to think of yourself as mature and more insightful but now I cringe thinking back. I'm also disturbed when I remember the multitude of men in their 40s-60s who felt comfortable chasing me at that age.

I'm in my twenties now and I feel gross even looking at a 19 year old.

The older i get, the more i realise that age differences that big, when one party is barely out of their teens are inherently predatory.

I see anyone under 25 as children. I wouldn't even want to be friends with anyone under 25, let alone date them.

Older people date much younger people because these youngsters can't see the walking red flags.

My younger sister (18 at the time) was engaged to a 40 year old man for while. She was her best friends uncle, we literally referred to him as “Uncle Jimmy” before they became a couple 😬😬😬 Anyhoo, he moved her four hours away to our nearest city and he commuted back and forth to work so she was was stuck down there with no car and no friends and a super old barely there partner. He put her on antidepressants because she was sad all the time (wonder why) but she finally left him when she found an old crack pipe in one of his trinket boxes. Thank baby Jesus for that crack pipe!

I’m slightly nervous - a post after this mentions her current partner being someone her parents wouldn’t approve of. Hopefully she got out for good and is safe.

44 yr old sexual predator. Yikes.

I'm glad the the comments warned her. I see too often that people will accept age gaps if they're "legal". An age gap has the ability to be healthy, but they usually aren't. After around 25, feel free to date an 80 year old. But at a young age, the lack of life and relationship experience makes it difficult to date in general, let alone with someone much more mature and possibly ill-intentioned.

I’m 18 and I’ve been dating a 44 year old man for the past two months. He was my first kiss and took my virginity.

Sigh.. Just.. Just fucking sigh. God damnit.

I'm very active in a subculture that has a lot of age gap relationships. Some people specifically want the age gap, others just want someone within the subculture and the list is small, so they settle for someone 10+ years their senior

It's happened to my friends, it's happened to me, and it happens to people new to the community. Because it's so common, I don't even think about it being strange until someone points it out. I dated a 35 year old at 20 and it just wasn't a big deal to me.

Sometimes it's that I feel mature for my age. I mightve been, but I wasn't that mature and they knew it. Now, it feels closer to them being immature for their age. They might have a house and a car and an established career, but you still feel that immaturity in the relationship.

It's always useful to ask "why aren't they dating someone closer to their age?" And usually the answer is that people their age can see the immaturity and they know better than to get involved with it.

i gotta know where a 44yo meets an 18yo, especially enough to interact with her enough to form a romantic relationship

There are so many of us who dated older men at this age. I did. It wasn’t until I reached the ages of those men that I realized how fucked up it was.

I’m glad OOP is in therapy and broke up with him!

I remember a few kids I went to high school with who spent all 4 years obsessing over their grades and extracurriculars with the goal being to get into an Ivy. All of them did. I know of a couple who rebelled pretty hard the summer before they started and one who dropped out after a year. I have a feeling OP’s relationship is her way of cutting loose after an intense high school experience (just my personal guess). The one thing I’m really bothered by is her being taken advantage by a man 26 years her senior.

I was 22 when I was pursued by a 49 year old who was also my prof. Can you call it grooming when I was already that age? He has left me with so much trauma from taking advantage of me when I was at my lowest. I'm so grateful this girl got out of that relationship. It makes me wish I had come to reddit for advice at the time I was being emotionally abused.

Atleast she isn't dating a pedophile anymore

I'm 35 and 18 year olds seem like actual children to me. Even some 25 year olds. What the fuck.

I'm disappointed in every person that was nasty to OOP in the original thread. She is so young and most assuredly was being taken advantage of during a stressful time in her life by a predator. I am glad that she was able to get out of the relationship and go back to therapy and I hope school is going wonderful for her.

I remember who I was at 18, and even now at 30 you couldn't convince me to take advantage of someone so young like that. "She's an adult-" ffs she's been a legal adult for less than a year! She hasn't moved out or been to college yet! That's still a child. Anyone who has to use legality to defend their relationship is sus at best.

It’s like creeps sense insecurity and innocence. When I was 18, my mom was 44. I would be grossed out if a 44 year old man tried to date me. I’m 20 and I can’t even imagine dating someone older than 23.

Parents raised her well academically (Yale) and simultaneously failed so fucking hard (18yr/o dating her dad's older brother)

A had a very good driend who at 14 lost her virginity to a foreign late 30s man she met on the internet who flew in to meet her. This was in the 90s! And her parents knew about it and were okay with it from what I understand!

They actually dated for I think 10 years or so, with her moving to his country at some point. I caught up with her once after a long while and even though they had broken up by this time, she was still adamant that I was wrong about their relationship, and she was mature enough and intelligent enough for him.

I'll truly never understand that. It literally tore our friendship apart as kids.

I dated someone 10 years older than me once, but I'm a leabian so it's a little different and I really pursued her. I don't think all age gap relationships are bad but the young person needs to be old enough to have emotional maturity and a developed brain so they aren't taken advantage of.

Just the fact that a 44 year old was ok with. and let’s be honest, probably enthusiastic about taking a teenagers virginity just makes me have a full body cringe and just disgusts me. That poor kid. I’m glad they listened to advice and cut ties. In those situations if you feel that strongly the need to hide the truth then that’s never a good sign. Thank the gods she didn’t get pregnant.

Those books linked at the end are invaluable

Sounds like OP had more problems to be addressed in therapy

If you date someone with an age and/or experience gap, it has to be about their desires.

Whoever said that to OP was right.

This is just true of relationships in general, but moreso when it comes to big gaps.

That made me queasy.

This breaks my heart, poor kid. The psychologist is right. We pay a heavy price for wisdom earned through suffering. What we get in return is the power to lead others away from paying that price, too.

He was my first kiss and took my virginity.

🤢

I’m the older in an age gap relationship (not as extreme as this one). We were friends through mutuals who averaged the age between us and realized we had way too much in common from hobbies to humor and everything in between.

Although I was attracted to her I didn’t want to be that guy. We both just stayed friends for about 6 months but eventually I couldn’t deny the chemistry, along with her advances, and decided to go on a date. It was unexpectedly the best date of my life. Now we’re 6 months in and I’ve never been happier. But I didn’t want the power dynamics that come with most age gap relationships so I made it clear that I don’t want to influence her at all. Go out with your friends, do whatever the hell you want, make mistakes. I have no holds over her and if she wanted to brake it off she could without losing anything. She also has many close family and friends and I made sure to meet them so they could assess me, and I introduced her to mine so that she could truly know what kind of person I was and that my intent isn’t to take advantage of her youth. Also currently getting therapy to iron out any trauma I may have picked up along the road of my life.

No one seems to have a problem with us IRL. But when I see stories like this I get the anxiety that people will think I’m a creep only dating her because she younger. But if I broke it off because of that, I would truly regret it for the rest of my life.

I've always wondered what a Venn Diagram of people saying an 18 year old is too immature to date a 40 year old compared to people wanting to lower the voting age to 16 would look like.

She took this really well!

The first sentence was whiplash of concern, wonder how this will go

Edit: Oh thank god she didn’t get pregnant

I just want to know how I’m the heck did they meet? What situation was an 18 year old hanging out with a 44 year old man to start a romantic relationship.