unattractive autistic women whats your experience like ?

I get treated pretty weirdly by people I don't know with the combination of being chubby and autistic. It's very difficult to talk to people my age since I think I scare them away.

On a positive note, I don't get any men harassing me which is nice

My more attractive autistic friend says she hates going out in public sometimes because of the way men stare at her. I've never related to this - the main difference between her and me is that if I notice a lot of people looking at me it means there's something wrong with my appearance, e.g I've got food on my face or dirt on my clothes or I'm wearing something that doesn't match the dress code

I found that when I was skinnier my autism was seen as being quirky but when bigger it is seen as weirdness at best but most of the time it was seen as bad behaviour and mental illness.

I try not to be too harsh on myself looks-wise-- neutral is better-- but I am not conventionally attractive at all. I'm very quirky and unique looking, and I hope a little bit cute, but far, far from considered a beauty.

All my life, I have received absolutely no attention from men. I'm genuinely okay with this, because I am a lesbian, but I've often been puzzled by it to be honest. I hear story after story about being preyed on by men and stalked and catcalled and asked out, and this has never happened to me. I suppose I just come off as really not attractive to guys, because I'm not cute enough to them and I'm not trying to please them in my outfit/hair/lack of makeup?

Funny anecdote-- when I was quite a bit younger and didn't know I was just gay, I was on dating apps and had my preferences set to men and women. All my straight female friends talked about the endless stream of likes they got on apps from all sorts of men...and I was super discouraged at the time because I was getting hardly any, which seemed unheard of. I guess my pretty autistic dating profile was probably not helping, but at a glance and a swipe, I was coming off as really undateable to dudes. BUT!!!! I was getting hit on a LOT by women out in public at the time, and I was getting matches with other women. Whatever was giving guys the ick about me didn't transfer over to women, at least at a cursory glance.

I'm not sure what to say about this. I don't want to make a generalization, but I've wondered if women are more interested in unique people, unconventional looks, whatnot, or if I just came off as THAT gay and awkward and I wasn't even aware of it.

I am ugly. Fat. Brown. A bad combo. The thing is you would get not only ignored. Being ignored would be a good thing. People get defensive because unsolicited attention (I want to know the price of this. You work here, I am not trying to seduce you). Men would ignore you but also behave like you offend them for existing, or worst, predators and assholes would believe you are an easy target, that you would feel grateful with their attention. Nope. Your au traits, your OCD is a bother, there is no place for understanding you. Thats why I decided to smile even when the worst come. People feel so weird when you tell them to fuck off with a big smile.

Men tend to leave me alone which is great since I'm not interested in them anyway.

One thing I noticed when going places with attractive friends - everyone wants to talk to them and give them compliments! Whereas I feel invisible when I go places on my own, & I'm 6ft tall so it's quite impressive how fully others will commit to ignoring me even if I need something, or when someone else is obviously in the way and it's like they can't even hear me.

I'm someone who tries hard with my appearance and staying in shape, I'm just generically cursed with certain features that I can't really change.

People either pretend they don't see me, or bully me, depending on the situation.

I wouldn't say I'm that ugly, but obviously I'm not physically appealing at all, because a man has never fallen in love with me, or made romantic gestures, or tried hard for me, as opposed to the times I've tried hard for them. Men only pursue me for easy sex or if they want someone to manipulate and abuse, but after the 25th time I screwed myself over because I was too naïve and desperate, I stopped getting involved with guys. I was supposed to get married to my last boyfriend but he was hiding an emotional affair with his long-term crush and I couldn't handle it emotionally and ended up leaving.

I've always been desperate for friends and love. I don't think this would have been the case if I were pretty. My ADHD best friend is pretty and she never had to ask for attention. She just exists and people are interested.

I was pretty awkward looking up till my mid 20s. Suddenly started exploring my passion for style and found what flattered me the most - clothes, hairstyle, makeup. I changed my entire look.

The only big difference was more male attention. They now ignored my obvious “strangeness” but only because they wanted to sleep with me. Whole new series of problems.

I am invisible yet too visible. I am a fat darkskinned black woman with more masculine traits due to PCOS, and I understand how we're perceived in this world. My family made it abundantly clear to me growing up that I was less than for my looks. As I got older, it seemed as if what they told me were to be true.

Strangers have been rude to me while just walking in public and even while trying to make friends, I feel it has been significantly difficult as compared to my allistic plus size friends or my autistic skinny friends. I feel that I am not given as much grace as those deemed more attractive by society, and I understand that the halo effect alone supports my observations.

Looks aside, I am often deemed rude because I can't pick up on subtleties in communication/social cues and I often can't stay at events or do activities for too long before getting very agitated and/or having a meltdown. I have had a difficult time molding into society, and even when I think I understand how to, another challenge arises.

Despite all of this, there are still people in my life who deeply care about me. So while I may often feel rejected by the broader society, I am so very grateful for the few people I have in this life who show me such love, compassion, and care.

I was never hit on because of my looks. I was always the weird “ugly” girl.

I grew up unattractive and learned to mask, groom myself and makeup stuff because I wanted to find a partner. Men's attitude changed dramatically. And I meand dramatically! They went from not seeing me as a woman at all to getting stalkish attitudes, it was creepy and unwanted. Even once I met my husband and was in public with him, men tried to approach me. I made a decision to stop masking, makeup and clothes including, this year and the only reason men look at me is because I've just done something weird in public. The best part is that my husband loves me just the same (we suspect he's autistic too!).

I’m fat , ugly, and autistic. Mostly it’s men hating me for existing and being rude because I happen to exist in spaces they are in. It’s also being underestimated by everyone, but at the same time expected to be able to do everything my neurotypical peers can do, being called lazy and irresponsible when I need extra resources, and at worst bullied as an adult by family members and being told my existence is a burden on my aging parents and I should really look into how I plan to exist when they die because they won’t be responsible for me after they pass.

I just got used more once I became "attractive".

I was the "weird kid", got asked out as a joke, people were terrified I might be into them. I was an easy target.

I've never been in a relationship because no one has been interested in me.

I have been told I have weird and offputting vibes.

1/2)

In my experience, and I have been all kinds of weights, looks, etc through the years, I think most people don’t really understand what “attractive” actually means.

We have a habit of thinking of attractiveness as only a few physical attributes, that seems to be in vogue. And that is part of it, but not the full picture.

Attractiveness is a social currency. And being attracted to people is not based only on a few physical attributes, but on anything from your own tastes, hormones, attachement patterns, childhood, psychology, social identity, the zeitgeist and lots of other stuff.

Yes, many people ascribe - conciously or not - value to certain physical attributes, but those are not universal across space, time, and even social group. Which tells us, it is actually based in social currency, not in the physical aspects it self.

This means, that being conventionally attractive sends out a social signal, that this person encompass the qualities, we associate with being conventionally anything. We subconsciosly expect some traits and personality type we associate with conventionally fitting in. And the biggest one, is not that they are looking good - but they look succesful. They look like, they fit in. And this is also the reason why, autistic people signalling conventionallity through looks and perhaps other things, get in trouble when people realise, they are not like that. People feel scammed and can get extremely angry. They don’t feel robbed of the beauty - that is still there. But the beauty loses all meaning, because they feel robbed of what the beauty is there to present.

Because attractiveness is a social code more than a physical trait, it is possible to attain some level of attractiveness, even if you are not conventionally beautiful. But it might get harder, the less you look the part physically. It can be attained through style, personal manners, interests and hobbies, career choice etc etc. Autistic people adhering to conventionallity might stem from genuine interest, or from masking or a mix, but what makes it difficult in the end, is that we personalitywise is not trained very well in a natural conventional way of relating. And that is, what makes people feel scammed from interacting with someone presenting conventional, and then being different on the personality level. This can get dangerous, since not all autistic people are able to navigate this from the NT persons experience, and doesn’t even understand why the other might feel scammed, since we didn’t set out to do so.

This holds true for other kinds of styles and presentations, that is not conventional. A very alternative style will send out its own set of social cues, and attract whoever fancies that. Not just because of the look itself, but the idea, that with that presentation, comes a whole package of attributes. We see it, when autistic women falls into the manic pixie girl trap - that people associate something with our presentation, and that we often are not able to “deliver”, simply because many autistic people don’t practice “presentation” with the same understanding as most.

I've been on both sides of this. I'm pretty unremarkable looking in the face but the attention I get both positive and negative seems to fluctuate with my weight. I get far more attention when I am smaller and I don't like it. Right now though I should really lose weight for health reasons but I feel really a lot more comfortable personally when I am bigger; I get ignored and left alone more. I am trying to keep putting on muscle so when I do shed some fat I can still come across as a big baddie.

So I was ugly ugly before now I'm a hit or miss lol if I wanna look attractive I can but I can also be just as ugly and the difference is peoples treatment makes me greatly upset.

At work especially. My boss has always commented how I dress look etc and I truly believe its the only reason I got the job because how you look makes people view the autism very differently.

If you're attractive it's quirky and endearing, and when you're ugly you're weird and annoying.

I can not mask and be looking nice and no one bats an eye at my behaviour but when I'm not as put together I will genuinely get pulled into the office for the exact same thing...

It's not just work though people in general, if I look attractive that day I get doors held, people (unfortunately often men) are alot nicer to me, I get free stuff. Drinks my the waiter, free bus rides at one point lol but yeah how you look and dress makes a very big sad difference in my experience.

Hell

Never had a glow up

I think if I had been good looking and had the same level of autism I would’ve been fine but I’m not and it’s just been hell 

For much of my adult life I have been very plain, not ugly but not pretty either. And during those times people on the street mostly don’t realize you exist. I noticed this because for a few years of my adult life I lost some weight and those are the only times I got harassed by random men and free stuff from other random men

I went from attractive to not quite hideous but very conventionally unattractive/ugly. I don't view myself that way but I'm aware how little society values fat disabled queer looking folk.

I am more "invisble" now. People don't want to look at or interact with me.

People are less nice to me. If I wear make up and have a good skin day, I'm dressed "well" people treat me a little better but it's not nearly as good as folks used to treat me when I was conventionally attractive.

It kinda sucks honestly how much society values one kinda body shapes a lot of interactions I have. I'm not well so I don't leave my house often and part of it is...I just don't want to deal with stranger interactions. Not just bc the autism makes it awkward but their value of thin/able bodied/cishet looking on top of neuroconforming...just makes interactions feel doomed.

Shit. It is shit. I’m a hermit now.lol I’ve got the kind of ugly that weight loss and styling doesn’t really fix. I’m still ugly when I’m thin and putting in tons of effort into my appearance.

Oddly, I guess, I’ve always been treated better by men than women. I feel like NT women clock me as weird/bad upon first glance because I don’t (and apparently can’t) mask effectively at all, but NT men seem to care less. I’m just a weird woman to NT men, whereas to NT women, I’m like a traitor of some kind because I can’t force the facade of “properly socialized woman” well enough, like it’s a conscious choice instead of something I’ve spent my life trying to change. That’s how it feels anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still dealt with bad men. To get any attention from men, I’ve had to drop any standards I’ve had and I’ve had to “beg”, which opened me up to being abused by them. The kind of male attention you have to beg for is never good attention, because to keep it, you have to be okay with the social contract that deems unkind behaviour to be what you deserve.

It’s much easier to make online friends vs irl friends

I’m fat and autistic, as a 25 year old I still get my photo taken by strangers so they can do god knows what with it. It doesn’t help my fiancé is very conventionally attractive so that brings very incredulous looks and comments from strangers

I’m either treated

1. Like I’m the scum of the earth. My mere presence seems to irritate and disgust the general public (mostly men and attractive neurotypical women)

2. I simply do not exist. Oh you held the door open for the pretty girls just in front of me and let the door slam in my face? Sorry, my fault, forgot I have a wavering relationship with reality. Sometimes I exist (eyesore) sometimes I don’t (ghost mode)

I just feel I have no redeeming qualities 🤷‍♀️

This question can have such nuanced answers. What’s considered attractive to some people won’t be attractive to other people. And it’s really fucked up that many people in this thread (myself included) quantify whether they’re attractive or not by the amount of abuse they experience from men.

I genuinely have no clue if I’m attractive or not. My (covert narcissistic) mother always spat it in my face that “you’re PRETTY so what do YOU have to complain about?” But that didn’t translate to my lived social experiences. I watched my other friends get hit on repeatedly out of the blue. I watched guys strike up conversations with them and invite them to places, events, etc. I had one guy literally talk OVER MY HEAD to speak to my friend standing on the other side of me.

The only time I’ve ever had trouble with men was when I was 13-15yo. I had round cheeks and pigtail braids, which was like catnip for 50-70yo men.

I’ve never been catcalled (thank GOD because that would send my anxiety through the roof). Never been asked out. Never had anyone chat me up. I also tend to avoid “hunting ground” situations, i.e. bars, clubs, etc.

I’m largely ignored, which is painful on some level, but ultimately, I’m grateful to dodge the abuse and the drama. Of course there’s a catch-22 because you become aware that something is different about you. Your peers get these milestones, these experiences that are deemed “common”, and you don’t. So it feels like you’re in this state of…like…limbo. Waiting for those milestones to appear, waiting for the validation that you’re desirable because someone flirted with you and found you attractive. But it never comes.

I don’t really care anymore what the reason is behind my lack of experience - be more confident, be more outgoing, wear more makeup, experiment with your style. Whatever. It sounds like I have to relentlessly and rabidly change myself in order for someone to be attracted to me, and then it feels like a charade at that point.

I think it just adds another layer of feeling like I’m not quite part of this world - like a ghost in the system. Other women my age have multiple men admitting their crushes on them, or several men proposing to them, or they make it sound like a struggle to be single for a WHOLE YEAR (and that’s the LONGEST they’ve EVER been single!!!). They receive flowers from men they’re not even dating for V-Day, or they always have a guy willing to drop everything to help them.

And all of it is completely foreign to me.

It marks you as different. Your peers have more in common with each other, while you have nothing in common with them. So you start to get excluded because you can’t relate to them, and they can’t relate to you. They can’t imagine what it’s like to be ignored/overlooked when they have so much attention.

I have PCOS and hirsutism and sometimes I don't shave my face so men will stop looking at me.

I mean, I’m fat too, so it’s like a triple threat lmao

As an adult, I’m basically invisible, but when I was young, it’s like bullies had a radar for me. I’ve never been catcalled. Not since I turned 18 anyway. 🤢

People called me ugly all the time growing up, before I was diagnosed with autism. I had strangers straight-up insult me, back when I was just 9 years old. I also thought me being ugly was the reason people didn't like me, bullied me, and called me weird (obv. I didn't know it was because of the autism).

I decided to lose weight (I ended up losing more than 100lbs in my 20s) and started to take more care of myself when it comes to make-up, clothes and all that stuff (things I never really cared for as a depressed teen).

People treat me a lot better... (At least upon initially meeting me. Once they realise my behaviour is 'off', this changes drastically). I can't help but feel bitter about this.

I've had mixed feedback about my conventional attractiveness but given my lack of "me too" stories I'm assuming I'm probably ugly to at least that kind of dude.

Like the lack of dudes hitting on me is nice but also the quality of the dudes that do hit on me is kind of insulting (gross old men probably hit on everyone). But if s nice cute dude hit on me I'd probably think he was just being nice so there's that.

I've felt degendered a number of times to the point where I started to think I might be trans but I've worked through that and come to realize it's a reactive feeling based on how I've been treated by others.

I tend to either get ignored by other women or mother henned. I have a history of being treated as "strangely masculine" and now that I've leaned into being feminine (been feeling it) it's like they (aggressively normal cis women) blue screen. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a weird cis drag but I've reached the point where I can dig it instead of feeling dysphoric about it.

I think I've finally aged out of the attempt at making me over.

I've never considered myself to be completely unattractive but I don't meet today's beauty standards, and as such I was bullied relentlessly as a child about my looks. Even more so when I got to high school. The experience has caused me to have a very low opinion of myself, so I don't take care of myself anymore. I mean, I do enough to be presentable but I don't go out of my way to dress in a way that would be viewed as attractive, and I don't wear makeup to make myself look "pretty" either (truth be told, I can't stand the feel of the stuff).

I don't get noticed at all (which is nice tbh.) It was different when I would go out with attractive friends, and people would just approach them. Ask about their tattoos, hair, or just making "normal" small talk. It would make me so uncomfortable...and for some reason a lot of allistic people would immediately assume I am a bitch. I was bullied a lot throughout my school years and even into adulthood, so I don't drop my defenses.

I guess I give off big weirdo bitch vibes...but I promise that's just my resting face. I still get teased about how mean I look or how sad my face looks while resting.

Edited to add: I've never been the gf to get shown off. I'm always "hidden" or just end up as everyone's friend. It has left me pretty turned off from dating, especially because I can never tell when a guy is "bad." Leaves me pretty vulnerable to extremely abusive situations.

Only good things come from it, really. Men never hit on me or stare at me.

I am either invisible or spewed insults at. I am never complimented (only my parents ever called me pretty). I am never given the time of day. I am never smiled at. What hurts me more is that this happened even as a kid. When beauty is supposed to matter less. As an adult, it still hurts but ive secluded myself to the point I dont interact with it much anymore. Genuinely, this is why I am very careful with who I tell my experience about because most people have it easier

The benefit is that I'm invisible to those who would otherwise harass me. The drawback is that I'm easily ignored when I'm not doing something goofy. As a result, I have to work much harder than my peers in order for my accomplishments to be acknowledged.

I was bullied for literally everything. My name, my autism, lack of friends, etc. Then in high school I was mostly ignored unless I did something wrong. It was only until senior year when I got my braces off, stopped wearing glasses that much, more curves, and got extensions that I was treated differently. Now people see my beauty first before my autism. But I mostly get ignored unless someone finds me attractive. People who catcall me then immediately retract (mostly because they figure out my autism). Which is similar to my friendships disappearing over time.

I will say that the only time I was ever approached by men being forward was when i was skinny (which was only a period of about 2ish 3 years bc I have always been kinda thick). But it always gave me the creeps or made me really angry. And it was not what I imagine flirting would be it was very direct and crude. The rest of my life I have never been aware of anyone hitting on me or flirting. For that matter I feel like most men don't consider me a person or just tolerate me rather than being nice to me. Never had anyone just come up and make conversation with me at any social thing ever. Never have been picked for anything. Not usually the first person people think to include in things. Elementary school, i dont quite remember, but middle school I was called awful names and boys threw rocks at me and hit me, and girls picked fights and told me I looked like a fat boy. High school was not as bad, but I did not exist to the opposite gender at all, or anyone for that matter. I have some good friends now, and my boyfriend must like the way I look otherwise we wouldn't have started dating, and now my outrageous personality, or my mask of one is what people like most about me.

Now that I’m a little older, it’s kinda nice not being attractive. I get no creepy male attention and I know people are interested in me for my personality rather than my looks

When I was younger, I was very insecure about it though, especially hearing all of my attractive friends talk about the male attention they got and their lovers. I also was the girl who was always asked out as a joke, so that didn’t help at all either

I grew up “ugly” and am now attractive. I will say this: I used to think that people ignored me and shunned me and were uncomfortable around me because of my looks. Now I realize it’s not the case. It’s the way I carry myself.

I was chubby and had major acne for most of my life growing up. Guys had no interest in me, I was bullied severely, put on lists for being one of the ugliest girl in school, all my friends had boyfriends so I was always the third wheel and most neurotypical girls didn’t want to be my friend since I wasn’t considered cool. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 21 and he actually made fun of how I looked when we broke up. I had a glow up within the last 2 years and have gotten a lot of attention from men, but I still have trouble believing they are being genuine towards me due to the trauma I experienced growing up.

I’m basically invisible. Even when I had bright pink hair no one would look at me

I used to be reasonably conventionally attractive (when I was young and thin and wore make up and dresses and before my hair went grey). I would get superficial attention - cat callers in the street, people occasionally trying to buy me a drink- but no one ever liked me once they spent any time with me. I was always so confused because I thought I was doing everything right, but it turns out my personality outed me as a weirdo very quickly. I was an ugly teenager so I was always really confused about why growing my hair out and wearing less comfortable clothes suddenly made me attractive, and I felt very insecure about it.

Now I’m fatter, cut off all my hair and mostly wear baggy clothes, so male attention is non-existent, and honestly I like it more this way. I know where I stand, and I know that anyone who likes me is genuinely interested in me as a person, not just the front I present to the world.

I grew up pretty unattractive, or at least was in my formative teen years. I didn’t really have a body or feminine features, so guys wouldn’t bother me usually. I had short pixie hair at a point and they’d just call me slurs, not sexually harass me like they did to my attractive and mature friends. I was lucky in retrospect, but at the time I felt insecure and left out. However I was included with the boys, I had a closer connection to many guy friends since they didn’t find me attractive and I was more masculine looking than my peers. I played a lot of flag football and soccer with guys back then, and I miss being included as “one of the boys.” My first scary experience was older men trying to pay me and my friends to have sex with them in the city, but my friends and I ran off. I never knew that kind of attention was bad until much later. I didn’t have any sexual experiences at all until age 17 when I’d grown my hair a bit longer. Sadly, my first partner SA’ed me and I broke it off soon after because I realized what happened almost immediately. Thank god for the internet and social media because my parents nor school did not teach me these things. I honestly think the weirdest thing though is when I had a “glow-up” during COVID and then attended college where I found out that men are actually attracted to me where they would seek me out. It was astounding to me because I never thought of myself in that way, as a sexual thing. I started birth control hormones that year and by the end of my freshman year, I had become much curvier and bustier than ever. I looked like a woman for the first time and it was so odd. I’m not complaining as I quite like it, but I guess I never felt feminine, or see myself as a woman as society does. Now I’m a beauty standard, an hourglass blonde bombshell where I cannot go to a bar without being approached. It’s all weird to me, honestly, and it’s confusing because when a guy comes up to me at a bar, I don’t really take it as flirting, especially if he asks me personal questions, like my field of study. It takes me aback when they get closer thinking you want to touch them, because I just want a friend to talk to. I despise it in many ways since I am tricked into thinking one wants to know me for a genuine purpose. I miss being friends with guys when they wouldn’t want anything else from you, and I miss being seen as more than my body. But I love being admired and paid attention to, I love pissing off the popular girls who bullied me mercilessly for not having an ass, not having boobs, not having full lips, because I have all of those now and I know how to use them. It’s vindictive, in a way, my transformation, but it’s given me a confidence to rise above much of my past trauma.

I honestly prefer to be ugly and autistic and not attractive and autistic because everytime I go outside there's always a strange men staring me and I feel so uncomfortable. If I wasn't pretty that would never happen to me and literally no one wouldn't care anything about me.

Men tend to ignore me or be aggressive to me. Some become strangely fixated on me, like there is this weirdo at work who keeps provoking me for a reaction and harassing me. In the past older men saw me as an easy target because I was isolated and visibly “different.”

I’ve noticed that even when a man likes me, he still chooses to date someone else, someone more normal. So most of my relationships with men have been short and casual. It really messed with my head when I was younger, like I couldn’t understand what was so wrong with me that men would sleep with me and spend time with me but never publicly date me.

Also, because I’m fat, people can be really fucking weird and rude with me for no reason. Like a few months ago I was on the train, and some woman asked me if I was a heavy-weight wrestler or athlete because my body looked “strong” lmao. Another lady kept telling to lose weight “or I’ll never find a husband.”

A lot of people treat lack of beauty as some moral failing. But I’ve come to terms with my unbeauty. I think I look exactly like I’m supposed to.

Honestly I have no clue how to tell how attractive I am. I don’t have a good grasp on how I’m perceived.

Thankfully I avoid harassment from men. I’ve also ended up being most comfortable dressing butch and I feel like that works better with my look. I’m a lesbian and my wife loves me for who I am and always insists I’m beautiful. I can’t imagine getting the same type of love and adoration from (most) men, partially because of how I look and my autism.

Most of my life I was bullied mercilessly for being unattractive and weird. Men and boys would constantly tell me they wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole and that I should just die I'm so ugly. Others would say they’d only fuck me with a paperbag over my head.

My family certainly didn’t help by constantly comparing me to my tall, blonde, busty, blue eyed sister who modelled. I was always the bland and boring one. They fawned over my sister but never once paid me any notice. So that didn’t exactly help my self esteem.

As an adult, things were a little better, but I was never really called attractive. A lot of times I felt like guys were only really attracted to me because they felt I would be desperate for sex 🙄.

Anyhow, I met my husband who is gorgeous! He thinks I’m crazy good looking and tells me how beautiful I am all the time. My kids think I’m pretty. On the rare occasion when I wear makeup, my kids don’t like it and say I’m prettier without it 🤷🏻‍♀️. The one thing I do hate when out with my husband, are the backhanded comments... "he’s so hot, why is he with her". Or "that's his wife?!" in the most snotty voice ever. My husband has stopped associating with some of his friends because he got really upset over their disparaging comments about me.

I thought I was unattractive but it turns out I've been a butch lesbian this whole time, and once I cut all my hair off and started wearing what makes ME feel good, not what society says women should wear, I became attractive to the kind of people I want to date (women)

This is a hard question because a lot of average and attractive women think they're unnattractive. I'm genderqueer so I'm not going to say my personal experience.

Reading all of your anecdotes is really interesting.

Here’s mine: I’m in my mid forties and I’m starting to lose my attractiveness a bit, but for a good portion of my life I have been conventionally attractive (I think?). I went thru 2 pregnancies however, so I did experience what it was like to be larger and maybe not as appealing to most people (I gained a lot of weight).

I actually didn’t even realize that I was attractive in my youth until I went to college because I was always the weird girl in my small town and was bullied quite a lot. Also, no one I ever had a crush on liked me back. College changed that and I started to get attention from men and was quite well liked by women too. I think it was mostly my attitude that is responsible for that change tho. All that bullying that happened to me when I was younger sorta broke me and nothing fazed me too much anymore. I sorta had the ol’ “I don’t give a f$@k” attitude and I think people were more drawn to that.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been taken advantage of by jerky men and women, but I think that this is mainly due to my naïveté. Both genders will lie to you if they perceive that you have something that they want and will treat you accordingly to get it. I’ve just learned to trust new people very slowly.

I noticed that even tho my attractiveness has ebbed and flowed, if you are not too self conscious, take care of your hygiene and appearance decently, and treat other people well- those are the things that people are drawn to. People really remember how you make them feel when they are around you. I mean, old sweet grandmother types are def not attractive and a lot of people still like them, right?

I had a lot of warts as a young kid, around 6 or 7, I got teased and called a witch a lot. And puberty was not kind to me haha. I was the kid middle school boys would try and ask out as a joke. (Jokes on them I’m a lesbian) I never really grasped that they were making fun of me at the time. My answer was always “no? I don’t even know you?”

Truth be told I’m not sure if I really was all that ugly. Sure I had some unfortunate haircuts and odd choices in glasses, but honestly? I think a lot of us, especially those that went undiagnosed, knew that somehow, we were fundamentally different from other girls our age, but didn’t fully know why. We knew that they dressed in nicer brands, had their moms old jewelry, were allowed to wear makeup, or whatever else they had, and I think the otherness we felt, at least in my case, warped into this sense that I don’t fit in with other girls because I’m ugly.

Though I think having a very pretty (and very neurotypical haha) sister, kinda helped me see just how much work girls put into their appearance. Makeup is a skill y’all!! She takes hours to get all dolled up and I respect the grind.

Swan here eyeroll. I was a fat ugly kid that was tormented for being overweight in an ableist, anti-fat and body shaming community with predatorial adults that made my childhood confusing, terrorizing and enraging all rolled into one. I grew up, put myself in western boxing, muay thai and bjj and became as dangerous and beautiful as this new community would allow. People around are cruel when jealous. I have since calmed down a bit, but fiercely advocate for vulnerable people in my new (I literally left my country of origin to start a new life), community. I can't express how much the way I was treated affected me. I internalized EVERYTHING. I struggle with identity, balance, stability, I am frequently triggered and can b3come homicidal/suicidal in seconds. I have to have a lot of stoppers in place to keep others and myself safer. I try to maintain health in all aspects and my life consists of self-care, happiness seeking and caregiving. By happiness seeking I mean thinking about Solutions and going to any lengths to make changes to make those Solutions possible, some people call it toxic positivity but they can take a hike. When you come from social deficits like I do, you need all the positivity you can get.

I don't know if I'm unattractive. I'm certainly not a beauty by conventional standards. Some days I love what I see in the mirror. Other days I... really don't. What I do know for a fact is that if not for my sensory issues, I could have cleaned up real nice with well put together outfits and accessories. Because I'm super into fashion. But alas, we'll never know. It has been my lot in life to keep buying cute clothes in the hopes of magically being able to wear them but ultimately living out my days in ratty tatty rags.

People are sometimes intimidated by me but I guess that is only because I come off a bit blunt and don't mince words. Some folks have told me they find my personality attractive.. and i know them well enough to understand that it wasn't a backhanded compliment.

I appreciate that I don’t get a lot of dudes bothering me. Which it seems a lot of us do haha!

But on the otherhand, I feel invisible. I don’t mind being unattractive. I am not into make up or skincare really. I have been trying to do a smidge just for health sake (like wearing sunscreen). I do like fashion, but I dress very strangely compared to my peers. I love edwardian clothes, 30s, 40s, 50s clothes. But everyone just walks around in sweatpants all the time. I would do that just to fit in, but dressing the way I do really helps my confidence and ability to function.

When I try to talk to people my age, they mostly ignore me. I am friendly with some people, but many of them are twice my age. I don’t mind having some older figures in my life, but for somethings they just don’t understand. The most human interaction I have on a regular basis is with service workers, which isn’t a relationship beyond a few minutes.

While I am ok with my looks and my autism, it is hard to contend with how they affect my life as it feels like I can’t control so many things. I feel like I get the cast offs and scraps that none one else wants. It has been hard to feel like I deserve more than that and hard to know that I am unlikely to get it even if I can figure that out. I don’t feel heard. I feel like no matter how much I try it will never be enough for anyone. I am never someones first pick, and I feel like people rarely care about me or think about my feelings or needs at all.

Lonely sums it all up really.

Got bullied a lot for my looks, middle school was a humiliating experience for me. No guys started asking me out until I started losing weight in high school but by then I was so shy and awk that I got scared by anyone who liked me. I started gaining weight again and started getting bad attention from men who would treat me bad in front of others but then want to sleep with me. Women are mean to me at the workplace and most men avoid talking to me. People treat me like I’m an idiot. When I started my current job this other new girl was telling my other co workers that I was “slow”.

How does one know if they are attractive or not? I never get hit on or catcalled in public which seems like a common occurence among attractive women. People dont really notice anything about me except my height (I'm 6'1)

Almost all men leave me alone. I only got unwanted attention if I showed too much of my body by wearing a sports bra and short shorts. How lucky.

I grew up undiagnosed autistic all through school and through my twenties. I was called ugly or scary to look at or made fun of for my clothing or the fact I didn’t shave, just everything. my appearance was constantly picked apart until i didn’t feel like a person anymore. I started wearing makeup way later than most girls and practiced better hygiene and trying to wear cute clothes. even though I was extremely uncomfortable, people didn’t bully me as much, still got bullied but not about being so ugly. So people will still bully you for your autistic traits even if you become more attractive in my experience. I think for anyone who is exceptionally beautiful people will doubt you are autistic so that sucks too.

I get treated weird by men if we’re getting along well (I think it’s just friendly.) and then they assume I’m into them and make a point of dropping off or in the case of one friend in high school - making a whole-ass MySpace post that was about me (about not liking people who liked him.)

I guess that’s what flirting is? I’ve never been asked out and I don’t expect to. I have brothers so I’m just used to hanging out and making friends with guys. It gets weird when they assume I’m into them.

This is just the tip of the iceberg but I wish that politeness/friendliness didn’t mean anything romantic. I do not ask for romance from anyone, why assume I would?

I wouldn't consider myself ugly ugly, but I'm definitely not attractive. Especially as a kid. I was very awkward looking until 12ish. Then, by 14, I was ok. In college, I got comments about my body but wasn't called pretty or anything. I always wished I could just be girly. Look feminine. Wished I could pull off the effortlessness beauty other girls had. Wished I could be sexy. Anytime I tried, it was awkward as hell. My confidence has always been low. I know that all my partners have probably felt like an ex or a friend or other women they see are better looking. In college, I even had a boyfriend who constantly compared me to his friend. Telling me how pretty she was. She had blonde hair/green eyes with conventional beauty and feminine. I had dark eyes and hair and was a tomboy who didn't know how to wear makeup. He made sure to point all of that out. I've been told how an ex was the best looking girlfriend someone has had. I've actually had that happen a few times. How their ex was a 9/10 but I was fun and challenged them. Idk I will never be anyones dream girl or idea of beauty.

Almost 40, and the body is gone. My cuteness is gone. I'm just, eh? It's like if I could small adjustments, I could actually be pretty. If I could change myself like The Sims: smooth my skin, even out my complexion, make my hair thicker, adjustment my eyes to not be deep set and hooded, change my thin lips, take off a little on the tip of my nose, have more of a chin. If I could be taller, move my breast up, have longer legs and arms, smooth the wrinkled ass belly, lift my butt. Then I could have a chance. Not even massive changes but these small adjustments.

i used to be conventionally attractive but am not anymore (pcos fucked me) gotta say not having to deal with men who just want to sleep with me as much is amazing but also me being "quirky" doesn't come off cute anymore. lost my manic pixie dream girl appeal now when i don't know what's going on socially i'm just a Weird Oaf. makes me want to stay in more which is ironic because physically i'm a lot safer.

Extreme social anxiety. I'm constantly overthinking every word that comes out of my mouth, and that makes people think I'm even weirder than I am

What does unattractive mean? I think people who are mean and bigoted are unattractive. But beauty lies in the eye of the beholder (I know it’s cliche but it’s true). Y’all aren’t unattractive.

Well I was bullied a lot growing up. During my teenage years the only romantic interest I got was from two friends, and even those two pointed out I was "weird", and some of that time I spent wondering why everyone else had dates and significant others (including those two friends) and yet I didn't. I was singled out a lot for being too weird and it made me insecure, I guess?

Until very recently, I wasn’t treated as attractive by broader definitions of what it means. Which makes sense, I was mostly in PWI’s and as a black woman I’m statistically the lowest rated demographic of women who are considered attractive. In school I would get fake asked out or when I would lose silly games people the penalty was watching me ask out my crush repeatedly to see me get rejected. The only other two Black people in my class were boys who constantly called me ugly and made fun of me and the girls as a collective made fun of me for wearing pants to short or my hair being “unkempt” or when my skin was a little ashy or if I was a little sweaty and had B.O. (I used to sweat a lot during puberty) or anything else they could think of on top of my flamboyantly-dorky personality.

But since moving almost a year ago, I now experience getting cat-called and harassed a lot more often now. People ask me questions and are more inclined to keep conversation going or help me at times. Sometimes even buy me a drink/food. It’s jarring, I still haven’t figured out how to navigate it all or even how to deflect this behavior for my own safety. When I was younger I used to wish this would happen to me even though I knew it was bad, just in the hopes that I could be validated as pretty.

I’ve heard similar stories about women and girls when they lose weight or when they gain more Eurocentric beauty features (for me when I straightened my hair). There was a study I read and watched in highschool that went over this exact premise I’ve written here.

The difference in experience is INSANE.

I used to be unattractive when I was younger, then I turned somewhat average looking as an adult.

When I was 8-18 I didn’t really care about my appearance, and I used to be bullied for being ugly in elementary school. Physical bullying like tugging my hair and hitting me in the stomach. Neither girls or boys liked me. I don’t think it was my looks alone, I was extremely weird and inappropriate on top of it.

As a teen I was basically invisible. I tried to distance myself more from people. There were a few guys who were mean to me but generally it was ok. Got myself some nerd friends to be an outcast with so it was generally peaceful.

As an adult people are more nice to me. Guys are more nice to me compared to when I was younger. Some women doesn’t like me, but the few who do seem to like me very much. I’ve been told I am attractive by some guys before so I might not be as ugly as I think.

Men loved me when I was conventionally attractive. I’m less so now so I’m treated as annoying and weird more often. Previously I got proposed to and hit on a lot. Men always told me they were in love with me. Very manic pixie dream girl. Sometimes I feel bad for no longer getting the attention anymore but mostly I’m really glad. It’s hard not to seek out attention when you know you can get it. I’m able to focus on myself more now and stop caring so much what everyone else thinks

I was the fat and autistic kid, so I was treated worse than the Down syndrome kid lmao😭

The only way I consider myself to be unattractive is that my belly is pronounced enough that other people assume I'm pregnant, and one gentleman after being told I wasn't currently pregnant went on to assume that I must have been pregnant in the past, but none of these people know anything about my autism, including its existence.

For some reason I've always wanted to appear more unattractive, I think because it draws less attention. Aside from my innate physical appearance such as the shape of my face, and my fairly boyish body, I wear baggy clothes that look old and worn, I don' wear any makeup or do anything with my hair, nor do I shave.

Whenever I try to appear attractive I feel icky in my body, and suddenly feel like I can sense every person within the room. I don't want to be perceived, so why look like the center of attention. I do what makes me comfy, even if others don't find it particularly attractive.

mostly just had the typical experience of being asked out as dare from a party i wasn’t invited too. one time i forcibly hugged by a guy while people stood around and laughed at how red i got. then i proceeded to go to waffle house with them (ik stupid) where i continued to be ridiculed by people saying this was like my first date with said guy while they laughed. once i did have someone show genuine interest in me but i was already with my current boyfriend but it was a creepy interest. the only guy i know for sure that actually liked me was attracted to me and cared about me is my boyfriend but he’s all i need. still doesn’t erase the pain. oh and one time i went to a mechanic to get my car with my sister and the dude was so enamored by her he didn’t even address me.

Been both, became a bit bigger and honestly no motivation to lose any weight. It’s nice not to get harassed by men ass much anymore.

I’m almost afraid to loose weight. Bit older now so maybe i don’t have to worry?

Idk, i found it very difficult to get unwanted attention. I usually did’t catch on if someone was into me. I didn’t like when strange men would randomly try to talk to me while i was clearly wearing headphones. I was’t even that attractive just average looking.

I’m just happy that I don’t seem to get that anymore.

I'm fat and kind of butch. My experience has been all over the place.

For the record I'm not specifically ugly and apparently my autistic traits are "cute" and "quirky" so I haven't suffered too much socially as an adult.

But...

I was bullied mercilessly for my looks in middle school. I managed to pick up the nickname "man- woman".

By high-school I grew out my hair and everything was mostly fine. Except I both had strangers calling me names and throwing things at me out of cars occasionally but also creepy guys trying to pick me up.

I generally found people to date.

Now that I'm older and cut my hair I mostly get ignored. I occasionally get attention from guys. I rarely get narrated by strangers about my looks, and generally only when I'm at work where I know my uniform makes me a target anyway.

All autistic women are beautiful. It's just the truth ❤️

I wouldn't call myself unattractive it's just that I don't dress up much (like wearing makeup everyday). But I kind of have the experience of being in both shoes.

I'm going to talk about my experience at school because at that stage in my life, I had the least amount of friends. It's funny looking back because I think the reason that people didn't hang out with me was because they picked up on something that I obviously hadn't. And it's not like I didn't try either.

So fast forward to my debs, I got my hair and makeup done professionally and I got all dressed up. When my peers saw me for the first time, they said that they didn't recognize me initially. That day was the one day that I got to experience what being Ms Popular was like. Mind you, they all had drink on them so maybe that had affected them too. People were complementing me and talking to me in numbers that I had never experienced before.

I have had similar experiences like this as well but none of them compare to that day.

I grew up horrendously ugly and now I'm... still ugly, but due to fashion and stuff and older women being less expected to be Hot, I pass as what I call Good Enough. I can tell a HUGE difference in how I'm treated on days when I worked hard on my outfit versus days I just threw on jeans and a t-shirt. Jeans+t-shirt me might as well be invisible best case scenario, regular case scenario I just am treated like a walking ball of mold lmao. Whereas when I've worked hard on looking good that day, I get regular compliments when I go out. People are friendlier and more willing to talk to me (this is a blessing and a curse, I will often purposefully dress down on low masking days when I still have to go out and do things). Because I dress in a pretty-but-slightly-eccentric way, I think also that people are more accepting towards my autism because they expect me to be 'quirky' from the way I dress.

I'm far from being a top-model beauty, but now, in my mid-late 20s, I look way better than me from 10 years ago. When I was a teenager, I was quite chubby, my clothes weren't exactly flattering, my hair style was basic and I had low self-esteem. Also, my posture was terrible and I looked "sad" all the time (even when I wasn't', it felt baffling). People barely noticed me and didn't look interested in me, basically. Then, a few years ago I started to put some effort into my appearance. I finally dyed my hair red as I wanted since 14, and bought new clothes. Gained a little bit of self-confidence too. I notice people seem friendlier and interact with me more now. However, I'm still slightly overweight and I need to learn some skincare. Going to enroll in the gym when I get a job. Not that I want to be in the spotlight, but I feel better when I take care of myself.

I experienced something I could call Silhouette Peekaboo. When I'm big, I'm invisible for men, when I'm slim I'm visible for men. I gained and dropped weight very often in my life, because I binge eat when depressed and can lose weight and do sports when mentally stable or in love (unfortunately one sided, but I didn't know at that moment). So there's a weight where I could do dangerous spy things in men areas, so to say, because being fat not only makes you invisible for men, you're not even a human. You could sneak in wherever as a cupboard or whatever, you do not exist, even if you talk. But you have to eat, because as soon as you are slim again, peekaboo, they suddenly can see you, they smile at your, they think you are a worthy thing in their life, even if you can't talk properly. If anyone thinks, hu(man)s are not superficial, I would say: try the silhouette peekaboo. Try to gain weight or loose weight, depends on your current state. It's magic.

I've always been just average. Not enough to scare small children but not enough that men would hit on me unless they were seriously desperate. In general, my experience has been that blending into the scenery has been to my advantage because it allows me the opportunity to observe patterns of behavior which is how I got so good at being able to read people. They would forget I'm there and would say and do things that I would notice and following a situation to the end (i.e., they would hit on my friend who would go on a date with them and hearing how it all worked out, I would start to rethink their interaction to look for the social 'cues' and try to piece a pattern of behavior together that way).

People make a lot of assumptions about what I'm thinking or doing with regard to how I'm reading them. Nope, I'm not wrong, they just don't like that I can right through them.

Weight was always my struggle and being overweight is enough to make you invisible as a woman but trying being ND on top of it. I'm middle aged now and fixed the weight issue so I'm pretty small (size 4) but now I'm 'older' so I'm back to being invisible. To be honest, there's freedom in that. I don't mask anymore so I also don't care how I go out looking; being invisible is just fine with me.

As for my daughters, one has the looks of a supermodel (child looks just like my mother; I ended up looking like my father, ugh) and has learned that men pay attention to her so she dresses differently and holds her body posture differently on purpose to keep the attention away from her. My other daughter is pretty but different than her sister and going through that awkward teenage stage with acne so she doesn't feel very pretty but she has other struggles where even after she grows out of this awkward phase will be a problem - an extraordinary IQ.

I spend a lot of effort on trying to make them comfortable with who they are as people and warn them about people who may not have their best interest at heart. That goes for all neurotypes but it's harder for us.

It's not just looks that make it tough for us but many of us are also twice exceptional. Even if I were a hot girl my IQ and the way I think/speak would send them running away like a cartoon character (as many have). It took me a long time to get to the point where that's a them problem, not a me problem and I'm trying to teach it to my girls by teaching them how to advocate for themselves. It's hard; I'm not going to lie, people aren't ready to accept that in society.

I was very overweight while growing up. People were very mean to me especially boys. I eventually stopped talking to everyone and became invisible as a survival tactic. When I was 23 or 24 I became very active and got very thin. I noticed that people were nice to me suddenly especially men. I was able to slowly learn to socialize again. Things got easier although talking to people is still difficult and exhausting, but people seemed to like talking to me. I started to become more confident in myself. It was nice. Since then I have gained weight from stress, a car accident and being busy from starting a business, and now people are starting to treat me differently again. Not as badly as when I was a kid, but definitely differently than when I was thin. You said "unattractive " so I'm not sure if this story counts but this was my experience.