My whole like I’ve been called a “hard woman.” First by my dad, later by every man I had a romantic relationship with. I of course know the context of these conversations, but I wanted to open it up to yall. What does it mean to be a hard woman? Have you been called this? Any thoughts on this would be nice as I’m finding myself really ruminating on this recurring comment.
What does it mean to be a “hard woman”?
Romance/RelationshipsYeah! I get tough, smart, strong, independent from women. But men always say I’m “hard.”
Welp, what I got from men with low self esteem* was "emasculating"! ;)
*my exes, when they couldn't win an argument
Wait, stop, I get this too! 🤣
If it is meant to negative, then they are essentially saying you are a hardass, you share no quarter, and you are relentless. It might not be true at all, but maybe you don’t go into fawn mode, and you shouldn’t. You are nobody’s fool. It’s only a problem if you can never be soft place to fall for someone who needs and deserves it.
Yep, same.
This is me and every ex. Dumb.
That means you're not a push over and they find that irritating so they use the term "hard" instead of "independent.". They want someone reliant on them, not someone self sufficient. Someone "soft."
The joke is that people are soft when they are relaxed, and they are relaxed when they feel safe. Men demand you to be soft but don't care if you feel safe in their presence.
It's especially ironic when fathers call their daughters stuff like that, as they are literally in charge of so many aspects of their kid's life. If your child is hard, Dad, what does it say about your parenting?
My father used to complain that I'm cold when I was around 12. Well, what does that say about the relationship you built with your child? Do you think you show up consistently, physically and emotionally, for your child to confine in you?
Because they can’t fuck with you the way they want to so they turn your resilience and strength into an insult. I am a “hard” woman and my partner loves it.
Think of it as the opposite of "easy". You don't just roll over. Some men might say this out of awe or respect, but more will try to use it as an insult because they see assertiveness as a masculine trait. Being a "hard nut to crack" is bothersome to people who are accustomed to subservience.
You're a "sigma woman" ;) and that can be scary for men
If someone called me a "sigma woman," I would probably reply, "Yeah, that's me summed up!' 😆
What is a “sigma woman?”
The term "Sigma Woman" has recently emerged in the world of personal development, referring to a woman who is independent, self-sufficient, and highly individualistic.(this is a basic resume of what a sigma woman is) but there are a couple of websites that explains it.
Thanks, Learn something new everyday!
I just learned about it this week... made me realize a lot about me! :) And I'm proud about it.
Ooof, I'm finding out that a lot of men do not like women like this at all whatsoever lol (I'm independent too 🤣)
We’re bad at words 😂😂
You could avoid sharing your actual thoughts or feelings, making it difficult for people to know how to meet your needs.
You could be one of those aggressive at the slightest trigger, making conflict resolution difficult with you.
You could have a backbone and people can't pull the wool over your eyes and push you in one direction or another because once you make a decision, that's what you're going to do.
You could be just stubborn overall and believe once you arrive to a solution, your situation is the only logical solution and no one can get a word in edgewise.
Only you know the truth behind what hard means in the context of your relationship.
Thank you for this 💜 I think you’re spot on minus the hair trigger temper. I have one, I just have learned to control it.
Mind sharing how you managed to do that?
This is going to sound dumb, but genuinely accepting and knowing that my presence is a present helped wonders. I know that no matter what, I can always remove myself from someone’s life and that’s the most hurtful thing I can do. So now, rather than getting loud and angry, I try my best to resolve the conflict and move on peacefully because I always have the trump card in my back pocket.
I adored my grandma but she was a "hard woman" and a lot of your descriptions fit. She wasn't not warm, but she was someone who kept her true emotions very hidden. She was tough, stubborn, opinionated, and showed no fear. She had a dry humor and figured people out quickly, at times to the point of being unkind.
I suspect some of her hardness was a reaction to being hurt by shitty parents and a shitty husband. It was a shell of protection and a fear that any weakness shown would be taken advantage of. Some of it must be genetic though, because I see her in my aunt and sometimes in myself.
When I refuse to accept bullshit I have been called cold, mean, hard. People that don't try bullshit think I am sweet, kind, loving.
User deleted comment
1mo
This
I’ve never been called that, I’ve been called the opposite and that I’m “soft”, often to a fault. Think my opinion of being called that would depend heavily on context.
I spent my whole 20s trying to harden myself after consistently experiencing hurt because of being naive and sweet. Now I miss that softness in me and don't know how to get back to it.
The world needs more soft-hearted people. The reason the current world politics is a mess is because of the selfishness of so many people. This is not a bad thing.
That’s a sweet perspective. It’s taken me a long time to start to see it as more as a gift than a curse. And as just my natural setting instead of something that needs changing.
Fellow "soft woman" checking it; it definitely doesn't feel like a compliment either!
I've been called that, and I tell myself it's because I'm squishy and comforting, like a plush toy or a freshly baked cookie. 😆
Aw, that is a very sweet interpretation! In my case, I think people are using it as a form of "spoiled" and "physically inadept"... 🙃
Aw, you strike me as being more fresh than spoiled. 😁
and "physically inadept"...
Hey, join the club. I'm gonna start using that, since it sounds like a better way to describe myself than "uncoordinated klutz." It's similar to how I'm not "pale as heck," I'm "fair-skinned." 😆
Aw, thanks bb! Also, lol, yes - let us physically inadept people unite 😹
Also, whether you're very light or very dark, people can be so rude about skin tones sometimes. I say rock the whole peaches-and-cream thing!
I’ve been called soft as a “pushover” replacement. I’ve been working on my people pleasing tendencies, but it is definitely my natural state. Didn’t even think of the physical side! Hahaha emphasizes the importance of context
Absolutely; context is everything!
Probably means you won't take any shit off anyone. Many men find that objectionable. Many women find it admirable.
dudes are skeert
lmfaoo fax
I've never heard that particular term, but my boyfriend likes to talk about how he's attracted to "lionesses": women who are confident, strong, and opinionated. Is "hard woman" a regional term? Have you ever asked them what they mean by that? I can see why you'd be thinking about it if it keeps coming up.
It usually goes a long with independence and a spine made of steel, but it really means that you don't use a lot of social smoothing language and general ass kissing. You are direct, to the point, and don't care about hurt feelings, though you aren't malicious or intentionally offensive.
The only man who ever said that to me was my sister's narc cheater ex husband. I believe it was to try to guilt me into being less contrary to him, like my sister was.
From him it was not a compliment.
I think it usually means that you refuse to take any bullshit. You call people out and don’t let them walk all over you. You aren’t deferential or placating like some people prefer a woman to be.
I’ve seen it as a begrudging compliment. I’ve also seen it used as an insult; usually by men who aren’t getting their way.
I’ve been told this… by people who were trying to manipulate me.
I pay it no mind.
I’ve been called a hard woman, and I’ve been called too soft and sensitive.
The way I see it, I am who I am. I’m not here to please you.
Do other women ever call you hard or is it just men who are trying to make you do something?
Just men! I of course have gotten the bitch comments as well, but I actually have really strong friendships with other women. All of them are successful in their own rights and by their own definitions and I’m obsessed with it.
If they can't articulate what they mean by "hard" then it shouldn't matter. Its trivial. They don't know how to use their words to communicate so likely aren't using their brains to interpret their own emotions and why they feel they need to put you down with a vague comment. Its the same as "playing games". WTF does that mean? Adults need to use direct, concise, explicit language when communicating their feelings otherwise no one really knows what's going on. And it's not your responsibility to decipher or interpret their feelings or emotions for them.
Are you perhaps chiseled from granite?
It means that a man expects you to be docile, agreeable, nonargumentative, submissive, and perform every duty expected of you since you were born with a vagina.
Any deviation makes you a "hard woman."
At least that's what I interpret it as.
I would think it means stubborn and high expectations/demands. Possibly difficult to please. Possibly not overly sympathetic and understanding. That’s just my interpretation.
You're tough, take no shit, stand up for yourself. I've been called that by everyone at work 😂🤷🏻♀️
A soft woman thinks with their heart first, a hard woman thinks with her head first. An old saying according to my maternal grandmother.
To me, a 'hard' woman doesn't suffer fools and has a clear sense of personal morals/ethics.
She can seem severe, but holds herself to the same standard of behavior that she expects from others.
She is uncompromising when it's important.
She's not easily swayed or impressed, so her judgement has weight.
She chooses the hard right thing rather than the easy wrong thing, the painful truth over the comforting lie.
She says what she means and she means what she says. She doesn't sugarcoat anything but cookies.
She's kind, but not always nice.
She's trustworthy, because she's comfortable with herself.
Good men admire and value a hard woman. Weak men try to belittle her so she's the same size they are. Not that she minds so much either way.
"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute."
Rebecca West.
Change "feminist" for "hard woman" and you likely have your answer.
I've been called a b**** more times than I care to count. "When women act like women, they are accused of being inferior. When women act like human beings, they are accused of acting like men." Simone de Beauvoir.
We tend to find partners who are very similar to the parent (or parents) who have caused us trauma. It’s highly likely that you’re finding men who are very similar to your father in an attempt to heal that wound.
Just remember that some man (including your father) doesn’t get to tell you who you are. You get to decide that.
I’ve been called the “ice queen in heels” before …. That was at work where what I “felt” didn’t matter - I was responsible for a lot of staff and even more $$$$. No way was I gonna let anyone come between me and my job.
This is just kinda funny …. My DH & I are self employed ….. it’s very rare for him to be called to the phone or even be in the office - it’s usually me and my office mgr (also female).
I distinctly recall one customer saying “I want to speak to the MAN in charge”
I replied “I AM the man in charge!”
Lol - he somehow got DH on the phone and he said “that b-tch in the office ….”
My DH say “which one ? Because 1 of them is my WIFE”
My hardness is carefully crafted and really only a card I play when I need to.
My dad has always told me that I’m “hard headed” lol. But so is he. No one else has ever said it though.
You’re not easy.
I get told that I'm a mom and then people are surprised that I have no kids.
It means you say "no" and you have boundaries. That's all it takes.
Probably means that you aren't easy to manipulate and that annoys them. They may have tried to pull the wool over your eyes but you were not fooled.
I'm betting you have brains and boundaries. Men don't like that.
In the context that my father also calls me a hard woman - he’s generally talking about my standards, boundaries and my reactions to when they are breached.
He says it laughingly… but he doesn’t call my brother a hard man for similar…
Not agreeable, not submissive.
I've never heard that before tbh
Oh sure. I've been told I'm too much, Too loud, I want too much, I'm too confrontational, etc...In every context it was some man who was intimidated by my take no shit attitude.
I have never heard this term before. Sorry.
The first time I heard this term was .... *checks watch* .... 2 minutes ago.
I mean ... I can assume through context what it would mean but its not something I've ever heard before.
I've heard "you can be hard to .... *insert thing here*" but not just hard in isolation.
Where are the people from who are saying this?
I’m very feminine in my look and have been called “soft”, could he have been referring to your appearance? Which might be a bit on the Tom boy / business side?
Very stoic, that’s what I think of.
It means the men around you are misogynists.
My dad, a narcissistic abuser that used to beat up my mom, once told me- “you’re a bitch, you’re hard like me.” He said it because I don’t put up with his shit and he has no power over me.
My JNMIL, while throwing a drunk fit told me- “oh you’re a hard ass bitch, huh?” Because I would not respond to her manipulative tactics and kept my composure as I drove her to a hotel in the middle of the night.
I’m a stable, independent, confident person, but as a woman I guess that makes me a hard bitch, and I’m okay with that.
I've been called a hardass by men trying to intimidate me or make me do something I don't want to do.
I've been called soft by men with regard to my children.
Both are correct, I suppose. Neither bother me.
Remember you aren’t hard to love. There’s just an abundance of men with soft hands.
Thank you, friend 💜
Your probably tough and resilient but leaning into the difficult to be around and deal with...rather than complimentary....
Anyone who called me that would automatically get a “what do you mean by that?” back atcha
I’m glad you asked this. I’ve been told this at least 5 times in the last 3 months and I’m very confused by it.
I’ve been called a battle axe. So was my grandmother.
I’m called “brash.” Sounds like the men that say that need to grow a pair. 😆
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1mo
What is the stereotypical woman?
Saying that in a woman’s sub is going to raise a lot of eyebrows.
By the way, I see a lot of women say this about themselves. Not to bring you down, but it has become cliché at this point. There are countless memes about, “but I’m not like other girls”.
This screams “I’m not like other girls”…..
User deleted comment
1mo
Your last sentence doesn’t really make sense.
There’s things you mentioned above that you feel make you unique that would resonate with many women, including myself.
The way that you depict other women is troubling and basically puts them down to boring wives and mothers who love to chit chat. That kind of sentiment isn’t helpful towards your fellow women. I hope you can find the courage to change your perspective.
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1mo
Who can’t get out of their box? Yikes. Now I just feel sorry for you. There are so many women doing amazing things out there. More than there ever have been in fact.
Have a good day :-)
Man do I feel this.
Ding ding ding 🛎️
To me, it would indicate a possible hyper-independence, which I believe is a defence mechanism.
Either that you're difficult or tough. Depends on the context and your local dialect/slang. No one's ever said that to me. I mostly get told I'm aloof or intimidating.