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AITA for not correcting older kids who use the term half siblings for my younger kids?
NTA
Half-sibling is the correct term for the familial tree relationship between your two older kids and your 1 year old. I guess I understand your husband's concerns. I guess it is possible your youngest might not understand the terminology and might assume half means, we only half love you etc. So then why isn't the better compromise to just explain the term to your youngest (when they are old enough to become curious) and make sure they understand it just means they share the 1 parent and has nothing to do with their relationship with one another?
Why should your two older kids have to censor using that term when explaining the family tree relationships? You could argue if they are forced to explain your youngest is their sibling, that people may assume they all share the same parents and your former husband (my condolences) doesn't exist. It's okay to use the correct terms to explain where we come from and how we are related. It doesn't make you any less of a family, unless your husband & SIL make it an issue.
Exactly, OP has the right approach not to make it a big deal
If everyone else makes it a big deal then it’ll have a negative impact on the younger half siblings. But if OP, when the children are old enough to understand, explains to the kids what it means and that it doesn’t mean that they treated as half a sibling and that it’s a term with no power to affect them, then crisis averted.
But it seems like hubbys family will make a big deal and it’ll be OPs job to rebuild confidence because OPs family can’t mind their business.
NTA
In the short term, it will have an even more negative impact on the older siblings, since they will resent the little ones.
The fact, that OP writes, that the older kids are "getting along just fine" with their half-sibling and their step-father indicates - to me at least - that they aren't too enthusiastic about OP's new family to begin with.
Pressuring them sure will not remedy that but cement it, imo.
they aren't too enthusiastic about OP's new family
It might have nothing to do with this, and instead have more to do with...
two children with an ex who sadly passed away 4 years ago.
Their dad is dead. Telling them to stop referring to their half-sister as their half-sister might feel like it is disrespectful of the memory of him, or erasing/erroding him.
They will, eventually, drop the "half", but it needs to be in their time, when they are ready.
They might not, ever, and that's okay too.
Exactly. For the older kids, saying the “half” is a way to remember their dad. If the older kids don’t use “half,” then they will have to tell people the sister isn’t their dad’s, or say their stepdad isn’t their real dad, etc. The simplest, most direct way to address all these issues and avoid common misconceptions/understandings/presumptions is exactly what the teens are doing. If the baby sister and subsequent siblings are loved by the older kids, that label won’t impact them in any negative way at all. Kudos to the husband for telling his sister MYOB (sister is AH here). OP is definitely NTA. The teens have enough on their minds without this nonsense baggage from step dad.
He died 4 years ago, and there’s already going to be 2 new siblings and a new father figure in the mix. I am not saying that as a dig against OP at all. But a lot has changed in their life in a relatively short amount of time. I think the kids should be given a bit of grace here.
I have a half sibling too. That’s not an insult, just literally what she Is.
Bear in mind though that OP called her older children’s father her ex. That relationship appears to have been over before he passed away so I don’t think this is a case of OP moving on too quickly.
That said, it would still have been a big step for the older kids to go from what was presumably a shared custody arrangement to living full time with OP and her new partner after their father’s death.
Since they are 13 and 15, there’s quite an age gap between them and their half siblings so my guess is they will always be closer to one another than to the smaller kids. The older one might move away in just 3 years, the next one in 5. The younger siblings will be doing a lot of growing up without their older siblings present.
Also, quite frankly, most teens aren’t going to be overly wild about working on being super close to their baby siblings, half or otherwise.
I think the best OP and her husband can do is to not make a big deal out of the older kids keeping the distinction of half siblings and to not push for them to have a closer relationship with the little ones than what develops naturally or there’ll be a lot of resentment from the older ones and likely a lot of hurt and confusion from the smaller ones on the long run. We’ve all read the stories of ‘my younger siblings demand a close relationship because my parents drilled it into them that it’s their right to have and our duty to provide one’.
I lost my dad at 13 & this was my gut reaction. They want to remember him, or at least voice the reality.
Also, their half-sibling is about one, they can play, hold, and talk with them so being more neutral, especially since they lost their father 4 years ago and are getting used to this blended family dynamic, is perfectly normal. Like, I love my nephew but he’s about 18 months so there isn’t much connection other than the fact that he’s family. NTA, they get to determine what their relationship is like and they are the only ones who get to choose how they refer to them (as long as it isn’t rude, which it isn’t).
This is what I was going to say. Their half-sister is 1. They really can't build much of a relationship with her. Things might get better as the younger children grow up and the older ones will drop the half. But that's going to take time. On the other hand, the older kids might go to college. They might never make that connection because they're not around the younger ones. And that's okay. All blended families are different. But forcing it is will only make sure it never happens.
My half sister was 16 when I was born. I was 16 when her son was born. And he was 15 when my eldest was born.
She actually went to a local college (and took a few extra years), and my parents arranged a 4-room basement "suite" for her (the main room when you went down the stairs was a large living room with TV, couch, and drafting table and bookshelves behind, then you went through a door to a sitting-room area, through a doorway to the bedroom with a large closet, then another door into her full bathroom. Bath, bed and sitting room all had windows.)
Growing up I would go downstairs in the evenings after she got home, and if she was out in her living room, would ask to hang out or watch TV with her. If the door was shut to her sitting room we'd leave her alone, I don't remember ever going in her bedroom much, as that was her private space! She'd sometimes take us on outings on the weekends. She took me to her university computer lab a couple times, and I would sit and draw with MS Paint while she worked. MS Paint was VERY exciting back then...
Eventually she moved out, and she'd come pick us up and we would go hang out at her apartment for an afternoon. Later she bought a house about 5 minutes away from us, where she was living when she had her son, and I'd go over and play with her dog, and visit with my nephew, and later niece.
I moved away for college, and then she moved away after that, so I don't see her as much anymore... she eventually fell down a political rabbit hole, so we don't talk as much as we used to, as it's just... hard.
I always called her my half-sister. She was a crucial part of my childhood. I looked up to her when I was little, she was a sounding board when I was having issues with my Catholic mother in my early teens, and so many of my random childhood memories involve her, being in her car, being in the basement, visiting her apartment/house... she was like my definition of what being an "adult" meant when I was younger.
All of my memories and feelings about her are/were always so positive. But I remember learning pretty early that my dad wasn't her dad, that her dad lived in another state. Her dad's parents still lived in our town, and she would house-sit for them, and I have memories of going over and hanging out with her at their house, and meeting them when I was hanging out with my sister and we stopped by for something.
It was just totally normal that she was my half-sister and I loved her just as much, and LIKED her a LOT MORE, than my "full"-sister who was closer to my age, but very different in personality.
It never occurred to me when I was little that calling her a "half" sister meant anything other than she had a different last name than me, and that was why. It was a descriptive term that had nothing to do with feelings, just facts.
And the reality is that these kids are so much older that they are going to have a very different relationship with them even if they were full siblings.
They are going to be out of the house by the time the kids are toddlers and in all probability will never live at home again.
I would think they are going to be much more like aunts/uncles as in people you have warm feelings with but don’t have the same kind of intimate emotional relationship you have with siblings you really grew up with.
Yup. And that kid is probably going to have a very different childhood than the older kids. My father was 16 when my uncle was born nearly a decade after #4 and the difference was night and day. They all get along really well, but my uncle was almost an only child and his parents made more money as they were older and had been in their careers longer.
I don’t know how old OP is but she probably had her first few in her 20s at the latest if she is having two more 13 years later. She’s probably experienced and comfortable in a way she wasn’t when they were young.
I was the "only sibling" and until I was a proper adult I had an almost avunculi-nibling relationship. My closest in age sibling is 15 years older than I am; my oldest was 20. Good news, we're really close now; but it took work on both sides so ymmv.
This is exactly how it is with my young adult kids and my toddler-early elementary aged kids. A couple have a closer bond, but overall, it's like you described.
I see the same theme on here and real life. You can’t force a relationship dynamic and forcing one seems to often create a negative feedback loop in the relationship.
I think, though, that there are things OP can do to help build sibling relationships. I DON’T mean forcing them to perform a relationship that isn’t really there, mind. And everyone is going to have to accept that blood relations or no there’s going to be a very different relationship between a pair of teenagers who grew up together and their relationship with a literal baby.
But you can encourage them to do things together. I have a (half-)brother who is thirteen years younger than I am. Helped him learn to read, played computer games with him, came home from college and made a point of spending time with him. He just graduated college and we still talk on the phone regularly. OP can’t force this, but she can suggest things and encourage where there’s interest. And she can insist the rest of the family shows respect for her kids feelings so that resentment doesn’t crush the possibility of a relationship.
The baby is 1 years old. What are some teenagers gonna do with a 1 year old right now.
I think they need to be able to talk before they can learn to read?
Your projecting and assuming they won’t be involved when the baby gets older. The older siblings haven’t stated that they wouldn’t so you’re just making assumptions. The main point in the post is about them calling the siblings “half sibling”
Let’s stay on topic not try to find issues that aren’t there.
I’m not assuming they won’t. I’m offering OP advice on ways to build a connection in the future, based on my experiences with a similar situation.
But stay mad I guess?
Reading to a one year old is fine and great. That’s why they make board books the kids can chew. You don’t expect them to cook when you give them a play kitchen, you know? Reading in the toddler age is just playing with the idea, and children learn through play.
It’s a baby, they’re teenagers. What are they going to do with them?
Well, I lost my dad when I was twelve and my brother was born when I was almost fourteen. When he was a baby I’d carry him around and show him things. I was a tiny nerdlet who always wanted to infodump and he was a baby who couldn’t object and who hearing language helped so I’d show him my pictures and tell him about the line of numenor. Later I’d draw or play blocks with him, and a little later once I moved out he played online games with me and my now-husband. He got into anime and we still call once or twice a week to be like hey whatchu been watching lately.
Will it be the same as a relationship between peers? Absolutely not, especially at first. But it can be affectionate and close even so. The trick is to not force things but yes allow and encourage interest and connection where you find it.
"...tell him about the Line of Numenor." What an awesome little nerdlet, lol! You sound like you were a great older sibling to your brother.
I’m 44 my little brother (half) is 17 and a junior in high school. While I don’t use the term 1/2 I’m not his sibling in the traditional sense. We weren’t raised together. I’m more his aunt than his sister. Her oldest will be 30 when this new one starts high school. What does the new husband expect? Sliding and swinging together? Playing fort? Any time they spend with the baby is child care not siblings hanging out.
🎯. Teenagers are also getting a taste of independence and hanging out with their friends, most aren’t staying home to play with a baby.
No one said they’re not affectionate or that they’re mean . They’re teenagers, they’re usually not that interested in playing with babies.
I have an older half sister (+16) & half brother (+19.) We’ve always used the term half…but from the time I can remember, my older half brother has always said “we might be halvsies, but I love you whole-zies.” He started it and it’s stuck between all of us (including my 2 whole siblings)
This is what I say about my sister! She sis my half sister but I whole love her!
Oh that's the most disgustingly sweet thing I've heard this month. I gotta go take an insulin shot now...😂😂
NGL This is super sweet.
But I prefer how my in-laws do it. They don’t use the half. My husband, who is younger than his siblings by the same amount as OP’s, is their brother. It really does make a difference within a family and my guy is better off having been named and treated by his siblings as their little brother. If it’s such a small thing, why shouldn’t OP encourage kindness?
She can ask why they don't and then accept whatever answer they give. Their father isn't even dead a decade. They're still coming to terms with a traumatic loss and that they even get along "just fine" in the new dynamic is a pretty remarkable thing already. I say as long as they're not using it in a negative sense, it really is a little thing and their comfort is just as important as anyone else's.
What makes you think they can force this kid to do this?
Yes but this is now as an adult.
As a kid I also used halves. But as an adult I don’t bother with that distinction anymore
Less fucks about stuff like this means you’re adulting lol
I don’t see the issue, but my brothers’ wives are my sisters, even though we don’t share any blood. (I have a bio sister, too.)
I also have three older half-brothers, and I call them that when people ask, or I say, "I have three brothers on my dad's side." I think the term is just fine, I'm not sure how my brothers talk about me, but if they use half, its totally fine by me. They are older than me, so we literally also only share half a childhood, and it makes some distance one way or the other.
I might see the dad’s argument IF, and ONLY IF, they’re even making a point of using “half” when it is weirdly unnecessary - like picking her up for a cuddle and being super-specific when speaking directly to her; “how’s my baby half-sister?” That would seem weird to me. In every other situation; introducing her, describing her to others, telling a story to a friend - whatever, it’s fine. It’s accurate and normal and of no concern. But I could easily see dad being concerned baby might feel left out if they specifically refer to as “half-sister” in even very private, intimate moments directed at her. I don’t necessarily agree with him that it’s a problem but I can kind of see why he might be worried about it. If that makes sense.
See this is how I feel about it. To their face, I don't think I ever really outright said half sister though I think it was brought up when they learned about family trees in school, but to others I do say I have 3 younger half sisters, because it acknowledges something extremely important, we have different fathers and last names. Which may be what the kids are doing. Personally I think it's a bit of a conflict that the step aunt works at their school because I don't want them punished for something she deems unacceptable of her trying to go behind moms back when it's not her business. They ARE half siblings. And for them, their father didn't pass that long ago. I feel like next the aunt and step dad family will be mad they don't call him dad because it'll confuse the little ones.
My in laws have a similar situation with similar age ranges. My husband and his brother are a decade+ older than their little sister, and their fathers are different races so it’s obvious they are half siblings. When they were kids, step dad insisted the older brothers refer to him as “Dad” and the sister as such, never referring to her as their half sister.
Fast forward to adulthood, turns out step dad was emotionally abusive to mom, cheated on her, and now they’re in a years long dramatic divorce. The older brothers are obviously pissed at step dad and little sister is caught in the middle. Luckily all the siblings get along and have great relationships among themselves.
I say all that to say that forcing a familial bond does not guarantee a great relationship. Obviously the terms they used influenced the siblings’ relationship, but step dad put their relationship at risk with his actions.
TL;DR: walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk.
their fathers are different races so it’s obvious they are half siblings.
My 3 boys just call each other brother. It's fun to watch some people's reactions bc one is blonde haired, blue-eyed with a nice tan, and the other 2 are half Black and half white. They then explain they're half-siblings and how, IF they know the eyebrow raised person and give a damn.
With the age of the youngest, saying half-sibling makes sense to the older two. It explains the age difference w/o having to explain that dad has passed.
Tell hubby that you appreciate him telling his sister to get out of your disagreement. He showed a spine that many men wouldn't have done.
Then say that while you can see his side, the kids must be allowed to call the youngest a half-sibling. You can't order/mandate a relationship into happening. After some time, they'll possibly (probably) drop the half- so let it happen organically. Without resentment or guilt-trips and endless arguments.
I think there is another thing to consider here. The older kids using the "half" helps them preserve the identity of their deceased dad. Even if they do not call their step father dad, calling the new sibling just Sister or Brother gives the implication that Step dad is their dad to others.
It may well be a way to help them keep their deceased dad acknowledged as a part of who they are.
I had a parent die when I was a child, and although my surviving parent hasn’t remarried, this feels very accurate to how I imagine I would feel. Even if the surviving parent acknowledges and openly remembers the deceased parent with the children, this would make a lot of sense.
Exactly this. Plus, provided OP and new hubby continue to support the teens in using whatever terminology they prefer, it’s possible that as the kids all get older, the teens could bond with the new kids and eventually drop the half- on their own. But if people like their step-dad and step-aunt try to force them to prematurely drop the half- when referring to the 1yo and unborn baby, that’ll almost definitely ruin any chances of that happening.
NTA. I have three older half-siblings from my mom’s first marriage and I’m the only child from her marriage with my dad. I grew up knowing they were technically my half-siblings but it would have hurt my feelings a lot if they ever referred to me as anything but their sister.
I remember being angry at one of my older sisters once as a child and saying something like, “You’re only my half-sister anyway!” and that really hurt her feelings as well. Even as adults we don’t clarify that we’re half-siblings unless someone asks about our obviously large age gap (they were all in middle/high school when I was born).
That said, they clearly never considered me anything but a regular sister and my mom force them to do so. There’s also the added grief over the loss of a parent here, whereas my siblings could see their dad whenever they wanted (though often chose not to and were much closer with our mom, which also contributed to our close relationship). If the older kids in this situation want to refer to the younger ones as half-siblings, it’s only going to breed resentment to make them do otherwise. I agree that the best thing to do is make sure the younger kids understand the term as they get older so it doesn’t make them feel less than.
OP's kids are using the word 'half' because in their minds, not doing so erases their lost father
NTA
It's really about what the kids are comfortable with. I never use the half when talking about my little brother, because to me what's the difference? We have different dad yeah, but neither of us know them or want to know them, and our mom didn't raise us our grandparents did. I feel like it's already so messed up and confusing what's the point. I helped raise that boy, I watched him be born, he's just my brother. I don't see the point in using the half, but my life is different from others, and it might make sense for someone else to use the half.
I come from a blended family. I usually use bro/sis for everyone when talking about plans (I went to my brother’s last weekend. I’m going to my sister’s this summer, etc) or when casually introducing/discussing an individual sibling but we all look similar enough that we could be related. When describing the whole family I’m always specific, though.
That’s what works for me, but I’ve known people who always specify and didn’t find it weird.
I imagine that for kids where the blended part of the family looks different it is easier to short cut the conversation by being specific.
I agree. We see so many stories here where the parents forced a relationship on step/half siblings and it backfired so badly kids go NC. You’re doing the right thing OP
I agree NTA. First, what removes a sense of closeness with the older kids is being 12 & 14 years older than the half-sibling. Second, the baby will grow up having these siblings that don't call her dad "dad"--that furthers the divide between them. They may grow closer as years go by, but they are so much older than the baby it won;t make any difference. Also, this may be one way the older two subconsciously keep their dad in the forefront of their lives.
Exactly. They don’t want it appear that there father never existed!
Exactly. In casual conversation I have 4 brothers. If someone wants to know more about the family dynamic I'll explain that I have 1 full, 1 half and 2 step. Labelling them properly when it's appropriate doesn't negate the fact that they're my brothers it's just terminology that clarifies everything.
Ultimately, SIL needs to be told to butt out. She is ginning up drama in her brother's family over nothing. There is nothing inherently unloving about the term half-sibling.
Fun fact: in the genealogical and legal world, for some reason we use the term "of the half blood"
Also, the relationship will be more distant just due to the age difference…there are definitely siblings that make it work and have a close bond, but not everyone is willing to do that... and that’s not taking into account that they aren’t full siblings. My two cousins are 5 years apart and are half-siblings, but you wouldn’t know that unless told because they refer to each other as just siblings. I also have a similar dynamic with my step father and step sibling, I have complicated feelings about the latter, but my stepdad is leagues better than my bio dad and they’ve both been in my life since I was 5.
They may not feel close to these people, but adding “step” or “half” isn’t necessarily indicative of how much you care about them, though they both probably have distant feeling, and that’s ok…one of the WORST things you can do in a blended family is to try to force relationships.
NTA and agree with the top comment. For your children it isn't about them feeling like their half siblings are less than it's about letting people know they have a different parent, a different dad, who they love. And exactly right that it shouldn't make the baby feel like anything unless they make an issue out of it. My 2 kids were teenagers when their dad started having 4 more kids. Depending on who my kids are talking to whether they use half or not, just so there is no confusion. Now my kids stepmom, she made sure she always said half to her kids because she wants her kids to understand that my kids are not hers. And so the kids understood that half meant they had the same daddy but different mommies. They knew who I was too so that helped. The kids could show the baby when she gets a little older a picture of their dad and explain it to them. My kids and their siblings don't even care, they are all still crazy about each other and super super close. Even with the age gap.
My guess is that it has more to do with that then anything else. They miss their dad. They don't want anyone, including moms new husband, to think that he's their dad. It has very little to nothing to do work how they feel about their half sibling(s) and everything to do with who dad is for everyone.
You could argue if they are forced to explain your youngest is their sibling, that people may assume they all share the same parents and your former husband (my condolences) doesn't exist.
Exactly. OP's husband and in-laws should not expect your eldest children to erase their father. They have had to deal with the death of a parent at a very young age. It would be unkind to ask them to present a family relationship that suggests he never existed.
I have a half brother 'Dan'. We didn't grow up together because our father's first marriage (of which he was the product) was on the other side of the world from his second marriage (of which I and my sister are the product).
My dad's first wife remarried. Her new husband already had two daughters (a lot older than Dan). They are, of course, Dan's step-sisters. Dan's mother had two sons with her new husband. They are Dan's half -brothers.
He didn't need to drop the 'step' or 'half' bit from the description to have a good relationship with them.
Dan still had, and has, his (our) father's last name. But that didn't prevent him having a good father/son relationship with his stepfather. In fact, he told me that his stepfather was a nicer person than his mother.
I wonder, does OP's eldest children still have/use their father's name? Taking that away from them would be further erasing their father. Keeping it would add to why they describe their half-siblings as half siblings.
NTA. I don’t understand the obsession with blended families trying to force closeness. Your 1yo IS less of a sibling to your older kids than they are to each other. They lost their dad; maybe they want to honor their connection to one another by preserving the words brother and sister for each other. Whatever. If they treat the baby with care and respect they’ve done all they’re obligated to do. A 1yo doesn’t care about anyone but his parents and by the time he’s old enough to care the siblings will be adults out of the house, more like aunts and uncles than anything else.
ETA: the baby isn’t less of a sibling because of the genetics. He’s less of a sibling because he’s part of a family the teenagers had thrust on them when they were much older and getting ready to have one foot out the door anyway. If they develop an unforced relationship naturally, it may end up different.
There’s so much power in being willing to meet people where they are. Forcing kids to lie about how they feel serves no one.
You said a mouthful! So much focus on how people think things “should” be, too little attention paid to where people are and what they need in the moment.
I teared up a lil reading this. Thank you, I’m saving this phrase
“There’s so much power in being willing to meet people where they are” is such a beautiful, meaningful phrase and it hit me deep in my soul. Thank you for sharing that.
The fastest way to alienate the kids and make them actually dislike their little sister is to try to control their thoughts or feelings regarding her. It seems like they like her just fine. Husband's family better let this go before they manifest problems that don't exist.
I have no idea what makes these people think this would ever work... how is forcing someone to use different words going to generate closeness?
ETA: the baby isn’t less of a sibling because of the genetics. He’s less of a sibling because he’s part of a family the teenagers had thrust on them when they were much older and getting ready to have one foot out the door anyway.
I have two older half sibilings. We always just call each other brother/sister. But they were ~17 and ~19 when I was born. They never spend time with me because of whatever reason. Majority of my life I forgot they existed in the first place, its only been in recent years that I actively remember that I'm not a single child, but that is only because I have niblings and used to spend a lot of time with them. Still love hanging out and talking to them when I visit. I'm much closer to them than my sibilings because I care about having a relationship with them.
OP, it doesn't matter what term they use, don't let anyone tell them otherwise. NTA.
I wouldn’t say the baby is “less of a sibling”. Objectively the kids share a parent, so they are all siblings regardless. They just have less of a sibling relationship due to the multiple factors you stated.
I'm guessing that it might change as the youngest grows up and gains a personality. There's a large age gap and babies are boring.
Your children’s lives were devastated 4 years ago, and you seemed to have moved on pretty quickly. I don’t mean that as a criticism, but I can’t imagine being an 11 or 9 year old whose dad died, and within 4 short years later Mom starts dating; Mom is remarried; strange guy now lives with us; Mom’s pregnant; Mom has a new baby in the house; and Mom’s pregnant again. That’s a lot to digest and deal with.
I would hope that your husband doesn’t have an issue with the fact that they don’t call him “Dad” or view him as a parental figure. And your 1 year old is their HALF sister, so your husband needs to butt out. She is not part of their dad. If your husband and his family don’t like it, too bad. I’m so glad you’re standing up for your 2 oldest regarding this.
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1mo
Thank you for that additional info. Sorry that I skimmed over the “ex” in your first sentence. I apologize.
My heart breaks for your kids. I cannot imagine being their age and losing a parent, let alone having a lot of other changes taking place. It sounds like your kids respect your husband and their half sister. I think your family is ahead of the game, frankly. Good job Mom.
Do the kids have relationships with their dad’s family? Do they have photos and mementos of him in their rooms?
My mom lost her daddy when she was 14, and she just died a few months ago in her mid 90s. To the day she died, she wanted to see him again (one of the reasons among many that she wasn’t scared of dying). She wouldn’t allow anyone else to walk her down the aisle when she married my dad because (as she told me) “That was my daddy’s job. If he couldn’t do it, no one would.” My elderly mother never stopped grieving her daddy. There was no “getting over it” or “moving on.” There was just an altered life because he was no longer there.
I say this just because your children will always grieve their dad. It’s just that they’re figuring out how to navigate life without him.
Much love to you and your family.
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1mo
This is so lovely!!
And I’ve got to say that you really don’t need SIL butting in at all, but certainly while you’re pregnant and have a 1 year old! You seem like Super Woman!
Oof, the part about your mother missing her dad all her life hit pretty hard. Just lost my father figure two weeks ago and everyone tells me it'll get better with time but I feel like I'll never be the same.
You’ll never be the same. You are permanently changed. I guess that’s the way life goes. My dad was in his 90s when he died, and I’m more than middle aged….I miss him (and Mom) every second of my life. I know that Mom missed her daddy every moment of her life since he died.
That didn’t mean she wasn’t joyful or was morose—not at all. She loved the life she created with Dad. But she always missed her daddy. She told me that the first soul she wanted to see in Heaven was her daddy. She died 80 years after he did.
I’m so sorry about your loss. I hate the language of “you’ll get over it” or “ you’ll get past it.” No. You will learn to incorporate your loss into life and go from there. Will it get “better?” I just don’t like that language. It will become your normal. You will incorporate your devastating loss into your routine life. It’s the way life goes. Remember him. Celebrate him. Talk about him. ❤️
Thanks very much for this. Trying not to cry again now.
It’s ok to cry and sob. It means we’ve loved and do love. ❤️
Please don’t feel like you need to explain your marriage to strangers ..I’m glad that you have found happiness and seem to have built a nice and loving life/family
It sounds like things are going well under the circumstances with regards to the blended family, in your older children accepting your husband and their half sibling. But given the rough time your older children have had, and them approaching their teen years, what you currently have is very fragile. No good can come from our husband pushing for them to drop the 'half', and there's a real risk that could damage the relationship between your older children and younger children and husband. I think it would be helpful to point that out to your husband in very strong terms - he is risking all the admirable progress your family has made, because of his busybody sister.
I'm just one person so my experience is just mine, but I'm a younger half sibling. My brothers are 10 and 8 years older than me. I grew up knowing they are my half-brothers and I was fine. The age difference was a bigger reason for us not being close than the half was. Your kids will likely alternate between saying half or just sibling, but only if no one makes an issue out of it. When I want to be specific, I say half. When I don't feel like answering questions or just being general, I say brother.
I’m glad you slowed things down with your now husband when the ex died - that’s a huge and not good change for the kids. Glad you put your kids first
4 years is not "moving on pretty quickly".
Not for Mom but maybe for the kids.
It's not 4 years. They have a one year old, who was born at least one year ago, or even a year and some amount of months ago (could be closer to a year and a half or 2 years). Pregnancy takes about 9 month.
So she got pregnant 2-2.5 years ago. 1.5-2 years after their dad died.
She also said she was in a relationship with her husband when their dad died, but she didn't say they were married already. So there's a good chance they got married before they had a kid.
The kids seem ok with everything, and it's totally possible this was enough time for them so I'm not saying she's wrong, just wanted to point out the timeline was a bit faster than what you are saying.
That's fair. I did see that she wasn't with their dad when he died. I just really hate this "Oh it was very quick" thing, like people need to go into Victorian mourning practices when someone dies and wait several years before dating or marrying again.
When I wrote my comment, it was taking into account all of that—Dad died, new stepdad, Mom pregnant, newborn in the house, Mom pregnant again…
For kids, that’s a lot of change in 4 years. That’s all I’m saying.
Not generally, but I do think it’s good practice when kids are involved to be sensitive to the fact that moving on may be much harder for children (for all sorts of reasons) than on the adult.
It is quite normal to wait a longer amount of time before moving on when you have young kids in the picture.
She got married and got pregnant with another child within 2 years of their dad dying. It may have been ok for their family, but that's definitely still considered rather fast.
She doesn't give her age but as she has a 15-year-old I'll assume she's on the older side, I can't blame her for not waiting longer
It all depends on the situation.
In general it would not be a good idea to rush to create a new family and more kids if it was at the expense of already existing kids who are grieving and going through a really hard time.
In this case it seems they are ok with her getting remarried and having new siblings, so imo it's fine that she has expanded the family.
You just have to be considerate towards the kids you already have. You should only be moving on as quickly as they are ok with it and able to manage.
Ex and OP were divorced prior to his death
I guess it’s just me, but if I were 11 and my dad died and Mom got remarried and started having kids….4 years is “pretty quickly” (at least in my 11 year old brain).
Their entire lives have been turned upside down and will never be the same. Add a stepfather, intrusive family members of stepfather—his sister, and a couple of new siblings….that’s a lot to try and deal with.
It seems that OP is juggling all of this like a champ and being fierce for her 2 oldest.
OP replied to my comment to say that she was already in a relationship with her current husband at the time of her ex’s death. I apologized to her for skimming over the “ex” in her first sentence.
If you are aware of OP not being with her ex at the time of his passing, why are you doubling down on your judgmental comments? 4 years after an EX died is NOT “pretty quickly.”
No judgement to mum from me at all for this, but suddenly the kids don't have their own dad and the stepfather is trying to force a particular dynamic that to them probably just doesn't feel natural, especially so soon after their own dad died. These new kids come from this new guy, not their own dad, so even though the relationship wasn't particularly "rushed", the world has changed in their heads. I hope everyone finds a comtortable way to be.
I actually feeling qualified to speak on this one.
I am the youngest of 5 siblings (3 full, 2 older half siblings from my father’s first marriage). Our age split is similar to your family.
When we were growing up, there was never any pressure to use sister/brother vs half-sister/brother. All five of us defaulted to using Half s we thought that was the most appropriate term and most accurate.
As we’ve gotten older, I’m now 30 and the oldest is in their mid-40s, we just use sister/brother. But I know if there had been pressure it would’ve caused resentment early on and not allowed our sibling-relationship to develop appropriately., and we probably wouldn’t be as close as we are now if we had been pressured like your husband is trying for force on your older kids.
Your husband needs to acknowledge that half-sibling isn’t a derogatory term (unless they are using it to indicate your new children are lesser) it’s just a fact, the new children are their Half-siblings.
Encouraging your older kids to engage with the younger ones as much (edit or as little) as they are willing and comfortable with, is the best move to developing a long lasting relationship between all of your kids.
I was forced to call my half sibling my full, and forced to call my step-dad "Dad". I do not speak to any of my nuclear family, and have not for 2 years now.
Can confirm, forcing a relationship only does the opposite.
lol i was the opposite - my dad always corrected me with half younger brother or step sisters when i referred to my siblings from my mums. it was the most annoying thing ever until i brought up that ig i should start called his older siblings my half aunties and half uncle from now on
I really believe kids should be able to decide for themselves.
I have halves and steps...... my youngest step passed recently, and I lost my sister. We were adults when my dad married her mum, but over 30 years the step melted away.....I also will say I have 2 1/2 brothers... there's 4 brothers total, but 3 are halfs.... I just like to confuse people😉 2 of my 1/2's have 1/2 sibs of their own, then there's the niblings and now a great-nibling. They are all family, whatever words are used.
I made the same joke with my half siblings!
My half siblings from mom and my half siblings from dad know each other (and are similar ages).
2 actually went to the same college at the same time, and joked that they were "quarter siblings" despite being completely unrelated and having only me as a common link 🩷
I agree, also from a similar experience, except as the oldest of the crew. I’m 46f and my youngest brother just turned 30. As a teenager, I found that saying “half” felt best - it’s true, but there’s also a huge age difference and kids really notice that. When I was 30 and my youngest siblings were in their teens, they said half while I felt no need to delineate any more. But it didn’t offend me. Now we’re all squarely adults and we just say sister/brother.
Similar. We have a his-hers-ours family. I am the 'ours', so all of the others are halves to me, but the 2 sets are steps to reach other.
Our (collective) parents never forced it, and I strongly feel that we best. Initially there was some working out of awkward titles (what do you call dad's new wife's ex husband?), but they just left it alone.
We are all adults now and just call each other sister and brother and mom and dad. It actually causes some confusion, because my gynecologist is also a family friend but who met the family long after things reshuffled. She was very confused why I wasn't recording my pre-ex-step-mom's breast cancer on my chart. Another time a sister included medical history for another sister (who is actually her step), genuinely forgetting that it wasn't relevant in that context. The ex-es come to Thanksgiving dinner because that is when all the adult children come into town, and all of us have the ex or step parent as 3rd in line (after blood mom and dad) when needing to call a parent in an emergency.
Respect the natural evolution of the relationship, and it can be just fine.
Same boat. I consider myself the second of five. One older full sibling, a step sibling and two younger half siblings. They're still my siblings, but I refer to them as half and step.
First: NTA. Your family, whatever works for you, that's great.
Just my perspective as having been the MUCH older sibling to two half-siblings. I was 19 when my sister was born and 22 with my brother. My other full siblings are all younger than me. The babies were never anything but my sister and my brother, there was no half anything, they were family. my "stepdad" that's another story, but siblings were children and they were my siblings.
My proposal: talk to the kids, see why they feel the need to make the distinction. Are they feeling left out because you are "starting a new family" (not saying you are, just hypothesizing here)? I realize, whatever happens, you are their mother, and you know them better than some rando on Reddit, but if they can start seeing little brother/sister as just that and not half, it might bring family togetherness.
Anyway, sending my love. Blended families are tough.
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1mo
So they’re saying half sibling so people know that they have a different father and that he’s not forgotten or people don’t think they’ve forgotten their father. That is very understandable. Have you explained it that way to your husband? And if no one brings it up to the younger kids as they get older you’re right it should not be an issue.
This is the answer right here. They need that “half” designation to validate that their father isn’t forgotten.
The younger kids feelings are important but not more important than the older two. I want to echo what others have said: if no one makes a big deal out of the half sib designation then it won’t be a big deal to the youngers.
If it helps, I was 16 when my half sister was born. Once she got to the walking and talking stage, I loved her and called her my sister if she was with me, or I was talking with close friends.
Any time I was with distant relatives, acquaintances or strangers, I called her my half sister. The main reason was because, as a late teen/young adult I did a lot of volunteer work within my grandmother's circle. My sister was not her granddaughter, and I quickly found a lot of gossip started assuming my mother had a "change of life" baby. Quotes like "how could [grandmother] not welcome her baby into our community?" and "imagine [mother] being so ashamed she's hidden this from us all." My sister was half through my father and I didn't care to have vicious gossip created about my incredible mother.
I can absolutely see the perspective of, if your older children stop saying half, it's an obvious leap to assuming your husband is their Dad. I appreciate that they don't want to dishonour his memory. Besides, the language they use is correct and it won't impact how much love or affection will develop. Judgemental assholes certainly will impact though, so keep being NTA and standing up for all your kids!
Inform your husband that saying his daughter is their full sibling would mean he's not the baby's father. Ask him if he would prefer that you all tell people, including your babies, that the kids are all full siblings, and are all the children of your late ex-husband. Because while it's clear that what he wants is for your older kids to pretend they're his biological kids and that their father doesn't exist, that's not an acceptable demand to make of them, and the only other way the kids could all be full siblings is if he doesn't exist.
NTA. 4 years ago your older children suffered the loss of a parent. Saying “half” may be their way of respecting his memory. They may drop the half on their own. They may refer to your current husband as Dad one day… but they’ll never do any of those things if you make an issue out of this and say something. It’s only been 4 years - having experienced the sudden passing of my Dad ( 7 years ago), not enough time has passed and there may never be enough time having passed to push this issue. They’re teens and they’re grieving. Let them do that in their own way.
Nta. They are half siblings. That's a fact and to pressure them to lie because it makes the adults more comfortable is bullshit.
What you call someone doesn't determine how much you love them. That your kids don't lie about their biological relationships isn't cause for alarm unless they are trying to erase part of who these kids are.
I will die on this hill. I will die on it for every live-in cousin, every half and every step sibling out there. Your husband and his sister need to get their heads on right.
I really like that your husband backed you up with his sister, then told you in private that he agreed with her. He has your back even when you disagree, which is great. That said, NTA.
Ikr? That felt refreshing
I was going to say the same thing
Same! I came to the comments looking to see if anyone commented on that. Even though he didn't agree with OP, he didn't gang up on her with his sister and told her his feelings in private. That was so nice to read.
NTA
Your husband and SIL are placing a stigma on the half part. There is nothing wrong with being a half sibling, but not allowing the siblings to use the half part is sending the message that there is something wrong with it. Do they want this child growing up thinking that there is something wrong with her that should be hidden? I'm guessing no.
She is their half sibling. That makes her special in that way. Embrace it. Don't pretend it doesn't exist.
I love this reply! I didn't even think of it that way, but you're so right. Just because they're saying "half sibling" doesn't mean they love them any less.
Right? Like I refer to my steps as stepfather and step-sibling, my SD is better than my bio dad and adding the “step” to sibling is definitely not the reason why I have complicated feelings for them. Granted there’s no pressure to force a relationship between them, they may be perfectly close when the little ones get older. While there are a lot of instances where the older siblings just don’t develop the bond to the younger siblings for whatever reason, there are a lot of families where the possibility of closeness disappears because of people like husband and SIL
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I don't correct my older kids for saying half siblings about my younger kids. My husband would like me to and his sister has said she believes I should too. This is something my husband has expressed more than once and I did not act on it and it's a small strain on our marriage because he respects my role as my older kids mom not to do it when I don't want to. But it might be wrong for me not to act when I know he'd like me to.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your older kids won't have the type of relationship with your baby that they have with each other due to the age gap. They'll be out of the house in a few years. Your husband is creating an issue with your older children for no reason.
The age difference itself would put distance between full siblings let alone different fathers. Tell your SIL to worry about her own life and leave your children alone. NTA
SIL is going to cause a lot of trouble for OP and the older kids. I bet SIL will never stop being butt hurt about something that's not her business.
Your spouse does not understand that your older children have an identity of their own, separate from him. They remember, and probably still mourn, their father. This does not minimize any love or respect they have for your spouse... unless he creates that situation himself (and it sounds like he might be doing just that.) His sister, by the way, is trying to sow the seed to create further distance between the children and your husband. It is up to him to make it clear to her that she will not be allowed to do so.
I was forced to call my step dad "dad", and forced to call my half sister my sister.
It honestly messed with me when it became clear I was the scapegoat, and peacekeeper of the family. Why am I being treated as an other by people I'm not even fully related to? Them doing that to me honestly, in my opinion, made my childhood abuse that much more pervasive. I had to accept these people who treated me like absolute garbage and was forced to call them family. Total mindfuck.
Let your kids call their siblings full or half, but leave it up to them to decide how they want to refer to them.
NTA.
You got a real one with your husband. I hope you appreciate that although he agrees with his sister, he shut her down hard and defended you.
NTA, you're not in the wrong.
There's nothing to 'correct'; they aren't wrong.
NTA
It could be because calling them their sister would imply that your husband is their father. The only thing that matters is that they love and treat her well! That’s what she will know.
NTA. If there is one thing I've observed about blended families, it's this: You can't force them to blend. If you do, you are much, much more likely to fail.
You don't know why they say half sibling. It might be a very private way to honor their father's memory. It might be that they are a little uncomfortable with your new relationship. It might be that they are now teenagers and that anything concerning sex and reproduction is a little too real right now. It might be that there is just too big a gap between a baby and a teenager for them to feel close.
The best thing you can do is not to push. Just treat everybody like a family and wait for things to happen organically.
But be warned. The more you push this issue, the further away they will go.
Nta. If everyone is getting along, why are your husband and his sister trying to add strife to your life?
But she is their half sibling. He wants to do away with reality?
Many half siblings raised together just call one another siblings. And that’s fine.
But there is a huge age difference here. You essentially have two families, and your kids feel that.
Your husband is going to create more resentment and distance if he doesn’t let them lead the way.
Ok, first of all your SIL needs to take a GIANT step back. She is definitely crossing a line, and will absolutely make this entire situation worse if she keeps meddling where she isn't needed.
Second, NTA. Anyone who has ever interacted with a teen knows that if you try to force them to do something they truly don't want to do, they'll resent you for it. If that thing involves another person, they will probably resent the other person as well. You can't force a relationship on someone, ever, and I feel like we've been seeing a lot of these step-parent posts lately. Your husband needs to get in his lane, parent his own kids, and allow your almost adult children to live their own lives and have their own feelings.
NTA - there is nothing wrong or bad about being half siblings. Your children are simply stating a fact. Because your daughter is only one and they are quite a bit older they may never have a close sibling bond with her. They may end up being more like an aunt or uncle figure. Or when she starts talking and interacting with them more they could have an amazing sibling bond and the half could naturally drop away. As long as they treat her well this is a nonissue that shouldn’t be pushed.
A friend of mine had two older stepchildren (college sophomore and hs senior). They also have a 1 1/2 year old. I have no idea how the step kids refer to their baby half brother but they adore him.
NTA the titles don't matter. All that matters is how they treat her. As long as they treat her the same as they would a full sibling it shouldn't matter what they call her. It's just a technical distinction.
All of my siblings are half or step. My mother tried to say that they were full siblings because they came from her but that was a huge lie and a way for her to manipulate me into babysitting her kids more. I hated it and those are my half siblings and it’s apparent with the 10 and 12 years age difference. Does not mean I love them less, just that is what they are, my half siblings.
They're old enough that correcting them won't change what they think or feel, it will just force them to hide it and think of it and become resentful of it. One day, they may change how they say it. One day, when they're older, it will be ok to talk to them about it and see how they feel about changing it. Until then, it really doesn't matter, honestly. Your daughter is one. By the time she understands that it's different, or even notices they're calling her "half" sister, they'll be adults and possibly out of the house.
If you force them, they'll get resentful of it, and possibly resentful towards the children and husband. Maybe this is their way of keeping a separate respectful boundary for their dad? Either way, the term is technically and legally correct.
NTA.
Sometimes we use half.....because then it acknowledges the other half of ourselves we lost. To others and ourselves. It isn't an insult.
Honestly whenever I read these sorts of posts the impression I get is that those with only a vested interest in the "new" family—i.e., those like your husband's sister, who could really care less about these two previous children (and might even wish in their heart of hearts that they hadn't been part of the picture)—only accept the "leftovers" from the old so long as they're willing to cosplay the uninterrupted nuclear dynamic that the "new" family is trying to force.
Coming from a person who loves and treasures their half-siblings: This man is not your children's father. That child is not your original children's full-blood sister. Attempts by self-interested adults (including their step-aunt) to force them to peddle a narrative they know to be false will only alienate them from those adults—and by extension, you. NTA.
NTA
I agree with another comment in this thread where the user is suggesting your children are using the term half sibling or half sister to respect the memory of their father and his role in their lives.
My brother married a woman with kids and he already had kids as well They make a big deal out of not using the terms "stepsister, stepbrother, stepson" etc. They make the proclamation with a way of suggesting superiority and a deeper love for each other. It's just super weird to me. I have a stepson and I've been in his life since he was a little guy but referring to him as my son, Just confuses things for other people because his mother is still around.
If they refer to their half sibling as their sibling it would clearly suggest to other people their father never existed.
The other people are in this story are wrong. You and your kids are in the right. I think you should stand firm and not push this on your older kids.
Your SIL and your husband cannot “correct” your kids for seeing their relationships the way they see them.
Their feelings and perspectives matter. You can’t reach in a kid’s head and change their point of view. All you can do is signal to them that they need to hide their feelings.
The reality is that their dad passed away and they have a step dad and a half sibling and as you pointed out, that’s no big deal. There’s no need to pretend that isn’t true.
NTA. YWBTA if you didn’t defend your kids in maintaining their boundaries and if you tried to force them to support their aunt’s fantasy world.
Good for your husband for backing you in public & keeping your issues private. That said, it might be worth talking to your kids to find out why they only say half-sister. It may be because the situation is still new & they’re getting used to the idea.
My sister is 8 yrs older than me & we have different fathers. I don’t know if she ever referred to me as her half sister, but I didn’t find out we had different fathers until I was 9. I’m in my late 40s & only mention it if it comes up in conversation for some reason, it just never occurs to me that we have different fathers. Time is a great equalizer. It may just take your kids time.
Edit: NTA in any case for defending your kids.
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1mo
NTA Your older kids lost an entire parent. They have only each other to relate to in that. To them saying it may hold meaning in that they miss their dad, they have a strong emotional tie from growing up with their dad, any number of reasons. Nobody should be pressuring them to define siblings who are half or step as whole siblings to keep the adults around them happy. nobody. Your youngest is 1, and for the fact that I’m assuming they use her name or a nickname and don’t just say “hi half sister” she is relatively unaffected by this at this point. By the time she’s hearing it as being said to other people like “this is my brother, and this is my half sister” it would really be helpful if the adults around them didn’t assign feeling to that or snap try to correct them and erase that they had a dad before and they WANT to have that connection attached to eachother as different than that with your husband’s kids now. It speaks more to me that they don’t want to erase their dad by calling your husband dad or claiming his kids as their siblings (without definition) than anything to do with their sibling herself. And as kids grieving the loss of a parent throughout life, they should be allowed some leeway in deciding for themselves here if they aren’t actually treating their half sister poorly or anything.
The term "half-sibling" or "half-sister" is factually correct, therefore it is "fair" for your older kids to use this term if that is what they are most comfortable using. How your husband or his sister "feels" about the term is irrelevant. They will do far more damage to the kids' relationships by trying to force the terminology - and you are right, it won't be an issue for your youngest so long no one tells her that the distinction is "supposed" to be a problem. He isn't being a good step-father, and she isn't being a good aunt by creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one.
NTA - Facts don't change just because you don't like them.
NTA as someone with half-siblings, if anyone had made me say "sibling" it would have harmed my relationship with them.
NTA, “half” describes the familial connection, it doesn’t minimize any relationship these siblings have or might eventually have. That’s just what they are! I have four half and two step siblings so quote me as the expert source.
NTA as a much older half-sibling myself, i use this term frequently. because that is the nature of the sibling relationship. end of story.
Even if they were full blood siblings, the 12 year age gap means they are growing up functionally separate already. And the older 2 have a whole other set of relatives through their late father.
The older 2 had shared experiences, as will the younger 2.
Is this really the hill your husband wants to die on? If he pushes too hard, it'll just cause a rift in the whole situation.
NTA. Half and step are not slurs and banning the use of them doesn't automatically make a blended family form a closer bond.
NTA. Wow all this focus on how the one year old feels how about how the teens feel? They are old enough to use words the way they want to use them.
It's reality, it's the correct term. They are half siblings.
I'm the oldest of 8. One step and six halves. We don't use those terms unless we have to explain the family tree. But that's just how our family is. I don't understand the big deal with the use of half/step etc because with luck family just becomes family. Yes sometimes it's not like that but they shouldn't be making such a huge issue over a stupid word
NTA. Regardless of his feelings that’s exactly what your combined children are: their half siblings. Acknowledging they’re not full siblings isn’t offensive. Hell my family has been jokingly calling the 2 IVF babies we’re related to as “test tube babies” without ill will
Have him read the millions of stories on here of forcing that issue on kids, it always backfires and leads to intense resentment, and often no contact.
NTA Your older children are using the term 'half' correctly. Given the age difference, it won't make any difference at all to your younger children. Tell the inlaws to butt out! Tell spouse to get over himself.
NTA; half sibling is the correct term.
Your husband needs to accept this isn't about how he feels, and his sister at the school needs to butt out. If teen kids who are old enough to understand and decide for themselves how they feel you simply cannot force any relationship you choose on them. They have chosen what they feel comfortable with, their feelings are valid and the *grown ups* need to stop making it about them.
Soft NTA.
I(28M) personally have no full blood siblings, one half sister, and two women I call and consider sisters, though they're not blood related at all. The two not related are the full blood sisters of my ex who I'm still very close with, and they feel the same way about me. I don't tell people she's a half sister or they aren't blood, not because I try to hide it, but because it doesn't matter. We say we're siblings and that's it.
I slightly agree that specifically calling out the half part can make your 1 year old feel slightly ostracized later on in life, but everyone is going to feel about it a little differently. Maybe she'll not care, maybe it'll make her feel like less of the family, but in the end it'll be her decision. Trying to force the other 2 kids to stop saying half would probably make THEM feel differently about her though. Like you're trying to invalidate their feelings instead (obviously not what you're trying to do). Add to all this they're both teenagers. Still kids themselves, still trying to figure everything out, and about to be, if not already in, the rebellious phase. It's good that you bring it up to them, make them think about how their words affect people, but I think forcing it would be a bad idea.
like everyone else, NTA:
i have two half siblings, a brother and sister, ones from my mom, ones from my dad. i call them my sister and brother, and when people ask if i have siblings i do give them the half-sibling detail. but, this is because when i was born my parents stayed together and i was raised alongside them for 10 or so years, as siblings.
your kids were not mostly raised alongside your youngest, or your unborn baby, and its obvious they aren’t comfortable with considering them full siblings like people who grew up similar to me. plus, they’re young enough that with losing their dad, it can be hard on them to consider anything that could erase their dad (which i get, i lost my mom young too)
on top of this, it’s not hard to explain to kids what half siblings mean. i remember thinking it was a cool story to tell everyone lol- that’s just what comes with a blended family
NTA - kids are telling the legal truth as well as showing their feelings about the half-siblings. Nothing wrong with that. Dad is insecure and controlling. You cant demand and control the teenagers feelings. Of course they will feel closer to each other than the new kids (even with the same two parents a 22-14 year gap will cause that. Why shouldn’t they be able to express that?
NTA It’s a little bit of a weird situation though. Since the older kids are significantly older, it’s unlikely they will actually have a closer relationship with the little siblings when they are all adults besides just being a sibling that is out in the world. I’m 10+ years older than my “half” brothers and being in my mid 30s now and having my own family I’m in a different place in my life as they are in their early 20s/late teens. We aren’t close. Probably never will be. I’ve been moved out and on my own for more of their life than I’ve been around. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them any less than they would be if they were my full siblings. It’s just they are there. Now with my own kids, I just had my 3rd baby and my eldest is 8 years older than her half sister and my son is 5 years older. They have a chance at being closer and not looking at their baby sister as just their half sister (they don’t call my partner dad or anything like that since their dad is present in their lives).
It’s the age gap for me.
Your younger kids will grow up together and it will likely be different for them.
Not saying this will happen but it’s my opinion.
NTA
The issue is not whether they consider the new kids to be less of a sibling, the issue is whether they consider the new kids to be less of a person. If there is cruelty or abuse, or even a lack of respect, then there is a problem. And policing the language they use could possibly result in the older kids developing negative feelings and attitudes towards the younger kids.
NTA for you and your older kids, who are defining the relationship correctly. May I suggest though, that since your husband and SIL are offended by this, your older kids should instead start referring to the baby as their "sister from another mister"? Time for some malicious compliance, and kinda catchy!
NTA. I don’t understand why people get so hung up on the labels. If someone chooses to use the “half” designation, that is their right. Heck, it’s the truth too.
Your SIL and husband are focusing too much on it being a “slight” to them and the 1 year old sibling. It’s not about them, but about your kids wanted to love, honor, and remember their dad. They may want to put that separation so people know that they have a dad, and their mom’s husband is their stepdad. There is nothing wrong with that!
In addition, your daughter is 1 years old. It’s not going to matter for her for a while. Like you mentioned, you can cross that bridge and explain things to her IF it bothers her when the time comes.
You’re doing great as a mom and thank you for respecting and a loving all your children equally and not disrespecting their wishes.
NTA it's just their way of distinguishing that it's their sibling through you, their mother, not a personal attack on the baby
Omg. NTA. Your eldest may be feeling like calling her a half sister does justice to the memory of their parent who died. It doesn’t mean they love their sibling any less…. But they do have a different dad, maybe your kid is trying to honour the memory of their departed dad by acknowledging their sister still has both parents on the planet, and they don’t.
They might say they have half a sister - but that sibling has double the parents.
As a person with half siblings I can see how this can be seen as wrong. Growing up if my siblings called me half it would upset me
May not bug you, but it will probably bug your other children to be called , “half,” so less than? There is no reason they need to throw the half in. They're your sibling, full stop. This will hurt their relationship growing up.
Why would it bug OP’s younger children, if she actually raise them to know what the term means? It doesn’t mean ‘less than’ at all.
There’s nothing wrong with saying half or step. It’s not negative in any way and has nothing to do with how you feel about someone.
Step just defines how you’re legally related, since you don’t share any DNA, and half just means you share DNA through one parent.
I know people who are closer to step or half siblings than they are full siblings, or who have wonderful relationships with step parents.
Let’s not give words a negative connotation when they are not negative.
NTA would your husband rather they have an overall positive or neutral relationship with your youngest or a negative one? Bc if people push them into one all they will create is resentment. I don’t think he wants that because THAT is what will hurt his child more than having “half” siblings.
NTA. Forcing your kids to use the word sister when half sister is actually correct is just going to make them resentful and less likely to bond. Leave that pedantry alone and do things that foster a caring relationship. Words don’t matter as much as genuine emotion which can’t be forced in this way.
NTA. Half-sibling is the correct term to use to describe this relationship and it clearly matters to your kids. It's not malicious, it's just a word that specifies their relation to the baby and by extension to your husband. You are correct: if no big deal is made out of correctly using words which accurately describe things, it won't be a big deal.
Think how awful it would be to have to explain the death of their father every time some finds out they have a different father after saying “sister”.
Honestly by the time she’s old enough to understand what being a half sibling is, they’re going to be old enough to be out of the house, on their own, and even plenty of full siblings of that age difference don’t necessarily feel sibling-like to the younger generation their parents have created. She will feel exactly like whatever their relationship looks like. NTA.
NTA - It's not up to your husband or even you for that matter to define your children's relationship with each other. As long as they are not abusing each other you should stay out of it and so should your husband and especially your SIL.
As a mother of two half sibling kids (now adults 28 & 38) that are 10 yrs apart in age…..
The age gap will have a far larger effect on the sibling relationship than the term “half”sibling.
The children will establish their own relationship through time. Simply make them respect each other and encourage love….
NTA. If it's accurate, then there's nothing to correct. You can request they don't use it, but they aren't wrong to do so.
NTA, but this is a big deal. It's a big deal to them, that makes it a big deal and you would do well to recognize that. Neither you nor your husband get to decide how your children feel about their situation. And frankly your husband is overstepping boundaries as a step parent by butting into how your children handle the loss of their actual father.
NTA, they’re using what they’re comfortable with. Forcing them will not change anything. Trying to manage their language and feelings to suit others will just everything worse.
Your kids are 12 and 14 years older than their half-sister. They will be grown and gone in a few short years. The sibling bond will never be there. Not because of what the older kids call the younger kids but age alone. NTA
NTA I prefer not to use half or step but I also wouldn't push it on the kids. I say "your brother" or "your sister" and if the kids want to say "step" or "half" that's fine. I think making it a bigger deal will create or heighten ambivalent feelings. If they ever expressed hostility or resentment to the adults not using terms like step or half I would want to help them explore their feelings more .
he does feel like the use of half is verbally keeping a distance from her that he doesn't see as fair or right
OP is NTA, although I am on the same page as her DH. Especially in OP's situation where there was no co-mingling of her children with a partner who also had children.
I think OP and DH's little one(s) are going to feel a natural separation from them anyway because of the big age gap. As the babies grow, the older ones won't be a constant presence in the home with school, activities college (dating 😱 😱) etc.
When the LOs are old enough to finally understand what halfs mean, it might not be too much an issue. They may consider the four of them as the real family and view the older ones who now aren't around much as "just halfs." That would backfire royally.
Maybe we've got this all wrong. Maybe it's the older ones who shouldn't label themselves as halfs. I still I believe the kids will be closer as they grow up as brothers and sisters without the label.
As children, my two boys knew they had different fathers, and even now, as adults, they've never considered each other anything other than brothers.
NTA
Your kids are using a factually accurate term. Tell your husband that it isn’t a problem. Tell your SIL that she needs to fucking stay in her lane. If she continues to use her position at your child’s school to try and backseat parent YOUR children. You will be filing a formal complaint.
For the win. ⬆️✅️🎯
NTA. The children are dealing with the loss of their Dad, and a new family situation. Let them sort it out on their own, forcing them to use terms that make them uncomfortable will only drive a wedge between them.
NTA. Let your kids decide what they want to use as terminology. It's not like their dad is next door and seeing them everyday, he's dead. You're doing exactly the right thing by letting the kids adjust to the family dynamic and new relationships however they feel comfortable.
NTA. She's their biological half sister, and they're free to refer to her as such. The important part is to explain to her the distinction when she's old enough to understand it.
Furthermore, your SIL and husband need to understand that any attempts to force them to not refer to their half sister as their half sister, will result in them pushing back. It'll build resentment, both towards them and towards their half sister.
I call my stepbrother my brother and we met when I was 17 and he was 12, but my other step brother I don’t have a relationship with and won’t call him a brother nor my kids’ uncle.
NTA. half-siblings are half-siblings, and it's not disrespect to use the term.
NTA
You can't force a feeling of a sibling bond by forcing kids to use particular terminology. Forcing things only backfires and causes resentment.
Even if the new siblings were full biological siblings, they're not going to have the same type of sibling relationship as the oldest two, just based on the huge age gap. Maybe they will stay close to younger siblings after leaving home, and maybe they won't. You can't expect the same relationship when there's a 12-year age gap.
Plus, your older two kids have the bond that comes from experiencing trauma together of losing a parent. The new siblings will hopefully never have that shared experience. It's perfectly natural that the older kids won't have the same type of bond with 12+-year younger siblings that won't have that same loss in their lives.
It doesn't mean that they can't build a good relationship with their half siblings, but it's going to be different, and that should be okay.
NTA. The loss of their dad was probably hard and the half-ness of their new siblings quite apparent to them. You can talk to them about it because perhaps they don’t really notice or would be happy to drop the half you can’t can’t enforce it. This may also change when the little ones get older
Nta You respect their boundaries and allow them to express themselves. You're a good mom.
NTA.
The reality is that your kids will be out of the house and to college and beyond before your daughter will have any real lasting memory of them being in her day-to-day life. Forcing your older kids to kowtow to a particular use of a word will only drive that wedge between them. I think your instinct is right not to press it. The sibling bond might develop in time, but the age difference is going to be the real issue.
d make people think that your husband is their dad, and that could feel disloyal to their dad's memory. The two issues - the half sibling and the view of your husband as their dad - are tied together. Calling your daughter a full sister would make people think that her dad is their dad. Maybe "half" sounds clinical, but maybe there is some softer verbiage that is better.
One day, they may call her 'sister'
If you put your foot down and demand it, they never will.
NTA. You would be if you made a big deal out of it by forcing the issue.
You can and should refer to them as brother/sister, both to the olders and to the youngers, but if the older kids see their younger sis as 1/2 sis, that’s their prerogative. You aren’t going to change the family dynamic by digging in, challenging or making demands… The only thing that has the possibility to change the dynamic over time is mutual respect
I’m the youngest of 8, with 3 half-sisters on my dad’s side & 1 half-sister and 2 half-brothers on my mom’s. I am close with my mom’s kids, and always have been, but have rarely seen my dad’s girls over the past 40+ years. I refer to all my sibs as my sibs, except on the off chance I’m explaining our relationship, in which case I’ll bring up that they are half sibs.
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