My son came out as gay yesterday on his birthday. After he came out, I said that I knew, then he mentioned a few key moments that gave away he liked boys and said that I love him and always will, but he seems to be hurt, and said that coming out gave him anxiety, and that I should have said that I knew he was gay. is there something wrong with me? maybe I could be the asshole for being cold in my response by saying I knew he was gay? how should I have come about this. As a single father I should have seen the signs and should have tread water lightly. I’m not sure🤔. What are your thoughts on the situation??
NTA
I think I would have simply said that you didn’t say anything because it’s not your place. What if you had been wrong, imagine that awkward conversation. You’d thought it better to let him tell you when he was ready. Then apologize to him if that was the wrong approach and reiterate your total support.
And if that wasn’t enough, maybe something else is going on here.
Surely you mean NAH based on your explanation?
nta means not the asshole
NTA means the other party is the asshole.
User deleted comment
14d
No, there’s a very specific voting guide for this sub. NTA means there is an asshole in the situation but it’s not OP. NAH means no one’s an asshole.
Well, I can admit when I was wrong. That's my bad, I've never actually looked at that part of the rules. And I've been here a while. I should do better.
It’s really not that serious. I guarantee you everyone reading your comment knew exactly what you meant, some people just like opportunities to ackshually!
Tell him that he suspected his son's gay no.
But did he at least confirm to his son? You know every parent will have talks with her children telling I love you no matter what, you will always be my special child. Stuff like that that would be reaffirming.
My aunt told me she'd love me even if I was gay and it was completely out of pocket.
I'm not, and I grew up religious, but my parents luckily wouldn't have cared.
I grew up religious, but my parents luckily wouldn't have cared.
Same here, and it's refreshing to see the same situation.
I'm straight and although my dad's a minister, I've never had much of a faith in god. My dad has never hassled me about it. I've always been pretty androgynous in appearance and have a lot of completely platonic guy friends, and have always made friends with folks on the fringe.
I remember recommending Rita Mae Brown books to my mom because they're hilarious. They're also quite Sapphic. Mom called one night and just reassured me that if I had anything to tell her and dad, I could. So I took the opportunity to tell her about a guy I was getting pretty serious about, and she laughed. She confessed she suspected I was a lesbian and afraid she'd love me less because of it.
This was in the early 90s, so it was quite progressive at the time. Bless her.
Shout out to your parents.
Unfortunately my extended family isn't as progressive as my mom is. I only really see most of them at weddings anymore. Dad's side is good though.
Oh yeah, I've cut off ties to most of my mom's family since she died. They're bigots, and I won't deal with them at all. My dad's side (which is a long line of ministry) is largely progressive in that they believe in loving your neighbors, and should be an ally to vulnerable people. Weird shit like that. 😄
My mom moved away from her hometown with my dad for school, two of her sisters eventually settled in the same city, and those two aunts are actually pretty cool. Well one is a bit off, but she's nice. Their husbands and my cousins are cool too.
My mom has 10 siblings, so I guess I had a good chance of having a few good ones. Odd thing is from what I can tell my grandpa wasn't a bigot and I don't think my grandma is either.
At a wedding an uncle asked me and 5 cousins if we had bf/gf then turned to my last cousin and said “what about you, any partners?”
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣there’s always an auntie or uncle so and so
Y’all are lucky I am staying with my aunt for the summer and yesterday we were watching a civil war movie and I hear her comment. If only we had more artillery we could’ve won. It took me a moment before I realized she was rooting for the slave owners in the film???
I wish every parent had that sort of conversation.
Perfect response wish I could put things this well when needed!
NAH.
Your son may be confused that you'd figured out something that he just got.
Just continue to support him in his journey and you'll get past this. Keep it up, Dad.
For anyone else who finds themself in a similar situation, often times saying, "Thank you for telling me. I love you" can be a great starting point.
I don’t understand why people find it so hard to do this. I feel like there’s nothing to be gained by saying “I always knew.” If you’re trying to communicate it doesn’t matter to you and nothing will be different, just say that.
It feels really selfish. Someone just trusted you and the first thing you want to do is point out how observant you are? They potentially agonized over their identity and you want to say it’s obvious?
Well from your point of view there's nothing to be gained by saying anything then. The dad here said he loved his son and that nothing changed.
BTW, I think you got the issue at hand wrong. The son isn't mad that dad said he knew. He is mad because the dad didn't say anything, therefore making him go though the trouble of coming out.
There is nothing selfish about what dad said here. By saying he knew, he is validating his son's identity and proving to him that he is valid, seen, and loved. He didn't say it was "obvious". He said he knew, like any good parent would by the way.
Now when I came out to my dad he said "Oh of course! It makes total sense! Congratulations on figuring yourself out!" Which was awkward lol, but every coming out is a tad awkward I guess. I'd say the son needs time to adjust and the dad tried his best.
It seems to come up a lot in these types of posts that people think they're being supportive by being really blasè about it - essentially shrugging it off, and thinking that will go down well because you're demonstrating that it's normal. It baffles me that these people don't get that the issue isn't the sexuality being normal. The issue is treating an enormous revelation from a loved one (something they have carried on their own for a long time, and have worried about potential reactions to) as if it's something you don't care about. "Here's a deeply personal thing that I have agonised over telling you about." "Yeah whatever, I know."
Why is it selfish? It might just be a way to tell the person not to worry? "I already knew this, and I love you." A way to say that nothing has changed, and if you thought this fact would change the way I love you, it will not.
This is the right answer for if someone comes out to you. Coming out can be really stressful and folks don't want to feel dismissed with a, "Yeah, I could tell."
I knew my son was gay since he was 2, he came out at 19....my reply, about time ...he was a bit confused as he though he had hidden it so well....
I think for him it was a bit anticlimactic, not really sure what he was expecting.....I mean everyone went well that makes sense....
But he now loves his gay 2 year old self stories....and apart from a couple of people who don't count he has been accepted as he is...
NTA. What did he expect you to do? Just come up to him one day and go "hey son, I'm pretty sure you're gay?"
As long as you showed that you love him and wouldn't judge him, then it isn't your fault.
I think the problem is for the kid, coming out can be a big risk. Even seemingly tolerant parents can flip when it’s their kid who’s gay, they aren’t getting grandchildren. What about their other relatives, friends… no surprise they’re anxious.
From their perspective, a parent saying “hey we all know and it’s cool” could’ve saved a lot of stress.
But of course some kids want to come out on their own term too so you can’t really win. Just have to take it gracefully if you guess wrong and accept their emotions are high.
My thoughts exactly. I had a friend who told me he would never come out, ever.
He said he'd just come home one day with the man he loves, and "if they know anything about me, they won't be surprised. If they are, well, it's on them". And he did exactly this.
Of course everyone in his family knew lol, so it wasn't a big deal at all, but every coming out is different, some are very emotionally charged and some are just a "oh by the way" moment.
The dad could not have known any of this, and it's not his fault at all. I think the kid needs to adjust to the new situation and that the stress from coming out is what made him lash out like this. IMO, the dad handled this like a champ 🏆 👏🏽
That’s basically what my cousin did. He never sat anyone in the family down and said “hey, I’m gay”. He didn’t need to; we all knew he was gay and he knew we loved him. I had someone ask me how my cousin came out and I said “well, I guess it was by sending out his wedding invitations” 😂
I think sometimes people are prepared for a fight that doesn't come, and by going "I love you anyway and I knew/suspected" leaves a ton of emotion and adrenaline looking for somewhere to go
This is it.
As a queer, THIS! Everyone is different. When I figured it out, EVERYBODY was forced to learn it along side me! One of my friends was so nervous to tell his parents several of us stayed a block away ready to swoop in and take him somewhere safe if need be (he was fine for those wondering, family was excepting). Another friend was nearly sent off to India to live with some relatives because clearly she was just too westernized. She wasn’t lesbian but her parents thought she was because I had a crush on her, so I acted a bit lovey. Thankfully she moved out to safety.
Over all, everyone is different, responses differently and has different needs during these difficult years of figuring out who you are and who you can tell. NAH, son was stressed, which is fair. Parents had a hunch which is also fair.
Parents do hint about this! It can be awkward but it looks like : "hey son, you know I love you no matter what?" "So I've heard about [lgbt movie / TV show], it looks really great!" "If you get a partner one day..." etc
Haha... my mom's like that. She'll say something about a lesbian couple on TV and then make a point to say in some way that she supports LGBT people, and... well, it's sweet that she's trying, even if I'm not a lesbian. I've tried to gently introduce her into what being ace means, but she still seems to think that it means "gay/lesbian, but afraid to come out of the closet," so... yeah. All she knows right now is that I've never really had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and that I don't show much interest in anyone; a lot of her relatives were like that, too, and she seems to believe that they were all gay and in the closet.
I don't really care what label she uses for me, though; she's not pushy about ~grandkids~ and she's making a big effort to be more understanding about LGBTQ+ things in general lately, and that's all that matters to me. :)
That's really sweet. My kids are much younger and have known since they have been able to talk what gay means and that being gay and straight is the same thing in terms of people just wanting to be close with one another. There will be no coming out in this house. There will be just, "here, meet who I'm dating" (boy or girl). I give zero fucks about what's in their pants so long as they are a good person and my kid is happy.
Us Aces are here to throw off our parent's gaydar and eat cake!
My worst coming out experience (which was also my first) the person said "I just assumed you were a lesbian." My best went like this. My bestie and I were discussing the Barbie movie and I said "people keep talking about it being gay but if any Barbie came across as asexual and as an asexual I really appreciate that," then me and my friend continued our conversation about the Barbie movie ❤️
This is my first out pride month and I have a whole collection of Ace gear and got my friend an ally shirt. I'm so excited. I hope you get whatever coming out experience you wish for some day.
My mom does this to my brother all the time. She also did it to me before I came out in high school, she would always talk about how much she loved Callie & Arizona's relationship in Greys Anatomy.
I think my mom sort of did that as well. She took me to see every gay movie, and she befriended all the gay men in our small town and always them over hanging out. Despite all that, I never connected the dots that she would be ok with me being gay, even though in hindsight I could see that it would have been fine. I needed an overt confirmation to realize it was ok.
This! If you as a parent signal that you’re open to the fact that your kid might be gay and that you’d be fine with that, you have nothing to lose from doing that. If your kid is LGBTQ they will be more comfortable telling you, and if they’re straight they will still have that feeling that you love them regardless of how they choose to live their life.
I would have dropped many not-so-subtle hints that they can share anything they want with me. I'd probably make a few comments about certain men being attractive to see how he reacts.
I say things like maybe someday your wife “or husband” whichever one will do xyz…it’s my way of leaving the door open to a conversation that I am okay and understanding that people can like either or both.
From stories I've read, it can go wrong if you tell them you know before they come out. Sometimes they aren't ready to have it out in the open, so you are forcing them to come out before they are ready. Sometimes they may not have figured it out properly for themselves yet.
This was a big thing for him, he said he had anxiety about it, so he’s probably been working up to this for a while and gone through all different scenarios in his head. And your response of yeah, I know, probably felt like a bit of an anti-climax. He’s worked himself up for something that actually wasn’t a big deal.
Maybe just let him know you didn’t say anything because it wasn’t your place, and you didn’t want assume anything or pressure him. You knew he’d say something when he was ready. You love and support him.
This is my thinking. He was expecting either a blow up or an emotional reaction but dad was unsurprised so he didn't get a huge cathartic experience. He may have been in denial or unaware when you saw the signs and if you had asked him then, it could've gone badly. Reassure him that your feelings haven't changed and you're there for him no matter what. He'll come around :)
ETA: NAH
NTA
Kids are hard. With my step-daughter we had as you said clues. But clues are not a rock solid certainty. If you had brought it up and asked, and he wasn't gay.... It a bit of a no win. He also seems to have been looking for you to be outraged so he could be hurt. You weren't outraged but seems like he's still trying to make you the bad guy, Just be there for him, ask him a few questions, he's looking for some acknowledgement from you that if being gay makes life rough for him you are going to support him.
Yeah - with some teens especially, they build up the idea of a big dramatic coming out where they have to defend themselves against the world. It's seen as sort of a rite of passage almost, and when they're "denied" the drama they've built up for, it can be sort of strangely distressing? Give him some time OP, haha. As he grows he will be more appreciative of the quiet acceptance. Maybe you can up the drama factor but in a positive way? Surprise celebration dinner? Something more than a "yeah, I figured" might go over better with some kids.
My brother absolutely went through this phase when he came out. It was because of peers and being left out of the same struggles that they were having. He eventually grew up more and found a partner whose family is a total disaster. He is very appreciative of the simple love and acceptance my family gives now.
From another perspective, it can be really hard to know from the kids perspective. You have to remember that LGBTQ kids are under attack right now and our culture in general is regressing and it's scary.
My dad just kind of shrugged and said OK when I came out, but that was actually worse than my mom being vocal about her (negative) feelings. I knew my dad wasn't happy about it. Not that I expected happiness, but even if he'd expressed some disappointment it would have been easier.
He raised me. I knew his feelings about homosexuality. So for him to just shrug felt like it was something he just never wanted to talk about again, which, again, was worse than my mom who wanted to talk about it. At least with my mom I could defend myself.
My parents are both now very supportive and loving and seem to not even think about it. But my mom got there a lot faster than my dad just because his silence created a bit of a wall between us for several years.
People also forget what casual homophobia is and how you can unknowingly harm lgbtq kids.
For me, before coming out I knew my dad would unhappy with it because of comments like “carpet munchers” (lesbian slur/insult). When I did come out he said “stick with guys/men” multiple times despite that fact I have very little interest in men.
NAH. I say this as a gay man who overthought every part of the coming out process. Saying I knew is a less than perfect move and probably a little cold as you said, especially in the immediate moments after. However, his reaction of “you should have said something” is weird too. Feels like there would have been drama either way.
It’s not your place to push someone out of the closet. You may know, but you don’t know where they are in terms of accepting it themselves. It’s a touchy subject to bring up and the damage of bringing it up when they aren’t ready is tough to repair. You may figure it out on your own (browser history doesn’t lie. Haha!) and it will make it easier to prepare for this moment, but the right move is to let them tell you, however it comes about.
You say it's cold but there are stories of people finding it comforting. Weird to judge when there's no way to know the perfect way to reach
If you say “I always knew,” some people will find it comforting. Others will find it painful, insulting, or upsetting (and in my experience, this is a good amount of people).
But there are very few people, if any, who could only be comforted by “I always knew.”The comfort really comes from the sentiment of “I love you just the same” or “this changes nothing between us.”
So if you just choose to say one of those comforting things instead, no one loses. You’re still comforting anyone who needs that reassurance. And you’re not potentially hurting anyone who would not appreciate being told “I always knew.” It’s a no-brainer.
There’s also nothing that says you can’t let them know later on that you always knew, if it seems like they’d appreciate it. Let people have their coming-out moment and get a read on the situation.
I may have been less than perfect in my word choice. Such is life on the internet. And there’s no perfect way to handle any situation because I can’t know how two internet strangers interact.
But I personally believe in the immediate moment of coming out, waiting to let them ask “did you know before I told you?” rather than volunteering that you figured it out before they told you is the less risky and more sensitive to the moment option.
i jump the chance to ask you a question: what would be the approriate response in OPs case?
or in any case. a while ago, a coworker came out as gay to me and told me they're dating another person i know. i was just like: oh, good to hear, you are happy with someone. and that was it.
I think the relationship really determines the response. I think in the child coming out to parent conversation the ideal response is “I love you no matter who you are or who you love” acceptance, reassurance nothing changes, some “I may not get everything right, but I’m going to do my best and learn as we go” words, and obviously reading the room to see what else needs to be said.
For your situation with your coworker, as someone who hates being the center of attention - that was perfect. I learned after I came out, a well meaning coworker had to be talked out of bringing in rainbow cupcakes to a staff meeting a few days after I came out publicly.
I think I’d still be blushing and embarrassed all these years later had that happened.
thank you for your answer. i hope your coworker still brought cupcakes just not rainbow colored ones.😂
I obviously can't speak for the entire queer community, everyone is different. What I wanted/needed when coming out to my parents was not just a simple "okay, I accept you, let's move on to a different topic" but for them to actually show acceptance and interest in learning about this part of me that was very difficult to reveal to them. Because of how long I built up the courage to come out, I wanted to keep taking about in a positive way for a bit. Both for me to see if/how much they would accept it, and for them to learn what it is and means for me (especially because my sexuality is not a particularly well known, and I was correct in assuming they did not know anything about it yet). Basically, my advice for people whose kids come out to them is to instantly show their acceptance and then ask if they want to talk a bit about it.
But then again, coming out to close friends or family is different from coming out to coworkers or people I talk to less frequently. With them, a casual acceptance is great!
Thank you for putting into words why my coming out to my parents still hurts even though they were like “we still love you” and all that. I kind of wanted them to put in the extra effort in getting to know and love me and they haven’t.
thank you for your answer.
i always wonder, what the appropriate response would be. at the end, it makes no difference to me, if someone is gay or not. and then, im afraid that im not enthusiastic enough about the news and may hurt my friends/coworkers feelings. 😂
As a non-queer person: "I already knew" is dismissive. Son felt this was a big deal, and dad's response was "meh." Even if dad knew, he should have acknowledged that it was a big deal to his son, and treated it as one.
“I already knew” really is a disguised “I deducted based on judging you off of stereotypes”.
sometimes when someone replies with “i know” to coming out because it takes away from it. It’s hard to put into words but when i came out i had people who said they already knew and it felt like it was minimising things. I’d spent so long mulling over it and trying to work up the courage to come out that it stung to hear someone brush it off. It doesn’t mean they are brushing it off, but emotions are always running very high when you come out and that sometimes makes you take things badly when nothing is really meant by it
NAH, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just keep showing your support and you’ll be fine
That goes for pretty much all announcements too. Don't say "I knew it" if someone announces anything major in their life, even if you did anticipate it.
definitely agree, it’s always best to let someone have the moment of announcing something for themselves
From my own experience and that of friends, depending on the acceptance levels of where they are, it can also feel dangerous - if you say "this is something that could be dangerous for me if people find out but I trust you enough to tell you" and the response is "I know," it can feel like they're saying you've been walking around with a huge target on your back and everyone can tell and it's only a matter of time before someone less accepting acts on that.
NTA
I'm gay. And I can explain this.
It takes a lot, A LOT, to make that decision to come out to someone, especially family.
Some people take years to do it. Others just never find the courage / opportunity.
And it can cause a lot of anxiety.
There are a lot of kids out there who face homophobia at home.
Some get sent to gay conversion camps.
Some get kicked out of their homes.
Some get disowned.
Some get beaten up.
Some even get killed.
All by their own families.
So it takes A LOT to come out.
Your son is letting out a lot of pent up anxiety. He's like a coiled spring that never got the chance to uncoil.
What you did was to wait for him to come to you. And that is probably the best way to do it.
But he has all that nervous energy and it was all for nothing.
So he needs to vent it out.
Let him release. Give him a chance to do that.
Don't take anything to heart because he just needs to feel his feelings.
Agree and endorse this as a gay man as well. It’s a mental gymnastics of trying to justify the anxiety you felt during the build up.
Do you mean NAH then, since no one is the Asshole here?
I didn't realize that there was a difference.
NTA means that the OP is not the asshole while the other person is. NAH means no assholes here.
Yeah, a lot of people don't, which affects the votes, so NTA still wins even if everyone agrees that there are no assholes in the situation. The bot can only count based on what we tell it.
NAH. It was a very big secret in his head, with potentially devastating consequences. You really hope your dad will keep loving you when you come out, but even when the relationship is great, you're never sure.
Once that big secret is finally shared, it can feel a little anticlimactic, so maybe it was just that. Plus, he 'll probably be a bit worried that if you knew, everyone else also sees it and he might be wondering what's giving him away.
You didn't react horribly and he' ll be okay. It's just a big, stressful thing to go through for a young kid.
NTA your son went through a stressful situation and realised that it could've been avoided if you told him before hand. Just clarify to him that you wanted to give him his time to come out how he wants to and that you're sorry that he was scared that you wouldnt be accepting
NTA. Instead of wondering about what you should have done, move forward. Ask your son to communicate with you about his anxieties and how he would like you to communicate with him. Explain that you are both navigating whole new things now and even Dads don't always get it right. Reinforce your love and acceptance. Good luck!
This isn’t you or him. It’s just a sensitive time for everyone. Nobody is right or wrong.
Did you have a talk with him after you notice the signs, you accepted him anyway he is?
That your love is unconditional? That you will always be there for him and you love him no matter what.
If you did not then yeah it kind of missed a beat there.
Because coming out can be extremely anxiety inducing. People get killed coming out to their families. It happens.
And so often hear stories about family, surprising them and kicking them out.
That's a lot to fear.
I understand not wanting to say anything until you felt your son was ready to. But there arw things you could have told him, that would have shown him that you were okay with him being gay.
NAH. Coming out, especially if you're younger is scary. You could come from a very accepting family but you're playing worst case scenarios in your head. He might have been bummed that you didn't open up to him sooner and alleviate that crazy, internal monologue. We can't expect children to process and make the same decisions as fully formed adults.
The great news is you've got plenty of time and there's nothing stopping you from going back to him, listening, and even apologize if you feel the need. Now isn't the time for pride. You got this!
These types of reveals are always deeply one-sided. He had been preparing for this moment for quite some time. He’d done his speech over many times and likely created an ideal scenario for how it would play out.
However for the other side, it’s a sudden rush of information. There is no preparation, time to absorb or even necessarily a ‘correct’ response.
You didn’t make a mistake, it simply didn’t align with the moment they may have imagined.
NAH.
NTA, The best you could do is drop subtle hints that you support LGBT people, but beyond that it's up to him to come out.
No one is an asshole here. Just like he didn’t know what to say or when to say it, you didn’t know if you should say something, how, when etc. It wasn’t your news to break and just remind him that you love him and just didn’t say anything because you knew he would tell you when and if he ever wanted to. Parents forget their parents are just grown up kids and don’t know exactly how everyone would want every situation handled.
this is so well-said! majority of my homosexual/bisexual friends received the “i know” response when they came out (they were said very kindly, of course) and their response was a sigh of relief, because it took so many years to build the courage to come out but their identity was already loud and clear to their loved ones, so they had nothing to worry about after all!
maybe his son had pictured the perfect response from his father and was disappointed when the response wasn’t exactly how he imagined. i remember when i was a teen, i’d get mad when the scenarios i made up in my head didn’t actually play out, so this could be what his son was thinking.. but like everyone else said, its not the father’s place to push his son out of the closet, and i think he responded the best way he knew how! so many positive coming out stories have the “i know” responses so maybe that’s just what the dad learned and was ready to say. i hope they can talk this out together and figure it out. its such a special moment and his son shouldn’t look back on this memory with anger 🩷
When someone finally tells you the massive secret they’ve been grappling with for a while, saying “here’s a list of times you slipped up and nearly revealed yourself” is not what anyone wants to hear. Why would you trot out the whole list like that? Now he’s realizing that he hasn’t been as subtle as he thought and maybe you’re not the only one who picked up on it.
I don’t think he really means that you should have pointed out that he might have been gay before this, because he likely would have been mortified. But right now he’s not thinking clearly because his nerves are high and he’s panicking.
Just talk to him, gently, when he’s ready. Meet him where he is. NAH
When someone discloses something very very personal that is known to be a massive turning point in their lives, it's generally in good taste to not say "I knew it". This goes for coming out, pregnancy announcements, divorce announcements, etc. That's never going to be how a person envisions the experience going and they take a lot of time playing it out in their head to feel an important sense of control over the situation.
NAH. Maybe you could have used other words, but you didn't say that with malicious intent. He's probably been feeling stressed with figuring out his sexuality and then having to tell you. You should be honest and simply tell him that you didn't want to stereotype him and that he's the only one that could have figured out his sexuality
NAH
I want to give some perspective for why the son might feel the way he did since most people are just focusing on why you were fine.
Did you ever make it clear to him growing up that if he was gay you’d be fine with it? Both of my parents separately said this to both me and my brother when we were in our early teens, they had no idea of either of us were but it was a reassurance that if we were gay, we didn’t have to worry about their reaction. If you were already pretty sure about him, did you actually ever assure him in advance?
Additionally, it’s an incredibly anxiety provoking moment! Even if you are 95% sure your family will react positively, it is still very very stressful and scary. Some people who react by immediately jumping in with “I knew! I noticed all these signs!” do a couple of things. 1) it makes it about them and how clever they are, rather than the person coming out. 2) it can sometimes feel like ridiculing the person for thinking it was a secret or undermine their anxiety. Not saying these things were you or your intentions, but this can sometimes be the unintentional effect of this know-it-all response.
I’m not sure straight people will ever truly understand how nauseatingly nerve wrecking that conversation can be. I don’t think you were in the wrong, I fully believe you had the best intentions - but I have read hundreds of these exact stories on this sub and I wish people would take a second to recognise that it’s clearly not a reaction that makes lgbtq people feel supported, even if you mean it well.
NTA. If you’d called him out you could’ve embarrassed him before he was ready that way. Sounds like a no win. Not your fault.
Hey, as someone who came out as bi to my parents,I can understand why he felt disappointed by your lack of meanness. It took me 5 years to tell my parents I was bi (I knew since I was 14). They always made homophobic comments and would be mean to gay people. When I came out I was expecting them to yell at me or punish me. They didn't.
I am not saying you said bad things and made him scared of your reaction. I mean that (in MY experience) it took me so long to get the courage to speak that when they didn't had the bad emotions I was expecting, I felt mad that it took me years of confusion and fear to be comfortable with myself!
NTA
NAH. As a gay boy who also just recently came out to my family, what you said wasn't really bad, but it is a bit diminishing to your son. Like I get you were trying to be like yes I knew and I support you like I always have. But to your son this is probably something he's struggled with for a while, and him coming out was probably a really big moment for him, so he probably feels bad about it.
imo it's not really a big deal, and he will get over it and may even eventually find it funny, but for now he's probably just a bit upset. Give him time, it'll be fine.
He will get over it/ your reaction could have been much worse
NTA, tell him you were waiting until he was ready to tell you. If my mom asked if I was bi, I’d still lie to her and say no. Even though she really doesn’t care
NAH. Your son is young and scared, so it’s understandable, but he’s also wrong. You should not have told him he was gay. You could have (and maybe did) made it clear that you think gay people are valid, and showed that you support them, but that’s your whole job on that.
Getting comfortable, navigating coming out, all those things are your son’s job, and you can’t do it for him. He’ll figure that out.
nta. its not your responsibility to force him out. you didn’t know if he was ready and it seemed like you were respecting that he seemed like he wasn’t ready to talk about it
NAH, it was a tense moment for him, it was difficult, and your response didn't help, but it's not your fault.
NTA you gave him space to come out on his own terms.
NAH.
coming out is hard and it can feel a bit shit in that emotional moment to essentially be told that there was no point in being anxious because the other person already knew. it’s all that build up and fear for a “yeah, i know”, which can feel a bit shit
on the other hand, you accepted him and reassured him you still love him!
both are you are chill
i don't think you are the asshole, but be mindful that coming out is pretty hard. your son is being very brave, and you are being a supportive dad. this is what matters at the moment. be there for him, listen to him, support him. let him know that you love him regardless and that you understand that this is really important for him. let him know you appreciate that he put his trust in you and opened up about his sexuality, which is not a given. i understand that you knew/expected this already, but it is still a milestone for him so make it clear that you know this and you are there for him throughout it all.
It’s a highly emotional time. For all we know, he has been practicing in his head for dismissive, rejection. I can’t even comprehend the emotions he’s going through right now
A therapy session in a controlled environment will help with emotional registrations, thereafter you joining to show that yes you have known but your love will never change as you’ve said etc. neutral grounds. Healing therapy.
But it’s not for you to put someone. Don’t be mad at him. He’s fragile, he just needs some support.
NAH. His emotions and hormones are all over the places. You did nothing wrong. Now is the time to be stronger together
Maybe he’s worried that he “acts gay”.
NTAH, but for other parents in the future stick to 'thank you for telling me'. They'll probably ask at some point, but let it be about them.
I have a gay daughter who technically never came out to me; and I knew. I think you simply accepted him as he is, like I did my daughter. NTA. Let him know that you regret that he stressed over it; you just accepted him as he was. If he can’t drop it after that then it’s either an attention grab or he may be having trouble accepting himself? Therapy may be in order. Be well to your family.
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My son came out as gay yesterday on his birthday. After he came out, I said that I knew, then he mentioned a few key moments that gave away he liked boys and said that I love him and always will, but he seems to be hurt, and said that coming out gave him anxiety, and that I should have said that I knew he was gay. is there something wrong with me? maybe I could be the AH for being cold in my response. I’m not sure🤔
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA You knew but you also knew it’s his place to come out on his own terms. You telling him you thought he was gay could just as well caused anxiety and denial if he wasn’t ready to admit it. You love him and always will, that’s the important part
Nta it wouldn't be appropriate to just go up to your kid and say I think you're gay or whatever. I wouldn't have liked that if my parents did it. Fortunately but unfortunately when I was trying to hide a hickey on my neck and my mom said why are you wearing that weird necklace (something I wouldn't normally wear) my idiot friend piped up and said cause she has a hickey. My mom said from who Jared? and idiot friend said Noooo Katherine. 🙄 I guess it took the pressure off me telling them. But my parents said they figured so but just didn't ask.
NTA
It is important to let people come out on their own terms and in their own time. I would never be all "you seem kinda gay tbh" to a child in my life.
I would talk to them about wanting them to be ready to come out and making that determination on their own.
But maybe be more openly accepting, such as attending pride with them or something that would sooth that hurt.
I think NTA, but I your sons feelings are what they are. I'm not sure there is any way you could have known in advance what the right approach was going to be. In hindsight, I guess you could have said something to the effect of accepting and supporting him no matter whom he chose to love.
All you can do now is continue to show your support and just recognize that his sexuality is not about you and not get upset with how he felt about coming out.
NTA - as other have said I'm sure his headspace was "I got all worked up about this and it all could have been avoided if you already knew"... bit at the same time there was no way you could have told him you knew (and if he really wasn't ready to tell you he probably would have denied it anyway!)
I'd say he's probably just venting all the stress that's built up leading to his coming out... it can be such a relief to finally say it out loud, but so many emotion will have been bottling themselves up along with his "secret" so it just need to work itself out... give him some time and I'm sure it will all settle down.
Sounds like you said all of the right thing, just continue being there for him through this transition and you'll both do just fine ❤️
NTA. As a bisexual myself, if any of my relatives would just straight up come to me and say "Hey I know you're gay;)" or "I've noticed some things in you and I guess you're gay, right?" THAT would be weird and hurtful. Sexuality is personal. Even if one assumes someone's sexuality, they still shouldn't expose their thoughts to this person until the person decides that they feel comfortable enough to come out.
My dad told me the same thing when I came out, and I felt a little pissy about it, too. BUT it was a fleeting, temporary feeling. It felt like my anxiety was all for nothing, but once I simmered down, I realized that reaction was silly. Give him some time to get his head on straight (pun intended) and it’ll be fine.
You did it right. Things just didn't go how he games them in his head and he's not quite sure how to deal with that. Give him some time and just reiterate that his preferences don't make him any less your son than he ever was.
I don’t think you did anything inappropriate! If nothing else, you confirmed to him that you never loved him less, no matter what! How would you have even brought this up? I mean, that could have been very awkward! That was for him to do in his time. I think it was probably so stressful for him that he thinks it could have saved him much anxiety! Either way, he should just be happy it’s over with now!
When I came out to my grandparents and my grandpa (who raised me he was my dad) said he knew I was relieved. Coming out can give anxiety but I would rather tell my parents when I'm ready then for then to be like I already knew
Some queer kids get amped up expecting a huge to-do about coming out so they feel let down by a ‘Meh’ reaction.
Give him some time. He’ll be fine. Both of you will be laughing about it soon enough.
He is possibly just a bit upset as he thought he was hiding it and now realises that it wasn't as well hidden as he had thought.
If he was anxious about coming out when he thought he had power over it being known, maybe he is now a bit more anxious after coming out because he realises people other than you might have noticed something too. Essentially meaning he has lost what little control he had over sharing something so personal to him.
Best thing to do is to ask him. It sounds as if you have a decent enough relationship if he felt comfortable enough coming out to you, so just ask him why your knowledge of it (or at least admitting that knowledge of it) hurt him so that you can understand better.
Ultimately he is probably in a fragile state at the moment. He has likely deliberated and worried about coming out for a long time and now it has happened, all of that nervous energy doesn't just suddenly go away. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open. He may just take a little while to become comfortable being "openly" gay, which would be perfectly normal.
Wondering, too, if maybe you didn’t feel compelled to say anything prior because it didn’t affect your relationship in any way whatsoever? I hope you two reconnect soon. 🌈🏳️🌈But he probably needed acknowledgment and support re: the major step he planned for his own birthday. 🐦🔥Phoenix moment?
NTA. If your child is choosing to come out, that is their choice! You asking them and essentially outing them before they may be ready? Not cool. I mean maybe you could have worded it differently by saying you had suspicions but knew it wasn’t your place to say anything until he was ready? But you were right in not saying anything until he was ready to talk about it.
I think it’d be a good conversation to have an apology for how you went about it. But also explain that it was his and only his choice on when he was ready to tell you, so while you figured that was what was going on, you love, respect and trust him to know when it’s right for him to talk about things so you did not want to say anything.
You raised him that way.
NTA. I think that honestly it’s just a moment he probably built up so much in his head that anything happening other than how he imagined would cause feelings of anxiety. As long as you’re supportive and showing him love, I’m sure he will move on from your response in due time and just be glad that he has a good support system. I’m kinda like that where I’m a “planner” and if a situation deviates from how pictured it can cause unpleasant feelings. With age and acceptance that I can’t control the reaction of others I have learned to overcome this and he likely will too.
My son came out and we said that was okay and we loved him. Later, I found out that he had told his friends we would be very upset. It was a big moment for him so I think he wanted to stand up for himself. Everyone, aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and siblings all showed a calm and accepting reaction. He’s always been a favorite.
NTA. I got a really good response similar to yours from my mom and it was quite a contrast from my dad who was grudgingly accepting. I definitely preferred my mom's response. He'll get to hear some other coming out stories in the future and realize how lucky he is.
"tread water lightly" is a new one
NTA...there's no real way you could have confronted him with your knowledge prior to him coming out that wouldn't have made you an AH. He was likely still very confused about it himself etc...
The situation was SO stressful for him. My guess is that he was terrified of 100 possible negative responses, that could have cut him to his knees. NTA!
In that case, he was imagining every possible scenario, you could not have given a comforting answer.
But, wait for it. Just be his rock. Patient. Trust him to work it out — he’s really just a boy, in this circumstance. He WILL work it out. He’ll realize you were always there for him.
NTA. Some people want a big reaction when they come out, other people want a very casual and muted response. It’s a thing that can cause a lot of anxiety and there’s no real way to know how to handle it until the moment happens. Just keep supporting him, he’ll come around.
Directly telling your kid that you think they are gay is like telling someone that they are pregnant. They're probably going to know before you, there's probably a reason they haven't mentioned it yet if you're right, and if you're wrong it's going to go down badly.
Just make it clear that you are a safe and accepting person, even if that requires being a bit ham-fisted about it
OP, NAH. I remember when my grand niece, who lives in another country, came out. She thought her granties and gruncles (our goofy words) would reject her. Instead, everyone in our family told her we loved her just the way she is.
The only thing you could have done differently, would have been to say, I thought you might be, but wanted to wait until you were comfortable telling me. And, I only care that you get to live a happy life.
NTA.
Most people would agree that your child needed to feel comfortable telling you in their own time and own way. And what if you had told him and you had been wrong?
Honestly he should be happy and touched at your response. I get that he was nervous about telling you, but this should be a happy tears moment!
I give upon your the queer prime directive “we do not tell queers they are queer, until they discover and ready to tell us.” I’d been hanging around trans people for more than a decade and even made multiple piece of very gender ducky art. My friend group sighed in relief when I came out. You were being a good ally and letting them discover themselves themself.
NTA - and I also get not saying anything - you didn’t know how he felt about and and obviously wasn’t ready to come out. I get that it would have made it easier for him, but he should be relieved that you know and you support him.
Oh, no. He has to be selfconfident enough to Say Who he Is, no matter what. He's responsible for himself, no AITA here. Too Easy if someone else tell you Who you are. When I told my ex that I though he was gay It was a family tragedy, but After two years he admitted I was right. You couldn't Say your son that you knew It. The most important thing Is that you let him FREE to decide when It was the right time to come out, 'cos you couldn't be sure if he was ready even to be onest with himself. You gave him Freedom to come out when he was sure enough. If he reacted not that good to you saying you have already known, ask him WHY he needed a different reaction.
NAH. This reminds me of a scene from Ted Lassoo where it sounds like maybe you didn't make a big deal about it because you wanted to be supportive. "Who cares that Jo Blo is gay?" is kind of what we're taught as a society, but this is not Jo Blo, it's your son, and you should care. Which it sounds like you were trying to say but by downplaying it maybe he felt that you were dismissing it. I think whether or not your child is Gay shouldn't be a big deal, but if your child is Gay that is a big deal because it's a part of them that they've been hiding for years.
“We suffer more in the imagination than in the reality”. I’m a single Dad of 2 boys, I waited several years until they were teens to come out to them and my family. Turns out my kids knew many years ago but they waited for me to bring it up. There is some regret not telling them earlier. I have also been outed to someone else before I was ready and that was extremely stressful. What I would say is you understood coming out is a very personal thing and you felt you shouldn’t take that from them. I hope I have always made you feel like I’d love you no matter what, if not I’m sorry for that.
It sounds like an emotional minefield.
NTA, the standard protocol is not to say anything. Usually supportive parents are best just making LGBTQ positive remarks or even putting something queer forward on tv to show your support passively. VERY rarely is it a good idea to tell them you know first and can lead to horrible consequences. You did the right thing in that regard.
Tell your son that you read that it is best to leave your kid to come out in their own time. That you are sorry if you did anything to give him anxiety or make him feel scared to tell you and that him being gay doesn't change a damn thing between you two.
Now telling him you knew, yeh that can make a gay kid feel exposed, vulnerable, and like they weren't able to hide it. Sometimes the closet walls can be a comfort when you want to be the one who decided who does and does not know and when. Feeling like that control isn't there can be upsetting adding to an already anxious state. It was also a much bigger deal to him than you, so you should have made it a big deal in a positive way. Being the odd one out always will have it's issues, even if society is more accepting, so get the kid a rainbow coming out cake! Seriously, do something fun and laugh together!
No man you not the asshole. Your good.
NAH. Tell him that you are sorry you didn’t start the conversation sooner, but you wanted to give him space to tell you when he was ready. It wasn’t your place to “out” him and it came from a place of respect. Thank him for trusting you now to know his whole identity, hug him plenty, and keep moving forward.
NTA. My parents asked me if I was gay when I was 17. I went ahead and took the opportunity because I was terrified to come out, but I also felt violated because they kind of forced my hand before I was truly ready. So you're not in the wrong for not asking him first. Coming out is such an emotionally complex and uncomfortable experience, so I think he's just processing all of that.
NTA. Maybe you could explain to him that as far as you understood, most gay people want to come out when they are ready and you didn’t want to pressure him into admitting it is he wasn’t ready (assuming this is the reason why you didn’t say anything sooner). Most importantly, make sure he knows how proud you are of him for overcoming the anxiety and telling you and being true to himself.
NTA, when i came out to my mom she laughed and said “oh i know, you really thought i couldn’t tell?” and told me she and my dad had talked about it before. that was ~9 years ago, at the time i was offended but now i think its funny
NTA idk how you can make that assumption to the point where you ask your child if they are.
You wanted to give your son the space to come out in his own good time.
The main thing is you showed him love and support.
NTA
NAH, but maybe I can explain where he might be coming from. I think it's one or both of:
- He was, as he said, really anxious about coming out, maybe for a long time, and he feels like he could have been spared that if you'd told him you knew.
- He thought he was hiding it successfully, and it was an unpleasant shock to find out he wasn't. (Not just the mortification of finding out that one's "secrets", aren't--but because it could mean that people who are homophobic could also "clock" him.)
I don't think it's an unsalvageable mistake or anything, but it's a perspective to consider. Especially if anyone else comes out to you in the future. I'm not saying, you know, make a big performance of being shocked, but maybe leave out the "oh yeah I already knew" bit.
NAH. You were trying to be supportive, and missed the mark a little for what he needed - but you’re not a mind reader.
For him, this was massive, anxiety-producing, and possibly news that was going to blow up his life and relationships. He’s young and he didn’t have the words to tell you how seriously he needed you to take it, or to step you through what kind of response he would have found supportive.
You don’t have a Time Machine and this can be repaired without one. Personally I’d start with an acknowledgment that it must have take a great deal of courage and a massive leap of faith to let you know. I’d also pair it with an apology that you didn’t get your initial reaction right and that there are some things you’ll need to learn together, but you want to emphasise that you love him, and who he loves won’t change that.
I’ve suspected one of my kids could possibly be gay since they were very young. I don’t know for sure but it’s not out of the realms. I have spent both my kids’ lives talking about when they get older and have “a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, if that’s what happens” just as a matter of course so they’re aware that I’m aware it could be a possibility and am accepting of that. I don’t imagine that will necessarily make things easier if a coming-out day comes but will hopefully have set the scene for them to understand they’ll be accepted. But hindsight is 20/20 and…again, you don’t have a Time Machine. Just love your kid now and try to work it out together. Sending best wishes.
Nta.
You didn't say anything because it wasn't your place to do so. His sexuality isn't your business until he decides to share it with you. He now has. Yes this was hard for him to do but that is a milestone for him that he had to cross for himself
Not the asshole.
NTA - when my brother came out we had said we were wondering when you’d tell us, he told us on Christmas Day at the table it was him my mother me and our other 4 siblings. We all knew and had been saying for years wonder when he’ll tell us. He laughed about it and still laughs now about how he was worried our brothers would dislike him because of it but they knew for years and of course no one cared his happiness is all that mattered but we just wanted him to know we didn’t care. He always jokes now about how much stress he felt and there was all of us just waiting for years for him to say. He said it made it easier when he was telling us.
NTA. When I told my mom back when I was 18, she said she knew, as well, and in retrospect, I could see how she created an environment in which I was free to be who I was without judgment or issues with my dad or siblings. She was way more prepared for the convo than I was.
Your son’s reaction is normal and has nothing to do with you. It takes a lot of mental prep to tell someone like a parent that you’re gay, because you don’t know the reaction until it’s received, and there’s a lot riding on what can happen to the parent/child relationship if things don’t go well, so he was likely just working through his emotions.
You handled everything perfectly fine, and your reaction was . Give him any space he may need and offer to talk with him more if or when he’s ready. You sound like you’re a great dad, so just let him know you love him no matter what and he can talk to you about and he’ll come around in no time.
Good on you, Dad!
You can try "Yes, I figured it out a while ago because of these indicators, but you didn't mention it, so I figured you weren't ready to tell me. I decided to just let you know I love you, no matter what, and gay, straight, whatever doesn't change that for me at all. And I knew you'd tell me when you were ready, in your own time, in your own way. YOUR sexual orientation is not MY story to tell. It's yours. So I didn't say anything. "
You could have phrased it better or just complete left it. "I thought you were subtly hinting at it over the years to make it easier for me to understand. All I need to understand is that you are my son, and I will always love and support you. I'm proud of you for not fearing to be who you are."
You've said what is important, like love. He probably feels some type of way cause "if you knew" then he wouldn't have felt alone in his discovery or anxious in coming out to you. So that's definitely hurtful to hear. Maybe saying "I'm proud you found yourself. And know that you should feel comfortable to talk to me about anything. I'm sorry that I made you feel alone." Or something like that...
for me, NHA.
I understand that for gay men the dynamic of coming out specially to their father can be scary and I think that's what your son meant when he said "you should have said something". He probably was scared of your reaction as his father and you saying something before probably could have taken away that anxiety for him. Perhaps you two could have a longer conversation about why he thought or felt that way? Do you think that along the years you may have given signs that it wouldn't be "okay"? (like homophobic jokes or smth idk). If not, then just reassure him that you wanted to wait until he confirmed and was ready to share that with you and of course let him know that you love him. Also, to add to the send of normalcy, I think is important that you ask him questions about his love life - is he seeing someone? how did he realized? etc It's not only about being accepting but also caring, right? I gues.
NTA. It wasn’t your place to say to him at some point that you knew he was gay. It was up to him to come out when he was ready once he was sure and understood his feelings. You should not feel guilty
Definitely NTA - you were respectful and intended to be kind. Maybe not the best phrasing but that’s forgivable.
I would just say sorry if you hurt his feelings, you were just trying to show that you love and respect who he is.
Because asking, out of the blue, "son, are you gay?" never results in drama or a denial.
NTA
What is the big deal about "Coming Out" BFD. No one cares about your sexual orientation. We care about your character. Are you going to be a upstanding member of the community ? A honest & loyal employee ? Or are you going to be a jerk an wave your sexuality (that is no bodies business but your own) in everyone's face. It sounds like your son wanted drama. Was upset he didn't get it.
NAH.
Usually it is frowned upon to straight up tell a person: "hey, I know you are gay". Even if it comes from good intentions, it can be disruptive. You either have to admit something you're not ready to admit or you have to lie to a loved one and feel ashamed. Not only about the lie, but also about being gay in itself: by telling lies about it, you reinforce to yourself that it is a bad and shamefull thing.
I know some people find it reassuring if their coming out is followed by an "i knew that already". Me, I hated that response with a vengeance. Realizing who you are (and accepting it) is such a personal thing, it is weird when others make it look like it was written all over your face the whole time. As if this person was able to acces my deepest secret and already play with that vulnerable part of me in their minds before I myself would even allow it in my mind.
Talk to your son. Like others have said, he probably worked himself up to tell you and feels empty now that this hurdle has passed in an anticlimactic way. Ask him why he would have wanted you to out him. Listen to him, and whatever hurt he still has about the situation, I am sure you can find a way to better that together.
Lesbian here. I wonder if your son maybe worried that you didn’t see him, or weren’t paying attention. He is probably scared and worried and confused, and what he wanted was for somebody to see his gayness. It may not be about you, but him being scared about what it even means to be read as gay, or anxiety about navigating his identity. You are an easy target for frustration, but it sounds like you did great. Gay kids have our own stuff, but just like any other kid, they sometimes lash out and get confused and don’t know what they are mad about. Good luck!
No, he’s just trying to be a victim by making you the bad guy. Your not the ass hole here lol
Honestly, it would have been awful if you had told him "I noticed x and think you're gay. Is it the case?" before he was ready to talk about it openly. Yes, it took him a lot of courage to come out, but it's still way better than being forced to. It takes time to acknowledge and accept this part of ourselves, so it might even have confronted him and made him furious at you.
Our sexuality is our own to discover; you just respected his own rythm in his dicovery. NTA
You did nothing wrong. Your son just did something that causes a lot of stress and confusing feelings he probably doesnt know how he feels about anything. Honestly short of reading his mind there is no way to have reacted better. Just give him a hug, tell him sorry you were just waiting for him because this is his truth and it is important for you to reapect that and just reiterate your love for him and ask if he wants ice cream. NTA you are doing a fine dad job.
Ntah. He’s not a father and possibly never will be. Until he is and he has a son, his feelings are just that. His. Don’t feel bad because he didn’t get the reaction he wanted
NTA
My mom did what your son requested. She was confident I was gay and wanted to assure me that it was ok. Unfortunately, I was not gay. Still am not.
Her reasoning made it worse. See, I didn't date any girls until late in my jr year in HS. Somehow she was convinced that my non-dating through 10th grade was a sure sign I was gay. And! My best friend was a dude, so of course.
That did not help my self confidence or hope for dating anytime soon.
Not that the situations are alike but you do take a risk in initiating that conversation.
NTA You waited until he was ready which was the right thing to do. I think especially as a single father you should just roll forward. Apologize and let him know you wanted to give him the space to tell you when ready. Hug him and remind him how much you love him. Be sure to take him to your local pride parade.
I waited until my son came out to me, too. I knew from when he was a small child, but I felt it was something he should tell me when he was ready. I didn't want to push.
Totally NTA. Coming out is a huge deal for an LGBT kid. There's a lot of different thoughts as to whether or not a parent should encourage "the discussion". The thing is that people don't have a way of knowing if their child is ready to discuss it. If you know they're gay and see they're having problems with it, I think it'd be very OK to bring it up and give them support. But just as often as it's a good thing to bring up, it's better not to and allow the kid time to mentally accept it himself. Some LGBT people believe it's a "coming of age" moment for an LGBT kid that they shouldn't be deprived of, others may think differently. As long as there's love and acceptance, there's no wrong way.
If your son feels hurt, simply tell him you're sorry you didn't know he would have liked you to bring it up and that you thought he might not be ready to talk about it himself. Then just reassure him everything is fine and take it from there.
NAH you waited until he was ready. You could’ve (and very well may have) said things like I don’t care if you’re gay or straight bc you’re my son. Or I don’t care whether you marry a man or woman as long as you’re happy etc. but short of that you did fine. Hell if you pushed him too early he might’ve just became more defensive and insecure. Or on the flip side he could’ve just been effeminate and straight. You waited till he was ready and welcomed him with open arms. Some things in life are scary, it doesn’t mean your parent needs to do them for you.
NAH, as a gay child to parents who definitely knew. it sounds to me like he was really scared to tell you, and maybe if you had approached him first it would have relieved that fear a while ago. but you didn’t do anything wrong, letting him tell you in his own time is a perfectly fine thing to do.
but it sounds like that anxiety and fear is still very present, i think it might be a good idea to sit him down and just reiterate that you love him, and you didn’t bring it up becaus of xyz. most of all, just let him know that his sexuality doesn’t change anything and he’s still your kid.
How old is your son? Yes it matters.
NAH
It's scary for kids figuring out who they are, and he likely feels embarrassed that his anxiety was for nothing.
Sit him down. Tell him that firstly, you're sorry if you ever gave him the idea being gay was a dealbreaker.
That you're proud of him, and that you didn't consider how anxious he was, but you appreciate the strength it took to come out.
Pull him into a big ol hug and remind him you're in his corner for life.
Good luck!
give him some time. you handled it fine, but a lot of kids have anxiety about coming out for fear of how their parents will react. NAH
NAH. I think your response was rather anticlimactic for something your son considered earth-shattering. He may have thought you were dismissing him. It may not be important or significant to you, but it is to him. Reassure him that you understand this is a big deal to him.
My dad said the same thing when I came out.
Now, as an adult, it's a funny story.
At the time, it hurt, not least because I'd only just figured it out while he'd apparently known for a while. It felt almost like he'd kept a secret from me about myself. Which makes no sense in retrospect, but I was twelve, so.
NAH, but that moment should have been about him and his feelings, not what you thought you'd surmised about him. If you have any other kids and by way of that end up having this conversation again, I'd stick to letting them talk and only saying things like "I love you and support you no matter what."
NTA. I'm glad you told him you love him and always will. When I came out, I literally felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell someone. It's likely your son feels like he could have saved himself a lot of stress if he knew you knew. That being said, if you told him you knew before, he could be upset that you didn't let him come out on his own timeline. There's no easy answer here. Maybe you can double back and say you're sorry if he felt like he couldn't tell you sooner or if at any point he felt he couldn't come out to you before now, and tell him you're glad he felt safe coming out to you when he did.
It’s definitely not cool to ask or declare someone is gay just out of the blue. But, if someone comes out it kind of deflates them a bit to immediately say you knew. Even if you did, what purpose does it serve to tell them? Be proud they finally had the courage to do it and move on. I could see a comment like that creating more anxiety and a minor identity crisis as others in their life might also “know already”.
NTA but I feel the situation could’ve been handled more gracefully. As long as you support them you’re good, just a point of thought for you.
NTA
You did nothing wrong. You kept out of his business. You knew. It wasn't a big deal.
Maybe he worked himself up think it'd be a emotional thing? Either a bad thing. Or a good thing. Some social media sobfest?
I don't know what more you could do. You knew. It's fine.
I'm not entirely sure what he wants.
Tell him you love him and hug him? Show you care.
If he doesn't want genuine behaviour. What does he want.
This feels like more of a post for r/relationships to be honest.
NTA anyway, chances are he was just directing some of his anxiety at you. You did the right thing by letting him tell you in his own time.
Maybe he is a bit put out that you may have realised before him? Maybe he is worried that if you knew already then other people did too and he's worried about that? I've never been a gay male so am only guessing this is the kind of thing he may be thinking. Obviously you know him best, my point is that it may not be about you ultimately.
The important thing is to try and avoid making it about you (not saying you have) and just try and keep things normal. After a while he may want to talk to you more about it.
NAH. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your son still isn’t entirely comfortable with his sexuality so he is irrationally upset that he had to come out rather than you confronting him about it. He probably thinks it would have saved him the anxiety of coming out. In reality, he probably would have still had a lot of anxiety about you saying that you know he’s gay.
NAH, coming out is an emotional process and he likely feared the worst. but you didn’t do anything wrong
NTA. This was his news to give you, or to not. You don't out someone without their permission, so you did the right thing waiting for your son to tell you, and you had no way to know that your son would have wanted you to tell him that you had figured it out on your own.
I knew my son was gay, but I also said nothing. I told him that there were hints. I think you were fine.
NTA. I think that's a catch-22 situation. If you said something first, then you'd be accused of outing your son before he wanted to come out. You recognized that it's his choice to make the call on coming out. If you wait until he comes out but say you already knew, then you're accused of keeping quiet. If you pretend it's a surprise, then you're essentially lying by omission. I would give it some time. Is it a big moment in your son's life and I'm sure he's going through a lot of feelings. In hindsight, I hope he realizes that you saying you knew already and taking any issue with it was the most loving thing you could do.
NAH
No one's in the wrong here. I think your son just had a hard time getting up the courage to come out and was venting about the fear and anxiety.
What matters is you love him, and honestly I think you're in the right to let him come out to you when he's ready instead of asking him.
I don't think he's really upset with you either, I think he's just got a lot going on mentally and emotionally what with coming out in the first place.
Give it a day or two and talk to him I'm sure it'll work out. Fwiw you're a great dad it sounds like.
Saying you already knew makes the big secret he’s been holding seem like it’s not important.
That alongside all the effort he has made to hide it not actually doing so.
It doesn’t make sense, but that’s what it is.
Half of it is a moment of realising you were hiding someone that everyone else already knew. Speaking from experience.
Nah. Even though you may have known. It’s not your place to say something to him. Coming out is based on when that person is ready.
In retrospect, with how things went down - you might say to him “I’m sorry I caused you so much anxiety about coming out to me. It was never my intention for you to feel you could not be yourself. Even though I had a strong feeling you were gay, I thought it was best for you to come out on your own terms instead of mine. I should have said something earlier in your life like ‘I will love you know matter what you do or tell me. You’re my son and I’ll always be there for you’ to prevent you from any anxiety. I’m sorry and no matter what I’m proud of you and love you”.
A soft YTA.
Your son was probably looking to hear that you would support and accept him no matter what. He did not want to hear that you already knew his secret; that strikes me as an embarrassing and anxiety provoking situation, because if you knew, who else might have figured it out? It also makes the moment more about you and what you think and feel, and not about you accepting him and his feelings. It also raises the question of how you knew he was gay- was it based on observations or stereotypes?
The reason I say it’s a soft YTA is because I recognize that you were trying to be supportive, and it’s not the worst possible thing you could have said in this situation. Still, it would be worth a sit down to apologize; the impact hurt, even if you had no intention of harm.
NTA
No there isn’t anything wrong with you, that isn’t fair of him to blame you, suffering from anxiety but came out on his birthday? That’s making a big announcement. All this coming out palaver shouldn’t be on the basis of what an asshole you are or have been, he needs to get over himself, being gay is normal.
NTA -- this is a fairly common situation just recently... The baby gays hear stories about the trials we old homos went through, work themselves into a lather, and then their sails deflate when nothing happens. He'll get over the trauma of not being traumatized by his father's reaction before too long.
Good on you for being a compassionate human for whom his son coming out is not a big deal.
NAH. I feel like there is no "right" way to handle your child coming out. Some prefer to tell you in their own time and would feel rushed if you told them you know before they're ready. Some prefer you to tell them, so they aren't agonizing over the fear of coming out. I personally am raising my kids with phrases like "whoever you fall in love with" and "if you choose to have children," so the foundation of knowing I'll accept them is there.
I once had an awkward conversation with my baby brother, though. He hadn't dated in a long time and lived with his best friend from childhood. He had moved far away to live with said friend. Our parents are NOT accepting, and I wanted my brother to know I accepted him no matter what. I also suspected he and his friend may be together, and I didn't want him to feel like he had to hide anything from me. I know how my brother is, and knew he wouldn't he upset with me for asking, so I just.... asked lol. I asked if he and his friend were together, and told him that I don't care if they are, because I love him no matter what and just want him happy, healthy, and safe. He laughed and said no, that they were just friends, and he hadn't dated for a while because he was too busy to dedicate the time to a relationship. I made sure he knows I love him no matter what, as long as he's a good person, and we now joke about it sometimes. I told his fiancé the story, and she laughed about it, too.
NTA. You were respectful. Respectful of his right to decide. Both when and where to share. You were respectful of him. And who he is.
You would have been an AH. If you pushed it before he was ready. The most respectful thing. Even if you think you know. Is to wait for the individual to say it.
As a gay man, you did the right thing... we have been empowering the lgbt to come out for so long with the caution flag in case of rejection, that we have forgotten a new side effect that developed with the education about our community... automatic parental acceptance that turns the stress a kid feels about coming out into a letdown because their parents knew and allowed the kid his space...
Give your kid a couple hours of breathing time and then sit down and ask him about his journey and that you love he felt safe enough to tell you..
NTA
You are not the asshole, none of you are, it you were considerate and he was emotional and anxious.
NTA. Had you said something, it could have turned into you “outing him” which is an unforgivable sin. So you did the right thing.
NAH because as a straight person you couldn’t really have known how he’d feel about your reaction. But from a closeted gay person- hiding it and worrying about people finding out and having to lie (or at least not be your true self) all the time is exhausting and stressful. And to finally work up the courage to tell a parent, not knowing if they’re going to throw you out on the street or not, only for them to say “yeah I already knew”, just kind of minimizes everything he’s gone through and felt, y’know? It sounds like you’re a good and supportive father, so it shouldn’t be too hard to come to him and say something to the effect of “I’m sorry if it seemed like I was trivializing you coming out, I thought it might lessen the burden on you if I let you know I had always suspected you were gay and didn’t mind. But I can tell from your reaction you were disappointed. I apologize and want to be supportive. I’m glad you told me, it must have been incredibly hard to do that”
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.