AITA for telling my dad there will be no making up for missing my high school graduation?

I'm so sorry. I do hope you have other supportive people in your life.

All the very best to you.

Also your step sister has one parent who can attend, her mum. You only have one living parent so he should come to yours. On the days where there are important things that clash, It’s fair that each child gets one parent in attendance

Have you told your grandparents just how bad it is? They might be able to talk some sense into him and salvage something from your relationship with your father. FFS, a normal parent would consider you losing one parent was bad enough without him bailing on you too. Your stepsister at least has a mother.

Later on he will say half the stuff you remember didn't happen and another third wasn't as bad as you remember it. Then the last few, (assuming he has a future moment of almost self reflection) he will play the victim card and say how hard it was for him bc (whatever).

You might want to write down all the things you remember now so in 5 or 15 he can't just pretend it's all in your head.

I'm sorry your dad is clueless.

I don't blame you one bit. Find your own family that loves and supports you. They don't have to be related by blood to be family. I can't stress this enough.

I just want to say that his excuse is ridiculous and makes no sense at all. [I am on mobile in a low signal area and can't direct quote] ~the rest of her family will be there, so I need to be too~ Hah, quite the opposite. The rest of her family is there, so it makes the most sense he goes to your event so that you have support from the immediate family, too. She gets 2 parents and you get no parents? Wtf kind of bizarre reasoning is that? [Edit: I put this here to validate and reassure you that this is ridiculous behavior and that there is no logic. Your feelings are valid, and you do what you need to do]

My sister has four kids. Regularly, that means both parents can't attend an event bc another sibling has something at the same time. They switch off who is with which kiddo. Now that the youngest 2 are getting older, it means some aunties are sometimes rotating into the mix.

This is insane and shouldn’t even be a question for him. His priority should be his bio son who lost his mom and is achieving something huge that only happens one time. The stepkid will have more award ceremonies. I’m sorry. This kind of stuff pisses me off. Are you leaving for college/what are your next plans?

When I can give you something on your way:

Being a parent is a privilege, not a right. With his actions, your father has shown that he isn't your actual father, not where it matters.

I know it is difficult in your age, but when you move out, you start to create your own family, not by blood, but by mind, a family where you decide who is part of it because they want to be and you want them.to be with you. This is not only about your life partner, but about friends that can be part of your own little family group.

If I were in your position, I would probably be petty enough that I would switch calling my father inly by his first name, and saying that he made his final decision to not wanting to be your father anymore.

Also, if he has a change of mind, accept it only if you actually want it to having closure. If you can, get yourself some therapy. Forgiving someone that has sinned you is one method of closure, but not the only one. Moving on is a different form, and with a therapist, you can decide which methods of coping with this situation is best for you.

Op I’m sorry he’s being a crap dad. You deserve better.

Also this won’t cheer you up but if you’re looking for music that says how you feel this may be the one. When I’m sad or angry at times I like songs that fit.

Cat's in the Cradle Song by Harry Chapin

Agreed. Absolutely nasty work.

As a father… this fucking kills me. It’s so god damn important to have a proper male figure. So many kids would love to have a dad, and they don’t. Here OP has one and he refuses to do his basic functions as a father. To love, support, and care for his child. How he can be so cold just blows my mind!!

And the stepmom. Jesus Christ… what a piece of work. My wife and I had a really bad season not too long ago 2-3 years ago… divorce attorneys were called. I started seeing someone else, and the new person I dated said to me “I understand your kids will always come first. I’m not going to try and replace their mom, but they’re part of you… and I love you so damn much which means I love them too and I’m always going to encourage you to continue being the amazing father you are”

• and that’s how you approach dating someone who has kids. You encourage them to still be a parent. To still be there for their child, to be the loving person you fell for in the first place.

OP’s dad posting in five years-“My wildly successful son is low contact with me for no reason at all”. And then later- “Why is my 40 yo stepdaughter still living with me and doesn’t do anything for herself.

Oh that hit me in the feels.

Sometimes when you stand up set clear consequences people do change. The pattern you described doesn't suggest this outcome is ever likely.

I'm sorry it isn't you, it was never you, and it will never be about you. You are an awesome person and you will find your people. I'm really sorry it sounds like you dad is not one. It's kinda basic level expectation of a parent.

Best guess he chose to keep his wife happy to avoid his own pain. And you are just collateral in that thinking. But you don't need to dwell here we all choose our own path. Go live the best vision of you.

You can't make someone else do anything, they can choose to be with you, you can choose who you are around.

Good luck freedom is a massive rush, remember to be kind to yourself

Please don’t waste your energy. My mother never cared about me once her new husband came along, and my dad died when I was young.

He will never change, because he doesn’t see what he’s doing wrong, and I’m not sure he ever will. Congratulations on graduating, and I promise that you can do this 💜

Find consolation in the fact that it is not even your stepsister that matters, the only thing that really matters to your father is the p*ssy. When people discard their own children for the step, it just means they are cowards and want to keep their partner happy. The love he feels for your stepsister is likely only a facade, if he were to change partners he would lose interest in her too. Be glad that he is not fooling you and that you can build your own family. Your dad is broken, because filial love doesn't work properly for him. There are people like that, it's not your fault. He's like a broken TV, you can broadcast whatever you want, 1000 channels, he's not going to show anything on the screen. It's not your fault. I hope you can heal however you see fit.

Honestly dad doesn't even deserve to be called that, the fact his wife told u to skip graduation for her daughter is the cherry on top. NTA I hope u are able to find people who actually care for you and honestly just go no contact with him. Best of luck OP and congratulations on graduating just know alot of people are proud of you and you have worked hard.

I’m in my 30s now, but my mother was like this with my older sister and I. I was never given compliments, never encouraged, never helped through things, but my sister was CONSTANTLY told how little and cute, how pretty, how independent..etc. I ended up with an eating disorder and having no bond with either of them. My mother didn’t even come to my wedding because it was out of state. To this day my sister can do no wrong. It will get easier to deal with, and once you’re on your own, you will see how not seeking his approval will help you to gain self confidence and a sense of independence. Yes it will still hurt, but that will also diminish over time. Hang in there, keep the people that love you and SHOW you that they do close. Remember that your value as a person has nothing to do with his behavior. Congratulations on your graduation!!

I am so sorry this has been your experience. In balanced families parents usually split to make sure one is in attendance at each event. I am guessing dad continues to bow to step moms pressure. So glad you have your grandparents to share this wonderful achievement. Move ahead and don’t look back. Relationships take effort and time. Your dad will now reap what he has sowed. Congratulations!! NTA.

Show him this thread. Ask for his comments after he reads it.

If you're choosing between doing something with your bio kid vs your step kid, pretty sure it does matter. If you're not prioritizing your own kids, then you're not a parent.

It is but it is a rebuttal to the wife's comment that "I can't deny her daughter a dad."

Send him this post.

Did he reply to this or ignore you?

I would tell him that your mom would be disappointed in the man he turned into.

If it were me, I would have my bags packed the day of. Your grandparents are coming to your graduation. You can ride back home with them.

Now that school‘s over, I hope you can get out of there asap. You’re definitely NTA and I‘m sorry your dad and his wife are doing this to you. I know it hurts but you‘ll still be able to make a better life for yourself.

I went NC with my dad as a teenager for consistently choosing his new partner over me. Of course it hurt but it was the right choice. (Also, now he‘s old she has dumped him and he’s got nobody left who cares about him.)

You’re graduating.

Go back with them after the ceremony. You deserve to be doted on a bit. Grandparents are good for that.

You're 18 & graduating, if you want to spend school breaks with them you can.

You're obviously NTA here, but I'm going to give you some advice if you actually want to have a relationship with your dad going forward: I don't think he believes or understands how hurt you are and just thinks you're being a silly teenager. You can't "make" him understand, so my recommendation would be to sit down and write him a letter.

Think of (at least) 3-4 specific examples of how you feel like he let you down (i.e. "In March, I had a playoff game that I desperately wanted support at and you didn't come because [reason]" and not "you never come to my games") and how the graduation attendance is part of a larger pattern. A HS graduation is a once-in-a-lifetime event. Choosing to be anywhere else shows that that other event is more important.

Cap it off by telling him that if he wants to be involved in your life he needs to show interest. If he's not willing or able to put in the seemingly low bar to simply show up, he can get updates about your life from his parents.

There's no guarantee that works, but in my experience a letter is a better way to get all your thoughts out before getting interrupted or sidetracked.

Omg this broke me

“Can’t deny my daughter a dad” “But you denied me a mom”

😭

Looks like she's got a type. "Men who ignore their own kid"

Eh, agree to disagree. The step mom is a full grown adult who can see signs of favoritism or neglect but doesn’t encourage her husband to support both kids equally because it benefits her and her daughter. Just bc step sister is a minor doesn’t mean she’s free of wrongdoing. She could just tell OP’s dad that he can go to OP’s graduation because she won’t mind at all.

Sounds like the mum encouraged it though. And that she has zero cares for op since she suggested he skip his own hs graduation for her dumb event. So I'd she 100% enables the dads behaviour.

It's an act of self-preservation, never forget that. You're doing it in response to an ongoing pattern of behavior that harms you. You didn't do this, he did it to himself.

Will be after HS graduation though. Best of luck

After you graduate, could you look at studying where your grandparents live? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this OP, I can't imagine how painful it is. But you do have people who love you. Once you graduate, your life - including your relationships and who you give the privilege of being part of it - is in your control. So start planning what you want for yourself - and if you can move to be closer to your support system even better ❤️

Question: what do you plan on doing after graduation? Does your dad know you plan on moving out after graduation? Please update us. Wishing you the best.

Just keep in mind -- practicality over principles. If dealing with their abusive, neglectful bullshit can help you get support for university or tradeschool or whatever you need while you land on your two feet, then you do what you gotta do.

But as soon as you can get free you get free and start surrounding yourself with a support network of people who actually care for you. Grandparents sound like a good start

You seem stuck on the idea that they live in another state. That’s what they make buses for. You should make a plan with them now. Figure out what school near them offers what you want in the way of college, trade school, etc.

How soon can you move out? It's time to go NC with him and his family. Start moving all your sentimental things out first. Do you still have your mom's things? Her jewelry? Maybe you can get her SS or something to support you. NTA

Yeah I just feel like if you give them an inch, they really will take a mile. "If you can't even choose my high school graduation, then I will consider our relationship severed" is a good boundary to set. They get no more chances.

Serious props to you for putting yourself first! People in their 40s are just learning about boundaries that you are learning to set now. Seriously good for you! Best of luck, OP.

It takes some people their whole lifetime to figure out a toxic parent or family member isn’t worth sacrificing your happiness and inner peace to get their love and affection.

You’ve figured it out as a teenager and I just want to say I’m SO happy and proud of you that you did.

You’re going to have a wonderful life and meet some lovely girl and be the kind of parent to your kids you should have had. So much ahead for a smart boy like yourself!

If anything I would maybe take a gap year and live and work with your grandparents (mothers) and apply to schools there so you can have a support system around you and even live there while going to school! It’s totally possible you’ve just got to be brave enough to get out of there and start being happy kid!

Is your GP okay with you moving in? But you can tell them it's temporary until you can find a college and job. And tell them not to tell your Dad, after the fact you're moved out. You can't convince people to love you OP, sorry to say this. Hopefully, you follow through if your father doesn't attend your graduation. Best of luck.

I’d leave the day after you graduate, he doesn’t deserve to be a father

Unless you are going to uni in state, I would make plans to leave with them after they attend your graduation.

Congrats on graduating. It is like jogging. High school is so good when it stops.

We raised a good son here darling!