As the title says. I have no more tears to cry and looking for apartments to move out. I (33F) have been living with my boyfriend (47M) since March, almost 3 years together in total. He has had a lot of criticism towards me before moving in together, but now it's much worse - he's getting stricter with me by the day.

The last fight was today, on the grounds that I have been doing a ragu Bolognese all day since the morning (a good Bolognese takes 2-3 hours to make from scratch) but I accidentally gave myself too much pasta and he didn't get enough. It really was an accident, I did not eyeball the amount correctly. I offered to give him some of mine but he declined, saying that he won't eat mine (I like mine al dente while he likes his overcooked) and then offered to make some more for him, but he declined that too. He was visibly angry so I lost it and started crying saying that nothing I ever do is good enough for him.

Because it isn't. Our fights are always about the same, he loves to tell me to concentrate everytime I make a little mistake. A spatula slips and falls from my hand, he scolds me and tells me to concentrate. I bump the vacuum into a chair, he scolds me telling me to concentrate. Every day I get told that I need to concentrate and it's driving me crazy.

He hates 90% of my wardrobe. A dress is either too tight, (he says he hates "Kardashian style" dresses on me), or too short, or the wrong color (he hates me in white, pink or black), or the wrong pattern (he hates florals), he hates wide pants, he hates heels. He recently bought me a dress to his liking, but then I wasn't allowed to wear it to work the next day, because he decided it will only be for Sundays. A few weeks ago I tried putting on an outfit I love on a date night (a lace top with a knee-long tight leather skirt) despite his objections. He was upset with me for 2 hours after leaving the house.

Once I put on a beautiful pair of white leather boots, that 70's throwback style that is all the rage now. He told me I look like a slut. I never wore them again.

We split housework equally, and I do 100% of the cooking because I like it, and he isn't much of a cook. He likes to either say that I don't do anything around the house, which sometimes escalates my frustration to the point that I want to rip my hair out, because I KNOW that I just cleaned the whole house because he had migraine. He says my cooking doesn't count because I like doing it anyway. If he sees me cleaning, he will point out mistakes that I'm making. Using the wrong cloth, using the wrong product, stuff like that.

He likes to argue that my parents did a shitty job at raising me so I can't do anything right. He says that even an idiot would manage better than me. Last week I told him that I'm looking for shared housing to move out, and his response was that they will kick me out after 2 months. If I threaten to break up with me, he says that no other man will want me. He might be right because before him, I kept getting rejected and ghosted for 10 years.

Today morning he was telling me about his last night's night out with his buddies. One of his friends complained about having to go to his gf's friend's baby shower, which was on the same day. My boyfriend took his side complaining because the women were "losers", working "shitty jobs at ZARA" and one even "cleans hotel rooms". I got angry about this attitude saying that there's nothing wrong with those jobs. I said that his friend is a hypocrite for staying at hotels and then shitting on staff doing their best to make the stay pleasant for him. My boyfriend's response was about 30 mins of gaslighting me about being too sensitive and taking things too seriously and "not taking a joke" and then he was angry for 2 more hours.

I have lived alone all my life since I was 21, and I always managed quite alright, or so I thought. This takes me to why I'm posting this here - nothing helps, my crying, my screaming, my threats that I'll move out, breaking up with him, nothing. He insists that he's right in his criticism. When I ask him how are we going to proceed from here to make the relationship work, he insists that I need to change.

I get that you guys don't live with us so you have no idea, but I'm going crazy here. Am I too sensitive? Can't I really do anything right? Am I overreacting?

UPDATE:

First of all, thank you all for the overwhelming support, I really need it right now. As many of you pointed out, the best strategy right now is quietly preparing my exit (getting an accomodation, putting some money aside, asking my family for help) without telling him about my plans. Yesterday evening, he indeed got physical with me and pushed me so hard that I almost fell. He pushed me in the direction of an open door and I was only a few cms away from bumping my head against the open door edge. This was the first time he attacked me physically and I think even he was shocked by this so he apologized for everything and promised to better himself. I'm not falling for this. I'm making things look like I forgave him and I'm staying, but I'm preparing my exit strategy.

Some of you are wondering if I have the funds to leave this relationship - yes I do. I'm doing a PhD and it's a fulltime funded position so I'm getting a normal salary.

And to make a bit light of the situation, some of you wondered why my ragu alla Bollognese takes 2-3 hours. So here's a recipe :)

  1. This is not a Bolognese sauce, it's a ragu the Bolognese way
  2. Take a large pot with a lid, I personally prefer a Dutch oven
  3. Finely dice 2-3 carrots, one stalk of celery and one large onion, and sautee on a good amount of olive oil until translucent
  4. Add beef mince seasoned with freshly ground black and white pepper, and salt, or even better a 50/50 beef/pork mix (in case you eat pork, if you don't, a beef mince will do)
  5. Sear on high heat, then reduce the heat and let the meat cook through
  6. Reduce with red wine (Pinot Noir, Merlot), ideally one you would drink, let the alcohol evaporate completely
  7. Add 2-3 grated cloves of garlic and 3 cans of diced tomatoes, I personally like San Marzano, but any will do
  8. Let it boil, then reduce the heat to low and let it simmer away for about an hour (you're probably about 1 hour in right now)
  9. If you're impatient, the ragu should be great now, if you want the ingredients to really connect, let simmer for another 30-60 mins with open lid, add water if necessary
  10. Add salt to taste, and I personally also add 1 cube of sugar to neutralize the natural sourness of the tomatoes
  11. Cook pasta to al dente and take some of the sauce, add fresh basel, mix it with pasta water and you're good to go :)

Today I made baked fish with potatoes and green asparagus, and my crime today was the asparagus being too salty and me not talking much. I'm no longer letting it get to me, I just nod and start talking.