AITA for telling my son to stop complaining about his own bad decisions?

YTA - your son is obviously trying to better himself and you dropped a steamy dump of the past on him. Then pull the standard boomer move about how when you were younger and did everything right. You should have just told him to pull himself up by the bootstraps

ESH, its his fault but don't try to act like you buying a house in the 80's has anything to do with what is going on. Your job as a parent is to be supportive and sometimes people just need to rant. You can give constructive criticism but things are very very very hard at the moment. I paid for a big chunk of my undergrad with a part time job, that is not really possible anymore. I own a home but I am a doctor, married to a doctor, and I honestly feel lucky to have it. Don't keep throwing his past issues in his face, he isnt going to put up with that shit for long.

YTA. His failing out of college had nothing to do with missing a promotion. Your attitude of "college is the only way to succeed" is very, very wrong as I see waiters with a master's degree. Getting a post secondary education does not guarantee you a great and successful career. Not having a college degree doesn't mean living in poverty either.

Son gets better job. Son gets apartment with roommates. Son keeps job long enough to go for promotion. Doesn’t get it. Calls dad to share disappointment. Dad ignores son’s progress and brings up mistakes from YEARS ago instead of being supportive. Dad compares himself with booming economy against his own son with failing economy. Son mentions distinctions rather tactlessly because dad is acting like a rude, tone deaf, heartless buffoon. Dad doesn’t even realize he’s pushing his son away.

YTA. You don’t get to act surprised when he doesn’t call to share his accomplishments either. And you definitely don’t get to feel disrespected when he stops calling altogether. Act like a parent to an adult and you get to keep that relationship. Act like he’s a failing college dropout constantly and you get nothing.

His worth should not be determined by his ambition. The economic situation is drastically different than when you came up. You have 3 choices, be supportive, be quiet, or be critical. You chose critical and if you want your son in your life you should probably pick differently. YTA

Stop harping on college. It's not for everyone and is blown WAAAAAY out of proportion for the value it provides to many.

Focus on his recent habits. Him not getting the promotion has nothing to do with him dropping out of college. Help him improve now.. don't waste your time talking about the past that doesn't matter.

So while you are trying to help, YTA for the way you did it. Seems like you just want to criticize and not help.

Well in the US a college degree is kind of a joke now. When I started working I needed a college degree for an entry level job that I could have done out if high school. I was making $17/hour. Now the job postings for that position say minimum of high school with college degree preferred. 

Soft YTA for thinking all higher paying jobs require a college degree. Your son might want to look at trade school.

YTA. He didn't ask you for money or help according to your post, he just wanted to talk. And you went off on him about college and partying.

You're completely out of touch with cost of living today, and I can't blame you because as a boomer you had it easy and had everything basically handed to you. College was cheap, buying a home was cheap, and so you are living in the past. Get real and be a better father.

So your son called to share with you his disappointment in not getting a promotion and your immediate response was to rail at him for his bad choices 7 years before. Yeah, super helpful.

He’s giving you the ole Boomer rant because you’re living life backwards, which is fine if you can get away with it but most of us have to live life in the direction it occurs - forward.

If you continue to compare your son to yourself or to other, more successful people, what do you gain? What does he gain other than more evidence that his father likes everyone else more than him?

Your kid shouldn’t have fucked up, you are right about that. But what good does it do anyone to keep bringing it up? He can’t go back and fix his behavior in the past. He can only change the future. But you’re making it harder for him to move forward with hope when you keep anchoring him to his hopeless, unfixable past.

YTA

ranting about "the boomers," as if all of us are exactly the same and none of us should be trusted.

That's true, we shouldn't put all of one demographic in one bubble without thinking about it.

I reminded him that I did very well in college, earned a degree in a competitive field, and was able to buy a home in my mid-20's

For the love of... *facepalm* This is EXACTLY what people are talking about when they say "Boomers" are out of touch!

You complain he won’t help himself. What actions did you suggest he take now to help himself? All I’m reading is you demeaning past decisions

I know that if either of my parents spoke to me like you did your son, the next time they saw me would be when I piss on their grave.

Nobody wants somebody who isn't suffering to minimize their trials.

College degree is not necessary to be successful or a homeowner. Have him get in the trades. Lots of younger people are forgoing college and going into trade schools.

YTA, First of all, not everybody is cut out for college. You can earn a decent living without a college degree, especially if you learn a trade. My ex husband never earned a college degree and he made more than $200k a year. He was an IT guy and got into sales. White collar. Secondly, he probably just wanted to vent to someone he thought was safe. Do you ever just want to blow off steam? I mean, he was venting to you and you became judgmental and instead of giving him a safe ear, you judged him. There are lots of people who don’t have college degrees that do just fine.

YTA - Two things can be correct at the same time. Yes, the US college system is a joke nowadays with the cost being sky high and returns on investment being… well, short for a lot of degrees. But a degree is still good to have, and he didn’t apply himself. That’s on him.

You applying 1970s standards to his life… really shows you as the boomer you are. Do you know why you were able to get a degree in a competitive field and buy a house in your 20s? Because the economy was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. And the choices that your generation made and continues to make squeezes the next generation for everything. It doesn’t matter that his friends bought houses or whatever you’re using to justify your Boomer thoughts. The world is different, and you acting like it’s not makes you an asshole.

But hey, at least you got your REIT dividends.

YTA

Your son doesn’t need a degree to earn a successful wage. Neither my husband nor I have degrees, he’s recently been promoted to company executive and I’ve had a successful insurance sales career for quite some time.

Many business related industries that once required a degree have now modified that requirement to degree OR ___ years relevant experience. Unless you’re going into a field where a degree is mandatory for things like licensing and certifications, these days it’s more valuable to just enter the workforce in your chosen field and begin gaining the experience. Based on the post-grad job market it’ll take you the same amount of time to reach that high level position but without going into a ridiculous amount of debt of which you’ll die before you’ve paid off.

Buying a house in the 70s and 80s when the income to expense ratio was much more manageable compared to today, a fact backed up by YEARS of concrete data isn’t something to brag about. You lived during a privileged time when the middle class made up over half the entire population, versus today where the middle class makes up less than half the population and the number living below the poverty line are steadily growing in size. That’s not all “laziness”.

It’s been nearly 15 years since the last federal minimum wage increase, yet prices of everything have continued to grow every year. Between 2009 and 2024 alone the average rent has increased by over 3% every single year. Do you think most employers are increasing everyone’s salary and their starting wage by 3% every year to coincide with the cost of living? If so you’re incredibly out of touch with reality.

Does your son need to establish himself and apply himself? Absolutely.

Does he need a degree and thousands of dollars of added debt to do it? Absolutely not.

Oh also, if it’s going straight to voicemail, it means he’s blocked you. Congrats on joining those in your generation who are no contact with their kids!

STFU boomer. Home in your mid 20s yeah congratulations on being born at the right time. He calls you up to talk to you and you rant at him about age old mistakes he's made in the past.

He was going for promotion. Does that not show you he's changed? Instead you berate him. He won't ring you again that's for sure.

I mean, you're an asshole, not by wanting your son to make better choices but, simply by thinking that you need a college degree to get a decent paying job. 

I make 20 an hour. Way above the minimum in my state and I dropped out of college out of boredom cause I was sick of it. 

Also don't compare boomer economy to the economy now. My grandpa bought land and built two homes in it with 50,000 dollars. He's working on his will and you know how much his home and land are worth now? 400,000 dollars. How does that even begin to compare???

Should he make better choices? Yes. You could have had this conversation when he wasn't in his feelings about being passed for a promotion. He was already down, you didn't need to kick him. 

YTA. 

No degrees, owned my own home by 35 free and clear no mortgage, thank GOD I did not pursue higher education, might have missed the boat on home ownership if I had dumped money into that fancy paper instead. World isn't as simple as A (get a degree) = B (get amazing job with degree) = C (be happy forever) anymore, gotta get creative to succeed.

YTA, expand your mind a bit bud. Having such a focused outlook makes you look like an ass. If the people that proceeded us and are in power now aren't to blame who is?

YTA

OP you are failing to recognize, that your sons "failure" says more about you as a parent then him as an individual. You failed to provide him with the life tools to know how to navigate and succeed in our world.

It's really clear from your writing what are the relevant issues. You spoke very highly about yourself and accomplishments, so based on all that your son is having the "I'll never measure up" or "it's never good enough". I mean you said it " bit of a ne'er-do-well", which indicates he's never good enough in your book. Why isn't he good enough? Can't you just love him for who he is?

The whole I got a house at 20 years old is completely unrealistic and unnecessary in todays economic environment. All you are doing is ego stroking and bragging. Nobody, especially you son wants to hear that nonsense. It detracts from positive discussions.

If I were to guess, your son chose to move out due to stranded/overbearing relationship. Your son clearly wants your support and acknowledgement, otherwise he would not have called you.

What you need to do is set the record straight with your son and apologies for not being the best father. Find out what he really wants in life and help him get there. Make the same investment as you have made in your career to your wife and family. Since you said you bought your house in the 1980s (I think), now do the math to figure out how much that house would cost you under a mortgage today, but based on your income when you bought your house. Then you just might understand what is happening.

Comparing people to anyone else is always an asshole thing. Regardless of anything else.

ESH. The housing situation is bad. College doesn't garuantee success.

However, he does need to take some more responsibility, if he wants a better job what would that job be? How would he get there. Would you be willing to help him do that now that he is more mature?

YTA

Sure your son made mistakes. But then he turned his life around. Do you know how much strength he must have had to muster to just survive while couch surfing, let alone get a job while having no permanent address? He worked hard to improve himself and do better and you’re holding an old mistake over his head.

BTW a degree doesn’t guarantee you even a mid tier job. Especially not any more because so many of us were pushed to go to uni and guess what? A lot of people can’t/ won’t retire so there are few opening vacancies in an aging population.

Things are different than when you grew up.

Things are different for your son, he has grown up and you refuse to see it or give him any credit. No wonder he doesn’t want to speak to you, you sound toxic.

He could make good money in a trade with no degree. Welding, plumbing, electrical, HVAC to name a few. Six figures after not too long.

Who is gaining value when you compare what youve accomplished to what he hasnt?

If your usual guilt tripping isnt working and then stop doing that. And definitely dont take him back in and support him. When you talk to him, just talk about other stuff and if he wants a pity party about his situation, redirect the conversation. As long as he can keep your attention he’ll stay in the rut of a pity party.

As the parent I think pointing out his past errors is not helpful. I would ask “yes to your life is hard. There are not many opportunities. But what do you want to do about it?” Help him dwell not on the past But imagine how he wants his future to look. He can go back to school There are many training opportunities in fields, such as plumbing, HVAC and electrical. The advantage is he will be paid while he learns. There are many hiring opportunities in healthcare. Nursing, radiology, pharmacy.
He’s not wrong about the boomer generation. There was opportunity galore as the United States rebuilt Europe, and developed infrastructure such as the interstate system. Large companies gave up manufacturing in the United States for lower prices abroad. The jobs available to the boomers are not available anymore. But I do believe your son can improve his lot in life If he looks at the opportunities that are available. I wish Michael luck and I hope you can give him the moral support that can change his lot in life.

Any discussion on what it took to get a house in the 1980s is absolutely irrelevant to how things are now, and it's a bone headed and frankly idiotic analogy that yes, shows you are completely out of touch. A high interest rate on a low base is absurd to complain about.

The housing market in the last five years has been radically different than the previous FORTY.

Also, the idea that you need a college degree is equally out of touch. Certifications are worth more than college in a lot of positions. I make eighty thousand a year and have no degree, I have technical certs and also make a living as a freelance writer. Niche skills are more useful than any generic unrelated degree.

The world is more specialized than it was forty years ago.

If you hadn't had your head up your ass you could have just... let him rant, as not everybody is looking for advice, just to get something off their chest. Did he ask you to identify the cause of his situation? No. Did he ask for your advice? No. Did he ask for your criticism of his life? No. He went to you to vent some of his feelings before he goes back to the grind and the struggle.

Your failure to grasp this is part of the reason why 'OK Boomer' became a cultural norm to express, because you're tone deaf and disconnected from reality. Gen X might not like that the 90s were 30 years ago, but for fucks sake at least we haven't forgotten that time has kept moving the way you clearly have.

If he did ask for advice, it's very obvious that you wouldn't know what the hell to tell him, since you seem to still think just 'having a degree' will get you something. It's barely going to get you an entry level job. The market even now is different than it was a mere five years ago, and by different I mean worse, so odds are his friends wouldn't be doing nearly as well now if they were just starting out.

Simply put, you suck.

And that's not even counting the fact that you left him couch surfing to get by when he was struggling.

This is why people don't like boomers.

You say 'As if all of us are the same and none of us can be trusted' but to that I must reply:

You let your struggling son couch surf to survive, refer to him as a failure to strangers, and instead of letting him vent some frustration, proceeded to essentially tell him he was a loser and it was all his fault.

I know not all boomers can't be trusted, but you demonstrated that you can't be.

He did make poor choices but you refuse to aknowledge the difference in circumstances.  The gap between wage and housing is completely different now, then even 30 yrs ago.  In my area the gap is 5x what it was. How'd I know? 

My husband and I chose to wait 2 years because we had an amazing rental and decided to work on our savings instead. In 2 years the cost of housing doubled... so we decided to wait and then move. Then it quadrupled in a few more years to the point we no longer could afford a home. In hindsight.....   

Stop bragging for being lucky. The hopelessness young people face in mapping out their future paralyzes some. You are not helping him by judging. Encouraging and helping out is a better way to make yourself feel better. At your age you will get a sore arm from patting your own back.

YTA

As a parent, you should encourage him to go into the trades. Your insistence on making sure he remembers his failure will drive a permanent wedge between you and your son. Ultimately, he has a job and is trying to figure out life, meanwhile you're being a bit of a piece of shit. There are countless examples on the internet of people that went to college and ended up slouching in their parents basement, meanwhile your child is actively trying to figure out his life, without your help.

Stop being a dick about it. If you want to help your son succeed, stop reminding him of his failures. You are the failiure here.

YTA.

Jesus Christ such a boomer thing to say. This has to be bait. The kid is no saint, but OP is wildly out of touch.

YTA instead of listening you wanted to fix him

Well, it is the older generations fault for how awful the housing market is. You say mortgage was bad back in the day, but you didn't take into account inflation, lack of housing due to overpopulation, and landlords hoarding housing. Houses nowadays near me go from £600k - £1mil and rent is around £600 - £1100, and I'm in a town not close to any major cities.

I understand your frustration with your son, and that he didn't apply himself in college and dropped out, but there could have been many reasons for that. In addition to this, getting a degree doesn't guarantee a good job, it depends on who is hiring, if they're relevant to your degree, and if the person gets on well with the job.

Your son came to you venting, and you shut him down because he said something that upset you (and what he said was a valid point). How do you expect to help him? By shutting down any emotional support? What exactly can you offer to help him out with his situation?

YTA and should apologise to your son.

Soft YTA in the sense, if you actually looked into how some people between millennials - Gen Z are struggling to get by even with 2/3 jobs. I feel for your son as I (20f) I just sent applications out for a second job. College isn’t for everyone as I’m also not in college (Though that may change). It took my cousin (29M) roughly 4-6 jobs in his life to actually find his dream job and he was in college for 8 years (which i don’t know if he really got anything out of it)

I don't think it goes as far as "asshole," but you're a little out-of-touch and not being particularly helpful.

You can do more research on this, but it's not hard to find all the many reasons that things were much easier in this way in the past than today. Compare stagnant wages in the face of skyrocketing tuition, housing costs, and inflation. In the 80s a part-time job could pay for cheap rent and tuition. That's not remotely the case today. These factors make it harder for him than they were for you. That doesn't mean it was all a breeze then or that it's impossible now, but it's true.

Admitting those difficulties and being encouraging would likely be more helpful than "stop complaining" and pointing out past failures.

He might still need a wake-up call and a return to education (whether is Univ or some trade school or whatever). But, he's not going to hear it if you also ignore the current realities.

Work with him to make a plan. Look at programs and technical certifications or majors if that's what he's interested in. Offer assistance with tuition if you can.

Generally, people perform much better after returning to school. (for those who do return like me).

YTA. He is trying to improve himself, making plans, and was in the midst of a disappointing set back. Reminding him that years ago he screwed up in college was not news, advice or support. You could have said you know he has been trying and looking forward to some changes and you are sorry it won't be this time. If there is a trade, or technician program of a year or an 18 month course that you know of that has helped some of your friends kids have better paying jobs, that would be something to mention. It doesn't seem like your son has ever been interested in a 4 year college program, so maybe stop looking for solutions or blame in that direction. He is working and trying hard in a job unlikely to reward him. Helping or supporting him to find a new path with bettter prospects means listening to him, following his lead, and considering options other than university. Good luck.

College degrees were and are a joke.

Your son would better to go to trade school. College isn’t the magical path to success any more. More people really need to embrace the skilled trades. Soft YTA.

I tried to be as understanding as possible, but eventually I just wasn't having it.

You could investigate how and why you were triggered. You chose behavior that was unhelpful. That is entirely your right. Nevertheless, you chose to blame and ask irritating questions. And you seem smart enough to know you were behaving badly.

​

I just don't know how to help my son when he refuses to help himself. It's a frustrating and sad situation, and I don't know what more I can do.

Educate yourself. Find ways to show your son his good qualities. Find places to go or things to do together that can let him know you value his presence. Take walks together. Go to concerts, plays, park events. He needs time with you showing you care and listening because it's your job as a parent.

YTA. At least if you think his main bad decision is not ending up with more debt than he can pay off in 20 years for a college degree that won’t necessarily increase his income beyond the same rate he is making without it.

Seriously, have you looked at what is being paid today for what your first job with that degree you are so proud of? Have you actually researched to cost of that degree vs the pay rate? And added that up to today’s expenses ?

Even people with specialised masters and doctorate degrees aren’t paid professional wages these days.

Also YTA because parenting an adult isn’t about telling your kid why and how they fucked up and how sorry they are for not succeeding in the exact sane way you did even though conditions are different.

Things have changed since we were young. Open up YOUR mind and study the current situation and if you must make suggestions at least make relevant suggests instead of just bragging about what worked for you.

You don’t need to help him, just listen. If he wants advice he’ll ask for it.

ESH. You sound like my mother. You kicked your own kid while he was down and now your butt hurt that he's upset with you. Yes your son has made bad life choices, but based on what I read in your post he hasn't come mooching from you and your wife. He been struggling and trying to climb out of the hole he dug for himself. The problem with "boomers" is that you love to compare situations. "Why, I was able to buy a house at 25 with my 4 year college degree so why can't this younger generation?" Because the cost of living isn't the same, the economy isn't the same. They did a study crunched the numbers and discovered to just barely make ends meet you need to make AT LEAST $22 and hour. The area where I live the average minimum wage WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU CAN LIVE ON is $15. So the cost of living is more than the minimum wage. Also there are thousands of college grads with 4 year degree's who struggle to find jobs in their industry and end up at those minimum wage jobs. Stop judging your son using yourself as the standard. He's not you and he doesn't have to do everything YOU want him to. You're not to blame for his decisions or actions but you could definitely try to practice being a supportive parent more instead being one who sits in judgment and condemnation. I agree with your wife, you were callous and you shouldn't be surprised if he stops talking to you for awhile

YTA. Even making all the right decisions, my college educated husband didn’t start making good money until recently when he switched to a trade job. Even then, we only have the good life we have because we are both veterans. We literally had to sign our life away for 8 years and risk death so that we could have this life.

Look man, it’s not your fault that your generation turned out to be locusts. Your generation was born during a time when recourses were abundant and ate up all of that abundance. The denial about the drought we are living in is just crazy at this point though. You need to admit that the resources are gone. Instead of blaming your son, you should be blaming the people really at fault: the super wealthy. Try empathizing with your kid instead. Admit that if you had been born in a time of drought instead of abundance, you might have spun your wheels around a bit too.

I have a college degree and my husband does not. He makes over 3x what I do. Parents need to stop pushing the college agenda. Its a money grab.

Tell him to consider trade school.

Bruh. 80s vs. Now isn’t even a fair comparison.

YTA- yikes. That would be my last phone call to you if I were your son.

Honestly YTA. Not everyone is cut out for college. He’s made progress and came to you to vent about his frustration in losing a promotion.

What he didn’t ask for was to be lectured at like a small child and have his life be compared to yours which has zero impact on him.

I suggest you plug in some numbers into an inflation calculator. It isn’t 1985 anymore. And while you’re at it stop being an ass to your son who’s trying his best to make things work.

Edit to add: my mom does the same shit that you just pulled and guess who I don’t vent to anymore if at all? Your son will likely keep his distance from you for a while at this point unless he has decided to cut you off.

I am 29 years old.

I went to undergrad, graduated, Dean's List. I never earned lower than a B in any class.

Went to graduate school. Earned a terminal masters degree. Never earned lower than an A-. I am as educated as I can be in my field.

If my parents used the same marker for success that you do - owning a home - then I would be an abject failure, and I will be for the rest of my life.

I have a job, in my field (not entry level, need an MFA to do), and I couldn't afford my two bedroom apartment without my partner's additional income.

I read posts like this, and I am so grateful for my parents.

YTA. For the sake of your child, please change your barometer for success and open your eyes to the facts of the world right now.

Tell him to get a trade job and earn a great living! I know alot of people with useless college degrees. I also know a few millionaires who are in a construction trade job. Not everyone is suppose to go to college.

Get that dude a job in the trades asap. Make good money and turn his life around and don’t need a degree. Commercial plumbing, residential carpentry both really good places to start

Oh hi boomer. YTA. x1000

Sounds like you made it about you instead of hearing his woes. You don't always have to fix things or relate his struggles to your own. Just be there for him and listen and only give advice if he asks for it. It seems like that'll fall on deaf ears though since just from your couple of paragraphs seems like you've probably always made everything about you.

Side note-- You're pretty delusional thinking that just cause the rates were so high in the 80s it was "hard to buy a home." 1980 average house price: $47,200, rate: 13%, college educated starting salary: 20k. 2024 average house price: 384,500, rate: 8%, 60ishk. Absurd, huh? Stop believing your generation's whole "we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps" bit. Ya'll were the babies that prospered from post wartime economics.

Sounds like you pushed him to do things he didn't actually want to do (go to college) and he's being adolescent "punishing" you for it. You're right about him being mad at himself but I'm pretty confident a lot of his self loathing comes from never ever living up to your expectations or extremely outdated world view.

I then asked him how he expects to earn enough to live a decent life (and maybe one day own a house) without earning at least a college degree.

You got the "Boomer" rant because you gave a prime boomer response.

In the time since you've earned your degree, the cost-benefit of a college degree has nosedived.

As someone peer aged to Michael, I don't know anyone under the age of 30 who ever believes there is a chance they can own a house someday that isn't inherited.

YTA, I'm sure he can be doing a bit more to push himself to grow professionally, but as his parent I think he just called you to vent and feel supported. He wasn't asking for money or for you to come fix his problems.

YTA. This was a textbook example of how to get your kids to go LC/NC.

100% this is a fake post.

ESH. While dropping out is unfortunate, it has nothing to do with his current situation. I know tons of people without college degrees who do fantastically financially. He should do the work to be successful, that’s definitely on him. Also ranting about boomers helps no one, whether it’s true or not, so that’s a wash. Simultaneously, you harping on about college, past mistakes, and your experiences when he’s venting about disappointment from not getting a promotion is tone deaf and shitty on your part.

I'm sorry you're going through that. I know how hard it is to watch someone you care about struggle. You are right that complaining about his situation is not helpful, and it's understandable to get sick of it and it's good to set boundaries around listening to complaints.

At the same time, comparing his situation to yours is not helpful. He certainly would be better off today if he had applied himself in school, but he can't change that now. If you want to offer constructive criticism, focus on what he should be doing now, not what he could have done in a period that he can't go back to.

ESH

I was with you until you started going on about being able to buy a home when houses were, you know, affordable.

Sounds like maybe your son is the product of his environment.

A college degree is not a ticket to success like it was in your day. I say this as a younger Gen X-er who was told a degree ANY degree meant I would be successful, etc. What a bachelor's was in the 80s is what a masters or more is now. Couple that with housing/education costs far outpacing wages, pensions a thing of lore, and anyone joining the workforce after approximately 1990 being solely responsible for funding their own retirement (another drain on stagnant wages) and you can see why Boomers are blamed. Add to that the refusal to retire, leaving a lack of advancement opportunities in corporate America as well as many older generations having scooped up affordable housing and you find us where we are now with companies more concerned with shareholder value (a shift that occurred in the early- to mid-80s) rather than responsible corporate governance and operations (hence layoffs at the richest companies in the world).

This is all to say that Michael had a point. To an extent. He is responsible for where he is in his career. But it didn't sound like he was asking you for anything, much less advice. He needed his parent to shut up and let him vent. At one time, you were his safe space. If you are unable to let him vent or if it's too much to listen to, set that boundary. Just don't do it right after he was passed over for a promotion.

As an FYI , my husband was forced into college by his parents - he got a degree with 2 majors and 1 minor and got a job as an operations manager. He hates working indoors. He loves carpentry and started a small construction company. He should have never gone to college, but his boomer parents saw no other possibility for success. Even today, they make passive-aggressive comments about his "success" or lack thereof despite him being more successful by all objective standards than his 2 "professional" brothers combined. I, a corporate whore in my own right, am thrilled he does what he loves. I do all the backend stuff he doesn't like because it's what I'm good at.

Bringing up the interest rate argument is just a massive red flag that this is a bullshit ragebait post.

Did you mean to leave out the ‘v’ in “never”??

NTA I would be frustrated if one of my kids was always complaining like that. Sometimes they need to be told to look in the mirror and see it’s their choices that are holding them back. You probably did him a favor

I'm missing information about family and individual history. No one is like this for no reason.

OP is NTA. The son is just making excuses and looking for dad to say his life is not his fault. At 27 it sounds like he never applied himself and is now paying the price. Dad is absolutely right to call him out. Parents who don't call out the BS behavior are enablers. The "sympathetic ear" is exactly what the son doesn't need. I can't believe the posters here calling the dad an AH. I'm not a boomer, but jeez...work hard to get good rewards is a basic life rule. Too many people want to blame others for their lack of success when it is really due to a lack of effort and not taking life seriously.

Let’s be real. Things are not the same as they were when you were his age. How much did you pay for your home in the 80’s? How much is it to rent an apt compared to how it was in the 80’s? You deserved to be called a boomer.

College degrees don’t mean what they used to

Criticism is never helpful, especially if there are no positives of helpfulness attached. The son blaming boomers is the equivalent of the father bringing up poor past choices. How about offering to assist with work training classes or jobs that might offer more opportunities for more cash flow. You're a failure does not tend to motivate. YTA ish

I do want to clarify, on Michael's behalf, the Boomer complaint. It's not about how much Boomers caused this problem (I don't believe they did), but about how little you understand it. The conversation you laid out yourself 100% proves it.

Adjusted for inflation, the average home in 1990 was under $140k in 2024 USD. In 2024, the average home cost is $225k. (I live in an area that is not considered HCOL, yet here a decent house with decent public schools is $500k+ and average cost with less stellar schools is $398k.)

So, that is a 62% increase in cost, on average. That means housing costs are so high that a person with a full-time job has to rent a crap apartment with 2 other people to survive. For most young people today, owning a home is a dream that might never materialize. But most Boomers who worked hard in the 60's-80's could expect to buy a home - college not required.

College isn't for everyone. I'm sure your son has regrets, but he is trying to better himself on his own. You kick him, belittle him, and point out his perceived mistakes. It's not helpful. Your inability to acknowledge a person is trying to do better without blaming him for his circumstances is a very common generational disconnect and will always result in "Boomer" chants.

It's not as easy in 2024 as it was in 1984. Trust me, I've lived in both times, and it is clear that YTA. But with a little more empathy, you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and do better.

Although he's partially correct about the boomers having had an easier life, it's not like poor people didn't exist in your generation. I wonder how many people could've flunked out of college and had a great life. Also at the same time, it's not like every single person of his generation lives the same crappy life he does.

YTA OP and a big one.

OP, you sound like my dad. I could not talk to that man without him listing all the ways I was failing. I moved across the country and never talk to him.

The  college drop out is loser,  and wants to blame everything on someone else.  Never looking into the mirror about who is the source of his own issues.  

Not the asshole for telling him to grow up but:

 but the idea that it's my generation's fault alone is absurd to me.

If you don't see your generations fault by being the biggest voting group since the 80's, and explicitly voting in people who passed laws that benefit those who have, and penalize those who have not, after the extreme wealth of information that exists out there on the topic, you need to do some learning yourself.

Your generation VOTED for the people that have repealed consumer protections. Your generation VOTED for the politicians that have kneecapped nearly every regulatory body. Your generation VOTED to cut taxes on the rich and increase the load on the poor. Your generation REFUSES to push senators and representatives on term limits, or prohibit insider trading amongst them, because your generation HAS all the wealth that will continue to expound upon.

And when you're too old to take care of yourself, it'll be your generation rotting in convalescent homes, throwing away money because you've alienated most of your kids who work too hard and have to raise their kids, and they're unable to care for you.

And your kids will receive nothing when you pass because you spent it on a system that abuses the elderly.

You sound insufferable tbh. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he didn't "apply himself" because he was struggling with something? Mental illness, addiction, trauma? Rather than empowering him and supporting him you just tear him down when he tries to connect with you and share his hardships. You are acting exactly like the boomers he was ranting about. YTA.

YTA He's trying to better himself, and you just want to kick him when he's down. Chances are he lies awake at night regretting his mistakes; does he really need you harping on too?

Do you even love your son? From the first line, it suggests you don't care much for him. Maybe his failings are more on you than you think.

I went to college fully paid by scholarship because I’m some sort of genius or something. Probably or something because I didn’t have a plan. Majored in ‘Professional Student’ made a big boy realization that I was wasting a valuable resource that someone else could use. Accepted the first diploma offered Ann’s went into the workforce.

That is how I left the larval stage and pupated into an adult.

The most I ever made with my degree? $3.50 above minimum wage.

Got a cdl, got a house in an affluent suburb and two jeeps and my wife doesn’t work.

I go home with no paperwork and read books for pleasure and enjoy my family time to its fullest.

Know what I do? I’m a garbage man

I’m going to give you a mild YTA because I understand our generation and I don’t think you were trying to hurt your kid. But I’m from the tail end when the world we were trained for changed and if you didn’t have both feet firmly planted already you were free falling. And in the new world anyone can free fall. It’s a lot more complicated to find your way to self sufficiency.

Try apologizing to your kid duder. I hope you guys work it out.

Yta. You're supposed to be a supportive parent. It boomer mentality was always pushing us millennials for college. You should be able to read your child before they apply for college if they are "college material." Yes, college isn't for everybody. And if my kids are into partying and will waste the money it takes to attend a college, I'll push them in the right direction (the trades), and they will see what hard work is. Buying your first house in 1982 for $45,000 is nothing compared to today. You can barely buy a new vehicle for $45,000....get your head out of your ass and help guide you kids.

Although it sounds as though your son is a slacker, you need to stop it with the college is the only way. Trade schools which turn out electricians, plumbers, welders, etc., graduates make a good living. My son-in-law makes about $115,000 a year as an electrician. As a clerk in a store he makes peanuts in comparison. There's plenty of good paying jobs out there but unless he's willing to apply himself to get the right training, he'll be stuck in a low paying job. BTW Boomer mom here.

With only the details of that story I’m pretty sure you are the asshole. I don’t have a college degree and made it just fine. I did have to cut my parents out of the conversation for a few years.

YTA, and I say that as the parent of a 20-something who chose not to pursue a college degree. There are paths to success that do not require a college degree. And at this point, what do you hope to accomplish by berating your child about choices he made in the past? Why not focus on how to improve the situation moving forward instead of focusing on historical choices that can’t be changed now?

If I was your son, I wouldn’t want to talk to you either. No one wants to be lectured.

Well you really really sound like a very classic boomer. I know a lot of people in their 50's 60's and they are absolutely not the same as you and I wouldn't call them boomer but you are like an archetype

You’re a boomer with a 26 year old son? Did you buy a house in the eighties?

Yup, you are the AH. Maybe he FU in college, but that doesn’t mean he has to continue. He’s young enough to go back or find a trade and go to trade school. Encourage him to improve his conditions, and if he needs some money to further his education, offer to help - not a full ride.

ESH, a college degree would not help him to buy a home. The job he’s currently doing would have allowed him to buy a home 40 years ago. You’re just straight-up wrong and being willfully ignorant. If you’re comparing mortgage rates, that really makes zero sense in terms of figuring out the price of housing when the actual initial price has ballooned at a much higher proportion than interest rates have fallen.

Boomer bought a house for $75 in the 80s and lords it over son.

I see both sides here.

I was in your corner UNTIL you started bragging about your own achievements.

Yes, he’s absolutely made mistakes and it’s frustrating to watch him go on making them. It sounds like he doesn’t like to accept responsibility for his mistakes.

As a parent that’s INSANELY frustrating because you WANT to see your kids do well.

But there are some things to consider here.

The fact is, you DON’T know how difficult the employment market is now — because you’re not looking for a job.

And a college degree is NOT a golden ticket to prosperity anymore. The world of work is changing SO rapidly with the advent of AI and other developments, that many degrees can actually be irrelevant by the time a student graduates, forcing them to retrain.

But crowing about your own achievements will just make him feel like crap and that he can never measure up to this mythical standard you’ve obviously set.

But next time he sounds off try to show some empathy. Acknowledge his frustration and disappointment, but maybe ask what he thinks he could do better next time to give himself a better chance. Be the person to help him find SOLUTIONS, not kick him while he’s down.

Qualified YTA.

YTA Stop comparing yourself to him, that is shitty parenting. He’s an adult and after 21 chose his own path and future. Your experiences mean nothing, you aren’t a better human being or smarter. I married in 1986, my parents owned a 4 bedroom home in a great school district and their monthly expenses were less than our one bedroom apartment. Did I get mad? Sure. But I moved to a lower cost of living area and built my own story. My first car loan 12% my first mortgage 8%. Then we refinanced. Nothing new here other than the amount of whining going on. Michael is a loser.

Sounds to me like your son called you for support and all you did was shit on him for something he cannot change now. He is well aware that he fucked up and doesn't need to be reminded by you every time life hits him in the face.

Do your son a favor and learn how to listen and empathize without judgement. Then do your damned job as a parent and help him find a way to improve his situation instead of talking about your damn self! No wonder he "Boomers" you. That's exactly what you deserve.

Do better! Help your son!

Th college issue is pretty controversial right now. Lots of students going into debt and not seeing the jobs at the end of the rainbow. Your don may have run into issues in college that he couldn’t resolve. Was he s good student in high school? Is he able to stick with disagreeable tasks? Does he ask for help when needed, can he focus on course material if he’s not interested in it. Not everyone is cut out for academic success and he may be one. Another possibility is maturity.

So many twenty somethings don’t get serious until the age of 30. Lots of data on developmental issues and extending through the twenties.

We are obsessed in this country with success achieved in narrow channels that all require college. Yet people in the trades that are engaged, talented, etc. are in short supply. Have you looked at what plumbers and electricians are making these days?

YTA- the college degree thing 100% makes you complete out of touch Boomer Asshole. You’re being a horrible Dad.

How long are you going to hold your son's youthful decisions against him? You are closing off the lines of communication. Try to move forward in your dialogue with him. What are some things your son can do now to get ahead? It's never too late to go to college or change direction. Apologize for being so judgmental and just not listening.

Yta, you bought a home in your mid 20s more than 20 yrs ago based on your son's age when:

• the cost of living was much lower
• house prices were significantly lower compared to today
• college fees were much lower than today

All of these factors put you in a better position that your son is in now even had he not dropped out of college which makes you the unsympathetic AH in this situation.

Yes your son can and should take responsibility for what they did in college but that doesn't change the fact that without the privilege of money your son would still be in a worse off position in life. Very likely with a large college debt to boot.

Here's what loving your adult kid looks like " I'm sorry you were passed up for promotion That's very frustrating as I think your goals to move are great. Would you like to talk about it more? Or what you'd like to do in the future?" This leaves the conversation open for I'm here if you'd like to vent and I'm here to talk about solutions if they wish.

Sometimes adult kids just need to vent to their parents who they love and my dude you failed that part.

YTA and I wouldn’t be shocked if you stop hearing from him provided he can’t really depend on you for much other than throwing his past in his face. It isn’t ageist to point out that home ownership isn’t as realistic or easy as it was when you did it, or that your generation overwhelmingly fails to understand how difficult things are currently when you’re trying to get off the ground.

Maybe, idk, provide comfort to your son? Crazy that’s something that isn’t a given.

ESH
You CANNOT compare you buying a house to the current economic climate. Period. The only reason I got one is because I got lucky with timing and my family loaned me $15k, and I'm a freaking doctor.
You can absolutely give him a life lesson without making an apples to oranges comparison.

You're frustrated, it's understandable, but yes YTA. Your son turned to you for encouragement. This was a teachable moment for your son, which I hope you get a do-over. Next time try acknowledging his frustration and pivot to long range goals, planning and execution. Help him to understand that one door closing provides an opportunity for a different path, but he needs to recognize it as such. OP, your sons path was different then yours. He made decisions that you wouldn't have made and is dealing with the consequences. Bad choices can be overcome, but support and guidance is necessary and helpful. Not shaming.

Lastly, wear the Boomer Badge with pride.

I wish boomers would realize how much easier they had it as a generation largely more than anyone else. Better than their parents and better than their children while also pulling up the ladder any chance they could.

Then also lecturing us about stuff we know more about at the same time.

OP I hope you read this as it might help save your relationship with your son. I suggest hearing him out and emotionally supporting him by letting him vent rather than putting him down and making him feel stupid for past mistakes.

I am 27 and didn't do very well educationally either. I dropped out of high school and college, which my father (who was born in the early 60s) practically ridiculed me of because I was "lazy" and lorded the fact that he has three degrees (two medical and one business).

Throughout all of the times that I would talk to my father and tell him about my struggles (usually because he would ask) all he would do is give me unsolicited advice which would often end up backfiring on me, leading me to distrust him heavily.

Furthermore, he would criticize my decisions and tell me to work harder or stop complaining because he had it harder as a kid, which just led me to resent him.

Now I speak to my father maybe once or twice a year for the holidays. I make it a point to keep our conversations as brief as possible and keep details of my life to a minimum.

It's looking like that will become your future soon too. Try harder next time.

God you’re an insufferable twat

Bro, I went to college, graduated, and have never used my diploma. I serve in the winters and treeplant in the summers and I make more than most of my friends plus I don't have a shit ton of debts because I only went to college for 2 years (got a diploma) and decided not to continue because I was making good money already and I enjoyed what I did. My mother, to this day, constantly asks when I'm going back to school and has this mentality that I can't have a successful life unless I do and it has brought me to having quite low contact with her. I don't share my plans, troubles, accomplishments etc with her. I only call to check in occasionally. This mindset of "you need to go to college or your life will be shit is just plain dumb. You are projecting your own values. You son will most likely go LC or NC w you if you keep this up and don't give him support. YTA

OP college isn’t for everyone. While your son doesn’t seem to have his head together, would you be supportive if he decided on a trade?

Gosh I am a boomer and was cringing reading this. When someone is venting and upset not the time to put them down. Maybe a better approach was to listen and then when he is ready help him think through his options and ways to make himself more marketable or promotable.

How come no one put a second thought on the military. Not every part of the military is combat. They come with school that gives legit certifications. Heck, trade school training. For example I got TIAA, Cisco Certifications from the ARMY. They also pay for college with housing when you use the GI Bill.

​

Edit: I bought a house recently, and I used VA Loan which include no down payment required for a house loan.

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Like I said, I don't get why people never put Military on the list of things to move with life.

IDK- you wants what's best for your son and that's understandable. But college isn't the only thing to succeed my dad never went to college, and neither did my mom and they are varying successful home owners.College isn't for everyone and i dropped out of college bc it was a lot and I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. But I'm going back so I can be a teacher. Trust me my parents were furious with me dropping out the first time but they are still supportive never the less they let me fall and then they helped back up and trying to help me with what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Op you have to be supportive and I would say apologize and try to come to understanding and be a better supporter trust me sometimes we need to fail to succeed

YTA. Good luck getting your son to talk to you again.

I used to try to vent to my mom, but she often tried to turn things into a lecture. Then she’d complain that I never chat with her and talk about my life like I do with my friends. Eventually I went NC with her and never regretted it. She died last April. I regret nothing. Your son is an adult. Maybe just be there for him and listen to him while you still can. I have a daughter almost his age. We are very close and I let her vent, rant, rage to me all she needs to.

YTA. My parents bought a house in the 80s, too, after getting college degrees (state schools, ~$400/term total). They paid $35k for their home. Regardless of interest rates, $35k is a far cry from the $475k the house would sell for today.

Has your son made mistakes? Yes. But is he working hard to move forward? Also yes. Sometimes you just need to listen to and support your kid - lectures aren’t helpful, they don’t turn back time.