Clearification: Aitah for leaving after my husband gave away some of my babies ashes?

Sd- Step Daughter Sm- Step daughters mother

To clear some questions that I have been getting. Yes, the baby is my husband's too, I used the term "my baby" because I am talking to you. We are not. During the initial conversation about giving SD some of the ashes my husband never spoke up to disagree with me about it. He went with it and then went behind my back. If he disagreed why didn't he speak up at the time? And I never said I wasn't willing to revisit the conversation in the future. This conversation came up literally the day her ashes came home to us. SM and I have never seen eye to eye, she thinks she has some kind of weird claim on him due to their prior relationship and that's never sat well with me because of her consistent boundary crossing. SD was 11 when I had her sister and was more interested in other things like her phone, friends and school than being involved with her sister. I tried to get her involved in feeding, dressing or playing with her sister and it never clicked with them. I am in no way saying that an 11-13 year old should be responsible for a baby, just saying that I tried to help foster that relationship. I do NOT dislike SD. I am not even upset that she lost the ashes, I was simply pointing out that she was not responsible or mature enough to handle something so important. She loses money, jewelry, toys, ect. All the time. Her mothers wedding band from her parents marriage being the most prominent example. We have the cohabiting kind of relationship, not the mother daughter kind as she stated that she wasn't interested in having that with me and that is OKAY! She is allowed to feel that way. I am not hoarding her ashes like a dragon with a pile of gold, at the time that we made our daughters arrangements my husband and I agreed that we would want her buried with us wherever we end up. We, BOTH of us wanted her buried with us. We agreed to this. We have always had an amazing relationship, listening to each other's concerns and opinions. We hardly ever disagree and when we do we can usually compromise about important decisions. I can not have any more children because of a complex medical procedure that left me sterile. SM however has 2 children other than SD, so my daughter was not her only sibling. Just the only one she shared with my husband. After reading through the comments, I have asked my husband to come to marriage counseling with me. I am not ready to forgive and forget, but I genuinely want to know why he was so willing to go behind my back. I'm not sure how this chapter will end for us.

in AITAHby Sock0w0

1.8K

93%

View all comments

TheGoodDoc123

It really wouldn't be a close call. It isn't like a medical decision at all, its more like everyday scenarios where divorcing couples fight over stuff with "sentimental value." "Oh I really love that house, I grew up in it." Tough, its gonna get sold, suck it up, unless you buy them out. It isn't about "imposing will" it is about the law requiring that possessions be divided.

Yes, if they mean more to one person than the other, like antique furniture they inherited, then the person who cares may get it in exchange for something else. But if both want it, it gets split or sold.

And here, both definitely want it. There is no selling it. So this I can tell you: The chance of this man and his daughter not getting at least half of those ashes is 0%.

AnnetteyS

Actually I am quite bored at work and have done some research on it. In my province in Canada human remains do not fall under common law regulations. The law does not differentiate between a body and ashes, they are one and the same and one person has "exclusive decision making authority for both" So while there may be a battle over who is appointed trustee the ashes ultimately will not end up divided, where I live at least.

Also rather interesting, in the case of siblings arguing over the remains of a parent (no spouse or will) the decision will ultimately be granted to the eldest child.

TheGoodDoc123

-1

I'm in the US so the law may differ in Canada, but I think you are looking at this incorrectly. You are looking at laws relating to the disposal of bodies, and that really is not relevant here. (Especially since both parents agreed the body should be cremated.) Rather the only question here is what happens to the ashes when they are acquired jointly by a married couple.

Any property acquired during a marriage is marital property. That includes ashes. If the child were stillborn, there might be an argument that it is solely the mother's, but that isn't the case. Since the ashes were acquired in the course of the marriage just like everything else, it has to be divided up.

I'd be very surprised if the law in Canada were different since the vast majority of countries recognize the concept of marital property.

Two urns it is.

AnnetteyS

You are completely wrong. Did you read what I wrote? Ashes or a body are not marital property. They do not fall under common law regulations. I am not looking at cases of only disposing a body, I am looking at cases of disputes over remains. Ashes or body, the law where I am does not differentiate. Obviously we have a concept of martial property but we also have the concept of exemptions.

TheGoodDoc123

I'm actually right.

What I'm saying is you are looking at cases regarding what happens to someone's remains when they did, not at cases about what happens to ashes in the possession of a married couple when they divorce.

In the case of remains after someone dies, I agree with you: whether body or ashes, that isn't part of the decedent's estate to be divided up. The executor decides that. But again, that isn't our situation. This is a marital asset situation. So the question is what happens to the marital estate.

Here's an example. Couple has ashes of kid when they die. Court rules the ashes are marital property. In this case, it was an aborted fetus/stillborn, so it falls into the exception that I mentioned -- i.e. it was part of woman's body, so it went to her. But any other situation it gets treated as any other marital property, which means it is split up.

https://www.petrellilaw.com/marital-or-separate-property/

I'm pretty sure the law is the same in Canada, since Canada uses the same marital property concepts.

As an aside, even if this situation *did* involve a dispute between OP and her husband as to what to do with the child's remains at the time of death, the result likely would be the same. The OP and her husband almost certainly were co-executors of their child's estate, so neither would get to dictate to the other one what happens to the body. But here, they agreed: the body should be cremated, and went to the married couple. They thereafter owned it as marital property.

AnnetteyS

You are 100% wrong. Like I said we have exemptions to martial law but if you cant grasp that then there is no point continuing this.